I am in my 40s and when my brother (42m) had his two kids ( both under 10,) I made a conscious choice to play an active role in their lives because we don’t really have anybody else but each other, family-wise. Over the years, I have babysat every time they have asked, including for trips, date nights, you name it. I’ve basically never said no because I absolutely love these kids and I know that I add a lot of value to their lives.

I’ve always gone above and beyond for the family because honestly that’s just my style. I enjoy bringing value to the lives of people in my family and community and this is just how I am with everyone.

Each time my brother and his wife have eagerly requested and accepted any help provided. I came to their house when their water broke with their first kid (their request) and cleaned up the whole house (my offer) so they could have one less thing to worry about. I came over in the middle of the night to stay with their oldest while their youngest was born.

I always make sure the children know that even though I am the fun auntie, their parents still set all the rules. I defer everything to the parents and don’t even spoil the kids.

During this past summer, I went to their house one day each weekend and played with the kids and my brother and his wife used that time to nap, do household chores, or to outside chores like shopping. I would even bring food for the day I was there so that there was one less thing for them to think about.

I don’t do any of this for any reason other than I care about contributing to my community. This world is a terrible place and we could all use a little more village.

A few months ago, a mutual friend told me that my sister-in-law had been complaining about me behind my back. I actually always really appreciate learning things like this because it allows me a chance to become a better person. My worst nightmare is somebody disliking me and me not knowing or having an opportunity to repair the relationship and improve myself.

But as I learned about the details of what seemed like pretty excessive complaining about me, I became really disheartened. My sister-in-law characterized me as intrusive. She said that my visits during the summer prevented them from taking the kids anywhere. The thing is, we live in a very hot climate and this was a brutal summer – leaving the house was borderline dangerous. However, each weekend I had actually checked in and asked if they would rather go somewhere and they always said no.

She complained about a recent time when I spent a long weekend at their house to help my brother watch the kids so that she could go on a girls trip (their request). I had brought house slippers to feel comfortable for all those days, and I had forgotten to take them with me and accidentally left them by the door where they put all their own shoes. She listed that as something intrusive.

She told my friend that she doesn’t wanna say anything to me because my help is beneficial. She has always said thank you anytime I’ve done something for them, and has outlined the ways that it was helpful. She says things like “I’m glad you’re here to play with the kids because I can take a break.”

She’s complained about me making food at her house, that I do it in a way that she doesn’t like, but has said to my face that she appreciates not having to cook for a day.

I’m not perfect in my actions - I have ADHD so sometimes I forget things. We have different personality types – I’m more outgoing and she’s more reserved and I can understand that there would naturally be some messy interactions.

But my whole heart broke when I found out she had been making all these complaints about me and never said anything to my face. Some of them just feel so blatantly unfair. Like after a whole long weekend of giving up my time to watch her kids, for her to notice nothing but an inconvenience of forgetting my slippers just honestly feels cruel.

Or complaining that I prevented them from taking the kids anywhere in the summer when I repeatedly asked and they always said no and it was too hot either way. She could’ve told me to not come over at any time and I would’ve been totally fine with it. I don’t even like being at their house that much. I just come for the kids because they ask about me.

I assume there are probably other things, but I had to stop listening at some point. I absolutely love to get feedback and have the opportunity to work and strengthen important relationships. I don’t even mind that she’s talking about me behind my back because everybody has a right to vent.

But I’m so devastated by the things she’s chosen to complain about, especially in the context of how much she directly has benefited from my labor. Even my poor brother doesn’t benefit from my help as much as she does. I wouldn’t have minded if she said hey I really appreciate your help, but could you do… instead?

I’ve worked for 15 years to build this relationship with her since the day she and my brother met. We’ve done lots of nice things for each each other over the years and we’ve worked hard to build our relationship even despite so many personality differences. We probably wouldn’t be close if we weren’t family, but I’ve never approached her with anything but respect. I would’ve changed any of my behavior in a heartbeat if she ever asked. And I would have ignored all of these complaints if she showed meaningful gratitude for me fulfilling any of the requests they’ve made to be there for the kids. It just seems unfair, considering all the circumstances.

I don’t even wanna share any more examples because I don’t wanna make her out to be a horrible person. I think she’s generally well-intentioned and has done a number of thoughtful things over the years.

The thing is, I can’t look at her in the same way again. I don’t wanna say anything because I don’t want to betray what our friend shared in confidence. And I don’t want her to not trust our friend either. The only reason I still interact is because she’s my brother‘s wife and I do love those kids. I took a short break from seeing them very much for a couple of months, saying I was busy with work. But the kids noticed my absence so much and I don’t wanna punish them for something that isn’t their fault.

Regardless, I have set a lot of boundaries and severely limited my time with them either way since finding out. Most of the time when I’m there, I’m with the kids anyway.

How do I continue to interact, knowing everything I know? Should I confront her and admit how I found this out? Should I do nothing but show humility and accept sole responsibility for the friction, even though I don’t think it’s a fair assessment? I don’t mind being shallow for the rest of our lives for the sake of the kids, but I’m just really heartbroken.

TLDR: My (45F) sister in law (38F) has been complaining about me behind my back for things that seem mean-spirited, considering how much time and labor I’ve dedicated to being there for her family and kids. I would like to experience some repair, but can’t admit how I learned this information because I don’t want to betray our mutual friend’s confidence for telling me. Not sure how to move forward.

Tl.dr: roommate says they’ll move out if partner is over more than once every few weeks what to do

Hey throw away cause idk if they have Reddit or not.

I (28f) and my roommate (31m) have lived together for 3 years with a few issues here and there but nothing too terrible. Ie. Him not helping with the cleaning or caretaking of the apartment, having loud parties whilst I was away etc.

Recently I have started a new relationship and it’s going really well, we’ve met up a handful of times mainly me going to his but it is an hour and 30 minutes away from my home and work place. I asked my roommate if it was possible to have my partner stay round after work, and I received a message that said (paraphrasing) “I’ll stay out of your way tonight, but if it starts happening too often then I’d prefer to move out”. I replied with “totally understandable” thinking he was meaning multiple times a week.

But after talking with him I learnt that he meant anything over once every few weeks was too much, I tried to reason saying “buddy, honestly once a week isn’t that bad” and he replied with “I’d just prefer to move out”. I might be the asshole on this part, but I said “okay that’s fine, I’ll put out for a new roommate”.

Like I completely understand if I was having him round for the most part of the week and he was semi moving in but like it’s no where near that in the slightest cause my guy is also at work 6 days a week. Just looking for advice/ seeing if I’m overreacting to this or not

I (43F) My partner at the time (34M) had been seeing each other since mid June of this year and ended abruptly end of October this year. We stay in the same apartment and the same unit. Literally next door to each other. He was really good to me. Took me to and from work, bought or found at work things I might like. We hung after work almost everyday. He wasn't much of a cook and partly because of his severe ADHD he had few foods he could eat every day especially eggs and ramen. LOL So, I cooked a lot of meals for us. I would buy him his beers, or get his extra special beer almost daily. We would go grocery shopping together, the intimacy was good. He stayed over a lot and always tried his best to make me happy. The reciprocity was good between us. And we could talk about almost anything. Animals, food, culture, science. It was great. Then things started to change.

I noticed if we had the slightest of a disagreement he shut down completely and changed the subject or went to his apartment. These events eventually led up to the breakfast burrito incident...

Because of he ADHD he has an issue with time blindness. Typically I was patient about. I always tried to gently remind him of his time when needed. Well, we were making breakfast burritos together after going grocery shopping for all ingredients. What should have taken 2 hrs tops turned into more than 5hrs. He kept saying he would be back from his place where he was gaming and it eventually ended with me being frustrated and tired and I just finished it all myself. I didn't get done till 11:30pm and I took my frustration out on him.

I tried explaining my time was valuable too and just because he got up earlier than me for work didn't mean I didn't sacrifice my evening time for him. He wouldn't hear my side at all and kept bringing his sacrifice of time and doing something away from him gaming. Things started to slowly change then spiral.

A little over a week ago, he said he was going to work. I was at home and decided to go over to his place. He leaves his door unlocked sometimes and I just walked in. Mind you, this is something I'm used to doing, I walked into his apartment before, (sometimes without knocking) When he went on vacation for 2 weeks, he gave me the key and aside from his sister, any issues while he was away went through me at his home. Anyway. He wasn't there. I sat at his PC. and greeted his dog. He had his game still up on the screen and about 10 seconds later, he walks back into his apartment, sees me sitting at his computer, says "what are you doing at my computer." I say "nothing." I sat to greet his dog, I heard voices coming from his headset and that was it. He said, "I dont want to argue, let's go have a smoke." We go smoke and go to each other's separate apartments. We had no conversation after that, I didn’t get a chance to talk with him at all. Later he sends me several texts about how dare I sit at his PC, that if the tables were turned it would be an issue, that he doesn’t need to be monitored in his own home.

I was confused. Never have I monitored him or thought I had to. Never have I deliberately sat at his PC to snoop, he never had a issue when he was vacation, with me and his computer in the same room. I explained to him I know how you thought it looked but that truly wasn't the case and accepted that I did wrong to sit at his PC. I felt what happened opened up other sensitivities he had about boundaries and his space. I had guilt about it because I didn't want to give him yet another reason to have trust issues like he has in the past, and took full accountability for it and apologized.

Things were very different after that. He was short with me. He eventually stopped all contact even though he said we would talk. I wanted to contact him, but gave him space. But after a week, I just knew it was the end. He unfriended me on Facebook, then blocked me after I sent him a message. I decided to give him his stuff back he had at my place, and blocked his Facebook and his number in my phone.

I'm not upset really about the breakup. It's how he handled it. No closure on my end. No "Hey this isnt working, I don't feel comfortable anymore." He does that though, just shuts down completely and doesn't want to talk and it frustrates me because I would have loved to have a conversation, conflict but that didn't happen.

Overall, it was just so intensely quit how everything happened. Since he hasn't talked to me, I have to assume that we are done. If we we're to talk I would be talking for me and him if that makes sense. But I can't do all the work on my own. And that's what I have felt. I was on my own again trying to work through a relationship with a man who continually shut down and that kind of silent chaos just drained me. I ended up taking to days off of work and the stress caused me to be sick. I have never done that before and never again.

This was exhausting to write out, and I know probably exhausting to read. But if you made it this far...damn...thank you. Any insight or advice is great. But please don't beat down on me, I'm am doing a lot of that to myself already.

TL:DR Boyfriend shutdown and ghosted over PC incident.

22 F, we've been dating for more than an year now. I like him and I think he likes me too but I don't feel comfortable answering deep questions. It's like I'd do anything to avoid the question idk why 😮‍💨. He keeps asking what the reason is but honestly I don't know. Saying idk feels mean but I don't know what to say or what to do or what even is wrong with me. What do I do? Does anybody else feel the same way ? What do you ask or how do you become comfortable with having these kind of conversations? Please let me know 😭😭

*Tl;dr;* : I'm uncomfortable in having deep convos. How do I become comfortable and why do I feel this way even though I love him ?

my bf and i have a test on the 5th at the same place and we’re thinking of bunking it to spend like 5 hours together. he’s coming from another city and we’ve never met irl before.

my family knows him but doesn’t know we’re dating. i’ve never lied to my parents or gone out without telling them, so i feel kinda guilty about the whole thing 😭

i really wanna meet him but idk if bunking my test and lying to my parents is worth it.

TL;DR; should i bunk my test to meet my bf for the first time or plan the meetup another day? has anyone been in a similar situation? looking for practical advice.

TL;DR: A woman who married her husband very young and has been with him for years feels like she doesn’t know him anymore. Their marriage has never been very romantic, and she’s often felt unloved or like he doesn’t genuinely enjoy her company.
Now, after years of not being particularly religious, her husband has suddenly become a devout, born-again Christian. He’s changing his behavior, beliefs, and parenting approach, introducing prayer at family meals and insisting on raising their children in Christianity despite knowing she’s atheist/agnostic and uncomfortable with it.
When she expressed her concerns, he said God chose him to lead their children to Him and that he won’t stop praying with them, regardless of her objections.
She feels blindsided, alienated, and worried she’ll never be enough for him. She understands he has the right to change his beliefs, but she feels like the marriage and family dynamic she agreed to is disappearing, and she doesn’t know what to do.

I feel like I don’t know my husband anymore.
Backstory: My husband (34m) and I (32f) have been married since 2012. We got married when I was 18 for 6 days. He was 19. This isn’t the point of the story but it does drive the point home that we got married before we even truly knew who we were as individuals. We always said we were just growing up together. We now have a daughter (12) and a son (6) and while yes, we have been through many ups and downs throughout the years (deployments, infidelity, big arguments) we have just coexisted peacefully.
The one thing I’ve always noticed is how jealous I am when I see husbands doting over their wives. He has never been the romantic type, the sweet talker, or very extravagant in showing that he loves me. He just says he loves me. I have fried to him over the years telling him how I don’t even think he really enjoys me as a person, as he always seems annoyed or mad at me. He always says everything is fine. I’ve learned to accept that we will not have a romantic relationship unless he knows the end goal will be sex. I figured all guys are like this. I got married young, have been a stay at home mom most of this time and I realized this is my life now and there is nothing I can do about it. I made my bed now I must lie in it. I have a Cookie business and am getting more successful with that but for right now it’s not enough for me to survive on my own right now.

Fast forward to now. I need to start this off by saying I am agnostic/atheist. He is not. He knows this about me and has for many many years. Over the years we have dabbled in going to church. I mainly would only agree to make him happy and play along with the kids.
His parents raised him more religiously than mine raised me (for example: he went to a christian high school) but the whole time we have been together he has not been a practicing Christian. I’ve been happy with this. I curse, drink every now and then, and I guess you would say I “live a life of sin” because I don’t believe or follow the bible. (I don’t actually see it that way)

I’ve made the personal decision the past year or so to not attend church services on Sunday with my family. Since these two kids are his kids too- i told him he can feel free to take them on Sunday’s too. My daughter attends a youth group that she enjoys. My daughter and son both tell me (when their dad isn’t around) that they don’t want to go. My son goes as far as to say it’s confusing to him and he hates it and wants to stay home. I figured this is just normal kid talk because they don’t feel like getting ready lol.

Well… for a couple who has raised our children non-religiously for the past twelve years, all of the sudden my husband is bringing Christianity into our house against my wishes. He says it has been a gradual process, and sure, it has. But I am firm in my belief that I do not want to bring Christianity in our home all of the sudden and into how my house runs. I do not believe in God and, while I will not go into details on why I don’t want Christianity in my home, overall it is because it is my CHOICE.
We never say grace at the dinner table and my husband is thrusting that upon us and it is making me feel increasingly more uncomfortable. Because his prayers are becoming more and more extreme. Finally, this past Sunday, after he said grace at the table and made us all hold hands and he confessed how he wants us all to be closer to God, I shut off. I will say he has been a bit nicer and acts like he likes me more. But why? Because of god? Not because you actually even like me…

Why would he force this upon my household knowing this is the opposite of who I am?
I talked to him that night about how the sudden Christianity parenting is making my uncomfortable. While I expressed to him through tears that I thought we agreed to parent a certain way, It is not fair that he suddenly expects me to be okay with this and play along. I asked why the change? Why so extreme all of the sudden?

Also… I told him I respect his path but I ask that he doesn’t bring our kids along yet until they are old enough to choose on their own. He said no, as he believes the kids are too young to make decisions for themselves…

He said that he believes God has chosen him to teach our children about the word and to make our children disciples. He said he prays that I change and see God.
He said, no, he will not stop praying with the kids at the dinner table regardless of my opinion because he is a born again Christian.

What?? He has never spoken like this before. When just a month ago he would laugh at my jokes (vulgar a lot of the times), now he admits he doesn’t find the things i find funny anymore and won’t curse.

This change and unwillingness to change is not what i signed up for. This is the most unattractive I’ve ever been to him. I feel as if I will never be enough. I am not being mean to him right now but I can’t speak to him like I used to. He is a new person. That’s fine if that’s what he wants. But i didn’t sign up for this. Has anyone been in this situation and what do i do :( sorry it’s so rambly. Life is so busy with two kids I don’t have much time to proofread lol

I’m a pretty introverted person who does not typically have many friends, so my best friend is used to getting all of my attention. Ever since I met and started dating my boyfriend about a year ago, obviously my attention has been split between them even though I still talk to my best friend every day (boyfriend is long distance).

We’ve had lots of hearts-to-hearts-turned-arguments where she tells me she feels like I hardly talk to her anymore, even though I still talk to her every day. I always feel really bad and genuinely apologize and try to talk to her more often, but it’s never enough for her. I’ve consistently tried to appease her but also to explain that things are going to be a little different now that I’m dating bc there’s a new person in my life and I can’t talk to her 24/7 like I used to, because I have to be able to give him some time, too.

I’ve really tried to reflect on my own behavior because I know some girls actually do drop their besties once they start dating, but the thing is, she’s done this over other female friends I’ve had over the years too. Even if she’s the person I spend a majority of my time with, she gets jealous and feels neglected when I give my time to other people. This is just the first time it’s been this severe and really threatened our friendship, because I guess she thinks that if I get married to this guy then she’ll really be losing me forever.

What sucks the most about all this is I was really looking forward to introducing my boyfriend to her one day. But even though he’s a great guy and everyone else in my life likes him, she hates his guts and can’t give a better reason when I ask why than “He stole you from me.” And now my boyfriend has started to resent her too, because she’s said some really nasty things to me in her anger while berating me for neglecting her that have genuinely made me cry (calling me a shitty friend, telling me to not even bother coming to her place again and then taking it back, calling me stupid for spending money to go visit him, etc.), so he just sees her as this mean and selfish jerk, even though she was not like that at all for the many years of our friendship. Even when she was jealous of other friends in the past, she would just stonewall me and be passive aggressive until we talked it out. I hate to think that one day, I couldn’t even have her at my wedding because she’s made the groom her arch nemesis.

I really love both of these people and I hate to think that I’m going to have to choose one of them over the other. Even though I’ve been friends with this girl for almost 10 years now and only known my boyfriend for a year, she’s making it really hard for me to pick her in this situation. Was hoping to get some perspective maybe from others who have experienced something similar :( How do I deal with this???

TL;DR - Best friend is demanding I spent more time with her than with my boyfriend, and despite trying my hardest to appease her or explain that things are different but I still love and care about her, it’s blowing up our friendship. I don’t want to lose either of them but she’s taken a nasty turn over this and it’s hard for me to see an outcome where I don’t lose her.

EDIT: Thank you everyone for pretty much confirming what I was already starting to believe. I’ve been a frog boiling in a pot for so many years and didn’t realize the toxicity had gradually gotten this bad until someone new came into my life to point it out. It’s hard to “give up” on 10 years of friendship when I can’t help but remember how a majority of that time was happy, but I suppose lots of people coming out of abusive relationships feel that way and ignore the bad bc they can’t let go of the good. I appreciate everyone giving me an honest, unbiased perspective. It’s giving me the confidence to put myself and my relationship first.

TL;DR: I met a guy online, and we really clicked. We have a similar sense of humor, tease each other a lot, and live relatively close to each other, which is a huge plus. However, I'm scared that he might not find me attractive in real life, or that my personality and humor might sometimes be too much for him. I really like him, but I'm afraid of meeting him because I don't want to lose what we have. At the same time, I don't want my insecurities to ruin something that could turn into something really nice.
Hi! Recently, I met a guy online, and honestly, we really clicked. It's one of those situations where you just seem to get along with someone naturally. We have a pretty similar sense of humor, and we both love teasing each other and taking the piss out of one another. Our conversations are usually fun, and I genuinely enjoy talking to him. He also lives relatively close to me, which is a huge plus because it means that meeting up is actually a realistic possibility.
However, there's something that's been bothering me quite a lot lately.
I'm really scared of meeting him in real life because I'm worried that he might think I look different from my pictures and end up not liking me. I know that pictures don't always capture what someone looks like perfectly, and I know that people can have different expectations, but the thought of him seeing me in person and suddenly losing interest genuinely scares me. What if he likes talking to me online, but when we finally meet, something just doesn't click for him anymore?
I think the worst part is that I actually like him quite a lot already, and I don't want to lose what we have. I know that we haven't even met yet, so technically, I shouldn't get too attached, but it's difficult when you genuinely enjoy someone's company and start looking forward to talking to them. Part of me really wants to meet him and see where things go, while another part wants to avoid the whole situation because I'm scared of getting hurt. It's like I want things to move forward, but I'm also terrified of what might happen if they do.
I honestly don't know what to do about it. I don't want my insecurities to stop me from experiencing something that could turn out to be really nice, but I also can't just magically stop worrying about all the possible things that could go wrong.
There's also another thing I'm a little insecure about, and that's my personality.
I'm a pretty creative person, and my sense of humor can get a little... questionable sometimes. I like making freaky jokes, saying random stuff, and generally being a bit chaotic. It's just how I am, and I usually don't mean anything bad by it. He even calls me "Freaky Ricky" quite often, which I find pretty funny, but sometimes I wonder if I might be a little too much for him.
What if I occasionally make him uncomfortable without realizing it? What if he doesn't like certain jokes but just goes along with them because he doesn't want to make things awkward? I know I might be overthinking this, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me, especially because I genuinely care about what he thinks and how he feels. I'd much rather know if I've crossed a line than accidentally make him uncomfortable without even noticing.
At the same time, I don't want to overanalyze every single thing I say. I don't want to feel like I have to filter my entire personality just to make sure he likes me. I want to be able to joke around, be weird, and act like myself without constantly worrying that I'm somehow doing too much.
We also have this ongoing argument about who's more dominant, and obviously, I insist that it's me, while he refuses to admit it. 🙄🙄 It's honestly pretty funny because neither of us seems willing to back down, and I think that's part of what makes our dynamic so entertaining.
Still, I sometimes wonder how he actually sees me and whether we're on the same page about everything. I know that playful teasing is a big part of our interactions, but I guess there's still a little voice in the back of my head asking whether he genuinely enjoys my personality as much as I enjoy his.
I think what makes all of this so confusing is that I really want to be myself around him, but I'm also scared that being myself might somehow make him lose interest. I want him to like me for who I am, including my weird humor and chaotic personality, but I'm afraid that I might be getting ahead of myself or that things could be different once we meet in person.
So, I guess my main questions are: How do I stop worrying so much about meeting him? How can I tell whether he's genuinely comfortable with my humor and personality? And how do I deal with the fear of losing someone I really like before I've even had the chance to meet them?
I know I probably can't predict how everything will turn out, but I'd really appreciate some advice because I genuinely don't know how to approach this situation.

​

In the beginning of the relationship, everything happened fast. After a few months, she was living more in my house than hers, so she moved in. I thought it was too soon but didn't say anything because I was afraid of hurting her. I adopted the same attitude towards other things she did, and slowly, we both grew resentful.

At the same time, she's strong, very kind, and lovable. My family loves her; they have become very close to her, and she's more intimate with them than I am. She also helps me a lot emotionally. She's the one who helps me open up to people, and since I met her, my relationship with my family has become much better.

Unfortunately, she is very insecure and judgmental, to the point that her insecurities started to affect me too. I never had a problem with her appearance, but after months and months of hearing her talk about how ugly she is, and having every compliment I give her dismissed, I have now started to agree with her. That's fucked up!

She had a good, steady job where we lived. Then I had to move to a different city because of a job opportunity. We agreed we would be apart until necessary, but in the first month after I arrived, she took the first job she found and moved in. Her job sucks; she barely has any time and is always stressed out. This has deeply affected our relationship.

I feel more and more like leaving, but I don't know if I should. I truly value her, and we are both responsible for the current state of this relationship. She complains that I'm not affectionate and that I never initiate sex. I have slowly started to see sex more like a chore sometimes.

I'm afraid of leaving and losing the only person who values and loves me. She brings joy and light to my days, and I hate the thought of never hugging her again. Also, I can't break up now because she doesn't know anyone in this city, and she would have nowhere to go, nor the money to go back home.

I find myself fantasizing about other women, and I keep wishing we would break up. But that's very unfair to her because she loves me so much and has sacrificed a lot.

TL;DR: I love and value my girlfriend, but our relationship has become unhealthy, my attraction is fading, and I keep wishing we would break up. I feel trapped by guilt because she depends on me emotionally and financially and has nowhere else to go.

Long story short, me (23M) and my ex (21F) dated for 3 years, broke up cause of constant fighting, then were a situationship for another year, then as we were getting closer emotionally and just about to try again, she started talking to another guy, got with him, they were together for 1 year, left him ("couldnt get sexually, mentally, and all ways possible comfortable around him even though he was perfect towards her and good looking and they had so much in common") then 2 weeks later shes with another guy cause they worked together and hes a religious guy and she just never felt so happy talking to someone blah blah, and then they broke up 2 weeks later cause he was an overprotective narcissist not letting her do anyhting..

Now through all this shit she was always talking to me (but only periodically ofc, venting bout all the bad shit about her boyfriends, i prolly know more about them than their other ex gfs)

She would hug me, she would talk to me, she would call ME in difficult life situations...

Now she always said she never wants to lose me, that i mean a lot to her, but that she just doesnt see a future anymore with me because she always subconciously always sees our past fights in her head when we talk and she cant get over that.

Now i told her countless times, and showed it, that we could talk, we could work through it together, that we learned and nothing is the same. But no, one day she is just an angel, talking, calling, and the next 2 days i get ghosted.

Tbh i am sick and fucking tired of the games, but the thing is i cannot explain the level of love i feel for this girl, shit if shed stab me with a knife, id help her push it deeper.

What are your thoughts? Any advice?

Thank you all.

TLDR; In love with my ex of 5 years thats all over the place mentally, switched 2 bfs after me but doesnt want to let me go, but also cant see herself with me because the fight we had in our past always are on her mind when im with her, and she just shuts down. Any advice is much appreciated.

Hello, this is a throw away account since my boyfriend follows me on my normal account.

So my boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) have been together for the last 3 years and we have started having issues. Recently he has gotten really quiet and can’t hold a conversation (we have talked about this) he keeps saying he’s just out of things to talk about. We also keep having intimacy issues since he has recently just not wanted to at all.

Well here’s the part I need help with, I haven’t been able to sleep at all recently (it is currently 3:28am) and I haven’t been having lots of silent crying sessions since I might be over thinking it all, anyway! I’m a bit of a larger women (5’6 - 210lbs) due to my hormonal issues (working on it) and I have been reciving absolutely no physical intimate attention from him, so I decided to go through his phone…well I know I shouldn’t of but with everything recently I’m getting worried he’s cheating.

Well I checked everywhere and the only two places I found anything odd were his Snapchat and his Reddit. He’s got this friend (24F) let’s call her Liz, he’s known Liz (at least according to Snapchat history since 2020) well he’s never mention her before to me and he’s been flirting with her on Snapchat by calling her gorgeous and beautiful etc. she’s a very thin very petite women from what I can see in her pictures she posts on there keep in mind she’s engaged and she responds back to him in a very similar way. I also found that he frequently visits “skinny white girls” and “short porn” on here basically on a daily basis. He hasn’t had or showed any want to have sex with me for the last 4 months.

Idk what to do honestly. I’m trying to loose weight and all and trying my absolute best to be who he wants but I’m just idk I’m scared that he’s cheating.

Please just help me out I’m genuinely freaking out.

TLDR:

My boyfriend is no longer intimate with me and is flirting with someone over Snapchat. He also frequents sex based subs for women that are the complete opposite of me (skinny and petite). Should we break up? Should I bring it up to him? What should I do to fix our relationship?

I don’t know really how to go about this…

But here’s my go at it, I’ve never done this before.

I, (22F) and my boyfriend (28M) are arguing a lot.

I have just experienced a train wreck of events… and I needed support from him.

Firstly, I’ll be the one to admit I’m not coping well.

I’ve been having family issues, I got fired recently from my job, I have midterms coming up, and one of my family members has passed away too young. I’m a complete mess in all honesty.

The pressure is unreal, and I feel like I can’t catch a break… This has all happened in the span of a month as well… I feel like I’m drowning.

My boyfriend is sweet, he can be a very lovely person… but we’ve only been together for a year and a bit… and this feels embarrassing to experience such turmoil so soon in our relationship.

We’ve been arguing about his video games. He found a new game to obsess over with his friends, and I have just recently learned that my family member died within the span of this week… and I feel ignored and like I don’t matter to him.

I’ve been struggling with the news, and asking for help around the house, and he’s basically procrastinated every little thing I’ve asked him to do. I’ve told him a multitude of times to help,and he’s left it until I get back home from school to do it… and it leaves me feeling so disappointed and agitated.

With each argument and break down I have, it seems to just be getting worse.

One of the arguments specifically we spoke about leaving notes for him to be reminded on what he needs to do, so I don’t end up upset when it’s not done or he forgets… and the next day when I implemented the new note leaving process… he just sat on his game for hours and got nothing done except refilling the soap dispenser. I came home from school feeling like it was all up to me to take care of all the labour in the home and that I will never be seen or heard for my agony I’m experiencing right now.

He told me if I just stop arguing with him and stop being upset, the problems would resolve… but I try to do the stuff he says, and it’s no use. He’s still sucked into his game world.

I genuinely feel like I’m all alone and have no one to hold me when I’ve fallen down.

I don’t understand how someone could become so selfish and mindless… how can someone who knows that their partner has had a bunch of unfortunate events happen in such a small span of time become so zoned in somewhere else… and make it seem like it’s not there?

He doesn’t even check up on me through out the day, doesn’t send a text. Just glued to his game.

Doesn’t ask how I’m doing, I just come home and he says he has to get back to the game.

He can’t even spend time with me without asking if he can play the game, or watch YouTube’s of other people playing the game…

And I leave him annoyed and irritated when I cry. And I’ve been crying a lot, and I’ve been upset so much this week. I feel awful about it. I keep crying and asking him to be there for me, and he says he will….. aaaand then it’s back to the game.

When we have spent one on one time together, all he’s thinking about is the game or how annoying and irritating I am because I want him to care about something more than his games. I have nothing wrong with hobbies, but I do when it takes away from responsibilities and people who are supposed to matter to them. And it’s been feeling that way.

I got so upset today that I turned off his game, and I lectured him on how that’s not how you treat someone… he’s supposed to see me and care, I’ve made it clear I’m not doing well… but I feel so guilty for trying to take control of the situation because I’m just left as being seen as the bad guy. He got so mad at me, and he told me he has no empathy because I shut off his game, and that it was hard to feel anything towards me in that time. And I agree, I shouldn’t have done that… but I just felt so invisible and miserable and just… so done with it all.

Also he gets upset because I have been having panic attacks and losing my marbles at him because he wants me to not waste his time when im trying to express how I’ve been coping, but his advice is to not take up so much time being upset, because it’s a waste to him, and why not be logical with our arguing… but it’s really fucking hard when you’re drowning in a load of bullshit and you feel like you have no control and no one there to help you.

I guess I come here for advice, or help to understand what can I do? How do I help this? How do I get him to care?

Tl;dr

I (22F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been fighting a lot due to my grief from too many bad events happening and I feel invisible because he’s playing a lot of video games and not giving me the sincerity and support I need.

Would appreciate advice….

Hi! My (f15) and my bf (m15) have been dating for about 1 year and 8 months abd i really do love him but recently I’ve been finding myself wanting more space.

for example, he wants to text a lot but sometimes I just don’t feel like it but I used to want to talk to him all time.

when we’re apart he tells me how much he misses me but to be honest alot of the time I don’t really miss him .

of course I still have moments when I really want to be with him but I don’t consistently miss him when we’re apart and I enjoy having time for my hobbies

is this a normal stage of relationships or something deeper?

please don’t comment about me being to young for love or about teen relationships not lasting as that’s not what I’m asking about and I have gotten comments like that on previous posts! Thanks!

tl;dr Don’t miss my bf as much anymore

I’ve been battling mental health, addiction, and building myself back up, but as her income grows, her stress is getting worse and I’m drowning alone.

We’ve been together for 7 years and we’ve been through a lot. When we were in college, things weren’t as bad because there was hope, time, and lots of possibilities. I’ve struggled so badly with my mental health and addiction, and to this day, I find life dreadful but it has to be lived. I have cats I care about and people I worry about.

Back then, she was always worried about career choices and making money. I always told her, "Baby, we will figure it out, we always do" (I truly believed I could do anything if I put my mind to it).

Years passed, she got a good job, and she was still super stressed about finances and money. I kept telling her I was trying to make us money too and that we'd figure it out. But her response was always, "No, I need my own money, I need a prestigious job, and I need to prove everybody wrong."

I’d ask her, "Who's everybody?" She would answer that she knows she has deep-rooted problems due to her family and that she’s always trying to overachieve. So I’d tell her, "Then work on that instead of stressing about money. You will never be satisfied. Get therapy, do something."

This year, she got an even better job that pays really well. It may not be so prestigious to her, but she’s stressing out even more now.

Meanwhile, I have been trying to stand up on my feet and start up my own business. I tried quitting smoking cigarettes and weed, and I was working really hard on myself. I just needed someone to be by my side, especially as I have lost my friends throughout the years due to mental health.

I don't even know what to do anymore. How do I navigate supporting her through her unaddressed issues when I'm working so hard to stay afloat myself?

TL;DR

Together 7 years. I’ve been fighting heavy mental health struggles and addiction while trying to rebuild my life, quit smoking/weed, and launch a business with zero outside support after losing my friends. My girlfriend is obsessed with making money and overachieving to prove her family wrong. She just landed a great, high-paying job, but her stress is worse than everand I’m drowning trying to keep myself afloat while needing her in my corner.

Hi everyone idk how to even start this but I am so lost and I need help she is constantly getting upset with me for anything whether it is big or little on the big stuff I absolutely understand she’s mad I forgot she has work that day absolutely reasonable (she works full time and I’m working full time while in college) but then she gets just as mad/hurt on stuff where I go to sleep earlier than she does or take a while to respond to texts or even when I do things that I’ve done for years like asking how her day is and then asking more specific questions when she says idk or fine which I feel like is normal she’s constantly mad at me and just says she’s hurt and talking normally will never fix anything yet in the past just trying to apologize and talk to her helped but now when I apologize she gets mad says I don’t mean it and refuses to talk to me for a while. I don’t even know what to do at this point we’ve been together for just about 2 years and it feels like I can’t do anything right in the relationship anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated and I apologize for the run on paragraph I didn’t know how else to say it
TL;Dr

I 22F and my 24M boyfriend have been together for over a year and a half now and im just looking on advice if anyones dealt with a similar situation or just advice in general. Prior to me and my boyfriend dating he did try drugs once that he admitted to and I explained my boundary that drugs is a hard no/deal breaker and believed he understood as he told me of how they affected people in his family and him trying them the one time was from being in university and pressure from friends.

In January this year i found out from a close friend that he had been doing them throughout our relationship and she had heard from one of her friends who knew my boyfriend’s friends and assumed i was aware. Anyways after a week and a half of basically him swearing, promising and lying to my face etc he broke down and admitted to doing them unfortunately i had to lie and say i knew all the times he did which is why he admitted to doing them. It was and still is extremely difficult and i made the decision to say with him as he went to therapy told his family and moved back home and stopping drinking/going out with those friends who did drugs.

His admitted to doing drugs for the first 5 months on 5/6 separate occasions and i want to include that he lost his father in a really unfortunate and sudden work accident which he explained was his reason for doing drugs as he felt down did coke and forgot about the entire situation which i can sympathise with as i cannot imagine how he feels or begin to understand but it just hurts a lot as i was with him literally everyday and minute i could be during the period his father was hospitalised and there after and to sound selfish it feels upsetting to know he couldn’t turn to me when i had been there as much as i could be for him.

Anyways i decided to stay with him and otherwise prior to finding out he did drugs and now hes been an amazing boyfriend. Ive never had to ask for effort to be put in, he makes time, listens, plans dates knows what i like when it comes to smaller things. Literally except for this issue its been an entirely perfect relationship and we barely argue aside from this like genuinely this is where our current arguments tend to stem from whether directly or indirectly.

The reason for me posting this now is because I went through his phone which he has offered me to do i never did but i just decided to the other night which i have apologised to him for doing as its not right and its not something i believe in but I found evidence that he didn’t stop doing drugs in May 2025 like he said he did and was doing it up until December 2025. I found a text saved in his friends chat asking if they were getting drugs and a video of him holding a key (with nothing on it) to his friends nose and a photo after with both their pupils very very large.

I confronted him about it and he is staying firm on the fact he stopped doing drugs in May and his text asking if they were getting drugs was because he was the one who sorted his friends drugs which i told him doesn’t make sense as his friends had been doing drugs long before him as he said his first time was october 2024 which i know to be true as multiple of our mutual friends who do drugs mentioned him not doing them when we were first just talking and it wasn’t serious. These friends also didn’t know of my boundary of drugs. Anyways sorry it doesn’t make sense he would sort his friends drugs for them if he wasn’t doing them especially how the message was worded with a “we” getting drugs not “do u need drugs sorted for tonight”

I’m really just looking advice as after speaking to him we are currently taking space he has reached out and sent a couple of long messages of him reaffirming that he was telling the truth and he can’t remember that night to a T but he says he wasn’t on drugs and a lot of just saying he loves me and wants me to be happy and understands the hurt hes caused and wants to do whatever to fix it.

I just don’t know how to move forward because like I said the relationship otherwise if you forget about this issue is perfect from 2025-26 i was so unbelievably happy with him and now its just horrible. It feels everytime we make progress something happens and i just feel like i don’t know him anymore.

Thank you for reading, any advice is appreciated.

**TL;DR;** : boyfriend did drugs behind my back for first 5 months of relationship. Stayed with him believing that was true and he stopped after 5 months but recent evidence i found on his phone says otherwise and I don’t know how to move forward or even if we can.

TLDR: bf makes me upset, I have trouble getting over it, now I am less attracted to him but don’t want to move on from everything we’ve built

I know that sounds harsh but at times I feel little attraction to him, have stopped missing him when we don’t see each other for multiple days, and have little to no sex drive (none of which is normal for me at all). He can be as asshole and rude and has consistently made me feel like an afterthought due to lack of consideration, forgetting everything I say, not being responsive and typical stuff. I’ve brought it up and he apologizes, says he didn’t realize and doesn’t mean to, and things are fine at least for a few days. I’m his first gf so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt but we’ve been together for almost 2 years so he should know better by now. I know most of those reasons alone aren’t deal breakers and are somewhat small but I think the repetition of him upsetting my and me having to bring it up and then it happening again has made me distant. I’m a lover girl through and through, but have never had a long term relationship, I’m still young!! And we’ve talked about a future after college and I know we would do great things as a couple, but is this really the guy I want to continue to put effort into building a long term relationship with if I already question things and can rarely even bring myself to feel sexually aroused anymore? TMI sorry, but I’m 20 and in college, part of me just wants to live and be single and gain more independence. Also, we’ve been in college together and he is probably about to drop out/ isn’t currently enrolled, which is making it easier for me to see myself alone, if that makes sense. Only things is I know if I ended things/ we broke up he wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again and all our friends are friends so it’d be awkward (not end of the world) , and I live 3000 miles from all my family, so having a significant other and being able to be around his family (who I love!!!) is really comforting. And when things aren’t bad/ when there’s no tension from me from him putting me in a bad mood, we have so much fun and I remember why I love him, we share so many interests and memories, it feels wrong to want to move on with my life. And let me say that I contribute to everything as well and I’m aware, I am terrible at letting things go and get overly irritated sometimes…. And part of me knows he would think it was out of nowhere if I ended it rn and he would think it’s not fair and talk bad about me for that, but if he pays attention to me then I’m wondering why he hasn’t asked me what’s wrong by now. He never asks what’s wrong even when I’m obviously upset, only ever asks me to come over and sleep over we don’t really do anything barely

I, (15F) have started to date a girl, (16F) and I’ve felt so many feelings in the past three days. Me and my junior friends went to Waffle House on Sunday morning at 2:00am and William, ( the girl I’m dating happened to be there. [ it’s a marching band tradition to Go out to Waffle House after state competition ] ) anyways, after me and my friends were done eating, she told me to follow her outside the waffle House and told me she liked me, and that she was trans. Her being trans is somewhat recent. Up until this point, I liked her for a year as a guy, and I told her I needed some time to process my feelings because I’m straight. I’ve been thinking real hard for two days, and my feelings are still the same. I still really really like her and can’t imagine not wanting to be closer to her. Yesterday, we met up at lunch and went outside in a somewhat secluded area. I said, “I know this might be corny, but I wrote you a card because I wanted to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.” After reading the card, she said “oh wow, I thought you would have rejected me” which is understandable. I thought I was straight too lol. We have a date planned for somewhere downtown before we make anything official, so we can get to know each other better.

Length of relationship: 1 day
some things that happened before I knew she liked me:

> she gave me her sweater when she knew I was cold

> she has sought me out just to say hi

> she left his sweater outside and so I picked it up, brought it home and the next morning I set out a chair in the trumpet section with it on it folded, and at the end of the day it was gone :)

( I don’t think she knows it was me I can’t wait to tell her )

one last thing, I am a little scared because this is my first relationship, but so far I’ve been really open and communicative.

tl:dr - I still like this girl that’s told me she’s trans and we’re going on a date soon before we make anything official

I'm an only child. It was my Mum and I for 4 years before she met my Stepdad (who raised me as his own). My Mum and I have always had an impenetrable relationship, and it has always been clear in my family dynamic that my Mum is at the centre, and the strongest bond is she and me.

I am independent and nomadic, and I've spent the majority of my twenties travelling the world. I spent a year in the US in 2019, and 3 years in the UK from 2022-2025 (the time of my life). My Mum and I missed each other but had next-to-daily video calls to feel connected and we managed. I noticed how happy she was when I returned from the US in 2020, which made leaving for the UK in 2022 feel harder and secretly laced with guilt, but again we managed. We also never went more than a year without a physical visit one way or another.

My UK visa expired in 2025, so I returned home to New Zealand. I've spent this past year here and had a traumatic experience that annihilated my already fragile mental health (from having to abandon the life I'd built in the UK). I'm now thinking of emigrating to Australia - better economy, opportunity, and it isn't the city that holds my trauma. My parents also recently moved out of this city (my hometown with a major airport) to a much smaller town which they adore but is harder to get to (domestic airport only).

My Mum has always been my sounding board. Granted, I have noticed a difference in her emotional regulation since coming back from the UK. She was on the tail end of menopause when I returned, and I could tell straight away it had hit her hard. She is far more sensitive now.

Australia has always been a possible place for me to "set up base" and my Mum knows it; it's just been in the background and she's likely been in denial. When wanting to discuss my plans now, I hear: "I only just got you back and you want to leave again" ... "Okay, so when you have a family in Australia, I'll never get to see your kids". (I'm single) ... "I've spent so many years with you on a screen, and I don't want to do that anymore". She told me once that she lay up at night, counting how many months of my twenties we've been in the same city and it broke her heart... "I thought maybe you'd live here" (in new town) ... "I wouldn't have moved out of our hometown if it meant you'd be moving overseas". This infuriated me, because I'd never said I was going to move to their new town OR stay in our hometown. These are scenarios she made up. Also, what about what my Dad wants?

My Mum told me she had to be honest and get it out because it'd eat her up inside if she didn't. I told her to keep some things to herself or confide in Dad. I don't need to hear it all. I have softened my communication with her because 1) I can be a bit abrasive when passionate, and 2) since menopause she often cries, and that sucks to be the causer. But I always leave these hard conversations feeling guilty and unhappy. She's also said she regrets not having another child, so I'd have had a sibling through life. Or that I would hurry up and have kids for when she and Dad "go", so I'd have a family. This pisses me off - they're not even 60!

I'm all over the place and adore my Mum, but I don't know how to navigate this dynamic. I don't know if I should move to Australia out of fear that it'll feel like I'm abandoning her. A lot of what she says sounds unhealthy, but knowing her so well I also know where she's coming from. It's difficult to have my (previously) hype-woman sounding board basically asking me to do the polar opposite of what I want.

tl;dr: how to navigate recently intensified dynamic with attachment issues mother? Want to move overseas but feel like I'm abandoning her.

I’m 23F, and my boyfriend is 30M. We’ve been together for four months, and I’m looking for practical advice on improving how we handle disagreements.
Recently, we argued after I asked him to make me breakfast. I usually prepare breakfast and dinner for both of us, and I wanted him to make breakfast for me for a change.
He kept telling me to wait, so over the course of an hour, I playfully asked around six times when it would be ready. After he spent about 30 minutes in the kitchen, I checked and realized there was no breakfast. He got annoyed and said I was nagging him. He explained that he was doing his normal routine and would make it later.
I understand that repeatedly asking could be annoying, and I could have given him more space. I also wish he had communicated that he needed more time so I could make my own food.
Later, he touched my back, and I asked him to stop because I wanted to be left alone. He continued touching me and arguing. I called him dramatic, and he said I only cared about being right. I was trying to explain why I was frustrated, not win the argument.
During disagreements, he sometimes assumes I think negatively about him, saying things like, “You think I’m stupid,” even though I’ve never said that. He also sometimes says he’ll always be the bad guy.
During this argument, I called him manipulative and yelled at him, which escalated things. He then got close to me and yelled directly in my face. He told me to leave and said he wanted to break up. When I started crying, he told me to stop or he would call property management. I spent around two hours pleading with him to have a talk and to not to end the relationship heated. When I asked if he cared that I was crying, he said, “Yeah, but whatever.” Eventually, he calmed down, apologized, and listened to my side.
This was the first time he actually broke up with me, but the second time he brought up breaking up during an argument. He has also told me he has broken up with all his previous girlfriends.
I know I contributed to the argument and want to improve how I communicate when I’m frustrated. However, being yelled at in my face and having my request for space ignored has affected how secure I feel with him.
He’s a therapist, so I was surprised by how the argument unfolded. This was our fourth argument in four months of officially dating.
I care about him and want to understand how couples can change unhealthy conflict patterns. I’m especially struggling with how to address the fact that we sometimes interpret each other’s intentions negatively.

TL;DR: I’m 23F, and my boyfriend is 30M. We’ve been together for four months and have had four arguments. During our latest argument, I called him dramatic and manipulative and yelled at him. He then got close to me and yelled directly in my face, ignored my request to stop touching me, and threatened to break up with me. I spent two hours pleading with him not to end the relationship. He eventually apologized and listened to my side. He sometimes assumes I think negatively about him during disagreements, and I’m trying to understand how we can communicate better. I love him and want to work things out, but I feel less secure in our relationship. How can couples break unhealthy conflict patterns, establish boundaries, and rebuild trust?

\*\*For people who have worked through recurring conflict in relationships:\*\*

I’m looking for practical experiences and advice on approaching these conversations constructively.

my bf and i have been together a little over a year and a half. our relationship has been on the slow burn end of things. we already had been having issues before about him showing effort and how i need more from him. i won’t lie, we’re both avoidant people and very passive people so communicating with each other has been very hard. im the type of person who feels my emotions very deeply, so i am very emotional. he is quite literally the opposite, he is so nonchalant almost to a fault. anyways i was just at his place yesterday and we were discussing these previous issues and emotionally i asked him if he even loves me. keep in mind that i have told him i love him in passing. he answers me and says, “tbh i know that i do love you, of course i love you! but am i in love with you? no.” then he went on to explain that maybe we have 2 different meanings of being in love. his version is when he’s in love he sees a future in marrying them and having kids. he also said his definition of being in love has changed after being with his ex, someone that he was with for 7 years and that relationship really fucked him up. my idea of love is that you are committing to this person and choosing to be in this person’s life. but I’ve really only been in love once in my life with someone that I wasn’t supposed to be in love with (I was 19 with a 33 yo eek) so I feel like I have such a warped idea of love.

after hearing that, it really broke me because I thought we had been going in that direction at least. he keeps trying to “reassure me” that he does love me but he just is scared to fall in love again. idk where that leaves me. my instinct is to run from this bc I feel like I’ve been living a delusional land this past year. my other instinct is to just try again and see how it works in the next couple of months because I really do love him. im just so sad that my perspective of our relationship has shifted so much after this convo. everyone around me is saying to dump him and ik I probably should. even the fact im typing this out right now is an indication it should end but im just so sad and hurt and I just want him. is it worth it to stick through this? like what am I supposed to do, wait for him to fall in love with me? lowkey one of my nightmares coming true during this retrograde is wild lmao

TLDR my bf and I have been together for about a year and half and he just told me he loves me but is not in love with me. do I stick it out or is it wraps?

Tl;dr he's giving mixed signals.

I, 26F moved away for MA in the Fall 2026. My partner, 26M is currently in a different city, preparing for GRE, and working as a TA. My field is Film Studies and his is Physics, he's still deciding on his narrowed stream.

After i moved away for graduate school few months back, i made him promise that he'll come and see me after his exams. His exams are supposed to finish by the end of this month. I'm kinda getting busy with my school work, and tbh, I don't even know if i can host him as I'm sharing the apartment with one more roommate.

On the flip side, he's been jokingly telling me that i should pay for his flight, when i clearly told him, I'm short on money as of my current situation as a graduate student. He hasn't bought tickets, and it seems he has no intention of showing up.

Now, my concern is that, I've never had a successful long term relationship. This is something both of us feel, we've shared a common sense that we don't feel affection for people and hard to care for someone who's not physically around. Therefore we are both on the same page that it's important to see each other, after few months gap. Otherwise it'll be hard to even feel anything for each other.

Now, I've told him bluntly that, I'm not forcing him, to come and see me, it's upto him. I know we can figure out something if he only intends to come. But i feel like I'm being a despo talking to him about this again and again.

I like this guy, we have a lot in common, but the uncertainty, and his non-chalant behavior towards this is bugging me. I try to be understanding that he has very important exams and all. But idk am i the problem?

We are still together.

I really need to hear your perspective on this because I want to be better. Together 2 years. My first relationship ever.

I broke up twice with him. Once at the very start. We talked and rekindled the same day (at his initiative).
The latest one, about three months ago, because I got scared of him (and I told him). It was more like a “break”. I said : we take time apart to work on our issues. Unfortunately a lot of context made it unjust and terrible and traumatic to him because he was thrown out of the country that we were currently living in. We are back together.

Now, he says that I manipulated him, and that he should have seen the ”signs before’” that he should never have accepted me disrespecting him so much and that those breakups were betrayals. For context, I expressed unease around him in our very early days, in a moment of emotional intimacy. Because he had “big emotions”, I said “you have anger in your eyes, and I am scared you will hurt me one day”. It was during a conversation about me experiencing violence I do not want to specify in the past. There is a lot more context around it, I am trying to make it as short as possible. He says me being scared of him is also unacceptable. He says I abandoned him and will do it again.

I understand his feelings of betrayal, of course, and that he feels abandoned as well. It is just that it is impossible for me to move forward as a couple if he does not even start to maybe consider that the second breakup at least was an attempt to break a cycle of misery, and that I did not know what else to do.

I have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I lied about my past, making things seem way worse than they actually were, because I felt ashamed or because they concerned things I didn’t want to talk about, but felt he should know about, and wanted him to reassure me about. And, I didn’t feel like “I can’t talk about this right now” or even “I want to keep this private” were answers he would accept. He told me a few times that those things were behind us. They happened right at the beginning of our relationship. But sometimes, during fights, those old wounds come back.

All this while, I am doing my best not to bring up my own grievances, including the reasons why I got scared of him, which I don’t want to get into here.

TL;DR: How can I help my partner heal from the hurt and sense of betrayal he experienced when I broke up with him (we are back together)?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 3 months, and we’re still actively learning about each other. We’ve had talks about our pasts, who we’ve dated, etc. I’ve told him that I was in a 3 year relationship before, but I haven’t really gone into detail about it, . One thing I haven’t told him is that my ex is actually my neighbor, I’ve had times I’ve could’ve mentioned it but just didn’t, mostly likely because I feel ashamed or embarrassed. Me and my ex don’t talk or see each other anymore. I would say we’ve become strangers. I’ve come to terms with that relationship and realized that we were both young, toxic, and still figuring out who we were as we grew up. As I continue to move on from my past, I want to feel completely free from it. I think part of that means letting go of the shame and guilt I’ve carried from that relationship and being honest with my current boyfriend about it. I don’t have any feelings for my ex, and there’s nothing going on between us. I just don’t want to feel like I’m keeping something from my boyfriend, especially when I truly love him and want to be with him.
I guess I’m just wondering if I should tell him or if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. I want to be honest with him, but I also don’t want to create an issue out of something that means nothing to me anymore. Especially considering that this could also create doubt in his mind :(

TLDR: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 months, and I haven’t told him that my ex of 3 years lives next door to me. Me and my ex have no contact and are basically strangers now. I’ve moved on, but I still carry some shame and guilt from that relationship, and I want to let go of it completely. I love my current boyfriend and want to be honest with him, but I’m not sure if telling him is the right thing to do or if I’m overthinking it. What would you do?