My husband's oldest turned 16 next week. He's throwing a party for her. Her and I don't have a great relationship. She has been pretty awful to me and her siblings. Doesn't really have any friends or much of our relationship with her own family. Decided to let my husband play in this party on his own. Honestly, I don't want to help celebrate a child who doesn't even like me. But we'll see my question is is his kid 14m has a football game directly before the party. He decided to go and wants me to stay home and prep all the food, etc.... I told him I don't wanna do that. And I don't plan to. Mind you he hasn't helped me with any of my daughter's birthdays over the last five years. Didn't help me with our shared daughter's birthdays. And I ended up planning on doing all the work for one of his other kids bdays and don't want to again. What should I do? Should he skip his son's game to prep for the party?

Je suis avec un homme qui a un enfant de 6 ans. Il est séparé de la mère depuis 4 ans.

Dès qu'elle a accouché elle est allée voir ailleurs et ils ont divorcé.

Elle a forcé pour faire une FIV au plus vite pour avoir ce gosse mais depuis qu'ils sont séparés, l'enfant avait 2 ans, elle fait tout pour l'avoir le moins possible...

Actuellement et à cause des horaires de travail mon conjoint ne peut pas gérer son fils la semaine et moi j'ai mes propres enfants.

La mère refuse absolument de prendre plus son fils....

A quel moment, une mère, qui plus est à normalement vraiment voulu cet enfant étant donné le mode de procréation, ne veut pas son enfant ???

Un avis pas un jugement. Merci

My girlfriend is suddenly wanting to shift the dynamics of our relationship to have more consideration for her ex-girlfriend/the mother of her child. What I mean by this is that she’s now wanting to incorporate me less into the moments where her ex-girlfriend will be present as she knows her ex-girlfriend has a hard time mentally/emotionally seeing us together. So, for example, their child has a Halloween parade at school and historically I would have been able to join but now my girlfriend doesn’t want me to attend because she knows her ex will have a difficult time seeing us together. Her logic is that ultimately that’s going to benefit their child because she wants to create a relationship with her child’s mom where both of them can be in the same spaces together and get along for the benefit of their child and so their child can have memories of both of his moms together and happy. She said something along the lines of, “Is it really fair that Jack (their son) has to deal with his mom crying herself to sleep and laying around all day and struggling and shouldn’t I help her how I can not for her but for Jack?” This is just so different from how she’s historically shown up— letting me be more present even if his ex is around out of respect to our relationship and prioritization of me as her serious life partner.
They’ve been separated for somewhere between 2-3 years but only stopped living together as co-parents when she met me, so I think I also struggle with “you two have been separated for 2-3 years, it’s not your fault if your ex-girlfriend didn’t use that time to focus on her healing and is now having a hard time emotionally. This seems like a normal amount of time to have passed to allow yourself to incorporate a new partner into your coparenting dynamic.
It’s also hard because in the past she really nailed down certain statements like, “You’re my serious, committed partner and if you can’t be there, then I don’t want to walk without you” and “I want to regard our relationship like we’ve been together long term and have you present in all moments as my partner,” and “I just want to let you know that going forward, I will have bare minimum communicating and interacting with my ex” but then this is not bare minimum.
Is she being mature and healthy and I am just having a hard time? Or is my girlfriend’s ex being prioritized above me/her current partner in a way that’s not respectful or appropriate?

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. She has two daughters, 9 and 14. She didn't introduce me to them for six months, which I really respected, even though she told me about them on our first date. I also felt, at the time, that I didn't want to meet them if things didn't work out with us.

I met them last Christmas. Since then, things have been going fairly well. This summer we agreed to move in with each other and we rented a house and were able to give the kids their own rooms.

Since living together I feel like things have been tense. I have a lot of responsibilities but no authority and I am not making the kind of connections with them I thought I would. SD9 razzes me a lot and makes me feel unseen. Perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal but I never had kids of my own and always wanted to be a dad. And I'm starting to feel like the kids are never going to see me that way. And it's extremely depressing.

My girlfriend reads to SD9 most nights except when she has to work. Whenever she is gone, SD9 will never let me read to her. I went home recently and brought back some of my old kid books thinking I could share them with her and we could have some bonding but she has been stubbornly disinterested in them.

And I feel like I'm the one being a child over all this. I typically have a firm grip on my emotions and my life... At least I thought I did. And now my feelings are getting hurt? I feel pathetic. Like how could I let a 9 year old hurt my feelings?

I got SD14 a turntable and stereo for her birthday. I thought it was weird she didn't have a way to listen to music. And I gave her a ton of records. Since March I don't think she has listened to a single one of them. And if I'm being too sensitive about this, please tell me. This is all new to me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to navigate this experience... And I know what's really upsetting me is that my expectations are different from reality. But I don't want different expectations. I want to be a dad and feel like a dad. I mean... I do feel like a dad... Kind of... I just want them to see me that way.

I just don't know what to do and feel stuck. I mentioned having a kid to my girlfriend and she said she would be down but that the likelihood of that is slim at her age. I'm very jealous of the relationship her kids have with her. I am filled with emotions that I don't feel are very mature and are probably misplaced. It's a very confusing time for me.

But here I am... We have a house together and I have to see this through. And I can change my perspective and expectations. But it's so depressing that I've had less than pleasant thoughts about my own safety and well-being. Maybe it will pass.

I saw a post in another sub where someone was asking how people handled having a new baby while their stepchild was a teenager going through a rough phase. Fair question, I get that teenage years can be hard, especially in a blended family.

But I was honestly surprised by some of the comments. A lot of people seemed to think you should basically put your own life on hold and prioritize existing child until they turn 18 and move out before even thinking about having kids together.

I disagreed and said you can actially balance both. I also voiced how it isn’t fair for the new partners who is not a parent yet and want to be one. Step parents are supposed to only prioritize someone else’s kid’s well being first, over your desire to become a parent on your own and build a family for yourself? Well, my comments got downvoted like crazy, points being a teenagers living in a split divorced household is hard already, so bringing a half siblings will add more negatives into it so waiting is the best option? Some people even got petty, saying they hope my husband doesnt have majority custody of his son because they feel bad for my stepson?

But seriously, what about the partner who doesnt have kids yet? Are they just supposed to wait another 10+ years to become a parent because their partner already has a child? What if they’re in their late 30s or 40s? What if by the time the stepkid moves out, they cant even have kids anymore??

Of course your existing kids should be loved and taken care of. Nobody is saying otherwise. But why does having a child from a previous relationship mean your new partner has to put their own dreams of becoming a parent on hold? Why is everyone acting like you cant be a good dad to your existing child AND have another baby with your new partner? If I were to be a divorced parent with a child, I would not want to jeopardize a chance of having a new family with a new partner I love, just because my existing child is a teen going through a rough time.

My husband would never ask me to put my life or my dream of becoming a mom on hold just to accomodate his son. We believe there can be a balance. His son spends good balanced time in both households, I know it is hard growing up in a divorced households, but we do the best we can in a given situation to keep everyone happy in healthy balance.

Genuinely curious if other people see this differently.

I need advice on my living situation.

To preface this, I do not particularly enjoy kids, especially young ones, and I do not want kids of my own. The constant noise and seeking for attention, together with their general messiness, make me bubble up and set me in a constant fight or flight state.

Now, to the question in the title.

My partner has two kids aged 6 and 8 who are with us every other weekend. I find them particularly difficult as they are very loud, constantly seeking attention, and always bored and looking for input. They can be left playing on their own for a maximum of 30 minutes at a time, after that, they start becoming extremely loud and run around the house. They refuse to do quiet activities (i.e., drawing, making a puzzle) on their own.

When they are with us, I have no space for myself in the house. If I "hide" in our bedroom, they will eventually make their way to it even if my partner told them not to. My other option is leaving the house, but I sometimes just want to relax at home.

There are other things happening surrounding them (me being the taxi driver for everyone, them starting a Saturday morning activity and me having to drive them, me cooking and cleaning the house whether they are here not) which are not the main focus of my question.

I was wondering if it would be worth staying in a relationship with my partner, whom I love dearly, but getting my own place where I can live in peace and without chaos and noise surrounding me.

Does anyone have any experience on a similar situation? What would you do if you were me?

Edit: this post seems to have gotten out of hand. I'm not asking advice about the custody arrangements nor am I asking to judge the other parent. I'm asking about the living situation, so please keep your comments on that topic or do not comment. Thank you.

I had been a nanny for foster/adopted children from a troubled background and really felt like I had a heart and a call for loving and healing troubled children. I think that's part of the reason I eventually ended up as a stepmom; I was open to mothering children not my own. And I went into it wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Fast forward to now, and looking over my stepmom journey, I'm horrified and heartbroken to realize that I've witnessed happy, (relatively) normal children being incredibly emotionally damaged in real time. I've fought with sweat, blood, and tears, and I feel like my best efforts have been nearly fruitless. My SKs are so far beyond my reach now - physically for the older one, since he now lives full-time at his mom's; and emotionally for both of them since they've verbally abused me, scapegoated, and lied about me times beyond count.

I 100% blame BM and stepdad. After the custody case, the PA stopped, but it had already gone on for years and trauma like that doesn't just disappear.

I don't access these feelings so much anymore because they're frozen over, but the love and the pain are all still there underneath, and I can access them when I'm alone and undistracted.

Please, ask me any questions as I'm not gonna tell you everything from the beginning because it's a lot, but I'll answer questions.

I'm fairly new at this. I'm about 5 months in this relationship & with someone who has kids. I've know the person I'm dating for a very long time & we decided to give it a go.

I know what I got into when coming into this relationship. He has two kids, I ABSOLUTELY adore them. He also knows what he got into coming into it knowing that I have a few mental illnesses.

I know what I'm capable of & what I am not.

I know my limits. Custody is still being worked on through the courts with the kids, & yes. Everything has been very messy. There's no set routine.

I'm coming here because pickup days keep switching, I keep agreeing to everything but also voicing when I need space for myself as well, as I don't want to burn out & not be able to give all of what I need to for the kids. I took them on during the week while my boyfriend worked, had the little one, toddler for 8 hours a day for 3 days. THe older 1st grader has school & after school program. That, was already a little overwhelming for me as I've never been put in a situation like this, I took it on because I care & love my boyfriend & them very much. The schedule stopped due to the parents. Now, recently, they've agreed one week on & one week off. I wasn't spoken to about this.. I feel like I should have been included in this conversation because I'm being included in that decision that was made. So I'm expected to watch the little one all week, do morning drop off & after pick up. I should have been included to make sure I'm capable of that, because that's all it really comes down to for me. I'm typically getting more time with the little one, than my boyfriend is. I don't want to be selfish, because they are his kids. & I absolutely adore them. I just know how my body works, & that's going to be a lot for me.. I'm scared I'm gonna burn out & not provide what I need to provide for the kids & even him. I'm scared to bring it up because in my head, I knew what I was coming into.. I should be willing, & it's not that I'm not, it's that it's gonna take a toll on me & I will get overwhelmed & over stimulated. I feel like I'm continuously having to fight for my time & space & even time with him. I want my days to be my days.. I want my week to be my week. No interpretations of her calling asking us to take the kids on our week off.. & I feel like SUCH a shit person for thinking this way, but I'm also trying to keep my mental health in check. Advice please, am I wrong for thinking this way..

That's my new go to question any and every time my SD 8 tells me something her mom is going to do or said she would do. Her mom is flakey. I am so tired of that poor kid getting let down every week. Thanksgiving? She's going somewhere 8 hours away according to 8 yo. Has her mom asked or told an adult? No.

Last week she told kiddo she'd come pick her up from school and take her to do something. Never told an adult and day of at 7 am called my husband and goes, I can't come get her after school today so don't send a note with her. No one had any clue of her intentions to do that because she never spoke to an adult.

Today? She told my husband she'd take her out of school early. He called to make sure she was going to, she's flaked before after we canceled an adult waiting on kiddo at the house and we've had to scramble... Anyway, he calls her to make sure and she goes, well actually I am sick. After driving an hour and a half, she picks kiddo up from school an hour early, took her to target, bought herself some shoes nothing for kiddo, and then made her go to urgent care with her then dropped her off before school ended at our house.

1. Why the fuck did you feel the need to take her out of school early?

2. If you're sick why did you feel the need to pick up a child and not just cancel like all of the other times?

3. You drove an hour and a half here knowing you were sick? Why?

I just don't know or understand.

Normally I don't concern myself with it but like I don't want to be sick? I don't want your kid who lives with me to be sick? She has her 2 weekend of the month this weekend with her and she normally doesn't see her 2 weeks at a time, why not wait until Friday when you feel better to spend time with her? Just GAH

Looking for some support. Dad here, have 2 kids under 10. The kids’ mom and I have had a troubled relationship full of ups and downs even after we separated. No official court order or even a formal parenting plan, but we are now doing week on week off. Both our families live out of state so we are kind of on our own. We were also sharing a dog and cat going back and forth between houses but stopped doing that recently, now the animals stay with me full time, because she didn’t want them anymore.

I don’t have a good history with boundaries. I haven’t always been honest. I carry some guilt for how I treated her in the past. She is also fairly emotionally unstable and has caused me a lot of distress over 15 years. We both caused problems and hurt each other.

We’ve been separated for 2 years, the first year we played family for a while doing more stuff together with the kids but living separately, but now things are more separated. I am moving in with my new partner who was a friend for a long time prior, knows my kids well, and is amazing with them, they love her and are excited to live with her, and I feel blessed by all this. No, not an affair, we just found this path.

My ex is unsurprisingly not happy about any of it.

My partner has always been friendly to her despite internally not liking her, and has never said any bad things about her around the kids, very respectful and educated about how to do all this stuff well. My partner and I are on a path to have a child together in the next year and make a life of our own. My ex doesn’t know that but honestly I have kept a lot hidden because I don’t want her to unleash on me and have it affect the kids.

Mom of the kids is asking to see my/our new house, wants freedom to come in and out, generally likes to talk to me about what’s going on in her life, wants to know about my life and relationship, calls and texts all the time, makes comments about me in front of my partner to cause drama. On its face not anything that bad, but she has also been very manipulative and tried to sabotage my relationship. She also does not understand boundaries or respect them. She has thrown huge fits and threatened legal action when she doesn’t get what she wants. My partner is trying to be flexible but struggling, not okay with a lot of the communication and physicalities (ex always makes a point to hug me in front of her and our kids for example) and is asking me to set better emotional and physical boundaries with the mother of my kids. She doesn’t want any drama or hostility but is asking for clear, consistent boundaries, and says that will help our relationship grow, and it could enable friendship with my kids mom over time, which is what I want, for things to be easy. Partner doesn’t understand why this is so hard for me. I don’t know how to move forward I feel totally lost.

I really don’t understand boundaries honestly. I didn’t grow up with any of this and I don’t know how to set them. They feel mean to me like shutting someone out and it throws me into a dark fearful place. I can’t have a bad relationship with the mom of my kids. But it’s hurting my partner and my relationship and the life I want to pursue.

Throwing this out there in case someone has experience and might be able to guide. Would appreciate help figuring out how to set boundaries with the mother of my kids in this context and still aim for having a respectful friendship, since I really don’t want drama and can’t bring it around the kids.

Thank you

DH14 and I have been together for 2 years and married since July. He has SS14 and SD20. SD20 has a strained relationship with her father due to the divorce and his past treatment of her, but the son comes every other weekend max, many times skipping a weekend. DH has a “fun job” bartending at college football games that isn’t necessary for us to stay financially afloat. The games always seem to line up when his son comes. So he will pick his son up late Friday, go to dinner, watch tv and go to sleep, wake up and drive to the stadium an hour from our house, and is normally there until about 9 cleaning up. This leaves me with his son all day long. His son can’t make basic foods and just hogs the living room tv all day long on my one day of the week off to relax (I’m a lawyer and often work weekends.) He doesn’t leave his son easy to prepare microwave foods so I end up cooking all meals and buying all groceries and cooking basically all day. To be clear, it’s not his son’s fault at ALL. I can’t imagine having my child 3 days a month and skipping the only full day to make “fun money” and I have expressed this. It’s not like I have to babysit, but it’s completely unfair to me and his son. I know his son feels just as sad and enforceable as I do. Any words of advice?

It's because I always ask why when he tells me he hates me!

So SD13 was at her moms house throwing stuff in her room, trashing it, locked the door

Her mom’s husband (stepdad) took her door off the hinges and removed bc she was going crazy.

SD13 then called my husband (her dad) to come get her bc she was angry. He said no bc she isn’t in any danger and often acts erratic like this. She’s been kicked out of school, in ISS, and is currently in tenancy court for not attending school regularly. The truancy period is three years bc her mom let her skip school all the time and she’ll now go to jail it it keeps happening.

He usually doesn’t answer calls from

His ex bc she is super super high conflict. Drags us into these fights, then starts cussing my husband and threatening him.

It’s been peaceful for around 6-8 months… he stopped taking any and all

Phone calls and limited all communication via text.

If her husband took the door from the hinge bc her daughter is trashing her room

Smashing stuff etc

Why would the mom let her call her dad demanding he comes? Is she wanting him to confront her husband? Demand he puts the door back?

I can’t think any reason I’d disrespect my husband

Unless I didn’t agree with him and let my kids try and drag my ex into a conflict like this.

Anyone have experience?

My stepson is a tween, and this has been an issue for years but it’s just getting worse as he gets older (unsurprisingly.) His parents are in a nasty custody battle (HCBM wants to live off child support and my partner just wants his kids equal time and to be able to afford that) and he currently is at his mom’s much more than at our home. His mom doesn’t want to parent and is much more interested in her own life than her children. Thus, there is zero internet safety when it comes to the children.

This was one thing while they were young but as you’d imagine, step son is getting curious about things. For over a year my partner has been begging HCBM to put any kind of safety filters and effective passcodes on her electronics but she refuses or says she will and never does etc.

Lately, step son has been getting into trouble, including lots of sneaking around deleting history on devices at her house. She’s caught him with porn before. He’s been talked to by both parents. When he’s at our home he has zero access to unrestricted internet. It’s all very monitored and timed. We parent. But his mom doesn’t. So it just gets worse at her house. She screams and punishes but doesn’t actually put guardrails on anything and is constantly disgusted when stepson sneaks around and watches porn and god knows what else.

Well, now she’s found on a lesser-used device of her‘s an extensive history he forgot to clear of porn - including cam girls. This child is not even a teenager yet. Of course she demands his dad talk to him about it. And again he begs her to monitor step son’s Internet usage. She won’t put in the effort to protect him from unrestricted internet. This creates a cycle of damage control at our home and then back to mom’s house to acquire more damage we then have to deal with. (As you can imagine that extends to more than just Internet issues.) You would think anyone in the courts would care about this but it seems that HCBM can do whatever she wants with zero consequences or repercussions. (a theme with her.)

Have any of you dealt with this, and do any of you have advice for a situation like this?

Just struggling a bit and wanted to share. My partner and I have been together for three years. He’s got an amazing 10 year old. I consider myself fortunate that he’s such an awesome little kid and we’ve got a good relationship. He’s really become part of my family.

His mom doesn’t collaborate with my partner well, to the extent that we had to go court to get more time with him. She didn’t engage in mediation and spent the court process trying to tear down my partners character and parenting abilities. My partners stance was that she was a fine mom, but didn’t want him to be in his son’s life. We ended up winning lots more time with his son in court, but not 50/50.

It’s a year into the court order and basic scheduling is like pulling teeth. My wider family live thousands of miles away, so they go to lengths to get time with my SS. We have only one week a year where the whole family gets together, which our kid came to this year. We’re putting it together and his mom doesn’t want to give us the time with him. Even with the court order, it feels like things are done by her permission, not as parents with joint custody, and it denies a kid family that he loves (even if the whole step thing is unconventional.)

It tough. I love our family and what it’s grown into. It frustrates me that I don’t expect of her. I feel for my SS- we’d never talk poorly of his mom in front of him. It’s tough when it feels like she devalues our family.

My SD (6) lives with her stepbrother (10) when at her mother’s house. She told me in confidence this morning that they have “crushes” on each other and have been “kissing on the lips” but begged me not to tell her parents.

I am going to tell my husband after they’re in bed, but not sure if I should encourage him to raise it with their mom. It’s a very high conflict relationship and I am sure she will be angry at us and say we’re “accusing” her stepson of something.

I haven’t come across this before and I’m not sure if this is a typical and totally innocent thing or if this is a cause for concern. I know grooming and inappropriate touching does happen between step siblings but have no way of knowing whether that’s happening here or likely to happen. I’ve only met the kid once at her birthday party and he just seemed like a totally normal kid, so I don’t want to upset the apple cart over nothing.

Does anyone feel like they’ve taken on not only Step Children, but the Ex Partner as well? The WHOLE package. I have recently just woken up to the whole dynamic. I didn’t realise how much some Ex partners are still so dominant in each others lives. Is this a deal breaker? It is really quite a dark dismal reality dealing with this when you step back and look at it. Even if you love someone dearly.

“ Thank you everyone. I got great insight, validation and clarity. I’ll be requesting boundaries or I’m just going to leave the blended family world. It’s just not for me. 🙏

So my S0 has cptsd and freaked out on me about casually mentioning that I can drive separate for the Halloween trick or treating portion since his son was invited to go back to his friends house for a party after we all trick of treat together. I said. Maybe I shoukd head home since he has a play date after. He got so angry and even through some stuff in th home toward me but not at me.

My kids are grown adults. One is dependent on me while in college so life stages are totally off. So I sencond guess if I want to keep up with this relationship.

We talked later on and I said if its that important why don't you express that youd like me to tag along to all the festivities.

I feel like I cant express thoughts here. Makes me feels unsafe.

I already dont feel safe hanging around his ex because he lacks boundaries with her and im trying to protect myself from getting disregulated there. Friday afternoon we have to go to the kids parade then take the child home. Then Saturday to soccer then to halloween festivities by night. Thats alot for me. His child has ahdh and over stimulates me as is. I cant help this.

He asked me to go to a boy scout activity on the sunday after Halloween. I was like thats a hard No. I will be burnt the fuck out from his child for 2 days and all the other children and festivities. If I make it through the weekend I may end up not coming back. Ever.

I've been with my partner for almost 5 years. We're long distance and I've put in a lot of effort into the relationship over the years. Driving to see him because he has a son. I've tried for years to engage with his son, who is now 16. Asking questions about school, hobbies, friends. I rarely get more than a few words back. When we're all out together as a "family", he'll start conversation with his dad and I'll do my best to join in but I'm never invited to the conversation. Dinners and car rides are awkward. I rack my brains for things to ask, it's definitely got harder.

We're away this week all 3 of us and it's been one of the worse weeks I've experienced. I've cried a lot. My partner has snapped at me for not putting the effort in and also because his son doesn't put the effort in. But at no point will he say to his son to put effort in. I have asked questions, I have tried to initiate conversation. I've had zero answers this week. We went to see a film, I asked what he thought of it, he didn't reply. Looked at me then carried on playing on his phone. There's a point when you can only do so much and I'm exhausted. My partner has said we're not going away all together again and I agree because I dont want to be in this situation again but there is a huge divide.

I'm struggling to see that at any point it'll get easier. He's the type of parent where his son is smart and can do no wrong. There's plenty of wrongs but me crying will get ushered into the next room to prevent his sensitive son from hearing it. When he's the reason I'm crying, because I've been told off for his lack of effort. I love my partner, I wouldnt put the effort in if I didn't but I'm tired and not sure where to go from this.

Need some advice, my partner's oldest is simply brutal. She’s so disrespectful, and it’s not just me it’s to every adult in her life but she is ESPECIALLY mouthy and disrespectful with me. I don’t know how to adjust to this. I talk with my partner about it and she says “ she’s disrespectful to everyone in her life I’m trying ” or she will talk to her and discipline her but she has behavior issues so it does absolutely nothing. I love my partner, with everything I have. But this is so hard. Her oldest does not like me, no matter what I do and I continue to show up but it’s so discouraging. Every day I go home and wonder what I am gonna be faced with. What do I do? Keep taking the disrespect? I don’t want to NOT be with my partner that doesn’t even feel like an option. Just wondering what other people have done who may have been in similar situations. I can say one thing, being a step parent is not for the weak. Any Advice is welcome!

A divorced dad shared a routine he and his new wife use for dealing with their high-conflict exes, what he called "Texts from the Ex": on a weekend evening when their kids aren't around, they pull out a bottle of wine and read the most ridiculous messages from their exes that week in their best formal British accent.

My ex isn't that high-conflict and yet she still regularly sends me absurd and laughable texts, which I share with my partner. My partner commented early on that she was worried we'd run out of things to talk about when we stopped complaining about our exes, and while fortunately that hasn't been a problem 5 years later, our exes do continue to provide plenty of material.

Do you and your partner have a way to lighten the tone of interactions with your exes?

It's pretty much as the title says,

It's so draining, she's 10, she's got some sort of psychological issue, her older brother is severely autistic so I think she's got something similar. He refuses to think there's a problem with her because unlike her brother she can talk.

She's quite delayed, even in size she's around a 6 year old. She's never been dry at night and still occasionally daytime wets (this is not very often but her underwear always smells of wee as of shes wee'd in small amounts all day long. She's not being se**ally abused, she's been to the doctors and he's done bloods, physical, there's nothing. She doesn't wipe after going number two and her underwear are almost always full of poo.

She hides dirty nappies and pants around the house for no good reason, she has access to the bins.

She steals, lies, tantrums, attacks her younger siblings and sometimes her older brother too.

She shouts at teachers in school and is violent there too, she's been relocated three times due to it. We're in Europe and the school can't force a diagnosis. She's seen a psychologist but the problem is, she sees her for an hour every now and then, and her father lies and pretends these behaviours don't exist at home. He always says "she's a bit naughty".

She loves being naughty too, she loves when her father makes out like it's some cute thing "you are so naughty" with a big smile, it's just stupid.

She always wants to hear about things that are negative or unpleasant.

She has these major tantrums, especially with me, where she's screaming like she's being murdered and I just have to walk away.

But when she starts, almost every single time, her father tells her off, then tells me off. I "rile her up" or I "talk to her too much" and it's always my fault. He tells me I don't know how to deal with children and I should just shut up and go away.

I'm getting so sick of being spoken to like this. If I comment on anything, like if I see he's being unjust to another child in order to appease her anger, I speak, and that always causes problems.

What am I supposed to do?

I (M/33) have been in a relationship with my GF (F/41) for about two years now. She has two children (a 21 year old and a 9 year old) and both are awesome. She also has a good co-parenting arrangement with her ex-husband (father of the 9 year old), a solid career, she and her boys are all in all, great to be around. However, I'm still new to being in a relationship with kids (this is my first time doing this) and I'm worried I might be moving too fast on some things.

For background: I'm active duty and just recently came back from an unexpectedly extended deployment. I'm due to move in a couple months, so my GF generously offered to let me stay with her to simplify my moving logistics. I'm going to be moving cross country on my next orders and I'll be away for several years, so we''ll be doing long distance. Her 21 year old stays with her (he's going to college nearby) and her 9 year old alternates weekends and different weekdays with her (her ex lives just a few minutes away). I took her up on her offer to move in (move in being staying in her bedroom with her and storing some stuff in the garage), there hasn't been any issues, but I am starting to worry I may have moved too quickly on this.

I only met her 9 year old once before I moved in, and that was almost a year ago before I deployed. Hes a quiet kid, keeps to himself and I try to keep a respectful distance since I'm a new person in his life, and he already has a great dad. However, I am definitely a stranger in his life, and I'm worried that me being his moms boyfriend living there temporarily and then leaving, might not be the best or is creating a wrong impression. I also haven't met the coparent yet (the ex husband) to make sure he was okay with me being there and I don't know if that is a faux pas and something I should have pushed more for. For what it's worth, my GF says she has discussed it with him and that he is okay with his (he also has his own live in GF according to my GF).

Adding to my stress a bit is my mother. She's been very vocal to me that she thinks my temporarily moving in is a terrible idea. According to her, I'm being disruptive to the 9 year olds life since I'm only temporarily there and I'm being entirely too trusting of my GF saying all the arrangements are okay with her ex. My mom is also of the opinion that since I dont know either the 9 y/o or the ex well I'm opening myself to too much risk with the family, my mom is paranoid about me being the subject false accusations of child abuse or things of that nature. To be clear, there has been zero, absolutely no hint or inkling of something like that happening, thats just her fear.

For background context, I come from a very small insular family without a history of coparenting or stepparenting. My mother also works for a school district and is unfortunately exposed to a large amount of negative examples step-parenting and co-parenting arrangements. My GFs family is a very large extended family with multiple examples of step and co-parenting.

My biggest fear and whats been making me feel uncomfortable is being this new person in the 9 year olds life. The last thing I want to do is be disruptive to him or inadvertently cause harm by me being there and then departing so shortly after, especially since my living there is temporary. My mom's worry about fake accusations (again, nothing to indicate that would happen) has also been a little niggling fear in the back of my head. My GF, to be clear also, didn't invite me in to try and suddenly thrust being a parent on me, she is just trying to be nice and give me a spot to crash while I plan out my move. I've spoken to her about my discomfort and shes tried to assure me the arrangement is okay and that if I do want to crash somewhere else she is okay with that.

Obviously this is just a small snapshot, but since I'm a novice with this kind of relationship I wanted to see if you guys and gals had any experience with something like this. Am I overreacting and overthinking things or would some of you recommend I pump the brakes a bit more?