Several months ago, I was drugged and gang raped. I’m still hazy as to the course of events because I was drugged with fentanyl but it was the single worst thing that happened in my life and I’m still trying to recover from it.
So, I was at home, unwinding from a long, tedious day. I had gone shopping the weekend before and was wearing my new fits, preparing for a dinner date with my SO. A few guests had showed up to visit one of my roommates and that’s when things took a dark turn.
I started feeling a bit under the weather after accepting a drink from a female acquaintance of my roommate, I went to the room to gather myself and she came along with my roommate to tend to me. I took a hit of the bong, thinking that that would settle my nerves, but it was laced. After that, everything went dark.
At some point that evening, I woke up and there’s my male roommate penetrating me and what looked like a scene from a really fucked up horror movie. I told him to get off of me, but I was too weak to stay conscious.
I wake up the next morning, my SO was not there. He had overdosed that night after hiring the same bong, but he ended up in the ER. I felt incredible pain everywhere; my vagina had a strange, unpleasant odor and discharge leaking down and my anus was severely bleeding. I knew something had happened and it wasn’t good. But I felt so terrible that I couldn’t even get up.
I didn’t know what happened until someone told me. I’m still gathering all the evidence to see who was involved and it’s made me wanna die.
Basically, five men had drugged me, then proceeded to take turns vaginally, anally and orally raping my comatose body. They even kept going as I was nearly dead; ironically, one of them had the sense to narcan me. To add insult to injury, one of them was HIV positive and didn’t use any protection.
I found out second hand and thru rumors and outrageous lies spread by the perpetrators.
I’ve received 4 separate STI screenings since this had happened. And after six months of despair, I am HIV negative and not infected with any other bacterial/viral infection.
I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it because no one believes me. So? I just keep it all inside. I’m sorry for taking up so much of y’all’s time, I just finally got it off my chest’s

I can't tell if what I'm experiencing is anger, or hatred, anxiety or just fear. I don't want to punish him. The only thing I want is assurance he will never do that again to anyone and to never see him again. I don't think much about him, more about what he did and what he could have done. I hardly remember his face, but I remember... It...

I thought I wasn't angry because I didn't want to take it out on him, but I almost just made a whole post explaining how not angry I am to no one for no reason. Right now, no one is expecting that of me in my life. Some people online are talking about "dead men don't rape," but that's about the extent of the pressure. No one is pressuring me to feel angry about him... So why do I feel that? Why do I want to make it so clear to everyone that I am not angry with him? Why does that feel urgent?

With the weird ad against Amy Acton being talked about recently, I couldn’t help but think about how similar it was to my experiences, it sparked in me a desire to write this letter. I don’t know if I’ll ever send it or if I did, if it would make any difference. Can someone just tell me if sending this is worth it? The person is in prison for the rest of their life if that matters.

Tl;dr- trauma

“I’ve thought for a long time about writing this letter. Part of me never wanted to write it. Part of me wanted to say awful things and tear you down with my words. And yet, another part of me grieves that I would ever have to write something like this to begin with because as a stand in father, before all the tarnished memories, you could have been a good one. For my peace of mind and in an excruciatingly futile attempt to clear my mind of everything that’s happened, I’m sending you this in the hopes that you will read every word and hold it in high regard in your heart and mind.

I haven’t been able to let go of the anger. The hatred. I’m reminded almost daily via flashback memories of the life I had before and during your time around my family. I’ve spent years trying to rebuild in myself the ability to trust people around me and their motives. I’ve spent almost 10 years hiding and panicking and crying, begging for relief from the hurt I carry from your actions. You stole so much time from me. You treated me like an adult when I was a child. You coerced my trust, though I still saw through the cracks with the way you spoke to me. I used to think about all the harsh things I would say if I ever had a chance to speak to you again, and how I wanted you to feel the same mental anguish you inflicted on me. Now all I’d like to do is explain the grief that I carry in my heart for my family and what your actions did to us, so I guess you’re welcome for that (though I don’t know which one is worse).

The most important thing that you damaged is my trust in my mother. You came into her life and offered to save her and her children from poverty and bad living conditions, and what a beautiful chance you had to do something so good and right. Instead, you acted out your own abuse on her children and manipulated her into taking your side always in all matters, while behind closed doors you were ruthlessly damaging us. I cannot trust that she will make good decisions when MY children and I are around her. You are so enmeshed with her that she can’t manage to keep your name out of her mouth when I’m trying to spend time with her to rebuild some kind of relationship. She was a bright and beautiful person despite the things she had to endure, and while not perfect, she always tried hard to keep herself happy and keep us safe. When you were in the picture, all of that was completely different. God, it is heartbreaking to see someone so shining and lovely be tied down in this horrible situation.

Did you choose her because she had children or because you wanted to own her beauty and sparkle for yourself? You can’t live through someone else and you can’t steal her traits to become something worthwhile, proximity doesn't rub off like that. She wanted so desperately to have the ideal life, that she was willing to overlook the undeniably worst traits in you, and you took that and ran with it. She will never be the same because of you, and I hope that somewhere past your ego you can see that you couldn't truly love her as a person, just as a tool that would hide your shame and your true actions.

There were also cascading effects with the rest of my family I’m sure you know. My siblings and I don’t talk much anymore. Mom’s family now hangs a shadow over her head.

And for me, I found out I can’t even hug my mother without a terrifying dread and panic that there’s something terrible hiding behind her attempt at comforting me. I couldn’t hug my father like a daughter should be able to because of you. I distrust any older man around me. I assume everyone has something sinister in their heads and are waiting for their moment to victimize me.

Why did you put me on this pedestal? All I’d hoped for was parental love. And now, I’m practically an orphan, with my mom being more like distant relative than a mother in my heart. Whatever sparkle I had was dimmed. You didn’t take it, because it was never yours to own but you threw dirt on us, you covered us under the wrecks of your own bad experiences and choices. You never had a right to destroy us, regardless of your intentions or what you yourself had to suffer through. I can’t understand how someone who’d been so deeply harmed could then turn around and do the same thing to other people. Wouldn’t you want to protect others from those same confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking feelings? Wouldn’t you want to keep children safe from harmful adults when the adults in YOUR life failed you?

You did teach me a lot of things though, and for those I can thank you. You taught me how to drive. You taught me how to sweep the kitchen floor the correct way via insult. You taught me to work hard to get what I want. You taught me that if I was having a panic attack from nerves about washing my car for the first time alone, that the hyperventilating would eventually pass and I could drive with tears in my eyes to the car wash and do a half hearted job to keep from being grounded. You taught me what to look for in potential partners and what warning signs would be present in predators. You taught me how to sneak around behind peoples backs. You taught me that as a mother, my job is to keep my children safe regardless of WHO would harm them. That my most important job is to share what I’ve experienced with anyone who will listen in hopes that others would see the warning signs. You taught me that horrible things are everywhere. Even disguised as a helper, a father, a protector.

Through years of patient and loving support I finally can begin to see the light at the end, cultivated by (my bf) and his unyielding commitment to keeping me safe. I had so many struggles accepting the real love that he was offering because every bit of progress I would make was sullied by your existence in my life. Someday I hope I will think about you for the last time and finally have peace, but I know I won’t as long as you still keep the connections to me through my family. MY family. It stopped being your family the day the truth of what you were doing came to light. You severed it even before that, when you targeted me. When you targeted my brother. When you targeted my mother. You will always be the reason that my mother lost her family as well. You call her and talk to her and probably tell her sweet things about your love for her and how thankful you are that she’s still hanging on to you. How elated you are that even after everything, you have your “soulmate”. But you don’t have that. Because soulmate is a lie. You lie to her every time you call her. You lie every time you say “I love you”. You hold her in such a tight grip that even her own children can’t convince her to step away. What kind of person can do that to another?

I mourn for the person you could have been. For the family we could have had. I intend on deleting this account after I have confirmation you’ve read this as I have no desire to hear from you. I hope you continue to live with the gravity of what your choices have done to us for a very long time. I hope someday you let my mother go so she can finally find someone who actually loves her and will keep her safe.”

Does anyone else experience issues with fawning after being raped/assaulted? I can’t stand how timid I am but it’s literally involuntary. When I get approached by men my mind goes blank and I panic. The only thing my mind can focus on is not angering him or escalating the situation. It’s suffocating

Hi, I want to say sorry in advance for bad English. My current highschool is currently being investigated over +20 cases of SA to children from 3 different teachers ( this is insane Ik) I never stood up for me or wanted to tell anybody, I just thought “ oh well, it happened to me, you must cope with it” but now that the case is out, the names are out and even their faces are out, I feel the need to speak about it, it cannot simply be “ something that happened” I must talk not only for me, but for those children and for more potential children that could suffer this, that man needs to be in jail and I need to take part of that process. I already reached out to creator contents talking about this and showing their faces telling them that I could provide info and I already have lawyers ( even tho the trial won’t be happening in 4+ years, which got me INCREDIBLY upset and made me depressed, how come that man is going to be out there until trial? And trial doesn’t even secure that he has a fair punishment ( even tho there are tons of evidences) is there some legal/ down low way I can do some kind of whatever to make things worse for them ? This situation is incredibly traumatizing for me but I need to act, I won’t me silenced anymore, I want the world to know even more. Maybe I can drop names or would that make things bad for me? Maybe something dumber such as tagging the couples of the teachers in posts talking about them lol just to make them a bit uncomfortable at least, would that get me in trouble? Maybe they can track my adress so idk. I know they’ll never feel what I felt, but I don’t know, I can’t just sit here for 4+ years waiting for something to happen, especially when news are spreding and everybody in my neighbour knows about this case :(.

Seriously, what's their fucking problem? Do they get off on it?!

Edit: The mods here are apparently in favor of rape.

Hi, im 18 now but when i was 14 i was raped by my older sisters ex boyfriend (had broken up before this). he was in my tutor group at school and it happened next to my school in the woods (relevant)
we were in the middle of a conversation and i walked through those woods to get my bus every day so he walked with me and i didn’t think anything of it then did that. when i came forward a good amount of people said they saw me walking into the woods with him so clearly i knew what was going to happen, wanted it, then regretted it (which is very much not what happened).
after it happened, i had to take a week of school because i couldn’t talk properly, and by then hes told everyone i came onto him.
i got made to think i was absolutely crazy by everyone, got slutshamed and bullied over it, and that’s why i never reported to the police.
a couple of weeks ago he got arrested and has been put in jail for 4 years for the same thing to other underage girls.
if i had reported him they would never have been hurt and ive been feeling so fucking guilty every day for it. i’ve talked to my bf about it but he doesn’t really get it. i keep wishing id have done something and i cant help but blame myself

I feel like its all my fault. He's my ex. He used to do it in my sleep. He knew my step dad used to do that to me when I was a kid while I was asleep and I would wake up to it.

My ex did that some throughout our relationship. I would tell him its hard to say no. I told him I cant do it in my sleep. I wake up so vulnerable and I cant make it stop.

We have a kid together and I broke up with him a month ago.

This is where I get extra stupid. I missed him. And I started inviting him over more to see our child. We hooked up post breakup. We did that maybe 2 or 3 times.

Last night he comes over via my invitation. He fixes my car for me. He had a bad day and so did I. We fought about somethibg dumb for like 3 hours. Lotta old stuff from the relationship came up.

After I eventually started crying he starts telling me to sit next to him and telling me how pretty I was. We talk like normal again and I thought things were gonna be okay.

He asks if I want a beer bc apparently he had gotten me one on the way over. And I agreed and we drank.

I passed out and while I was in and out of sleep he slept with me. He kept waking me up by patting my face or trying to shake me awake while he had sex with me.

I cant even convince myself it was the r word. I cant even really stand to say it. Because he's done this before and somehow it hurts more now.

I feel so stupid for being here.

I cant stand thinking that what happened was rape but it always feels like it. And I think I just love him too much to call it that.

Oh god I hate myself for saying that.

I tried to bring it up to him before months before the breakup that I felt like he had r worded me. And he started fighting with me and telling me I was calling him names.

But I feel like he should know I cant consent if im asleep or drunk and when it happens when im unconscious just like how it did when I was a kid I feel like I did back then and I cant speak up for myself or make it stop I just feel bad and tell myself that's not what it was.

He would make me feel so bad when I insinuated what he was doing that I gave up.

And I dont even know how to make .myself believe that he did anything wrong.

I just feel hurt and stupid. Especially bc I broke up with him and had hooked up with him previously. It blurred all the lines.

I feel so stupid.

i’m confused on what this is, i was molested my entire childhood at first i was groomed into it i think and when id refuse it as i got older it got violent and id be physically punished for struggling then it suddenly stopped one day, now they act like nothing happened like its a completely normal family and now even the person who molested me became my closest and only friend i was isolated and he was the only person nice to me and they’d give me gifts daily and treat me kindly daily like nothing happened and i feel so stupid because i still love him even though i realize he raped me and hurt me and anytime i’ve told anyone anything it just gets me in trouble what even is this called am i being groomed??? what genuinely now that he doesn’t rape me do i have to offer why would he groomed me when he stopped already?? now what is this relationship???

Tag says for it self I had argument with a person where I said my rapist needs to go to jail and I will forgive him. Too which person replied that everyone deserve second chance even child rapist

I heard this so many times but it hurts each time even more

In my childhood, I was sexually abused and harassed, and this made me live a chaotic childhood due to constant fear and tension. Of course, every time this happened, I never defended myself, nor did I even scream or cry. To this day, I have never cried about it because I was only blaming and judging myself: ​'How did you let him do it?' 'Why didn't you defend yourself?' 'This is your fault!' ​I lived my whole life judging myself for this. My mental health was destroyed at that time, and I was just a child.

The first time this happened to me, I was only 5 years old. I don't remember the details, but I remember it happened. Of course, like any normal child, I went and told my mom, but instead of mom understanding me or even making me feel that it wasn't my fault and that I was little, no—mom started crying and then started blaming me! She started saying, 'You should have defended yourself more, you should have screamed.' Of course, as a child, I was shocked (I was scared mom would tell dad). ​

And after this situation, I lived in tension and fear—I'm not exaggerating when I say half of my childhood I was afraid of my dad and my brother, to the extent that I was afraid to be in the same room with them alone. ​Of course, this thing didn't stop even after I told my mom; on the contrary, the matter escalated, and it was from several people (not at the same time). They would ask me to do disgusting things (to touch their bodies, kiss them, and have them touch me), and of course, I don't know why I didn't refuse, why I didn't say 'No, this can't happen.' ​Then, at the age of eight, I was raped three times during the same period. In each of those times, I didn't defend myself, even though I knew this was wrong.

No, I didn't move; I just accepted the situation (he would buy me candy or chips afterwards). I didn't understand why I didn't defend myself; I was just scared and tense. And after that, for a very, very long time—let's say most of my childhood—I lived with anxiety, tension, depression, and teenage angst. ​Of course, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't vent to anyone, I just kept it bottled up inside my heart.

I couldn't process or even believe that I went through this without defending myself. The problem was that it happened to me multiple times. Not once did I defend myself; I was scared people would find out, every day I was scared my family would find out. And of course, at the age of nine, by coincidence, I came across pornography, and I started watching it, and I knew this was the same thing that happened to me, and I even started thinking that I must have enjoyed it every time, which is why I didn't defend myself.

I started judging myself and drowning in bad habits. ​And after a while, I bottled the issue up deep inside me. I stopped reminding myself of it, and slowly I forgot until, by coincidence, I started reading stories of people who went through these things, and I started seeing that all of them had one thing in common: which is that they hate their abusers. But I don't hate them, and I never thought of hating them. All my life I've been judging myself. ​And then slowly, I realized that I never even shed a single tear over this matter, to the extent that when I cry and remember it, I want to cry, but suddenly the tears dry up. Days come when I feel depressed and just want to sleep, days come when I feel a lump in my throat, but I can't cry. ​And slowly, I resorted to Reddit. I was just talking to people, but not once did I feel anyone understood me, not even after they said they went through something similar.

And the worst thing is that every time I watch porn, I don't watch it because I'm lustful or have a desire; I just want to feel something, but fundamentally I don't feel anything—no desire, no arousal, I have no attraction toward boys, nor can I even feel attracted. Everything I try to fix, my life gets ruined. Every time I try to develop myself, I find myself tense, scared, and unable to process things. All my life, I depended on the idea of imagining another life far away—meaning that this isn't even my life, and that none of this ever happened. ​Every day I hope I die. Every day of my childhood, I saw myself as foul, vile, and worthless, not deserving of this life that God gave me. I couldn't cope with this reality, and to this day, I cannot feel any emotion toward the matter except self-blame and judging it. I can't comprehend that I am a victim; I just can't.

I always hear those words and I'm tired of it. It's not your fault, you're not the reason, but I don't think so. All I want is to stop feeling like something is holding me back. This affected me physically My relationship with my family is great and my friends are amazing, but I can't talk to them about it. My circumstances do not allow me to see a psychiatrist or therapist.

Thank you to anyone who read this

I'm 19 now and when I was 17 I was raped by my cousin while I was on holiday. I've never told anyone what happened and I've been keeping it to myself for the past two years.

I've found it difficult to talk about and I don't really know where to start. Part of me feels like I should have told someone by now, but another part of me finds it terrifying to even think about opening up about it.

Because it was a family member I don't know how to approach the situation or what telling someone would mean for my family. I've never spoken about this publicly before so even writing this feels like a big step for me.

I asked alot of people, everyone told me it's not, even my brother, who actually jokes about this. So, for context, my older brother burshung his teet in the bathroom, i come infornt of him and start twerking infront of him to annoy him (ik im childish and cringe) and i accidently burhs against his yk what trough the clothes. He said it was uncomfortable to him etc etc. So uh, i had no sexual intent or anything but idk. He doesnt really care as i said, joking about it and annoying me with this accident. And neither does he counts this as SA but idk.

When I (28F) was a senior in high school, I went to a college party for the first time on a spring break trip, hung out with a group of older college boys at their house, and got very drunk with them.

What I remember: One of the boys and I both got very drunk (equally), went back to my hotel room, had unmemorable sex, and then he left and went back to the house he shared with the other guys.

This week, I found old texts that contradict this memory. (My memory has been faulty around that general time in my life due to other trauma, so not unusual).

The next morning, I texted my friend, “I have to go buy plan B now because I just found a piece of condom inside me from last night and the dbag didn’t even tell me it broke. And it’s not like he was drunk either, he was completely sober.”

2 things that are concerning and a little confusing:

1. Is this considered stealthing? Is there any world in which he wouldn’t have noticed the condom broke, even after? Is this sketchy or some form of assault?

2. I was SO drunk. Like, really really drunk and barely functioning. Which seemed fine when I thought he was also just as drunk and we were on equal footing, but in hindsight it makes me uncomfortable to know that he had sex with me when I was that wasted and he was completely sober.

So, was this just sketchy, or was it SA? I’m leaning towards sketchy, but I’m not really sure what to think.

I am coming to terms that I may have been raped multiple times. Some may say it was just SA but I disagree.

First was at a Halloween party when I was around 14. We were playing a game and one by one we were going in blind folded to play a game in a side room. Older woman and her husband weee role playing and he was a mummy. The woman held me close and told me to touch something that felt cold and limp first but quickly warmed up. She asked me if it was a man or a woman and the way she said yes it’s a man gave me the chills.

Second was when I was 21, I told my partner to stop but he continued. Also said yes to front bur no to anal but he continued.

Third I am not so sure. In a lake. Around 27. Me and a male friend were skinny dipping and he hugged me. He said it went in accidently but i am not sure if he could have accidentally penetrated someone from that angle.

Then there are other times when I’ve been passed out in the hotel and waking up feeling sore. Some things I did consent to but some things were by force.

Firstly: I dont know if this is the right subreddit for this. If it is only for female/trans victims, please don't ban me. I'll simply delete the post & move on elsewhere. It's clear many men won't talk about it, so I plan to gather as many coping mechanisms as I can from female victims to help me cope.

~

On October 5th, I was gangraped by four males from Latin Kings, whilst a fifth Latin Queen recorded & kept a snubnosed pistol on me so I wouldn't resist. I wouldn't have resisted regardless because I didn't want my sis or two nieces to get caught in the retaliation. I even let them in because I wanted it to be over, so I felt safe to visit my favorite gals. I figured a beating or a bullet were the price I'd pay. What happened, for me, was worse.

It probably sounds dumb, but I didn't want any females in my life to know because it felt shameful. I have/had 3 close male friends, but one died recently, another I cut off after I reported him to the feds when I found cp on his PC. The third is incapable of handling deep conversation.

So I told my (ex?) brother-in-law, swearing him to never tell my sis. He did after a week, because ofc he did. Why? Because he thought I was making it up (I can go much deeper in detail if it's requested)

She believed him over me & thinks I'm lying because I didn't "show" trauma (because I was putting on a brave face for her & the girls)

The guy that let her go to a woman's shelter with their then 3 year old daughter, instead of allowing her to stay at the house (I offered to let him stay at my place completely free) until she got on her feet.

The rape hurt, literally & mentally, but the female recording & my sister not believing me honestly hurt more. Wtf is wrong with me?

I was going to remove myself from the Minecraft server, when I finally got approved for Spravato after nearly 3 months of waiting, just two days after what happened. It honestly saved my life & is the only thing keeping me going besides my mama.

Anyway, I'm absolutely shirtfaced, so I'm just gonna stfu now. I'll answer what I can, but I am a tech boomer so bare with me.

Thank you for listening & caring.

Aside from vocal threats, like for context if the person says "Yes", and goes through it all because they are not able to say "No", because the other person is like best friend.

I don’t have an outlet that feels safe at this point in time. I feel so incredibly lost, embarrassed, and disgusted. I don’t remember most of what happened, but I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. I know it happened, I remember being asked if it was consensual, and I remember lying. Is it consensual if I don’t remember what led up to it? Is it consensual if I barely remember the act? I don’t know how to feel or what to do. It happened in my friend of ten years room and he seemed more upset about where it happened than the act itself. I tried telling him I don’t remember much, but he didn’t seem to care. Before Saturday I trusted that he was someone that would keep me safe and I don’t feel that way anymore and it’s adding more pain to this whole situation. He didn’t do this to me, but I’m so hurt by him. It’s crazy to me that his little brother was the only one that cared enough to ask if it was consensual, and I hate that I told him it was. It couldn’t be because drunk girls can’t consent.

I remember the seats of his car, old and dusty. I remember him on top of me. He panted heavily. I remember how it felt. How badly it hurt. I remember the things he said he'll do to me if anyone found out. I remember the tree at the side of the road it happened. How badly I cried. I told him to stop. I remember how quiet my usually cheerful voice went. I can still feel it, his weight, I tried to push him off with all my strength. He was way bigger and heavier than I am. I could still hear the buckles of his belt, the next kid he had to pick up from the same school as mine. My uniform felt like knives rubbing against my skin. I can hear his grunting and the words he called me. I can feel how he folded me in half in his backseat and ruined my life. I can taste the saltiness of his hand that was over my mouth. The tissues he used to wipe himself afterwards. His final threat. I will kill you if you tell anyone. I could still feel my hands shakily button up my uniform shirt and pulling down my skirt in shame. He left me there. At the side of the road to walk the rest of the way. I can still feel the pain between my legs as I limped my way to my after school tutoring. It was so painful. I remember the shop I stopped by because my legs were shaking too badly to walk. My school friend meeting me there and I pretended to be normal. I went to the bathroom to see the blood between my legs. I can feel the content of my stomach emptying in that bathroom. My friend asking me why was a limping on our way to the tutoring. I hurt my knee. I couldnt focus anymore. I was scared. I was shaking. I had a panic attack in the bathroom at the tutoring. I never went back. Failed all my classes. Now I cant get into or afford college. He, my taxi driver. ruined my life and I just want it to end. I want to end my life because I remember.

I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit but I wasn’t sure where else to come. 3 years ago I was at a family party and I passed out drunk, when I came round my cousin was rubbing my vagina. I was horrified and got away. I didn’t tell people for a variety of reasons, mostly shame. His partner was upstairs and he has a child. A week later he started harassing me, he reached out and tried to gaslight me, when he realised I remembered everything he said he’d never forgive himself and doesn’t expect me to and begged me not to tell anyone.

I went to a family party over the weekend (the first one in 3 years) and I was made aware that he’s told my gran, uncle and other cousins that something had happened between us that was completely consensual. I broke down in front of everyone and told everyone, which was obviously upsetting for everyone there. I just feel absolutely devastated - to violate me like that, leave me to pick up the pieces of shattered self esteem, anxiety and shame, and then to attempt to ruin my reputation with people I love.

I’m honestly terrified of what may happen now it’s out there, if he will contact me or threaten me to change the story. I’m genuinely terrified

I 30F have been married to my husband 32M, who we will call Seth, for 5 months, and together for 6 and a half years, although we did break up once or twice in the first 2 years. I have autism, borderline personality disorder and complex PTSD (all diagnosed), so please be kind.

I recently found out from the police that they will not be advancing my rape case to CPS. This was against an ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 2 years and we will call Gavin, when I was 18 to 21 and he was approximately M20 to 23. Since this news, I have been spiralling and checking social media of his friends and family since I'm blocked by Gavin or he doesn't have social media. I found out he got married on my birthday weekend in 2025, about 7 months before I got married.

Gavin lost his virginity to me, but I had a couple sexual partners before him. About a month into our relationship, Gavin got kicked out of his family home, because of issues with his step-mum, and moved into my family home, with my dad and 2 brothers, which was supposed to be temporary, until he could find accommodation for himself. This was a turbulent time for me, as my parents were in the middle of getting divorced, and my mum had custody of my sister, but wasn't letting us see her. Gavin was very abusive, but not physically. It was more financial, emotional and coercive control. Without getting into everything Gavin did, He didn't start out that way, obviously. He love bombed me and continued to love bomb me in front of my family, which is why he never moved out until we broke up, and my family seemed to love him. Gavin love bombed them too, going as far as calling my grandparents "nan and grandad" after the first time he met them. My family saw it as him embracing my family as his, but in reality, they couldn't see Gavin's flaws when I went to them for help or voiced genuine concerns about the relationship. Gavin would take my phone once he or I got home from work each day, and not give it back until he had gone through all my messages and social media activity. Gavin would rape me at least once a week on average, including after every time I cried, from being unhappy with our relationship or something external, without fail. Gavin wouldn't let me sleep with clothes on because Gavin wanted "easy access" if he were to wake up in the night. I would have to show him what I spent that day, detail to him where I went and who I was with. My friends caught on to Gavin's behaviour and how trapped I was. They called it out, both to me privately and in front of him, which led to me being able to see them less and less and Gavin would have to be there every time I saw them. I tried to break up with him a lot but he wouldn't accept it. The only way I thought I could have broken up with him is for him to think I cheated on him. One day, when I was off work but he wasn't, I messaged someone on social media and got them to meet up with me, so he would see at least the social media activity at least and end the relationship. I did meet with that person but we only kissed. I know this was immature but I was 21 and felt completely stuck and didn't know how else to get through.

The break up with him hit harder than I thought it would. My dad and brothers acted very disappointed in me and were very cold with me for months, if not years. They thought that me cheating meant I was like my mother, who had cheated on my dad and us 4 kids (because when you have a family you don't just cheat on your partner), so got comparisons to her actions. This lead to various crazy actions from me, such as leaving notes on his van to get back together and multiple suicide attempts. I had a downward spiral from here, until 6/7 years ago, when I was 24, when I met my now husband. My family still didn't believe my ex was abusive and spoke about him highly throughout the years, including to my husband, when we were first dating.

I'm not contact with both my parents and have been for 4-5 years. I was no contact with my brother's and dad's family for this time too, and restarted talking to them about a year ago and don't talk to them much, only seeing them a couple times since.

I'm frustrated that my PTSD from that past relationship still holds weight in my marriage. Although my husband is very understanding and cares for me and doesn't (nor wouldn't) complain about it, I feel horrendous about it. It's not fair that my ex gets to live his life, knowing he defiled my body over 100 times, and is still walking around the streets.

In terms of police activity, I took a "are you in an abusive relationship" quiz online about 6 months after the relationship finished, which led to the police knocking on the door to talk about it, as it was abusive, but didn't take further action. I only went to the police about the rapes about 2 years ago, when I truly calmed down from being in fight of flight since I was a teenager, and realised I was a victim of rape, amongst other crimes I won't get into now. Here in the UK, the statute of limitations doesn't apply to these types of crimes. However, after the relationship ended, I did delete all pictures, videos, messages etc of my ex, so the police have very little evidence to go off: only my account and limited statements from my friends.

What can I do for my previous relationship to no longer affect my marriage?

I got raped in 2008 and experienced a very serious betrayal from a friend that led to a mental breakdown. I only just now started to process this trauma

I managed to dodge a lot of very serious drugs. I only got addicted to nicotine

A few days ago my state (PA) banned nicotine vaping products and I refuse to go back to cigarettes. I'm extremely scared to quit vaping

I feel like I can't process trauma without nicotine?

I feel like, by quitting nicotine, I have to "conquer" or "overpower" all of the people who've abused me over the years?

It feels so impossible in my mind

I expressed that to my therapist on Friday and I was very grateful. She confided in me that she has personal experience with these issues, and she also quit an addiction to nicotine

Feeling powerless absolutely sucks.

But the ironic thing is... When I'm able to cry, I cry really really hard

And then my body relaxes, my stomach doesn't feel tight and sick like it always does, my chest relaxes, my tongue and jaw don't feel numb anymore, I no longer feel like I have a "lump in my throat"

And I don't feel the need AT ALL to vape

So I guess my initial fear/belief of "I can't get thru trauma without nicotine" is false?

I'm just so damn scared right now. If anybody has been thru this I would greatly appreciate support