Long story short I made a big awful mistake reneging on my acceptance to join my dream employer. they are my dream employer because it Is a job with the state government that would’ve provided me with job security after I survive 6 month probation. They would've given me everything I wanted like work life balance, a pension, healthcare benefits that included IVF which would help me and my partner start a family, student loan forgiveness, you name it. And the salary range potential is exponential as I move up in the role (High 6 figures).

I got a job after applying multiple times over the years with them and they were always my dream place to go. i work in a very niche industry and there’s only a few places in the area that does that and this was always my end game, where I wanted to land. ultimately I don’t care if it’s this job but I planned my whole future for working at this employer.

In a moment of panic ,bad imposter syndrome and worry for my coworkers who would be left with all my stuff to do, I decided to accept the counteroffer (which is still lower than what the dream employer offered) and while I regretted it the same weekend, I felt like changing my mind again would burn the bridge at current employer so I messed up. I worried too much about failure and burning the bridge instead of the future this job could’ve given me. Now I’ve burned the bridge at where I always wanted to work and have lost sight of everything. I’ve effectively locked myself to my current employer and at a ceiling of the salary they gave me.

This gave me awful anxiety and depression and now I am on medication to help with that. Unfortunately, I don’t like my job because WLB is non-existent and I dread going to it, and this situation only made it worst. How do I survive this feeling while coping with the loss of the career path I wanted/ dream employer I wanted to work at? how do I forgive myself for crushing my own future?

Hello, hope everybody is having a good day.

I graduated high school class of 2020 so the COVID pandemic hit right as I was supposed to be launching into the “real world”. I spent most of my childhood pretty isolated from living what I would call a “normal life” (elementary school was spent in a big city at a school well outside my neighbourhood and high school spent dealing with an alcoholic single parent 24/7) so to put it bluntly, I’m really unequipped when it comes to most essential skills. I can’t balance a budget, can’t really keep a clean house, can’t cook to save my life, etc.

On top of all of that, I’m diagnosed ADHD and OCD which makes it harder to get down to business on improvement. The OCD especially hijacked the lockdown years as it was so severe that I couldn’t leave the house barely at all for probably two years. I retreated very deeply into the internet and video games in a way that I still struggle to break out of.

I’m about to be 25 and I finally got it together and applied to university. I wanted to wait until after restrictions lifted at least but then after that happened I was too afraid to make any substantial changes to my life and didn’t get around to it until now. I’m very excited to take this step towards self improvement finally but after I accepted my offer today, this wave of complete terror just washed over me because I realized that I don’t know if I know how to go to school anymore.

All I’ve been doing for the past 5 years is going to work, coming home and going to social events but I haven’t had any kind of high stress, high effort commitment to keep track of since genuinely high school. I’m due to start in January.

I guess I’m just wondering if anybody has any tips on how I can, for lack of a better term, get my shit together between now and then. I can barely read anymore and I don’t think I can write very well either. Terrible at keeping a schedule and cannot save money worth a damn. I really really want this to work out so I’m kind of willing to try anything :(

I'm 35 (m) and for most of my life I've been shy, awkward and just kind of a loser. I was very judgmental and hateful towards people I don't agree with as well as being jealous of them at the same time. I've now become nonjudgemental, inclusive of everyones opinions even if I disagree with them, and just generally a better person than I wanted to be when I was young and that translated into every aspect of my life. I don't want to be braggy but honestly it's something I'm proud of and thought I'd share, as well as give hope to other (younger) people that might be going through the same.

I was born with some health problems that made me physically weaker and smaller than almost everyone around me. These issues also caused malnutrition which meant my development was kind of limited. I cannot gain weight and I'm chronically underweight (even today, but I look healthy), I lost all my hair early at 25, I have all kinds of issues with my bones and muscles and different health problems, so naturally I was bullied a lot when I was young and that caused all kinds of issues in my personality. I had trouble with sleep, anxiety, socialization (especially with women, more on that later), and it just made me bitter and hateful.

The biggest turning point I had was leaving my religion (Islam if anyones wondering, and I was not practicing almost at all, but held the belief deeply) and everything just kind of snowballed from there but in a good way. I've always been smart, but was also very limited by the cultural and religious bias, however the past 10 years have been transformative for me as I developed the ability to really consider everyones opinions, empathize and understand the world in a better way than "us vs. them" (those who know know). People now come to me for advice for their personal problems and trust me to help. This is something that changed so fundamentally in me that I can say I'm a completely different person today than I was when I was even in my early 20's let alone in my childhood.

In dating as I said I've always been shy awkward and unattractive, and I went through the rabbit hole of red/black pills and thought I was unlovable. I eventually came out of them as I started knowing women better and understanding their needs and problems. Of course I improved my appearance and leaned into my balding. But the most important thing is that I always had trouble being friends with women (probably because I was shy, awkward and judgmental when I was young) so of course I didn't understand them. However after I became less judgmental and more open to different types of communication I became friends with truly amazing women and their friendship helped me develop a personality that would be considered more attractive. I feel proud today to have been in different relationships and even though they ended it wasn't my fault or even theirs and we hold no hard feelings.

In money and finances I've been through a terrible time caused by factors completely out of my control (severe family debt), however I'm proud to say that I dug myself out of it and while it's not 100% where I want it to be yet, the future does look positive if I continue on this path. I genuinely feel like the future looks bright despite the crazy shit we're going through in the world, at least on a personal level.

Some of the things that helped me improve are becoming good friends with people from around the world from different cultures (through an exchange program and travel and even online), made friends with different kinds of women and went into real relationships that broke my previous biases about the sexes, trying to fix my health issues to the extent I can, I leaned into the music I love and the rave community that's inclusive (going to events changed me the most in the beginning).

Nobody is perfect and we're all changing all the time, but today I truly feel proud of the changes I made and the changes I plan to make in the future, and I hope everyone going through tough times or recognize that they're on the wrong path can get through them.

The flair of this post should be “Seeking Hope” icl.

I am 20, and for as long as I can remember I have been depressed. I went through a year long depressive episode recently and I can feel myself slipping away again lowkey, and falling into one again. I don’t want that to happen. I cannot remember so many years of my life, mainly the last few ones because I have been so depressed I don’t know what I have done ever during those. It is truly a sickness because I feel like my brain is infected at all times and no matter how I think or what I do, it ends up winning. Right now I’d say I am glad I am aware for once because I can finally describe how I feel : my brain feels like it’s in a thick fog, I cannot think clearly, I do not have any desire to see whatever my future is. I want to live though, and that’s the constant battle in my head. I feel hopeless basically at all times but I know I want more. I want to get better. I know this is something that is going to be with me forever, that’s okay I’ve accepted it (probably), I just want to learn how to live with it. I want to get better grades again, I want to live for what I personally believe my life’s purpose is. I want to stop feeling like everything is a catastrophe, like I cannot trust anyone.

If you have also been through very dark times, and now you are in a stable situation and could even consider yourself happy : how did you do it ? What changed you once and for all? I know there isn’t one answer for everyone, but I am wondering what really helped you in your journey of getting better.

I’m 24 and honestly feel lost in life. I don’t know what career path to take, what my hobbies or interests are, or what I genuinely want to do with my life.

It’s affecting my confidence, happiness and relationship with my girlfriend. I feel like I should have things figured out by now, but I don’t even know where to start.

For anyone who has been through something similar, what helped you find your direction? What advice would you give your 24 year old self?

I’d genuinely appreciate any advice or personal experiences.

The title pretty much summarizes it. When I get a mean comment online I take it to heart and it bums me out for a while. I want to change this, because I'm learning to make indie games, and I need to be strong when I get negative reviews. Thanks in advance.

After a learning experience at the age of 16 crushed my confidence to do so, I finally worked towards learning how to drive and I got my license.

I’m continuing to strength train for over a year now as well.

I’m in college, but honestly I don’t feel engaged with what I’m learning about and it feels so tedious and isolating. I don’t like how many teachers of mine are using ChatGPT to help format their lesson and the course plan. It’s usually just subscriptions to learn how to use software and I’m craving more challenging content and subjects. I’m a Data Analytics major so go figure, but I am not sure if making the technical tools my main thing is a good choice…

I enjoy health and wellness, psychology, learning about organizations and systems… what we can do to improve these things for everyone. So any advice there is much appreciated.

Also, any good podcasts pertaining to subjects about weight loss, health, science, philosophy, creativity and film, or personal development? I’d love any and all recommendations! Audiobooks are more than welcome!

Any fun horror / thriller stories too. I’ve been cutting off social media time and I’d love anything to learn and sink my mind into.

Growing up, I was in a few relationships with men, and about 3 out of 5 boyfriends have cheated or done questionable things. I also cheated on one of my boyfriends. I am now married, and my husband (who was also cheated on) and I have agreed that cheating is one of the most horrible things someone can do. Recently, my sister mentioned that she thought her husband was cheating on her, however, after investigating we found out that he wasn't. My husband recently traveled a lot for work, which I pushed him to do because it would be good for his career. Now he's traveling again in a few weeks, and for the last 3 weeks my mind has been spiraling that he might be cheating as well. I am an anxious person, and I don't want this to become a self fulfilling prophecy. My husband is a good guy, and I haven't found any evidence either. Not sure how to snap out of this. Any advice is helpful. 

I'm in my 30s and constantly anxious at work. I feel like I never know enough, freeze in calls when pushed or when topics come up, and can't say no to pushy people. I'm scared that if I open up, people will see I'm not good enough.
Outside work, I second-guess every decision and judge myself against an impossible "perfect man" standard.
Some weeks I feel fine, then it all comes back. I've tried counselling, CBT and breathing exercises, but nothing stuck.
Curious to know how and get insights on what helped ?

to make a very long story short, i was seeing a guy very casually in the beginning of the summer we started as friends. he asked to be exclusive and i reluctantly agreed about a week later; i wasn’t at the place where i wanted to commit but i wasn’t ready for our time to be over.
he would ask me if i could show him more affection in public and around our friends and i agreed although i reiterated im not his girlfriend. he often asked if i had feelings for his friend of 7 yrs i said no but he felt that his friend had feelings for me.
at the start of august, we were all drinking one night at my apt (minus the guy i was seeing) and his friend ended up sleeping over which was not uncommon since we live pretty far from each other. it was 6 am and his friend came into my room and we were talking about life and romantic relationships etc. eventually he asked me if we could hook up. i said no but i let him sleep in my bed. we ended up cuddling but i pushed him away but still let him sleep next to me. i even kissed him on the cheek. maybe i liked the attention maybe i didn’t like how suffocated i felt in my then current romantic situation thing. i don’t know. i regret it everyday.
i ended up keeping this to myself for about a month until i finally told him. he confronted his friend about 3 weeks after i told him and then shortly after broke it off with me even though we were both developing strong feelings for each other. i tried to be as honest as possible painting my self in a very realistic light and i think i took accountability. we are no longer speaking and i blew up our friend group. i feel so guilty and shameful and i don’t know if this even constitutes as cheating.
how can i forgive myself for causing so much pain and inner turmoil in someone else? his biggest fear ended up becoming kind of true. i’m not a perfect person and i’ve caused a lot of pain to others in the past too. i thought i was growing but after this, i actually don’t know who i am or how ive become someone capable of doing something like this.

im a teenager who had been stugling for year it all strate when i was in 6b grade and yeah im still like that sometime getting better nd sometimes worst i quietted sh for 1 year even if sometimes i felll the urge too do it i just try to stop myself im also a really slow person when im with a lot of people and always act innetentioally dumb im ussually phisically drained even if i didnt do anything im also sometimes get mad about random things im hated and yeah i also hate everyone in my school i dobt care about them or that wath i used to say as i mwntioned earlier idk if i did or not heh but earlier at the beggining of this everything starting felling a bit lighter but yeah it all dessised to turn down i also easly get humiliated and get akwrd quieckly im not sensitive im not sure about thagt but sometime i cannot even cry i cannot even fell emphaty . i usually felll brain fogged and numb and im soo fcking slow

when im happy and try to have fun (im not making fun of anyone i woish everyine a better life) i fucking look like a dumbass an illiterate its genuinly disgust me i also cant consentrqate its so hard for me soo it takes sm time for me and i soemtime cannot even describe wathim i felling please i relly need tips and if your here to write hate comment or make fun of me please dont

So I , a 34 year old “young man” have just recently spent 10 days in a detox and am now on my 20th day alcohol free.
I started drinking heavily at around 18 after my mother’s suicide, and started trying to quit around 29-30. I’ve been to rehab twice and had a great experience, learned loads and stayed sober for 10 months before relapsing.

It hasn’t been a straight line, much like my mountain tattoos, my rehab, relapse, recovery process has been a naturally jagged line full of peaks and valleys.

I live in a relatively remote resort town in southern Alberta (no stores, no medical, just “hotels” ) which can be particularly challenging when you don’t have a car. I work in manny aspects of hospitality ; line cook, front desk agent, housekeeping etc with varying degrees of professional and/or financial satisfaction.

I am very proud of my self for my most recent sobriety. it hasn’t been easy and I know how hard it is going to be, But I am still youngish, and with a recently clear head, and the realization of my potential, I find myself having trouble figuring out who/what I am , who I want to be.

I’ve pretty much just been a “high functioning” alcoholic kitchen guy since high school, I honestly don’t know anything else.

I guess I am just looking for some advice, guidance, maybe I just needed to vent to some strangers .🤓

Either way, thanks for reading and please feel free to leave any thoughts, feelings, or advice .
I am just going to try to stay sober and stay positive.

I’m a guy in a 3-way friend group, my other male friend just said that he’s been dating her for about 3 months now. Something was telling me that they were dating but since we have been friends for 5 years and been through tons of stuff together I always just brushed these thoughts aside.

I am truly happy for them from the bottom of my heart, they are the closest friends I have and see them multiple times a week. I just can’t help but feel that it’s all going to be different from now on, boundaries WILL be set and there’s nothing I can do about it and they are completely within their right to do so, heck I myself will probably change slightly the way I deal with them.

I do not know how to process this. I barely have friends since I live in another country away from home and these guys are the only ones I hold close. I know I should find more friends and stuff but this time I spent with those guys it just does not seem right that it’s all going to be tossed to the wayside? Was it all just temporary.

There’s also a part of my that thinks that this is selfish but I really do not want to be that person at all, I took the reveal pretty well I would say and threw in jokes here and there and was genuinely happy for them. I just do not know how to process this.

I’m a 32-year-old physician who’s spent most of my 20s focused on my career and trying to serve others, often at the expense of taking care of myself. Over the years, my own health has suffered in the pursuit of caring for other people, and I’m starting to worry about the long-term consequences.

Working in medicine, I see firsthand how people’s health changes as they get older. Sometimes I look at the patients I care for who are 10–20 years older than me and worry that, in some respects, my own health is already worse than theirs. It’s a sobering feeling, especially when I know how much of it may be related to years of neglecting myself.

I know it’s ironic for a physician to be asking strangers for health advice, and I’m not naive about what I need to do. I know I should eat better, exercise, sleep more, address my health concerns, and quit unhealthy habits. Knowing what to do isn’t the problem.

The problem is that I’ve spent years building a life around work, stress, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m struggling to figure out how to change those patterns in a sustainable way instead of making temporary improvements and eventually falling back into old habits.

For those who’ve been in a similar situation, particularly anyone who made significant changes in their 30s or later, how did you actually do it? How do you replace unhealthy ways of coping with stress when they’ve become such an ingrained part of your daily routine? And how do you stop dwelling on the damage you might have already done and focus on what you can still change?

I’m not looking for a lecture about what I should be doing. I’m trying to understand how people actually translate that knowledge into lasting change when they’ve spent years putting work and the needs of others ahead of their own well-being.

Thanks

Good evening Family today was a good day finally.

Today I was able to get up and out of bed on the first try since my milestones hangover. I feel much better when I don't go back to sleep because I usually wake up depressed.

Today I started paying back attention to my dog it seems when I'm depressed she was always right under me and she doesn't leave my sight.

Since I been off my beat and path she has been waking me up faithfully ever morning trying to get me out of bed to start the day. This whole time I wasn't paying attention to what she was actually trying to do.

And that was her trying to get me to get outside and enjoy life. Because usually I would just let her out in the yard to do her doo. But she would always come right back when she was done. Then she would follow me through out the house.

So today I decided to do better and give her some quality time. I so didn't realize that she was trying to keep me out of my head.

I can see she is trying to keep me sober by pushing me to be active and hang out with her and enjoy the world instead of being couped up in the house trying to stay sober.

She is re-teaching me how to deal with being out and about again with out any temptations.

So with that said I'm going to lean and pay attention to my dog let her help me like she has been trying to do animals are so amazing none judgemental, forgiving, compassionate and the list could go on shoot better than some people I would add.

Well thats all I got right Goodnight One Day Forward One Day Behind -Shawn

At the beginning of this month, my long distance girlfriend told me, after months of conflict and pain, that I am emotionally manipulative at best, if not down right emotionally abusive. She called me out on times I used guilt tripping, defensiveness, emotional jabbing, dishonesty, and more when I’ve felt hurt or threatened.

It was a major wake up call for me. My entire sense of self has collapsed. I don’t recognize myself. I am extremely remorseful and want nothing more than to change, so I’ve owned up to and accepted the amount of hurt I’ve caused. I have made her feel insignificant, unworthy, and ashamed. She never deserved any of the ways that I’ve made her feel. The way I’ve treated her is completely unacceptable; I never, ever want to make someone feel the way I’ve made her feel again.
She has absolutely every reason to leave me.

But… she hasn’t left me. She is kind and gracious and open hearted, so she’s giving me a chance to change. I’ve done everything I can so far to start doing the work. I’ve told her (and myself), “She loves me enough to tell me a hard truth, I love her enough to do something about it.”
I’m in individual therapy and we started couple’s therapy. I am practicing new ways of handling difficult emotions while also implementing ways of communicating that are not defensive or hurtful. I’m working on my emotional regulation. It’s been extremely painful, but I am determined to do the work, for my own sake, and for hers.

I just got back from visiting her for the weekend. It didn’t go as well as I wanted, but it also wasn’t as bad as it could have been. We left on a good note though, and we managed to reconnect well and have fun. I’m incredibly grateful.

However, I don’t know what to do with the shame though. I don’t know how to handle the crippling, all consuming shame that I feel, almost to the point of suicidal ideation at times. Separating guilt and shame is important; I know it makes a big difference in making long term change, but no matter how hard I try, the shame lingers. I hate myself. I have been directly confronted with the worst parts of myself and while I am desperate to change, I am afraid of drowning in it.

I don’t want to waste the opportunity I’ve been given to grow. It’s okay for growth to be painful! But how do I ensure that the pain of rebuilding myself from the ground up doesn’t eat me alive? How can I start forgiving myself when I feel like I don’t deserve it?

Yeah that's pretty much it. Me and my bf were having a lots of issues and long story short, i ripped the bandage and honestly I am very numb. There are whirlpool of emotions right now and I really gotta lock in too as i have a lots of deadlines and exams coming up.

I keep on thinking I should beg him to return back so that I won't feel so shitty but yeah no I am a mess tbh

I have a joking personality and tend to make people laugh. Sometimes I’m very extroverted and talkative and other times I’m quiet and just want to be by myself. It depends on my mood, and I don’t always feel like joking around.

The problem is that when I’m not being my usual funny self and am just acting normal, people assume that I’m upset or that something is wrong with me. I feel like because they’re used to seeing me joke around, they expect me to be that way all the time.

I’m not upset in those moments. I’m just in a neutral or quiet state. But because people have mostly seen me as the funny one, the quiet version of me seems to read as a mood change.

Has anyone else experienced this?

How do you deal with it?

I’m 27 years old and have been gambling on and off for a good 4-5 years now. Lately it has gotten severely worse,

Lifetime I’m down $65K, $30K of which is from the last month. I make an okay income as an accountant, but not enough to cover $30K/month in losses. I had a good bit of retirement savings - $90K. I zeroed out my Roth IRA to pay for gambling losses, so now I only have $65K left, in my 401(k). My 401(k) doesn’t allow loans, which honestly, might be a blessing. Tax time is going to be a nightmare due to penalties and taxes on selling my Roth IRA gains.

I have no liquid funds available, no savings, no spare cash. & it’s all due to my choices. I feel so stupid.

After a $25K loss in one day on credit cards (included in the $30K) 5 days ago I started attending GA meetings at the request of my fiancée. I also had an appointment with a therapist on Saturday. I gave control of my finances to my fiancée. I want to do better - but I’m struggling.

The platform I lost $30K to began offering me bonuses. I truly thought I could control myself and utilize this as an opportunity to make a small bit of my money back. I did. I really did. I truly wholeheartedly did. I’m so stuck on this because I was confident in my ability to control myself. I convinced my fiancée too, so she would give me my cards back. I made back $2K running through the bonuses. But then the next morning (this morning) I gave back the $2K and $1K of my money on credit cards.

All things considered - I owe $1K on credit from this morning (I paid the rest from retirement), I’m screwed come tax time from selling retirement, and I have no savings.

While the finances are killing me it’s bigger than money. It’s damaging my relationship with my fiancée. It’s becoming her problem since she’s having to babysit me and my finances so I don’t do something stupid. And I know she’s so disappointed in me. It’s deserved - I won’t say otherwise - I’m to blame, but it’s heartbreaking. She hasn’t hinted at leaving me, but it’s a fear of mine. We’ve been together for 8 years, and I’m letting her down. It’s hard to look her in the eyes knowing what I’m doing to myself. She hasn’t given me a reason to believe this - but I feel like it’s making her become more distant from me, I fear I’m losing her.

I’ve requested to close my betting accounts (they aren’t replying - shocker), I’ve told the platform and my credit cards to close out all disputes I made (long story short - I cancelled a pending $10K withdrawal and then blew through it, got pissed that it was pending & it still allowed me to cancel it, and then disputed with the bank quoting misrepresentation of services since the advertise an “expedited withdrawal” - I think it’s predatory and evil, but I did it and am to blame), and have given control of my finances back to my fiancé.

So it’s day 1 for me, for the millionth time. I was on day 4 before last night. I’ve gone weeks and months in the past without betting, but this time is so much harder to break, I don’t know why, but I’m optimistic that I can do this. Today was merely an expensive lesson that I can’t have self control on gambling, no matter how much I may think I can in the moment.

One day at a time.

I’m constantly ruminating googling on the past msitejs I’ve made the absue I’ve been through and the ocd of doing something and or my past haunting me hwo can I use my time to imirve myself instead I have ptsd I’m on disability how can I Imrkve myself instead of wallowing

So, this is why I never choose to have guy friends. I am hopelessly in love with my friend, I have known him for a solid 4 months, and he has changed my life in a positive way, up until recently.

One night I indirectly confessed to him, in a way where I didnt say it but I believe it was quite obvious... he told me to give it time. that was a month ago, and when I asked him "hey, what about this?" He said he didnt know what i was talking about at the time...

Now yesterday he was talking about past relationships and how he would never get in one again... directly over text to me. I asked "do you know the way I feel about you?" And to that he replied that he knows I care for him. At that point, it all came spilling out. I confessed directly and he turned me down. Said he just doesn't feel the same way and sees me as a sister. Im absolutely heartbroken.

I fantasized about him being my first boyfriend, as I have never dated anyone before. Hell, I never even let myself catch feelings for anyone before. So, first crush and first heartbreak, but no first boyfriend.

What worse is I can't separate myself from him. We are very touchy, him giving me hugs and drawing on my hand sometimes... even all my friends thought he was into me. I seek him out because he makes me feel comfortable. Im even confiding in him about getting over my feelings.

He says nothing is changing between us and I can't help but think "yeah, nothing is changing for you, but I have to change everything." Im not in a good mental state right now and I can't think of anything else.

I have adopted a lot of his interests and everything reminds me of how I feel about him. I text him constantly, even now...

I value him a lot, even putting my romantic feelings aside. I want things to stay the same, but I can't decide whether I need to distance myself or not.

If you read, thank you. Advice is also much appreciated.

I can’t stop thinking about how I spent my twenties, constantly battling the thought: "If I had just had the courage to get out of my comfort zone and change things earlier, my twenties would have looked completely different."

I stayed way too long in a toxic friend group. I struggled with an alcohol and drug problem. On paper, it looked like I was living it up—going on vacations, hitting festivals, and going out all the time. But I wasn't making good memories. Most of them were just blackouts driven by pure escapism. Every sign in my body told me I needed to change, but I was to afraid to leave my comfort zone.

It makes me so deeply sad. I’ve never been in a relationship. My early twenties were swallowed by COVID, and after that, things just went downhill as I stayed tethered to toxic environments. Before all of that, my life felt great. My conscience keeps telling me to change, but the grief over lost time is agonizing.

Last year, I finally took the leap: I moved away and started therapy. At least I'm almost finished with my part-time college degree now, but still... the haunting stays.

People often romanticize partying too much in your youth, but when it’s pure escapism, it isn't even fun. It’s just running away. I carry so much regret because I didn't make meaningful memories, didn't date much, and let fear run the show. I kissed lots of people and slept with a few, but almost always while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I even blew real chances at getting a relationship because I kept self-sabotaging. It is extremely painful.

How do I cope with this? How do you forgive your past self for wasting years you can never get back?

It’s not that I was depressed or anything every single day. It’s just that I made way too few memories.

These thoughts suddenly resurfaced over the past few weeks. Before this, I wasn't really dwelling on it. Is it possible this is coming up now because I'm lacking certain things in the present?

Maybe things weren't even that bad back then—I did have good moments, after all. And these thoughts are suddenly hitting me because I'm afraid of missing out on things now, or because of my current situation. I honestly don't know anymore.

I’ll admit it: I’m bitter. I’m bitter about a lot of things. Losing my late teens and most of my twenties to poor physical and mental health, being ousted from the education field after only three years after spending nearly a decade trying to become a teacher, losing my car, friends and family deserting me when I needed support, losing out on employment opportunities due to my autism and anger issues, and seeing all my old classmates living the lives I thought I would have by now and fearing that I may never have it at all. I really don’t know how to deal with this. Anyone got some advice?