context me and my bf used to break up a lot we were arguing and both stressed he would break up then change his mind days to a week later every time it felt real it’s been a while and I genially thought we made progress everything has been great he told me I was the best girlfriend ever like days ago. Even bought me clothes at the mall. Then we were bickering on the phone he said I’ve been disorganized lately and I agreed but said I didn’t like how harshly he was coming at me he got really upset and just ended it. It’s especially odd because we had planned a Halloween party together for this Friday he was exited about. Now it’s all on me to figure it out. I called my sister upset and she told me to save my tears bc he always does this and I always think it’s “real this time” call me crazy but I don’t want to break up. Is it possible he just became upset and impulsive and will change his mind before the party? I was really exited to do this with him :(

I'm a 42-year-old lesbian, and I'm struggling to make sense of the end of a relationship that I genuinely believed would be my last.

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up twice. Both times, the relationship ended after a period of deep emotional intimacy and discussions about our future together. Both times, she seemed to withdraw from a relationship that, until then, had felt extraordinarily loving. What makes this particularly difficult is that she knew she had a history of doing this.

She told me about it herself. She acknowledged that she'd repeatedly fallen in love, become deeply attached, and then suddenly found herself losing feelings or withdrawing when the relationship became serious. She identified with fearful-avoidant attachment and recognized that she'd sabotaged previous relationships in much the same way. After our first breakup, when we reconciled, she promised me that she wasn't going to let it happen again. She told me she knew what she wanted, that she wanted me, and that she was certain she wouldn't repeat the same pattern.

I believed her. And I don't think I was unreasonable to believe her. I loved her, she loved me, and I thought that recognizing her own behavior meant she understood what needed to change.

We began planning a future together. We talked about marriage, about sharing a home, and about spending the rest of our lives with each other. We promised each other that neither of us would ever have to be lonely again. I ultimately uprooted my life and moved across the country to be with her.

Five days after I arrived, she ended our relationship. Again.

She told me she'd lost the romantic attraction she once felt. She was frightened and overwhelmed, and she no longer wanted the future we'd been planning. I was devastated. I had left my life behind because I believed we were building one together. Suddenly, I was trying to find somewhere to live and figure out what came next, while grieving the woman I'd expected to marry. And I still loved her. I still do.

After the breakup, we eventually resumed talking. Over the following weeks,, we exchanged hundreds of messages. We shared affectionate nicknames, watched shows together, talked about our days, comforted each other, and continued many of the familiar rituals of our relationship. It felt, in so many ways, as though we were still together. Except we weren't. She maintained that she didn't want to resume our romantic relationship.

Eventually, I had to acknowledge that this arrangement was hurting me terribly. I couldn't keep being emotionally available as though I were her girlfriend while knowing that she didn't want to build a future with me. So I told her I needed to stop communicating. I explained that I needed to protect myself and that I would be the one to initiate contact if and when I felt ready.

A little over a week later, she emailed me about something trivial, something she knew I was already aware of. It was an innocent-looking gesture, but receiving it brought back an enormous amount of grief, confusion, hope, and anxiety. I found myself right back where I'd been before, wondering what she wanted, whether she missed me, and whether she might be reconsidering. I eventually sent a brief thank-you, and afterward, I felt profoundly sad that communicating with someone I'd once planned to marry had become such a painful undertaking.

I've also noticed her appearing in Reddit discussions where I've been active, something she did during an earlier separation before eventually contacting me again. I can't know whether that's intentional, but the resemblance to our previous cycle is difficult to ignore.

And that's where I find myself now. I'm trying to understand what it means when someone is aware of a longstanding pattern of sabotaging intimate relationships, promises they won't repeat it, and then does.

I've spent an extraordinary amount of time reading about fearful-avoidant attachment, deactivation, and the push-pull dynamic that can occur when someone simultaneously desires and fears intimacy. Some of those explanations seem remarkably consistent with what I've experienced. But I've begun to recognize a distinction that I wish I'd understood much earlier: awareness of a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and promising not to repeat a pattern isn't the same as having a plan to address it.

When my ex told me she wasn't going to sabotage our relationship again, I never thought to ask what she intended to do differently. Was she working with a therapist on these issues? Had she developed ways to recognize when she was withdrawing? Did she have a plan for communicating her fears instead of abruptly ending the relationship? I didn't ask. I wish I had. But I also recognize that I was her girlfriend, not her therapist. I wasn't supposed to be responsible for managing the pattern she'd identified in herself. I believed the woman I loved when she told me she knew what she wanted, and I built my life around that promise.

I don't think she's a bad person. I don't believe she deliberately set out to hurt me, and I don't want to rewrite the tenderness we shared as something false or manipulative. She made me feel loved, beautiful, and safe in ways I'd never experienced before. That's part of why this has been so devastating. The person who made me feel safest in the world became someone whose name appearing in my inbox could send me into a panic.

I still remember the woman I loved. I still remember the promises. I can still picture our wedding with such clarity that sometimes it feels almost like a memory. And I can't understand how something that felt so real could fall apart in the same way she'd promised it wouldn't.

I'm not asking whether fearful-avoidant people are incapable of love. I don't believe that. I'm not interested in demonizing people with attachment difficulties, either. I understand that these patterns can involve genuine fear, distress, and conflicting emotions. But I am struggling with the question of responsibility. If someone knows they repeatedly hurt partners through the same behavior, what responsibility do they have to address that pattern before making serious promises to another person?

For those who've experienced this from either side, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing your perspectives. Have you ever had a partner acknowledge a history of self-sabotage, sincerely promise to change, and then repeat the same pattern? If you've been the person who withdraws, did you genuinely believe things would be different each time? What eventually helped you recognize the difference between wanting to change and actually changing?

If you've been on the receiving end, how did you stop blaming yourself for not recognizing the warning signs or asking the right questions? And how did you reconcile the loving person you knew with the person whose decisions hurt you so profoundly?

I don't expect anyone to predict what my ex will do next. I know that her contacting me again wouldn't necessarily mean she's prepared to repair the relationship. I've already learned that returning isn't the same thing as being ready to stay.

I suppose I'm trying to understand how to accept that someone could love me, promise me a future, genuinely believe in that promise, and still repeat the very behavior that destroyed it. Because I didn't need her to be perfect. I didn't need her to be fearless. I just needed her to be willing to face her fears with me, rather than repeatedly leaving me to deal with the consequences alone.

I wanted us to choose each other. And I don't know how to make peace with the fact that I couldn't make that choice for both of us.

We were together short term, she (F24) cheated with her ex, but our relationship was very formative for me (F25). I spent more time than I would have liked trying to heal from that. A whole year later, I finally got some semblance of closure from her just recently. She told me that she was conflicted at the time, but that she did love me. In the middle of all this, she admits to me that her current gf/recent ex had been cheating on her for months and she got her “karma”. They eventually broke up but the whole last month after she apologized to me has been a mess emotionally for me, just replaying the cheating in my head, feeling burdened with the feelings I still have for her, and feeling lonely and depressed. We had a long conversation recently where she told me that me waiting for her would be unfair to me, that one of the most painful parts of our relationship for her was that we were never friends and that it hurt to know I couldn’t be. That she loves me, but she has so much baggage and she is trying to make different choices than she did before. We agreed to just not talk, but I ruined that by texting the next day and obviously spiraling.

I am at a loss, and don’t know what to do. I feel like I keep contacting her and it’s really just because I’m crying out for some help or support. What do I do? I’m in desperate need of some advice.

Over the past week I finally confronted my ex about the way she treated me (4 weeks of ghosting whilst in long term relationship, immediate cold breakup). It’s been several months and a few events made me realise I needed to get my anger off my chest or I would have just slipped into thinking about it more and a more.

Anyways after sharing my rather angry thoughts, the conversation lead to her revealing the whole ‘it was all my fault’, ‘doing terrible but I’m going to therapy, ‘I’m an avoidant person’, ‘this was worst decision of my life’, ‘it had nothing to do with you’, ‘I know you wouldn’t but I want you back’ type beat. Went into detail about why and how it was because of their family situation etc and it all made sense. And it made me feel extremely sad for the situation and how miscommunication lead to this, yet I felt happy for them that they had finally figured out they needed some outside help, and I felt like it put something to rest in me.

But last night I had a dream and it’s made it all kind of come tumbling back, and now instead of anger I just feel sad again, about this whole unfortunate situation. Also I’m happy where my life is at now and wouldn’t change it, but I think I’m still subconsciously addicted to that awful push pull dynamic, and I need someone to tell me to snap out of it and stop ruminating lol. Now I know they have done work and wish they hadn’t made the decision and wished things were different it feels like we’re both circling this sad potential of what was. Help me snap out of this!!!

Broke up with my ex who I suspect is an avoidant 3 weeks ago because he was pulling back when communication already sucked but I was patient and tried to communicate and it just got worse at the 3
month mark. I texted him a couple of days after the break up asking him if we could talk becuase I did miss him and wanted to see if there was anything there and he never responded. But why is he secretly looking at all of my stories? When we broke up I asked him if he even liked me anymore and was telling him we probably shouldn’t be together he was mute and didnt reassure me or tell if wanted to try. Well he’s back on Hinge:(

My boyfriend (28) and I (29) broke up a couple of weeks ago and are in no contact. We didn’t set a time for how long we’re in no contact, but he said he’s not sure how much space and time he’ll need. We did a week of no contact, it was super hard, at the end of it we got a meal together and had a super big conversation that left us both emotionally drained, and then he texted the next morning that he needed space and wanted to go no contact. I told him I loved him and for him to take as much time as he needs. That was on Saturday and it’s Tuesday and it feels like it’s been a lifetime.

We love each other so much. So much. He’s codependent and very anxious, and our relationship became codependent. I’m working through mental health issues and he felt like he had to fix them. I was a drain on him, and he made me feel stifled and I felt like I was losing my freedom/ability to have my own full life outside of him, and subsequently he did too, even though he didn’t realize it at first. He threw everything into this relationship and not enough into himself.

I was the one that initiated the breakup—I discarded him. I was working in Alaska for 4 weeks at the time, and became nearly manic up there—drank tons of caffeine every day, barely slept, was surrounded by people and parties, and the sun was up 22/7. I felt like I hadn’t felt so free the entire time we’d been together and felt like “myself” (even though I was an extremely hyper version of myself, and a hyper independent version of myself, not my true self). I texted him and called a few times during that time but he felt abandoned, rightfully so. And I was emotionally distant because I knew I’d try to break up with him when I got home. And I made the decision impulsively, which I hate and have done tons of reflection on, and am determined to heal that part of myself. It blindsided him because we had just been lovey and great and then I switched on him pretty quickly.

I got home, told him I wanted to break up with him but wasn’t sure, then we talked about the ways that we want our relationship to change, both showed up with tons of humility and compassion, wrote each other letters, etc. We spent a week having these conversations and trying to keep things going, even though he was still shocked and hurt. I decided that our issues were something we could work on together based on the way that we were both communicating and taking accountability. But I think he was really hurt by the way this all went down, which I fully take the blame for and I am just so regretful and ashamed. So his codependency/anxiety + my distance and avoidance led him to not trust me anymore. He was destroyed. So he decided that we needed to break up and he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted us to get back together. I know he’s afraid that I would do it to him again. I would be too.

I know he loves me so much. He has been so torn up. I can see his Spotify activity (lol) and he’s listening to lots of sad songs like “I’m still in love with you but you’re hurting me,” “I still love you but I need a year,” “I love you but I don’t think I can do this anymore,” etc. He’s also writing a bunch of tremendously sad poetry. Super sad boi rn.

I’m utterly heartbroken, I love him so much and while I still think that we have so much work to do that would ultimately be best for us to do separately, I’m really worried that I’ve damaged his trust forever and he’ll never come back. I thought I was going to marry him and have kids with him. We were coming up on 10 months of dating, so it’s new, but on the very first date we both knew that each other was “the one,” it fit so perfectly. Neither of us had felt that way before. We both had lists of what we were looking for in potential partners and we matched each other’s lists perfectly. It was crazy. And throughout our relationship we had issues due to our anxieties but we communicated so well and were soooo kind and sweet and considerate of one another. It was the best relationship I’ve ever had and he said the same. He said I was the kindest, smartest, most considerate and supportive girlfriend he’d ever had. He’s my best friend. We loved spending time together and shared so many hobbies and had so many fun and interesting and sweet conversations. So tender and loving.

My relationship history is marked by breaking up with past boyfriends. I’ve had 4 boyfriends, all 1-3 year relationships. I broke up with all of them. No one was “good enough,” even though I generally had worse mental health/trauma issues than them which made our relationship difficult at times. It’s a pattern that I fell into, and I’m glad I broke up with all of the past partners, but this one is SO DIFFERENT and I’m so upset that my brain destroyed what we had.

His history is a pattern of dating girls who need “fixing” and desperately trying to fix them. Codependency and hero complex. And then completely draining himself and burning out in the process.

As you can see we both have a lot of stuff to work on and heal.

I’m working soooo hard on my shit, I just started a 10hr/week DBT therapy program on top of my regular therapy, getting a new psychiatrist to find the right meds for my conditions, reading tons of books, I’m in the gym, I’m starting new healthy self care routines, throwing myself back into my hobbies, and actually just landed an incredible new job which is more than doubling my salary.

As far as I can tell he’s doing the same. He’s continuing his therapy, he’s back into his hobbies at a more serious level, he’s back in the gym, and he’s spending more time with his friends. He truly took accountability for his codependency which was highlighted while I was gone and taking space. He wants to fix it because it’s been a pattern in his relationships. Him setting these boundaries and going no contact is really impressive to me, knowing him. It’s hot lol. I’m proud of him even though it’s so hard.

I’m oscillating between sobbing and listening to sad songs and listening to “that man is mine” type songs to try to manifest him back to me. I have truly never ever felt this way about someone before. I’ve never cried so hard and felt so intensely about a breakup. Ever.

To any couples that have broken up/dealt with avoidant discard and gotten back together—how long were you no contact, what needed to change in order for you to get back together, and what demonstrated that he/she was doing the work to actually fix their problems and made you want them back? Or anything related to getting back together.

I just need a sliver of hope that there’s still a chance for us. He’s my perfect mate. I will be destroyed if he doesn’t come back and I genuinely cannot imagine ever dating anyone ever again. If we get back together, I’m holding down that man for life. Pleeeeease give me some hope.

LOL motherfucker you are the avoidant here

Idk what to say. I thought he and I could have a somewhat civil conversation, but I ended up getting blocked in a video game after saying: "r we able to talk?" Idk what I was fucking thinking tbh. I should have not reached out. He literally has told me that whenever he sees my name popup on his screen -- it ruins his day. But, like how can you fucking tell someone that you used them after four years. He dumped me a couple days after birthday (he was soft ghosting me at first. he started the soft ghosting on my birthday). Before my birthday, we had gotten intimate for the first time, and started acting weird after that and then bam dumped. I'm sorry for ranting-- I just don't have anyone to talk to about this.

Maybe he isn't an avoidant and he just lost interest. I just know that I feel like absolute shit. I feel used and I just wanted to come to some sort of resolution, so we can fix whatever he thought was the problem.

So on the surface that might sound "nice" like he's wishing me good things and ending things on a good note. But mine said this at the end of his sudden, emotionless discard text (which had ZERO nice words about what we shared or what I had meant to him or anything nice about me or the relationship at all) and it just felt so empty like it came from a breakup robot LOL.

This was the only platitude I got and honestly for the level of connection he previously said he felt (he claimed he had never felt this way about anyone in his life and envisioned our future), it was a slap in the face to get this generic breakup line out of the blue.

Frankly, I've gotten job rejection emails that contained more warmth. It's sad.

(I know some of you have gotten some truly cruel words and my heart goes out to you)

I apologized for being so quiet I was suffering from depression, episodic flareup, and told him I had been isolating.

He said depression is a construct of the mind that was the last time we ever spoke again.

For those with fearful-avoidant attachment, what’s the appeal of walking away from a good connection for the novelty of someone new?

You’ve already built chemistry, trust, and familiarity with someone. Now you’re back at square one, learning somebody else’s favorite color and childhood trauma.

And for what? The same fear of vulnerability and abandonment, potentially with someone who’s an even worse match.

I’m genuinely curious what makes starting over feel more appealing than working through an established connection, especially when a long-term relationship is the goal.

N/C for months now. Everything about it is infuriating and I can't do shit about it 🫩

The discard was a genuine trauma for me. Soon after, I had a psychiatric episode (which I had never had previously) and was hospitalized. So I would never want that to happen to someone else.

I convinced him to start therapy after the breakup, but since then we have been mostly no contact. (Fully no contact for over 2 months now!) I didn't know he was an avoidant during the relationship, the breakup, or the months after. I only found out today after stumbling upon this subreddit and feeling incredibly seen and validated. I know it's not my responsibility, but I worry that he will jump back into a new relationship, and do the exact same thing to another unsuspecting soul. I want to check in and ask if he has learned that he is an avoidant yet, but I know I shouldn't break no contact. I also don't want him to know that I've still been thinking about him this whole time..

Have other people worried about this?

Not sure if it fits here, but she is a people-pleasing avoidant. She was/is undiagnosed, but everything fits to a T. She destructed after 6 years together; I worked 60 or more hours a week for 4 months. Unlimited overtime; my company doesn't have overtime, special case. She kept saying it was fine, pay down debt faster. Her undiagnosed; that is what I said. Found out she cheated; I was devastated. Never used, but our relationship was open with only one rule: no guys; inform the other before or shortly after, when convenient. Of course it was a guy, a co-worker, who lives down the street; she walks there. Realized something was off, a trauma, thought it was communication. I told her I accepted it as a learning lesson and we could fix it. Trying to discuss it, she was overwhelmed multiple times in a matter of minutes for a few evenings. Finally, figured out her people-pleasing avoidant; the blank face was the clue. In six years, I had never seen it.

I couldn't get her to stop. I know what is going to happen when her block comes down. She is making it worse. It was bad to start; we have a very loving and affectionate relationship, extremely so. She found me blacked out drunk, sobbing and screaming how much I love her and how much it hurt for hours on end, then passed out and did the same, wandering the house 7 hours later, then went back to bed to wake up sober 6 hours later. (I have never been anywhere near that drunk in my life. I couldn't get her to go to therapy; she kept sleeping with the Co-Worker. She recognized she has the disorder, but is stonewalling on therapy. I tried to shock her into therapy with an ultimatum: either me and therapy or having no car, savings, or home. She ran. Now she is, of course, telling everyone about what a horrible guy I am. How I neglected her when (working optional overtime; I had asked her if she wanted me at home), 2 week trip I could have avoided but would have cost more (it was fine), etc. She will be fine financially; it is going to make it rough for me, but manageable, I hope. As much as it hurts now, I am hoping she comes back; maybe next time I can get her the help she needs before she repeats. I just want to see her healthy.

After 7 weeks post blindside (4 year relationship). And after so much in those 7 weeks with cooked distance/ communication, long vulnerable emotional conversations. I finally let him come around to collect the rest of his things, as I was somewhat ready. I told him he could not bring anyone to help as it is my house - a firm boundary I made. He brought his brother, disrespecting my boundary. Then they collected every last thing and he didn't even let me know he was finished or said goodbye. He just left without me knowing.

Our last meeting a couple of weeks ago was a conversation for about 2.5 hrs which ended in us both devastatingly crying, hugging, etc etc. Which was a comforting last memory.

I have never been so destroyed and hurt by his final choices. Had he of respected the boundary and not brought his brother, then said goodbye, I would be okay. Of course he chose the most evil thing he could do. And i'll never know why. And now my final memories are ruined. I don't really don't know how someone I loved so much could do this to me.

I have been in a LDR for almost 3 years, and have worked through some avoidant pull backs, but got through them. This fight was different. He’d been venting and putting some heavy things on me for several weeks and it was a bit draining. I did come out and tell him but he wouldn’t really respond and eventually texted me a long message saying he was unhappy with my responses to him. I replied harshly, saying a lot of issues he has are self created. He spends all night gaming, then sleeping through his shift at work and performs poorly, then is worried about his yearly review. He has no money, yet spends like crazy. I told him that I love him, but it’s not fair to go all day without hearing from him because he’s sleeping, then he wants me to stay up later to spend time together. It’s unfair to put some heavy emotional family trauma things on my shoulders and not see that it can be overwhelming to me, especially when advice/support/empathy doesn’t seem to be what he’s looking for from me.

After the argument he went 10 days with no reply. I reached out and asked if the silence means an end to the relationship. He said no, that he loves me and agrees with some but not all. I offered a time to reach out and talk, he ended up having to reschedule. I gave two more dates and those dates came and went. I sent a message saying I wasn’t going to force this conversation to happen and that I was really wanting to listen. He read it, no reply.

Two weeks later I sent a message saying I really want to work through this and don’t want to lose him. He read it, no reply. Now another two weeks has passed and it’s starting to settle that this might really be it. But then I bargain, I’m angry, I’m sad.

I know him well enough to know he’s caught between avoiding and thinking and feeling. But will this really end in silence? He’s really just going to not say a word to me? He hasn’t blocked me anywhere but stream, he’s even still sharing his location with me. I noticed he wasn’t in his discord like usual so I’m sure he made a private channel. I’m just so confused by all of this but also I’m not. I know to continue my life and move on but some moments I think what the actual fuck, is he serious?

The one part of the avoidant break up cycle I really struggle with is once the pressure is off, they’ve initiated the break up and it’s over, they can turn around and act like just friends and that nothing happened.

I get the point is the relationship causes perceived pressure which avoidants register as a threat to their emotional wellbeing, and that makes them want to flee. But I find it so mind boggling that once they’ve had a little bit of distance between you and break up, they can pop up and banter with you like nothing happened. A normal break up would generally assert a firm boundary, no people pleasing, being polite but when it comes to bids for connection the boundary is reinforced, no coming back to test the waters, no listening to pleas etc.

It feels like their actions are so close to self-awareness that the relationship isn’t the problem, otherwise they wouldn’t seek out or entertain the connection, but they seem wholly incapable of accessing that perspective. And it doesn’t matter who initiated the contact, it seems like they can’t honor or enforce the boundary and the break up that they swear they want.

Anyway, off to try to not interpret why my avoidant dumped me a week ago because he didn’t see a future but now he’s sending me photos of his Halloween costume.

Ok so me and her have been together since November last year
In July we started having the push n pull . In July I was being toxic always blowing up her phone texting her from texting apps JUST IN THAT MONTH
I finally gave up and each time she would just tend lexits done leave then try to come back some how random things
This past month she messaged me out of no where saying she missed me but didn’t want it to further she said her bye

Then two days later she offers me friend ship I say no she gets mad blocks me . ( there was a point where she was telling me to block her after days of not speaking)

Then a few days later she says she does wanna be with me. We try for a few days but it just felt like friends I brought that up we go into argument and she ignores me blocks me on everything and next day she says we’re for sure done to take care . At that point I DID. Blow up her phone and it’s been a while since I’ve done that . Since September I’ve been respecting her space when she asks for it but she keeps coming back . Anyways a day and half later ( last night ) she sent me a text that said “ I have a reason not to talk to you again “ but she unsent it instantly I suppose she thinks I didn’t see it . And it’s crazy to think she made it seem the texting app thing was recent .

Then I guess at 4am she messaged my kids mom and this is how it went . WTF IS HER REASON FOR DOING THIS WHEN ITS BEEN A DAY AND A HALF !!!! I haven’t bugged her at all . If anything our last convo she had the last word . Took the L and just didn’t respond

We dated for 2.5 years and broke up in April due to constant cycle of push/pull. We decided to get back together around 4 months later but then broke it off again 3 months later due to ongoing cycle. She would pull away and I would push harder, and it got to the point where we’re both exhausted. I know we could work it out but I don’t know if it’ll happen. We’re no contact rn but we both acknowledged we still love each other. Is there any hope?

I think my ex is avoidant, but she could just not care. Idk.

We were falling for each other quickly, or at least the way we talked and treated each other would lead me to believe so. She (33f) moved too quickly, dreaming big at lightning speed. She introduced me (32m) to her coworkers, her friends, and her whole family. She met all of my family. Everything seemed too perfect, and I guess it was.

She called me a few days after I left after the weekend and told me it wasn’t going to work out and that she was done for good. We didn’t even talk about it. I asked her later and she gave me reasons, but they were all fixable, and she didn’t even want to work on the relationship, even though I didn’t realize anything was wrong. She just cut me out of her life, deleting every trace of me (pics of an ex from years ago are still on her page). And after a week or so, she blocked me, telling me never to contact her again.

A few days ago, she unblocked me on at least facebook and Snapchat, but she didn’t add me back. She has looked at my story a couple of times and even posted public stories, though she didn’t before. She hasn’t looked for a couple of days though.

I’m still so confused, because I don’t feel she was entirely honest with why she ended things. It has been nearly a month, and while I’m going on with my life, she is pretty much on my mind constantly. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I don’t know how you go from what we were to instantly flipping the switch. I would kill to be able to interact with her, though I realize what she did showed an absolute disregard for my emotions and it feels like everything was a mask, though I don’t understand how it could be with her introducing me to everyone.

She cried and told me she loved me before she hung up when she broke up with me over FaceTime (we live 2.5 hours away from each other). She was supposed to meet my friends for the first time that day.

I know I need to move on, so please don’t just leave me those comments. I’m just baffled and I know it is probably over with her telling me not to contact her again. What in the world happened? Will she ever come back? Why does she want to look and not speak?

I was listening to music a while ago and I accidentally heard “Patient Zero” by Taylor Swift. Now I’m not gonna go into details of what you think of her as an artist but that song is pretty much hitting me right now especially with all the other people who were involved with an avoidant.

Verse 2]
I bet he burst into your life like fireworks
I bet he even said "I love you" first
And when you saw another woman coming out of his place
I bet he kissed the rain off your face

This and this verse

[Bridge]
So let’s get into it
I know he charmed your family and friends
And you thought it’s 'cause he loves you
But it’s 'cause he loves how everybody else loves him (Uh-huh)
I know it seems like he shines so bright
But he's bathing in your reflected light
On a free solo social climb (Uh-huh)
Take it from somebody who lost his games but won the race

Coz that’s what an avoidant do to their victims.

Chills really

I (28M) was in a situationship with a fearful avoidant (26F) for a few months and when my anxious attachment kicked in she ended the relationship. When she would push me away I kept telling her I wanted to end the relationship because it was hurting so bad. I’d immediately take it back but this would trigger her abandonment issues, that pattern happened multiple times due to her behaviors like dancing on other guys at the club.

The problem is we have to see each other everyday at work. We work in the same room and will for the next 8 months. She’s already started a rebound with someone that works in the same building.

I have good and bad days but I’m a mix between being sad and also angry that she used me as an emotional support human. She literally told me that she was fighting with herself on just accepting me and that I was perfect. I’d been there for that woman when she was breaking down and crying and didn’t know what to do with herself. She threw me away like trash. I want to know what you recommend for how I should behave? I’ve just been avoiding eye contact and generally ignoring her. I’ve already blocked her on the app we used to message each other.

I am about to start going to therapy, not necessarily because I am sad about the situation but because I want to heal my anxious attachment style.

Soo uhh i thought I was over them(broke up 3months ago) but about a week ago some of my thoughts suddenly came back. Not ground breaking like after the breakup. But I don't know how to get over them if this keeps happening. I started thinking about them and how theyre doing daily again.

We were supposted to test being friends after a month of NC but when the time came she told me she doesn't want to because she wants to keep me safe.
But I kind of don't buy It since she told the same thing about protecting me when we broke up. I just think that was a shield and she had more alterior motives of her own.

Thats why I'd like to contact her and ask her about these things to know what was it really that led to us never talking again. Idk another way of getting through these questions.
I know I also secretly would like to hear them tell me it's not been easy for them either but I doubt that. It's just so bizarre how I'm still fucked up about the breakup when they have been over it for long time it seems. Maybe hearing them say they didn't hold it to the same value would make me move on.

Context: My DA had a “friend” that I grew increasingly uncomfortable with during the years we were together, however, I was always nice to her and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt / bond with her. The initial discard happened when the 3 of us ended up on a trip together and during that time she was horrible to me and absolutely contributed to the end.

Afterwards, my DA and I toyed with reconciling for a few months and were in regular contact. During that time I found out more about their relationship, and found something she had written him that was super inappropriate and also called me “toxic” (despite the fact that he had always maintained I was a great partner and did nothing wrong). I made it clear there was zero chance of us getting back together if she was still in his life and he showed me a screen shot of him texting her that they shouldn’t talk anymore, and where he addressed how she treated me and the fact that their relationship was weird and was them kind of being stand in validation / partners for each other. But never showed me her reply. Before he did it though he pulled an “I can’t do this relationship anymore” which he later took back and still did it. But that backslide after all the progress we made caused me to decide I would never feel safe in that relationship and tell him I didn’t want back together.

We agreed to remain friends, and were for a few weeks, until he blocked me on everything with zero chance for me to even respond. That was about 6 weeks ago.

I made a ghost account to see his IG because he has a public account and in his final discard he said “he’d unblock me at some point” and we still have paperwork that needs to be sorted out, so he really he does have to eventually. I want to know what he’s up to so that I know the truth and so that he can’t lie about what he’s been up to whenever I do hear from him again.

Anyway, he posted a story that I recognize as her place. Doing cutesy crafts together and watching a movie. I’m so fucking furious. And can imagine they’re talking about how “toxic” I am. Now I’m wondering if he ever really cut contact at all. Am wondering if they will start dating. He constantly maintained that they were just friends but he lied about so many other things that I have no idea what to believe anymore. The idea of which makes me so full of fucking rage that I have no idea what to do with myself. Especially considering she played a role in the break up (both times really).

TLDR: how do you deal with the rage of the block + hanging out with the person they told you “not to worry about”.

This is a high level question but do some fearful avoidants cut off family members and friends also to the point where they are like a ghost with no history?