Avoidant break up cycle: acting like nothing happened

[u/lilprol]

The one part of the avoidant break up cycle I really struggle with is once the pressure is off, they’ve initiated the break up and it’s over, they can turn around and act like just friends and that nothing happened.

I get the point is the relationship causes perceived pressure which avoidants register as a threat to their emotional wellbeing, and that makes them want to flee. But I find it so mind boggling that once they’ve had a little bit of distance between you and break up, they can pop up and banter with you like nothing happened. A normal break up would generally assert a firm boundary, no people pleasing, being polite but when it comes to bids for connection the boundary is reinforced, no coming back to test the waters, no listening to pleas etc.

It feels like their actions are so close to self-awareness that the relationship isn’t the problem, otherwise they wouldn’t seek out or entertain the connection, but they seem wholly incapable of accessing that perspective. And it doesn’t matter who initiated the contact, it seems like they can’t honor or enforce the boundary and the break up that they swear they want.

Anyway, off to try to not interpret why my avoidant dumped me a week ago because he didn’t see a future but now he’s sending me photos of his Halloween costume.

[u/antichristx]

Yeah it’s tough and I had the same issue. I don’t know how you’re handling it but it’s going to keep you chained to this person..

My ex came back a month later wanting to be friends like nothing happened. I kept asking for acknowledgment that his words hurt me, and instead of giving me that or reassurance of some kind, all I got was repetitive explanations of why I upset him with my snarky comments, but without any acknowledgment that my snarky comments arose because he refused to spend time with me. I didn’t understand how he didn’t see my perspective. I wanted to be his friend but I needed some acknowledgment and empathy first and without that I had too much resentment to be friendly. I recently had to block him because the confusion is too much.

[u/ceelion92]

Exactly right. OR they refuse to explain then block or remove you everywhere with no closure after a minor disagreement (usually their fault. Usually them defending some unhealthy boundary). I think this might be FA vs DA. 

[u/Wizardstuff17]

I lived with my ex after the discard for a bit. After a couple weeks she walked into my office and flirtatiously said " Heyyyy" .  I couldn't fucking believe it. I hadn't heard her talk to me like that in years. When we were close to completely moved out she would linger around expecting me to like spark up conversation. It was maddening.