How do you deal with the overwhelming desire to have sex, make love with your avoidant ex again, beyond the nostalgia and missing them emotionally?

I’m genuinely going crazy. It’s been six months, and I still want him every single day. He’s the only person I can think about when I want to feel sexually excited. I still fantasize about being intimate with him, and I wish I could experience it with him again so badly.

I know there’s probably an emotional component to it, but the physical desire itself is SO intense, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore.

And honestly, I keep wondering: How do they manage not to feel this too? How can they go so long without wanting that kind of intimacy again, especially when you’ve shared such a strong physical connection?

Does anyone else experience this? How do you cope with it? Because six months later, I feel like I’m losing my mind. 🥲

Chose this flair instead of vent/rant because I’m growing, and maybe others can see this and grow too.

Avoidants are humans. They aren’t monsters. Further, this isn’t WHO they are.

This is effectively a symptom. A coping mechanism. An engrained survival instinct. One most of them aren’t even aware of.

My DA split left officially beginning of October. You already know how it goes. Yes, she made illogical assertions about what’s wrong with the relationship, yes she blamed me, yes to all of those things they do. But, I also saw her fighting. It was so hard to watch. She was my fiance. I saw her railing against it as hard as she could, but she lost. I saw the war happening in her eyes. I watched her succumb and be destroyed, and now she is off on a self-destruction rampage in her own life.

What did I do after?

After she left, I took a DEEP look into how I may have contributed negatively to this relationship and triggered her. How she triggered me. When she started pulling away, I effectively went nuts. Why do I always react this way in relationships? I couldn’t understand it.

And then I did.

I was diagnosed with PTSD the week after she left. I am a fearful avoidant. I PUSH. I SQUEEZE. She RUNS she FREEZES she shuts down. I squeeze tighter, she runs harder.

I have flashbacks. Her shut downs are to her what my flashbacks are to me. The monsters that control us.

I have actually made incredible strides in healing. Her leaving was my rock bottom. I vowed to never live this way again. It has been rapid progress. Therapy every week, some EMDR, nonstop homework every single day for hours. I can feel drastic changes happening inside me.

What else did I do?

I researched her. I am positive she has PTSD as well. Certain. I have been going to great lengths. The same level of self-help reading and research I’ve been doing on myself, I’ve been doing on her equally.

She’s a person. She’s not a liar, not a villain, she’s a human with a horrid past of abuse, with issues manifesting this way.

We have the same problem and it manifests in opposites.

Yes it hurts. Yes it makes no sense. Yes I could push her out of my mind and move on.

Honestly? I’m fighting against it.

We were supposed to be married this summer. I proposed to her for a reason. We were connected. If I had the time, I’d share how we met. Believe me when I say there is something otherworldly that brought us together.

That woman was supposed to be my wife. It may never work out. She may never reach back out. The gap between us may never be bridged. I don’t know. And I know, yes I know, it will crush me if it never works out.

I am prepared. I love that woman. I am going to these great lengths to learn about her, learn what to give her to walk the line while she heals IF she ever comes back. I am devoted in the strongest sense to becoming a force to be fucking reckon with to weather this journey.

Why? Because somehow through our problems, we managed to show each other true love. Because the circumstances that led us to each other are so fucking unnatural. Because despite these issues we have, we managed to have a beautiful relationship before this. Because the only reasons we broke up were all bullshit fears baked into us from horrendous trauma. I knew her heart, and she knows mine.

Reflecting, I could see how scared she was every step of the way. Yet somehow, she was able to fight and keep it at bay up to the end. And the same goes for me and my issues.

There was something different about us. There still is. It is unnatural. There is a force outside of us that slammed us together in the most unusual way, taking the most unusual roads that somehow led us together.

You can disagree. You can hate me in the comments. You can pity me. You can tell me to move on, screw her leave her behind.

Or, you can read this post and grow.

I love her. And someday, her feelings will turn back on, and she will remember she loves me.

When that day comes, I will be ready and we will make it to our happy ending.

Thanks for listening.

We have been texting for almost 3 months and had 2 long dates, then he just disappeared and when I casually checked in, he said he realized he prefers to remain single. It felt like a typical avoidant “it’s not you, it’s me” disacrd. I accepted it and closed the chapter.

But I’m wondering do they ever come back after discard in early dating phase?

My boyfriend (28) and I (29) broke up a couple of weeks ago and are in no contact. We didn’t set a time for how long we’re in no contact, but he said he’s not sure how much space and time he’ll need. We did a week of no contact, it was super hard, at the end of it we got a meal together and had a super big conversation that left us both emotionally drained, and then he texted the next morning that he needed space and wanted to go no contact. I told him I loved him and for him to take as much time as he needs. That was on Saturday and it’s Tuesday and it feels like it’s been a lifetime.

We love each other so much. So much. He’s codependent and very anxious, and our relationship became codependent. I’m working through mental health issues and he felt like he had to fix them. I was a drain on him, and he made me feel stifled and I felt like I was losing my freedom/ability to have my own full life outside of him, and subsequently he did too, even though he didn’t realize it at first. He threw everything into this relationship and not enough into himself.

I was the one that initiated the breakup—I discarded him. I was working in Alaska for 4 weeks at the time, and became nearly manic up there—drank tons of caffeine every day, barely slept, was surrounded by people and parties, and the sun was up 22/7. I felt like I hadn’t felt so free the entire time we’d been together and felt like “myself” (even though I was an extremely hyper version of myself, and a hyper independent version of myself, not my true self). I texted him and called a few times during that time but he felt abandoned, rightfully so. And I was emotionally distant because I knew I’d try to break up with him when I got home. And I made the decision impulsively, which I hate and have done tons of reflection on, and am determined to heal that part of myself. It blindsided him because we had just been lovey and great and then I switched on him pretty quickly.

I got home, told him I wanted to break up with him but wasn’t sure, then we talked about the ways that we want our relationship to change, both showed up with tons of humility and compassion, wrote each other letters, etc. We spent a week having these conversations and trying to keep things going, even though he was still shocked and hurt. I decided that our issues were something we could work on together based on the way that we were both communicating and taking accountability. But I think he was really hurt by the way this all went down, which I fully take the blame for and I am just so regretful and ashamed. So his codependency/anxiety + my distance and avoidance led him to not trust me anymore. He was destroyed. So he decided that we needed to break up and he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted us to get back together. I know he’s afraid that I would do it to him again. I would be too.

I know he loves me so much. He has been so torn up. I can see his Spotify activity (lol) and he’s listening to lots of sad songs like “I’m still in love with you but you’re hurting me,” “I still love you but I need a year,” “I love you but I don’t think I can do this anymore,” etc. He’s also writing a bunch of tremendously sad poetry. Super sad boi rn.

I’m utterly heartbroken, I love him so much and while I still think that we have so much work to do that would ultimately be best for us to do separately, I’m really worried that I’ve damaged his trust forever and he’ll never come back. I thought I was going to marry him and have kids with him. We were coming up on 10 months of dating, so it’s new, but on the very first date we both knew that each other was “the one,” it fit so perfectly. Neither of us had felt that way before. We both had lists of what we were looking for in potential partners and we matched each other’s lists perfectly. It was crazy. And throughout our relationship we had issues due to our anxieties but we communicated so well and were soooo kind and sweet and considerate of one another. It was the best relationship I’ve ever had and he said the same. He said I was the kindest, smartest, most considerate and supportive girlfriend he’d ever had. He’s my best friend. We loved spending time together and shared so many hobbies and had so many fun and interesting and sweet conversations. So tender and loving.

My relationship history is marked by breaking up with past boyfriends. I’ve had 4 boyfriends, all 1-3 year relationships. I broke up with all of them. No one was “good enough,” even though I generally had worse mental health/trauma issues than them which made our relationship difficult at times. It’s a pattern that I fell into, and I’m glad I broke up with all of the past partners, but this one is SO DIFFERENT and I’m so upset that my brain destroyed what we had.

His history is a pattern of dating girls who need “fixing” and desperately trying to fix them. Codependency and hero complex. And then completely draining himself and burning out in the process.

As you can see we both have a lot of stuff to work on and heal.

I’m working soooo hard on my shit, I just started a 10hr/week DBT therapy program on top of my regular therapy, getting a new psychiatrist to find the right meds for my conditions, reading tons of books, I’m in the gym, I’m starting new healthy self care routines, throwing myself back into my hobbies, and actually just landed an incredible new job which is more than doubling my salary.

As far as I can tell he’s doing the same. He’s continuing his therapy, he’s back into his hobbies at a more serious level, he’s back in the gym, and he’s spending more time with his friends. He truly took accountability for his codependency which was highlighted while I was gone and taking space. He wants to fix it because it’s been a pattern in his relationships. Him setting these boundaries and going no contact is really impressive to me, knowing him. It’s hot lol. I’m proud of him even though it’s so hard.

I’m oscillating between sobbing and listening to sad songs and listening to “that man is mine” type songs to try to manifest him back to me. I have truly never ever felt this way about someone before. I’ve never cried so hard and felt so intensely about a breakup. Ever.

To any couples that have broken up/dealt with avoidant discard and gotten back together—how long were you no contact, what needed to change in order for you to get back together, and what demonstrated that he/she was doing the work to actually fix their problems and made you want them back? Or anything related to getting back together.

I just need a sliver of hope that there’s still a chance for us. He’s my perfect mate. I will be destroyed if he doesn’t come back and I genuinely cannot imagine ever dating anyone ever again. If we get back together, I’m holding down that man for life. Pleeeeease give me some hope.

Do they get annoyed, do they think I'm stupid because I sent them? Or does this make them feel nostalgic and remember the good things?

context me and my bf used to break up a lot we were arguing and both stressed he would break up then change his mind days to a week later every time it felt real it’s been a while and I genially thought we made progress everything has been great he told me I was the best girlfriend ever like days ago. Even bought me clothes at the mall. Then we were bickering on the phone he said I’ve been disorganized lately and I agreed but said I didn’t like how harshly he was coming at me he got really upset and just ended it. It’s especially odd because we had planned a Halloween party together for this Friday he was exited about. Now it’s all on me to figure it out. I called my sister upset and she told me to save my tears bc he always does this and I always think it’s “real this time” call me crazy but I don’t want to break up. Is it possible he just became upset and impulsive and will change his mind before the party? I was really exited to do this with him :(

The reason I ask is because I feel like my fearful avoidant ex still occasionally checks in on my page but I have since grown immensely since the last time I've talked to her. I went from 6k likes to 235k likes in the span of 2 months and gained nearly 2k followers from 600 in that span as well. Her page sits at very low followers not even at 75, just reached 1k likes and her posts struggle to even pull in 10 likes most reaching 3-5 likes a post. The reason why I'm comparing is because during the relationship I felt like she was mirroring me in certain ways but she always did it when we were on bad terms and when I would confront her she would deny it. There was also jealousy in the relationship from both of us but mostly her. I also feel like there were hints of envy from her

My Avoidant broke up with me in September because of feelings being uncertain not being healed not being able to give me the love I deserve back. After a week we reconciled and realized how much we missed eachother. She was even looking at what I was doing while we werent together. We didn’t necessarily get back together but basically she told me she couldnt be there romantically..but we went right back to acting like a couple even though we werent together we had many talks about this. She started being more affectionate, communicating better, opening up and I thought things were going well. FF to now we had a great weekend spent quality time together played a game that made us closer… she avoided me for 2 days before telling me she was unhappy been feeling uncertain from the start and that she doesnt have feelings for me anymore. that she only sees me as a friend. That I have been the perfect person, Im everything she wanted and prayed for but that she wasnt ready for. That shes only ever been with toxic people and Ive shown her that true love exists. That shes not healed and cant give me what I want or the love that I give and that even if things were different and she was healed that she would feel the same way. But that she still loves me and cares about me.. Is this true? Can she really just turn her feelings off for me like that? Was any of it real? Why the sudden change of heart? What about all of the intimate moments we shared it was all fake?

I need help understanding what is going on because like I had been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. We had a crush on each other for a few months, but neither of us spoke anything until we did. And since then things were going well. He knew that I had exited a very difficult relationship not so long ago and I told him I just needed a little bit of time and patience because the ex partner was not okay and I am navigating dating and trust again and it seemed like he understood and lines of communication were open. We were meeting up multiple times a week and we're having 6-hour chats about the universe and each other and there's physical intimacy and moments of connection and warmth and cooking and dates and affection and laughter. And then last weekend which we spent more or less all of it together, he brings up dating exclusively which I say I've been also thinking for us to align on this, we are in bed, I see him the next day, we have a great time. 2.5 hours later at midnight on Sunday he sends me a 7-minute voice note saying that he would like to end our relationship and go back to being acquaintances, knowing I had a big work deadline the next day. But also, the voicenote was so corporate sounding, it was devoid of any affection and he said things like I have garnered a holistic view of your attitude on relationships and concluded that the best course of action is to remove romance. The entire thing made me feel like he had been observing me like an anthropological subject the entire time, making notes, and counting who paid for what and how many times xyz, when I was just like living in the dynamic and getting to know him and actually investing more because I liked him and trusted him more every time I saw him. So my body has not caught up, how can someone go from holding you and whispering sweet nothings and then in 2.5 hours, detach, say he switched off his feelings and made his decision. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and scrub this entire experience off me. I feel like a software contract that got terminated.

How did you navigate the aftermath? And like what even happened.

I'm 30M, and I met a 35F met at function in November 2025. We stayed in daily contact for around seven months, and over time I became deeply attached to her. Any advice from a relevant girl?

She lived in another country and actually encouraged me to visit her. When my visa came through, however, she suddenly became quiet. During that period, she told me she was married. I was shocked and initially went silent, but eventually we started talking again.

We continued communicating, and she opened up to me about many things. Despite knowing she was married, we became emotionally close, and we planned to meet in person in June 2026.

About a month before the meeting, she told me she was pregnant. I had doubts about what she was telling me, although I cannot know for certain. Around the same time, she said she didn't want to continue our connection anymore. I suggested cancelling the trip, but after going quiet for a while, she came back and said we should still meet.

I travelled to her country, spending a significant amount of money because I genuinely wanted to meet her.

But when we finally met, she seemed like a completely different person from the woman I had spoken to every day for months.

Her words and behaviour were cold and sometimes rude. I felt as though she wasn't happy to see me, but I couldn't understand why. I didn't argue or confront her because I cared about her and didn't want to make the situation worse.

We spent two nights together. On the first night, we became physically close and started foreplay, but she suddenly stopped and we didn't continue. I respected that and didn't pressure her.

While leaving, she again told me to marry someone else and made it clear she didn't want to continue our connection.

I returned to my country. We continued talking for approximately another month, but eventually she became pregnant in reality, as far as I understand, possibly with her husband's child. After that, she disconnected from me almost completely.

It's now been around two months without contact. I haven't messaged or disturbed her during this time, and she hasn't reached out to me either.

What hurts me most is how someone who spoke to me every day for seven months, shared personal things with me and made me feel important could eventually treat me like a stranger.

I keep asking myself what changed when we met in person.

Was she never genuinely attracted to me? Did the reality of meeting make her reconsider? Was she feeling guilty about her marriage? Was she conflicted about her own situation? I know I cannot read her mind, but I keep searching for an explanation.

A little about me: I'm 30M and a virgin, so I don't have much sexual experience. I'm a dedicated gym-goer and take care of my physique, but I'm inexperienced when it comes to relationships and intimacy.

I was willing to continue talking to her on whatever terms she was comfortable with. I agreed when she wanted distance, suggested cancelling the meeting when she seemed uncertain, and tried not to upset her. Looking back, I realise I may have put her needs ahead of my own because I was afraid of losing her.

I also spent a considerable amount of money travelling to meet her, which makes the experience even harder to process.

My questions are:

- What are the realistic reasons someone might act loving and emotionally close for months but become cold after meeting in person?

- Could she have genuinely cared about me but decided she couldn't continue because she was married?

- Is it possible that our in-person chemistry was different from our emotional connection online?

- Why would someone encourage a meeting and then repeatedly say they don't want to continue?

- Do you think she ever misses me, or is it possible she has moved on completely?

- How do I stop replaying the meeting and wondering what I did wrong?

- How can I avoid becoming so emotionally invested in someone before knowing whether they genuinely want a relationship with me?

I'm not asking anyone to convince me that she will come back. A part of me still misses her and wishes things had turned out differently, but I also want to understand the situation realistically.

TL;DR: I'm 30M and had a seven-month, long-distance emotional connection with a 35F who was married. She encouraged me to visit her country, but when we met in June 2026, she was cold and distant, stopped our physical intimacy midway, and told me to marry someone else. We spoke briefly afterward, but she eventually stopped contacting me. It's been two months without contact, and I still miss her and wonder what changed. How do I understand this and move forward? Girls preferred

The discard was a genuine trauma for me. Soon after, I had a psychiatric episode (which I had never had previously) and was hospitalized. So I would never want that to happen to someone else.

I convinced him to start therapy after the breakup, but since then we have been mostly no contact. (Fully no contact for over 2 months now!) I didn't know he was an avoidant during the relationship, the breakup, or the months after. I only found out today after stumbling upon this subreddit and feeling incredibly seen and validated. I know it's not my responsibility, but I worry that he will jump back into a new relationship, and do the exact same thing to another unsuspecting soul. I want to check in and ask if he has learned that he is an avoidant yet, but I know I shouldn't break no contact. I also don't want him to know that I've still been thinking about him this whole time..

Have other people worried about this?

Bring him back, i can't live without you, im sorry i deactivated, please come back, I want to wish you, please comeback my love. Please come back. I will listen to everything you say just come back. Claude im sorry just please comeback.

I was listening to music a while ago and I accidentally heard “Patient Zero” by Taylor Swift. Now I’m not gonna go into details of what you think of her as an artist but that song is pretty much hitting me right now especially with all the other people who were involved with an avoidant.

Verse 2]
I bet he burst into your life like fireworks
I bet he even said "I love you" first
And when you saw another woman coming out of his place
I bet he kissed the rain off your face

This and this verse

[Bridge]
So let’s get into it
I know he charmed your family and friends
And you thought it’s 'cause he loves you
But it’s 'cause he loves how everybody else loves him (Uh-huh)
I know it seems like he shines so bright
But he's bathing in your reflected light
On a free solo social climb (Uh-huh)
Take it from somebody who lost his games but won the race

Coz that’s what an avoidant do to their victims.

Chills really

I sometimes still wonder if I got it wrong and I was actually the problem and misunderstood him when he was trying to communicate healthily to me. He got married the following year to his friend, he had told me when we were dating that she was only a friend and he didn’t see her like that but I felt rlly unsettled about it because he knew that she saw him romantically. They’re still married and things look like they’re going well? She seems emotionally mature! Perhaps he was an actually emotionally mature stoic and I was too anxious, demanding and possessive? Maybe I really was the problem all along.

Whats the difference also is a relationship with them even worth it when its so toxic and they take joy in your pain?.

LOL motherfucker you are the avoidant here

For those with fearful-avoidant attachment, what’s the appeal of walking away from a good connection for the novelty of someone new?

You’ve already built chemistry, trust, and familiarity with someone. Now you’re back at square one, learning somebody else’s favorite color and childhood trauma.

And for what? The same fear of vulnerability and abandonment, potentially with someone who’s an even worse match.

I’m genuinely curious what makes starting over feel more appealing than working through an established connection, especially when a long-term relationship is the goal.

I am depressed

Okay so this is a rogue idea. Since Avoidant’s become irritated by contact or compliments after deactivation, would they continue to be frustrated if we contacted them continuously over time, since some - for some incredible reason - can’t seem to fully block us, so with compliments about them over time. So they keep living with the outward frustration that the person they once loved they now hate but can’t find ways to hate the person cause they are just nice. And they end up unable to forget us even though they choose to not block us fully. Just a thought 😹

i'm a curious neurodivergent and i'm wondering what hurts a dismissive avoidant the most (not talking about FA's). like something that's textbook true for all DA or is every DA different.

Just curious!

The first two was from the first breakup. The second one was from the second breakup. She now tells me she has no feelings for me. These were one month apart..is this a discard?

Short back story.. we dated 8 years ago for a short period and I broke things off because I didn’t feel confident in him. He was devastated or appeared to be but I think it’s because it was in the beginning phases when they really love you.
Fast-forward to now… I’ve been going back and forth with my avoidant partner since April of this year. We reconnected and decided to give things another try, but it’s been an exhausting cycle of hot and cold ever since.
One minute, I’m the love of his life. He talks about marrying me, having children with me, and building a future together. The next, he tells me something feels off between us and that things don’t feel right. We continue talking, and sometimes he tells me he wants to try again, only to go back on his word shortly afterward.
This month, he left for deployment and ghosted me for four days. He didn’t even tell me what day he was leaving. I only found out he was going when I saw his Snapchat story showing his bags packed.
That was the final straw for me. I felt like I was constantly being left guessing about where I stood in his life, so I deleted him off everything.
The very next day, he texted me, “Back on your bullshit?” He also tried adding me back on Facebook. The following day, he sent me two more text messages. I didn’t respond to any of them.
A week and two days went by, and I eventually caved. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I checked his social media and saw that he had been adding other women. Seeing that really hurt, and I ended up reaching out to him.
I simply told him that I cared about him and that I missed him.
His text was: “I’m not a malicious man, but I don’t want that from you. Not now.”
I’m honestly heartbroken.. he’s never actually rejected me and I could tell before he left something felt different.
I don’t even know exactly what I’m asking from this post. Maybe I’m looking for reassurance that he isn’t really done, or maybe I need someone to help me accept that I have to let go.
For anyone who has been in a similar situation with an avoidant partner, how did you handle it? Do you think “not now” leaves the door open, or am I holding on to something that I need to let go of? I would really appreciate honest advice, even if it’s not what I want to hear.