I am married with three girls. I work a professional job and my husband and I are financially secure. We live a pretty cookie cutter life. Every area of my life is simple and predictable , I don’t deviate from what society would say is normal. These experiences don’t show up anywhere else in my life which is why I have come to the conclusion that I’m not experiencing a psychiatric illness or episode.

It started in December of 2023, I was on 12 hour road trip back home from Christmas break. I had run out of podcasts and my brother had a book on audible I hadn’t listened to, so I started it. It was the 4 agreements by Miguel Ruiz. It was a short book but it struck something in me.
I started to question life. I became more open to secular beliefs.

At the time, our family had relocated and it was the first time I was going to stay home. The kids new school schedules were not conducive with working full time. In my newly found free time I started reading, something I’ve always enjoyed but never made the time for. I had a book a friend had given me years ago but I had never read it, as it wasn’t the type of book I read. It was just The Silva method of mind control. Really it was a guide to mediation and with my ADHD , it was something I had never tried. Uniterrupted time was something I had plenty of so, I practiced mediation. Every day I made time, within weeks I could drop into a deep meditative state within minutes. My mind was clearer , I was in full control of my emotions and It felt as if someone had sharpen my mind like a blade. I didn’t have to think before answering questions , the answers just came and I was able to verbalize them with precision. I enjoyed my mediation time so much that I had started mediating for two hours a day.

A short time after bringing this routine is when the dreams started. Now I have always dreamt , every night and I almost always remember them. They were never significant , dreams like everyone else but these were not that. I started dreaming in what I can only describe as 6 dimensional. It was more real than I sit here typing this. They made waking up in everyday life feel like I was living life through a sketch book. The dreams were vivid in color and everything had energy, there was never words exchanged verbally , it was all telepathic but with feelings behind the messages: there was no room to misinterpret , I even felt what I was thinking in the dreams but with the knowledge of why I was feeling that. Every night I went beautiful places, I swam under water with new ocean creatures I had never seen before, I flew over what looked like old Roman buildings but they were grand libraries. My deceased mother visited me in one but she was a hummingbird , flying at a standstill right infront of my face , carrying conversation with me. I loved going to sleep.

Then I was given the opportunity to go back to work full time. I had become bored at home and I desperately wanted human interaction so I jumped at the chance. Time no longer permitted me to mediate for 2 hours a day but I made time here and there. The dreams did not stop but they became sporadic. At work I had heard a co-worker talking about her crazy ( her words ) mother in law who thought she could speak to her spirit guides. She explained that her mother in law spoke to her spirit guides in her dreams. I was intrigued , so before bed that night I prayed my usual prayers and I asked that if I had a spirit guide, they would reach out to me. That night I had one my 6D dreams. There was an Indian man who was showing me a phone. When I looked down at the screen it was a message that I had blocked him from contact. He then was showing me an image of him putting mail in my mailbox but someone was then removing it. He told me he had to go to work and walked into an office where I followed. I looked around and he asked me his name , I told him I did not know his name and he told me I needed to call him by his name. Then poof … he disappeared and I awoke. I’m not going to go into my interpretation of these dreams as I have no idea if I’m correct or even if it matters. I knew the following day I wanted to know his name though. So the next night , I said my prayers and I simple asked him to tell me his name. Another 6D dream came, this time I was walking down a dirt road and trailing behind me were three dogs. They were protective , I could feel that. I turned back and looked at one of them when the it’s collar caught a ray of sun and gleaned “ OLLIE”. From this point on I called my spirit guide Ollie.

I did not dream of him again after this , even after prayers asking to. Life got busy and I pretty much stopped mediating all together. The dreams became scarce. A year later I had dreamt I was at a funeral and my husbands family was there but my husband was not , I could see the casket but not who was in it. I woke up concerned that maybe it was my husbands funeral. A couple days later we recieved a call from my sister-in-law, her husbands cancer had become aggressively terminal, they gave him weeks. We packed up our lives and we moved back home. My brother in law passed away in the winter months , my husband who had to finish a contract back where we lived was flying back and forth , leaving myself and the girls to live with his sister on a farm in the Midwest. My husband was there when he passed away but the ground was too frozen to bury him, my husband had to fly back and he missed the funeral. There I was , just like the dream. I also found myself jobless again. I was living with his widowed sister whom I really did not know well and I was besides my children, alone. I took care of the animals and tried to help her through this time, but I hated it. That sounds so selfish but I hated the Midwest , the cold , being a single mom , taking care of farm animals, I just wanted my old life back. I started mediating again. It helped me cope.

Then one day as I was mediating, something happened. An image , but a 6D image , again more real than this life. It projected from the space between my eyes right infront of my face. It projected out with a golden hue. It rotated 160 degrees and then 160 degrees the other way , so I never saw the back of it , if that makes sense. I am going to describe it but I don’t know what it was so I apologize if it makes no sense. It was most definitely copper , at least in color but it appeared to be copper metal. It looked like some sort of machine but there were not buttons or gears , just like smooth metal. It was the shape almost of cabinets? If you put one tall set of cabinets next to a shorts longer set. Like this —I but it had some kind of valve .. or tap. I was startled and that brought me out of my meditative state. I tried to meditate on it again and again but I never saw it after that.

Life got really bad , things were terrible. Details of it won’t make a difference in the story but I was in the low of my lows. I started to dream of things again and this time , those things started happening. Not exactly how I dreamt them but they were definitely happening. Just a few example , I dreamt my aunt had come to me and asked me to take her to a friends house, I drove her to a house on a hill with the lights on. A beautiful smiling woman came out to greet her. I could hear them laughing inside. I walked back up and told my aunt that it was getting dark and we needed to go , she smiled and said she was staying and I could leave. She passed away that week. I then dreamt of having dinner with an old friend and his wife and my husband. My husband and his wife had gotten into a heated argument about money and we all left upset. I woke up from that dream with a text from the previous night , my old friend reaching out for my husband number. He later asked him to join a business he was starting, we declined.

Strange things were happening , too many to name. In the midst of a crying session I’d recieve a text from an unknown number telling me everything was going to be okay. While in mediation I would feel this vibration, like I was on the inside of a gigantic bell that someone had just rang. My entire body , every cell would vibrate. Then one night, I started to think about my first dream of Ollie. Was I blocking him from messaging me? I gave permission. That night I said out loud that I gave permission for Ollie to reach out. I awoke around 3am to a voice , not male or female . An echoing announcing voice saying “ HELLO” the entire room filled with the smell of tumeric , ginger … Indian spices? I was sitting up , groggy , scanning the room , I saw nobody but I know what I heard . It woke me up. Maybe my sister in law was cooking I thought but then realized it’s the middle of the night and my sister in law has never cooked , certainly not Indian food in the middle of the night. I was frightened but then a wave of calm and Tranquility came over me and I laid back down and went to sleep. That’s the last time I heard or saw Ollie. So much has happened since then but nothing remarkable , until last night. Which is what has led me to tell a world of strangers the mental box of strange I’ve been keeping for the last four years.
I have questioned the Bible… not god but I like to read and I know much has been lost in translation as well as intentionally manipulated, last night I asked god in my prayers if I’m living the right way and if this god consciousness that I believe in is some sort of new age evil. I was asking if I should folllow the Bible to its word today or accept my own beliefs that I love god and Jesus and maybe the written word has been rewritten by men with something to gain. As soon as I fell asleep I began dreaming. I was walking up to my home , there was an exposed top water slide curving around like a lazy river into my pool. A neighbor has come over , I had never seen this boy before but I knew he was a neighbor. He brought his dog , his best friend. My dog had gotten loose and ran toward the neighbors dog , the two dogs were fighting , they had made their way into the water by this point , I yelled for my husband who walked over calmly but did not break them up. My neighbors dog because so Angry , it has turned on the boy , repeatedly biting his face. LUKE LUKE I screamed. But luke grabbed the dog by the neck and hugged him , while the dog was actively biting his face , he was hugging him with love and compassion and I understood that of course he wouldn’t let go , he loved this dog and this dog was provoked to be angry but did not have intention to hurt the boy. I knew that the boy understood this dogs intention was not to hurt him and he wasn’t angry but loved the dog the same before he had hurt him. I then woke up but the strangest thing happened. When I opened my eyes I was in my dark room but when I closed them , I couldn’t see my iris , every little slit like the under side of a mushroom but in the middle where I would see what blue sky and clouds , as I moved my head around my room with my eyes closed I was scanning the daytime sky, looking around and seeing different clouds but surrounded by my iris.

I know this was long and maybe nobody will read it and I had to get it out. What does it all mean.

I don't know if it's a proper question when I don't really know who I am. Why I don't know who I am? Maybe because I'm ashamed of everything I do in public, I'm even ashamed when there is only my brother in room. Even when I'm alone I don't do anything meaningful. It's been like that since I was born. I'm always quiet because I'm too shy to say anything, if there is something, because my mind is always empty in any social situation. I don't want to express any emotions at all, because as you might have guessed, I'm ashamed of it. I would love to connect with new people, but my body language pushes people away, also my social skills basically do not exist. I don't go to the doctor because I'm ashamed. I don't tell people about my problems because I'm ashamed. There is only one exception, which is when I write to someone or I'm very drunk. But also I'm somewhat ashamed of writing to people I know too. I don't have any hobbies or any passions. Nothing in this world is interesting for me. I don't have a job and I'm a parasite. I hate being me, who am I anyway? I wish I could just turn off my consciousness because I don't think I should be born and I don't deserve anything. But really, who cares?

Back in freshman year of college (early 1980s), there were two guys I hung out with. We mostly smoked pot together and did stupid freshman stuff. One of the guys, who I knew from high school, flunked out after freshman year and moved back home. The other one dropped out after sophomore year and went to a different school in the area but we still hung out.

Eventually I totally lost contact with the guy who flunked out, but the other guy and me still hung out occasionally after graduation. He moved away and we only stayed in touch via Facebook. He went quiet for a while only to resurface months later with photos from the hospital, saying he had cancer and was probably dying. Shortly after that, his wife posted to say that he had died. Pretty sad.

Every so often, I would think about that first guy, who flunked out and then we lost touch with him. He was a character, so I wanted to find out about him, but nothing would turn up in any of my searches.

Until it did. A few days ago, I did some deeper searches (which were difficult, because he had a pretty common name), and eventually I learned that this guy had also died just over ten years ago, leaving behind a wife and two kids.

That threw me for a loop a little bit. And yeah, it's another thing that makes me feel old. That these two guys who I hung out with a lot all those years ago are both dead. Just another thing that makes me value my own immediate family that much more.

I am grossly addicted to doomscrolling, and it hit me like a truck two days ago where I was waiting for an elevator to come from 3rd floor to Ground floor and in those few moments, hardly a minute, I took my phone out, opened insta and started scrolling, not even consuming the entire content. That was my bubble burst moment that I am addicted, so I have deleted it, it's been 2 days, so far no relapse. I am feeling terribly bored the entire day tho, maybe that's a sign, I have picked up cyberpunk 2077 as my getaway from reality every day after work, if anyone has any other advice on tackling this, please let me know

i’m not suicidal i swear
but maybe in the moment when i am just really upset or sad at something
but am i crazy for wondering how a gunshot would feel when you pull the trigger the idea of how it might feel drives me crazy and the idea of what death feels like
i’m pretty sure i sound suicidal and i don’t even know at this point. but either way i know nothing would happen because i am too much of a pussy to do anything haha
but just wanted to see if anyone related to

It is possible that depression has roots that grow not deeper, but external. I can’t picture a single human being who doesn’t have enough reasons to end it all with a loud-sweet bullet or a heavenly-pointy knife. But are reasons enough? Are they based on logic or feelings? Does logic matter more, anyhow, or is a persistent feeling of, for instance, utter loneliness, a hollow desperation growing bitter inside of you, sufficient? Is it a motive as good as any? In that case, why would really successful folks kill themselves? Is it because they already had unsolvable issues or is it that their desire was bitterly turned off by the blinding shadows of success?
I’ve always had the impression that depression is the clumsy translation of a universal, even divine, question. If death is around the corner, why would one do anything? (The reverse of this would also exist and should be translated into something like: If death exists, why would I stop? (Middle-class university junkies, I’m talking to you.))
I also believe that, because of its unique, labyrinthine structure, this question may become a prison. Kind of an angsty but nice one, like an eternal adolescence burning up inside your chest.

I often fall into quite a common pattern. I tend to confuse intelligence with sadness. Mainly, I suspect, due to the fact that all of my heroes are culturally sad heroes. But why? What is sadness? What makes a piece of art sad? I mean, what makes a poem sad? Moody adjectives, gloomy themes? What makes a song sad? Minor chords, a ghostly piano, really soft vocals?
Also, why do we tend to bring sadness and intelligence together, or, more properly put, sadness and intellectuality as a whole, as an ying and yang kind of situation? Who determined that everything containing a certain level of sorrow is immediately smarter than things that do not have it? Can absurdity, joy, and laughter be clever as well?
I suppose we can all agree that yeah they can. I don’t know, Ricky Gervais is fucking brilliant with his jokes, they are very well thought out. Fleabag, R.E.M., Pavement, Trainspotting, Tarantino, fucking comedian politicians and the Walt Dysneys of the world, who sell us happiness by using happiness.
They are really smart.
That much we have to give to them.
But, The question remains? Why do we associate sadness with a certain level of intelectual appeal? Why is it that the greatest artists are generally the ones who talk about this kind of feelings whereas more “happy” art is often label as “banal”?

Okay, I need to sleep. This has been my philosofical debate of the week. Leave me more examples or opinions in the comments. Part 2 will either live in my mind forever or I’ll write it one of these days. Who knows?? Love.
India

Is it possible to feel lonely even when you're surrounded by people who care about you?

Those of you with loud neighbors, do you call the cops or just suffer?

My neighborhood is full of fraternity guys who throw massive ragers every other weekend. By this I mean screaming/chanting for 6 hours and music so loud I can FEEL it inside my own house. It’s also a neighborhood full of families, young professionals, and empty nesters. Since we’ve lived here, we have called the cops more times than I can count to try and get the parties to quiet down, but nothing ever happens. Are we the only ones calling? Surely if the cops were getting multiple calls on an address they would send someone. Are we just being grouchy? Is the rest of the neighborhood ignoring it (how)?? They’ve woken up my baby one too many times and I don’t know what else to do.

Not sure how I got to this point in life where I have no idea what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. I have no problem connecting with new people but it seems like I am not that interesting nobody calls me or asks to hang out with me.

I feel lonely, useless and my self-esteem is pretty low currently. I try to get myself out of that mental state, trying to exercise more, meditate, read, etc. I feel good for a few days then the cycle starts again. I’m looking to connect with people where I can learn something, can feel uplifted, taken care of, where I can trust-fall. But I don’t know where to find those people I don’t even know if they exist. And I ask myself “Am I a good friend for someone who can trust-fall?” Maybe I am not. Maybe that’s why I feel this way…

​

You know, I give up. Nowadays it doesn't matter how much you care about someone. How much you doing for someone. It's pointless. That's all nice really, but totally optional and worthless if you're ugly.

Oh and before you tell me I'm overreacting, people literally recommend facial surgery. I'm not kidding.

I'm so pathetic, I gave people everything I could and it still wasn't enough. I'm such a loser, each time I'm seeing a shooting star I did pray to be loved just so god could laugh at me again. I wished for it even when I found some 4-leafedclover. I was praying in a church.

I was in a gym, I lost 30kg, I did travel my country, I'm in a course since a half year where I interact with new people and I'm still alone. I'm also in therapy since 2 years. I was in rehab too.

I asked people out and heard so much what's wrong about me that I don't know what to do about it.

Wrong height, eye color, hair color, nationality, a stupid name, wrong distance, no experience, not enough money. Stupid hobbies etc.

Like WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I DO?!

I'm still young which is pretty and I meet my special someone when I stop looking for it and working on myself and I heard that like a million times. 10 years later. NOTHING, HAPPENED.

So Hey guess it means shit. My fault for "being the best friend, they ever had" while I'm just easily replaceable and fucking ugly.

I wished so much to have a family in life but I accept it that I don't have the opportunity or even the choice.

So honestly I wish everyone the best and hope everyone can reach what they wish for.

I gave up now. I don't want to waste pointless energy and tears anymore.

at the end of the month, my mom is gonna kick me out of the house and my disability wont be approved in time. What incentive is there for me not to just undergo hospice care? They can't strap me in a chair and force me to undergo treatment. Mom's kicking me out because i'm not giving her rent money.. due to quitting my job and my college "career"

I’m a very sensitive person and I HATE any sort of confrontation. I come across very shy and quite, so I’m often having people just kind of walk all over me and push me around, make really mean or passive comments at me, boss me around, etc. The biggest thing I want to achieve is to have a back bone and build some confidence so people can’t just say and do whatever they want to me. But also where I feel my voice is being respected.

I got into an argument with a coworker, a coworker who happens to be new and has waaayyy less experience than I do. She was arguing with me about our job responsibilities and what my job is and what her job is. I would try and explain it to her, and every single time I was met with resistance and an argument. I felt that she didn’t value my opinion in the slightest, she was “asking” me questions and when I would give her an answer, she would debate it and even cut me off mid-explanation to argue with me. So I had enough. I felt I wasn’t be respected either.
My voice and hands started to shake really bad when I was talking to her and I saw her notice it and fucking smile at me, like she was getting the upper hand and she loved that. Even confronted me about talking to my boss about her.

So after that whole thing went down, I was kind of venting to some people and something that honestly bothers me is when I’m told “I would just let them. Not worth it” but why should I? Why when I stick up for myself, I’m told that I shouldn’t have or to let it go. I totally get it, there are some things that are not worth it especially with work but what about when I feel I’m being pushed around? What about when it’s clearly not about work and a personal matter?? It bothers me so much and i never know what to say in that moment. Because it feels like I’m being told that I’m the instigator, that I caused the fight but I don’t want to fight in the first place. But I also don’t want to have people walk all over me all the time

Your feelings truly matter, and the struggles you're facing in your friendships don’t determine your worth. It takes a lot of courage to work through these difficult times, and I really admire the strength you have.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. Healing and personal growth take their own time, and every small step forward matters. Your capacity to hold onto hope, even when times are tough, showcases the incredible strength that lies within you.

You deserve friendships that feel real, fulfilling, and easy. Trust that by being your true self, you'll attract those who genuinely appreciate you. The connections you seek are closer than you think, and they'll find their way to you.

You deserve friendships that are genuine, fulfilling, caring, supportive and effortless. Have faith that you will meet people who will truly value you. The connections you long for are within reach, and they will come to you.

If someone isn’t treating you right, chooses to leave, or just doesn’t want to be your friend, that’s really on them, not you. It doesn’t reflect your value at all. Those people just aren’t meant to be part of your life. The right people will show up eventually, or you’ll find them when the moment is just right.

Remember that you are seen, cherished, valued, amazing and loved just as you are.

sitting at an intersection with a cop at the front of one of the lines. lights switched to yellow. then red.

and then somebody kept driving and blew the red a couple seconds later.

thought it was going to be convenient cop for a second and I was excited because there have been so many people running that intersection.

but no. he just drove like normal.

offender made a turn and the cop kept on going.

didn't even pull over the guy who blew a red. a HARD red right in front of him.

just... wow.

He was a coworker who eventually got a new job. I think the distance helped me cut him off because he was always wanting to get dinner after work which was usually garbage food. I know that's on me but I have an eating disorder and it's like offering an alcoholic tequila shots, he would often offer to buy or pressure to go eat trash food- our work is stressful and shitty. When I was trying to exercise he would be blowing up my phone. He never wanted to eat healthy or exercise like go for a walk, always blaming his knee. There were some pros like talking shit about work, occasionally going to a movie or a trip somewhere, etc.

He then got upset I went on dating apps and matched with men, he also made a dating profile (he was permanently banned from main stream apps because of his behaviour) where he wrote about me in his bio, he then tried to sabotage any connection I had with other men like telling me they were angry at me. He then tried to police when I went out with other people or weaponise his mental health e.g something that wasn't previously an issue was suddenly sending him into a depressive spiral but only when I was going out. He became obsessive, possessive, and co-dependent. I noticed I had to lie or downplay my outings where it pissed me off because why TF should I be answering to some C*NT I wasn't even dating. He then committed acts of cringe such as: saying his mother asked why we aren't dating but he told her we are just friends, coming off as if he hoped I would say otherwise. He would make comments about how I smell nice and my body, I am actually concerned he was getting turned on during phone calls, us accidentally touching, or the thought of me showering or getting dressed. He once said something about me talking to other men while in a relationship and I asked him who was I in a relationship with then he changed the subject, and I think he got excited over people thought we were dating at our previous workplace. He also kept asking me my thoughts on having children.

I do believe he was having a full on fantasy of us dating and eventually having a family together. Meanwhile I was feeling disgusted and smothered. It was getting to the point I couldn't stand him calling me or messaging me. I think he felt me moving away so instead of leaving me alone he got extra clingy like messaging me on all social media platforms including email, when I told him I want to be left alone he said he would give me space then proceeded to keep messaging me. I was on my period, feeling depressed, and wanted to be depressed in peace. I knew he wouldn't leave me be so instead of giving him a chance to harass me via messages and calls I told him I don't want to be friends, wished him the best, and blocked him.

He then must have taken a day off work just to call me 13 times (on a private number) and sign me up to pathology services.

I grew up in a family with a surname that means something like "lion" or "roar", they were so proud of it that they even wanted to create a family crest with a lion. So many people in my family have a strong build and stand around 6' or taller, and then I was born, a small baby who looked much younger than my age. I stopped growing at 5'3".

I grew up in a world of wealth, power, and influence. As a kid, you don't really understand what that means, but you know that something is different. My dad was not the only powerful person in the family. There was so much money going around, but so much neglect emotionally. As a couple, my parents had a dynamic of a powerful man and a trophy wife, but without connection. My dad traveled a lot and for some reason, when he was away, my mom would subject us to abuse, silent treatment, forbid us access to food, and these kinds of things created confusion for me as a child because I couldn't understand why for example we couldn't eat if we had money.

To this day, some of my family is really locked into being grand. They would imply that having needs or showing emotions was "weak" and there was pressure to be renowned in a field, like a doctor, a lawyer, someone famous, singer, whatever, just be known, put the family name on a pedestal.

Until I was 15 or 16, it seemed like I was a promise, I was a top student without even trying, and a gifted artist who had been drawing since age 5. But then some things happened, and I stopped drawing. I kept pushing through school and went to college, but by 18, physical symptoms started showing up, like nosebleeds. I felt like my body was failing to respond. It started small, then it built up. By my early 20s, I crashed. I thought it was just burnout, but my body was aching too. It got to the point where I was homebound and that was when I started going into treatment, therapy, medications, and every exam I could do.

Now at 30, I still do treatment and therapy whenever I can, I have to take some painkillers and supplements to function. Some days I can’t function, and that's okay.

I don't measure myself by achievements anymore, or by how small I am compared to everyone in my family. I think I found some acceptance and I'm divorcing from the expectations I unconsciously was holding on to. When I look at the people I love and those around them, they are in an endless chase for status, power or recognition, but they never seem satisfied. It feels like no win is ever enough, no matter how monumental it is. I'm not sure, maybe I don't understand the meaning of the chase, or maybe I'm just trying to comfort myself because I don’t have their drive.

I'm writing this right now as I'm having another flare-up, so what you’re reading might just be the voice of my body writing to you. I really used to think I had to be ambitious, but I don't think I ever truly was.

Got deleted from unpopular opinion so sorry if its repetitive;

Not sure how unpopular it is but it definitely seems like people are way more accepting of it than I am...

Like the title says anytime a game developer (and its always the big game studios, for obvious $$$ reasons) put big name actors into video games it makes the game unplayable for me.

Some examples would be cyber punk with Keanu reeves or death stranding with that dude from the walking dead.. both of those games were completely unplayable for me even though I think, otherwise, I would have loved the gameplay, story, etc.

Beyond some recognizable actor who i may or may not care about completely breaking immersion for me it also just seems like such a waste of money for the studio and a money grab at the same time.

They could put my favorite actor of all time in a video game and I would still hate it because the whole point of a game is that they are creating a custom fantasy from the ground up - so it's beyond me why suddenly we need a digitized version of a film actor to suddenly be the star of whatever game.

As the title suggests, I had an argument with my mom today about college, it started since yesterday, when I told my mom about restarting college again so I can become a doctor and do premed, she doesn’t accept the idea and instead got angry with me because she believes I’m not fit to become one and thinks that I will quit college because of that, I never said I wanted to quit college, I just said I wanted to change my major, but she just doesn’t see that. I’m Autistic and have learning disorders but I’ve been trying to prove her that I’ve been trying to learn these subjects I struggle with so I can take these classes and get good grades but she still doesn’t see it that way. She thinks it’s just another way for me to quit college and since next year since people my age are graduating college she thinks I’ll regret it later in life, whine that I haven’t finished college at 22 and wished I could’ve finished. I never said about quitting, 22 is also a good age to restart too since some people don’t like their major (for me, I don’t like my current major) and start again.

But then again, that’s the pain of still living with your parents at 21 years old…

I just want to pursue my dreams and not having to rely on people to stop me from perusing them. Yes I may not be good at math, but for the past month I’ve been learning more and more and I’ve been working hard and she doesn’t see that. It’s frustrating and I wish she can understand that, and not see it as an argument but see it as my life path.

I know this is kind of like a vent but I just need to let it out somehow. What do you think about this?

I don’t think i can go through dialysis again. I’m sick of seeing my mother and i have no friends. I’m deciding hospice is better off for me and i still just wanna cry

After a huge crash almost exactly a year ago, 9 months of intense daytime group therapy including hospitalization for the last month, quitting drinking and pot, a shitton of realizations and new drive, I am collecting the keys for my new apartment this Thursday, and I just got called by a recruiter saying that I'm hired for a job in a brand new sector that I wanted to start in without prior experience, and it's only a 10 minute drive away!

It really feels like a completely new start, like a me v2.0! I've been eding on the edge of poverty in the last few years, and now finally I can build up a saving. I just wanted to share that happiness, because WHOAAAAA. Hard internal work, critical self-observation and self-acceptance can absolutely lead to amazing things coming your way.

I've read through many Eastern, Western, and African philosophical and religious works and I struggle with deriving any tangible benefits from it. On the flip side, many of life's questions have been answered for me. However, I still struggle with the time I've invested into it and have not seen anything of a noticable effect on my life other than being in poverty and having more trouble fitting in with other people along with some insights here and there in regards to the nature of the self, this reality, and God. It's funny, maybe, I have benefited from reading through philosophical and religious works, but my reality seems unchanged or even financially struggling more than I would have if I had just gone to college. I'll post the list of books for people if they are interested in reading these works, but as I said, I don't feel like I benefited that much from them materially, but maybe spiritually and mentally. Well wishes and best of luck. Cheers. ✌️

The Bible

The Quran

The Dhammapada

The Bhagavad Gita

The Analects by Confucius

Nicomachean Ethics by Aristotle

The Republic by Plato

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche

Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant

Sustenance of the Soul by Abu Zayd al-Balkhi

The Muqaddimah by Ibn Khaldun

Rumi

Self-Reliance and Other Essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Walden by Henry David Thoreau

Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

The Alchemy of Happiness by Imam al-Ghazali

City of God by St. Augustine

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki

Buddhist Koans

Tell me your thoughts on this list and if you were ever interested in reading these works. I mainly wanted to post this to try to derive some form of a benefit from my reading of these works. 😅 Maybe, I just have to settle for what they've taught me and not focus so much on my material loss. I dunno. Cheers. ✌️