Caffeine does not give you more energy. It is a drug that makes you less sleepy. If you got 4 hours of sleep last night and drink an energy drink or coffee, your brain will still function very poorly, you just won't feel as tired.

Drinking multiple energy drinks might feel like you're getting more energy, but you're really just overdosing and that WILL hurt you in the long term if you're doing it regularly.

You also can't "desensitize" to caffeine. And kids under the age of 13 should not be having it period.

It's crazy that so many people think caffeine is magical energy juice that replaces sleep. I'm not saying no one should have it ever, but please do not be drinking it in place of sleep

I'm in the middle of painting the bathroom in our new house and I text my partner asking if he can grab some supplies on the way home from work. I find a nice set that has all three things I need, the store is maybe two minutes off his normal commute, I send him a picture of the set, the price, and the location in the store, and he agrees. Except he comes home with the wrong item.

Had it ended there, I feel like it would be a different story. Mistakes happen, especially after long work days, I get it. Except when I say it's the wrong item and I can't use it, he gets mad at me. He starts yelling that that was what was in the aisle and it's what I sent him and then when I show him the clear differences between what I sent and what he got (items, color, AND use), he starts complaining that it was the same price so how was he supposed to know ... except he sent the digital receipt to me and it was a $5 difference in price.

I just can't do it. I can't spend the rest of my life with this person. It's like this constantly. I ask him to do something, tell him exactly how, he tells me I'm over-explaining, does it wrong, and then blows up like it's my fault it didn't work. He apologizes afterwards every time but then he goes back to doing it the next day like clockwork. I don't know if it's weaponized incompetence or if he's genuinely this stupid but I just can't. I don't want to be a mother, and I definitely don't want to be a mother to an almost 30 year old man who then expects me to view him as desirable. I shouldn't have to tell him exactly what needs to be cleaned in the bathroom every week or how to wash the bedding every time or what to not rinse down the drain after every meal. I won't do it until I die. I refuse.

My health keeps worsening. My teeth are cavity-filled and rotting, my fatigue worsening, and i can do nothing but stay acutely aware of my own personal erosion. I can't remember a time before my bones stung with such an acute agony, it keeps progressing with every day that passes and i can't do anything to intervene. I Forget people, friends, words, i even forgot my at the time semi recently broken up with girlfriend's entire existence. I Hate this, and it's only going to get worse.

it's been years. there's nothing about this that's inherently lethal, it's just worsening. always worsening. i'm so tired. I've barely had time to be an adult. I Don't want to keep forgetting. I truly do despise this. I miss the rainy walks. I miss the silly-images I crafted for the sake of my friends humour. I miss being able to think. I used to be an author, and now I’m something far more pitiful.

I used to mourn this hypothetical person I could’ve been if I was just normal, and now I’m left in the shadow of that wishful person I was at the time of that thoughts conjuring.

There isn’t anything that can be done aside from a few medications with the “possibility” to ease the worse of the disease but I’m not optimistic. I just wanted to vent whilst I have the energy to do so.

The person I am now would’ve loved what that person could’ve written.

I am a merch collector of a lot of things like anime, manhwas, Sanrio etc. And every single brand that releases a line up of products always turns them into blindboxes or bag (　ＴДＴ)

Like ever since those labubus went viral, it feels like everything has turned into blindboxes. I wanted to buy the mini Kodak camera and when I searched for it, it showed that it is only available in a blindbox form, it a camera, why would it be a blindbox??????

Just today i also saw a reel of a tote bag mystery box where you order a bag and the colour is a mystery.

I feel like brands realised that the customer that used to just purchase their favorite product will now spend their money to get more blindbags just to get the one they want.

I literally bought just two blindbags of alnst pins and they both turned out to be the same character😭😭

I’m so tired of how casually racist people are and how normalized that shit is. I am a white girl who has a black boyfriend and I’m constantly being called a “you-know-what shark” by other white people. I literally catch side jabs and strays just for loving my boyfriend and not being racist.

And when I stand up for the black community I’m a “white savior” or a “n-word lover.” It’s so fucking annoying and embarrassing for being white.

I grew up with a horribly racist family. My family members are mostly a bunch of fucking racist hicks and they tried to make me like them too. I broke out of it and I am proud to say that I don’t view skin color as a trait and don’t even consider it in my decision making on people’s character and value. Everyone is worth the same, no matter their situation or ethnicity. I am proud of where I am today for taking it so seriously. I am proud of myself for advocating for minority groups. I am proud of myself for breaking my families cycle.

I am told so many times by other white people that “my black boyfriend is going to leave me when I have a baby” and I know he would never. Out of all of the men I’ve been with no man has ever been as loving and appreciative and as kind as my boyfriend. All the white men either tell me I’m not skinny enough for them or they’re racist POS that end up cheating on me with an orange spray tanned sorority girl. All the white guys tell me that I’m trash because I’m with a black man and I’m ran through and I’m worthless.

I’m just incredibly exhausted by it. Why are white men so insecure of black men. How is it that I’m being called a pig for having love in my heart. People call me lame because I don’t say the n word and I haven’t and never will. Fucking deal with it you racist fuck. I hate this world we live in. My boyfriend and I are living our life together happily and doing good in life as a couple. You’re living your life as a miserable hateful racist fuck.

My partner has OCD that can present in ways that people don't typically think about when they hear OCD. People generally think of checking to make sure the stove is off 100 times, or needing everything to be clean, or everything needs to be organized. My partner obsesses about a thought or a thing and it becomes his whole world. It may take him hours to send one email because his mind attaches to it and won't let go. He wears nothing but clothes branded with his company logo. He cannot let go of work ever. He started a new line of work a few years ago and it is all he will talk about. He will sit in his vehicle after work, talking to people from work about work. Sometimes for hours. All conversations revolve around really detailed events of his day because his work is all his mind can think about.

And I am over it. I am done with hearing about nothing but his work and his co-workers. I am done with him sporting his company logo all day every day. I am done with hanging out with our friends and family and having him talk for hours about his job.

I hate that I have to prioritize every part of my life around his job. I have a job too, I make as much money. But his schedule dictates my life.

I hate how unbelievably moody it makes him. Every outing is ruined by how snappy he gets with me because something at work is making him cranky and he can't separate work and life. Every day now I have to tip toe around his horrible moods because he is obsessing about every detail about work.

It sucks because in so many ways he is a great partner and I want to be with him forever. But I am tired of living with a knot in my chest because of how condescending his OCD makes him. It's making me build so much resentment, which I hate, because there are so many good qualities that he has. But his OCD is an angry beast.

Work is just the latest monster. Through the years we have been together he has obsessed about hobbies, diets, etc. Everything is the same. He obsesses and it is all he will talk about. It becomes the focus of his entire life. Obsessing about it will make him moody because he needs it to go exactly how he wants. It becomes part of his routine and if any aspect of that changes, the grumpy monster emerges again. If he quit his job, I am sure another obsession would take its place.

I know he needs therapy. He has tried medication. He has done therapy before. I love him, I'm not going to leave him. But I just need to vent to release the frustration.

I used to care when I saw people in relationships or saw someone making new friends easily, but as I get older while I do still long for human connection because I am human,

I realize that I actually dont physically have the energy to entertain people.

This isn't everyone's opinion and I get I might just have been burned, but I dont think relationships are even worth it. To me, there are so many toxic and terrifying relationships that a part of me just wants to stay away from everyone.

Maybe one day Ill change my mind, but for right now I dont envy. You never know what type of person a person could be and I also get that its just life, but im learning I really dont mind being alone.

I’ve been having a bit of a rough go of it at work as of late. I’m a custodian who helps clean a large high school, and for the last three years I assumed I had the biggest, worst area. Mainly because I clean the area that includes the gym and the auditorium, and while I don’t clean the gym itself except on game nights with some help from the other people in the building, and the auditorium is normally not too bad, my area is usually flooded after school with the most people; there’s always an event, like a game or a show or a concert or a band practice, always something that seems to get in the way of me doing my job. And it seems like no matter what I do, especially this year, I’ve been staying late, staying past 8 hours and, if not 9, then damn close to it. I’ve been exhausted, frustrated, tired, wanting to change areas, wanting something easier because I don’t even know how to make my area something I can do in my needed time anymore. I’ve worked it for 2-3 years now and I decided to ask my boss to be transferred. I told him I’ve been having difficulties, that there’s always some event, some bullshit, making it hard.

He told me flat out I had the easiest area in the school.

I was completely stunned. I didn’t know what to say. And the thing is, by his breakdown, it sorta made sense. He gave reasonable time frames for every room I do, told me that it took people four hours to do my area when I wasn’t there, and even called people who said they could do it in four to five hours, not eight. Granted, thats mostly in theory, without mentioning events. But apparently, even with those events, my boss thinks I should be able to have a bigger area and still finish in eight hours, and I don’t honestly know how.

I’ve gotten into trouble already, almost got a write up last week for leaving trash in the hallway, and now I’m scared I could lose my job because it seems like no matter what I do, I’m the worst employee who takes the most time to do the simplest shit even when I felt like I had the worst. Shit, It took me even longer to do my area last night; I started at 2:30, and ended at 12:15. And part of that was just having the conversation about wanting to transfer but still.

I’m scared and I’m tired and no matter what happens it seems like I don’t know what to do or how to go about finishing my area when everyone seems convinced it’s the easiest shit in the world.

I just had the only thing keeping me going taken away. Literally nothing good ever happens to me. My entire life is nothing but pain and suffering. At this point I’m convinced that the entire world hates me. I know no one will see this or care. Everyone hates me.

I recently got a job as a cashier for a retail store. I really enjoy it and told two friends (separately) about my happiness doing customer service and that I genuinely enjoy cashiering and they both made fun of me. It made me feel small and stupid. I hated it. I wish they wouldn’t do that. Even IF it is stupid to them.

I turned 20 today, or I guess yesterday since it’s 2 am here. My father and his wofe sang ”happy birthday” to me when I woke up and many of my relatives wished me happy birthday as well. I am deppressed and haven’t seen any of my friends in months, and I just visited my family. I wanted to party with my friends and have fun, but it wasn’t possible.

The day was alright. I knew I wasn’t going to be partying, so I just lived my life and enjoyed the day to the fullest. I am a person who doesn’t feel like other people should bend over backwards for me just because it’s my birthday, so I was alright. I think in the back of my head I still hoped for more though. I didn’t get a gift from anyone other than my oldest brother who sent me money. I didn’t have any type of celebration.

As I said, I’m fine with people not spending their whole day catering to me because of my birthday, so I’m not mad at anyone. I think I just hoped my 20th would’ve been more exciting.

This was not why I cried though. I am not going to tell my entire childhood simply because it would be very long (I am still open to questions about it if you have any). What I will say is that I have always had to ”take care” of my father. I would settle his arguments with his partners. I would clean up after him and make sure he was okay at all times. Only about three years ago I got rid of my habit of not being able to fall asleep before I heard my father sleeping, just to make sure he’s safe and sleeping in bed.

So, because I am at my fathers place, I started to take care of him, since it’s been in me since forever. I drank wine alone and started cleaning up his side of the bedroom (I was sleeping in my fathers and his wifes bedroom because of their puppy). Eventually his wife came in and yelled at me for making noise while I was cleaning.

I’m not mad at her at all. Everybody would be angry if they woke up in the middle of the night to someone making unnecessary noise. She’s awesome, and I know I’m not the sweetest person either of I’m woken up suddenly. Her scolding was just the thing that tipped it all over. I started crying because of everything that happened. I cried because of the fact that after years I still feel the need to clean up after him. I cried because I turned twenty and nobody around me treated it as big as how I felt about it. I cried because of how I have become a recluse because of my deppression and anxiety. I cried about how I created harm to an innocent person just because I just had to take care of my father.

I can’t sleep right now because I’m scared my father will be angry at his wife, because she did nothing wrong. I am so scared because in my dad’s previous relationships I have been the mediator and ”relationship therapist”. It scares me that because of my mistake my father would get mad at his wife. He should not be in a relationship, because he is not very good to the women he dates. This relationship seems to be the best he’s ever been in though, so it kills me that I might be the reason for conflict between them. Right now I am thinking of ways I could talk about this to him in the morning so he won’t take it out on her for having a human reaction.

I love my father, but he is not a person anybody should look up to. I guess all of these combined just made me sad, and being yelled at broke the camel’s back.

I feel sad right now, because i didn’t get the birthday I wanted. However, I am now old enough to look back and now that I’m 20, everything feels extra bad. I feel bad for six-year-old me, who cleaned up my dads beer cans in the morning. I feel bad for the 7 year old me who had to force my dad to bed so I could sleep. I hate the fact that 8-11yo me was scared because I couldn’t be with my dad that much because I couldn’t be there so much as before to make sure he’s ok. I also hate the fact that since I was 12-year-old I have been trying my hardest to make sure my dads relationships will stay afloat. I know what kind of person my father is but I love him. I just want to change him to be a better partner and to live happily with his wife. I’m scared for his wofe because she’s amazing and my father is…not.

I am just sad that this is still active today. I don’t even notice it when I clean up his space or put warm socks on him so he won’t get cold. I wake him up from naps so he doesn’t sleep so long that he won’t sleep at night. I can’t stop though, because as long as I’ve lived my job has been to take care of everyone else, especially my father. Although I know it’s not good, I lowk wish I could live close to my dad so I could settle their arguments.

I’m so sorry this vent is all over the place, but so are my thoughts. I know tomorrow I will make sure my father won’t get mad at his wife because of me making noise. I will also have to apologise to his wife. I just want to be a child, and maybe that’s why I always end up in the tou section. Maybe one day I will have the money to buy the stuff I want.

If you read all this, thank you so much even though it must’ve been very confusing at times. If you have any questions or thoughts comment them! I am very ready to talk about all this, and I will say if I don’t to answer something.

I struggled with substance abuse and mental health issues that set me back and prevented me from going to college. I am now working a minimum wage job and have my life. My job sucks the life outta me. I basically have just enough to get by. I feel like I have no real time to enjoy anything. I've been crying all night. I have ruminating and racing thoughts about my existence. I don't know what to do anymore. I fucking hate everything.

Someone pried the door off of my gym locker and stole my bag coat and bank card and I am beyond pissed off. Not only was my card stolen so I had to freeze it and will now likely have to wait through the swamp fest that is a bank branch but they also stole my bus card (so I cant travel anywhere) and my EarPods case so they will probably have to be replaced too. Its so frustrating because other than the few pound in my wallet and my bus card funds nothing off any real value was stolen other than some sentimental items like the bag itself which ive had for nearly 10 years and has been my travel bag literally everywhere. The problem is the inconvinence the fact ill have to go to a bank and get a new card , replace everything new bus card ect its just so so inconvenient.

I just needed to rant, so this is all over the place.

Ever since I stopped giving myself up and using all of my life as a resource for gaining validation from other people, I’ve been dead inside. I can’t write. I can’t make music. I can’t write poetry. I can’t concentrate. I can’t play sports. I can’t do anything right anymore if it’s not for some else’s sake. I am incapable of motivating myself to be good to myself. I can’t fucking sleep unless I think about it. I’m just spiraling, and the only thing that makes me okay again is feeling valued. I need to be a part of someone’s utility. I need to be valued, and I don’t care if it’s for hedonism or ego or what. I need to be treasured for being nothing to myself and an essential service to someone else. I need to sacrifice everything for someone right now.

My life has no purpose anymore. My entire belief system has been shamed and disintegrated. All of my reasons to live are hurting me. I have nothing that brings me joy anymore. Please, please, I just want to be useful again.

I can’t stop worrying that the kindness that I receive is ingenuine. It’s okay if it is, I just want to know. I just want the world to be honest and fucking use me. I’m tired of always wondering if I am being useful enough for someone to keep around. I’m tired of knowing if that servitude is a prerequisite. I just want someone to tell me that it is and stop lying to me about them loving me and caring about me. I just want to be used. I’m tired of being promised that I am enough and that I don’t need to give myself away just to not be alone just to be abandoned. I would do anything to make them stay.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, so I am seeking validation from strangers, because the only people who I can entrust with my feelings are the people who have the least opportunity to use my vulnerability against me. Honestly, if anyone wants to moderately manipulate me as ruin me as a person, hit my fucking line.

Hi, I'm not really attractive it's just the thing it is. I often dream about being loved but that's not really something that ever happened in almost 30 years.

I rarely feel any kind of connection to anyone. I'm sadly not really wanted by anyone, I don't even get hugs. I'm really afraid that I will die like this. I will probably have to pay someone to even get on of these again and it makes me really sad. I don't want to feel like this. I just want a single chance with anyone, I don't care about look or character or whatever anymore. I don't mind if I find someone who abuses me, at least I wouldn't be alone anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore.

I’ve been so intensely frustrated and tired recently. My whole life I have been a top student but I’ve always given my utmost effort to be that. I never had a friend to depend on and the few I found either moved away or I had to leave because they changed after they started being involved with shady forums and people after I begged her not to. Last year It finally felt like I was getting somewhere. I found friends who want me around and classes I enjoyed and managed to keep a 90% average. I did well in hockey and felt good overall. Now I have a job and endless responsibilities that leave me no time to be human. I need to study for my hard classes that I’m taking for uni and that takes around 6-8hrs each day. After that I still need to apply and assure I maintain myself so I keep my money offers and scholarships. Then I need to sort out shifts for my job and lessons with my driving instructor which adds another 2-5 hrs. Then I get stressed about all that I have to do and by the end of the day I just go straight to bed and wake up exhausted for the next day which then causes me to struggle in my classes and has a ripple effect. Then I have my sport on the weekends which I’m more unfit for now because I stopped exercising so I can work all night. On top of that I’ve been told I might have an eating disorder by my therapist. Finally there’s my friends, I finally found people who want me around late last year. They are my first proper friends and now suddenly there’s a fight between all of them and there’s people acting immature and cutting others off while not communicating and suddenly my last source of comfort is gone. No place is a destress place. If im at home im working, if im at school im working and dealing with arguements, if im anywhere else its because i have lessons, work or some social obligation. I do not get a moment of rest and when the weekend comes im just studying more with my parents asking about uni or more things i need to do. Not to mention that ive been ignored in my want to stay out of their fights (theyre divorced). I feel myself crumbling and when i tell people they say “that sucks but to look at yourself and how good you are and that you’ll really make it in life.” I’ve only made it this far by slowly killing any joy i had about my life and now you’re saying its ok because in the end ill have a good job? a good job takes work and with how im going I have nothing left to give. I cant enjoy anything anymore without stress or thinking about work. I can’t afford to not work this hard because if I dont i will lose everything ive maintained up to now when im so close to winning so when people tell me ill be fine because im smart it pisses me off. I’m not smart I’m hardworking and it’s killing me. Nothing comes to me naturally, im not talented and I’m not fine. I can’t find value in myself other than my grades and sport. I don’t do anything else because I don’t have time and if I suck at those what do I have? I cry everyday and now even my mum is sick of it. Please tell me it gets better Sorry if my text is a little jumbled. It feels nice to say these things finally.

i dread work. I don’t like it. I count the minutes till my break. but when it’s time for me to go home and stop working, I genuinely don’t want to. It feels like the moment I have done my hours and they tell me to clock out, I realize that there’s truly nothing waiting for me back home. I have nothing to be happy for. no social interactions, no fun, just sleeping and having to cook or do other responsibilities. it’s my first job, I work 9 hours a day and get paid minimum wage. it’s a shit job, but I could never quit, because there’s nothing else to me. all I am is work. that’s what i work for. That’s what I am

I'm so horrible lonely. I often cry myself into sleep lately. I can't hide this feeling right now and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. It's such a horrible feeling, laying awake again, barely sleeping, being asked by People if everything is fine because I look so horrible currently. it's feeling like loneliness is killing me. I wish I wouldn't have to feel like this. I just want it to stop.

I know people are probably sick of hearing this but I am so tired of opening social media and getting hit with an endless conveyor belt of "come with me on my Monday" or "day in the life" videos where people are literally just narrating the most aggressively mundane tasks. Living in Southern California makes it even worse because it feels like every time I go to the grocery store or sit at a park, someone is treating public spaces like their personal film set. I saw kids at a park the other day completely ignoring each other and the playground, just staring into phones or filming TikTok dances. These kids were literally like 8-10 years old.

Beyond just the vlogger culture, I really just miss the early days of the internet. Ya know, when finding a very specific video or information was straight forward. Now if you want to find something, you have to comb through AI generated answers, click bait, lame videos that you don’t even wanna look at and you still walk away empty handed. Between that and that fact that there are no more AI bots on the internet now than actual human beings, it just gets to a point where you don’t even wanna use it anymore. It’s discouraging. The internet can be an amazing tool, no doubt, but the social media aspect and all the bots just make it all feel so disingenuous and over monetized.

Again, I know this is not new information I just genuinely wanted to vent.

And hey, I do get wanting to escape the 9-5 grind or whatever and hit the viral lottery, but the stats on the creator economy are brutal. A massive chunk of people making content literally earn nothing or under $10k a year, while a tiny fraction of them make six figures. You’re essentially working a second, unpaid job. Why? This makes it even more confusing for me. And not only that, but you’re broadcasting all kinds of personal, sensitive info to pretty much anybody that’ll watch. If that’s not desperation idk what it. And the same people will turn around and make comments about hating mass surveillance. But you’re literally putting all of you online for free. Make it make sense. And no this ain’t an ad for flock. Fuck that. But personally, I’d feel so uncomfortable sharing my day to day life with random people online, but I could at least understand it more if it were actually a lucrative thing. I’m not necessarily talking about the small or local business owners posting their goods and services. I feel like that’s different. But I’m more so talking about people recording their think pieces or 14 step skin care routines. Who cares? Maybe it’s just a me problem. I just think it’s stupid and kinda weird

Anyways I think I’m done.

Im 19f. Im struggling to get independence and honestly figure my life out. I can't turn to my parents because they just laugh in my face.

When I was in middle school my mother had a stroke that left her half paralyzed. She changed for the worse. She went from a fun supportive mother to someone I dont want to be around. She became homophobic, transphobic and honestly racist.

Growing up She encouraged me to be myself and express who I am with my clothes and hair. Now she's the opposite. She wants me to dress "normal" or conservatively. She also has said the N word multiple times or referred to black people as "their black asses" when she is white. We are a mixed race family. She also judges me when I explore my hair texture as I multiple textures on one head and it's more silky than most poc.

She doesn't try to get help, accept help or try to help herself. She refuses to go to therapy of any kind. She claims we treat her like she's fragile but she also does this baby talking voice and make us do everything that she finds even the tiniest bit of difficult.

She judges me for still living with her but she still needs help with things. She has become bitter and mean. She expects everything to be handed to her, like her stroke means she gets everything she wants or she "deserves" somehow she refuses help but demands it at the same time which I don't understand.

She refuses to admit she can't take care of herself let alone her dog. She has never smelt good or taken care of her hygiene and after the stroke it got worse. It was caused by her not taking care of herself or taking her meds (fast food everyday, not exercising, not taking her blood pressure medication, stress ect)

Im working with my brother on getting my drivers license so I can work 2 jobs until I start college or do delivery's or something when I'm not busy.

My mother has become a horrible person, and she still had to raise me after her stroke. She never taught me anything and yet still expects me to know everything. I was taught by my older sisters who were learning for the first time and the internet. All my mother does is judge us for not being unhygienic "Tom boys" she expects it more from me because I have a deeper voice than most women so many assume I don't want to be "girly" but I love dresses, makeup, fashion, and jewelry. I try to learn more and more about taking care of my body so I don't end up like her.

Im tired of all this judgment from someone who shouldn't be judging others. She loves to play the blame game, she blames her kids for her stroke, she blames the doctors for her stroke. She blames everyone but herself.

I (18M) love my cat, i used to have 2 of them but the other ran away over a year ago, this cat has been the only thing keeping me from giving up on everything i want in life, she’s been the only companion i’ve had in the past 5 or so months since i graduated high school since i live in a rural town and haven’t been able to start college until January 2027, my goal to become a teacher, my willingness not to just sit and rot in my room for the rest of my probably short life, everything revolves around me being terrified of what would happen once im no longer there to take care of my cat because my mom is too busy with work to care for her and my brother is frankly uncaring about everything. My mom will have to quit her job soon because she isn’t making enough to pay her bills and will try to find a job elsewhere, if she cannot find a job we will have to move into my grandparents house but most importantly to me, get rid of my cat. It feels so fucking selfish to say that my biggest concern with living in fucking poverty is not having my cat but i have loved this cat since it was a kitten and i don’t know what i would do if i can’t be around her, i used to have another cat prior to when we got both of the cats (the other one that left and the current cat) but it turned out to be someone else’s cat that we accidentally kidnapped, and i loved that one too, when it left i was already depressed and that turned into me being suicidal, i dont want that to happen again when i probably wont be able to get my license to DRIVE MYSELF to college every day because i am autistic and have struggled to learn to drive, i can probably afford a dorm with financial aid but then im just pushing my problems further away from me, not fixing them, id be one less mouth to feed but maybe they’d still have to get rid of my cat and then i am just as depressed as i was 3 years ago. I cant get a job of my own currently again because of not having a car but also because nowhere in walking distance (ie. 2-3 miles from my house, rural texas fucking sucks) will hire me, my other brother who is also in college is doing far better but is effectively in a safety net of my family’s money and will not be able to sustain his college education halfway across the state once he’s no longer getting our money.

Literally my only goal in life is to go to college for history and teach, if i can’t do that what is there for me, i cant handle a regular job, i do not believe i can survive outside an educational setting wether as student or teacher, sometimes i envy those who are far more mentally disabled than me (it feels fucking terrible to say this but this is genuinely how i feel sometimes) because they get more help financially and may spend a couple more years in school than regular students, as much as i hated school it was something stable and rigid, it was scheduled and everything was routine. Now i am suddenly told to be an adult when i struggle with basic social interaction and can’t handle spending too much time outside my house, i HAVE applied for disability and medicare so that i get SOME income and medical help although that doesnt change the fact that glasses aren’t covered by medicare, my teeth are all fucked up because i was born premature and brushing my teeth completely is surprisingly difficult, therapy is expensive as fuck, and most importantly THAT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT I DONT WANT TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY CAT IF MY MOM CANT GET A JOB ANYWHERE.

I don’t know what i’d do without my cat, she is the only thing that’s kept me somewhat normal the past year and the idea of having to leave her alone at a shelter or wherever is terrifying, my college education, the one thing that actually matters to me in my life is potentially in jeopardy and i still can’t fucking drive a car. I do not think i could ever actually harm myself but every day i wake up feeling like my continued existence is a losing battle, i was born incorrectly and now i have to suffer the consequences, being socially inept, being bullied in school and with shit grades, having low job prospects, and struggling to do basic fucking things like driving or tying a fucking knot. My passion for history, so much so that it’s the only thing i’ve ever wanted to do with my life, simply isn’t enough to get me a job or keep the house and more importantly my cat.

I don’t want to say goodbye to my cat, i don’t want to be alone, i’ve had no one to interact with for the past 2 months since my brother started college and she has been the only thing keeping me grounded.

I don’t want to be alone.

I’ve been searching for-fucking-EVER - I’ve applied for hundreds of positions and haven’t gotten a call back on one. I’ve been working for the past two odd years as a janitor at the hospital (I’d decided any position in a medical world was a good thing, as I planned to become a doctor at the time), have since graduated with an associates degree (and a GPA of 4.272), and have developed medical issues that have halted my progress, both as an employee and a student. I can no longer safely or comfortably work a physically demanding job, but no job able to accommodate my needs has even brought me in for an interview…I’ve worked in the past with kids at a daycare, foster kids, and at a Subway, so the only professional experience I have in any kind of administrative work is customer service. I have a lot more experience from school - leading group projects, editing my peers’ papers, homework, and spreadsheets/borderline tutoring them, managing conflict and scheduling mishaps, raising my typing speed - but none of that shows up on paper because none of that experience took place in a professional position.

I’ve also tried applying for my city’s program to assist disabled folk with getting a job, and I qualified for level 2 support needs (out of three levels), but, apparently, not one person has been taken off the waitlist since the summer of 2025. I’m autistic, and applied for IDD services, but my doctor referred me to an LMFT instead of another doctor to be diagnosed for some reason, so I’m not even sure my diagnosis will qualify.

What’s more, I cannot find a therapist. I’ve applied to countless therapists as a client, but only a handful have responded, and only one matched up with my insurance and needs. I was in therapy with her for one session, and she told me that she doesn’t believe outpatient care would be enough for me, and that I should seek partial hospitalization/inpatient treatment. I am not able to do this - beyond the expenses, I have several medical struggles, one of which will require a major surgery in the next year. I cannot manage my medical needs inside a mental institution, at least not until I’ve recovered from surgery (which, according to the internet, can take several months to a year).

Everything is just so awful. Idk. Idk