I don’t want to tell my friends about this because it feels like bragging. But my boyfriend of five years is so good at hyping me up and last night it made me cry a bit from feeling so loved and seen.

I am just a regular gal most of the time but every now and then I get asked to speak in public on a topic I know about. I did that last night, just to a really small audience. It had been ages since I’d done an event and I was a bit nervous, but it was so fun and it reminded me how much I love doing it. I felt really good and had a great time.

After I was done my boyfriend found me and it was like he had love hearts floating around his head like a cartoon. He spent the next like… half an hour telling me how smart I am, how talented, how good I was at that, how nice and thoughtful I seemed, how I’m such a good person (?) and how he’s so lucky to be with me. I got really teary and had to ask him (lovingly) to stop.

I don’t know I’ve just never been with someone who is so quick to praise me in this way, and who is so genuine about it. He wasn’t trying to get anything from me for it, he was just saying those things because he meant them and he loves me. Previous boyfriends would have tried to tear me down or make it all about them. He said he’s lucky but really I am the lucky one.

And yes I know the bar for men is in hell!!! But it’s still nice when they clear it.

Intake nurse asked me about my height, weight, age etc. I tried guessing my weight based on the last time I weighed myself over a year ago.

She took me into another room and weighed me. Turns out I'm 10kg heavier. No biggie, I've had health issues and medications slowing my digestion.

Back in the other room, my boyfriend is sitting beside me saying supportive things because I'm terrified of surgery.

She looks up, smacks her lips and goes "Mm WELL, did you tell him about your weight?"

Widening her eyes big looking back and forth from him to me

I don't say anything because I'm just confused as hell

She looks at him again apologetically and then back at me me and smacks her lips again and says slowly

"Well, you were far off... About..." tilting her head waiting for me to finish the sentence

When I don't, she smacks her lips AGAIN and says "Well, 10kg heavier means the anaesthetist wouldn't have been able to put you to sleep!"

All in this disapproving mother tone as if I was trying to hide something from her

My boyfriend just giggled because we play guessing games with numbers all the time. He high-fived me under the table and joked "close enough"

I still don't understand why she felt the need to involve my boyfriend, as if my weight was something shameful I needed to confess to him

She was super cold to us both after that and split is up. When later a nurse found me distressed waiting alone she went back and got him for me because apparently he could've stayed with me the whole time.

Throwaway account.

I’m a woman in my early twenties. I’ve been like this since around middle/high school. It’s the weirdest thing ever; I don’t get aroused very easily, except for certain scenarios.

I could meet the person of my dreams and be invited into bed only to go “eh, rather watch a movie”.

Essentially the scenario goes like this; let’s say I’ve got an essay I need to print, drive to my college and submit in an hour. I don’t have enough of the essay done; the time crunch between me finishing and submitting on time is extremely slim, close to being a late turn in.

That scenario and many like it, get me so soaking wet I cannot focus on anything else. Late to work and my boss is mad? Turned on to the max. Overwhelmed with assignments, don’t know where to start, deadlines looming? I have to take breaks to relieve myself. Friends been waiting on me for a couple minutes to finish getting ready and come out to be picked up? Flushed and jittery.

I have to stress that this issue I have has not ruined my life yet. But it’s come close to getting me in trouble at work, caused me to miss deadlines, have people waiting on me, etc.

It’s not directed at any one person or any one thing. It is specific to if know I’m running out of time and will face negative consequences, I’m further unable to do what needs to be done because my body is wired for sound.

I do not believe this is a porn related issue considering I never consume the material. It makes me feel gross.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Last week I found out my cousin killed his wife. Their three kids were home. He hurt himself right after, and now he's in jail charged with murder. He'll probably be in prison for most of the rest of his life, maybe all of it.

I live across the country and only saw that side of the family every few years, so I keep hearing about it through my mom and other relatives, and reading news articles about someone I grew up with. It feels unreal. One minute I'm angry at him, the next I'm heartbroken for her and their kids, and then I catch myself feeling sad for him too, and I don't know if I'm allowed to feel that.

Apparently there were warning signs. He'd been arrested months ago for hurting her and was out on bail with a restraining order. I keep wondering what was going through his head, whether he's thinking about his mom or his kids right now, and whether I'll ever see him again.

His mom, my aunt, turns 74 this weekend. I don't even know what to say to her.

I don't really have a question. I just needed to say it somewhere. If anyone's been through something like this in their family, how did you deal with it?

Hey all life is feeling bleak.

I used to dabble in so many hobbies and loved trying creative things but these past couple years I have no drive left in the tank.

And the root cause of all my feelings is AI at the moment.

It's undoubtedly the next step in technology but holy cow do I wish it never existed.

I'll give some examples -

I used to write a lot of songs with my guitar. And of course we as people love sharing stuff like that with others. But even if it is a truly authentic piece I wrote, there will always be a non zero chance somebody would think I used AI to help me write it :/ and that's a really shitty feeling.

I like writing too. Short stories mainly. A lot of times stuff I thought of in dreams I would write down before I forgot but I stopped doing that too recently. Things like text or writing is so easy to generate at the click of the button.

To add to the writing thing I stopped reading books too. (Especially with new books) I'm terrified at the thought that a random author I find turns out to be a bot and I'm just reading generative text instead of a person's imagination coming alive. How saddening. Seriously.

I tried my hand at coding and always thought a little side project of creating a game would be cool but lets state the obvious, there's not really a point in learning all that jargon when an AI is coding at light speeds. Why even pursue that anymore.

So lately I've been feeling a bit forced but am exploring more real tangible things I can do. Something I can put my mark on. I bought a camera recently and am trying out photography. I also thought of trying to paint.

Are there any other hobbies that people can't just say I possibly AI generated? This just sucks all around.

They screwed up their own lives. Why did they have to have children and pass on their own low IQ problems? It's not fair.

My birth parents have never succeeded at any job, been able to make/keep friends, accomplished anything, succeeded in romance, or made it past college. My birth mum only complains about stupid shit when she talks. Things anyone can easily solve. Or she complains about the doctor asking her to exercise because she doesn't want to, or she complains about visitors expecting her to use the bin for her rubbish. I can't have any meaningful or interesting conversation with her.

They have no complicated or advanced hobbies, only very basic things like drawing half-legible pictures on paper 🤦‍♀️ which look like a child scribbling

My birth mum is very pretty but not intelligent at all, and not a kind person either. She embarrasses me by fitting the stereotype trope of the "dumb/mean/bad personality but pretty" person.

My brother stares at tv all day and never says anything, and my sister has never had an original thought.

Following in their footsteps, purely by accident, I failed every job I ever landed, failed every course I every tried, couldn't understand how to make friends until very, very late in life, have trouble understanding the difference between what is mean vs what is nice, most social skills I had to make a very deliberate and conscious effort to learn, I couldn't make it past school since I couldn't understand 95% of the material.

Life feels like it's on Hard Mode for me and Easy Mode for everyone else, and I'm seriously starting to worry about my future work prospects.

(On a side note: My adoption "family" were like painfully obvious evil cartoon villains from my very earliest memories of them. It still took me an unbelievably long time to realize they weren't trustworthy. I feel embarrassed it took me so long, and I still loved them unconditionally and couldn't see through their villain disguises.)

Some people should not be allowed to breed...

It snowed tonight, and honestly, it was such a vibe. The sky was dark and moody, the wind was swirling, and I could see snowflakes falling right in front of me while pumping gas. There was something so cozy about it that I immediately pictured myself lighting scented seasonal candles, watching Netflix with the fireplace on, and drinking tea. As much as I love the cozy energy , I know that once the holidays are over, I’ll be counting down the days until spring. It literally snowed in May earlier this year, and winter felt like it would never end. But for now, once Halloween is over, I’m ready for Boney M. and Michael Bublé season. I can smell the perfume at the mall while Christmas shopping and hear the music playing already!!

Hi everyone,

Just going through a difficult period at the moment.

I currently have a plan, means and intent to take my life, though not for a week or so.

I have a phone appointment with my GP tonight. I know I need help and I am planning on telling him about my situation.

I just don't know what would happen if I do. I know if I tell my psychologist, his duty is to assess my safety and evaluate how severe the risk is.

Just wondering what a GP would have to do. Obviously, we don't have an hour to talk and I would only be speaking to him for 15 - 20 minutes.

I'm 17F from Afghanistan, and today I finally took the TOEFL iBT.

I honestly can't describe how I feel right now. My results aren't out yet, but somehow, I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

For the past 10 months, I studied for 3–5 hours almost every night, on my own. No fancy courses, no expensive resources, no tutor sitting beside me. Just a cheap notebook, a pen, and me, trying my best to build a future for myself.

There were nights when I was exhausted, nights when I doubted myself, and nights when I wondered whether all this effort would actually lead somewhere. But I kept going, because I knew what was waiting on the other side of this exam mattered so much more than the temporary comfort of giving up.

I'm from Afghanistan, where pursuing higher education isn't a straightforward path for everyone. For me, this exam represents much more than a score. It's a chance to apply to universities abroad, to continue my education, and to move a little closer to a future I've been working toward for so long.

I know the TOEFL is just one exam, and I still have a long way to go. But after 10 months of preparation, sitting down today and finally taking it felt like closing one difficult chapter of my life.

I probably should've waited until my results came out before posting this, but I couldn't keep these feelings to myself anymore. I gave it my best, and I'm genuinely hopeful that I'll get my desired score.

Whatever the results turn out to be, I'm proud of myself for making it this far.

To anyone out there working toward something quietly, with nothing but a notebook, a pen, and a dream: I hope you make it. And I hope one day you get to look back and realize that all those nights weren't for nothing.

I was at a party. He kept flirting with me and I thought "you know what, fuck it" and went along for a kiss.

It was very anticlimactic. I guess I expected to feel some grandiose revelation or at least anything new, but it was boring. I'm more focused on the fact that it was my first time kissing someone taller than me.

I don't know how to feel. It was so not the mindblowing thing I expected that I think I should just move on and focus on what I'll eat for dinner tonight.

TL;DR : used to be very homophobic. kissed dude because you only live once. overrated experience.

So many fucking questions about the most inane things, and usually not related to the work we are doing.

Do you know coworker X?

Not really.

In which section does he work?

I don't know. You can check Teams

I think he works in section Y.

Okay.

Do you know when he started?

I said I don't know him, you can ask yourself.

And this won't be the end of the "conversation".

Because of this fucking moron I have to work from home several times a week even though I hate it. He can't read facial cues, he can't take no for an answer and he does not understand that I do not care about the things he cares about.

I really try to be nice because he is a good kid at heart, but I just can't take it anymore. I genuinely am starting to hate his fucking guts

Ok I need to tell someone this but didn’t know who so I might just use Reddit for this. my mom is from Jalisco and my abuela never learned english, and my whole life I understood her fine but always answered in english like an idiot. every call was her talking, me going "si abuela si" and then handing the phone back to my mom lol.

Like 3 months ago I got tired of it and actually started trying. tutor once a week, a lot of listening, and reading on this app Unedo in the mornings bc it's short stuff about mexico and not "el niño come manzana"

Anyway two weeks ago I read something about Juan Gabriel and remembered she used to blast his records every sunday when I was little. so today she calls and instead of passing the phone I just asked her about him. in spanish. my heart was pounding.

She went quiet for a sec and then she just started TALKING. seeing him live in Guadalajara in the 80s, my abuelo, songs I had no idea she loved. I didn't get every word but I kept up and asked stuff and made her laugh once with my horrible accent. 20 minutes. no english at all !

right before she hung up she said "ahora si eres mi nieta completa" and I'm not crying you're crying.

Anyway, if you're a heritage speaker who thinks it's too late or too embarrassing to start, it's not. they've been waiting for us to try! Would love to hear if anyone here had a similar experience :))

At the time, I (16F) had this huge crush on this guy (16M) in my APES class but i never could talk to him. We had completely separate friend groups so I had no reason to interact with him. He was really cute and I was mid so I realized I had no chance.

There was this ships instagram page going around my high school and obviously nobody really cared about it since it was silly, and the ships were genuinely stupid. I made a whole burner account to dm the page and ask them to make a post about us. They did and i pretended to have no idea when my friends sent me the post. There were literally only 2 comments on the post. One was his friend poking fun at him and the other was him asking "who even is that". During APES, i very purposefully talked about the post loudly to my friends, saying I had no clue who the guy was. I made eye contact with him and went "OHMIGOD YOURE THE GUY FROM THE POST". He looked uncomfortable. I tried to converse with him about who it could be but he did NOT engage. There genuinely was no valid reason anyone should think we were together. We never talked again.

The post got buried, we graduated, and never crossed paths again. I'm 19 now and I still think about him sometimes and cringe. I hope he's doing well. I still kinda like him.

I have a 2 year old boy.

He was super healthy, chubby, a perfect baby up until 9 months when he stopped growing, was crying too much, had rash, puffy eyes etc.

It took us about 6 months to understand that we need to remove both gluten and dairy.

He started thriving and getting better.

If he is at home, isolated, under our control and what he eats, it's good. If he goes to kindergarten, grandparents' houses and everywhere, he gets the symptoms.

He doesn't have the genes for celiac, but is totally affected by this.

My husband and I are both very depressed.

All the products in all the markets contain either gluten or milk.

We cook at home, but it's tiring.

My kid won't have a normal childhood, watching others eat cakes, pizzas, pastas, going to restaurants, parties and travelling.

We used to travel a lot with my husband, now we can't go anywhere because we can't eat except a prepared meal at home.

When we go outside, we see all the places our kid won't be able to go to, or will watch others do it but not him.

We want to be an example for him on how to approach this, but how can I be an example when I am devastated.

I thought there was some hope to overcome this, but the pediatrician says it's a forever thing. He says it every time and it's like a reality check.

I can't find hope and can't enjoy his childhood.

He's smaller than all of his peers, skinnier if he is out there in the world.

We can't keep him home forever.

I’ve always known we’ve been very politically apart, I wasn’t aware it was this much. I feel so disappointed and sad.

So, what do you guys think about arranged marriages?

So, a few weeks ago, whenever I went home for the weekend during my college break, one of my dad's friends would often come over with his wife and son. Since their son couldn't always join in when the our parent were talking, I'd sometimes be asked to keep him company, whether that meant just chatting or going for a walk around the neighborhood.

They're really nice people, and I never minded hanging out with their son. We're pretty close in age, so talking to him felt natural. Honestly, he's actually a pretty fun person to be around. He is obsessed with reading books and novel, and also watching movies, just like I do.

Sometimes, our conversations would get a little deeper. We'd talk about things like career plans, what an ideal life looks like, and even politics. At first, I just thought he was the kind of person who enjoyed having deep conversations, so I didn't think much of it. I shared my honest opinions because, well, I enjoy talking about those things too.

Then, about two weeks ago, my parents told me that he'd asked them for permission to marry me.

Yeah. You read that right.

Apparently, he'd talked to his dad about wanting to marry me, and his dad had brought it up with mine. They wanted us to get engaged first, with the actual marriage happening later.

According to my dad, his friend's son said he liked me because we shared a lot of the same views. Apparently, he'd been looking for someone who was serious about marriage and wanted to build a family with him.

Which, honestly, confused me a little. Because if you knew me, you'd know I'm probably one of the last people you'd think of when it comes to settling down and starting a family. But whatever, I guess.

And apparently, he'd also told my parents that he was willing to wait until I graduated from college and found a job before we got married.

At that point, I was honestly shocked. First of all, I'd only known this guy for a few weeks. And second, marriage wasn't even something I'd been thinking about.

My mom tried to reassure me by saying that love can grow over time, or that feelings can develop once two people get to know each other better. My dad, on the other hand, said he wouldn't even consider someone like that if he thought the guy might hurt his daughter.

And the thing is, I get where they're coming from.

This dude is genuinely nice. He's gentle, he's interested in the same things I am, he actually listens when I talk, and he respects my opinions even when we're discussing things we might not completely agree on. He's mature, has a stable job, and honestly, there's nothing about him that would make you think he'd be a bad husband.

If anything, he sounds like the kind of man a lot of people would be lucky to end up with.

And that's exactly what makes this so difficult for me.

From what I've heard, arranged marriages have been pretty common in my family for generations. And honestly, that's part of what makes this so hard for me. It's not easy to tell my family how I really feel when so many people around me have had successful marriages this way.

My parents got married through an arrangement when they were young, and they've been happily married for over thirty years. The same goes for my older sister, one of my second cousins on my mom's side, and most recently, my cousin, when she turns twenty-three two years ago.

So, yeah, pretty much everyone in my family seems to have made it work, and their marriages have lasted for decades, and the most important thing is, they are happy. I guess that's why my parents have so much faith in this whole thing. And honestly, seeing how well it worked out for everyone else makes me question myself sometimes. What if they're right? What if I'm turning down something that could actually make me happy, just because I'm not used to the idea?

Maybe, from my parents' perspective, I guess there's nothing wrong with what they're suggesting. They probably see it as a good opportunity for me to have a happy marriage with someone they know they can trust.

But I still can't bring myself to say yes.

Not because this proposal came too soon or it's not that I dislike him. I don't. And it's not that I think he's a bad person, either. I just can't imagine agreeing to marry him.

I don't know if I'm just overthinking this or if I'm being completely reasonable. I also don't really know how to explain my feelings to my parents without making it seem like I think their marriage was a mistake or that I don't trust their judgment.

And honestly, I'm scared that if I tell them how I really feel, they'll think I'm being ungrateful for turning down what they see as a really good opportunity.

So, yeah. I haven't gone home in two weeks because I'm genuinely afraid they'll bring up the whole marriage thing again and ask me for an answer. Even my friends don't understand why I'm hesitant, when I told them the whole story, they say this is good opportunity to have a man who can provide dan protect me for my entire life.

I really need some advice from people who've been through something similar.

English is not my first language, sorry if this is a bit messy.

My boyfriend and I are probably over soon.

It started simple: I hate his other friendgroup. That's not uncommon, and I could even live with it if it was a simple case of not vibing with them. If only they didn't make my boyfriend so goddamn mean every time he gets back from hanging out with them. He adopts their personalities, habits, and ways of speaking like he's a mirror. He's suddenly so irritable and judgemental, like a completely different person from the man I've known for years.

I, of course, don't want to be controlling or dictate who he spends his time with. But, I can't stand who he becomes after seeing these people. He's known only known them for 4 months, too, so it's not like I'm butting into some decades-long friendgroup, either.

The conversation happens. I'm only asking for him to try and be aware of his cruel behavior. I suggest that maybe he should reconsider if it's worth hanging around people who make him unkind, but I emphasize the choice is ultimately his. All I need as his partner is for the jerkishness and short temper to stop when he gets back to me.

It goes so much worse than I ever thought.

He admits to enjoying his time with them more than his time with me, and he says he is his "most authentic self" with these people. He says he finds himself "restrained" with me, and that he's been hiding his opinions about certain things because he knew I wouldn't like them.

Every time. Every single fucking time guys do this to me. "I knew you wouldn't agree with my real thoughts," then Don't fucking date me!?!?!

What do you think is gonna happen, exactly? Am I supposed to change my mind? Am I not meant to ever find out? Are you hoping I cave to sunk cost fallacy?

I find out every time. I do not change my mind. Sunk cost... well, I haven't bit the bullet yet, but I'm pretty sure that's not saving this in the end either.

The part that makes it hurt so much worse is that we've been friends for such a long time. He's a staple of my own friendgroup and has been for years now. I really, really thought he was different. I wanted him so badly to be different.

I just don't understand how he could watch me become a miserable, unrecognizable, hollowed-out shell of myself because of my Ex, and then still lie to me just like he did.

God, I put so much of myself into this relationship because I thought I was dating my friend. I thought I knew him. Guess not! Apparently, I never know anybody!! Everyone just says what I want to hear and I'm the dumbass for believing them, I guess!!!!

Anyway, at the end of a very, very long and difficult conversation, he agreed to try and be a kinder, better person overall, but... he's still gonna hang out with those people. He decided, (on his own, mind you) that if I still find him mean after hanging out with them in a month's time, he'll dump them entirely for me. Because I'm "that important to him."

We agreed to the compromise. I agreed to it. I didn't want to throw away everything I'd worked so hard for so quickly, and he seemed so sincere and sorry by the end, and... I felt like if, in a month, those guys weren't in the picture anymore, maybe everything would be okay again. Maybe it'd be like before?

But... I don't know if I can do this. I can't let the things he said go.

The thought of him makes me anxious. I feel sick getting messages from him, despite them being sweet. Things that used to make me smile just make me nauseous. I can't seem to stop feeling this way the entire day. Part of me still doesn't understand what happened. Every emotion is completely flipped.

"It's just like the face you show friendgroup A, and friendgroup B," he said. But, I'm your partner, aren't I? Shouldn't I get your real face? Was I ever really seeing you?

Where is the person I loved so much? He vanished overnight. I miss him so much that I feel like I'm being torn apart, but... I don't think he was ever truly there at all.

I feel so stupid. It's over.

Yes, there have been good times in these forty years, but on balance, no, I have not had a good time. If reincarnation existed and were optional, it would be vehemently refused. When my time comes -- whenever and however that may manifest -- I'll be relieved to leave it behind, no matter that my personal belief is that nothing awaits me aside from oblivion. Oblivion will surely be much less of a pain in the goddamned ass.

As for those who would be left behind and might even "mourn" me, well, as John Lennon once sang, "And so, dear friends, you'll just have to carry on."

I moved to my small town in 2001, my parents followed in 2006. My mom's health has been in steady decline for the past 5 years and my dad took care of her, so they've been housebound for a few years now. Yet, my dad's phone has been ringing off the hook, both landline and cell. Calls and texts.

In the 26 years that my family (of now 6, 14yo youngest) has lived here, we've had friends stay with us on numerous occasions. From a few days to a few months. We've helped hundreds throughout the years with my serious couponing. Me and my husband both helped with band for six years, from middle all through high school. We've had 18 years of youth cheer combined into 10 between my three girls. I coached/assisted coached 4 years. Photographed homecoming three different years. Hubby was a glorified "water boy" running all the things at home games. I was also active in animal rescue. Me and a sponsor fixed, vaccinated and found places for over 71 cats and kittens in one season. I photographed several senior pics and other important moments through the years. I've had dozens of "adopted" kids throughout the years. Kids that would run up to me and give me a hug and tell me all about their lives. I was the mom that they could come to, no matter what. My door was always open. Kids that are now full fledged adults. Plus through the kids, I knew their parents. I was always there for everybody and anybody. This isn't a pat on the back, this is to show how big my world is, well was, now. I guess.

It's been a week today. She didn't want a big thing, she got cremated and we're going to do a small celebration of life when my dad is ready. There weren't many around at the end, so it'll just be us ...

Still, It's been an entire week... and yet my phone has been absolutely silent. Not a "I'm sorry for your loss". Not a "you'll be in my prayers". Not a single "I'm here for you". Not one.

I've got over 2,100 contacts programmed in my phone from the years... and not a single call. Not even a single text. All the people that I thought were "friends". All the people that I thought cared. Genuinely, cared. Nothing. All the efforts that I poured into people.

I got a few responses to my FB post that she passed. Which I will be forever grateful for. But I guess I just had to get this off my chest. In a place where people I thought cared wouldn't feel guilted into a half assed I'm sorry. All these years I thought that I was making a life, making a home, making FRIENDS... and it's been a week and my phone hasn't went off once. No notifications of a call or even a text.

It's been a week... of nothing but silence.

Somehow this is my very first time of living alone. First I lived with my parents, then with a roommate, than with my boyfriend, than eventually with my husband. And now I’m divorced, rent a flat and it feels weird to come back to an empty silent home. And I really love being alone most of the time, but sometimes it’s just too empty. So any advice? How do you spend your evenings and weekends? What helps you get comfortable when it’s just you?

I'm 25F, currently a college student working on two bachelor's degrees simultaneously, on the pre-law track. I make excellent grades. Academics are my life. I don't feel worthy of the air I breathe if I'm not in school and doing great at it. All my life, my worth has been solely linked to my academic performance. It's how I earned my mother's "love." I was only ever shown any type of affection when I was something she could brag about or show off. Her affection has always been conditional.

She is (was, I guess- I'm finally no-contact) extremely abusive in pretty much every way you can think of except physical, which in a way, is worse. Because when I would reach out for help, I'd be accused of making things up because I was "mad that I wasn't getting my way" and "couldn't stand being told no."

I used to get on my knees and beg God to make her hit me, so there would be visible proof of her abuse and I could show someone at school.

My father (whom I am also no-contact with) was never home due to his work, but when he was, her behavior would change. He never witnessed her abusing me, and he never believed me when I would tell him what she had done. NO ONE believed me.

So, for pretty much as long as I can remember, I have projected my need for a stable parental figure onto authority figures. Typically teachers, and now, as I've gotten older, college professors. Which is something I didn't realize until literally just last week (I mean, I knew what I was feeling was a problem/unhealthy, but I just hadn't connected the dots yet).

It isn't something I consciously choose to do. But, whenever a professor makes me feel seen, makes me feel acknowledged, makes me feel safe, I cling onto that like a lifeline. And sometimes, it's what literally keeps me alive. They're just doing their job, but to me, it's so much more than that. It's literal sustenance to me.

I'm a transfer student. I started out at a very small community college and was there for three years (an extra year because I got cancer and had to take time off to fight it and recover from the chemotherapy). In that time, I developed an.. God, this hurts to say, obsessive attachment to one of my instructors. He validated and encouraged me more than anyone else in my life ever had. He was the very first one to ever believe in me wholeheartedly. But my attachment got so intense that rumors began to spread that we were having an affair, because I would spend so much time with him while I was on campus (which was NOT true, by the way). He wound up having to switch me to strictly online classes and bar me from going on field trips with the rest of the class. I was absolutely shattered and I completely shut down. I was a husk of a human being for two years. And I'm still not fully over it.

I finished there in May of 2024 and started at my current university in August of the same year. Now, I've developed attachment to two of my professors, and the obsession is absolutely ruining me. I do my best to stay away and not let my attachment interfere, but it's physically painful to swallow. It feels like I'm trying to force something in a box that's far too small to hold it all, so a bit of it is spilling over.

Despite what some may believe, I'm not looking for anything romantic or sexual from them. I just want closeness. Human connection, with these individuals that see me, that acknowledge my potential and what I can do. That see me. It's shameful to admit, but professional boundaries are like a knife in the chest. No matter how much anyone tries to explain it to me, I just cannot wrap my head around why it's so wrong to want that.

Having to constantly filter and water myself down is absolutely fucking exhausting, and I'm not even half good at it anyway. Despite how desperately I try to conceal it, it always spills over. And it's overwhelming to the people around me. They don't know how to deal with it. Not just my professors, but everyone. I've always been too much for everyone.

In my 25 years, I've never met anyone as intense as I am, and I feel completely alone and ashamed. I wish I could just be fucking normal.

Edit to add: I'm already in therapy. Things take time.