I recently shared an article here where I talked about things bipolar people wish others knew about the disorder. I realized I made a glaring error by not taking time to talk about psychosis or really give details about the true mental torment of the disease. I wrote another article explaining all of my terrible experiences with bipolar disorder including damaged relationships and psychosis. https://medium.com/speaking-bipolar/coming-of-age-with-bipolar-disorder-90bcc958047c

I’m an outpatient psychiatrist boarded in general adult Psychiatry and addiction Psychiatry. I love my job, and I think I’m good at it — and always striving to be better.

Sometimes, however, I stay up late ruminating (like tonight) about an off-handed disparaging comment from a jaded non-psychiatric doctor, or brain-eaten politician, or about rare side-effect a patient has, a misguided influencer, or a patient who I know is suffering… worried that I’m not doing enough good, or doing good enough.

I have enough evidence to the contrary, but I don’t think I need to tell you all how our minds can twist reality into darkness.

I stumbled across this community tonight and felt revitalised that I am of service (or at least can be). I love seeing how supportive almost everyone here seems to be, how reasonable, caring and compassionate. That gives me hope, and renewed purpose.

I hope you don’t mind me popping in, but I just wanted to say: thank you.

I think I’ll be able to sleep.

Has anyone stopped taking 5mg of Olanzapine without tapering that can advise how long the withdrawal symptoms last? Im on day 6 and in a lot of discomfort. Stomach distress, bloating, agitation, buzzing under my skin, achy muscles. I feel pretty awful. For context I have bipolar, currently on Lithium and lamotrigine. I stopped sleeping a couple of months ago with racing thoughts so Olanzapine was prescribed then advised to remain on it but weight gain terrifies me.

Has anyone stopped taking 5mg of Olanzapine without tapering that can advise how long the withdrawal symptoms last? Im on day 6 and in a lot of discomfort. Stomach distress, bloating, agitation, buzzing under my skin, achy muscles. I feel pretty awful. For context I have bipolar, currently on Lithium and lamotrigine. I stopped sleeping a couple of months ago with racing thoughts so Olanzapine was prescribed then advised to remain on it but weight gain terrifies me.

I have a lot to say; so please, bare with me.

I just found out that I have bipolar disorder. This is something that has affected me more than I thought it would. It's made me rethink who I was, all the choices I have made (both good and bad), and who I need to become.

I started therapy, and have a psych evaluation once a month. They have been great. In my sessions, I am very honest, specifically about how I made a ton of impulsive choices, some that have hurt people I love. Most recently, I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend. This was something way out of character for someone like me, or so I thought. I had a girlfriend before my most recent one, and even though I never had sex with anyone else while her and I were together, I did watch a lot of porn. I also allowed other women to flirt with me. Was I cheating on her without acting on it?

With all this being said, I was thinking about my past, specifically when I started feeling really sad, and it's been over 10 years (I'm 22 btw). I have had so many negative thoughts about myself, but then, after a few days, I'd be on this high. I would be so happy and feel like I can take on any challenge. It was/still is a constant rollercoaster of emotions (insert Kevin Malone killing that turtle).

Overall, now that I know that I have bipolar disorder, I know that a lot of my choices and actions now have an explanation. But, let's be real, I hurt others. I watched porn while in a relationship, I cheated on my gf, I let people down with those choices, I drink way too much when I'm alone whether I'm happy or sad. Having bipolar disorder doesn't mean that I can use that as an excuse.

All this does is tell me that now I can have more control, but my issue that so many people are hurt. Even if they have all moved on, I still feel like I hurt them so much, and that because of it, I don't deserve to be happy. However, I know that's not true. I know that with the proper meds, the proper therapy, I will do everything I can to control myself and not act on impulse. In turn, I'll be happy. But do I deserve happiness?

I really don't know what I want from this. I'm just so sad today. I feel like a loser. Like this earth is just telling me it would be better off without me in it. But I also know that's the depression talking. Idk. Sorry for the long message.

I have just come out of the hospital after being newly diagnosed as having bipolar 1. I have been taking my meds and going to all my therapy appointments but my family keeps pushing the idea that I try marijuana as they think it will help with my mental health but I’m terrified it might send me into psychosis and I will end up back in the hospital. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today but couldn’t work up the courage to ask. Will marijuana help me, be neutral towards my illness or will it send me into psychosis

TW-suicide

Hi everyone,

My younger brother died by suicide about a month after starting Vraylar, which was added to his existing medications, Lamotrigine 150 mg + Wellbutrin XL 150 mg.

I'm not posting to ask for sympathy, but one thing I've found myself fixating on as I process his death is whether Vraylar might have played a role in the outcome. I think hearing about other people's positive experiences with the medication, particularly those who were in a similar situation to my brother, might help me find some peace with the uncertainty.

He had been experiencing a prolonged depressive episode and had expressed concerns about the black box warning regarding the potential for increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors in young people. His psychiatrist reassured us that this was a risk associated with many psychiatric medications and that she believed the risk was lower with Vraylar. We trusted her clinical judgment, and I don't blame her for what happened.

Still, I've found myself wondering whether we should have pushed back harder or questioned the decision more. Rationally I understand that psychiatric treatment often involves weighing uncertain risks against potential benefits, especially when someone is already severely depressed and experiencing suicidal ideation. But emotionally it's difficult not to revisit those decisions and wonder whether things could have turned out differently.

I'd especially appreciate hearing from anyone who had pre-existing depression and suicidal ideation before starting Vraylar and subsequently experienced improvement, especially those under the age of 25. I know that other people's experiences can't tell me what role, if any, the medication played in my brother's death. I think I'm just looking for some reassurance that choosing to try this medication was a reasonable decision that genuinely had the potential to help him, rather than a decision that inadvertently sealed his fate.

I was recently diagnosed bipolar after a 2-ish week manic period where i had mild psychosis and was almost hospitalized. I got the diagnosis and got put on meds. Im still manic right now just not psychotic anymore, im trying to get better.

But anyways, i can feel my fiance is kinda distant right now, also seems annoyed with me, and just in general it feels like she looks at me weird or sees me as a different person now. I cant shake this feeling that she will eventually leave me now. She even said it if i ever stop the meds, she will leave me. Im thinking that if she was able to mention that, that she is already thinking of leaving.

She's the most neurotypical person i know, and i just cant help but feel she isnt able to be with someone whos bipolar+adhd.

Anyone ever been in a similar position? Im kinda worried and dont want to spiral or subconsciously end up doing somethinf wrong so that she will end up breaking up with me. I think she deserves to be with someone who isnt crazy.

My dr just prescribed me Seroquel 50 mg for feeling depressed after a mixed episode. What is your experience on this drug and am I just going to be going through life half awake now?

I just started taking asenapine (5 mg twice daily). After the 10 mins are up, there is still quite a bit of white chalky "pill" (or something) still under my tongue. Does anyone else have this? I fee like I'm doing something wrong. Thanks for any insight.

I've had audio hallucinations for a while. No voices, just indistinct talking or whispering, my name being called, knocking, dogs barking, and music. Normal stuff mostly. But recently I've had visual hallucinations as well. I think I've read bipolar can cause this, but I'm kinda worried I'm developing schizophrenia.

I've seen a cat running past my feet to under my desk. We own cats, but none that look like what I saw and I didn't see it anywhere else when I looked so it wasn't a stray that got in. I also saw the walls looked wrong. They were at the wrong angle. I almost walked into them. I also have seen moving shadows once or twice but that's normal boring stuff most people see.

I'm seeing a doctor in a week so you don't need to worry about telling me to do that

How do you handle with the sleep alterations during the hypomanic phases? I think is the worst part. I know that my brain needs to sleep but my mind doesn't stop, I lose the sense of time and just focus on different activities...

I have recently been diagnosed with BP1 a few months ago and honestly being diagnosed has changed my life because I’m able to get the proper treatment for it. I do have good days and bad days and it is has been a hard week for me but I’m trying my best to stay positive.

Bipolar disorder has changed my life in ways I never expected. I’ve been on medical leave for six months, and now I’m terrified of going back to my job as a hotel manager.
I’m scared that my employees won’t see me the same way, that they’ve lost respect for me, or that I’ll no longer be the confident, capable person I used to be.
I know my health comes first, but I can’t stop worrying about how everything will be when I return.
Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with the fear of going back to work after a long mental health leave?

I don’t really know what this post is even supposed to be. Mostly just a vent I suppose. TLDR at bottom.

When I was younger I was obviously neurodivergent and ended up on stimulant medication for adhd. It was never enough for me and due to my weight (as a kid I was very low weight) they couldn’t increase it enough for my mom to feel like it was helping (and let’s be real, she wanted a magical fix with the medication, pushing it was for her benefit and not mine, since she didn’t want to deal with my behavior problems which at the time was normal kid with ADHD behavior. Long story short she loved babies and hated children.)

I transitioned to Strattera at or around 8 years of age. This put me into a mixed episode that lasted until I finally was able to get off of it after an attempt at 17. Yes, literally the entire time. Actual mood states where I should have been shifting from depression to mania did not appear until I went off of it and went into a “normal” bipolar cycling during college.

I had been begging for half of that time to go on something other than the strattera or simply taking me off of it but they refused. I knew by 13 it was the strattera causing the additional (other than ADHD) issues, and it was never heeded as I was a child.

I was recently diagnosed as bipolar due to my previous psych putting me back on the strattera and immediately going back into a mixed episode which by month 6 I recognized as what I was dealing with in childhood. I was so irritable and angry, I had psychosis, I was hallucinating mildly, I started up SH again (mildly thankfully compared to as a kid, I was able to control the urge better now), I just didn’t feel like myself and it was terrifying.

Friends, I don’t know how I lived through that as a kid. I barely made it to 80mg this time and was on freaking 100s as a child (at least- for some reason as a kid I remember being on 160; this is possibly incorrect or I could have been in a study as this was in the 2000s. My files are no longer at my childhood psych office, I requested them when I remembered 160 but found that to be impossible unless I was involved in research - due to the psych office I went to I believe this was possible but idk if I was. Either way I was on more as a kid because I do have proof of the 100s.)

I also don’t know if this is why I have no stable sense of self or no identity, because during the entirety of my formative years I was in a mixed episode. How do you form an identity around that? I also wonder how much damage it did to my brain. That was almost ten years in a detrimental mood state and it had to damage my brain.

And it just makes me so sad. I knew something was wrong and tried to get them to change my medication but they didn’t. They listened to my mom who said the behavioral issues were unchanged/worsened and tried to get me up to a higher dosage by weight or additional medications which never worked because they were all SSRIs other than when we tried Abilify which made me violent.

I was punished for behavior caused by the medication they refused to take me off of, and it’s just heartbreaking to me. I was so failed despite having resources there in place that were supposed to help me. I thought I was a bad kid just because I had these behavioral issues for years and years and years and punished myself (even as an adult retroactively) when in reality it was that I was in a mixed episode that whole time. It really just makes me sad and sick to my stomach.

TLDR: was stuck in mixed episode from 8-17 due to medication; don’t know how I lived through it as a child; unsure of how much damage was done to brain or sense of identity/self.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you struggle with a sense of self after you were properly medicated? Does anyone know how much damage this could have done to my brain from such a prolonged episode?

I lost everything to the disease of bipolar. My dignity and independence. A couple jobs, my housing, all my stuff, my pets, my car. I’m at a loss just want to be on my own and stable making decent money. I’m so frustrated. I’ve lost friends. No one wants to listen or hear me out anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m trying heard everyday. It’s a battle and I want things back the way they were and maybe that won’t happened. But I can’t be happy like this,

Latuda has been working wonders for me. However, I still feel as if I need a little push to fight the depression I experience on a daily basis. My psych doctor told me that I'm not suppose to take an anti-depressant with latuda. I'm not sure what to do. I recently got diagnosed back in July (BP1 with psychotic features). I'm well aware that they're worried about another episode, but I feel so hopeless.

I 29F was diagnosed after having a mental breakdown (mania with psychosis). I was put on a psych ward for 3 weeks in July this year. I feel very lost.

I am now in a depressive episode and I am medicated. I am so tired all the time and I am on sick leave from work for months. How do you push through this. I am feeling suicidal. I was manic at work and I am so embarrassed by my behaviour. I am afraid the extreme fatigue will not lift. Any advice?

I'm getting my medicine refilled tomorrow. I saw on the Kroger app that it is a different manufacturer. I can't find any photos of the pill online. It's diazepam 10mg.Has anyone gotten this before ? Does anyone have any pictures of it? It's from the manufacturer Chartwell Rx llc. It says it is a white round pill markings CE 202

I had something like psychotic slip, not full psychotic break. (I did not end hospitalised against my will).

I had transient psychotic symptoms that lasted days then went away and then delusions/perception stuff came back.

Im on 2mg risperidone rn and it calmed me down. I finally get consistent sleep but im still not stable. I dont feel exactly like myself. I feel like something is missing.

I was pretty depressed, but now its a bit easier but i now feel a bit flat.

Antipsychotic definitely helped after 2 weeks but there are some side effects.

I'm waiting for hospitalization that will help doctors monitor me better and find better treatment.

I wanted to ask, is it possible to be on for example mood stabilisers only without antipsychotics AFTER being stabilised with them and antipsychotics?

Basically can i go off antipsychotics and remain only on mood stabilisers after im stable?

Lets say i might have shown psyhotic features...

Im 25, im scared of permanent stuff like TD.

Idk what is worse, lithium or antipsychotics...

Im really looking forward to working on myself with my psychiatrist but i wanna hear real world cases from people.

Or i should not overthink being on antipsychotics 24/7?

I had a mixed episode last year as my introduction to having bipolar disorder after getting kicked out of my old apartment and having to move back in with my family. I turned into an absolute menace and was acting in ways that I'm so ashamed of. It's been over a year and only a month or so ago have I really started to get memories back and have a clearer view of what exactly happened. My family no longer sees me the same way and are scared I am going to have another episode. I really scared them. My sister told me she was afraid I would kill her in her sleep, I thought she was being ridiculous because the only life I wanted to end was my own, but now I see because if I wasn't in tears I was enraged by something. I was throwing myself on the floor just crying and throwing things and screaming. I didn't know what was going on and neither did they, so I didn't go to the hospital, I rode it out at home for MONTHS until I got on an effective dose of lamotrigine. I genuinely thought I was going crazy.i thought my dad and my sister were conspiring against me and any time they were together, they had to be talking about me. They were happy I was coming home because they missed me and I came home and had my first episode...

In hindsight I wish I had gone to the hospital, it would have greatly shortened my episode and probably would have helped repair my relationships with my dad and my sister before I fractured them so badly. My sister used to be my best friend but now she cannot even stand to be around me. I have apologized and sobbed for how awful I acted, but nothing is the same anymore. I don't know if anything will ever be the same again. I'm not very good at making friends so I don't really have anyone now. I confessed my diagnosis to the one friend I did have and the shame I'm having over my episode last year, and now she isn't talking to me anymore. I'm so much more stable now but I truly am on my own now... I can't turn to my family for emotional support anymore. They don't understand and they are scared of my emotions. My step mom was in jail while I was in my episode, but it's almost like she holds it against me the most or I guess she's just finally able to hold onto some concrete reason not to like me. I was having delusions that they wanted to be a family of three without me and I guess that ended up happening anyway.

My psychiatrist scares me. Like if I make one wrong move, she’s going to take my meds away scared.

I recently went through a two week long mixed episode and it was awful. This is a new psychiatrist and I saw her at the beginning of my episode. I’m on abilify and lithium and all she did was increase my lithium which gave me toxicity and then I had to go back down. She’s given me NOTHING additional since and I’ve told her I feel depressed.

I hate this. I’m so overwhelmed by everything, yet somehow I also feel nothing. My Ativan helps with the overwhelming feelings and then I’m just blank. Going about my day with no emotions. It’s sad that I feel this way, I’m half-assing social interactions, my work is suffering, I never want to be at work and I am negative in my PTO from all this. I just got back from FMLA and I just can’t cope. I just want to go home and sleep. I go to bed at 7:45-8:15 every day and I’m not doing any of my hobbies.

I can’t live my life like this. I found a new psychiatrist but I don’t see them for another month and now my work is trying to change insurance plans to a plan where all my drs are out of network.