We were very close friends and we been talking every single day for seven years. We had been sharing so many things and having countless experiences together. Then, one day, after a concert by the band we loved the most, we confessed that we had developed a tiny bit of romantic feelings for each other.
I couldn't lie. I did like him, but I also loved him as a friend. Honestly, if that moment had never happened, I would have been perfectly happy staying friends. That was my honest feeling.
We started something together and everything changed in a very short time. I wasn't happy with how shy I suddenly felt around him. I was afraid of getting closer to him because he kept telling me that I shouldn't get attached, that I needed to be careful with my emotions, and that his life was complicated and he had neither the time nor the energy for a relationship, even though he liked me so much. So many things like this happened that all my courage, happiness, and hope for us were shattered.
In the end, I decided to stop. I was ready to continue being friends because, after all, it had been my decision to give us a chance, and it was also my decision to end something that was making me anxious every single day.
On that day, we had a three-hour conversation during which I made it clear that I wanted to close this chapter completely. I cried in front of him because I was deeply disappointed and sad.
After we agreed to end things and remain friends, he asked me one last question: whether I wanted to continue having sex with him or not.
He already knew from our previous conversations that I didn't want to have a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I had been clear about that. If we were going to build something together,it could only be a relationship based on trust and respect. We would either become a couple or end things and try to remain friends.
I cannot describe what happened to me in that moment. It felt like a knife had pierced my heart, like an explosion had gone off in my brain. I felt as though I were drowning, burning, and freezing all at the same time. And just like that, all my hope for our friendship died. I couldn't stop thinking that this person had never truly understood me, seen me, listened to me, or cared about me.
When he thought everything was okay and that we could simply go back to being friends, I decided to cut off contact.
It has been two months, and I am still not doing well. I feel so lonely without his daily message. I feel as though I have lost my sparkle. I hate him, but I miss him. A lot. Every day, when I wake up, the first thing I think about is his name, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep is his face. I wish he would suffer, and I wish I would never have to see him again. But at the same time, I feel incredibly sad whenever I hear that he is on holiday, because it means we are not even in the same city anymore.
And now, I have started making excuses for that question and trying to justify it. I tell myself that I exaggerated everything, that it wasn't such a big deal, and that I should have explained to him why I made this decision. One bad move. He didn’t know why I didn’t want to see him. He kept writing to me until I told him I needed some time to think about our friendship. He sent me messages saying how strong he believed our bond was, how ready he was to meet me again, and how grateful he was that I had been honest with him about my feelings. If he hadn’t found out through our mutual friends, he would probably still believe that our friendship was unbreakable and that I was the one who broke it simply because I was a hopeless romantic who couldn’t have what she wanted.
Am I the only one making this into such a big drama? I cannot accept the fact that I remember every single detail he ever told me, from stories about his cousins and his late aunt to his colleagues' families and his first pet turtle, yet he seemed not to care about one single but incredibly important thing I had told him about me/us. It’s not about being friends-with-benefits; it’s about being heard, seen, and taken seriously. During our last conversation, I felt as though I could have been talking to a wall, and even the wall might have given me a more empathetic response.
Half of my friends tell me that a real friend should care about my wishes and would never ask such a question at such a moment. The other half tell me that I am being unnecessarily stubborn and too proud and he simply wanted to make sure he understood what I wanted and that I have turned a simple question into a test of whether our entire friendship was real.
Please tell me honestly: am I stupid for deciding to go no-contact because of this?
I really need your honest opinion before I go crazy or turn into a desert with all the tears I have cried.