The last few years have been tough, unstable, mainly depressed and self-hating....except for the weeks and months when I was high, ambitious, joyful, giddy, connected.

The last few months, I have been more stable. Picking up the pieces. Remembering the things I find joy in. Facing all the difficulties in building my life. And it feels like all my passion for life was drained out. I am not depressed right now. I just don't have the confidence to chase after my dreams.

It feels like the only thing I know how to do is be sick. I part of me craves getting high again, and not seeking care, and then...meeting my fate in the Pacific.

It feels weird to be in this position where I could do my best to trigger an episode. Stop taking my medication, take an anti-depressant, and see!

Nothing in my old life feels meaningful to me. I don't know why people work or maintain or cling to their lives.

I'm sorry to write this.

I have bipolar I and my main issue is bipolar depression, but my psychiatrist only has me on one mood stabilizer for it. I’m worried that might not be enough. My psychiatrist is still pretty young and relatively inexperienced, so I’m kinda worried 😭

I think I’m going to sue my first psyche. The had diagnosed me with bipolar in April 2025 early April at that and I was given an antidepressant and was kept on it for 3 months … even tho I felt crazy on it & …. I had already been given a medication that I went into psychosis with which was what led to my diagnosis. I felt so crazy and terrible while on the antidepressant & they never even told me it bipolar I had to almost force it out of them after I read an article on bipolar and realized that was me 🧍‍♀️

I have been having a months-long manic episode that went from the fun kind to the angry, irritable kind. I also have borderline personality disorder which is relevant.

I basically decided that my cat doesn’t love me any more so I wanted to get rid of him. I talked to my therapist at the height of me being delusional and paranoid about my cat and she said something that made everything worse. I was telling her my cat only goes potty when my roommate is around and she said it’s because my roommate is my cat’s “person.”

I’ve taken some newly prescribed meds and have come down from whatever was making me want to get rid of my cat. But that comment threw me into constant doubt about whether he loves me more. He is my whole world and my reason for being alive and my therapist knew that so idk why she’d say what she said. I’m now analyzing how he behaves towards me vs my roommate.

Guess I’m just looking for advice on what to do. I don’t want to find a new therapist during a mental health crisis (again) but idk if I can move past that.

My boyfriend has twice tried to keep me awake when I was trying to sleep. Both times were the night before a very early work day (6:30 am WFH).

I kept asking him to not play music without headphones, to stop trying to engage me in conversation, to stop trying to rub my back. But he kept doing it until I snapped and whisper yelled at him.

I felt like breaking something but I didn’t and went to a hotel instead.

I feel like such a monster. The next day he minimized what he did and told me I needed to work on things to.

Yes, I know I need to break up with him. We don’t live together. Just venting. Love you guys!

Reposted with a higher effort title.

Anyone else not know they have a consumer medical report?

Apparently my ONE commitment to a psych ward last year was technically involuntary but after *that* I went directly voluntarily to an alcohol rehab.

And now the DMV had pulled my "consumer medical report" and I can no longer have a license without drug and alcohol testing.

I have NEVER had a dui or EVEN BEEN ARRESTED FOR A CRIME. It is LEGAL for me to drink if I want!!

But noooo, the fucking state is just gonna control every damn thing. 🙄

He’s following me again, he looked at me over the shelves at work today. He’s been gone for months, but now he’s back and I’m not scared of him I don’t know what I feel about this but I just want him to go away anyway

does anyone else have this problem like i know it’s not serious but when i’m seriously panicking or just acting impulsive ive been really trying to use my skills and i just feel so corny like i don’t want to write it down or put an ice cube on me. i still do them of course and it does help but i feel really pathetic after. ugggh i don’t know why maybe im so judgmental of everything, but i am curious if im the only one who is cringed out by it even when it’s absolutely necessary

Hello, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. I kind of forgot what my psychiatrist told me about my diagnosis.. I would love to be enlightened about it. What hypomanic or manic episodes are. I kind of have a hard time trying to digest about it. I sometimes think its not the right diagnosis for me.

While I do know bipolar functions differently for everyone, I would love to hear from other peoples explanation about bipolar 1. Thank you!

I've had very slight signs of an episode coming on for the last 3 days (maybe?). Yesterday I was hanging up paintings at 11 PM (I usually lay down at 9:30), the day before I just wasn't tired, and tonight I'm feeling kinda amped up - racing heart, slightly jittery (but I also had two medical appointments today and a social thing tonight with people I don't know).

I've had BP for over 20 years. I know my episodes. The problem is I ALWAYS wait too long to add meds. I generally have an episode every 6 months, and I let those first symptoms go on for 1-2 weeks because I dismiss them - and I eventually end up on leave or in the hospital. I keep promising myself and my doctor I'll act earlier. But he is unreachable for the next 8 days so I'm on my own.

Obviously I'm not looking for anyone to confirm it's an episode - but I am looking for opinions. What would you do? Seeing if there's a general consensus. Appreciate the input in advance!

So I have been on an AP for 3 or 4 years now. Within the last few months I get muscle spasms and jerks every now and again. I have an appt w my dr tmoro. This medicine keeps me sane so that I can function and work. Now im terrified that hes going to take me off it. Has anyone had a similar experience? I dont know what to do.

I’ve suspected PMDD for years. I can be stable and happy all month then the 10 days before my period starts I’m completely miserable. It gets worse the closer to my period it gets with the last 3 days being horrid.

For a while it was tolerable but now that I’m on half the dose of mood stabilizer I was on, it’s become intolerable.

I’ve tried speaking to my psychiatrist about it twice but she seems to think it’s not her problem which is weird because it is, and there are pre menstrual trackers in the lobby of her office. She said I need to speak to my gynecologist. Okay, fine.

I saw my new gyno yesterday. She said it definitely sounds like PMDD but because of bipolar and other diagnoses, she’s (RIGHTFULLY) uncomfortable prescribing me a second antidepressant to take for a week out of the month. She won’t do it, she said my psychiatrist needs to do it. Which I completely understand, I agree but I’M LOSING MY MIND AND TIRED OF THE BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN DIFFERENT DOCTORS.

Does anyone else take meds for a week once a month for their PMDD? I do not think it will make me manic as it’s only for one week a month. Last time I started to get manic it took 5 continuous weeks of daily use of a higher dose of my SNRI. Also, I know what to do if I start to get manic. I know it’s a risk but I’m sooo desperate, it can’t hurt to try. Also, suppressing my period isn’t an option for me - I mentally can’t handle hormonal birth control. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist in a few weeks to basically beg her to take this seriously because it IS as I get very close to being dangerously unwell. SOS!!!

Hello,

I had a manic episode years ago and it’s lead to this: im moving back in with my parents in my thirties. I feel like a failure and I’ve really struggled a lot. Has anyone else had to move back in with family in their thirties after an episode? How has that gone?

I've noticed that my depression is many times caused by financial issues. The problem is that I can't do anything about it if I'm depressed. My work is unstable and I don't earn a salary every month, and I owe my family a huge amount of money, so I get depressed as f*ck. However, I can't work more to make more money and resolve this because I'm depressed. I'm so frustrated.

I came up with this design idea for a tattoo to remind me of my battles and my victories.

I’m a person of color so I’ve already dealt with discrimination/racism in my life. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been way more discriminated for being bipolar. “You’re too dangerous to be around kids/people”. “Are you gonna put my life in danger”. “Are you just horny 24/7 now”.

I’m so lost guys. I got broken up with and then fired the next day. The guy was a hard drug user come to find out and was seeing another girl the whole time. And the job, they fired me no warning after 4 days of training saying first, that I wasn’t doing as good as they wanted me to be doing. And second, I had a super hard day and opened up to the manager about it and he said how much they care about their employees and that “there is always another shift” and that I could go home if I needed to. I stayed for half the shift but eventually left and everyone supported me in it because they knew. While the owner fired me he brought it up and used it against me. I was in shocked, the GM wouldn’t even look me in the face the whole time I was getting fired. I can’t even believe it. I’m just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen now. Or episode to begin.

When my bipolar 1 was getting really bad and I was experiencing bad dissociation and was "out of it", I didn't understand what was happening or if I was falling into psychosis - I was so scared that I was going to black out and wake up in a psychward. I wasn't sure how it felt to be psychotic. I had mania before but it was never like what it is now.

So I ended up on Reddit in this sub reddit losing my mind and constantly posting questions. I'd tell a story of what was happening to me.

I would get better, then it would all get bad again, and I would forget how I felt the last time, and I would put specific questions into google.

There was a few times I asked specific questions that led me to a Reddit post. I'd be reading along and go, "OMG. The same thing happened to me...this person and I are so a like...thank God someone has bipolar like me". And then I'd realized I had found my own post thorugh Google because I was just experiencing the same thing again.

So now, when you Google certain bipolar questions, my posts appear. Unfortunately not all my questions got answered and that's why I was likely searching for answers again.

I think it's kind of funny, but sincerely hope anyone else with the same issue finds solace they arent alone.

I just felt like sharing how silly this disorder is and how forgetful it can make you. Especially forgetting your own symptoms. 😂😅

In February I was in a psych ward laying on the floor playing with dust bunnies because I felt like it was the only thing that had equal worth to me.
Now this is my life :)
Never thought this would be possible, but I told myself that I will never give up. I will never be in one of those places again

How do you guys manage manic episodes? Iam going through this right now. I went off my meds because I was tired of side effects and ended in complete mania. I took my meds yesterday but I still feel irritable and agitated. I already went to the hospital but they sent me home.

Does anyone else feel permanently more stupid after manic episodes? I feel like I used to be so smart and I’d be so creative and write stories even when I wasn’t manic, and now I struggle with even articulating what I’m wanting to write and I can’t remember things as well anymore and this got more severe after a 6 month manic/psychotic episode. I’m medicated and doing great without episodes other than feeling a small overarching sense of boredom but it’s not severe or distressing me too much. Regardless, I’m starting school again and I’m proud of myself because I’ve dropped out 2x due to the excitement and anxiousness of a new era of going back to school and I think that’s what triggered my episodes both times while in college. I had one episode since starting my medication and instead of it being months long it was about 2 weeks of hypomania, one actual day of mania, 2 days of severe depression and then some rapid cycling and this was only a month long and it gave me the inspiration to go back to school knowing that my episodes seem to have drastically shortened duration while being medicated. Either way I have some anxiety wondering if I can get through because I feel like my brain function isn’t what it used to be. But I’m going to try. Im going to be 25 in a few days and I want to get a degree in environmental science. I just feel like I want to do something with my life and give 100% because I feel like life never been able to give my 100% in anything. Anyway just a rant, wish me luck :)

My bf tells me all the time that I’m not really bipolar even though I have had 2 manic with psychosis episodes that led to the hospital.

He’s been threatening to kick me out for over a year over things I do like talk to my brother or go to church.

He’s banned me from going to therapy bc I told her details of things he’s done to control me. And she said he’s actually the abusive one.He says I’m abusive, manipulative, and a gas lighter. That I am a POS for my alcoholism that I’m in recovery for but he won’t allow me to go to AA.

He changed the landlords phone number in my phone to a free text app that he has been responding to for over a year when I ask about my rights of being on the lease. He impersonated the landlord saying I would be kicked out if my bf ends his part of the lease. I confirmed that I can still be on the lease and since then I’ve been doing things independently and he’s been so upset.

I went to church, I got a cat, and I started putting makeup on to go to work- he says I am trying to be sexually appealing to my coworkers and patients. That’s not true, at the beginning of our relationship I was always ready and went to the gym I was happy and possibly a little hypomanic but I didn’t get to mania until months after what I think was controlling abusive behavior where he would keep me up until 4 am and I would have to go to work as a nurse on no sleep.

He constantly tells me I am worthless and that no one would love me like he does.

There’s so much more 😭 I don’t have much family support and anytime I get caught talking to my brother he shuts off my phone so I can’t get help from anyone.

But then when he gets over it he’s loving and calls me cute sweet names and does so much for me. It’s so confusing.

I’ve stranded my ground on being medicated even though he says the pills make me sick. I haven’t had another mania for 3 years bc I take medicine and was going to therapy weekly until he banned me.

My work knows what’s going on and I’ve filed for FMLA so when I don’t get sleep do to fights or just bipolar depression I won’t lose my job.

I want to leave but I am so trapped and don’t have money to just get a new place and he is refusing to go even though he can’t afford the rent by himself.

He says I have 2 weeks to get out or he will “expose” me as being an alcoholic/drug addict to my workplace and get my nursing license taken away.

I just bought a brand new kitten and he was so mad he tried to take her from me to take her to the pound. She’s a purebred ragdoll 😭I have 2 days off of work and I’m watching the baby kitty. I think I will have to ask friends at work to watch her while I am working my 12 hour shifts. I’m worried he will do something to her he’s really jealous of the cat.

I’m so scared

Everything is so dull. I’m so exhausted every single day. I can barely take care of myself. My dishes are piling up. I spent the last 4 days glued to my bed doing nothing but rotting away. My hair is a mess. I haven’t been taking good care of my teeth and skin. My stomach hurts every single moment. I’m so tired but I have no sleep schedule. Some days I sleep 16 hours. Some days only 4. Last night I was so anxious and depressed I didn’t sleep at all. I go to work in 15 minutes.

I haven’t done any readings for school in weeks and just skate by. I have midterms next week. No idea how those will go. I’m terrified of falling behind at my volunteer job but there are times I just put my head down on my desk, or wander around outside because I have no ability to focus.

My insurance has randomly rejected the claims for my meds and I’m all out. I have to drag myself to the pharmacy after work somehow, instead of racing home to my bed. I can’t just pay and pick them up because I am completely out of money. I can pay rent for November. I’m selling random belongings to pay for December. I applied for another job and must apply for others. I don’t know what I can do about the medical bill about to come down and crush my credit. I can’t ask for help because I’m so ashamed to be in this position. It’s all my own fault anyway.

I hate myself so much it’s all consuming. I know I’m stupid, horrifically ugly and I probably smell no matter how much I shower so I don’t see my friends. I sit far away from everyone on the train. I hide my face at work and school.

I saw my doctor last month and they didn’t have much to say. I can’t go again now because of my insurance. But just the idea of making a phone call feels like running a marathon. I have no patience or energy. I’m so close to the finish line for school but it’s all disappearing right in front of my eyes. I can’t give up hope, but I don’t know how I’ll make it.

So, people do some pretty dumb and terrible things when manic. Things they later regret. Things which are expensive and tedious and sometimes damn near impossible to reverse. I do such things in the form of getting tattoos which I later hate when I “come to” aka when my mania ends. I spend thousands of dollars getting these monstrosities lasered off and then…. The next episode hits and I do it all over again.

My last manic episode I stepped my game up and got an Amazon tattoo kit and basically scribbled on myself. Now in the removal process again. Sigh…

Anyone else do this when manic and or have stories or pics they wanna share?