I came up with this design idea for a tattoo to remind me of my battles and my victories.

The last few years have been tough, unstable, mainly depressed and self-hating....except for the weeks and months when I was high, ambitious, joyful, giddy, connected.

The last few months, I have been more stable. Picking up the pieces. Remembering the things I find joy in. Facing all the difficulties in building my life. And it feels like all my passion for life was drained out. I am not depressed right now. I just don't have the confidence to chase after my dreams.

It feels like the only thing I know how to do is be sick. I part of me craves getting high again, and not seeking care, and then...meeting my fate in the Pacific.

It feels weird to be in this position where I could do my best to trigger an episode. Stop taking my medication, take an anti-depressant, and see!

Nothing in my old life feels meaningful to me. I don't know why people work or maintain or cling to their lives.

I'm sorry to write this.

So I have been on an AP for 3 or 4 years now. Within the last few months I get muscle spasms and jerks every now and again. I have an appt w my dr tmoro. This medicine keeps me sane so that I can function and work. Now im terrified that hes going to take me off it. Has anyone had a similar experience? I dont know what to do.

I have bipolar I and my main issue is bipolar depression, but my psychiatrist only has me on one mood stabilizer for it. I’m worried that might not be enough. My psychiatrist is still pretty young and relatively inexperienced, so I’m kinda worried 😭

Reposted with a higher effort title.

Anyone else not know they have a consumer medical report?

Apparently my ONE commitment to a psych ward last year was technically involuntary but after *that* I went directly voluntarily to an alcohol rehab.

And now the DMV had pulled my "consumer medical report" and I can no longer have a license without drug and alcohol testing.

I have NEVER had a dui or EVEN BEEN ARRESTED FOR A CRIME. It is LEGAL for me to drink if I want!!

But noooo, the fucking state is just gonna control every damn thing. 🙄

How do you deal with the constant, unsatisfying hunger as a side effect of medication? I’m taking even less than the minimum dose, but this side effect is making me miserable. I can’t take the meds that could replace this one because of my prolactin levels.
I spend all day exercising and eating, and I end up crying because of it.
The overeating during the day has gotten so bad that it’s seriously interfering with my daily life. I’m preparing for an exam, but I end up overeating at all three meals until I’m practically out of breath.
I spend most of my day trying to digest all the food I’ve eaten, and the acid reflux makes me uncomfortable unless I walk for a long time. As a result, I can barely find time to study.
I don’t even want to eat, but I feel compelled to keep eating anyway. It’s so distressing that I end up in tears.

I had a situation where I genuinely couldn’t get my meds and went on a manic tailspin. I eventually got my meds. I did what I used to do when in an episode and hypersexual - I went on reddit and sexted people. I finally deleted that account after my episode.

She told me that we can reconnect only when I am truly healthy. I promised to her and she made me promise that I won’t change for her I will change for myself. She said the only way to make her unhurt is to make myself healthy.

I am in the process of channeling my guilt into a productive growth. I know this will take time. But I miss her so so so much. I love her so dearly and we were imagining and creating a future together. She said the worst part of this is that she can’t talk to me anymore. It is also the worst part for me.

Have any of you truly healed your relationship? Gone thru whatever process to become securely attached and not let the breach of trust create an unstable foundation in the relationship? How did it transpire for you? I need to hear your stories

He’s following me again, he looked at me over the shelves at work today. He’s been gone for months, but now he’s back and I’m not scared of him I don’t know what I feel about this but I just want him to go away anyway

Does anyone else feel permanently more stupid after manic episodes? I feel like I used to be so smart and I’d be so creative and write stories even when I wasn’t manic, and now I struggle with even articulating what I’m wanting to write and I can’t remember things as well anymore and this got more severe after a 6 month manic/psychotic episode. I’m medicated and doing great without episodes other than feeling a small overarching sense of boredom but it’s not severe or distressing me too much. Regardless, I’m starting school again and I’m proud of myself because I’ve dropped out 2x due to the excitement and anxiousness of a new era of going back to school and I think that’s what triggered my episodes both times while in college. I had one episode since starting my medication and instead of it being months long it was about 2 weeks of hypomania, one actual day of mania, 2 days of severe depression and then some rapid cycling and this was only a month long and it gave me the inspiration to go back to school knowing that my episodes seem to have drastically shortened duration while being medicated. Either way I have some anxiety wondering if I can get through because I feel like my brain function isn’t what it used to be. But I’m going to try. Im going to be 25 in a few days and I want to get a degree in environmental science. I just feel like I want to do something with my life and give 100% because I feel like life never been able to give my 100% in anything. Anyway just a rant, wish me luck :)

I’ve suspected PMDD for years. I can be stable and happy all month then the 10 days before my period starts I’m completely miserable. It gets worse the closer to my period it gets with the last 3 days being horrid.

For a while it was tolerable but now that I’m on half the dose of mood stabilizer I was on, it’s become intolerable.

I’ve tried speaking to my psychiatrist about it twice but she seems to think it’s not her problem which is weird because it is, and there are pre menstrual trackers in the lobby of her office. She said I need to speak to my gynecologist. Okay, fine.

I saw my new gyno yesterday. She said it definitely sounds like PMDD but because of bipolar and other diagnoses, she’s (RIGHTFULLY) uncomfortable prescribing me a second antidepressant to take for a week out of the month. She won’t do it, she said my psychiatrist needs to do it. Which I completely understand, I agree but I’M LOSING MY MIND AND TIRED OF THE BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN DIFFERENT DOCTORS.

Does anyone else take meds for a week once a month for their PMDD? I do not think it will make me manic as it’s only for one week a month. Last time I started to get manic it took 5 continuous weeks of daily use of a higher dose of my SNRI. Also, I know what to do if I start to get manic. I know it’s a risk but I’m sooo desperate, it can’t hurt to try. Also, suppressing my period isn’t an option for me - I mentally can’t handle hormonal birth control. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist in a few weeks to basically beg her to take this seriously because it IS as I get very close to being dangerously unwell. SOS!!!

In February I was in a psych ward laying on the floor playing with dust bunnies because I felt like it was the only thing that had equal worth to me.
Now this is my life :)
Never thought this would be possible, but I told myself that I will never give up. I will never be in one of those places again

I’m a person of color so I’ve already dealt with discrimination/racism in my life. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been way more discriminated for being bipolar. “You’re too dangerous to be around kids/people”. “Are you gonna put my life in danger”. “Are you just horny 24/7 now”.

I recently started dating my boyfriend about a month ago, i was in a manic episode and things were great, i developed feelings quickly and he did too then eventually asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Now im in a depressed episode and no matter what i or he does im convinced he is going to leave me because I am bipolar, I have talked to him about it and asked him to even do his research on what its like dating someone who is bipolar, ive been self destructive, constantly anxious i am not enough and that I am too much, my drinking has also spiraled, and im even more unstable when I drink, I had a bad meltdown the other day where I completely lost it and became violent towards myself. My boyfriend didn’t break up with me but I can tell there has been a shift, im so embarrassed and i hate myself so bad for it, why do i have to be this way, how do you guys manage dating when you hate yourself so much, and is it even good for you? Im debating if I jumped the gun on this relationship but I also cant tell if that is yet another form of self-sabotage. Dont know what to do feeling that I destroyed yet another relationship bc i cant manage my illness or my drinking

It started a year ago when I had hard hallucinations for the first time. For some reason watching youtubers being on edge from monsters and jumpscares really comforts me and I fall asleep really fast. Wake up to the really load jumpscares then go back to sleep.

Anyone else like this? Explanations? Am i weird? Lol

I love watching outer middle show/madd vladd

I have struggled with this for years and I can't seem to find a good outlet. How do you all cope with this? Even if I'm not manic I still have such a high sex drive. It causes me to put myself in dangerous situations at times. Thanks for your help.

I have been having a months-long manic episode that went from the fun kind to the angry, irritable kind. I also have borderline personality disorder which is relevant.

I basically decided that my cat doesn’t love me any more so I wanted to get rid of him. I talked to my therapist at the height of me being delusional and paranoid about my cat and she said something that made everything worse. I was telling her my cat only goes potty when my roommate is around and she said it’s because my roommate is my cat’s “person.”

I’ve taken some newly prescribed meds and have come down from whatever was making me want to get rid of my cat. But that comment threw me into constant doubt about whether he loves me more. He is my whole world and my reason for being alive and my therapist knew that so idk why she’d say what she said. I’m now analyzing how he behaves towards me vs my roommate.

Guess I’m just looking for advice on what to do. I don’t want to find a new therapist during a mental health crisis (again) but idk if I can move past that.

My boyfriend has twice tried to keep me awake when I was trying to sleep. Both times were the night before a very early work day (6:30 am WFH).

I kept asking him to not play music without headphones, to stop trying to engage me in conversation, to stop trying to rub my back. But he kept doing it until I snapped and whisper yelled at him.

I felt like breaking something but I didn’t and went to a hotel instead.

I feel like such a monster. The next day he minimized what he did and told me I needed to work on things to.

Yes, I know I need to break up with him. We don’t live together. Just venting. Love you guys!

does anyone else have this problem like i know it’s not serious but when i’m seriously panicking or just acting impulsive ive been really trying to use my skills and i just feel so corny like i don’t want to write it down or put an ice cube on me. i still do them of course and it does help but i feel really pathetic after. ugggh i don’t know why maybe im so judgmental of everything, but i am curious if im the only one who is cringed out by it even when it’s absolutely necessary

Hello, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. I kind of forgot what my psychiatrist told me about my diagnosis.. I would love to be enlightened about it. What hypomanic or manic episodes are. I kind of have a hard time trying to digest about it. I sometimes think its not the right diagnosis for me.

While I do know bipolar functions differently for everyone, I would love to hear from other peoples explanation about bipolar 1. Thank you!

I've had very slight signs of an episode coming on for the last 3 days (maybe?). Yesterday I was hanging up paintings at 11 PM (I usually lay down at 9:30), the day before I just wasn't tired, and tonight I'm feeling kinda amped up - racing heart, slightly jittery (but I also had two medical appointments today and a social thing tonight with people I don't know).

I've had BP for over 20 years. I know my episodes. The problem is I ALWAYS wait too long to add meds. I generally have an episode every 6 months, and I let those first symptoms go on for 1-2 weeks because I dismiss them - and I eventually end up on leave or in the hospital. I keep promising myself and my doctor I'll act earlier. But he is unreachable for the next 8 days so I'm on my own.

Obviously I'm not looking for anyone to confirm it's an episode - but I am looking for opinions. What would you do? Seeing if there's a general consensus. Appreciate the input in advance!

Hello,

I had a manic episode years ago and it’s lead to this: im moving back in with my parents in my thirties. I feel like a failure and I’ve really struggled a lot. Has anyone else had to move back in with family in their thirties after an episode? How has that gone?

I’m so lost guys. I got broken up with and then fired the next day. The guy was a hard drug user come to find out and was seeing another girl the whole time. And the job, they fired me no warning after 4 days of training saying first, that I wasn’t doing as good as they wanted me to be doing. And second, I had a super hard day and opened up to the manager about it and he said how much they care about their employees and that “there is always another shift” and that I could go home if I needed to. I stayed for half the shift but eventually left and everyone supported me in it because they knew. While the owner fired me he brought it up and used it against me. I was in shocked, the GM wouldn’t even look me in the face the whole time I was getting fired. I can’t even believe it. I’m just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen now. Or episode to begin.

When my bipolar 1 was getting really bad and I was experiencing bad dissociation and was "out of it", I didn't understand what was happening or if I was falling into psychosis - I was so scared that I was going to black out and wake up in a psychward. I wasn't sure how it felt to be psychotic. I had mania before but it was never like what it is now.

So I ended up on Reddit in this sub reddit losing my mind and constantly posting questions. I'd tell a story of what was happening to me.

I would get better, then it would all get bad again, and I would forget how I felt the last time, and I would put specific questions into google.

There was a few times I asked specific questions that led me to a Reddit post. I'd be reading along and go, "OMG. The same thing happened to me...this person and I are so a like...thank God someone has bipolar like me". And then I'd realized I had found my own post thorugh Google because I was just experiencing the same thing again.

So now, when you Google certain bipolar questions, my posts appear. Unfortunately not all my questions got answered and that's why I was likely searching for answers again.

I think it's kind of funny, but sincerely hope anyone else with the same issue finds solace they arent alone.

I just felt like sharing how silly this disorder is and how forgetful it can make you. Especially forgetting your own symptoms. 😂😅

How do you guys manage manic episodes? Iam going through this right now. I went off my meds because I was tired of side effects and ended in complete mania. I took my meds yesterday but I still feel irritable and agitated. I already went to the hospital but they sent me home.