In February I was in a psych ward laying on the floor playing with dust bunnies because I felt like it was the only thing that had equal worth to me.
Now this is my life :)
Never thought this would be possible, but I told myself that I will never give up. I will never be in one of those places again

How do you deal with the constant, unsatisfying hunger as a side effect of medication? I’m taking even less than the minimum dose, but this side effect is making me miserable. I can’t take the meds that could replace this one because of my prolactin levels.
I spend all day exercising and eating, and I end up crying because of it.
The overeating during the day has gotten so bad that it’s seriously interfering with my daily life. I’m preparing for an exam, but I end up overeating at all three meals until I’m practically out of breath.
I spend most of my day trying to digest all the food I’ve eaten, and the acid reflux makes me uncomfortable unless I walk for a long time. As a result, I can barely find time to study.
I don’t even want to eat, but I feel compelled to keep eating anyway. It’s so distressing that I end up in tears.

I feel like my whole life has revolved around relationships and being in love, I feel like I lose everything to love, but without it life feels so empty and meaningless. I can’t stop. But it’s genuinely ruined my life over and over and over again because I put my whole identity and worth and life on my partner and it just goes up in flames everytime and it’s so heartbreaking everytime. I’m so sick of the cycle but I can’t stop and I don’t know if it’s because im bipolar or if it’s just me. It’s like I have a need to feel loved or else im not worth anything at all

2026 has been the toughest year of my life so far.

Which is saying something. Coming from life of trauma.

March - Car Accident
June - Surgery
July - Ended 10 year relationship
September - My Dog died
November - Moving back home

Through all of this I lost my insurance. I haven’t had therapy or any of my 11 medications in 4 months.

I’m barely surviving. I know I’m not making the best decisions.

The break up didn’t have to happen. She been with me through many manic episodes and a in patient stay.

I walked away feeling like I was sparing her the downfall I know will happen soon. I love her to much to put her through any more trauma.

But I couldn’t continue. I’m numb.

I feel like I’m on auto pilot.

I have bipolar 1
Anxiety
Depression
PTSD
OCD
ADHD

I am also I self harmer.

I was on State insurance but wasn’t able to keep up with the increased payments. I was out of work for 3 months this year alone.

I tried to get on my works insurance but didn’t have a qualifying life event.

I hope once I move back home. I can get help ASAP. Before the downfall happens.

Has anyone been this long without any medications or therapy??

Been applying to jobs for a year, all my friends moved out, had 2 startups scam me. Coming off of the worst antidepressant (yk which one) and cold turkey the plant, every passing moment feels like hell. Hypomanic and fucking burnt out, restlessness is the only emotion I feel when I am awake, navigating a mixed episode. Zoned out the entire day, depersonalization most of the time. Mood stabilizers sent me to psych ER. Antipsychotics finally helping me sleep but I feel so jaded. Trying to stay active and keep my sanity but disappointments keep stacking up. Some problems I created myself, some my doctor created by putting me on SSRIs and SNRIs.

Thing is, I am driven as fuck but end up doing embarassing shit all the time. I am not a victim, not trying to be one but it feels like an uphill battle. I know I am good at what I do, peers who praise my work as amazing are the ones with jobs. I have no idea why I can't get hired. The market isn't helping, all fucked up experiences. Working my best to hold my grip on reality when I am the only one in my entire friend group without a full-time job. People are living their lives, I am in my thirties with fucking decade of exp in my field and told multiple times either I am too senior or too junior, fighting for crumbs, entering debt bc I'm unable to control my spending, watching my life fall apart.

Had to go to a community clinic to be prescribed. Most of my friends have moved on with their lives while I wait here staring at rejection emails. I wish I wasn't this sensitive to my surroundings, my brain does olympics with everything, when I am not applying to jobs or working towards something, I fucking blame myself and feel guilty. Self-love only takes you so far. I wish there was a better support system where I don't feel like I am begging for 10 minutes of my friends' time for support. I was there for them, every single time they had problems they came to me but now no one responds even to my basic messages.

Rant over.

I feel awful. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything right now. I hurt everywhere.
I feel hot and cold. I can’t stop thinking about all the stuff I need to get done from filing my nails to doing laundry to doing my work. I can’t do anything.
My stomach hurts. I didn’t sleep at all last night. My chest feels tight.
I managed to take a shower and brush my teeth but I just can’t turn my brain off.
Help?

I have struggled with this for years and I can't seem to find a good outlet. How do you all cope with this? Even if I'm not manic I still have such a high sex drive. It causes me to put myself in dangerous situations at times. Thanks for your help.

Retiring after this year. Also I’m a musician and a top call jazz musician in the region. I’m burned out from teaching music. And sick of the students. I have no empathy. A bit narcissist. Maybe covert narcissist. I want to be done with all the music. I’m gonna quit all the groups I’m in because I’m tired of the people involved. Not sure what I’m going to do next year. Don’t want to be involved with music at all even though it’s all I am my whole life.

My boyfriend has twice tried to keep me awake when I was trying to sleep. Both times were the night before a very early work day (6:30 am WFH).

I kept asking him to not play music without headphones, to stop trying to engage me in conversation, to stop trying to rub my back. But he kept doing it until I snapped and whisper yelled at him.

I felt like breaking something but I didn’t and went to a hotel instead.

I feel like such a monster. The next day he minimized what he did and told me I needed to work on things to.

Yes, I know I need to break up with him. We don’t live together. Just venting. Love you guys!

Reposted with a higher effort title.

Anyone else not know they have a consumer medical report?

Apparently my ONE commitment to a psych ward last year was technically involuntary but after *that* I went directly voluntarily to an alcohol rehab.

And now the DMV had pulled my "consumer medical report" and I can no longer have a license without drug and alcohol testing.

I have NEVER had a dui or EVEN BEEN ARRESTED FOR A CRIME. It is LEGAL for me to drink if I want!!

But noooo, the fucking state is just gonna control every damn thing. 🙄

It started a year ago when I had hard hallucinations for the first time. For some reason watching youtubers being on edge from monsters and jumpscares really comforts me and I fall asleep really fast. Wake up to the really load jumpscares then go back to sleep.

Anyone else like this? Explanations? Am i weird? Lol

I love watching outer middle show/madd vladd

I’m a person of color so I’ve already dealt with discrimination/racism in my life. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been way more discriminated for being bipolar. “You’re too dangerous to be around kids/people”. “Are you gonna put my life in danger”. “Are you just horny 24/7 now”.

I have been having a months-long manic episode that went from the fun kind to the angry, irritable kind. I also have borderline personality disorder which is relevant.

I basically decided that my cat doesn’t love me any more so I wanted to get rid of him. I talked to my therapist at the height of me being delusional and paranoid about my cat and she said something that made everything worse. I was telling her my cat only goes potty when my roommate is around and she said it’s because my roommate is my cat’s “person.”

I’ve taken some newly prescribed meds and have come down from whatever was making me want to get rid of my cat. But that comment threw me into constant doubt about whether he loves me more. He is my whole world and my reason for being alive and my therapist knew that so idk why she’d say what she said. I’m now analyzing how he behaves towards me vs my roommate.

Guess I’m just looking for advice on what to do. I don’t want to find a new therapist during a mental health crisis (again) but idk if I can move past that.

(Actively working with care team)

So while I haven't been diagnosed YET it is highly being considered and I'm already being medicated. I have a family history of Bipolar, both my mother and grandmother had it. While I love my mother, my previous mental health struggles causes me to worry about going to her for advice. I recently had what I assume to be a manic episode, over 2 weeks of barely any sleep, energy for days, a drive to do things an interact with people and life, feeling like I was on top of the world. And as my friends would say? A heavily inflated Ego. (This is just a basic run down of how I was feeling and such, not a full description)

While now I feel like a mess again I was just wondering if anyone had any advice for someone who will likely get diagnosed very soon as my therapist has made notes of the supposed manic episode and is cluing in my psychiatrist on it. I want to be as healthy as I can be, to do things right and not fall into past habits. I've made progress in therapy but I just, I feel like I need advice from people who have lived with it. Perhaps how I can get the diagnosis sped along? or just how to live with Bipolar or similar conditions.

I thank anyone who reaches out with some advice or anything of the sort, I will take any help I can get! I wish all of you a fantastic day and or night depending on who and when you're reading!

Hi i had my first manic episode a couple months ago, and i did and said things i deeply regret and feel guilty about.

How do you bear with the aftermath of it all (like regret, embarrassment and guilt)

Does anyone else feel permanently more stupid after manic episodes? I feel like I used to be so smart and I’d be so creative and write stories even when I wasn’t manic, and now I struggle with even articulating what I’m wanting to write and I can’t remember things as well anymore and this got more severe after a 6 month manic/psychotic episode. I’m medicated and doing great without episodes other than feeling a small overarching sense of boredom but it’s not severe or distressing me too much. Regardless, I’m starting school again and I’m proud of myself because I’ve dropped out 2x due to the excitement and anxiousness of a new era of going back to school and I think that’s what triggered my episodes both times while in college. I had one episode since starting my medication and instead of it being months long it was about 2 weeks of hypomania, one actual day of mania, 2 days of severe depression and then some rapid cycling and this was only a month long and it gave me the inspiration to go back to school knowing that my episodes seem to have drastically shortened duration while being medicated. Either way I have some anxiety wondering if I can get through because I feel like my brain function isn’t what it used to be. But I’m going to try. Im going to be 25 in a few days and I want to get a degree in environmental science. I just feel like I want to do something with my life and give 100% because I feel like life never been able to give my 100% in anything. Anyway just a rant, wish me luck :)

I’m going to school right now and one of my classmates is claiming to be bipolar. Her reason she’s having trouble sleeping but still feels okay. She’s barely knows the symptoms and when I brought some of them up she was trying to fit them. She says she’s at least must have bipolar 2 and she’s hypomanic. Like hypomania is more then not sleeping well, its irritability, feeling invisible, impaired judgement, euphoria, spending all your money that kind of thing. Like I know it’s not place to gait keep but it’s like why the fuck are trying to have to bipolar. Nobody wants to have bipolar. It’s fucking hell. I made comments when she was describing her symptoms “that’s not what bipolar is”. Now she’s mad at me. Like stfu I live with this illness everyday and it has ruined my life many times. She doesn’t know i have bipolar and I don’t plan on telling her.

With bipolar I ended up laughing for hours and when someone spoke to me I wanted to latch on in anger to them like unleash something bad.felt alot of energy mania and did alot of things mind overthinking racing and thinking not in reality. But I feel better with it now on antipsychotics antidepressants,anxiety meds probably a mood stabilizer and adhd meds but bipolar is a mental draining and not worth it to play with brain chemicals I feel better now being normal. I keep laughing for no reason and get angry and sad with mania and thinking a lot so many things on top of it bipolar is bad. So many racing thoughts and thoughts that are not in reality thoughts that I don’t understand. It’s gotten better with my meds so I feel way much better.

I came up with this design idea for a tattoo to remind me of my battles and my victories.

I know that I am manic right now, but I am wanting to cheat on my husband. Every once in a while I have thoughts, but this is so intense. Like how I’m feeling is amplified and my needs aren’t being met and I want to find it elsewhere.
My partner and I have had ups and downs in our relationship (especially before I was diagnosed) but we don’t fight. Before I was diagnosed I used to pick at everything in our relationship but now I don’t. Anyways, now we don’t fight at all.
Last year we split up for 4 months, and around month 2, i had been hyper manic and tripped on shrooms and went into a religious psychosis. he was there for me the whole time when we broke up. Even when I was out of my mind and tried to make him hate me. I was the one who wanted the break and he was in my life whether I wanted him to be or not. He’s always been my rock. He’s emotionally stable and helps pull me back to earth

The only heavy discussions we have is about our sex life. I have talked to him many times, and when I do he just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Like at all. And it bugs the f out of me. What I have learned is that he shuts down in heavy conversations and never says how he feels. Like I’ve even played the quiet game after these talks to see if he would say something but he says nothing except for that he’s sorry and that he’ll try harder.
I’ve just never been in a relationship where I don’t do it at least once a day. We do it NOW 1or 2x a week maybe 3 if I’m lucky. It use to be almost two weeks before we did it. It drove me crazy. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t want me, but when I say that to him, he says he does, but I don’t believe him. It just sucks having this feeling.
And it’s not like we’ve been together for 10 years. It’s only been 4. And he barely touches me or compliments me. When we first got together it wasn’t like this. I’m only 26 and I don’t want my sex life to dry up. He also rarely initiates. He’s gotten a little and I mean a little better. I got to where I don’t initiate that often anymore because I feel like if he wanted to he would. I just feel like we’re best friends who love each other and like we’re roommates sometimes. I’ve told him this too. And he says it’s not like that. If it’s not that, he’s getting it somewhere else and that bugs me too.

I just really want to download Snapchat again and talk to my hoes lmao. That’s so bad and I feel guilty for feeling this way. It just sucks.
Thanks for reading my diary

My bf tells me all the time that I’m not really bipolar even though I have had 2 manic with psychosis episodes that led to the hospital.

He’s been threatening to kick me out for over a year over things I do like talk to my brother or go to church.

He’s banned me from going to therapy bc I told her details of things he’s done to control me. And she said he’s actually the abusive one.He says I’m abusive, manipulative, and a gas lighter. That I am a POS for my alcoholism that I’m in recovery for but he won’t allow me to go to AA.

He changed the landlords phone number in my phone to a free text app that he has been responding to for over a year when I ask about my rights of being on the lease. He impersonated the landlord saying I would be kicked out if my bf ends his part of the lease. I confirmed that I can still be on the lease and since then I’ve been doing things independently and he’s been so upset.

I went to church, I got a cat, and I started putting makeup on to go to work- he says I am trying to be sexually appealing to my coworkers and patients. That’s not true, at the beginning of our relationship I was always ready and went to the gym I was happy and possibly a little hypomanic but I didn’t get to mania until months after what I think was controlling abusive behavior where he would keep me up until 4 am and I would have to go to work as a nurse on no sleep.

He constantly tells me I am worthless and that no one would love me like he does.

There’s so much more 😭 I don’t have much family support and anytime I get caught talking to my brother he shuts off my phone so I can’t get help from anyone.

But then when he gets over it he’s loving and calls me cute sweet names and does so much for me. It’s so confusing.

I’ve stranded my ground on being medicated even though he says the pills make me sick. I haven’t had another mania for 3 years bc I take medicine and was going to therapy weekly until he banned me.

My work knows what’s going on and I’ve filed for FMLA so when I don’t get sleep do to fights or just bipolar depression I won’t lose my job.

I want to leave but I am so trapped and don’t have money to just get a new place and he is refusing to go even though he can’t afford the rent by himself.

He says I have 2 weeks to get out or he will “expose” me as being an alcoholic/drug addict to my workplace and get my nursing license taken away.

I just bought a brand new kitten and he was so mad he tried to take her from me to take her to the pound. She’s a purebred ragdoll 😭I have 2 days off of work and I’m watching the baby kitty. I think I will have to ask friends at work to watch her while I am working my 12 hour shifts. I’m worried he will do something to her he’s really jealous of the cat.

I’m so scared