My boyfriend ate the last slice of pizza last night. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is to me.

I've been trying to lose weight, and my boyfriend makes it so hard in a few ways. He brings me home fast food all the time, even after I asked him not to because I want to lose weight. When we order food, he often asks if I really want what I just ordered, if I want to get a bigger size, am I sure I don't want more food, etc. I let him know that when I order food, I order what I want, and that his questioning my order every time puts pressure on me to order differently or order more when I don't want that.

To save money/ eat better, I cook a lot. In fact, I do 100% of the cooking and 90% of the cleaning. I make him lunches for work too, to save money (he will just buy whatever fast food if I don't pack him lunch, costing us money). I know our budget well enough that I know I can't eat out every day. In fact, I rarely treat myself to fast food. 

So now we get to the pizza. 

He bought a whole pizza for his coworkers this weekend. Okay, we can't afford it and I've been out of vitamins for a month, but fine. He got a second pizza just for us. He asked what kind I wanted. I said cheese. He asked if I wanted pepperoni or combo instead. I told him that I will eat whatever makes him happy if he doesn't want cheese. He got the cheese.

He brought it home and I ate two slices (I was starving and too tired to cook that day). I was so so grateful for the pizza. 

The next morning, there are only two slices left (of 16 total on a costco pizza) I eat one, and think about the other. I was craving cheese pizza for weeks now, and I wanted to actually enjoy more of the pizza he got. He already ate most of it. I resist, and cook myself healthier stuff, saving that last cheese slice for my breakfast today. 

Last night, I made my boyfriend 4 burritos and 5 taquitos covered in cheese and enchilada sauce. He then ate doritos. Then, at 3am, I look over, and he woke up and is eating the last slice of cheese pizza. And all I could think about is how I resisted eating more than I needed before, but how my fear came true. He bought a pizza for us but ate most of it himself. 

He eats so much that I found myself running out of my home cooked healthy meals in one night when normally that meal would last me 4 days or more. What really sucks is that if I don't eat fast enough, he eats most of what I worked hard to prepare. It pushes me to eat more in the rightful fear that my delicious healthy feast would be gone if I don't. I also get that fear with the rare occasions I get to eat out.

I have been resisting that fearful eating more and I've been losing weight for a year now. But damn, I cried when he ate that last slice of cheese pizza.

My husband and I had purchased concert tickets and an upgraded meet and greet package for one of our favorite artists back in the spring. We’ve been looking forward to this for over 6 months. PTO was taken, the kids went to grandmas, we booked a hotel, drove 4 hours. When I tell you I was so excited, like little kid on Christmas Eve excitement.
We went to dinner and had drinks at the restaurant, followed by more drinks at the venue. We are in our early 30’s, I drink occasionally at social events and I thought that I knew my limit. Somehow things went from good to terribly wrong within 15 minutes. Also really not sure why I was wanting to drink so much - maybe the excitement or nerves?
My husband waited in the merchandise line to grab us T shirts before they sold out so he ended up missing the start of the concert. By the time he came to meet me, I had to pee and the trip to the bathroom hit me like a ton of bricks. I was spinning, throwing up, almost laying on the disgusting bathroom floor.
I just continued to get sicker and my husband had to carry me back to our hotel. I pretty much blacked out at that point and I woke up at 2 AM devastated when I realized what had happened. I couldn’t believe I didn’t get to meet one of my favs, the fact that we wasted all that money on the unused meet and greets, ruined my husbands night and the fact that we were right there but couldn’t make it happen after everything we planned.

This all happened Friday night and I can’t shake this feeling of being down and just replaying what happened over and over again. Why did I get the last drink?! I’ve never had anything like this happen. I’m so blessed that my husband isn’t upset with me but I am so upset with myself and don’t know how to shake this feeling. I was scheduled to work today but called off because everyone is going to be expecting to see pictures and videos and I have nothing but this pathetic story.

The year started with me being falsely arrested back in January, for a crime I did not commit, in a city/county I had not been in for months. A police officer falsely identified me as being behind the wheel of a car he had stopped. They didn’t actually investigate anything, there was a knock on my door and I was arrested on a warrant the officer put out. I spent 8 days in jail and this whole thing lingered until August when charges were filed against me, and I was able to finally see the body cam footage to prove it wasn’t me. The charges were dropped because I have visible tattoos on my arm that the driver did not, there was no apology or admission of wrongdoing by the department or prosecution office.

2 weeks after my release my mom found my grandma in the bathroom unresponsive and foaming out the mouth. She had 2 emergency surgeries, the doctors did not think she would make it but she did, 3 months of being in the hospital and going through physical therapy she was finally able to go home and I was the one who was helping her get around the house but 5 days after she had gotten back I fell and broke my leg and dislocated my ankle. I am just now getting better enough to walk on my own but still have lingering pain in my ankle and my leg swells up when I am up too long. My grandma doesn’t get up and move around like she should and I feel it’s partially my fault because I am not helping her move around. The bills are piling up and I can’t even afford to go to my doctor’s appointments anymore so I had to cancel them.

Honestly everything has been downhill since 2023. There was a random shooting outside of my apartment and I got lucky because the stray bullets that were going to end up in my room hit the AC unit instead and didn’t go all the way through. I really just needed a place to vent, I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about everything, so to anyone who reads this, thank you.

I couldn’t handle the toxic environment anymore. I became a target and just couldn’t take the pressure. I should’ve waited until the start of November so I could keep my insurance but I couldn’t do it. I feel so stupid and broken. I should feel happy but I don’t, I feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

I know this isn’t interesting, I’m just really hurt.

My best friend of 15 years has had horrible choices in men. I am not talking oh he’s a little mean no. I’m talking serial cheaters, physical abusers, very bad men.

The newest guy she dated for a year in 2020 until she caught him cheating and he gave her chlamydia. She decided to give him another chance a little over a year ago. They moved in together in August. She moved to his state (3 states away/16 hours away)

She found out about 2ish months ago that he had been cheating the entire time. With over 30 women (no I am not exaggerating) paying women for sex, going to strip clubs and then begging women for conversation on Instagram. He has given her BV over 10 times, an array of other stds and now genital herpes. He is also in over $100,000 in debt paying for luxurious vacations he cannot afford and he currently has no job. (If you’re wondering these vacations have been planned so that my friend cannot attend but he invites other women and she is expected to be okay with that)

Like all the other times, she is rightfully inconsolable. I took a week of work off to fly to see her. I helped her pick up all of the pieces, I cooked for her, helped her shower, help her move his things into their guest bedroom, etc. I of course wanted to do this for my best friend.

Come to find out, after I flew home he went to their house to talk to her. She forgave him for everything immediately, believed that he would change and let him stay.

Well now we are here, and she is now pregnant. She is freaking out because he is staying in another state for the next 3 months for “work” and she is inconsolable and is asking me to come down to help her process everything.

I want to be there for her I really do, but we are both 30 now. I am married and have a child of my own now. The last 15 years has been me dropping everything to be there for her and when I have really needed a friend she wouldn’t even pick up the phone. I want to be there for her but I am so tired.

I am writing this here instead of confronting who this is actually about because I am getting my period soon and I don't know if the intense resentment I feel will last or if it is even accurate.

Fuck you.

We were in a committed relationship for years. They weren't the best, they weren't the worst. We just couldn't be the person the other needed. It was sad, devastating even but as is life. You roll with the punches. We still had a lease together so we decided to live together despite no longer being together.
As soon as he felt comfortable, he was outside doing god knows what in these streets. He said he didn't like the club scene while we were together. That's exactly where he was after we were no longer together. Going out for drinks with coworkers, making out with randos in bars and restaurants. Slept with others. He didn't rack up bodies (to my knowledge) but was out enough.

I wasn't. I was at home drowning my sorrows but that's the typical story right? The girl cries her eyes out for weeks and mourns the relationship while he fills his time with distractions until they don't fill the void anymore.

After our breakup, if felt so wrong to move on. How could I go out and share an intimate moment with another if we are still coming home together? How could I ever look at the man I had wanted to marry after being with someone else? This is how I felt. He didn't feel this way at the time. And if he did, it didn't hurt him enough to change what he was doing. I told him I didn't want to move on (not the best thing to say, I will admit) and that I will not be dating or going out. Our relationship was a bit messy and maybe toxic while together. Broken up we were incredibly messy and toxic to each other. I eventually told him if he fucked someone else, I was done with the relationship (more mentally) and would be moving on. Well, as you read above, he did that.

I went on 1 date. 1 date.

He demanded I tell him who I went on a date with. I refused. He put his fucking hands on me. He grabbed me and pushed me around. He choked me. He broke a door. He left bruises on my arms, chest and neck. The bruises stayed on my fucking body for 3 weeks. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday. For weeks. And see what he did to me.

He was incredibly remorseful. He hated himself. He couldn't stand to see the bruises or the broken door. It's like a switch flicked in his head. He began to work on himself. He's trying to be less egotistical. He got a therapist. Stopped drinking. Doesn't vape anymore. Looking for a psychiatrist. Filling his days with the gym, meal prepping and friends. He's trying to be a better person.

I am so incredibly happy to see this. Ecstatic. Over the moon. This is the man I was with and who I wanted to marry. God, I am so happy to see him grow into a person I know he can be proud of.

But the cost of him getting here was me. ME. My sanity.

I lived with bruises for 3 weeks. I had to hide them with makeup and long sleeves. The nightmares. The daydreams filled with the horrors. I had to live in the house with the holes in doors while he got to leave and move into his own place. I had to be reminded every single day what he did to me. I can't watch or listen to any true crime without getting scared, nauseous or getting memories. Not even silly little tiktoks about the subjects. I can't talk about this event without crying and hyperventilating. I get incredibly scared around angry men. I hate myself for freezing and not fighting back when he left me those bruises. I feel weak. I can't talk about this to my friends because I don't want the questions the "did you call the cops?", "did you take any pictures?", "are you okay omgggg???", "do you want me to hurt him?".

I can't. I can barely deal with my own emotions about this; I can't deal with anyone else's. I told my therapist. That's about it.

I'm not going to do this because I still have some respect for him (look plz don't judge me okay- tough situation)

But fuck I want everyone to know what you did to me. I want every single one of your friends to know why we aren't trying to fix things. I want every girl you ever date to know what you are capable of. You are not what you did, you just did the bad thing. But you still did it. TO ME. I want everyone to know why you are so nice now. Why you are so patient. Why you go out of your way to do nice things for people. I want everyone to understand you are changing because you showed yourself and me how truly ugly of a thing you could do. I want people to see that pictures of the faded bruises I eventually took. Took me a couple weeks to even get the courage to do that.

I wanted the man you are becoming. I wanted him. I wanted to be loved by the best version of you. The kind, patient, loving, respectful and understanding version of you. I wanted the you who didn't automatically put himself first. I wanted you to hold me and caress me like I was made of fine china, trusting that you would never hurt or drop me.

I am jealous and selfish. I know I said wanted up there but fuck, I want. I want this version of you for me. I want to say that is my man who I am so proud to be next to. I didn't need anymore trauma. I want my pain and suffering to have been for a fucking reason.

I am glad you're getting better. But the cost of admission was me. So here I am, just working through substance abuse. Trying to focus on me and what I need to do to be a better version of myself. There's just so much in my head.

I don't know how I feel about anything.

I don't want to get in the way of your healing so you never ever ever fucking do this to someone else ever again. That's why I am writing this here.

Honestly I lack complete discipline. I have no discipline whatsoever when it comes to weight loss and just need to vent about it. I’m curvy and everyone around me says there’s nothing wrong with me (except my mum) but I just want to lose weight. I struggle with my mental health so I guess maybe it’s overwhelming to think of all the things to do ? I dunno I think it’s purely lack of discipline.

I’m a late bloomer and struggled socially as a kid. At 30 years old, I made it a point to make sure I formed more meaningful platonic relationships, as my life was revolving around romantic relationships. After my last relationship recently ended, I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and push myself to get out there to make friends after realizing my support system is basically non existent and all I had was my romantic partner. It has been a nightmare.

I’m not socially anxious, I just can be shy like I imagine most people are. As a man though, it has been utterly exhausting going to meet new people and meeting the following types of people:

1. Other men who just want to have a dick measuring contest about how manly they are. Not interested in spending an entire evening hearing about how many women you ‘pull’, or how many hours you work to be on that ‘grind’.

2. Women who think I’m trying to hit on them. I’m not going up to strangers in random places, I’m going to specific ‘meet ups’ labeled for making friends. I almost feel like I need to say ‘hi, I’m Rickayy_OG, I’m not trying to hit on you just trying to make friends’. I’m not blaming women at all, since there are a lot of predatory men out there, but it sucks to navigate nonetheless.

3. Socially awkward people who you have to interview to get basic info from them. I get they are at places to meet people too and have good intentions, but it sucks to basically be in an interview with someone because they can’t have a basic back and forth conversation.

I want to make friends so I don’t spend all my time alone. We live in such an anti social world filled with rage baiters, attention seekers, and fakers who don’t actually want to form meaningful relationships. Shit; even on Reddit forums it feels like it’s just rampant with AI profiles collecting info from people for their bots.

I’m obviously going to keep putting myself out there to find my people, but it’s exhausting sometimes! I don’t want to be best friends with my coworkers, I don’t want to keep going to meet ups that just feel like a bunch of anxious people in a room trying to make it work. I just want to make some friends to drink beers with, go on hikes and just talk.

Oh well, onwards and upwards I suppose!

I'm 20 years old and I am so tired of being angry

My parents divorced when I was younger because my father was unfaithful. He cheated. moved on, married and started another family and has a kid. Sometimes I wonder how the fuck someone gets to destroy their family and then just start over like nothing happened. I don't know if he gives a fuck about me, he barely calls me and I know the only reason he does is because my grandfather pressures him to.

I have a younger brother with special needs and while I love him it's difficult growing up with him, I had to take on pressures at a young age that I wasn't prepared for because my dad was too much of a fucking coward to take care of his boy. It's not even just about me, my brother is nonverbal he doesn't understand what happened, just one random day his father just disappeared and that breaks my heart.

It has been the worst for my mother who had to look over 2 kids all by herself and she had taken that anger out at me threatening to kick me out over shit that just didn't matter.

I don't just hate what my father did, I hate who I have become. I am so insecure, so bitter, so resentful I crave attention and validation and I hate admitting that. I hate how easily I get hurt.

Im not gonna blame my dad for every shitty thing that i've ever done I made my own mistakes, i've hurt people I've acted in ways that make me ashamed and I have to take responsibility for that.

But I wonder who I could have been if my life had been different. Maybe I would be calmer, kinder, at peace. It feels like I've lost who I was supposed to become even if that person doens't really exist.

I don't want any revenge, i dont want to spend my whole lfie blaming other people, I just want to wake up one day and have some peace.

I used to live with my dad. That is, until he got married and his new wife moved in. I was told beforehand that she was okay with my living there, but to make a long story short, she wasn’t. She hated that I was there. She thought I was nothing more than a mooch “taking up her space” and “ruining her happy ending”. In reality, my living there was only temporary. Both me and my dad insisted this to her, but she refused to believe it.

I extended olive branch after olive branch to make peace and maybe build a relationship with her but she wasn’t interested. She was constantly cold and rude towards me, and my dad was too afraid of confrontation to do anything about it other than tell me to be the bigger person. I got tired of being the bigger person. I had done nothing wrong.

The one time he managed to get the three of us together for an attempt at a productive conversation was after she had (without asking) once again moved my personal belongings to replace them with something of hers. In this case, she had taken down my family photos to replace them with pictures of her dogs. My dad decided it was time to confront the terrible tension in the house and tell his wife that my presence here was to be respected.

I secretly recorded the conversation on my phone. Why? Because I knew she would say some fucked up shit, and I wanted proof for the other family members who didn’t believe me about her behavior. And I was right, she behaved like an immature child the entire time. My dad had to practically beg her to stay in the room. She kept fidgeting and trying to walk away. Refused to make eye contact with me. When I expressed a want to build a relationship with her, she responded “What do you want from me? To do a dance for you?” And actually danced. Mockingly, of course.

I was devastated by the conversation. It resolved nothing and only confirmed what I already knew about her and her feelings towards me. I was nothing but an annoyance and an obstacle to the life she wanted. In the end, I gave her what she wanted. I found somewhere else to live, despite my financial hardships.

I never sent the recording to my family members. And seeing as how she tragically passed away in a car accident mere months after the recording was taken, I probably never will. Her death solidified her as a saint to the family and I as the unreasonable asshole who couldn’t just let it go.

Maybe they’re right.

** UPDATE: For those wondering, when I say it is killing my sex life with my fiancé, I meant as in I’ve not initiated sex or haven’t really been in the mood to because of the conflicting feelings.
ALSO, for those insinuating that I’m a terrible person because she doesn’t deserve this etc, she cheated on me twice very early on. Now, that DOES NOT justify anything. HOWEVER, how do I justify something I simply CANNOT control. These feelings were natural and just confusing. All I’m wanted is real advice and NOT to be talked down about, or to. **

For context I’m a straight 26M diesel mechanic and happily engaged to a very amazing 25F. About 6 months ago we hired a new mechanic straight out of technical school and every since he started, he is the reason I’ve been happy coming to work as it’s a very tumultuous job.

However, it’s not just coming to work that I enjoy now because of him. I enjoy talking to him, and I also enjoy seeing him outside of work. The bad part is that I find myself thinking about him in a very unhealthy way. Sexually I should say. It’s like every time he pulls his shirt up to wipe his face I find myself ogling at him. Or I can’t stop looking when he laughs. And this is very very out of left field for me. Men aren’t my thing and I’ve never been with one or even thought about it.

I’m just confused and don’t know what to do. It’s killing my sex life with my fiancé as I’m constantly thinking about this guy. Btw this guy is 25M, physically fit, kind of an alternative look to him, and a very nice body.

Much like the title says, I'm now 31, single for the first time in around 13 years and the illusions of friendship, I'd considered myself having, seemingly disappeared overnight, just a handful of acquaintances that will say "we should do something" and never do, but they're scattered across the country and I haven't seen the majority of them in over 2 years

If you asked me what's hit me the most, it's definitely the break-up, but I'm just left pining on and off over my ex and feeling the crippling loneliness of being a guy at the age of 31, wishing he had a friend

I've always struggled making friends growing up, so the ones that stuck around I considered my friends for life. Well, apparently not

I still have one friend, mind you, but I only hear from him periodically because he's in a different country, and he's not exactly the best at sticking to any sort of plans

I'm not looking for advice or help, just need to vent. I know it's partly my fault, as well, I've never really been the type of person that's good at keeping up with social media, texting, ect, I usually try to live in the moment and in-person os definitely my preference. I just need to get it off my chest because it's like a little ball of sadness I hold in my chest at all times and can't escape

No ages or genders, I wanna keep this fairly anonymous. If anyone who knows me DOES find this somehow I'm pretty sure they'll put it together from the details I've given but damn I gotta talk to someone.

Pretty much what the title says lol. For the past 5 ish years I've been head over heels for my best friend. When I realised I had fallen for them I decided to bottle it up to keep our friendship together. I told myself I was mistaken, that this couldn't be love, because I was too young to know. But as time went on the feelings only got stronger and now they're the most important person in my life. When I wake up I check messages, when I watch a series I message them. We call frequently and I'm honestly so happy.

They know this by now, after I confessed all this one time when we actually got to meet up. I don't think they feel quite the same as I do, this overwhelming intensity, but they've said things that meant a lot to me. So it's a strong relationship, long distance, and it's lasted over the years.

Now the complications. We're both the same assigned sex, and the world is the world. While I've lived a very fortunate life in regards to my identity, even I have to go back in the closet sometimes. And that's not even starting on what they've experienced. I would never ask for any more than what we have. Being part of a secret situationship was never how I expected my life going and I can't lie, sometimes it's hard. I can't tell my own family about where things are at, I'm evasive regarding relationships in a way I never was before. I know I've got the easy end of things, but sometimes knowing I'll never have a normal relationship makes me want to just sob.

I mean it is always possible someday I'll move on. The thing is, right now, I don't want to. I want whatever I can have with this person. It's the best part of my day, the best thing in my life. I'm fully prepared to take on the pain I know is waiting from keeping all this secret for so long. I went over all this in my head when I was figuring things out. I knew we could never be together. And that was something I had to be okay with.

We talk constantly, and things are beautiful right now. I'm so happy most of the time. Sure, sometimes I get a bit down but something I've learnt is that love isn't easy. You gotta work sometimes.

So yeah, sorry for how vague this is. I just need to express it somehow, that I'm still, all these years in, in love with the same person I know I can't be with. That I am figuring life out. That sometimes the love being there is enough and you can figure something out for one another.

And I'm happy.

I think i am more afraid of closeness than i am of being alone and admitting that feels strange cuz loneliness is something i struggle with too. Whenever someone starts becoming important to me i begin questioning everything. I wonder about their intentions whether my feelings are becoming too strong and what might happen if i let them become a meaningful part of my life. I start imagining their absence before they have even left. I think about how much it might hurt if they stopped replying, lost interest, found someone better or simply decided they no longer wanted me around and sometimes, instead of letting the connection develop naturally i start creating distance. I reply less hold back what i feel and convince myself that i am better off without them. I tell myself that i shouldn't get too attached, that I shouldn't expect too much, and that relying on someone emotionally is only going to make things harder for me in the long run but i don't always want to walk away. Sometimes I care more than I know how to express. I always want the person to stay, to keep talking to me and to become someone i can feel comfortable around. It's a strange kind of loneliness, wanting someone in your life while simultaneously trying to convince yourself that you don't need them. Maybe i have learned to leave emotionally before someone else gets the chance to leave me. Maybe creating distance feels like having some control over a situation that would otherwise leave me vulnerable. Whatever the reason i am tired of feeling like closeness is something i need to protect myself from. I don't want to keep treating people like temporary parts of my life just cuz i am afraid of what losing them might feel like. I want to be able to care about someone without constantly anticipating the ending. I want to let people matter to me without feeling like i have handed them the power to hurt me. I don't know how to change this yet. I just needed to get it off my chest.

My mother got it in her head when I was growing up that I was somehow some child genius. When I moved schools when I was in the first grade, she put me in the second grade because apparently they were doing work I had already done in first grade and the work I was doing was in the second grade. So, when I was 6, I was put in the second grade, with no care about how that would affect the rest of my life. Mind you, this decision was made by a 42 year old woman. Not some young parent in their mid twenties or something.

Anyway, it was a negative on my life. I was always smaller, picked on, and clearly less developed than the other children in my grade. I feel like my life could have been so much better if I had the year I was supposed to have to plan out my life and make better decisions. I could’ve had more confidence talking to girls because the girls in my grade would have been my own age. I could’ve spent more time picking a more lucrative major and had the mental capacity to research more and figure out what would have been better for me. My own mother forced me to be a commuter student at the university in my hometown because I would have been a minor and not allowed and I couldn’t leave, and I’m deeply resentful towards her for that. I feel like I missed out on that pivotal college experience of truly being away from home because of decisions I didn’t get to make. I even got dropped from pledging a fraternity because of my age (I lived on campus my first year).

When I say something to her about this, she always claims the school made her do it or I didn’t seem like I had a problem with it. Like bruh I was 6, really? And you were also the parent who chose this for me and could’ve supposedly stopped the school from doing that? I’m sure they would’ve been happy to put me in the actual grade I was supposed to be in.

I know I can’t change the past, and I’m not expecting this rant to change anything, other than just let me vent to internet strangers to feel better. I just always think “what if” if I started high school at 14 instead of 13 and I could’ve developed at the same rate as the other kids my age. My life could’ve maybe been better had I had not been forced to unnecessarily be pushed up a grade.

This post is kind of a mix of everything. Nobody has to read it all, as I know it will be a very lengthy post, I just feel I need to get it all out and get it out there for others to see if they wish to read, as i’ve not been truthful to anyone about what i’ve been feeling and I need to get it off my chest. Also, sorry if this post is like..weird or off in any way, idk. This is my first reddit post.

Anyways, I am a teenager living in Canada. In December of 2025, I was on the verge of homelessness, my sister was kicked out, and my mom was extremely depressed. I had to act as her therapist despite feeling numb myself, which I think was depression but I tried to cover it up with optimism despite the dark time. My mom kept telling me about how she wanted to end her own life and kept questioning how we ended up like this.

Fast forward to January 17th, we’re finally moved into our own house despite being financially unstable. I ended up getting addicted to drinking and smoking weed, and it seems like the months have just flown by. I feel like a failure, like i’ll die unknown and alone and like i’m not doing enough to support my mom as she works two jobs now and is still living paycheck to paycheck. My mental health has just gone downhill ever since moving here, as it is an extremely small basement apartment infested with mold. Obviously i’m grateful to have a home, but I just don’t know why I feel this way. I have also been struggling with my body image for years, and it’s been getting worse since living here. I’ve tried starving, and I always compare myself to others. It doesn’t help with the fact that I am undiagnosed because I KNOW there’s something wrong with me, as I think I have disorders like Autism, ADHD, C-PTSD, Depression, and possibly more. I am in no way trying to self diagnose, but i’ve done my research, and I fit all those symptoms and desperately want a diagnosis, as it would slightly improve how I feel knowing what’s wrong with me (also I am not asking for a diagnosis, just sharing my thoughts about it. I will try to go a professional for help about that). Another reason why I feel like I am mentally unwell is because of what i’ve been through as a child. I’ve witnessed my mom physically fighting with her crazy narcissistic ex, my mom being stalked by him, even being chased in a vehicle by him and having to call the cops, and suffering through so much at his hands. He was obsessed with her and he would never wanna leave her alone, so she would always let him back in sometimes after telling him she was done with him like sometimes i thought he’d be gone forever but then i’d come home from school the next day to see him sitting in our garage. He would come knocking on our door multiple times a week, leave notes on her car and on our door, he would sit in his car outside our house and just wait. I’ve seen so much gore and porn from a young age due to unsupervised internet access and have been sexually assaulted as a child as well as abused for a short period of time (I think, I don’t remember much of my childhood except for specific memories), so I feel as if those things play into it a lot.

Recently, i’ve began to self harm as a way to cope with my mind. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t know what else will help. I’ve quit smoking and drinking, because it just makes me have an extremely low self esteem, and i’m just trying not to break down in front of everyone because my mom especially has resorted to drinking and smoking too. And recently, she’s been doing coke, and it just breaks my heart because I just want her to stay sober and just be okay. I know she’s also not in the right headspace as she’s depressed again, but I can’t help it any longer. I’ve been struggling so bad too for months and I don’t want to label myself as depressed, but most days I just sit in my room, no extracurricular activities, etc. I’m just stuck with own thoughts. It doesn’t help with the fact I have bad teeth, i’m overweight, i’m not conventionally attractive, and I have no friends that I truly click with or that would pick me in a room full of people. I’m just so tired of everything, and it breaks my heart.

I’m sorry if i’m just rambling on from topic to topic, but like I said before, I just need to get this off my chest. There’s probably more, but I just can’t remember right now. I’ve been feeling so helpless and sad, like there’s no hope for me whatsoever and things are just getting worse everyday. I feel like we’re never gonna get out of financial instability, and I feel as if i’m just a big monster because i’ve also never had a boyfriend, and i always see people around me with them and im just like ‘wow, am I really that unloveable?’ I know i’m not ready for a relationship nor mature enough, but it still hurts knowing that i’m not enough for someone to like/love.

Anyways, if anyone read all of this, thank you so much for listening. I don’t even care if this doesn’t get seen at all, as for a third time, I just want it off my chest. Again, thank you for reading or at least just taking time to skim over this post.

I have a decent network of friends; I'm not completely alone by any means. But in the grander scheme of things, the majority of my friendships only exist within the grander context of a friend group per say. So it's all good and seems fine when meet up in person every month or so.

The part that sucks is the period of time in between the months that we all hang out, where apart from when we plan the next get together, it's just... complete radio silence pretty much. No texts, no calls, nothing. Almost as if my friendship with others only exists within the context of the group. And I know despite this we're still friends, but during the long periods of silence I can't help but wonder if I'm actually anywhere as near as close to these people as I thought we were.

And in scenarios like these where I really wish people would talk to me or stay in contact, I would always be told "you just have to reach out. You be the person to send a text or call first". But I just don't understand why it always has to be me. If I always have to reach out first or else I won't get a response, does anyone really care? What happens once I stop reaching out first and I get the silent treatment again? It's hard for me to be the one to take initiative to reach out when I've hardly been given the same treatment or reciprocation back in my direction. I don't want to solely be in one sided friendships.

Last week, while driving home at about 9:45pm at night. I crashed into two deer when they jumped infront of me. I did see them along side a farm fence, but I didn't expect them to jump right in front of me like they did, and I had no time to break before we collided. I blame myself. (One of them toke longer than the other to get up. I was willing to stay with the other incase she needed to be put down.)

(Airbags didn't deploy and I wasn't hurt. The front was crushed in, absorbing all the impact. We were able to slowly drive my car back to my fiance's house which was only a few minutes away. I was very lucky all things considered.)

The car was deemed a total lost since it was worth about $5,000. (Honda Fit 2009) My mom had it first when I was an early teen, then I got it when I was 20. I'm 28 now.

She wasn't upset with me, just encouraging to get a new car.

I was absolutely devistated, I lost something so precious to me, and I'm grieving like it's an actual living being.

Ultimately, the car ajd insurance was under her name, so she made the practical choice.

We got the license plate that was rusted on yesterday. I needed to nap nearly the rest of the day. My coworkers were going off about that situation, and mentioned how insurance doesn't tend to fix things like this. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

My mom said we're expecting the $5,000, and I just feel numb, now even a little angry. I got snippy with her, saying "I hope it's worth it." I back petaled by saying I was just being crotchity. Then I said that "I would've been happy to pay that $5,000, but that's not how the cookie crumbled."

Of course I feel bad for talking to my mom this way. I love her, she's just trying to help and push me forward. At the same time, I'm a little angry, and I'm sure I'm in the wrong for it.

I'm looking at new cars. I'm approaching it from a purely logical standpoint by combing through reviews, if someone on reddit had something negative to say about a model I'm looking at besides it's "boring" I'm done considering that model.

These cars are just machines to me. I'm not excited about getting a new one. I'm just looking forward to the day I don't have to shop anymore I don't know when I'll stop crying, but it's not now.

I'm living my life differently for now on, more carefully and calculated.

Anyone reading this who drives with deer on the road. BE CAREFUL! EXPECT THE WORST! IT ONLY TAKES ONE MOMENT!