Feeling depressed for months and things are getting worse

[u/HistoricalConcert510]

This post is kind of a mix of everything. Nobody has to read it all, as I know it will be a very lengthy post, I just feel I need to get it all out and get it out there for others to see if they wish to read, as i’ve not been truthful to anyone about what i’ve been feeling and I need to get it off my chest. Also, sorry if this post is like..weird or off in any way, idk. This is my first reddit post.

Anyways, I am a teenager living in Canada. In December of 2025, I was on the verge of homelessness, my sister was kicked out, and my mom was extremely depressed. I had to act as her therapist despite feeling numb myself, which I think was depression but I tried to cover it up with optimism despite the dark time. My mom kept telling me about how she wanted to end her own life and kept questioning how we ended up like this.

Fast forward to January 17th, we’re finally moved into our own house despite being financially unstable. I ended up getting addicted to drinking and smoking weed, and it seems like the months have just flown by. I feel like a failure, like i’ll die unknown and alone and like i’m not doing enough to support my mom as she works two jobs now and is still living paycheck to paycheck. My mental health has just gone downhill ever since moving here, as it is an extremely small basement apartment infested with mold. Obviously i’m grateful to have a home, but I just don’t know why I feel this way. I have also been struggling with my body image for years, and it’s been getting worse since living here. I’ve tried starving, and I always compare myself to others. It doesn’t help with the fact that I am undiagnosed because I KNOW there’s something wrong with me, as I think I have disorders like Autism, ADHD, C-PTSD, Depression, and possibly more. I am in no way trying to self diagnose, but i’ve done my research, and I fit all those symptoms and desperately want a diagnosis, as it would slightly improve how I feel knowing what’s wrong with me (also I am not asking for a diagnosis, just sharing my thoughts about it. I will try to go a professional for help about that). Another reason why I feel like I am mentally unwell is because of what i’ve been through as a child. I’ve witnessed my mom physically fighting with her crazy narcissistic ex, my mom being stalked by him, even being chased in a vehicle by him and having to call the cops, and suffering through so much at his hands. He was obsessed with her and he would never wanna leave her alone, so she would always let him back in sometimes after telling him she was done with him like sometimes i thought he’d be gone forever but then i’d come home from school the next day to see him sitting in our garage. He would come knocking on our door multiple times a week, leave notes on her car and on our door, he would sit in his car outside our house and just wait. I’ve seen so much gore and porn from a young age due to unsupervised internet access and have been sexually assaulted as a child as well as abused for a short period of time (I think, I don’t remember much of my childhood except for specific memories), so I feel as if those things play into it a lot.

Recently, i’ve began to self harm as a way to cope with my mind. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t know what else will help. I’ve quit smoking and drinking, because it just makes me have an extremely low self esteem, and i’m just trying not to break down in front of everyone because my mom especially has resorted to drinking and smoking too. And recently, she’s been doing coke, and it just breaks my heart because I just want her to stay sober and just be okay. I know she’s also not in the right headspace as she’s depressed again, but I can’t help it any longer. I’ve been struggling so bad too for months and I don’t want to label myself as depressed, but most days I just sit in my room, no extracurricular activities, etc. I’m just stuck with own thoughts. It doesn’t help with the fact I have bad teeth, i’m overweight, i’m not conventionally attractive, and I have no friends that I truly click with or that would pick me in a room full of people. I’m just so tired of everything, and it breaks my heart.

I’m sorry if i’m just rambling on from topic to topic, but like I said before, I just need to get this off my chest. There’s probably more, but I just can’t remember right now. I’ve been feeling so helpless and sad, like there’s no hope for me whatsoever and things are just getting worse everyday. I feel like we’re never gonna get out of financial instability, and I feel as if i’m just a big monster because i’ve also never had a boyfriend, and i always see people around me with them and im just like ‘wow, am I really that unloveable?’ I know i’m not ready for a relationship nor mature enough, but it still hurts knowing that i’m not enough for someone to like/love.

Anyways, if anyone read all of this, thank you so much for listening. I don’t even care if this doesn’t get seen at all, as for a third time, I just want it off my chest. Again, thank you for reading or at least just taking time to skim over this post.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Ok_Guarantee_1615]

I read all of it and I am very sorry for you. I have no advice to give you, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am sure many people will read your post.You had a hard start in life, it must be very difficult. I hope your life will get better.

[u/HistoricalConcert510 → u/Ok_Guarantee_1615]

Thank you so much I really appreciate that 🥹🙏