I feel like I am half a little girl, half an adult woman. It’s really upsetting.

I was sexually assaulted as a child and never had any consensual experiences (not even kissing) until this year. I’m 30. For the most part, I feel insane when it comes to sex. I have no idea how I am ever going to have a normal-ish sex life.

What’s worse, is that I feel like I am partially a girl and partially a woman. I feel like part of me didn’t develop the way it was supposed to.

My boyfriend has picked up on this. A few months ago, he said he feels like I am too innocent/naïve and it makes him uncomfortable. He is worried about taking advantage of me. I almost want him to, in a way. Not that he would actually be doing that. But I do tend to just go along even if I get triggered, until the point where I literally can’t anymore and just dissociate.

See what I mean? Insane.

But yeah, I feel like I’m going through a developmental stage I was supposed to be done with a long time ago. And that makes me feel like a freak. I have no idea how to navigate it. And part of me wants to give up, because it’s all so hard. I’m too stubborn to do that, but I have no idea what to do. I’m not even sure therapy can help with this, no matter how long I stick with it.

I ask this because I have suspicions of my father doing something to me but because I only have bits and pieces of what I think I remember I doubt myself a lot especially because growing he was also adamant of making sure my uncles and other men wouldn’t victimize me. I just want to know can both be true at the same time? Can a parent abuse their children and still have the parental instinct to protect them from said harm?

At our last session we discussed for the first time the memory of my father assaulting me when I was 13. Since then I’ve experienced out of body moments, irritability, and forgetfulness. I just feel numb to the world. I mentioned how I’m starting to remember my hygiene wasn’t very good and how my mom had a talk with my teacher about how my grades were slipping and how I didn’t seem present in class around the time I was assaulted by him.

I’m drinking more than I normally would and I’m isolating myself from people. I know this is a sign that I’m healing and ready to process this trauma but I’m exhausted.

TLDR started the process of reporting. Any words of wisdom from anyone who's been through that process hugely appreciated.

Without going into details that could identify me, I found out recently that the person who abused me is still working with children and the person I spoke to was legally obligated to report that. I spoke to the police today and they're going to be arresting him based on what I've told them. I have to decide if I want to do a formal interview and pursue it further (which I have NO idea about) but to an extent it's out of my hands.

I never planned on formally reporting. I was as content as I could be to work through it in therapy in my own time but finding out he's had access to other kids this whole time really shifted that perspective. All at the same time I feel relieved, I feel sick, I feel guilty, I feel like I'm making it all up, I feel like I'm not angry enough for what he did. Knowing that regardless of what happens next he's going to be arrested and questioned is such a total mindfuck and I don't know how to feel.

If anyone else has been through the legal system - whether it worked out great, awful, whatever else - I would be so grateful to hear your experiences and/or feelings. I feel so out of my depth.

I know people react in different ways. Some may be hyper sexual and some might be hypo sexual, myself being the later.

I don’t intend on having sex with a partner until marriage or a long term relationship at the very least, but there are a few concerns before we even get there.

I hope no one takes offence to this and please know that it’s more reflective of my personal experiences than whoever is reading this, but penises disgust me. It freaks me out and makes me think of what happened growing up. I don’t want to hurt anyone when I say that. It deeply scares me.

Sex is also terrifying. I can’t forget the pain of when it happened and I don’t want to go through that again. I know consensual sex would be different but even now when I’m masturbating, I have tried putting in a finger or two but it hurts and burns and reminds me too much of what happened.

I can’t orgasm. I’ve never been able to orgasm and I don’t know what to do. I guess it’s not the end of the world if I don’t but it feels like another thing taken away from me. It feels good at first but then it starts hurting so I have to stop. No, I haven’t seen a doctor and don’t intend to. I don’t want anyone seeing me naked or touching me.

Yes, I’m in therapy but I feel ridiculous talking about these things when I can’t even date and I’m not even in a relationship. Like what’s the point.

Has anyone successfully managed to work through some of these issues? How did you do it?

hello again everyone, it’s been a couple weeks and i just wanted to report here what i’ve been experiencing because i think hearing from others will really help me stay focused.

it’s been a few weeks since i poked the bear again in recovering my memories of potential SA and i noticed that it sent me in this massive wave of depression, these past couple weeks ive had absolutely no will or energy to live, almost like attempting to dig more has just caused my brain to go hibernate for a while.

but ive had more hope this time around than before, i really want to live and be able to build my life but this process has been making me feel as though i can’t move forward or enjoy things again, my brain wants to dig and feel it all but my body won’t budge and that conflict has almost taken control over my day to day.

i recently put together a band and am finally starting to perform again and that’s been super awesome, i’m very proud of myself for still wanting to show up in that part of my life so there’s a small win :)

but it’s been weird times, i don’t know if i should honor this and let myself set it down or if i should keep going to try to piece together what happened. but i wanted to see if any of you guys also experienced this process and what you may have done to help the depression pass, please feel free to share what hobbies you picked up, or your experience with finding yourself through this, it would mean so much to hear from anyone.

and thank you to everyone who finds my posts and comments on them, this place has been a beacon of hope for me, i hope to return the favor as i heal. i hope everyone is doing well.

Confused

I am 42 F . I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, maybe if anyone here had had a similar confusing experience. I learned as an adult that my Dad spied on, got into bed with, and inappropriately touched my sister. I was close to my Dad and don't recall being afraid of him. That being said, these revelations did not surprise me in the least. I also learned that my mommwould sometimes wake up to him having sex with her amd rhat my aunt once found an audio cassette tape of a father bathing his daughter and the daughter saying " ow daddy that hurts". My issue is this. I think ibwas a hyper sexual child. Under the age of 10 , possibly significantly? It's blurry. .. I remember climbing up on tip of my brother and saying " this is what grown ups do" at a sleep over I put the foot of a sleeping child between my legs, and I have had weird fantasies about my dad raping me while. I just kind of passively let him. Some other things wrnt kn inmy house as my mom struggled with alcoholism and benzonaddiction non fatal overdose , psychotic break anxiety and depression..though ibwa a bit older when some of the latter happened like adolescent into teen years. The thing is I have no memory of any abuse and only learned about the abuse of my sister ( my dads stepdaughter ) as an adult. I am in therapy and told my psychologist that my Dad would NEVER do that to me..but now I wonder isnit really possible to forget something like this? I am good at emotionally dissociating.

apologies, i have no friends I can talk to this with and here felt like the best place.

for context, I was 5, he was 40ish. It lasted almost a year. I've spoken about it in therapy but it didn't help. forgive me but I don't want to go into any details at all. I just can't stop thinking how, why, etc.

I've seen him exactly one time after that, when i was 12. How did he do that? How did he think it was actually alright to do what he did? It wasn't a one-off moment of weakness.

I can understand someone being mentally ill, having a sick mind or whatever, brain rot, porn rot, kinks gone too far, but holy fucking shit. ACTING on it? ACTING ON A URGE LIKE THAT? Acting on it with a CHILD? A LITERAL CHILD? that's extremely insanely bad shit.

I don't understand how he did such bad shit. like Fully horrible illegal, life altering for the victim.
That's such bad shit. How does he live with himself?

What was going through his head when he saw me that time when I was 12 that one time? Was he thinking "god i fucked up that girls life"
Does he feel remorse? These are all things I want to ask HIM.

What's worse is my parent has no idea, (I'm an adult now) and my parent still occasionally calls him, because they see him as a friend.

Is he living in fear I'll out him? I could easily destroy his entire life and have him investigated. I probably should have to save other potential victims, but I was dealing with other traumas and was very sensitive and the idea of going through court, was not it for me.

but those times when my mom calls and asks how he is, what the hell is going through his head when he remembers me? I won't remember it nearly as clearly as him because he was an actual fully conscious adult. and I just wonder, wtf does he think about it?

I was talking to my sister and she said that she hates the phrase ”good girl” because one time, years ago, when she was 16 he flirted with her while he was drunk and that was one of the phrases that he said. But I also hate that phrase too except I can't exactly remember why. He used to get drunk and either get all philosophical, all rage, or just weird and argumentative. But I don't remember him doing anything like that with me. Somebody used to give me a punishment where they treat you like a baby or a dog or something and they would call you a good girland pet me and act like my “owner” and it made me feel gross and embarrassed. You would have to crawl on the ground and eat from the floor and stuff. But I might have imagined it. Maybe the “good girl” thing was a coincidence.

My father stopped drinking a while ago and he is better now. I would think that he would never be the type of guy to do something like that, but then again, I thought the same thing for all the other adults too. Also he was drunk when it might have happened so it's not his fault because I have this idea that drunk people can't control their actions and it is as if they are possessed by a demon that makes them do bad thing. People tell me that they can control themselves, but if that were true then my dad would have not done some of the things that he did when he was drunk.

I thought it was normal and common for adults to act weird towards kids when no other adults are around. Maybe it is. I fear that there are perverts everywhere staring at me like I am a piece of meat. But random adults stopped catcalling me when I entered high school. I'm scared of revealing too much information for fear of one of the many creeps finding this post and finding out who I am and doing creep stuff. I am probably just being dramatic again. I do not want sympathy.

tw

I know incontinence/pelvic issues are "normal" for survivors of CSA, but I feel so much shame that hes still reaching me somehow because of it. The abuse ended close to a decade ago and it feels like he can still reach me. Sometimes I feel so sad looking at the rest of my life

I’m a 19 year old male and I’ve kinda already went through a bit of what I’ve experienced on a previous post so I’m not going to say it again- but basically I was SA’d for a few years by someone living in my home at the time when I was around 13-16.

I don’t really know what it is but ever since then I feel like I’ve barely mentally aged at all. I’m pretty aloof and quite childish in my interests, if you walked into my room without knowing me you’d probably assume I was around 13-14 years old. I still have childhood books and toys in drawers I use every day, the only movies I watch are anime/animated ones for all ages (rarely I’ll watch very specific irl movies related to my interests like backrooms), I like to colour things in my free time and this is very embarrassing to say but I guess you could say I still play with toys…. Like children’s toy cars and action figures or whatever… I actually go out of my way to buy cars and transformers and stuff to add to my collection lol. Anyway I’m assuming this probably has to do with what happened to me as a kid?? Compared to my friends I’m definitely very childish but I’m assuming there’s not much I can really do about it. Im not actually upset about it though, I’m just wondering if anyone has any thoughts about it!

I was groomed online and went through a lot of awful stuff which has been the majority of what therapy I've had focused on but now I think there was more?

I was kinda neglected as a child and could just do whatever I wanted. I remember going house to house in the neighborhood because I was bored and lonely. I have specific memories of a neighbors house where they would always offer me drinks, food, computer access. Despite that, it also always has this feeling of fear and terror I couldn't explain. The couple there eventually moved away and that really upset me for reasons I can't explain.

Around this time I started to get horribly depressed, my grades fell and my hygiene was awful. My bedwetting got worse, I started having nightmares and I had a lot of unexplained knowledge about masturbating and sex but I don't remember why or how because I wouldn't be groomed until a few years later. I had constant UTIs too and basically stopped eating and was sick constantly but no one noticed or cared.

Whenever I tried to bring this experience up to my mother she just got inconsolably angry at me and would go off about how even if it was true, which she also denied any of my experience was, that it's nothing at all compared to what she went through and I should count myself lucky she didn't abuse me more. I don't know why she responded this way but it always made me suspicious.

Something that’s been so hard for me is my dad wasn’t all bad. He was really great in some ways. Even though he brutally abused me for years, leading to my therapists labeling it as torture.

He played like Bandit from Bluey did.
He went almost all in, played any role. Since he was a doctor, he played the best Doctor game ever. He taught us soccer. How to bike. Coincidentally, my favorite game was Monster. It was basically tag with him acting like Sully from Monsters Inc.

But he also withheld snacks and water. Made me cook for him. (TW: violence, child abuse) Molested me. Raped me. Kicked me. Hit me. Threw my body into things. Suffocated me. Hit my head into things.

So trying to reconcile this literal monster of a father with the dad who went all in when playing monster brings up confusing feelings to say the least.

And I think that may be part of what’s missing in my trauma therapy. I’ve never grieved the dad I missed out on by disclosing the abuse. He was the only adult who I felt truly loved me. He got me books about my special interests. Took me to museums and let me spend hours at my favorite exhibits. He taught me more about my special interests.
But I lost all that when I told my therapist what he was doing to me.

A little context: I also have cPTSD from my mom though she’s never actually done anything “wrong”. She was an adequate parent for my sister, but because of my neurodivergencies, disabilities, and mental health she was unable to provide for all my needs and thus cPTSD. So in essence, I lost the only parent I ever had, even though he was also (TW: CSA, trafficking) raping me and potentially letting his friends abuse me too.

I’ve been scrolling through the posts in this group for the past 30 minutes, reading other peoples stories, and I’ve seen allot of people offering advice and guidance.
I don’t have anyone I can talk about this with, and unfortunately it’s bugging me again, so I thought I’d share it on here.
Honestly I don’t really even know where to start, and it’s very late so I apologize if this is difficult to read.
Starting at about the age of 11 I began to suspect something may have happened to me when I was younger. I know there was some sexual harassment I experienced at school in kindergarten, which I blocked out until I was 11 and had a flashback to it after hitting my head. So maybe that’s why I started to think more may have happened, anyways I remember confiding in my friend at the time and he told me that it was probably nothing. So I just tried to ignore it, I don’t think I told anyone else.
Then when I was 12 I had a really traumatic nightmare where I was assaulted, the worst part is that I could feel everything that was happening to me, it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I never told anyone about this, I was embarrassed and ashamed.
I remember having more nightmares about being assaulted but none as vivid and horrible as the first one.
Around this time I became very hyper sexual, and also started using substances. I was very mentally unwell during these years 13-15, and find it hard to remember this part of my life. I put myself in dangerous situations and was in multiple abusive relationships where I was assaulted.
At 15/16 I started turning my life around, and was doing much better. At this point I had stopped thinking as much about what I thought may have happened, until I had another memory resurface. In this memory I am around 6 at a family members house for a holiday. All the kids were hanging out in a bedroom on the bed and one of my older cousins was scaring us by hiding under the bed and tickling our feet. He didn’t do anything bad but I remember being terrified because I thought he would assault us.
So I brought this up with my mom, and I tried to confide in her, she denied that anything could have happened and shut the conversation down. I tried talking to my dad but this didn’t go well either. I remember feeling really ashamed and like I was loosing it because no one believed me or would even talk to me.
Then when I was 17 I had another memory resurface at work, this one I am again around 6 years old but possibly younger. I’m in a bedroom sitting on a bed and there is a man in his underwear either sitting on the bed beside me, or standing over me. I can’t see his face, and I don’t recognize the room though it feels extremely familiar. It’s also nighttime in the memory. Anyways I come back to at work, and immediately feel such a horrible disgust and fear. I hide in the bathroom and have a panic attack.
At this time I was seeing a therapist so I bring everything up at one of our sessions and he also just doesn’t believe me. He actually just makes the whole thing uncomfortable and so much worse, I again ignore it for the next 2 years.
That brings me to the present, about a week ago I had another weird dream and it just brought everything back. So I tried to talk to my mom about it and she shut it down again.
Anyways, that’s all. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it so I’m posting it on here. I guess I just kind of wanted to tell someone, otherwise I’m just ruminating and I feel like that gets me nowhere.
Thanks for reading I guess lol sorry I don’t really know how to end this, but I need to get to bed, bye.
Also I don’t really know how to tag this so sorry if I add the wrong ones.

Title: 20 years of hypersexuality and sex addiction — trying to understand my childhood and myself

**I’m 32 years old, and I’ve been struggling with hypersexuality, compulsive sexual behaviour, pornography, and masturbation for approximately 20 years. I’m sharing my story because I feel overwhelmed by shame, guilt, and confusion about how my life developed this way.**

**My childhood home environment**

**From around the age of one until I was 13, I slept in my parents’ bedroom. My parents would engage in sexual activity in the same room while I was present. They believed I was asleep, but I was often awake and aware of what was happening.**

**My father was an alcoholic, and his behaviour toward my mother was often frightening. From what I witnessed, he would engage in forceful sexual activity with her while she protested and objected. I was repeatedly exposed to these situations as a child, with no control over what was happening and nowhere else to sleep.**

**My father’s behaviour toward me**

**My father’s behaviour toward me also made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. When he was drunk, he would hug or hold me in ways that felt inappropriate, frightening, and unwanted. While holding me, he would use degrading and sexually insulting language toward my mother.**

**I remember his physical contact sometimes feeling forceful rather than affectionate. These experiences confused me because I was a child and did not understand why the interactions made me so uncomfortable. I have spent years wondering how this environment affected my understanding of safety, affection, and sexual boundaries.**

**How my hypersexuality developed**

**By the ages of 8–10, I had already developed strong sexual urges and behaviours. I began masturbating frequently and rubbing myself against pillows and my sister’s doll. At that age, I did not understand why I was experiencing these urges or how to manage them.**

**By around 12, my sexual curiosity was already intense. While playing a “doctor-doctor” game with a girl, I kissed her on the cheek and wanted to take things further sexually. I felt an overwhelming drive to seek sexual experiences and, at times, wanted to reenact what I had been exposed to at home. The urges seemed to be about releasing the pressure I felt, rather than having a clear understanding of attraction, intimacy, or relationships.**

**I often wonder whether my repeated exposure to sexual activity at home, my experiences with my father, and my early sexual development contributed to these behaviours. I cannot establish the exact cause simply by looking back, but the connection is something I am trying to understand.**

**The incident with an older boy when I was 12**

**When I was 12, an approximately 14-year-old boy, who was the older brother of a servant working for our household, came to our home. My mother told me to go and play with him.**

**I was already struggling with intense sexual urges. During the interaction, I sat on his lap and rubbed myself against his chest while remaining clothed. When I got down, I noticed that he had an erection. He realised I had noticed, smiled, and said it was an “elder thing.”**

**He then offered me his back so I could continue rubbing against him until I experienced release. He did not stop the interaction or guide me away from it. He allowed it to continue and asked me for money afterward.**

**I have repeatedly questioned whether I abused him by initiating the contact. Looking back, the situation feels complicated. I initiated the rubbing and pursued release, but I was only 12, already struggling with sexual urges I did not understand, and he was older than me. He recognised what was happening, encouraged the interaction to continue, and asked for money afterward.**

**I do not want to use my childhood experiences as an excuse for anything I did. At the same time, I want to understand the situation in the context of my age, my development, and the circumstances in which it happened. I struggle to understand what responsibility belonged to each of us and how to process the guilt I still carry.**

**Afterward, I began having sexual experiences with other boys around my age. My sexual behaviour continued to develop alongside the compulsive urges I had experienced since childhood.**

**My sexuality and later behaviour**

**Over the years, I have had sexual experiences with women, men, and trans women. I continue to have questions about my sexuality and how my early experiences, compulsive urges, and later choices may have influenced my sexual behaviour.**

**Sometimes I wonder whether I was trying to reenact things I had witnessed or seeking relief from overwhelming urges, regardless of the person involved. I understand that sexual behaviour and sexual orientation are not necessarily the same thing, and I do not want to assume that my childhood experiences determine my orientation.**

**I want to understand what I genuinely feel, what is connected to compulsive behaviour, and what I may have been trying to process through sex.**

**There are also things I did at age 16 that I deeply regret and worry may have harmed someone else. I want to take responsibility for my actions, understand my behaviour, and ensure that I do not repeat anything harmful.**

**Where I am today**

**I feel exhausted by this cycle. For approximately 20 years, I have struggled with compulsive sexual behaviour, pornography, masturbation, shame, and guilt. I often look back at my childhood and ask myself what was my fault, what happened to me, and how these experiences shaped the person I became.**

**Sometimes I feel hopeless and struggle to imagine a healthier future. I feel ashamed of my past and worry that I have permanently damaged my life.**

**I want to be clear that I am not sharing my childhood as an excuse for any harm I may have caused. I want to understand my experiences while accepting responsibility for my own choices. I also want to stop treating myself as though my entire identity can be reduced to my sexual behaviour or my worst mistakes.**

**I would appreciate advice from people who understand these struggles:**

**How do you address the underlying issues behind compulsive sexual behaviour rather than simply trying to suppress urges?**
**Has therapy helped you understand the relationship between childhood experiences, shame, and sexual compulsivity?**
**How do you distinguish taking responsibility for your actions from blaming yourself for everything that happened during childhood?**
**If you engaged in sexual behaviour as a child that you now question, how did you work through the uncertainty and guilt?**
**How do you begin rebuilding your life when these patterns have continued for many years?**

**I am looking for constructive advice, understanding, and hope. I want to understand my past, take responsibility for my present, and build a healthier future.**

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

The first memory I’ve of it was when I was probably 5 or 6 and I don’t remember the entire of it either. He was probably 13 and I remember him telling me that there is this new game let’s play but don’t tell anyone and I remember him touching my privates. Then I remember having a class on not letting anyone touch your private parts and I was confused and weirded out because this was still going on and I felt like I can’t tell anyone cause he told me not to and everyone loves him so it should have been the truth I thought. Then he moved away and only visited during the breaks and the things he did to me increased and he had shown me videos of it and I felt weird. It was no more oral, pressing and grinding on each other it became more violent and in this I never really said no. I remember saying that I don’t like this but he still persuaded me. And then he started telling me that nobody is going to believe you cause you never told them before and that I still acted normal around him to be raped. He also said that if anyone finds out they will just get us married and I was so scared. Then Covid came and I was having because he was in a different state and I didn’t have to go through that and I think that’s when everything made sense and the pandemic made me really think.

But is it really an sa if I never really said no? I allowed him to do that to me for years.

TW: brief mention of race fetishizing sentiments, mention of kidnapping, NSFW, pedophilia, kind of long

There was no SA, as far as I can remember, but my mother's long term boyfriend was often suggestive with me, sexualizing, ect. Telling me that my middle school friends only wanted me for sex, telling me how much I reminded him of "the wild mixed-race club girls" (not mixed race, but he was convinced that I looked partially Black and often moaned after telling me that), making out of context movie references that were sexual at me (the worst offender was something like "Are we having sex?", no idea what it was from), bragging about sleeping in my bed while I was at school, that sort of thing. All "jokes", of course.

I recently realized that this might include his habit of making me pose for pictures when I was underdressed- in pajamas or workout clothes. He simply pulled out his phone and followed me, snapping photos until I stopped moving away and faced the camera. The issue with this is that you can't prove sexual intent, really. It only looks bad because of the other questionable behavior, and because I was wildly uncomfortable with it. He deeply enjoyed making me uncomfortable in a wide variety of ways, so it's possible that my discomfort was the point, not sexualizing me.

The "pranks" mentioned in the title were kind of like that- definitely upsetting, but maybe not sexual for him. It was extremely early in their relationship, and I was about 8 or so. He decided that it would be a funny prank on my mom if he pretended to be a pedophile who was going to kidnap and rape me. He only simulated the kidnapping part, where he forcibly restrained me with duct tape and took a bunch of pictures of me tied up. He did tell me it was "a prank" (he did not explain the pedophile part, but imo that's usually the implication of kidnapping a child), but I really didn't want to be involved in this, and was vocal about it until he taped my mouth. I was tied up with him taunting me and taking pictures until my mom got home, and she let me go. He must have sent her some of the pictures, because she seemed annoyed and not surprised to find me tied up.

The first time I was tied to a kitchen chair, and the second time I was face down in the trunk of a car- this one especially bothered me because the photos would have been, essentially, just my ass and legs hanging out of a car.

This was certainly traumatic and felt very violating, especially because he did it twice, but was the possibility of this being sexual enough to make me experience this as sexually threatening, even if I wasn't totally aware of that possibility? Could such a thing be the source of hypersexual behaviors, anxiety around sexual relationships, fears of strangers committing SA against me, ect.? Psychologically, does it "matter" if this guy wasn't actually a pedophile, but instead just an edgy asshole who liked hurting people?

When I was a teen I was groomed by adult men in DDLG groups on an app called Kik. They made groups specifically for children to be in DDLG group chats. These men would treat me like a very young child and send me explicit photos and messages. I fell for a lot of this as a young teen and the had groups for adults as well. They kept the DDLG groups for adults and for children and children cannot consent to these types of dangerous group chats. I liked being treated as a young child at the time, I was age regressing a lot due to past childhood traumas and unknowingly being a survivor of CSA. I did not at the time recognize the difference between age regressing and “age play”. I feel like I can’t be the only out there who’s had this experience online with little to no supervision in what I was doing.

I had CSA from 4-16 on and off but frequently from 8-14. Various family members mostly stepdad at night.

I spoke up to police at 17th bday but then I got coerced by family to retract my statement.

At 19 I had left home and was in a big city, with a broken heart and psyche and no sense of self worth. I met a guy on tinder we started chatting I was super lonely and I felt shameful for partaking in sexual casual activities.

Let’s call him A. I remember messaging with him he said he was 37 (later he said he lied and wanted to be within younger girl’s age range).

I said I want to cuddle and I knew we would do things but I was very sexually inexperienced and was hypersexual at the same time - bad combination.

Looking back now, because of my shame (cultural, trauma) I was fixated on my actions and not his. I’m seeing him (9 years later in court) and I’m remembering how he came to my room and I said hi.

He then just flipped me over on the bed without saying anything and had sex with me and held me down. I think I had a few seconds of panic before I just got with the programme and disassociated.

We then had an on and off thing but it was my trying to get away from him and him not letting me. It went on for years and I want to talk about it and maybe I will but at the moment I don’t have energy.

Last September was the last time he touched me, he went so rough, I just don’t say no like a normal victim but apparently these men know that , he is 22 years older than me and my therapist is saying that’s relevant.

I went to the hospital and tried to get away from him but he wouldn’t leave me alone so I had to call the police and then he was almost immediately locked up bc another girl also reported him?

I’m going up on the stand and I can’t help but feel guilt. For this happening. I’m not processed it in my head that it was abuse or rape and I have to convince a jury. I know it was. But I have so much cptsd. It’s so hard to explain.

I know I’m doing the right thing. Any words of support would be great.

I feel disgusted that I care about him but when I look at the ‘truth’ of what kind of person he is and not the person I thought he was, it scares me so much that I was so close to him. I think I was shut down so well that I looked compliant.

I feel sick. Thank u guys for this subreddit and for being so interactive.

Wish me luck.

TW: COCSA, RETRAUMATIZATION, BLOOD

I (24 F) experienced persistent COCSA for years from the ages of 9 to 13. Due to severe dissociation and losing time, my memory of what happened comes and goes.

This is my first therapist where I’m able and encouraged to delve into my past to begin grappling with it but whenever I try my brain fails. It’s a mix of words not coming to me, trying to verbalize specifics making me physically ill or outright putting me into a severe dissociative state. He committed suicide when we were 15, which makes the closure portion of healing more difficult on my end.

I worry that a recent routine OBGYN appointment retraumatized me due to new physical complications from my previous trauma, which in turn has made me adverse to any and all OBGYN or pelvic therapies for the foreseeable future. I feel crazy thinking it could be a traumatic experience on its own and fear I’m being dramatic. However, the doctor told me that the only other individuals who had a routine test like that be so painful/cause bleeding were others who experienced COCSA/CSA.

Should speaking about it make it easier? Will it get easier? I’ve barely brushed the surface and my body is experiencing flashbacks like it just happened yet my brain is numb.

I’m sorry for the word vomit.