r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Unable-Effective1628 ☑️ • 1d ago
Confession Weird attraction
** UPDATE: For those wondering, when I say it is killing my sex life with my fiancé, I meant as in I’ve not initiated sex or haven’t really been in the mood to because of the conflicting feelings.
ALSO, for those insinuating that I’m a terrible person because she doesn’t deserve this etc, she cheated on me twice very early on. Now, that DOES NOT justify anything. HOWEVER, how do I justify something I simply CANNOT control. These feelings were natural and just confusing. All I’m wanted is real advice and NOT to be talked down about, or to. **
For context I’m a straight 26M diesel mechanic and happily engaged to a very amazing 25F. About 6 months ago we hired a new mechanic straight out of technical school and every since he started, he is the reason I’ve been happy coming to work as it’s a very tumultuous job.
However, it’s not just coming to work that I enjoy now because of him. I enjoy talking to him, and I also enjoy seeing him outside of work. The bad part is that I find myself thinking about him in a very unhealthy way. Sexually I should say. It’s like every time he pulls his shirt up to wipe his face I find myself ogling at him. Or I can’t stop looking when he laughs. And this is very very out of left field for me. Men aren’t my thing and I’ve never been with one or even thought about it.
I’m just confused and don’t know what to do. It’s killing my sex life with my fiancé as I’m constantly thinking about this guy. Btw this guy is 25M, physically fit, kind of an alternative look to him, and a very nice body.
254
83
u/therealmrsfahrenheit 1d ago
Well obvious things outta the way first : Don’t marry her. That wouldn’t be fair for both of you.
Then I’d say you should definitely not shame yourself for the feelings you’re feeling right now and put more pressure on to you. That won’t do you any good. In my opinion you shouldn’t feel obligated to tell your fiance or anyone If you don’t want to but you definitely need to figure things out for yourself and what you wanna do going forward.
It’s also probably clever to first find out If there would be a chance for something (whatever that might be) happening between the two of you and If he’s interested as well or If he has a girlfriend/ wife or whatever.
I hope we’re gonna get an update 🙏🏻 wishing you the best of luck either way
119
u/stilljustaprettyface 1d ago
It’s okay to be bisexual. There is nothing wrong with it. But I think you should work out your current relationship issues because it seems like something more is going on there.
22
u/communaldepression 1d ago edited 18h ago
This happened to me. I was single at that time though. I was VERY attracted to someone of the same sex. This person was above average at best, but I found them to be the most attractive. I think the vibe this person had made all the difference. They were my coworker. Senior, a bit older than me, I think. They were always so nice to me and had a calming energy. This person also stared at me a lot. Idk why. I dont think they were queer. I think I just seemed interesting to them. Idk. But when I was looked at by them, I couldn't think. Like I was lost in their aura or something. I had absolutely zero intension of exploring this because that's not a lifestyle for me. I wasn't going to flip my whole life over for this sudden and out-of-left-field crush.
So what I did was I distanced myself from them. Less chit chat, looking elsewhere when we were working at the same spot (thankfully that didn't happen often), and just focused on other things.
Distance is your friend. Change your job if you must.
You're infatuated with this person. Don't f up your life over this.
For me, it's been 9+ years since I saw them last. Totally forgot about it until now. Forgot their name even, until now. You will move on from this just like I did, but not if you're being buddy-buddy with him.
THANK GOD I didn't act on it because I'd have eventually gone back to the opposite sex (assuming they were interested to begin with), and would have hurt them and made myself feel weird in the process.
31
u/Signal_Historian_456 1d ago
Yeah.. I‘ll just leave you there in your closet until you’re ready mate. It’s fine. As long as it’s just fantasy and you don’t act on it in ANY way, it’s natural. You just really need to do something about your relationship. Work on it or end it. Don’t do this to either of you.
8
u/emmaconda 1d ago
I think you should put yourself first and really do some soul searching. Think about what mental state you want to be living in say 5 years from now. You're not wrong for feeling confused but you're also not wrong for questioning or wanting to explore your sexuality. Neither you nor your fiance deserve you feeling so torn up by this.
My advice would be don't jump in to hooking up with someone if you think you'll feel guilty or it will cause you distress (either because you've chosen to stay engaged or you feel some sort of shame about your sexuality (which you shouldn't!))
31
u/Stormydaycoffee 1d ago
Very amazing people don’t cheat on you twice. But it’s not right to cheat back either, emotionally or otherwise. Dodge the bullet, dump the cheater and go explore yourself
20
u/models_proj1 1d ago
You lost me at she cheated early on dude. Definitely should’ve let that go and saved yourself the time
As for the new guy just do you, go get that ! Lmao
0
1d ago
6
u/OwnTurn1146 1d ago
That's not true, and that kind of rhetoric is insanely damaging to people. Stop it
98
18
-1
u/aetherr666 1d ago
"Now, that DOES NOT justify anything. HOWEVER, how do I justify something I simply CANNOT control. These feelings were natural and just confusing."
no, no "HOWEVER" it begins and ends there
"i simply CANNOT control"
thats one of the defining features of human, we have greater control over ourselves than animals, so by saying you cannot control your urges you are reducing yourself to an animal
"It’s killing my sex life with my fiancé as I’m constantly thinking about this guy."
you show SOME sliver of respect to you partner and break up with her and dont be a trifling piece of trash who excuses his actions by saying he cannot control it
bullshit you cannot control it, YOU CHOSE NOT TO, SELFISH MAN
19
u/OwnTurn1146 1d ago
You can't control being attracted to someone. Quit pearl clutching.
From what he has said, he is trying to figure things out, not trying to find a way to cheat.
Sometimes you get smacked in the face with an attraction out of nowhere, that you didn't ask for. Which is what it sounds like here.
It's perfectly ok for them to be confused and bot know what to do if they never expected to be attracted to someone of the same sex
That is completely different from trying to cheat
-9
u/Old_Bluebird4488 1d ago
don’t be gay or have sex before marriage if you can control it. I agree 100%
5
u/aetherr666 1d ago
Don't be dense, the message is as clear as a cloudless summer day, don't be a cheating PoS
2
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
No one has cheated besides her 😂 literally. I came on here looking for advice/guidance for conflicting and confusing feelings that I’m having. You’re the type of person that is the reason people are fearful of coming out. The kind of person thats beyond suppressive of others feelings as if its all black and white.
10
u/aetherr666 1d ago
Also you're still bringing up that she cheated like she owes you something, you chose to stay with her, you don't get to hide behind that either, it doesent make you the bigger man, you lost any and all rights to being the wounded victim when you forgive her and rebuilt the relationship, the time to walk away was when you found out and using is like a sword of Damocles makes me very much on your partner's side, and I detest cheaters... But at least she isn't hiding it anymore based on your post
Get over it or leave
6
u/aetherr666 1d ago
Come out all you want, I made my point quite clear, if you're refusing to read that's on you
Gay, straight, bi
Cheating trash is cheating trash and two wrongs don't make a right, you're justifying being a piece of stinky garbage by slapping a pride flag on it, it's pathetic
1
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Control what exactly? The feelings? That’s what I’m talking about.
-2
u/aetherr666 1d ago
"feelings" you're drooling over the guy and you dont see how fucking disrespectful that is? Honestly there's no hope for you if you can't see what you just typed out and all the excuses you made to get around your own accountability and infidelity
42
u/electricsugargiggles 1d ago
Do you have many friends at this stage in your life? Do you connect with your other coworkers in close ways?
I only ask because if you (like many) have some difficulty identifying your feelings, it’s easy to confuse “attraction” with being impressed or recognizing simpatico with a new person (and that person just happens to be nice to look at).
I advise you to take a beat and really reflect on what you’re experiencing. While it might be normal to have a little bit of a crush on someone, limerence can get really destructive. You’ve mentioned that it’s already affecting your intimate life with your partner.
It might be beneficial to discuss how to regain control and balance of your thoughts, how to keep limerence in check, and give yourself healthy boundaries. A therapist can help you navigate this as well as any gay/bi/DL/questions and concerns.
I really wish you luck going forward {{hugs}}
4
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Everyone please look at the updated body.
15
u/No-Reaction-5051 1d ago
she cheated on you twice before? i would break up with someone the first time. i think you should end your relationship with her for that reason alone, if not for your confusing feelings.
14
63
u/FloatOldGoat 1d ago
I'm a gay man, but I have recently started being a little sexually curious about a woman I'm acquainted with. It's pretty inconvenient for me, as I had long since considered the matter of my sexuality as fixed.
19
u/TheSilentTitan 1d ago
Comes join us bi’s bro, we’re the true master race. Men? Women? Why deny yourself half of humanity…
Jokes aside, it’s certainly a fuckin hurdle ain’t it? Like I was firmly straight until I had an Andrew in drag moment yknow? Sat in the dark for awhile ruminating on that.
7
u/lavenderlesbian01 1d ago
i identified as a lesbian for years, got curious about men and now i identify as bi.
8
u/recreationallyused 1d ago
Crazy how it ends up like that sometimes. I realized last year I only enjoy kissing nerds with weird genders.
4
-19
u/sjharrison 1d ago
AI - what is a diesel mechanic? And how many of them use tumultuous?
4
u/OwnTurn1146 1d ago
Trying to justify looking down on a diesel mechanic's intellect when you dont even know the word tumultuous is actually laughable
28
u/AggravatingHoneydew9 1d ago
I know a handful of diesel mechanics and they are notably smarter than an average person.. also tumultuous is a normal word
34
u/wickedbiscuit420 1d ago
Just because you don't know what a diesel mechanic is doesn't mean it's not real lol. And tumultuous is not that big a word.
15
52
u/Johnny-raven 1d ago
Nothing wrong feeling the way your feeling but if you love your fiancé you’ll just let it go.
No different than if it was a hot girl
1
u/OwnTurn1146 1d ago
This one right here. If you are going to be faithful then the gender of anyone else doesnt matter even when it comes to attraction.
If being attracted to another man really puts a spur in your boot and is something you have to explore then you need to break up with your fiance, and also- don't shit where you work.
It doesnt matter if it's a male or female, you don't know if they would be into you. I wouldn't touch that kind of workplace drama at all.
The exploring your sexuality is definitely worth consideration though, and a conversation with your fiance
28
u/LawAggravating330 1d ago
First of all I want to commend you for being courageous enough to share something so vulnerable.
Secondly, we all respect that you posted this on the True off My Chest thread, a place for you to vent your truth without receiving advice or preaching.
Lastly if advice is something you need for such a major turning point, both individual and queer friendly couples therapy is hands down the best place to get the kind of advice that will help you grow to be the person you want to be with confidence.
And remember, a person who truly loves you will know when it’s time to stand by your side and when it’s time to let go.
37
u/RegrettablyDownBad 1d ago
sounds like you might be bi and having your first crush on a guy! i don’t think you need to immediately tell or break up with your fiance - its pretty normal to develop crushes and be attracted to people other than your partner- but def talk to her if you get to the point where feel like you want to explore this more or have a strong urge act on it in any way. maybe she would be supportive of it, maybe she’ll break up with you, but it’s better to tell her and give her a chance to make that choice for herself
21
13
u/MenaceMinded 1d ago
A lot of people are saying you are bisexual, but you could also be hetero-flexible.
Hetero-flexible means you are usually straight but experience attraction to a guy every once in a while.
It seems like this is causing you great turmoil and confusion. I would call off the wedding for now and explore your feelings in therapy. Then come back to getting married once you have this mentally sorted out.
14
u/Diplobrocus 1d ago
I know a number of guys who realised they were bisexual while engaged or married to a woman. It's not unusual to figure these things out later in life and the timing can awkward (if, like them, you stay with and monogamous to your partner and never get to explore this side). All of these guys took their time to understand what these sexual feelings for men meant, and what their priority was, and all, after some time and some inner turmoil, are out and comfortable. Their wives/fiancees were understanding and supportive, and have stayed together without issue.
None of this attraction is abnormal, or needs to affect your relationship with your fiancee as it is for now. But it will need you to spend some serious time working to understand exactly what you feel, what you want, and how to proceed. Have those honest conversations with yourself, and with your partner when/if you're ready and you need to, and here's hoping it all works out. Just know and take comfort that you're not the only person to have gone through this, and that others have navigated it to a happier place. Best of luck.
24
u/6okok6 1d ago
I don’t understand why people here are reacting like you can’t ever be attracted to another person while in a relationship…its not unfair and it’s not cheating
It’s only cheating if you acted on it
Hot take: tell your partner about it, maybe it’s something yall can enjoy together - not in the “take the guy home” way but in the “isn’t he hot????” Kind of way - there are healthy ways to go about this and they all start with communication
3
u/Till-Fuzzy 1d ago
Seriously. It’s crazy what kind of life you can unlock by just being honest and open with your partner.
13
6
u/JadoreBootyNoir 1d ago
Is the other mechanic Gay or Bi?
This is really interesting. I mean this sucks for your fiancé and you definitely need to call off the wedding.
24
u/purps2712 1d ago
I don't think having a crush you intend to do nothing about is a big deal. However it sounds like you should spend some time thinking about your sexuality and maybe talking to therapist about it before you get married
There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, bi, straight, or anything in between. This could be a one off same sex attraction for all we know. I just think you owe it to yourself to think about it and maybe learn a little about yourself before tying the knot
0
14
u/cupcakekitten20 1d ago edited 1d ago
Put some logic & facts between you and the limerance for this guy. You don't know him, he's just nice to look at and you "feel" something towards him. So what? Not all feelings lead to good things
Do not express your feelings to him. Don't tell your fiance. I'm sure the more you get to know him the more you'll realize he's not for you anyway. But if he actually is someone that turns out to take seriously, and things escalate... Will you regret it when you leave your fiance? You're already cheating. Will he actually be with you for the long haul after knowing you had someone but fell for him anyway? He'll probably (rightfully so) think you'll do the same to him...
If you're willing to leave your fiance and risk your job, go for him
8
u/vitamin-z 1d ago
I was 100% with you until you said he was already cheating. I dont think it's healthy to have this sort of crush on someone, but he's not cheating whatsoever.
3
u/Akhaatenn 1d ago
It can be argued he is emotionally cheating. But if it's really limerence, that's way more nuanced than that as it's not something you can easily brush off, nor is it something you can control.
But considering the fact that op said his szx life is affected then that means the limerence is translating into acts and that can fall under emotional cheating (withdrawing from your relationship for another one). We also don't know if he engages in flirting or other things his partner wouldn't approve of.
2
u/cupcakekitten20 1d ago
No arguing about it. Didn't say it was easy. No relationship is easy whether one deals with limerance or not. We do know his partner wouldn't approve. He's literally brushing her affections off to hang out with someone he'd rather be with sexually...
3
u/cupcakekitten20 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hanging out with someone after work that he would rather f*ck than his fiance, staring at him with his shirt off, daydreaming about doing him, etc... Yeah, okay lol 🤣 Totally not cheating
54
u/WhoKnows78998 1d ago
I had the same confusing thoughts until I admitted to myself I was bisexual. Congrats!
Also keep in mind that being bi doesn’t mean poly/cheating. You can be monogamous too. I’m happily married to a woman and never step out
-9
10
u/No_Window458 1d ago
I feel bad for ur fiance….
This is one of my biggest fears. I’m praying my fiance never do this to me. I would be extremely hurt and embarrassed.
Please if ur having feelings for somebody else, end things with her. She deserves better.
37
u/spoookyspencer 1d ago
I dont think this is very good advice. He cant help the way he feels and is obviously very confused. Theres definitely a healthy way to get through this.
-22
u/No_Window458 1d ago
So emotionally cheating is okay??
4
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
I’m not emotionally cheating. He’s a friend where the feelings or semi attraction may have developed heavily over the course of us being close friends and co workers, but I’ve not actually indulged or treated him more than a friend.
2
6
60
u/PhoenixApok 1d ago
I'm a bi guy with heavy leanings towards women.
But every once in awhile I see a guy that takes my breath away.
I personally believe very very few people are 100% straight or gay.
When you see how much more open women are to being "a little bit bi" vs men, I think the numbers are actually a lot more close to equal, just society says bi guys are usually just gay men in denial.
10
5
u/DoesBasicResearch 1d ago
bi guys are usually just gay men in denial.
Or straight guys are just bi guys in denial...🤔
2
14
u/RainbowUnicorn0228 1d ago
The thing is, you don’t really know this co-worker. 6 months of working together isn’t a whole lot of time. How long have you been with your fiancé?
It’s natural to be excited by someone new who is easy on the eyes. Just like it’s natural to look at the desert cart and want desert even though you just had a great meal. It’s doesn’t devalue the meal to salivate over a delicious desert.
If you were single, do you think he would be into you? Do you even have a real chance with your co-worker? Is it just safe because you are in a committed relationship and don’t think of yourself as gay or bi?
-4
u/jaymagic1125 1d ago
Probably gay. At the very least bisexual. DO NOT share these thoughts with either of them. Trust me, it will not end well.
2
u/DoesBasicResearch 1d ago
So just repress his sexuality for the rest of his life? That will not end well.
-1
u/jaymagic1125 1d ago
Who said anything about repression. Don't read into things. He should handle this thing and work through it on his own or ideally with a therapist. Most straight guys would be freaked out if a "straight" male coworker professed feelings for them, in addition to possibly jeopardizing his career.
It's no different than if the coworker was a woman. And professing sexual feelings for a man to ones gf is a big no-no. Despite what you might want to believe about how enlightened women are nowadays, the majority are turned off, or even disgusted by their guy being with another man even once. Men can't even admit to having feelings without being called "sassy" all over the Internet, which is essentially a way to emasculate men and also be low-key homophobic at the same time, because if there truly was nothing wrong with being gay, or effeminate, then that term wouldn't even be applied in the derogatory/pejorative manner that almost exclusively accompanies it. As a rule, open homosexuality or a homosexual past is only somewhat acceptable for women. It's almost never widely socially accepted for men.
0
u/DoesBasicResearch 1d ago edited 1d ago
> Who said anything about repression. Don't read into things.
Oh right - so what exactly what did you mean when you said
DO NOT share these thoughts with either of them. Trust me, it will not end well.
Immediately after declaring that OP was "Probably gay. At the very least bisexual."? You believe in gay aversion therapy or something? Because he either has to repress that shit, or tell his fiancé about it now.
Despite what you might want to believe about how enlightened women are nowadays, the majority are turned off, or even disgusted by their guy being with another man even once.
I am going to need a source for that ridiculous, sweeping statement 😂
if there truly was nothing wrong with being gay, or effeminate, then that term wouldn't even be applied in the derogatory/pejorative manner that almost exclusively accompanies it
Are you stuck in the 1970s? Or a homophobe? Have you met any young people in the last 20 years? They don't think or talk like this, from my anecdotal experience.
As a rule, open homosexuality or a homosexual past is only somewhat acceptable for women.
This is some straight up bullshit 😂 Perhaps you're repressing your homosexuality?
5
u/purps2712 1d ago
That would genuinely be the WORST possible thing to do, look at all the violence that comes from repressing your sexuality? I'm with you, repression isn't healthy
20
u/evenstarcirce 1d ago
OP, have you ever looked at your wife or any female the same way? if yes, you are bisexual. if you havent, you are probably gay. thats okay, but dont drag someone around like this. your fiancee deserves better. imagine if your partner was ogling someone else, thinking about them, having a crush on them.. how would you feel if someone did that to you? its not a nice thing to do to anyone. i suggest to either take a break, or to break up. she deserves better than that, and you deserve to be yourself openly.
1
u/Valuable-Ad1063 1d ago
Also, even if he has thoughts about other men but chooses to stay with her for a while, it can potentially become overwhelming after a while, and they could end up divorced with multiple kids and assets in their names, after wasting years of his partner's time.
I've heard multiple stories, one from a person I know irl, of men thinking they're hetero or suppressing homosexual feelings in order to marry a woman and suit the expected social norm, only to leave them over a decade later when shared duties increase.
Additionally, even if OP will stay with his wife for the rest of their lives, his FOMO and frusturation could lead to resentment that will be unjustly directed against her or the kids. It could strain the relationship and leave her traumatized and insecure.
2
-3
u/OGBunny1 1d ago
Just because you get a boner for this dude does not mean you need a label. Talk to your girl and the guy and see where you land.
10
14
u/GodIsANarcissist 1d ago
OP: do NOT talk to the guy about this if he has shown no sexual interest in you. First of all, it will make work awkward and uncomfortable. Second, if you are going to stay with your fiance then there is absolutely no reason to address it at all. If you tell her, you're going to fill her with self-doubt and she'll be hurt because she might start thinking you don't think she's good enough for you
5
u/Temo2212 1d ago
I’m sure all of us have had 1 or 2 not so good
Think about him this way and just wank so you won’t sacrifice your relationship to a random crush
BUT if you think you might be unhappy with your fiancee or you might regret smth in the future I think you should fuck him or any other dude at least once so you know
-13
u/Gatorrea 1d ago
You're gay... don't get married or you'll regret it. Good luck figuring things out and don't be afraid to be yourself.
7
u/Background-Animal665 1d ago
Why are bisexual men such a taboo to people?? He has a whole female fiance and now he's attracted to a male and he's immediately gay?
Bisexual men exist. They're allowed to be attracted to both.
9
11
13
33
u/Icy-Mix-2613 1d ago
Bisexuals exist
0
u/Haunting-Ad788 1d ago
Do bisexual men have a bad sex life with their female fiancée because they keep thinking about a guy at work.
8
26
u/Disastrous-Square662 1d ago
Sometimes we are attracted to people that are outside our norm. You might be straight every other time, but there is something you just really like about him. It’s absolutely ok and normal.
Also, sometimes we get friend crushes because we are excited that we’ve met someone that is really amazing that you want to hang out with.
24
u/firstreformer 1d ago
Dude do not get married right now if you’re feeling like this both you and your fiancée will resent each other
32
-2
u/Johnny_Poppyseed 1d ago
You should break up with your girl.
Forget it's a man for the moment. If it was a woman you'd still basically already be emotionally cheating on your fiance. Plus already considering being willing to sacrifice your current relationship for that person etc etc.
The whole being attracted to men thing adds another dynamic for you, but even without that you're in too deep.
Basically you're only options are breakup with your girl, quit your job and go no contact with the crush, or continue emotionally cheating on your gf until that blows up in your face spectacularly.
22
u/BobLoblaw420 1d ago
He never said he was considering cheating and what he is doing isn’t emotional cheating. He just started having these feelings and is asking for advice. Calm down
-9
u/terplordbob 1d ago
Ah man. You're one of those who won't accept reality huh? I hope you heal yourself before you get in any relationship for the other person's sake.
1
10
u/Johnny_Poppyseed 1d ago
He said in the comments hed be potentially willing to leave his gf for this guy, but was worried he wouldn't like the gay relationship and would then be alone without both...
He's also thinking about this guy constantly for months, both loving being around him and talking with him and also thinking about him sexually so much it's affecting his sex life with his fiance... That's like the definition of emotionally cheating lol.
0
u/BobLoblaw420 1d ago
Yeah in the comments not the post. Calm down and stop trying to label what’s happening as cheating. He’s never had these feelings before and needs a bit of time to process them. It’s not like he’s felt this way and deliberately mislead his girlfriend
0
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Yes, kind of, except I keep those feelings to myself and never indulge in or make it apparent.
7
26
u/VonBrewskie 1d ago
Hey man, respect. First off, there's nothing wrong with you. You're feeling natural things. Like the current top comment says, you may not be completely straight my dude. Nothing wrong with that at all. Very common. Just like if you were feeling these feelings for another woman, make sure you respect your current partner, whatever that means for you both. So no cheatin' and no disrespectin', you know? But also don't deny yourself who you may be. Best of luck to you homie. I know that is a confusing time, especially if you're already committed to someone else currently.
2
23
u/superfuzzbros 1d ago edited 1d ago
I got some news for you bud. I’d put the hand on shoulder guy meme here if I was allowed.
You’re probably bi or some flavor of it and you should treat being attracted to him the same as if you were attracted to a woman. It’s still cheating on your fiancé even if it’s “just exploring”
9
u/gdpreddit 1d ago
Be honest to yourself first about your orientation and most importantly tell your fiance when you are!!!
23
u/Masterofmyondelusion 1d ago
You have a crush and it sounds like you are indulging in it. You need to treat it the same way you would if it were a female. It's not "unhealthy" thoughts and nobody cares if you're gay or straight. Obviously it's complicated for you
11
u/JadieJang 1d ago
Not everyone knows their sexuality at a young age, and sexuality DOES flow over the course of your life. Just don't freak out.
But DO be honest with your partner, NOW, before you make any decisions or do anything you might regret. If she's a real partner to you, she'll help you navigate this. And the two of you do need to put your wedding on hold, if it's in the works.
If you're in the U.S., there's an LGBT hotline that can point you to some resources for questioning people: 888-843-4564. If you're not, look up your country/city and "LGBT hotline" or the equivalent in your language. There are support groups for people who are questioning their sexuality, and I think you might benefit from one.
And DON'T make this your coworker's problem! Being suddenly attracted to ANYONE while you're in a committed relationship is an ethical and moral minefield, but the queer twist makes this doubly complicated. Figure yourself out first, and figure your relationship out first, and LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT.
33
u/madqueenludwig 1d ago
It sounds like you should be open to the possibility that you're not completely straight. But the question is whether you are committed to your partner and can let your crush go, or you want to split up and explore that other side of you.
11
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Well it’s definitely affecting the way I view and feel about my fiancé.
7
u/_Kendii_ 1d ago
That sucks. But it’s better to be happening now rather than later. How does it change your feelings toward fiancé?
Does it actually change regrading her or is it just regarding your crush? There’s a pretty big distinction there.
6
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Honestly I think I need time to reflect so I can make that determination myself. Thank you for your feedback.
9
u/Listen_Mother 1d ago
Would you be willing to ruin your engagement over him?
-2
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
Potentially. Idk. I truly just don’t know. I’m afraid that if I do, I’m going to end up not liking it and then I’m stuck in a position to where now work is weird and I don’t have a fiancé to go home to.
7
u/owlgal369 1d ago
A lot of people end up with these kinds of feeling after getting engaged/while planning a wedding, and it usually has to do more with anxiety/fear about the planned future, and whether they've made the right choice of person to spend their life with. Sometimes its thinking that they aren't good enough for their partner, other times its thinking that their partner isn't good enough for them; there's other reasons to, but these are the most common. The reality is that often times these new attractions to another person are a way of escape from the worry they're feeling. It's possible that at least part of what you're feeling is rooted in some of this worry about the future.
I'd suggest taking a day off work and driving out into the country and hiking or fishing or another outside activity on your own/without a friend - if there's no one around who knows you, you can think through everything, or even talk through what you're thinking without having to worry about letting someone down. (But please don't go off into the wilderness without telling anyone where you are, that's a recipe for disaster.)
You said your fiancé is amazing, and I'm sure you wouldn't be getting married if you didn't love her. I'm sure she loves you too just as much. You need to actually know what you want and how you feel before you can have an honest conversation. She likely has her own fears about the future or her own uncertainties about what she can provide to an amazing guy like you. But y'all won't be able to talk through those things until you can be honestly with yourself. Is it your sexuality? Are you subconsciously looking for a way out? Why is it now that you've started having these feelings when you've studied and worked around attractive men your whole life? What do you feel like need to change or needs to stay the same. And when you think of your future, 20 or 50 years down the line, what do you want the most out of your life?
I hope you're able to have a good conversation with your fiance and with yourself! Good luck!
2
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
I love your comment and I’ll do just that to be honest. Give me about 30 minutes or so and I’ll try to actually reply it.
31
u/ACNH_lord 1d ago
Your fiancée doesn’t deserve this. She shouldn’t be a placeholder for you to figure yourself out.
6
17
u/Snackdoc189 1d ago
It's not unhealthy bro. Sexuality is massive spectrum and it's not as simple as just "gay or straight". Sounds like you got a little crush on your coworker. It is what it is. Just don't cross any boundaries since you're in a relationship and if it gets to be to much, limit your time together to just work hours.
3
u/justaregularguyearth 1d ago
Live ur truth bro. Stop surpressing yourself. You won’t be truly happiest until you do what makes you happy.
6
u/Unable-Effective1628 1d ago
I definitely should do that, IF ONLY it was something I could control myself. These feelings get overwhelming sometimes.
8
u/Snackdoc189 1d ago
I hear what your saying man. It can be hard for guys sometimes because society expects you to be a certain way. I am like an almost stereotypical masculine American man. It took me a really long time to come to terms with the fact and admit to myself that I'm attracted to men as well as women. And once I did that, and once I learned to accept myself, I really just stopped caring. It's just part of who I am as a person. I'm a veteran, I like red meat, guns, heavy metal, handsome men and pretty women. You'll be alright bro.
5
u/Jurassic_Duck 1d ago
Its a crush, man. Man or woman doesn't change that. It can be a struggle to keep your mind off it at times, but recognize that you chose to commit to your partner. If this affects that commitment that deeply, then you may have to take the time explore yourself, and give her the freedom to find someone who loves her without lusting after others.
2
u/Omnizoom 1d ago
Dude doesn’t matter what piece of meat in front of you that you are ogling, man woman or whatever else, you are in a relationship with a commitment since they are a fiance.
Figure yourself out now or let them go find someone who can, every month you wait is a month they could be with someone not chasing some other tail.
4
u/crispycrackerzx 1d ago
Bisexuality is a normal thing, dont feel its u healthy or feel badly about it. You are allowed to have an attraction to this guy (or any guy) but certainly don't act on it unless you decide thats a part of yourself that is more important to explore than keeping your commitment to your fiancé. If that is the case you need to speak with her about it and/ or cut her loose
1
u/[deleted] 1d ago edited 1d ago