assalamu alaykum

i don’t even know how to word this but i wanted to get it off of my chest

i (f) have such a strange relationship with myself. i hate myself, and i have no self love. my mind cannot comprehend that i should love myself. the best i could describe is indifference and disgust. i can’t even remember the last time i felt proud of myself.

i just wish i was a little smarter and more capable. i genuinely feel so stupid. not to mention that nobody takes me seriously because my voice sounds like a child. wallahi i hate my voice. people have made fun of me for it and it makes me hate speaking. not only that, i feel like i might not be normal. like psychologically. i struggle with social interactions and i feel like i am the dumbest in the room.

if anyone knows any books to be a more mature person, i will appreciate it.

Assalamualaikum my brothers and sister i am 22 currently in uni i use to pray 5 times in mosque except for fajar now i don't know i drifting my self away form Allah idk I am into soo many bad stuff right now how do I get out of it pls help ur brother

I have been a top student all my life, always got good grades. I did my undergrad in computer science and engineering in south asia, i was always career oriented. I wanted to do masters in US, to which my parents disagreed to sending alone because i never lived alone in my entire life, i agree to their point. So i got married to a guy in US, and moved here, did masters. My husband is the sweetest and most thoughtful guy, my in laws are great too. All of them supported my career decisions.

After i graduated masters, a lot of rules about international students changed and i could not find a job because of the rules (i have a 4.0 gpa too, i interviewed at a top company went through all rounds just to get rejected in the end because of my work authorization. They had a history of hiring international students but idk they changed their mind ig. To maintain my visa status, i worked as a voluntary software developer at a startup of a professor at my uni (unpaid) for 8 months.

Then, due to visa stuff, i had to start a phd. I hate it, i never expected to go into research so i have no foundation init. I don't even know what my interest is and i am struggling to even stick to a topic to start my research in. am even struggling to focus on the required courses and performing very badly in them. am a TA, so Alhamdulillah for the funding.

All this, my mom keeps talking about a baby, i am 25 years old and it is about 4 years since i got married. I feel so old, i have no stable career, i am so due for a baby. It is like i wanted to be a career woman, and in the end i could neither be that nor a housewife. I can’t even keep up my grades forget about doing research after the university’s insane favor upon me.

I really don't know what Allah has planned for me, but it is so difficult navigating through my intense fear of failure and having patience. Especially after an extremely hard time during job hunting. I feel like i am getting dumber everyday and need to forget everything i wanted and just start a family. On the other hand, when i imagine doing that i grieve all my lost potential and dreams i had. My husband always praises how smart i am, but unfortunately i am not. I let him and everyone down after all the support and love they have shown me. I wish i could go back in time and change everything that went wrong.

Also, i am a practicing muslim and a hijabi, and take all prayers very seriously. I know i should continue making dua, but i am not sure how to have patience while making the dua.
I really don't know how to handle this.

TW: childhood sexual abuse, suicide

When I was very young (a toddler), I was SA'd and shown p**n by my teacher and my father's friend. The teacher SA'd me for weeks to months. Since I didn't get my period until I was 12, I obviously didn't get pregnant, but I had to get medical help, and even the doctor's team got mad at my parents. I'm physically fully healed now and nothing is wrong with me, but it still disgusts me.

After that, I was harassed throughout my teen years. My cousins also harassed me sexually growing up. No matter how much I told my mother, she never took me seriously enough to help. Instead of punishing the people who did this to me, my parents told me to be patient, never talk about it, stay quiet and move on. But how does a girl move on when both her parents knew the men who did this and let it happen? My parents know who they are, and they won't do anything, to protect my "dignity."

But I want justice. I don't want my story to be public with my name on it, but I want those men to get what they deserve. To ease my pain, I maladaptive daydream about killing them in different ways and castrating them. I keep imagining all the violent ways I could make them feel the pain. I know this is bad, I probably wouldn't have the guts to do it in real life, and I wouldn't do it even if I got the chance.

My parents wear niqab and are very "religious." I've worn hijab and big black clothes since I was a kid. I was never allowed to smile, laugh, cry or show any emotion. I was selectively mute and was taught to smile and pretend to be fine through everything. I was taught I should always forgive. Never talk. Never say anything. That others have it worse. That women should obey men. I was basically a slave for my parents. I raised my siblings and was always the "third adult." I've long accepted that I never had a childhood.

There was a point in my life where I didn't talk to anyone, and a point where I hated my father and brothers. Until I was 12, I even hit my brother whenever he made any small mistake, because I hated that he was a boy and was sad that he might become like them.

I've had therapy and was even admitted to a psych ward for repeated suicide attempts because I felt so disgusting. To cover everything up, my parents told everyone I was just physically "sick." But I've never been diagnosed with anything except depression and PTSD. My family doesn't believe in mental health.
My younger siblings don't respect me because I'm "sick" all the time.

Everyone thinks I have physical health issues, but the reality is so far from that. I went to a therapist, but it didn't help. They only tried to pry for more information without giving me any insight. I don't have suicidal ideation anymore, and I want to live. I'm an adult now, but unlike others who went through worse (I've read so many people's stories), I can't seem to get over it.

I keep having nightmares (PTSD) of the things those men did to me. All I do is cry and stay in bed all day and night. I've been losing my appetite and my desire to keep living. I don't know how to live with myself anymore. I feel so disgusting. I know it's not my fault, since I was only a toddler when it started, but I don't know what to do anymore. Why were men able to use me when I was only 3? I was a kid. Why is that justified?

It's like all men think they can use me. I dislike men so much, and I dislike women just as much. I dislike everything and everyone. I don't have any close friends, and at uni I don't talk to guys unless it's for work. When I do, I pretend I don't get their flirting or just distance myself. I've started isolating myself. I'm not on any social media because I don't want any connections. I have no one to talk to about this, because everyone around me sees a different side of me. My parents made sure I'd never be able to talk about these things in real life.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I don't deserve love from anyone. I don't want to get married because I can't give love to someone when I can't love myself, so I've turned down proposals, which my parents dislike me for.

On the outside I seem so put together: nice parents, good living situation, good uni, good company. But it's far from the truth. To be honest, I do look like I'm doing well in life, and in a way I am. I feel so sad and bad that I'm not using my wealth and blessings well.

No one knows what a bad mental state I'm in. I'm always faking that I'm fine, but I'm not. I feel so disgusting and fake. It's a very lonely, miserable life inside my head, despite everything looking so nice. I'm probably going to fail my uni exams and disappoint my parents and myself, because I have no energy left. I have no motivation because I feel like a slave and I feel stuck. I don't know how to move on, and I feel like I'm ruining my life. I'm so sick of life.

Now my parents act good. They’ve stopped physically hitting me. I say "act" because even when they give me all the money to study abroad, I'm not able to feel it anymore. Maybe they do care, but it all feels like an act. I've forgiven them, and I always speak well of my parents to others and even to them.

But secretly it hurts so much that I cry in my room every night. I have hidden resentment toward them despite everything. I feel guilty that I can't truly forgive them, because I guess they're trying to do better now, kind of, by giving money.

I dislike that I still love them and that I'm scared to hurt their feelings. I dislike that loving them feels like hurting myself. It's killing me inside. I feel like I'm betraying myself every time I'm with them. I don't want to argue with them. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel this pain. I dislike myself for feeling these things. I feel selfish and disgusted with myself.
I feel so weak and powerless, but I want to move out and live alone. I don't have a job, so I can't. I'll have to live with them for at least another 10 years until I graduate.

I want to care for my parents when they're older. I see a future where I die alone. I want to die alone, or live alone, or just die. The pain is killing me inside.

I'm still Muslim and I love Allah. He's the only one I feel I can talk to. I feel like the only reason I'm alive is because of Allah. I'm getting hopeless, so I've been praying and crying to Allah. I've prayed a lot for months, and nothing's getting better. Now I don't know what to feel or how to navigate this. I'm so lost. Sometimes I blame those men, then my parents, and mostly myself. I wish I'd died as a kid.
I don't know what to do. I need advice.

In Islam, how does one deal with this?

1. What's the correct way to handle these feelings?

2. Why can't I forgive my parents?

3. Do I dislike them? I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

4. Is it okay to dislike my parents and distance myself from them, even while using all their resources?

5. Has anyone gone through something similar, where your parents were very abusive but you still love them?

6. How do I move on? How do I live a life that's truly normal, not just on paper?

This is just one major thing I've realised is ruining my life. Of course, there's more to where the PTSD comes from.

TL;DR: I was sexually abused since a toddler. My parents knew the abusers but covered it up and told me to stay silent. I'm an adult now with PTSD and depression. I look fine on the outside but I'm falling apart inside, and I'm struggling with loving my parents while resenting them. Due to this, I’m also neglecting myself, my studies and life. Looking for advice, especially from an Islamic perspective.

am i allowed to take my own life if i feel overwhelmed and also feel like impending doom ahead is unavoidable… i have done some stupid things i shouldn’t have and now i fear… i am so scared i pray Allah helps me out of this