Dude is driving down the freeway one day and notices a cop behind him.
Cop turns on lights and siren, so dude pulls over to the side of the road.
Cop says "Didn't you see me back there with my gear out clocking people? Got you at 10 over!"

Dude sheepishly admits he didn't see him, cop starts the "friendly talk"
Where are you headed so fast, where'd you come from...

Dude answers politely, but is peeved by the interrogation

Cop asks "What do you do for a living" as he writes the ticket...

Dude says "I'm an asshole stretcher"

Cop... "A what now?"

"An asshole stretcher... I get an asshole, and I work my pinkie in, then eventually work up to my thumb, and pretty soon, I have my whole hand in that asshole, and I eventually stretch it and stretch it until it's a little over six feet!"

Cop says "And what in the world do you do with a six foot asshole?!?!?"

"I dunno, give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the interstate..."

Its probably a fuckedifiknow.

A hippothoughtofus.

There's a new fine arts exhibit in town. An artist who wished to remain anonymous has his art piece on display that is a mirror with a painting on it that depicts the shadow of a man urinating into a toilet. Three experts gather around it to give their professional opinions.

The first expert says, whoever did this must be an American, only an American would come up with something like this.

The second expert says, no, but I'm pretty sure I know what this is... it's just propaganda to prop up the toilet industry.

The third expert then says, no, no, you two got it all wrong... it's urapeein.

She doesn’t put out on the first date.

With both his parents working long hours, Bobby had practically grown up at Grandpa's house. They went fishing, watched baseball, played games, and spent countless afternoons together.

Grandpa Joe wasn't just his grandfather. He was his best friend.

Unfortunately, Grandpa was very sick, and the doctors said he didn't have much time left.

Worried about how Bobby would handle the loss, his father decided to sit him down for a talk.

"Son, you know Grandpa hasn't been feeling well. One day soon, he's going to pass away."

Bobby looked down sadly.

"But when that happens," his father continued, "we're going to give him a wonderful send-off. The whole family will come. All your cousins, aunts, uncles, everybody. We'll share funny stories, look at old pictures, and remember all the good times."

Bobby listened quietly.

"And afterward, we'll have a huge family gathering. There'll be fried chicken, barbecue ribs, mashed potatoes, homemade pies, chocolate cake, ice cream... all of Grandpa's favorites. Everyone will eat, laugh, and have a wonderful time together."

Bobby's eyes grew wider with every word.

His father smiled reassuringly.

"Grandpa wouldn't want us to be sad. He'd want everyone to enjoy themselves."

Bobby thought about this for a moment.

Then, suddenly, his face lit up.

DAD, CAN WE KILL HIM TODAY?

The price is cracking... but the design is completely unhinged.

My Uncle Bill was an actor. Graduated from Yale school of drama and all that.

His big break was playing a serial murderer on an episode of America's Most Wanted.

But a week before it aired, the Sonofabitch was caught. So the network execs shelved Bill's episode and aired a rerun of some other man still on the lamb.

Which is a shame because I saw the tape, and Bill killed.

Two English gentlemen are about to play golf.

One arrives forty minutes late.

“Henry, what kept you?”

“Well, it’s Sunday, and I couldn’t decide whether to go to church or play golf.”

“I see. But why did it take you forty minutes?”

“I had to toss a coin fifteen times before I finally got golf!”

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow!"

Three software engineers and three hackers are taking a train to a convention.

On the trip to the convention, each of the engineers buys a ticket, but they notice that the hackers only buy one ticket for the three of them. They ask the hackers how they all plan to ride the train on only one ticket. "You'll see," they reply.

When they're all on the train, the engineers watch the hackers eagerly.

Just before the ticket collector comes by to collect the passengers' tickets, all three hackers pile into the same train bathroom. When the ticket collector passes by, he knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please." One of the hackers opens the door a crack and sticks their ticket out. When the ticket collector leaves, they pile back out and enjoy the rest of the trip.

For the return trip, the engineers decide they want to try the same trick. But this time, to their surprise, they notice that the hackers don't buy any tickets at all. The engineers ask the hackers how they plan to ride without any tickets. "You'll see," they reply.

When they're all on the train, the engineers again watch the hackers eagerly, but all they do is sit and smile. When the ticket collector is about to come by, the engineers all pack themselves in a bathroom stall, while, much to the engineers' confusion, the hackers remain seated.

After all the engineers are in the bathroom, two of the hackers rush into the other bathroom and wait for the third.

The third hacker goes to the bathroom the engineers are hiding in, knocks on the door, and says, "ticket, please."

With current inflation, i am downgrading from ADHD to AD720P with ads option.

Thereisnospacebar.

"My Pete's brought me some flowers again," says Tracy.

"You don't sound very pleased," says Dawn. "I'd be over the moon if my Mike bought me some flowers."

"Yes, but I'll have to have my legs in the air for a fortnight," replies Tracy.

Dawn looks surprised and says, "Don't you have a vase."

I said, "No. They're mine."

Finally, he pulls her aside and says, "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

And the secretary says, "My lawyer."

An Alabama cop pulls over two college boys driving on break from Ohio. As he reaches the driver side window, he taps on the window with his nightstick. The boy driving rolls it down.

"Was I speeding, officer?" asks the driver.

The cop whacks the driver on the head with the nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy "What was that for?!!"

"Son, people in this state respect the law. When an officer of the law pulls them over, they have their driver's license, registration and insurance ready and the window down!"

So the driver hurriedly pulls out the required documents and hands them to the cop.

The cop says, "You were doing 5 miles above the speed limit and I would normally drag your asses down to the station, but seeing that you're from out of state, I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time" and hands back the documents.

Then he walks around the car to the passenger side, and taps on the window with the nightstick. The passenger rolls down his window.

The cop whacks him on the head with his nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy. "What was that for?!!"

"I was making your wish come true!"

"What wish?"

"Oh, about a mile down the road, you were gonna say "I wish that fucking cop would've tried that bullshit on me!"

Pull out.

An employee in Sales is walking to his office building when the CEO pulls up in a brand new Bentley...

Employee : Wow, thats a beautiful car!!

CEO: Hey buddy, I'm going to let you in on a secret....

If you ignore stupid ideas like work-life balance, maintain focus, work nights and weekends and exceed your sales targets.... I'll be able to upgrade to an even fancier car next year!!

One sells watches and one watches cells

Then billionaires will stop building housing for it.

He said "I Kant".

A man walks into a library, approaches the front desk, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake, please."
The librarian looks at him, completely shocked, and says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The man blushes, looks around, nods quickly, and whispers:
"Oh, I am so sorry...^cheeseburger, ^large ^fries, ^and ^a ^chocolate ^shake, ^please."