Hebrews it

...that was sketching portraits of homosexuals. She really drew the gaze.

I said, "No. They're mine."

My Uncle Bill was an actor. Graduated from Yale school of drama and all that.

His big break was playing a serial murderer on an episode of America's Most Wanted.

But a week before it aired, the Sonofabitch was caught. So the network execs shelved Bill's episode and aired a rerun of some other man still on the lamb.

Which is a shame because I saw the tape, and Bill killed.

Doctor: How are you doing?

Man: Really well. I'm happy I have such a wonderful relationship with God.

Doctor: How so?

Man: God knows that I have bad eyesight but he helps me out.

Doctor: How's that?

Man: Whenever I go to the bathroom, I open the door and the light comes on. When I'm done, the light goes out.

Wife: He's been peeing in the refrigerator.

Finally, he pulls her aside and says, "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

And the secretary says, "My lawyer."

He is an ex-terminator

With current inflation, i am downgrading from ADHD to AD720P with ads option.

But I'm sure it's one you've herbivore.

Pull out.

Because the people who must are not.

But not terrified of the other 24 letters of the alphabet.

She sleeps on a tempurapedic.

USB.

An employee in Sales is walking to his office building when the CEO pulls up in a brand new Bentley...

Employee : Wow, thats a beautiful car!!

CEO: Hey buddy, I'm going to let you in on a secret....

If you ignore stupid ideas like work-life balance, maintain focus, work nights and weekends and exceed your sales targets.... I'll be able to upgrade to an even fancier car next year!!

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow!"

Then billionaires will stop building housing for it.

They use cursives

A man walks into a library, approaches the front desk, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake, please."
The librarian looks at him, completely shocked, and says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The man blushes, looks around, nods quickly, and whispers:
"Oh, I am so sorry...^cheeseburger, ^large ^fries, ^and ^a ^chocolate ^shake, ^please."

Thereisnospacebar.

He said "I Kant".

Blood vessels.

You can tune a piano, but can’t piano a tuna

An Alabama cop pulls over two college boys driving on break from Ohio. As he reaches the driver side window, he taps on the window with his nightstick. The boy driving rolls it down.

"Was I speeding, officer?" asks the driver.

The cop whacks the driver on the head with the nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy "What was that for?!!"

"Son, people in this state respect the law. When an officer of the law pulls them over, they have their driver's license, registration and insurance ready and the window down!"

So the driver hurriedly pulls out the required documents and hands them to the cop.

The cop says, "You were doing 5 miles above the speed limit and I would normally drag your asses down to the station, but seeing that you're from out of state, I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time" and hands back the documents.

Then he walks around the car to the passenger side, and taps on the window with the nightstick. The passenger rolls down his window.

The cop whacks him on the head with his nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy. "What was that for?!!"

"I was making your wish come true!"

"What wish?"

"Oh, about a mile down the road, you were gonna say "I wish that fucking cop would've tried that bullshit on me!"