"Are you crazy?" she says, and walks away.

He runs around the block and meets her at the next corner. "$1,000 to bite your breasts."

"I'm not that kind of woman!"

He runs around another block. "$10,000. Just one bite."

She stops. "...$10,000? Fine. But just once, and not here."

They go into a dark alley and she takes off her top. He goes crazy: kissing them, squeezing them, burying his face in them. But he never bites.

Finally she gets annoyed. "Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah. Costs too much."

An Alabama cop pulls over two college boys driving on break from Ohio. As he reaches the driver side window, he taps on the window with his nightstick. The boy driving rolls it down.

"Was I speeding, officer?" asks the driver.

The cop whacks the driver on the head with the nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy "What was that for?!!"

"Son, people in this state respect the law. When an officer of the law pulls them over, they have their driver's license, registration and insurance ready and the window down!"

So the driver hurriedly pulls out the required documents and hands them to the cop.

The cop says, "You were doing 5 miles above the speed limit and I would normally drag your asses down to the station, but seeing that you're from out of state, I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time" and hands back the documents.

Then he walks around the car to the passenger side, and taps on the window with the nightstick. The passenger rolls down his window.

The cop whacks him on the head with his nightstick.

"Ow!" exclaims the boy. "What was that for?!!"

"I was making your wish come true!"

"What wish?"

"Oh, about a mile down the road, you were gonna say "I wish that fucking cop would've tried that bullshit on me!"

Thereisnospacebar.

Two English gentlemen are about to play golf.

One arrives forty minutes late.

“Henry, what kept you?”

“Well, it’s Sunday, and I couldn’t decide whether to go to church or play golf.”

“I see. But why did it take you forty minutes?”

“I had to toss a coin fifteen times before I finally got golf!”

Finally, he pulls her aside and says, "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

And the secretary says, "My lawyer."

"My Pete's brought me some flowers again," says Tracy.

"You don't sound very pleased," says Dawn. "I'd be over the moon if my Mike bought me some flowers."

"Yes, but I'll have to have my legs in the air for a fortnight," replies Tracy.

Dawn looks surprised and says, "Don't you have a vase."

An employee in Sales is walking to his office building when the CEO pulls up in a brand new Bentley...

Employee : Wow, thats a beautiful car!!

CEO: Hey buddy, I'm going to let you in on a secret....

If you ignore stupid ideas like work-life balance, maintain focus, work nights and weekends and exceed your sales targets.... I'll be able to upgrade to an even fancier car next year!!

Then billionaires will stop building housing for it.

Three software engineers and three hackers are taking a train to a convention.

On the trip to the convention, each of the engineers buys a ticket, but they notice that the hackers only buy one ticket for the three of them. They ask the hackers how they all plan to ride the train on only one ticket. "You'll see," they reply.

When they're all on the train, the engineers watch the hackers eagerly.

Just before the ticket collector comes by to collect the passengers' tickets, all three hackers pile into the same train bathroom. When the ticket collector passes by, he knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please." One of the hackers opens the door a crack and sticks their ticket out. When the ticket collector leaves, they pile back out and enjoy the rest of the trip.

For the return trip, the engineers decide they want to try the same trick. But this time, to their surprise, they notice that the hackers don't buy any tickets at all. The engineers ask the hackers how they plan to ride without any tickets. "You'll see," they reply.

When they're all on the train, the engineers again watch the hackers eagerly, but all they do is sit and smile. When the ticket collector is about to come by, the engineers all pack themselves in a bathroom stall, while, much to the engineers' confusion, the hackers remain seated.

After all the engineers are in the bathroom, two of the hackers rush into the other bathroom and wait for the third.

The third hacker goes to the bathroom the engineers are hiding in, knocks on the door, and says, "ticket, please."

A man walks into a library, approaches the front desk, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake, please."
The librarian looks at him, completely shocked, and says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The man blushes, looks around, nods quickly, and whispers:
"Oh, I am so sorry...^cheeseburger, ^large ^fries, ^and ^a ^chocolate ^shake, ^please."

One sells watches and one watches cells

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow!"

USB.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and said:

'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,

The best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad

But the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and said,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,

Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

Takes the drunk by the shoulders

Looks him square in the eyes and said,

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

With current inflation, i am downgrading from ADHD to AD720P with ads option.

Safe to say it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard of.

The husband said you make the coffee in the morning because you’re the woman
The wife say you make the coffee because it’s in the bible
He said I don’t believe you, show me
She opens the bible to Hebrews

He is an ex-terminator

Doctor: How are you doing?

Man: Really well. I'm happy I have such a wonderful relationship with God.

Doctor: How so?

Man: God knows that I have bad eyesight but he helps me out.

Doctor: How's that?

Man: Whenever I go to the bathroom, I open the door and the light comes on. When I'm done, the light goes out.

Wife: He's been peeing in the refrigerator.

He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death.

“Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly.

Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”

Blood vessels.

On the third hole he said, "Let's make this interesting."

So we stopped playing golf...

He said "I Kant".