I find it interesting when an avoidant discards you with the usual "I need to focus on myself", " I have a lot on my plate", "we're just not compatible" and then offers friendship afterwards.

Except they're not really intending to be friends. They don't reach out. And when you do, they barely respond and claim they're super busy.

Except they're not. The idiots forgot that you know them and their routine and patterns and they keep doing the same shit including flirting all over social media.

So they're busy alright. They're too busy for you. Because they don't really want to be friends with you. They just don't want to be the bad guy in your book so they make your friendship so miserable and cause you to chase them to the point that you get tired and stop.

Then you leave as they intended you to leave except they can say you're the one who left them and so it's your fault.

The first two was from the first breakup. The second one was from the second breakup. She now tells me she has no feelings for me. These were one month apart..is this a discard?

[Original post]

[6 Month Recap]

So about six months have passed, five since our last communication. I've come a long way from where I started, and I'm genuinely happy with my life and the progress I've made. I've traveled both domestically and abroad, leaned on friends and family for support, worked with a therapist, made more of an effort to say yes to social opportunities, and built a consistent workout routine.

[Reflection]

I've noticed that I feel significantly less compelled to explain everything through the lens of attachment theory. In the beginning, it helped tremendously in creating my own explanations and finding some closure, but over time it became a sort of obsession.

So many videos claimed far too confidently that X would happen by Y timeline. Those predictions may have brought some temporary comfort, but for me, almost none of them panned out that way. People are not their attachment styles, and life does not play out in a vacuum. I've learned that attachment theory can provide a useful framework for understanding behavior, but it cannot reliably predict what any individual will do.

Another important lesson has been recognizing that I can love someone deeply without making myself responsible for their healing. Understanding someone's struggles doesn't mean I have to accept the ways those struggles affect me, nor does it mean I can do the work of healing for them.

Unsurprisingly, as time passes, I find myself dwelling on the past less and less. But I'm still human, and she does still cross my mind occasionally.

[Unexpected Encounter]

Recently, a friend of mine reached out to explain that my ex was planning to visit his city and had asked to meet for dinner. He wanted to prioritize our friendship and make sure I was comfortable with it. I told him I had no objections and that he should absolutely go, as they were friends too. I only asked that he not bring me up unless I came up naturally.

Early in the breakup, I actually went out of my way to encourage our mutual friends to maintain their relationships with her. She was convinced everyone would hate her, and I didn't want her to lose her support system. Unfortunately, nearly all those friendships have since fallen apart. So we were both surprised that she reached out to him at all.

After dinner, my friend filled me in on what turned out to be a rather unfortunate encounter.

He said that almost immediately after sitting down and asking how she was doing, she launched into a series of negative comments about me, my life, and my friends.

He found it disrespectful, especially when comparing it to how I've continued to speak positively about her and our time together. He was also confused about why she thought he'd be a receptive audience, knowing that he and I are close friends.

He said the reasons she gave for ending our relationship didn't seem to make much sense to him, and he got the impression that she wasn't fully speaking from her genuine feelings. He also felt that she was going out of her way to emphasize how happy she is with her new partner, although the reasons she gave for her feelings struck him as rather superficial.

His final observation was that it almost felt like he was sitting across from a completely different person.

I won't lie, hearing all of this was a little hurtful, even if it wasn't entirely surprising.

It's still jarring to reconcile this with the person who came crying to my doorstep days after our breakup, wondering aloud whether she was making a terrible mistake. The same person who told me I was the best partner she'd ever had and the only person who truly knew and understood her.

When we broke up, I explicitly asked whether there was anything I could have done better. She offered no meaningful grievances and repeatedly explained that she needed to be alone to figure out who she was. She told several of our friends the same thing.

Within about a month, she was seeing someone else. Now, several months later, the account of our relationship she shared with my friend seems substantially different from the one she gave me.

I suspect some of this may be an attempt to reconcile her past feelings with her present decisions. No one wants to be the villain in their own story. But ultimately, I can't know what she genuinely believes, and I've realized that I no longer need to.

I still choose to remember and speak positively about her and the relationship we shared. It wasn't perfect, but it was meaningful, and I don't need to rewrite those years to make sense of how they ended.

In a strange way, hearing about this encounter has helped me loosen some of the last remaining emotional ties I had to her wellbeing. I still wish her the best, but her journey is no longer mine to worry about.

I still care about the person I knew and the memories we shared, but I've accepted that our relationship as it existed is gone. Whatever happens next in her life is hers to navigate.

I genuinely have empathy for people struggling with these patterns, whether you call them avoidant attachment or something else entirely. Being on the receiving end has been painful, but I know now that I'll be okay. I can't know what her experience is like, and I hope she eventually finds whatever peace and happiness she's looking for.

Finally, thank you to the strangers here who left thoughtful comments when I was struggling the most. Some of those words helped more than you probably realize, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to listen.

I had absolutely no clue such things existed until my discard (It happened 4 months ago). It's funny how after such experience you just keep reading and learning about these things. I would never guess I could get *that* interested in psychology

So on the surface that might sound "nice" like he's wishing me good things and ending things on a good note. But mine said this at the end of his sudden, emotionless discard text (which had ZERO nice words about what we shared or what I had meant to him or anything nice about me or the relationship at all) and it just felt so empty like it came from a breakup robot LOL.

This was the only platitude I got and honestly for the level of connection he previously said he felt (he claimed he had never felt this way about anyone in his life and envisioned our future), it was a slap in the face to get this generic breakup line out of the blue.

Frankly, I've gotten job rejection emails that contained more warmth. It's sad.

(I know some of you have gotten some truly cruel words and my heart goes out to you)

The one part of the avoidant break up cycle I really struggle with is once the pressure is off, they’ve initiated the break up and it’s over, they can turn around and act like just friends and that nothing happened.

I get the point is the relationship causes perceived pressure which avoidants register as a threat to their emotional wellbeing, and that makes them want to flee. But I find it so mind boggling that once they’ve had a little bit of distance between you and break up, they can pop up and banter with you like nothing happened. A normal break up would generally assert a firm boundary, no people pleasing, being polite but when it comes to bids for connection the boundary is reinforced, no coming back to test the waters, no listening to pleas etc.

It feels like their actions are so close to self-awareness that the relationship isn’t the problem, otherwise they wouldn’t seek out or entertain the connection, but they seem wholly incapable of accessing that perspective. And it doesn’t matter who initiated the contact, it seems like they can’t honor or enforce the boundary and the break up that they swear they want.

Anyway, off to try to not interpret why my avoidant dumped me a week ago because he didn’t see a future but now he’s sending me photos of his Halloween costume.

My avoidant partner, when he was breaking up with me, told me that when he was with me he was fine, but when he wasn't, he had doubts about breaking up.

For those with fearful-avoidant attachment, what’s the appeal of walking away from a good connection for the novelty of someone new?

You’ve already built chemistry, trust, and familiarity with someone. Now you’re back at square one, learning somebody else’s favorite color and childhood trauma.

And for what? The same fear of vulnerability and abandonment, potentially with someone who’s an even worse match.

I’m genuinely curious what makes starting over feel more appealing than working through an established connection, especially when a long-term relationship is the goal.

LOL motherfucker you are the avoidant here

I'm a 42-year-old lesbian, and I'm struggling to make sense of the end of a relationship that I genuinely believed would be my last.

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up twice. Both times, the relationship ended after a period of deep emotional intimacy and discussions about our future together. Both times, she seemed to withdraw from a relationship that, until then, had felt extraordinarily loving. What makes this particularly difficult is that she knew she had a history of doing this.

She told me about it herself. She acknowledged that she'd repeatedly fallen in love, become deeply attached, and then suddenly found herself losing feelings or withdrawing when the relationship became serious. She identified with fearful-avoidant attachment and recognized that she'd sabotaged previous relationships in much the same way. After our first breakup, when we reconciled, she promised me that she wasn't going to let it happen again. She told me she knew what she wanted, that she wanted me, and that she was certain she wouldn't repeat the same pattern.

I believed her. And I don't think I was unreasonable to believe her. I loved her, she loved me, and I thought that recognizing her own behavior meant she understood what needed to change.

We began planning a future together. We talked about marriage, about sharing a home, and about spending the rest of our lives with each other. We promised each other that neither of us would ever have to be lonely again. I ultimately uprooted my life and moved across the country to be with her.

Five days after I arrived, she ended our relationship. Again.

She told me she'd lost the romantic attraction she once felt. She was frightened and overwhelmed, and she no longer wanted the future we'd been planning. I was devastated. I had left my life behind because I believed we were building one together. Suddenly, I was trying to find somewhere to live and figure out what came next, while grieving the woman I'd expected to marry. And I still loved her. I still do.

After the breakup, we eventually resumed talking. Over the following weeks,, we exchanged hundreds of messages. We shared affectionate nicknames, watched shows together, talked about our days, comforted each other, and continued many of the familiar rituals of our relationship. It felt, in so many ways, as though we were still together. Except we weren't. She maintained that she didn't want to resume our romantic relationship.

Eventually, I had to acknowledge that this arrangement was hurting me terribly. I couldn't keep being emotionally available as though I were her girlfriend while knowing that she didn't want to build a future with me. So I told her I needed to stop communicating. I explained that I needed to protect myself and that I would be the one to initiate contact if and when I felt ready.

A little over a week later, she emailed me about something trivial, something she knew I was already aware of. It was an innocent-looking gesture, but receiving it brought back an enormous amount of grief, confusion, hope, and anxiety. I found myself right back where I'd been before, wondering what she wanted, whether she missed me, and whether she might be reconsidering. I eventually sent a brief thank-you, and afterward, I felt profoundly sad that communicating with someone I'd once planned to marry had become such a painful undertaking.

I've also noticed her appearing in Reddit discussions where I've been active, something she did during an earlier separation before eventually contacting me again. I can't know whether that's intentional, but the resemblance to our previous cycle is difficult to ignore.

And that's where I find myself now. I'm trying to understand what it means when someone is aware of a longstanding pattern of sabotaging intimate relationships, promises they won't repeat it, and then does.

I've spent an extraordinary amount of time reading about fearful-avoidant attachment, deactivation, and the push-pull dynamic that can occur when someone simultaneously desires and fears intimacy. Some of those explanations seem remarkably consistent with what I've experienced. But I've begun to recognize a distinction that I wish I'd understood much earlier: awareness of a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and promising not to repeat a pattern isn't the same as having a plan to address it.

When my ex told me she wasn't going to sabotage our relationship again, I never thought to ask what she intended to do differently. Was she working with a therapist on these issues? Had she developed ways to recognize when she was withdrawing? Did she have a plan for communicating her fears instead of abruptly ending the relationship? I didn't ask. I wish I had. But I also recognize that I was her girlfriend, not her therapist. I wasn't supposed to be responsible for managing the pattern she'd identified in herself. I believed the woman I loved when she told me she knew what she wanted, and I built my life around that promise.

I don't think she's a bad person. I don't believe she deliberately set out to hurt me, and I don't want to rewrite the tenderness we shared as something false or manipulative. She made me feel loved, beautiful, and safe in ways I'd never experienced before. That's part of why this has been so devastating. The person who made me feel safest in the world became someone whose name appearing in my inbox could send me into a panic.

I still remember the woman I loved. I still remember the promises. I can still picture our wedding with such clarity that sometimes it feels almost like a memory. And I can't understand how something that felt so real could fall apart in the same way she'd promised it wouldn't.

I'm not asking whether fearful-avoidant people are incapable of love. I don't believe that. I'm not interested in demonizing people with attachment difficulties, either. I understand that these patterns can involve genuine fear, distress, and conflicting emotions. But I am struggling with the question of responsibility. If someone knows they repeatedly hurt partners through the same behavior, what responsibility do they have to address that pattern before making serious promises to another person?

For those who've experienced this from either side, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing your perspectives. Have you ever had a partner acknowledge a history of self-sabotage, sincerely promise to change, and then repeat the same pattern? If you've been the person who withdraws, did you genuinely believe things would be different each time? What eventually helped you recognize the difference between wanting to change and actually changing?

If you've been on the receiving end, how did you stop blaming yourself for not recognizing the warning signs or asking the right questions? And how did you reconcile the loving person you knew with the person whose decisions hurt you so profoundly?

I don't expect anyone to predict what my ex will do next. I know that her contacting me again wouldn't necessarily mean she's prepared to repair the relationship. I've already learned that returning isn't the same thing as being ready to stay.

I suppose I'm trying to understand how to accept that someone could love me, promise me a future, genuinely believe in that promise, and still repeat the very behavior that destroyed it. Because I didn't need her to be perfect. I didn't need her to be fearless. I just needed her to be willing to face her fears with me, rather than repeatedly leaving me to deal with the consequences alone.

I wanted us to choose each other. And I don't know how to make peace with the fact that I couldn't make that choice for both of us.

Just curious!

Idk what to say. I thought he and I could have a somewhat civil conversation, but I ended up getting blocked in a video game after saying: "r we able to talk?" Idk what I was fucking thinking tbh. I should have not reached out. He literally has told me that whenever he sees my name popup on his screen -- it ruins his day. But, like how can you fucking tell someone that you used them after four years. He dumped me a couple days after birthday (he was soft ghosting me at first. he started the soft ghosting on my birthday). Before my birthday, we had gotten intimate for the first time, and started acting weird after that and then bam dumped. I'm sorry for ranting-- I just don't have anyone to talk to about this.

Maybe he isn't an avoidant and he just lost interest. I just know that I feel like absolute shit. I feel used and I just wanted to come to some sort of resolution, so we can fix whatever he thought was the problem.

Over the past week I finally confronted my ex about the way she treated me (4 weeks of ghosting whilst in long term relationship, immediate cold breakup). It’s been several months and a few events made me realise I needed to get my anger off my chest or I would have just slipped into thinking about it more and a more.

Anyways after sharing my rather angry thoughts, the conversation lead to her revealing the whole ‘it was all my fault’, ‘doing terrible but I’m going to therapy, ‘I’m an avoidant person’, ‘this was worst decision of my life’, ‘it had nothing to do with you’, ‘I know you wouldn’t but I want you back’ type beat. Went into detail about why and how it was because of their family situation etc and it all made sense. And it made me feel extremely sad for the situation and how miscommunication lead to this, yet I felt happy for them that they had finally figured out they needed some outside help, and I felt like it put something to rest in me.

But last night I had a dream and it’s made it all kind of come tumbling back, and now instead of anger I just feel sad again, about this whole unfortunate situation. Also I’m happy where my life is at now and wouldn’t change it, but I think I’m still subconsciously addicted to that awful push pull dynamic, and I need someone to tell me to snap out of it and stop ruminating lol. Now I know they have done work and wish they hadn’t made the decision and wished things were different it feels like we’re both circling this sad potential of what was. Help me snap out of this!!!

i'm a curious neurodivergent and i'm wondering what hurts a dismissive avoidant the most (not talking about FA's). like something that's textbook true for all DA or is every DA different.

This is a high level question but do some fearful avoidants cut off family members and friends also to the point where they are like a ghost with no history?

We dated for 2.5 years and broke up in April due to constant cycle of push/pull. We decided to get back together around 4 months later but then broke it off again 3 months later due to ongoing cycle. She would pull away and I would push harder, and it got to the point where we’re both exhausted. I know we could work it out but I don’t know if it’ll happen. We’re no contact rn but we both acknowledged we still love each other. Is there any hope?

I apologized for being so quiet I was suffering from depression, episodic flareup, and told him I had been isolating.

He said depression is a construct of the mind that was the last time we ever spoke again.

I (28M) was in a situationship with a fearful avoidant (26F) for a few months and when my anxious attachment kicked in she ended the relationship. When she would push me away I kept telling her I wanted to end the relationship because it was hurting so bad. I’d immediately take it back but this would trigger her abandonment issues, that pattern happened multiple times due to her behaviors like dancing on other guys at the club.

The problem is we have to see each other everyday at work. We work in the same room and will for the next 8 months. She’s already started a rebound with someone that works in the same building.

I have good and bad days but I’m a mix between being sad and also angry that she used me as an emotional support human. She literally told me that she was fighting with herself on just accepting me and that I was perfect. I’d been there for that woman when she was breaking down and crying and didn’t know what to do with herself. She threw me away like trash. I want to know what you recommend for how I should behave? I’ve just been avoiding eye contact and generally ignoring her. I’ve already blocked her on the app we used to message each other.

I am about to start going to therapy, not necessarily because I am sad about the situation but because I want to heal my anxious attachment style.

The discard was a genuine trauma for me. Soon after, I had a psychiatric episode (which I had never had previously) and was hospitalized. So I would never want that to happen to someone else.

I convinced him to start therapy after the breakup, but since then we have been mostly no contact. (Fully no contact for over 2 months now!) I didn't know he was an avoidant during the relationship, the breakup, or the months after. I only found out today after stumbling upon this subreddit and feeling incredibly seen and validated. I know it's not my responsibility, but I worry that he will jump back into a new relationship, and do the exact same thing to another unsuspecting soul. I want to check in and ask if he has learned that he is an avoidant yet, but I know I shouldn't break no contact. I also don't want him to know that I've still been thinking about him this whole time..

Have other people worried about this?

How do you actually get to a point where you genuinely feel that it's their issue and not yours?

What I struggle with is that when an avoidant discards you, ghosts you, or suddenly blocks you everywhere, it leaves you feeling like you must have done something wrong. It's hard not to question yourself when someone chooses to cut you off like that, especially after a conflict.

I know people say that avoidants struggle with communication and conflict, and that their behaviour is their responsibility. But how do you reconcile that with the feeling that maybe you weren't soft enough, understanding enough, or that you somehow pushed them away?

People in real relationships aren't always soft with each other. They disagree, get upset, and sometimes communicate imperfectly. That doesn't automatically make a relationship abusive or mean that one person deserves to be cut off like that.

How do you stop interpreting their behaviour as a reflection of your own worth or as proof that you did something wrong, when intellectually you know that their behaviour is their responsibility?

context me and my bf used to break up a lot we were arguing and both stressed he would break up then change his mind days to a week later every time it felt real it’s been a while and I genially thought we made progress everything has been great he told me I was the best girlfriend ever like days ago. Even bought me clothes at the mall. Then we were bickering on the phone he said I’ve been disorganized lately and I agreed but said I didn’t like how harshly he was coming at me he got really upset and just ended it. It’s especially odd because we had planned a Halloween party together for this Friday he was exited about. Now it’s all on me to figure it out. I called my sister upset and she told me to save my tears bc he always does this and I always think it’s “real this time” call me crazy but I don’t want to break up. Is it possible he just became upset and impulsive and will change his mind before the party? I was really exited to do this with him :(

I think I just experienced my first breakup with a Fearful Avoidant (FA) woman, and god, it is confusing. I’m looking for some insight to make sure I’m not losing my mind. (I realised after the break up that she was fearful avoidant as one day we spoke about it and she mentioned she was both anxious and avoidant too)

We dated for 5 months with a very strong connection. She asked for exclusivity early on, told me she loved me after 3 months, and was extremely affectionate. She has two kids from a past 12-year relationship, had a difficult childhood, but has been in therapy since. Toward the end of the relationship, I felt like she was trying to sabotage things. She became difficult, told me several times that she was worried because we were "so different" (which we aren't), and started pulling back and getting anxious about being in a relationship.

I kept telling her to take all the time she needed and that there was no rush (I never pushed for exclusivity or anything on her end).

The breakup was chaotic: she ended it saying she lacked emotional energy, but she was crying heavily, kissing me, saying how much I meant to her, and that she had "no clue why she was doing this." She also told me she felt like she was "in hell between her feelings and what she thinks she wants." We even got intimate... to be honest, it felt like I was the one breaking up with her.

I usually go No Contact after a breakup for my own sake, but we work on the same floor of an office building, so total ghosting is impossible. She has left breadcrumbs here and there a couple of times since the breakup.

To keep it short, the breakup left me deeply confused. It felt like emotionally she wanted to stay, but her logical side was telling her to run. I gave her the option to work through things together, but she still decided to leave.

Is it typical with FAs to leave you feeling like you should be doing something after the breakup? It left me so confused that I even wonder if she did this to see if I would try to fight for it, even though deep down I know chasing wouldn't work.

It might sound tough to admit, but I know I still want her back. I’m maintaining No Contact and it’s painful. I'm just not sure how to approach this now.