With the weird ad against Amy Acton being talked about recently, I couldn’t help but think about how similar it was to my experiences, it sparked in me a desire to write this letter. I don’t know if I’ll ever send it or if I did, if it would make any difference. Can someone just tell me if sending this is worth it? The person is in prison for the rest of their life if that matters.
Tl;dr- trauma
“I’ve thought for a long time about writing this letter. Part of me never wanted to write it. Part of me wanted to say awful things and tear you down with my words. And yet, another part of me grieves that I would ever have to write something like this to begin with because as a stand in father, before all the tarnished memories, you could have been a good one. For my peace of mind and in an excruciatingly futile attempt to clear my mind of everything that’s happened, I’m sending you this in the hopes that you will read every word and hold it in high regard in your heart and mind.
I haven’t been able to let go of the anger. The hatred. I’m reminded almost daily via flashback memories of the life I had before and during your time around my family. I’ve spent years trying to rebuild in myself the ability to trust people around me and their motives. I’ve spent almost 10 years hiding and panicking and crying, begging for relief from the hurt I carry from your actions. You stole so much time from me. You treated me like an adult when I was a child. You coerced my trust, though I still saw through the cracks with the way you spoke to me. I used to think about all the harsh things I would say if I ever had a chance to speak to you again, and how I wanted you to feel the same mental anguish you inflicted on me. Now all I’d like to do is explain the grief that I carry in my heart for my family and what your actions did to us, so I guess you’re welcome for that (though I don’t know which one is worse).
The most important thing that you damaged is my trust in my mother. You came into her life and offered to save her and her children from poverty and bad living conditions, and what a beautiful chance you had to do something so good and right. Instead, you acted out your own abuse on her children and manipulated her into taking your side always in all matters, while behind closed doors you were ruthlessly damaging us. I cannot trust that she will make good decisions when MY children and I are around her. You are so enmeshed with her that she can’t manage to keep your name out of her mouth when I’m trying to spend time with her to rebuild some kind of relationship. She was a bright and beautiful person despite the things she had to endure, and while not perfect, she always tried hard to keep herself happy and keep us safe. When you were in the picture, all of that was completely different. God, it is heartbreaking to see someone so shining and lovely be tied down in this horrible situation.
Did you choose her because she had children or because you wanted to own her beauty and sparkle for yourself? You can’t live through someone else and you can’t steal her traits to become something worthwhile, proximity doesn't rub off like that. She wanted so desperately to have the ideal life, that she was willing to overlook the undeniably worst traits in you, and you took that and ran with it. She will never be the same because of you, and I hope that somewhere past your ego you can see that you couldn't truly love her as a person, just as a tool that would hide your shame and your true actions.
There were also cascading effects with the rest of my family I’m sure you know. My siblings and I don’t talk much anymore. Mom’s family now hangs a shadow over her head.
And for me, I found out I can’t even hug my mother without a terrifying dread and panic that there’s something terrible hiding behind her attempt at comforting me. I couldn’t hug my father like a daughter should be able to because of you. I distrust any older man around me. I assume everyone has something sinister in their heads and are waiting for their moment to victimize me.
Why did you put me on this pedestal? All I’d hoped for was parental love. And now, I’m practically an orphan, with my mom being more like distant relative than a mother in my heart. Whatever sparkle I had was dimmed. You didn’t take it, because it was never yours to own but you threw dirt on us, you covered us under the wrecks of your own bad experiences and choices. You never had a right to destroy us, regardless of your intentions or what you yourself had to suffer through. I can’t understand how someone who’d been so deeply harmed could then turn around and do the same thing to other people. Wouldn’t you want to protect others from those same confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking feelings? Wouldn’t you want to keep children safe from harmful adults when the adults in YOUR life failed you?
You did teach me a lot of things though, and for those I can thank you. You taught me how to drive. You taught me how to sweep the kitchen floor the correct way via insult. You taught me to work hard to get what I want. You taught me that if I was having a panic attack from nerves about washing my car for the first time alone, that the hyperventilating would eventually pass and I could drive with tears in my eyes to the car wash and do a half hearted job to keep from being grounded. You taught me what to look for in potential partners and what warning signs would be present in predators. You taught me how to sneak around behind peoples backs. You taught me that as a mother, my job is to keep my children safe regardless of WHO would harm them. That my most important job is to share what I’ve experienced with anyone who will listen in hopes that others would see the warning signs. You taught me that horrible things are everywhere. Even disguised as a helper, a father, a protector.
Through years of patient and loving support I finally can begin to see the light at the end, cultivated by (my bf) and his unyielding commitment to keeping me safe. I had so many struggles accepting the real love that he was offering because every bit of progress I would make was sullied by your existence in my life. Someday I hope I will think about you for the last time and finally have peace, but I know I won’t as long as you still keep the connections to me through my family. MY family. It stopped being your family the day the truth of what you were doing came to light. You severed it even before that, when you targeted me. When you targeted my brother. When you targeted my mother. You will always be the reason that my mother lost her family as well. You call her and talk to her and probably tell her sweet things about your love for her and how thankful you are that she’s still hanging on to you. How elated you are that even after everything, you have your “soulmate”. But you don’t have that. Because soulmate is a lie. You lie to her every time you call her. You lie every time you say “I love you”. You hold her in such a tight grip that even her own children can’t convince her to step away. What kind of person can do that to another?
I mourn for the person you could have been. For the family we could have had. I intend on deleting this account after I have confirmation you’ve read this as I have no desire to hear from you. I hope you continue to live with the gravity of what your choices have done to us for a very long time. I hope someday you let my mother go so she can finally find someone who actually loves her and will keep her safe.”