Hello all!

First time posting in here (and first time posting on Reddit in a very long time) but I figured this would be the best place to post since everyone here seems so nice.

Some starters, I'm 28 non-binary who's been in a very loving relationship for 2 years with my GF who's a year younger. We met at our local game store where I also work and do a lot of things together and have a lot of shared interests and hobbies. We also communicate a lot so that way we both feel safe and secure. At the very start of our relationship I brought up that I might be poly given some previous times in life when I felt the most comfortable and happy when I was basically in a relationship with multiple people. While those relationships didn't really become romantic (chronic depression and anxiety in high school really put a damper on that) I wanted her to know in case we wanted to try it out later in the relationship.

Two years in, we still very much love each other and are now starting to attempt doing poly things. We've been in a "Poly Blob" with one of my GF's former partners from her home state that she's still really close with. He's a cool dude, I just haven't actually met him yet. GF started talking to someone that she met at a local wrestling show we went to and this past week went to a show with them 3 hours away and they stayed overnight at a hotel. There was constant communication during the event and she had a good time. I was definitely feeling some jealous feelings during the trip, but I was also going through a pretty bad depressive episode throughout the week as well due to other things. Everything is fine between her and I and I am accepting of her other meta (I think I'm using that term correctly, still new to the terminology.)

My reasoning for this post, I have a very hard time in telling people that I am romantically attracted to how I feel about them, due in part to anxiety and in part due to my demiromantic nature. I'm pretty sure I have some form of AuDHD as well so subtly also isn't a good thing for me most of the time. Recently, I've developed some pretty deep feelings for two people in our friend group and I don't really know what to do about it. For the one friend, who I will name Peach here (the fruit salad bit is coming I promise) is in a relationship and isn't poly, but is very supportive and is a very close friend, they are just constantly busy. The other friend, who I will name Dragon Fruit is far more complicated. DF is recently divorced but still spends a lot of time with her ex, is I think open to the idea of dating again, semi flirts with my current GF (which is fine as well,) is a good friend that offers good advice when my brain decides to hate me, and likes going to various events with my GF and I along with others of our friend group. The issue is that I'm way to anxious to tell her how I feel because I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

So now to the fruit salads and my actual question. I saw a TikTok recently explaining Polyamory to fruits and how one person can like a banana for being a banana and that doesn't stop them from liking an orange from being an orange, metaphorically speaking. I really like this analogy and like the idea of a polycule being a fruit salad. My problem is I don't know how to ask the people that I'm attracted to or have feelings for if they would want to be part of the fruit salad? My GF seems to have a very easy time talking to people and is very accepting of the fruit salad and adding people to her side, but I don't know how to go forward with people without feeling like I'm messing up their life or our friendships.

Big apologies for such a long initial post. I tend to yap a lot as a way to explain things because it's how my brain works ❤️

Many people start down the poly road and then discover after a while that it’s not for them. But in my experience, the people who make it through the initial stage of understanding poly—which may take years—are typically committed to poly for the long run.

What’s your experience? Does this observation make sense to you?

Hi everyone,

I (F30) am relatively new to polyamory. About a year ago, I met M50. We started with casual sex, which organically grew into a deep, loving, and very affectionate relationship. For context, he is experienced in polyamory and is very communicative and supportive.

When we met, he was already with F40 for 2-3 years. They recently bought an apartment together and are co-parenting a baby (he didn't want kids, but she did, so he stepped in to help her and the biological father, and they mostly live in the apartment he co-owns with F40). M50 kept his own separate rental to maintain personal space, but he visits them regularly, sometimes sleeps there, and pretty much shares his daily life with her.

For a long time, F40 lived in another city, so her presence felt abstract, even though he and their friends talked about her openly. But now that my feelings are getting more intense and she’s back in town, seeing that they see each other 3-4 times a week (compared to the 2-3 times M50 and I see each other), made my anxiety spike.

I find myself constantly "keeping score":

• Comparing the time he spends with her vs. me.

• Noticing his phone is full of pictures of her/their life, while I don't have that space.

• Struggling because he is integrated into her broader social/family events in a way he is currently not in mine (due to various circumstances, although he has met 1 or 2 friends of mine).

On the other hand, our relationship is wonderful. He is deeply thoughtful, supports me through a tough personal time, talks about me lovingly to his friends, and we have a strong emotional and physical connection. He is my only partner right now (open to others but not actively looking, as short on time/energy for a second atm).

My questions for the community:

1. Is feeling like "second place" normal when a partner has a deeply entangled nesting partner of longer standing, or am I accepting "crumbs" disguised as quality time?

2. Should I stop scorekeeping, or are the scores an actual indicator of how much I count compared to her ? And if I should stop, how do I do it?

3. He is going to move in with her full-time for 2 months to help with the baby while the biological father is away, meaning I’ll likely only see him once a week. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I am terrified of this upcoming period. How can I prepare and survive this?

I know I can talk with him about these insecurities, he will welcome them, as he already made me feel more secure when I came up with doubts a few weeks ago...and I very likely will have another talk with him, but any outside advice, personal experiences, or gentle reality checks would be deeply appreciated here !

I am using an alt account and am going to keep things as vague as possible because my primary uses Reddit a lot

I have been with my spouse/primary partner for 11 years. We started our poly journey a few years ago after I realized I was and it was something I wanted to explore with my spouse (I'll call her Sofie). Before I met Sofie, I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship that ended with him cheating multiple times with the same person. (Important context from this story is that he went out with some friends and someone who had been openly flirting with him, cheated, and then did not come back home until late the following evening.)

When Sofie and I started dating, I told her about me being cheated on. We spent the first 2 years of our relationship long distance before closing the gap.

I have never had any reason to ever distrust Sofie. She is very reassuring when I have been insecure in the past. As our relationship progressed I, foolishly, thought that I had no trauma from the cheating.

Fast forward to now, we are both actively seeking partners and she has made a connection with someone who seems genuinely like a good person (we'll call him Gerald). Sofie and Gerald have been on a few dates and I have never had an issue with that. She is honest about where she goes, we have location sharing on from waaaaaaaay before any poly stuff started taking off, and she has explicitly told me if there is anything I need or want her to stop doing, to let her know.

We have a pretty solid list of rules that we both have been following this far and have been open to negotiations as things change.

Now, here is the issue. I learned that Sofie is wanting to start getting sexual with Gerald. This is a situation we have discussed before as a hypothetical when putting our rules together. However, something in me broke at the thought of her with someone else. I have learned through talking with my therapist that it is unresolved trauma from being cheated on.

I know I trust Sofie completely. I have no reason to doubt her and what she tells me, but I keep having anxiety attacks surrounding this possible interaction. I don't want to shut this whole thing down. It is something we both want, but this trauma response I'm having is so overwhelming. I am not an anxious person by nature so for it to hit me this hard is scary.

The only thing I can think of that will help is for Sofie and Gerald to sleep together and Sofie to come back home to me. But that is something that is on their timeline not mine and I don't know how to deal with this trigger until then. Sofie and I have talked a lot about things over the last several days and had a deep, hard conversation earlier about my feelings and trauma and this response.

Has anyone ever run into something like this? How did you hand it? It is unfair, I believe, to call the whole poly thing off because of this.

TLDR: I was cheated on many years ago and my primary partner wanting to sleep with someone is triggering the betrayal trauma really badly. How can I move past this so we can continue to enjoy this experience?

sorry for the long post:
TLDR I keep facing insecurity from NP's when dating someone partnered and I don't know how much is me vs others and how to show up respectfully and mitigate risk. 

Unsure what to do. I (34 f pan, solo poly, lean aromantic) recently met a guy (44) who has a NP (40ish). After a few dates I have concerns. On our last date he paused to check in with his partner and let her know that we were changing location (cool), but the response was sarcastic and he shared it with me (both not so cool). He explained that that is her nature and that was typical, but to me a sarcastic response is almost always saying a thing. I asked a bit more about their relationship the next day.

My read on the situation without giving too of their personal details is that she actually isn't as comfortable with the open relationship/him forming intense bonds that she isn't a part of. He explained she had a recent bisexuallity discovery but it feels more like a valid experience taking the shape of an excuse about having certain dating needs that manifest as her encroaching on women he dates and trying to form a thruple. Her willingness to go along with his needs/lack of independent exploration feels more like clinging to him rather than building security in each of their independent dating activities.

I was in an enm relationship before that was problematic and ended after I sensed some definite insecurity from the other woman (usually intruding on dates with conversations that couldn't include me and def could have waited) that eventually ended with him making some crappy excuse about not having time when I knew full well he was simply protecting the other relationship/and or lost interest. The fact that I was led on and lied to in the process hurt a lot.

What I'm finding is that this is the second time and probably not the last I'm being met with insecurity from the other partner. I am not trying to encroach on what exists but want to enjoy getting to know and spend time with someone under a flexible dynamic. I like the idea of dating someone partnered because I'm attracted to high energy individuals but they invariably have needs I alone don't want to and can't meet. I am always clear about my goal of lasting friendships alongside any intimacy and have one example of this working where the friendship has pretty much replaced any physical intimacy. Ive also maintained friendships just fine after one off sex.

I prefer older people due to childhood trauma forcing me to mature emotionally (in some ways) faster than my peers. The only men close to my age I get along with are those that also had to grow up too fast. I am smart and look successful on paper. I am midline in attractiveness and build. Also I'm socially awkward as hell but a skilled communicator that makes for a weird read. One on one I can be charming but in any group I clam up so fast which often comes off as cold. 

My questions are: 

1. Do I owe the current couple anything other than clarity about my own boundaries? I will probably end up just seeing myself out in the near future. But, is there anything I could or ought to do to improve the situation recognizing that people are in fact human?
2. Am I always gonna run into this issue? I feel like the combination of being usually younger, highly educated, and whatever other dumb societal boxes I happen to check might continue to raise issues for other women in particular. I refuse to make myself small for others comfort but am I actually doing something wrong? I also work hard not to judge others by these metrics but I'm aware enough to know that others will still value or read into them.
3. Is there an approach to take moving forward that might avoid some of this in the future? Something to look out for or questions I need to be asking? I'm still relatively new to this space and took a year long break from dating partnered people after the hurt of the prior situation. I've started asking how people work through conflict in their current partnerships but it feels a lot like prying when what I'm looking for is the ability to work through issues in a respectful way. It has helped me screen some bad fits but clearly not all.

I (28NB) recently met a man (32) who was in my city for work, it was supposed to be for 3 days but his trip got extended twice and we ended up spending every single day he was in town together. (2 and a half weeks)

We knew from the start that he would eventually return to Europe, so there was never the expectation that this would become anything more. But while he was here we had an absolute blast together.

I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy the concept of comet relationships, there’s something really appealing about two people maintaining their independence and occasionally crossing paths and sharing exciting experiences..

He knows I’m poly but isn’t really sure about it for himself regardless, Im not really interested in forcing this relationship into any particular structure. Just enjoying it for what it is and curious about what the future might bring!

For those of you with comet relationships:

How often do you communicate between visits?
How do you navigate NRE when you’re geographically far apart?
Have you had comet connections with people who weren’t already practicing polyamory?
What expectations or boundaries have been helpful in keeping these relationships enjoyable and sustainable?

Hi! I’m very very new to poly. My partner has a nesting partner, and there seems to be no privacy when it comes to her and I’s relationship. If I tell her something personal, for example sake my pet died and I was very sad. I told her about it and how I was having a hard time with it. Later that day I went over and her nesting partner already knew and was talking to me about it. Other personal stuff I tell her she will tell him. He reads all of our texts or just knows everything that is happening in our relationship. When I asked her I’d like some privacy when it comes to me she couldn’t understand what I meant and thought I was telling her she can’t talk to her partner about me at all. If her and I fight he knows all of our fights yet she won’t tell me anything about their fights or problems (not that I want to know everything) but easily shares ours with him like nothing.

So my question is, is this normal or is it fair that I ask for some privacy. I’m not dating her nesting partner.. so it just feels weird he’s privy to everything about me.

I became poly about 4 years ago, when I met my longtime poly partner and decided I wanted to give the whole thing a try. When I first met S, he had a few partners and we always both enjoyed playing with others casually. I never really felt like I was romantically interested in anyone I played with enough to be in a relationship with any of them and so for a long long time I only had 1 partner.

About a year into our relationship, I made an online friend who I immediately had sexual chemistry with. We had lots of interests in common as well, so we started talking a lot. I started to fall for him but...he lives in a different country. For a long time, I guarded my heart because he was so far away. But we recently met and our connection in person is undeniable. So, we are now officially dating and have an LDR dynamic that actually suits us both well. We don't plan on trying to change our situation.

This is all the super shortened version of everything but...even though I know that I've been poly for years, I really really feel like it now. Having both the men I love together in one room for the first time was such an incredible experience. I feel like I understand things better than before but I also want to do right by them both as much as I can. And feel so much pressure to do well.

What kind of advice would you give to someone balancing 2 partners for the first time? Navigating NRE, LDRs? I am so so happy right now and feel loved like crazy. And of course, it doesn't matter how many partners you currently have, you being poly is still valid. This is just my feelings/experience.

Curious about y'all's perspectives on this, as someone who's still fairly new to polyamory.

In monogamy, where dating one person prevents you from exploring other relationships, it makes sense to break up when you feel stagnant or under-satisfied.

But in polyamory, do you just keep your romantic connection going indefinitely as long as it's feeling net positive to both of you? Or do you have any experiences of ending it when things are going just "pretty good"?

For example, in my current situation, I'm in my longest ever poly partnership and I love my partner, but sometimes I feel a bit stagnant or ambivalent, and I wonder if I should force quit to make more room in my life for other potential partnerships or discoveries. They have a nesting partner/spouse & are saturated at two, and I have a more casual other partner and am open to dates with others. Not really looking for direct advice, but curious how y'all think about this question in general.

Please be nice to me lol.

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years, and we have 2 young kids. I'll caveat all this by saying we've both been in individual and couples therapy this entire time.

We tried opening our relationship several years ago, and ran into issues when I started to identify as polyam, and my wife wanted things to be way more casual and had strong feelings around me exploring with other women. I didn't handle her negative emotions well, and we very nearly split up.

After a lot of work and success in repair, we decided to open back up after my wife spontaneously (with my consent) hooked up with and then started a dating relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I expressed my attraction and interest in the friend (we'll call her M) with my wife's okay, and M said it was mutual and was open to exploring. This kicked off about a year of M and me developing a deep friendship over text (she's long-distance) with an open flirtation and attraction dynamic while she and my wife became girlfriends and dated regularly. Eventually, the three of us all became intimate together on one of M's visits. While my dynamics with M didn't really change after this, we began to feel hopeful that a triad could be possible, and openly explored the possibility of me and her spending time together solo as well.

Then, I traveled to M's city for work, and M and I (with everyone's consent) met up for a dinner date. Agreements were made and kept well within, but the night ended with my wife having a panic attack and me up all night supporting and reassuring her. Now, my wife has been in a constant state of depression for over a month. I have paused anything outside of platonic texting with M and offered to build conservative agreements with my wife, but have been clear about not wanting to cut M out altogether. Still, little progress has been made. She's been clear that no coercion or boundary/agreement breaking happened during all the time we explored being open, and everything was consensual. However, she now says she hasn't been her authentic self all this time, and would choose to be monogamous if it weren't for me wanting to explore polyam. She has drastically withdrawn from both me and M, and is considering breaking up with M. She says she can't be close to either of us without getting hurt while we continue to be close, and she doesn't think she is capable of changing how she feels about it.

How can I salvage my marriage while not sacrificing this part of myself? Learning about and identifying with polyam, and the little bit I have been able to explore it, has brought so much healing and growth for me. It feels like a true, authentic way of being. My wife has acknowledged this improvement in my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the benefits it's brought to our relationship over the last year or so, and that she hasn't felt my closeness with M taking me away from her. However, she still says she feels afraid, small, and unsafe when thinking about me even wanting to explore outside our marriage. I really want to find a way that we can stay together, without having to give up polyam altogether.

Has anyone been through something similar? What happened, and how did you make it through? How do you respond when a partner says your way of loving is incompatible with her feeling safe, and neither of you is acting in bad faith? I'm not ready to give up on the relationship, but I'm getting increasingly worried there may not be another way for us both to be happy in the end.

EDIT: Lots of people understandably are concerned for M, and I left a lot of her situation out for brevity and privacy. She is married in a polyam relationship. I have disagreed with my wife's response to her openly and have made clear I'm not going to change my relationship with her beyond what we've all agreed upon to try and help my wife have the space she needs to deal with these emotions. Right now, that looks like us remaining close friends, which is the priority for us at the moment. She is supported elsewhere and has been encouraged to set whatever boundaries she needs to in order to take care of herself.

**EDIT: Seeking resources on discussing agreements with NP**

(Sorry for the hierarchy language, was from a therapist and I can’t edit the title!)

First time poster! Been practicing non-hierarchical polyamory for 10 years, and in the past have described myself as a relationship anarchist. I now have a nesting partner of 1.5 years, and we intend on having a long term relationship involving children and possibly marriage one day.

My partner is new to polyamory (since dating me) and started exploring having other partners about four months ago. I’m currently focusing on other aspects of my life and not dating outside the relationship. I’m super happy for him, but I’ve realized that as we discuss having kids and having a long term nesting partnership laying out some of explicit agreements for our relationship is a good idea.

What are some resources (books, questions, podcasts, etc) you use to help guide you in these conversations?

Are agreements something that should be shared with new partners?

Any resources or suggestions would be super appreciated :) looking to be as intentional as possible here

So I recently broke up with a partner and I was very sad as we have many very happy memories together and had very aligned values and interests and hobbies so we got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately after several conversations about our wants and needs we mutually came to the conclusion that we were not as well suited as we initially thought and decided to end things in good terms. We both go to very similar poly groups in our city as well as kink/ swingers parties and there are
Several in the coming months I was looking forward to attending. I really don’t want to let him have power over the events I do and don’t attend and when we were a couple I never had an issue seeing or hearing about him being intimate with others but I know now that chapter has ended for us it will hit much different now. I really don’t want to change my social life because of one person but I also know seeing him with other partners or just on nights out now we are broken up at least right now will really sting me :( should I keep going anyways? Take a break? Or stop altogether?

I'll start out by saying that I got introduced to polyamory during COVID. I was leaving a toxic mono relationship that I had been in for close to a decade and after having come out as trans, a good portion of my friend groups had a decent saturation of poly folks. Between the toxicity and generally feeling like I was chafing under a lot of mono ideology (like your partner should be your everything), I jumped full into it. It went poorly in the short term cuz duh. Leaving a ten year relationship and jumping into 2 new ones within a year wasn't my finest moment. Since then I've had 5 or 6 romantic partners and some lower double digit number of sexual ones.

I ended up completely quitting the dating scene back in 2023 because I began noticing a pattern though. It felt like I wasn't really getting enough time with any of my partners. I felt "capped out" at having 3 partners in the end of 2022 and I realized none of the relationships could stand on their own. After talking it through, all of those relationships dissolved for various reasons. I've stayed good friends with one of those partners and our relationship is stronger than it used to be because of the removal of sexual and romantic expectations. I felt like taking time off the and trying to figure shit out on my own was what I needed. I still stand by that obviously.

I did some work with my therapist, started pursuing more of my hobbies, got out of a career that I hated, and felt like I was doing better. I was still lonely. I tried the hook up thing once or twice but all that did was confirm that I'm very demi sexual. I got more solid in the fact that quality time and physical touch are my biggest love languages.

Enter 2025. I started talking to a girl that made me feel connected and sexy and all the things I'd been missing. Lets call her R. We started flirting more and more, met up a few times and kissed and cuddled. Eventually we got to sex and it was really nice. A decent amount of my anxieties were less than what they used to be and I could stay in the moment. She lives a couple hours away but no biggie, the distance felt like I could dip my toes back into dating at a reasonable pace and honestly seeing each other every week or two in addition to talking daily was fitting my needs. We started dating properly towards the end of the year.

I met a wonderful enby a little after we started dating and the connection was pretty immediate. Lets call them S. I don't know if it's due to being more comfortable with myself or them being a really good fit or what but things moved a lot faster with them. I slowed it down, but we still started dating a couple months into this year after maybe 3 months of knowing each other.

Things were going mostly well, but then summer hit. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder that hits in summer instead of winter like for so many people. Summer had me feeling really shitty and disconnected from the world in general. I knew it was starting to effect my relationships in July and I tried even harder to connect more. I planned more trips to see my R. I started having more scheduled date nights both in person and remotely with both my partners. But I still was feeling more disconnected. I didn't feel like I was getting to see either of them often enough. I got maybe one solid connection time a week with them.

Then in August, S had a PTSD episode during sex that resulted in them looking at me and seeing their abuser which fucked me up more than I realized at the time. The next week when I visited R, I broke down when were engaging in foreplay due to unresolved feelings from the event with S and some jealousy I'd been feeling towards their other partner. This set off some of their trauma and she ended the weekend early since we kept getting stuck in cycles. After we both had time to cook off I tried to initiate conversations about what happened and express my hurt from the unilateral decision to send me home early instead of communicating. We talked and I thought we had come to a better place. But then she started pulling away. Not responding as much. Not following through with making plans. At first it seemed like it was job stress combined with getting booked more for one of her hobbies. Anxiety started to set in when I saw her and her other partner though since their energy seemed unaffected. Last week, she finally called so we talked about it not working after avoiding the topic. Not that it was just on her, I was giving it too much time and space in case I was just being my normal anxious self. Blah blah blah we ended the combo broken up but saying we'd stay friends.

The past week I've been questioning everything as you do post breakups (wait please tell me this isn't just me). It's been making me disappointingly spikey towards A and they've been a total sweety and forgiven me each time. But I can't help but ask how soon they're gonna lose interest or stop putting in the time to make this work. I know that's the anxiety talking. But I've also realized that I want to feel like more of a priority in partnerships. I'm fine with kissing and cuddling and having romantic relationships that don't have a label on them, but if I'm gonna date someone I don't wanna be below tenth place on their list of priorities. And I don't know if S and I are really hitting that point? Is it unreasonable to want that? How do I communicate that without making it seem like they're not enough? Cuz they bring me a lot of joy and I think they are. But I'm getting caught up in anxiety over the patterns I'm seeing in my relationships.

Is this just another relationship that isn't fitting my needs? Is what I'm looking for incompatible with poly? Is it toxic that I think about priorities in my life as a fluid list where my hobbies, partners, and having money to survive crapitalism take up the top 5 spots?With work interactions and friendships taking up the next part usually. Or is there some fundamental piece that I'm missing in all this? Idk this turned into a lot more of a ramble than I was meaning it to. Thank you if you made it this far...

Tldr: how can you tell if you're dating the wrong people, miscommunicating your needs, prioritizing the wrong things, or some secret other option

Hey, I have been polyamorous for 2 years. I started to question myself because I still have very big problems with my jealousy. One of my diagnosis is also BPD so I am looking for some internet support groups or resources like books websites on how to deal with jealousy and fear and all those freaking emotions. Today I felt so bad just because my nesting partner decided to meet with their friend for shibari session. Like I didn't opose, I even want them to finally get something from polyamory, not just me, but that's only on rational level. My emotions? Messed up. Fear, nightmares at night of my partner dating other people and being happy with them while being unhappy with me. I must add I am in therapy, we are in couples therapy and I am really willing to work it through so please don't give me advice that maybe polyamory is not for me. Monogamy was also not for me. So If I fail in both I will just end up being single.

So I am asking for some resources, encouragement and maybe some bpd fellas who succeeded in polyamory. I did some research so I also read old posts in this thread about BPD.

Hi all - for background, you can see my last post, but in short I am parallel with my meta Cedar because there are big values differences between us and I haven't always liked the things I've heard about how meta treats our hinge Oak. I can't say I dislike her because we've only met in passing, but I don't have warm fuzzy feelings or compersion towards her and we're not friends. Normally I am pretty low on jealousy/possessiveness and high on compersion so it's a bummer that's not the case here, but, I'm trying to accept it for what it is.

I've noticed that the last few overnight trips I've gone on with Oak, he has bought small items to bring home as gifts for Cedar (jewelry or comics she likes), or bought items for their shared home. The home decor I don't mind, but I found myself bristling at the gifts. It made me realize Oak does not buy me small gifts. We usually are more the sentimental hand written note types with each other. But, I also like small "thinking of you" gifts!

I asked Oak about gift preferences, like is him buying trinkets for Cedar something he does because he enjoys it or more in response to it being her preferred love language. He said he enjoys it, but had not thought of buying things to surprise me with because I "seem like the kind of woman who has everything."

That's fine, I don't feel strongly about wanting gifts from him. I like our love notes, truly. But, I'm still not enjoying watching him picking out a necklace for someone I don't have a relationship with and feel kind of weird towards. It seems like an intentional choice to shift his focus on to her during our limited time together (we are non-nesting and see each other 1-2 days a week). But, I also don't really like the idea of asking him not to do it, either. We tend to go of a lot of antiques stores or places i know about because I am a collector, and it seems petty be like "no don't buy her that one of a kind necklace at a deep discount because PARALLEL."

So what do you think reddit? Is he being a bit weird here or do I need to put on my big girl pants and try to be supportive?

Me (NB35) and anchor partner (Birch, M37) have been together for ish 3 years, I have been poly for 10+ years, Birch around 5 years but with less practical experience during that time. This spring, Birch met Jewel (F32). Jewel is very baby poly, has tried being poly before but mostly had bad experiences and generally has a lot of insecurities, but really wants to try, as they really fell hard for each other. Birch has been set in being a good poly mentor, but also has issues around people pleasing. Mine and Birch's relationship has gone through some ups and downs in the last year, but this summer we settled more properly, and Jewel has had a lot of insecurities around me, and especially with the hierarchy that does exist, but does not limit emotional connections.

Now, to me it was very clear from the beginning, that Jewel would not be okay with this setup in the long run, but was pushing herself because of being so in love. Especially when talks about hierarchy came up, stuff got really messy, and she went through the all familiar "I am not good enough" spiel. Birch has been super patient with her, given assurance and validation, but has also seriously messed up when it comes to being upfront with he can offer longterm.

Well now it's looking like they are about to break up, where the last drop was Birch and me going on vacation together, and he didn't "check with her" (which is never an agreement they had, and one I would not be okay with) first.
And this is where I need advice and/or validation; Because I can't help but think "Oh thank god, finally".... Anyone with even a little bit of poly experience could see that this is a train wreck. I have done my best to be a supportive partner, occasionally going "Hey love, you NEED to talk about this topic with her", and also treaded carefully on topics that I know might be triggering to her, but also it's been mega taxing for me, because it's such a guessing game of what might trigger an insecurity.

And I feel like such an ass for being relieved, but I genuinely did not ever see this ending well for either of them, and I would rather it ended sooner rather than later, because they are just Not Compatible, and they can't see it through their rose tinted glasses. I obviously has not said this directly to Birch because rude, but I have carefully brought up how it really can be a big challenge and so on...

Thoughts, validations? Can anyone relate?

Hey a guy with many question here:

I (25)Opened my relationship with my Partner (26) of 3 years more than 2 years ago. So we are together for 5 years now.

We both decidet to try it, because first of all we both had not many expirence before. (I just had one medium destince for 3months before)

Also i cheated on them by kissing another person on a kink Party. I know very bad and stupid from my side.

But they sad if we were open this would not be a Problem.

Because they is mostly female representing they has much more dates and intimecy these 2 years. I had never a date in this time. So i struggelt a lot with envy but the idea of poly feels logic for me and is something i want or maybe wanted to explore. Now they came up to me and said that they want defenitly live a life like this. Before it was always an option if we dont feel this for us to go back to monogamie.

So now i feel the presure to know as fast as possible if this Lifestyle fits me.

And a few hours ago i had the Realisation that if i could choose between been mono with my Partner right now and a future were i share them with somebody else while still being "alone" scares me and ripes me apart, i would Prüfer the first option.

But also i feel like i am just to scared of everything and just have more worke to do on me. That my brain just prefers the option that sounds save for me right now.

I love my Partner, everything we build together till now, but i am scared that being poly is not for me and we have to end our relationship.

So i am here for advices to find it out or how to Deal with these feelings.

Hello as far as im aware this is allowed if not it will get removed.

So bit of context im trans MtF and im not poly but ive been trying to get back into the dating scene and ive run into some poly people who get really defensive/angry when i turn them down and im not sure why i sm very openly not poly, i dont go on poly only dating apps, i dont go to poly only spaces and i do try and keep it respectful but some people wont take no or will try and convince me to give it a try.

I know this isn't the whole community and I guess im mostly here just to vent to the people who actually care about the quality of their community and who might have suggestions or comments.

I only really got this issue after i came out as trans and started dating apps and stuff but if feels like its almost expected of me to be poly because im trans like ive been told "but your trans" once or twice but its just not me and I dont need to try it to know it.

Well thank you all for letting me bitch and sight see also feel free to piggyback of this if you have something to add or say.

​

Hello, I started dating again this month. Its been a long 3 years since my last breakup. And I'm still very jumpy because of how messy it was. I started dating someone who is in a hierarchical poly relationship. Their rules sound very reasonable, but I just wanted your input as well. Thank you for taking the time to read:

\> Safe sex

\> When we decide to spend Saturday or Sunday together, they decide first if that's okay (since they both work, weekends are also their time together, even if they are nesting)

\> Before we are introduced to each other's circles, I must meet the meta.

\> Unless np is away, only one night in a row.

I’m newly exploring maybe entering into the poly world and sometimes I don’t know how to communicate what I want or need or even know what I want or need. I’m always pushing myself to learn more about myself and identify why I feel the way I feel so I thought maybe posting here with where I’m at, maybe someone else has been where I am and has some insight I haven’t uncovered yet.

I do know that I lean more towards demisexual. I need that mental stimulation prior to any sexual encounters and it just makes it so much more fun for me.

I am relatively recently divorced where we attempting swinging but in reality it highlighted a major deficit in our relationship that was not conducive for an open relationship of any type. I recently started seeing a fwb that has a primary partner. I feel no jealousy like I did when I was married and I think it’s because I have way different expectations from a fwb than I would a primary partner or previously my husband. But to be completely honest, the lack of jealousy surprised me. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of dynamic works for me but I don’t know what questions to really ask myself.

Part of me feels guilt because I don’t want to accidentally lead someone somewhere I never intended to go because I just simply don’t know but I am always honest about that. Another worry of mine is keeping everyone safe. I would never be intimate with someone knowing that the would put my other partners in danger (or myself), but sometimes I can’t get it out of my mind that the poly world somehow connects us all if you think too much about it. If everyone has 3 partners then the overlap is likely and I would feel so horrible if I hurt someone like that.

So please, help me figure out how to do this and do it the right way😭

There is so much negativity on this sub, so I figured I would share some happy poly news. A week ago I asked the girl I’ve been seeing to be my girlfriend and she said yes! My primary is so supportive of it and helped calm my nerves about asking and said he was so happy for us after. My heart is full. I have 2 amazing partners who mean the world to me.

If the prompt is a big vague, here are some more specific versions of the question with different lenses:

1. In your experience, what do people who practice monogamy misunderstand most about polyamory?

2. In your experience, what do people who practice Swinging or other kinds of ENM misunderstand most about polyamory?

3. In your experience, what do people who practice polyamory misunderstand most about polyamory?

My partner and I have recently married and this is the happiest I have ever been. When we met I had never heard about polyamory and he was a relationship anarchist. Needless to say this opened up a whole world to me that I never knew existed. I read books and listened to podcasts to really see what polyamory was all about. It’s not every day that your boyfriend gives you a Google Slides with all of his partners. He told me he wanted to make space for me, and he did. We were and are long distance, for now but we plan on nesting soon. I am excited to meet my metas soon when I go to my new stepson’s wedding.

I just wanted to share a positive story about polyamory. I know I was new to polyamory when we met and even my partner was wary of that at first. But to all of those curious out there, it helps to do some research about it to really see what’s out there. And I cannot recommend the “Relationship Smorgasbord” enough, it is a great tool for communication and has been so great with any and all types of relationships.

Here’s my question… if you have 2+ partners, approximately how far out does your calendar go?

Context: My (54m) NP (55f) of 16+ years (poly 2 years) and I both have one other serious partner. The 4 of us get along great.
We all have other lives (hobbies, fwb, work) so of course we schedule our times far in advance.

My meta (an engineer) has offered up a schedule for him and my NP that goes until December 2027. He actually thought it through to accommodate known trips/holidays/etc And that’s fine, really. I truly have no problem with future planning. It’s all fine. Note , this entire schedule would be set in erasable ink. One off events/activities are always fair for rescheduling specific dates. The whole ‘cule is cool with such changes when they happen.

I had a fallout with my meta and now my partner and I have gone parallel. It’s been difficult getting back into the swing of things.

I’m not giving details cause I’m not trying to air out personal drama…
But it’s hard not to fear that it’s only a matter of time. Since they are nesting partners.

Would be nice to know if there’s anyone who’s been able to make it work and how?