Looking for validation

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u/YesMissApple 18h ago

Sounds like Birch is in the middle of Learning A Lesson.

My condolences on how he's let this splash over into your relationship.

It's ok to feel relieved. Sometimes we don't even realize how much stress or other negative emotions we're carrying until relief comes in to contrast it. It's not a bad person thing; it's here to tell you something about yourself and the situation.

Use that relief to tell you to look for opportunities to step back, whether they break up or not.

Continue to hold your tongue on the "I-told-you-so"s; sounds like Birch is successfully realizing that bed they are now lying in is one they helped make.
Give yourself grace for being relieved if/when they do actually split (again, sounds like an appropriate emotion to me)
I'd decide now to limit hearing about the decisions and dramas around this potential breakup. My guess is you already have Very Strong Opinions on how this whole relationship has progressed in part because Birch might have been oversharing or using you as a processing partner, cuz at some point things like how all those talks between them around meta's insecurities are going aren't actually something you need to know, right? This also links into #1 as that's part of intentionally stepping back and saying it's Birch's drama and lessons to learn rather than yours to help guide them on.

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u/AdrenaLinnea 18h ago

I really appreciate the #1 here, as I have so far kept it to myself, but I have sort of pondered if I should do some kind of "Everyone with eyes could see that this would not last". I said nothing of it earlier, because tbh, this is a mistake one needs to do, to learn, you can't be told about it.
But yeah, at least not now.

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u/YesMissApple 18h ago

That's why it was #1 XD I don't think any good could possibly come of that other than your feeling like you've gotten a jab in, but I totally get the feeling. I figure most mental gymnastics to justify saying it would lean towards "but it's actually about helping Birch learn more betterer!" in some way, so if you find yourself tempted just go back to the idea that you don't *want* to be in charge of leading his journey, parenting/mentoring him, whatever.

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u/Cool_Relative7359 13h ago edited 13h ago

Sounds like Birch needs to be a much better hinge. You know far too much about the issues in their relationship. Using a partner to process issues in your other relationships often poisons the well between the metas. It why we tend to recvomend having poly community you aren't involved with to process those things.

Also, would Birch need to check with you to go on a vacation with her? Or would he just need to inform you "I'm leaving for a week from X to X date with Jewel on vacation ?"

I've had multiple partners do this, but I just immediately say I want parrallel with that person if they date a mono or new to poly person, and make it clear I won't be available to do any emotional managing around the difficulties in that relationship. I would be open to not being parrallel down the road, when they've figured it out, if it lasts that long and once I see that my partner will hinge well, and hold to our agreements, and be present during our quality time, regardless of any outside pressure or growing pains.

Incompatible relationships tend to last for a shorter time without outside people enabling them by taking over some of the emotional labour and processing in my experience. Helping support people through shitty relationships, be they friends or family or partners, tends to prolong their shelf-life.

Also, it's not over yet so the relief, while understandable, might be premature. If they do end up staying together, I suggest you go parrallel and ask him to ensure that you're kept out of their relationship and insulated from any drama from it.

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u/AdrenaLinnea 8h ago

Agree on all points! Poor hingeing has been a huge issue here. Also, I have some responsibility in that I have asked too much.
Birch would not need to check with me for any plans he makes with other partners. That would feel like a weird veto to me. He also doesn't need to check with me for plans he makes on his own. Does this make sense? I do definitely want to be told, but I don't want any say on whether it's allowed or not.
Okay woah the going parallell part is advice I never even realized I needed but this is excellent, thank you. Because I already have some kind of need to Not Ever go through this kind of shit again, but I don't want to make some kind of ultimatum if he ever dates someone new to poly again. Demanding parallell and saying I won't be able to do emotional management for that is a much nicer solution. Difficult for me and my control issues yes, but manageable.
I appreciate you so much, thank you, genuinely.

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u/karmicreditplan 13h ago

It’s totally human and normal to think oh good I’m glad that inconvenience and potential threat to me is over. Don’t worry about that, it’s totally valid.

I will say that you seem to have way too much information about a relationship you aren’t in.

So while you say in a comment above that Birch doesn’t people please in your relationship I have to wonder. Do you ask all that? Can’t you stop him from over sharing? Or does he do that to curry favor or build a bond with you particularly since y’all were having a hard time this year?

Just a thought. Whatever the reason you have so much information it feels like way too much to me.

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u/AdrenaLinnea 8h ago

Okay hmm this was a much kinder way of putting something the other person here also brought up, and yeah okay now I definitely see it, thank you. We are definitely both at fault here, him and me. I don't ask all of it, but I do ask too much, and even though I have said he shouldn't share if I ask too much, he... Probably does. Thanks for calling me out on this.
I don't think he does it to curry favour specifically, he doesn't have that many people to talk about poly stuff with, and that might be part of the issue, I realize.

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u/sundaesonfriday 18h ago

Very relatable. I've felt relieved even when a meta's partners' have ended relationships with shitty people. If you're having to deal with drama because of a relationship, or even if a loved one is just being negatively affected by the relationship, it's understandable to be glad when it's over.

Might be a good time to take stock and see if there was any oversharing that put more of this on your plate than there should have been. You shouldn't be tiptoeing in your relationship to make room for other people's insecurities, for example. It's always good to reflect and check our boundaries after a difficult period ends.

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u/AdrenaLinnea 18h ago

Oh yeah, this is a good point - Birch most definitely overshared, and it became an issue, because then I felt like I needed to be kept updated as shit went down. In the start I was super happy to be confided in, as I have a lot more experience than he has, but with time I realized I even sort of needed to lie by omission about what I knew, when I interacted with Jewel. And I did then give Birch shit about that, like "Dude, I will not be keeping your secrets". But also, I sucked at putting down my foot when it was happening so I am not free from guilt here.

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u/yallermysons 18h ago

You have feelings and you’re expressing those feelings to people who are uninvolved and who won’t run and go tell your partner what you said—you have received my validation. I’d probably feel relieved too in your shoes lol.

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u/OrangecapeFly 18h ago

Given the information I have, you are doing great. Your feelings make sense and you are putting them here, not on your partner. You did it!

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u/emeraldead 18h ago

If your people pleaser doesn't get real help to change...expect this to be the norm for your life forever.

Jewel may have finally ended the needless pain, but Birch is gonna keep Birching.

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u/AdrenaLinnea 17h ago

It's never been an issue in mine and his relationship, and of course it still might be, but I'd appreciate if we could stay at the topic. Any issues me and Birch have and have had, have never been connected to people pleasing

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u/emeraldead 17h ago

If you hadn't been having issues you wouldn't have posted.
Sure feel good it's over. But the world is full of Jewels for Birch to keep creating no win scenarios around.

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u/Fidgety-fae 18h ago

I think I would be super relieved, you were not directly involved in their relationship and yet were affected by their drama anyway. Sounds like Jewel had some unrealistic expectations, and neither of the two were communicating transparently. I definitely wouldn’t volunteer that information to Birch, but it’s totally ok to feel how you do.

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u/HarmoniumSong 12h ago

I think makes sense that when you’re with a good partner weird stuff like that will dissolve in due time. It’s usually a bit more obvious from the outside but solid good people tend to eventually figure things out.

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u/AutoModerator 19h ago

Hi u/AdrenaLinnea thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Me (NB35) and anchor partner (Birch, M37) have been together for ish 3 years, I have been poly for 10+ years, Birch around 5 years but with less practical experience during that time. This spring, Birch met Jewel (F32). Jewel is very baby poly, has tried being poly before but mostly had bad experiences and generally has a lot of insecurities, but really wants to try, as they really fell hard for each other. Birch has been set in being a good poly mentor, but also has issues around people pleasing. Mine and Birch's relationship has gone through some ups and downs in the last year, but this summer we settled more properly, and Jewel has had a lot of insecurities around me, and especially with the hierarchy that does exist, but does not limit emotional connections.

Now, to me it was very clear from the beginning, that Jewel would not be okay with this setup in the long run, but was pushing herself because of being so in love. Especially when talks about hierarchy came up, stuff got really messy, and she went through the all familiar "I am not good enough" spiel. Birch has been super patient with her, given assurance and validation, but has also seriously messed up when it comes to being upfront with he can offer longterm.

Well now it's looking like they are about to break up, where the last drop was Birch and me going on vacation together, and he didn't "check with her" (which is never an agreement they had, and one I would not be okay with) first.
And this is where I need advice and/or validation; Because I can't help but think "Oh thank god, finally".... Anyone with even a little bit of poly experience could see that this is a train wreck. I have done my best to be a supportive partner, occasionally going "Hey love, you NEED to talk about this topic with her", and also treaded carefully on topics that I know might be triggering to her, but also it's been mega taxing for me, because it's such a guessing game of what might trigger an insecurity.

And I feel like such an ass for being relieved, but I genuinely did not ever see this ending well for either of them, and I would rather it ended sooner rather than later, because they are just Not Compatible, and they can't see it through their rose tinted glasses. I obviously has not said this directly to Birch because rude, but I have carefully brought up how it really can be a big challenge and so on...

Thoughts, validations? Can anyone relate?

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