Hey yall! I'm somewhat new to this and just seeking general advise as well as some specific advise. I have some trauma from past relationships when I was much younger and just want to make sure I'm doing this right and not letting my past influence this relationship.

The situation:

I (26F) and my husband (28M, we'll call him Enzo) were out with a friend (23F, we'll call her Violet). Enzo and Violet have known each other for a few years but weren't super close. I met Violet within the past year. I have hung out with Violet more than Enzo has in the few years they've known each other.

Anyway, we were all hanging out at a festival, drinking and such, and I kissed her. That lead to us making out on the car ride home and then the 3 of us had a threesome. Totally unplanned, wasn't seeking it out, just hanging with a friend and it happened.

A few days later, we all sat down and talked about it and we're all open to exploring where this could go as a closed triad. We have at this point had 3 threesomes and each was better than the last.

This last time before we all had sex, we had another talk. Enzo and I talked to Violet seperately and then all 3 of us together. She expressed concerns to Enzo about being a disposable 3rd and wanting to be our girlfriend and he reassured her that's not what we want, we want her to be our girlfriend. To me (our conversation was after theirs) she said about being monogomous fwb. I expressed my concerns to her about wanting a romantic relationship with her and not just being 'tolerated' so her and Enzo can be together. She keeps saying I'm very attractive but kinda avoiding the emotional aspect. She did say she wouldnt have picked a female to be in a relationship next but she was open to trying it and she's a bit rusty in that aspect (she recently got out of a 3 year relationship with a man but has dated women in the past). My conversation with Violet was interrupted by our doordash order arriving. We then went into the conversation between the 3 of us and I again brought up about wanting her and I to have an emotional/ romantic relationship and she agreed (but it was like "yeah" while laying on his chest not looking at me). She is amazing towards me in bed tho, best I've had with a woman she honestly surprised me (she licked her way to my heart lmao, but I was into her before that too). Not trying to cast him in a bad light, its just how he is, he's not very big on the emotional/ romantic aspect of relationships so the romantic connection she wants will be more with me than him and I tried explaining that. (I'm not saying he won't care for her, I'm more saying the "treasuring" high emotion/ romance she seeks will come more from me bc that's how I am).

The trauma:

I was in a relationship with a man when I was in my late teens-early 20s. We had threesomes and some triad situations but the way it happened wasn't okay with me nor was my opinion taken into account ever if it was even asked for (usually wasnt). Basically, unbeknownst to me, he was out dating around and would bring them home to me. Like literally one of our girlfriends was introduced to me as my girlfriend. "Hey meet X, she's our girlfriend now" uhhh nice to meet you for the first time ever.. new girlfriend? Anyway, all of these people aside from 1 literally just tolerated my existence in order to be with my man. I am bisexual and have dated women and I want to date women but I am EXTREMELY scared of just being tolerated so they can be with my now husband (different man). I want a girlfriend that wants me.

My concerns:

Violet has assured me she is attracted to me (physically) but hasn't been very reassuring that she's interested in me as a person. I have multiple times expressed my past trauma and concerns about being tolerated to be with my man and how I actually want her and I to have a relationship (I'm actually into her, I caught feelings). It is still very new, we dont know each other very well so I'm not sure if I'm overthinking it (I'm a chronic overthinker) or if that is what she's doing and is just telling me it isn't.

She does seem to favor Enzo right now, which I chalk up to them just knowing each other longer and I understand our relationships are likely to develop at differing rates. Im just worried I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. I actually really like this girl and I'm scared its going to be a repeat of past relations I've had.

Pregnancy - this honestly wasn't something I had concerns about previously becuase Enzo has a tendency to not cum during threesomes. It was a rule we set just in case that he cant cum in anyone aside from me until we make the decision altogether otherwise. We've had a few one-off threesomes in the past (also not planned, nor "hunted" for) and he didnt cum and in past threesomes before I came into the picture he also hadn't cum. He said its been over a decade since he's cum during a threesome. So it really wasn't something I was too concerned about. Welp, he did cum during this last threesome while he was fucking Violet. He pulled out but it was VERY close (im not convinced he got out in time, like he said he was gonna cum, I told him to get out, he quickly thrusted a few more times then pulled out & the moment he was out he was cuming I'm really not convinced he got out fully in time). His pull-out game isn't as strong as it once was, he's finished inside me for the past 2 years. Now I'm very nervous about her being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, if this relationship works out and we are together for years, that's something I'd be open to in the future but RIGHT NOW its so new that I am not okay with it. Enzo and I have a young toddler and its just a complication we dont need right now. Its not something the 3 of us have talked about yet. I know in the relationship she recently left, they were trying and had miscarried multiple times and she's had very strong baby fever so I'm also concerned if she IS pregnant she will want to keep it. We're still in the window for Plan B and I want her to take it but I dont want to insult her by trying to have her take it. Idk what to do about that. This is all too new for that kinda complication, I dont want to scare her off by asking her to take a Plan B, I dont know what I'd do if she does end up pregnant and wants to keep it and is successful. Like I want her to have her own child, I'm not trying to gatekeep her uterus its just too new between the 3 of us. I really hate this complication popped up so early, I really like her.

Favortism? Some added context, I'm terrible at texting. I text like I'm talking in person so I write paragraphs which takes time that I dont always have bc I have a young toddler I'm chasing around. However, when someone grabs my attention I'm very talkative and make the extra effort to text them to show my interest. Violet and Enzo text much more often and I've had a bit of a feeling towards her not initiating conversations with me. I've asked Enzo about it and he is the one that typically initiates conversation with Violet but even so she is much more responsive to him (even when I initiate conversation). Maybe I'm just not as good at shooting the breeze in texts as he is. But there was a situation the last time we hang out. She texted him "lmk when yall are on ur way to get me". I texted her "omw" about 5 mins later. I got there and waited for her for an hour, calling texting having him call and text and I was very worried for her safety. When she finally responds, she responded to him that she was pulled into an unexpected work meeting. Its not until a good 30-45 mins later that she responds to me, the one freaking out about her safety (irrelevant other situation not related to this situation but I was getting ready to call the cops concerned). That really heightened the feeling of favoritism imo.

My questions:

Am I overthinking and letting my past trauma project onto Violet?

Is the wording differences between their conversation and our conversation something to be concerned about? Like does she want to be his girlfriend but just fwb with me? She's been unclear with her intentions despite Enzo and I trying to clarify individually and as a group.

Is that really just the case is that her history with Enzo is why she seems to favor him more right now? (Which is okay, I'm okay with our relationships developing at different rates I just dont want to end up being 'tolerated') she once said she is interested in me as a girlfriend and views him more as a best friend. I'm kinda falling for this girl but being hesitant letting myself fall completely becuase of this (my past + the seeming favoritism).

How should I approach the Plan B? Should I be worried about offending her? Should I present it with a more in-depth conversation about how it would be something we can do in the future if we work out but right now she needs to take the Plan B? I know she's sensitive about pregnancy and dont want to hurt her feelings but I need that reassurance she won't get pregnant right now. (We only went unprotected bc we all know we're clean right now & Enzo doesnt (or rather didnt) cum during threesomes but I dont think she's on birth control bc she was trying for pregnancy somewhat recently - ik ik it was stupid of us to go unprotected in the first place but my mind was more on STD concerns than pregnancy bc of Enzo's tendancy and we knew she was clean).

I just want to make sure I'm doing this properly. I care about her and her feelings. We've talked about what she wants in this relationship and her boundaries as well as ours. I dont want her to feel "unicorn hunted" or as a "disposable 3rd". I genuinely like her and hope to have a long triad relationship with her. But I have trauma and concerns.

I am open to criticism. If I'm overthinking or doing something wrong, please tell me but be kind about it. I want the best for her and our relationship and that's why I'm here making this post. I dont need hatred spewed at me I'm a sensitive soul.

TLDR:

Situation - out with a mutal friend (more history between him & her than her & I), had an unplanned threesome, now are easing into a triad relationship.

Trauma - I tried triad in the past with a different man and it didnt go well at all. Without conversation & permission he was out dating around and would bring women home to be in a relationship with us without my opinion and I was often unwillingly cucked both in bed and the relationship, I was 'tolerated' so they could sleep with my man.

Concerns - I'm worried about projecting my past onto Violet. I'm concerned with her being unclear on her intentions. She's said conflicting things like her and I being platonic and fwb but then also saying things like she's more interested in me and views him as a best friend. Concerned about a current pregnancy scare very early on in our new relationship. Favoritism concerns, not sure if our relationships are developing at differing rates or if I'm setting myself up for heartbreak.

Questions - am I projecting? Am I overthinking? How to handle this pregnancy scare? (I seem to be the only one concerned). Developing at different rates or actual favoritism?

Wrap up thoughts - I'm really into her and want to make sure I'm handling this properly and not letting my past & anxieties ruin a good thing. (Sorry for the book of a read)

My husband and I are in the Uk and we love the idea of a polycule as either a triad or more. We are pretty open and we both would love to come our forever person/people. Really looking for any advice on how to start and how to find people

My husband and I have been together for ten years, we have kids together, and we’ve been married for six. Our relationship predates our partner by quite a bit although she’s been a part of our lives for all of our relationship platonically.

Anyway, the relationship has gotten very serious. Our partner and her children will be moving in with us next month. We’re looking at the possibility of having another child with her carrying the pregnancy. We’re also looking at making a three way purchase of a new home next year.

We want to make sure that our partner is as legally protected as possible in this arrangement. We hate that we can’t be legally married to her.

What arrangements have you made to legally protect your partner?

These two amazing sexy ladies are so wonderful! They so sweet cuddled up sleeping in, little shopping, lunch at Red Cup and home for chill time! Going dancing at Angles OKC this evening! If you see us say hi! #throuplelove #redcupokc #anglesokc

I have a really good relationship with all of my family, however about half of them are super conservative and I don’t know if they’d want to stay in contact with me if they ever found out I want/have two partners. No, I’m not going to change a huge part of how I want to live my life to please them, but I am really scared of how they’d see me afterwards.

Specifically, my maternal grandparents are who I’m most afraid of telling since they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and if you know anything about JW’s, you know that even though they claim to be politically neutral they have extremely conservative values.

So, first just a question for the community and learning about others, second my own personal situation I'm trying to manage.

Q1: What do you all typically do for the holidays? Split between multiple family visits? Do your own thing in your own circle? Split up for the holidays so everyone can see their families?

Q2: I'm trying to bake up ideas for us celebrating our first real holiday season together. I don't know what they want yet, so our "weekend roundtable" will be the first time I bring anything up. Last year we were just barely establishing things as an official throuple, so my shorter-term girlfriend just went home for Thanksgiving, and Christmas was a truncated visit over to my parents' place overnight by myself as we moved in STG during that week between Christmas and New Years.

So I don't know what to propose this year. My parents live close enough (across a large city) that I'm always invited for Thanksgiving and they expect me to sleep over. Sometimes longer-term girlfriend comes with but sits in my old room and doesn't interact besides grabbing a plate. I'm sure there'd be an open invite for us all... but they don't know about my triad. Same goes for Christmas. But I don't want to make it all about me.

STG's parents will likely invite her too for both holidays (which would be a whole plane flight), but since they think she's currently single, I don't know if us showing up or making the journey just to be separate and sitting in a hotel room makes a lot of sense. We're still debating if at some point soon she's going to introduce me as her boyfriend and slowly talk about LTG, but that's another thread.

Lastly, LTG has no family left (technically) besides her sister. So, it can be lonely. We could fly her in? I could fly LTG out to see her?

I'm struggling, because I almost feel like the only reasonable options are to do our own thing as a trio, confusing our families about why we're missing holidays, split up and do everything separate, which is disappointing during a time of the year that's supposed to be about being close... or doing the most convenient option for me and centering everything on my family.

Open to ideas, and excited to hear what you all do!

I have seen a few posts on here in the past about commitment ceremonies. We have been looking at websites for them. If you have done it or happen to be an attorney to offer some advice, please reach out to us. From research we think we know what we can and can not do in Oklahoma. We want to have a beautiful ceremony but want to stay legal also.

Its just so heartbreaking, its been a year and im still just so devastated. They are such good friends and I get along with them both romantically and it just makes me die inside we couldn't figure it out. We still live together sometimes and its so nice in the good moments but then theres so much restriction now and hurt feelings. Its so muted and it crushes my god damn soul

We've just been on this bed buying adventure and it turns out there are a lot of traps here. A mattress might feel right but if you don't take these things into account it may lead to back issues.

TL;DR it really restricts your options in mattress and frames but there are a few things that work

1. Height difference: you need about 10cm extra room above your height for pillow space. I am 9cm shorter than a king width and my toes do come off occasionally, it's tolerable but I definitely would say this is the bare minimum. Having shorter partners allows me to take advantage of diagonals.

2. Location: king size differs place to place. In Australia where I'm from it's 183cm × 203cm. This means an extra 20cm width which is quite substantial and worth doing. In the US it's 193cm (76in) x 203cm (80in), so while this might accommodate taller people, some of the other practicalities might make this not worth it as it's practically already square. In Europe it's 180cm x 200cm, so I would have been too tall for this to work but shorter people could manage.

3. Material: Springs & Hybrid- it turns out that now every single springed and hybrid mattress on the market uses zoned springs. You have different firmness levels for head, shoulder, hips, legs etc. So what happens if you sleep sideways? You get grooves of firmness running down your body. And it isn't how the mattress was designed to be slept on. Now you might be able to get a 3 zoned mattress for 3 people that like different firmnesses, but it just seems like a bad idea. Memory foam- memory foam material is lovely and rarely zoned. However it has one significant draw back for sleeping 3; it doesn't breath very well. I'm sure we've all experienced the trouble of hot nights while in the middle. Big no for us in a warm climate. Latex - natural, breathable and rarely zoned. This is where we ended up as the only viable option to sleep sideways with 3. Funnily enough with precisely one option that worked, it made the bed buying adventure much less painful then usual.

4. Bed slats: this is a big thing you might overlook. Flexible slats bow the wrong direction, you'll probably have two sections which leads to a ridge across the middle around your hips. You probably would barely feel it but not good for a long term option. You need to look for a solid platform.

5. Frame: this configuration knocks underbed drawers and attached bed heads right out unless you want something custom made. So you really just need something quite simple. You can use a seperate bed head though.

So yes, sleeping sideways on a king can work, however make sure you consider everything because it can really limit your options. We have one larger sized bed in Australia called super king, but it's 204cm x 204cm so would have offered little benefit in width while taking up extra bedroom space, and requiring more difficult to find sheets.

Good workout this evening!

Last night we went to Veggie night again at Picasso Cafe. We had such a great time together! Loving each other and our time together! We already made our reservations for next month. #throuplelove #picassocafe #paseodistrictokc #veggienightpicassocafe

Should polygamy be legal if all adults consent? Personal freedom vs. societal norms
Most of us grew up assuming monogamy is just how marriage works. But the question is worth asking: if everyone involved is a consenting adult, why should the state say how many people can be in a marriage?

The case for legalizing:

Consent is the standard. If marriage is a contract between consenting adults, a headcount cap looks arbitrary. Supporters say the same autonomy logic behind same-sex marriage applies here.

Religious and cultural freedom. Some faith traditions and cultures practice plural marriage, and a ban criminalizes how they live.

Bring it out of the shadows. When plural families are underground, abuse is harder to report. Legal recognition could mean legal protections: inheritance, custody, medical decisions, divorce rights.

It already exists in practice. Plenty of people live in multi-partner households with no legal protection at all.

The case against:

Consent is hard to verify. Critics point to communities where girls and women are pressured or raised into plural marriage, and where "choice" isn't really a choice.

Gender and power imbalances. Historically, polygamy has overwhelmingly meant one man with several wives. Opponents argue this entrenches inequality and can leave surplus young men sidelined.

The legal system isn't built for it. Taxes, immigration, health insurance, custody, and divorce all assume two spouses. Who's the next of kin? How are assets split across five people? Critics say the complexity is a real barrier, not a footnote.

Marriage norms matter. Some argue monogamy's social value (stability, equal partnership, clear obligations) is worth protecting even at the cost of some individual freedom.

Fair counterpoints each side makes: Supporters say the "slippery slope from same-sex marriage" is exactly what opponents predicted, and that the principle holds. Opponents say the two aren't comparable: same-sex marriage fits the existing two-person legal framework, while polygamy requires rebuilding it.

So where do you land? Is the real question consent, or whether the law can protect everyone in a plural marriage? And would you want a narrow version (adults only, strict contract rules) or none at all?

Im new to the space. My wife came out a year ago as gay after the birth of are kid, and not long ago the topic of poly was proposed to me, how do we go about getting a third (that sounds bad like im collecting them) she is wanting another girl.

What apps do you prefer, or had best results from. Still trying to wrap my head around it.

I'm very much an "all or nothing" person when it comes to love. I'm married, and my wife and I live together. I also have a partner (polyamorous arrangement, everyone is aware), who will be moving in with us next month.

Since my partner and I don't live together yet, we mainly stay connected through messaging, with occasional phone calls. Normally I like to hear from them at least once a day—just a quick check-in, what's new, that kind of thing. That's my baseline for feeling connected.

But the last few days, communication has dropped way off. Barely anything. And it's got me spiraling a bit.

My mind keeps running through possibilities: Did I do or say something wrong? Is something going on in their life I don't know about? Are they putting off telling me something because they're afraid of how I'll react?

For the record—there is nothing they could tell me that I couldn't handle. I'd rather hear a hard truth than silence. I just want them to talk to me.

Has anyone dealt with something like this before? How do you handle it when a partner goes quiet and you don't know why?

Don't look for one! My boyfriend posted that he wanted a cuddle buddy and that was all I was interested in at the time. We ended up bonding. We're moving in together next month

I joined this subreddit because I am in a closed 4 person polycule. And this subreddit seemed to best fit my expirences. However we don't actually fit the definition used in the description of this subreddit.

In my relationship none of us are dating or having any romantic relationships with additional people. But of the 4 of us, 1 person does have hookups with other people, and the other 3 don't mind. We're all men so in the gay community it's common to have open relationships and it's easy to have sex without involving feelings, dating, and romance.

What are your thoughts on polyfidelity? In my mind I view it as romantic fidelity, not sexual fidelity. Am I in the minority or do more of you share my thoughts?

I certainly feel like I fit best here rather than other poly groups.

​

We are an Indian couple in the UK. Unlike the USA, Why ain't polyamory/ ethical non monogamy popular in the UK? Am I wrong or polyamorous people in the UK are not using Reddit for it?

I started dating a couple four months ago. I met the man/my boyfriend online while seeking a cuddle buddy. Ended up bonding with both him and his wife instead. Best way to find a unicorn is to not seek one, right?

Anyway, my apartment lease is up on Nov 10th. I can either move in with the two people I love most in world or sign on to another year here. I'm a bit nervous because the relationship is so new, but I also don't want to wait another year. We've worked with legal aid through the library to draw up a rental contract that protects all parties. On a practical note, my monthly expenses will be considerably less. If I had my druthers, the lease would expire three months from now so that I'd get to know them better.

If inclined, please reassure me that it will be okay.

Edit: oh boy r/polyamory did not like this. But I am truly in love with both of them. Why not go forward?