Can’t speak for anyone else but myself here, but my dating life has been an absolute ghost town since entering my thirties, just turned 33. I had a much easier time meeting women and getting laid in my twenties than I ever had in my thirties so far.

I was told for men they finally hit their stride in terms of finances, libido and maturity and more women would see you as valuable…it’s been the opposite for me. In my late twenties I was a disaster and still was able to regularly find women to go out with. Now in my thirties, I couldn’t find a date if she approached me and slapped me upside the head, despite the fact I’m more emotionally mature, in the best shape of my life and more outgoing than ever before. 😂

For those out there who are successfully dating or found a healthy relationship, how/where?

I hit the gym 2-4 days a week, I volunteer, I’ve joined hobby groups and singles mixers…nothing works. I’ve even tried the occasional bar night out with friends, both men and women and it just seems everyone keeps to themselves. Dating apps are an absolute dumpster fire and I’m just got tired of being ghosted and never messaged back.

It's not that people don't grow or change. It's more that it's rare and even if it happens, it's usually very slow. And the outcome is still uncertain.

I never looked for people who have issues. Many of these things became apparent only while we were already dating. But when some of them were revealed, I had this naive belief that everybody deserves a shot at redemption. Because I got one. So they too deserve a second chance. Somebody who believes in them and supports them. And I still do. It's just not going to be me.

Because...

• The person who admits they are avoidant, but swears they're doing therapy and are working on it? Guess who ended up discarding and moving on?
• The person who is defensive and has anger issues? Guess who still can't compose themselves months after we dated?
• The person who lives a secret life abroad behind her family's back? Guess who ended up secretly cheating?
• The person who struggles with maintaining healthy boundaries? Do I even need to go on?

I'm such a believer in that everybody can grow and heal. And I love supporting people in my everyday life. It brings me joy. But this is something I had to learn the hard way. Just because I am willing to do something, doesn't mean that others are willing as well. Or that they are able. Like my friend once told me, don't expect yourself from others.

I find myself now after what I want to be my last dating experience where I gave somebody a fundamental benefit of the doubt. I don't intend to look for perfection. But a red flag stays red from now on. I won't color it pink anymore.

-and I wish dating apps focused on more serious things that actually matter. I dont care what his zodiac horoscope is. I want to know his core beliefs and world views.

I don't understand why "dont talk about politics and religion" is often cited as a rule for a first date. If we are going to disagree over it, lets disagree over it on the first date and not waste each others time.

At least for me, I date to find a long term partner in life. Having compatible world views and personal morality is one of the top priorities.

So many dating apps just focus on "fun" things but I don't care if my partner has the same hobby as me, in fact it can often be better to have different hobbies. Core values and world views? Now thats what Im interested in sharing.

It would save SO much time to have more serious discussions first and get the deal breakers out of the way, then fun and flirting.

(edit: for context I just ended a 3 date long 'relationship' after asking him about religion and kids, and realized we are opposites. He kinda teased me about bringing up the serious talks but if I hadnt brought it up, we might have wasted each others time for much longer.) (I first met him in-person, not on an app.) (I'm pretty sure he just wanted to sleep with me and would have ditched me right afterwards.)

So, I matched with this woman, I think it’s a woman, and it’s been two days since we matched. The second day she asked for my Instagram and when I told her that I don’t have socials, she went dark. Eventually, I got her back and we exchanged (or is it switched?) numbers. I texted her and immediately she started asking for shirtless pics, relentlessly - I said no. Anyway, I said that I think it’s a woman because I’ve never met a woman to behave this way. I know that anything is possible, but I get the feeling that she’s a teenage boy or some horny man. Women, is this something you’ve ever done before getting to know the guy? Guys, has this ever happened to you? I really feel like I’m being catfished.

Title given. My last long-term relationship ended in 2022. It was also a year and a half long, so maybe not so "long-term". But that is the longest relationship I've had. When I turned 32 in 2025, I became diabetic. The doctors were thrown off, because I'm not even overweight. I weigh on average 140-155lbs. But it was what it was. Then, in the fall, I had spine surgery to remove a grown tumor that was pushing onto my spine. Then it turned out that tumor was Melanoma, so after surgery, I had to get radiation done.

After I got zapped, They did more scans on me, and found another tumor that had grown on my adrenal gland. A Pheochromocytoma. A rare adrenal gland cancer. Thankfully it is not terminal, but the doctors have concluded that this 2nd tumor is the cause of my being diabetic. It causes my adrenaline to spike at random moments, where my heart is beating, I sweat, etc. So, I am currently taking chemo meds to shrink the tumor so it can be safetly removed. Also had a stroke while in the hospital recovering.

I am thankful that I'm still alive and in a better state than I was a year ago. It's all been hard to deal with while Single, though I have my family and honestly that is enough for me. In a way, I'm still processing everything and growing from it. I've been working a lot of overtime and saving for my own apartment when my current lease with friends ends. I feel like I can't move onto the next chaoter in my life until I have my own apartment. So, I think I'm just done with dating at the moment and am going to remain intentionally single. For how long, I'm not too sure. But I have a lot I'm trying to focus on in my life, and a relationship just sounds too much to add to all of it right now.

Long rant, but it feels good to get it off my chest.

I know it is a drastic step. But as a man that has been single all my life, has no dating or romantic experience, as well as approaching my late 30s, I just feel this is the only option.

Years of putting myself out there has resulted in repeated rejection. Over the last 20 years I have tried socialising, meet up events, single events, approached women and friends trying to matchmake - well intended efforts that have resulted in the same outcome. A preference I don't fit and have no choice but to respect.

I have been told in my 20s and 30s "you'll find someone when I least expect it" - something that hasn't happened. I have been told "you miss all the shots you don't take" only for me to miss all the shots I have taken since I was 16.

Self improvement like grooming, skincare, clothing, reading books, YouTube videos, even a dating coach recently and years of therapy.

No person is entitled to a relationship but it just feels demoralising to put so much time and effort in for little results dating wise. So, I look to a military maxim that says "never reinforce failure" and think why look for love when it will never happen. Is it right to continue to focus on my hobbies and interests - accept being alone dating wise?

I'm just ranting because I need to get this out. The vast majority of people that you are engaging with are not narcissists. They're just traumatized people who are emotionally immature. And that's literally it.

We are a country of millions of people who are emotionally immature, who don't know how to regulate ourselves, don't know how to identify our emotions, don't know how to know when we're triggered and when we're not triggered. And don't know how to act when we're triggered because we were raised by generations upon generations of people who also were triggered and don't know how to understand that they were triggered or fix that or anything like that. So they took it out on their kids and taught their kids shitty ways of engaging with other people and dealing with their emotions and so on and so forth. We are all blind and going around in the fucking dark. We're traumatized. We're scared. We don't know how to trust anybody. We don't know how to trust ourselves because there are so many emotionally unintelligent people. And the really frustrating thing about understanding trauma and emotions and things like that is that we have enough information now to understand just how fucked up we are and just how starved we are for emotionally intelligent relationships and conversations. But the fun flip side is that our society does not give us the resources to actually fix that.

So basically, we are aware enough to know that we are in a desert and we are fucking starving for emotional interactions. We are thirsting for it. And yet we don't know where to find good, clean water. We don't know where to find good clean water. It is not accessible to us. And I mean that in terms of social emotional learning courses, in terms of therapy and good therapy and therapeutic spaces. A lot of people are told to just go to therapy with no other context or explanation or guidance on how to actually find a therapist that's right for them. There are tons of different kinds of therapists that engage in a ton of different kinds of therapy and different therapies work for different people. Different modalities work for different people. Different modalities work for different diagnoses and problems and issues and so on and so forth. And a big thing is finding a therapist that you connect with. And that's just a specific thing.

You never really know who you're going to connect with until you talk to them. And when you finally get to somebody, you have already been on a waitlist for God only knows how long, have had to spend a stupid amount of money because health insurance is shit and have had to answer a bunch of what feels like bullshit questions just to even try to talk to somebody for once. And then you get there and you realize that you really don't click.

And this person really isn't right for you. Not necessarily that they're a bad therapist because there are bad therapists. But a lot of times they just may not be the right therapist for you. Just like in a lot of relationships, that person may not necessarily be a bad person. They're just not the right person for you. Or you and that other person have been triggered and traumatized and don't know how to communicate or notice when you're triggered, notice how to calm yourself down, notice how to take accountability for the things that you say and do when you are triggered. Because in a lot of arguments, both people have engaged in shitty behavior that they need to take accountability for.

An argument is not always just one person did something terrible. It takes at minimum two people to have an argument The vast majority of us are really just fumbling around in the dark and don't know who to trust or how to find ways to build confidence in our ability to find good people all the time. And think about this: the fact that like in order to learn what you like and what you don't like in relationships, you have to actually get into relationships.

And a lot of times you wind up getting in relationships at your teenage years or your 20s for people who are in those relationships. And just like you're emotionally immature in your teens and 20s and a lot of people in their 30s and 40s and 50s because of the aforementioned stuff, so is the other person. And so you have this dynamic where y'all hurt each other because you don't know what to do. And then you grow up with this mentality. A lot of people grow up with this mentality that everyone is bad, that everyone's a shitty person, that everyone that they engage with is just toxic or narcissistic or that they're just a magnet for shitty people, when the reality is there's just a fuck ton of emotionally unintelligent people And nine times out of ten, if you have experience dating, it was when both of you were teenagers or in your early 20s and didn't know what you were doing.

It doesn't mean your hurt wasn't real. It doesn't mean the pain wasn't real. It doesn't mean the relationship wasn't real. But putting that in that context hopefully can help you understand that there are probably things that you did that weren't okay for that person, just like there are things that that person did that were not okay for you. And neither of you has to be evil to do wrong. Sometimes y'all can just do wrong. Or sometimes you guys just aren't compatible dating-wise, but you're compatible friends-wise. And that happens. And no one needs to be a bad person. Sometimes it's just that. In fact, a lot of times it's just that.

My bf(28M) and me (31) both us are neurodivergent. But we’ve been dating only for a month and we’ve talking about commitment already. He asked me to move in to the state he lives in. But he asks for sexually questions a lot and don’t know if it’s because he is a virgin. If anyone got any advice please let me know.

In the beginning of the relationship (2 years), everything happened fast. After a few months, she (23F) was living more in my house than hers, so she moved in. I (24M) thought it was too soon but didn't say anything because I was afraid of hurting her. I adopted the same attitude towards other things she did, and slowly, we both grew resentful.

At the same time, she's strong, very kind, and lovable. My family loves her; they have become very close to her, and she's more intimate with them than I am. She also helps me a lot emotionally. She's the one who helps me open up to people, and since I met her, my relationship with my family has become much better.

Unfortunately, she is very insecure and judgmental, to the point that her insecurities started to affect me too. I never had a problem with her appearance, but after months and months of hearing her talk about how ugly she is, and having every compliment I give her dismissed, I have now started to agree with her. That's fucked up!

She had a good, steady job where we lived. Then I had to move to a different city because of a job opportunity. We agreed we would be apart until necessary, but in the first month after I arrived, she took the first job she found and moved in. Her job sucks; she barely has any time and is always stressed out. This has deeply affected our relationship.

I feel more and more like leaving, but I don't know if I should. I truly value her, and we are both responsible for the current state of this relationship. She complains that I'm not affectionate and that I never initiate sex. I have slowly started to see sex more like a chore sometimes.

I'm afraid of leaving and losing the only person who values and loves me. She brings joy and light to my days, and I hate the thought of never hugging her again. Also, I can't break up now because she doesn't know anyone in this city, and she would have nowhere to go, nor the money to go back home.

I find myself fantasizing about other women, and I keep wishing we would break up. But that's very unfair to her because she loves me so much and has sacrificed a lot.

Does a 30-year age difference really matter? I’m in my late twenties, and I’ve developed feelings for a divorced man who is 30 years older than me. His youngest daughter is 17, and I genuinely like him for who he is. However, I’m not sure whether his feelings for me are still mutual. When we first started talking, he expressed interest in me and even wanted me to move in with him. I told him I would prefer to take things slowly because I wanted to get to know him better before making such a big commitment. Is it normal to feel this way, and can a relationship with such a significant age gap genuinely work?

I have liked someone who has not been available for a long time. From them I found out they have been single for about a year to a year and half.

I realized that getting out of a marriage is tough and something they may be more focused on the relationship they ended.

And they said they would get back to me about being friend and they never did.

I am female and they are male.

Would the lack of answer despite positive body language be a good indicator they are actually a no to me?

Been chatting with this guy (30M) that I (late-20'sF) have potential plans to meet with in a few weeks (we been talking for over a month. I usually don't wait this long but I liked talking to him). When chatting with me lately, he calls me "pookie" sometimes. And then there were a couple times where he said SUPER flirty things to me (which it was clear was a joke the first time but still, it was related to babies lmao). And then last week, I was telling him there was something he shouldn't do and he said "I like that you're trying to change me positively, literally my safe space". He's also brought up a couple times how he's going through stuff right now (the first time he said this, he said he had bad anxiety and then the 2nd time, he mentioned he grew so many gray hairs this year). I told him I hope things go easier and he messaged back saying "With you in my life, YESS". Maybe this was just him being flirty and funny, but it worries me he's coming on this strong for a bad reason. He also told me last week that I'm the first person he's wanted to meet off of Hinge and he has a good feeling about me.

We don't even call. We sent a lot of voice notes before but now we just message over on social media (we message each other QUITEE a good amount I'd say). I feel like it'd make sense for him to say these things if we called or facetimed a lot or something. I also just told him I'm having a bit of a rough day and I'll brb, and all he said was "Booo I hope it goes well, I'll be here". He didn't even ask me why my day was rough.. does it sound like he's just saying these things to fill a void and doesn't actually mean them? Or could he just be coming on too strong? I'm worried he's being emotionally unstable.

I (28M) have been struggling with dating apps lately, and the same thing keeps happening. The last time was a few days ago in Barcelona.

I met a girl (25F), and we were both a bit nervous. I tried to smile and keep the conversation going, but she kept looking away and barely made eye contact. I felt like the date wasn't going well, but I couldn't figure out why.

I do pretty well on dating apps and get matches and likes. All my pictures are recent, so I'm starting to wonder if I look better in pictures than in person, or if I'm giving off a weird vibe without realizing it.

I know I can look nervous, and people sometimes think I'm grumpy or uninterested when I'm not. I've tried to work on it, but it's hard to relax when the other person seems uncomfortable too.

My questions, especially for women:

• Can you find a guy attractive but lose interest because he seems anxious or uncomfortable on a first date?
• How can I figure out if the problem is my appearance, my profile creating unrealistic expectations, or my vibe?

I'm genuinely starting to wonder if I'm unintentionally giving off a catfish impression. Has anyone experienced something similar? I'd appreciate honest opinions.

we’ve been together for almost 2 years, and we are best friends, we share hobbies and go out to do them together atleast 3-4 times a week, and sexually things are great! 4-6 times a week on the low end, so I can’t complain but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me a little

he struggles with complimenting me, in day to day and during sex, we spoke about why and he said it makes him uncomfortable and anxious, so I accepted I might not get very many and appreciated the ones I did get, and most of the ones i do get are that im cute, or i have a squishy face or something along those lines

were trying to explore more sexually and im trying to be more confident in my sexuality, we watch porn and play porn games together now, when i was staunchly anti porn in the past, so im trying to not fall into the same lines of thinking that I used to live in so im hoping you guys can help me

he will say something is hot and sexy and is open about his attraction to what we are watching and playing but the most i get out of him during the actual event is ‘you’re so tight’

im starting to wonder if its not just compliments are hard, and its just that im not as attractive or enticing

like i was jerking him off while we were playing a game and i was trying to replicate the movements and all he can do is just look at me

but when the character is peeping on someone or doing something raunchy he talks about how sexy it is

idk how to broach this or bring this up, because i am enjoying this new found openness, it just feels weird, we’ve been doing it for a month and i feel like ive heard more compliments towards the game or scenes in that time than i have our entire relationship, which most definitely is a melodramatic period driven mean thought so i figured i could ask here to get some insight on how to bring this up without making him feel bad for being open with me

Been out of the dating game for a while and not emotionally available but still have my needs. Btw I’m a 42 M in a major city in Canada so there are lot of options. I’m above average in looks, laid back, respectful and have my own place.

Just wondering if it’s worth my time downloading Tinder if I’m looking for a hookup or ongoing casual sex or if there are better options out there (I’ve avoided going on apps for a while but I may have to bite the bullet). I’ve been on dating apps before and did fine on there but that’s been a while though and from what I’ve heard things have gone down hill. Any advice would be great.

Title given. And to be clear, this isn’t me trying to paint anything as racist or anywhere close, it’s all preference at the end of the day. I’m just pointing out an observation. Though I have been broken up with because my gf’s dad was actually racist.

I’m mixed (black/white) and I’m more attracted to white women, than black women. However, I think I’m personally at a disadvantage because I think that most white women just prefer white guys. Nothing inherently wrong with that. But it does make dating a bit more challenging for me. Of course there are women who are into mixed guys like me, but it seems few and far between.

If it were just me and a white dude side to side to be picked, most ppl would probably pick them instead of me. And I don’t fault anyone or anything for that, it just is what it is. Kinda killer for my self esteem though….

Title given. I don’t have a whole lot to say about my dating life right now. I just ended a month long relationship (not that I’m mourning) but part of it does suck that it didn’t work out and now I’m back to square one.

I’m currently satisfied with my daily life. Have a decent job, I go to the gym 5/7 days of the week. It’s nice and peaceful. I just have the occasional doomer feeling like my love life is washed up and/or I’m gonna be single for the rest of my days. Though I know deep down it’s not true, but it’s also kinda scary to think about not meeting my person until way later in life. Or that I might go on without meeting them at all. I guess that’s just the beauty of life. It’s completely unexpected. It’s exciting, but also scary.

I wonder if anyone will ever look at me and think “I want him to be my husband”. I couldn’t imagine such a thing 😂

At the beginning of the year, my new year's resolution was to go out at least once every weekend to a social club, a party, or any place people congregate. Talk to at least one woman, ask to connect on Facebook or get their phone number. I didn't go anywhere last weekend because over 9 months, I talked to hundreds of new people, but I made zero new Facebook friends and got zero numbers. So I don't want to do this anymore.

Zero confidence is left in my body. Even thinking of going outside to talk to strangers actually gives me a wave of trauma and nauseousness. I've encountered many not so nice or polite people and some who might've just been bullies. Each repeated rejection feels like another brick added to the stone wall that keeps piling up in front of me until I see no way over, and I feel like another one will collapse my spirit entirely. I feel bad for my therapist, just switched less than a month ago, and I already balled my eyes out.

I'm well aware that I'm preceived as neurodivergent. At least twice, complete strangers ask me what I "have". But I don't "have" anything, like I'm not a hospital patient who needs assistance with living: I keep my apartment tidy and clean, I take care of my skin, and I cook for myself. I've lived the last 18 years of my 36 years alone, completely fine and completely capable. I treat people with respect and dignity, and without prejudice. I think I'm a good perosn.

What is so bad about me that is so unlikeable or undateable? There are so many wonderful qualities and gifts that I have and want to share, but no one wants to receive them. I will be giving up on dating. since I'm mentally poorly, and I don't really have the capacity to share my love anymore, so I don't deserve someone to love me right now.

I'm a single straight 40F, and I decided I'm just going to be ok with myself, and learn to be content with the way my life is at the moment, even if I'm open to the possibility of dating. When I'm feeling lonely or a certain kind of void, I tend to download dating apps. Not healthy. And I realized that I was operating from a place of desperation when I did that, like I was clutching at straws in a way.

So I decided to learn to be content with the way my life already is. Like practicing some gratitude, noting what is going well in my life, etc..

I have my communities and social outlets, but I'm learning to be ok with being alone as well. It's honestly been a challenge at times, because loneliness does creep in sometimes whether I like it or not. But I'm learning to cope with loneliness in healthier ways now. I am a musician, so sometimes I will compose, or improvise to feel better. Or I could just do other hobbies on my own that are fun for me.

I ditched the apps for various reasons (for the paywalls mainly). I now just move about my life, and am not seeking outwardly something that I already have within me. I know that sounds ultra philosophical, but I'm learning that I'm a whole being and enough just as I am, and don't need anyone to be my partner. And if someone comes along the way who resonates with me, then great, but if not no worries, and I still have myself.

I wonder if anyone else resonates with this.

I 21m have been locked in trying to find romance and a gf for the past two years and after numerous failed dates, numerous hinge matches that have gone nowhere and numerous situationship that have gone nowhere I am ready to throw in the towel, I give up (at-least for now). It’s honestly insane how the idea of rejection and experiencing rejection would throw me into a depression only a few years back because I had virtually no experience with talking to women. Now rejection has become just a normal daily occurrence to me which I can flick away like it was nothing. However there is only so much rejection one can face before it turns them jaded from dating. I feel so ugly and undesirable I just feel I’m not even capable of loving or trusting a girl anymore. I have spent months being introspective trying to find the reason behind why no girls interest ever stays as I always thought I would make a good partner and was at-least somewhat attractive (decent athletic physique and I like the way my face looks personally and am somewhat tall). Yet after starting my new job I have had some comments from my female coworkers that seem to finally be revealing an answer, first I’m more cute then hot, I have been described as looking like a startled deer and like Frodo from Lotr, and the girl I have a crush on at work who is a little older refers to me as her ‘kid’. I remember a couple years back girls at my uni would call me ‘baby girl’ overall it seems that girls seem me as their cute little pet not a hot romantic prospect. And that sucks to hear as a straight guy. I also think my personality is naturally unattractive as many people have told me to my face I’m autistic even autistic people, but I have no such diagnosis. Idk does it sound like a sd idea to take a few years off dating, maybe once I mature mentally and in my face I can try again but I feel like dating is just a bad idea rn.

Something I’ve noticed on dating apps is that men tend to get a little too excited when I mention that I like to cook. Mind you, I’m no chef! I just enjoy following recipes that seem doable to me. 😭 I don’t think it’s something to get THAT excited about because me enjoying cooking doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to cook for you. Like, I’m sharing an interest, not competing for your affections through food.
In my opinion, if you’re capable of feeding yourself, whether that’s by cooking your own meals or finding other ways to nourish your body, you’re just a functional adult, babe. I don’t think knowing how to cook should automatically be treated like some extraordinary quality, especially when it comes to dating. Being able to take care of your own basic needs is part of being an adult, not some special qualification that means I’m going to start playing house with you.

I (25F) have struggled with putting myself out there, but recently have been trying to say yes to more dates. Went on one this past week and just felt like I didn’t get much substance out the date, more so just very surface level topics and him just being sarcastic and joking the whole time. What are the important things that should be asked on the first date? And how do you move to the deeper questions without it feeling awkward or abrupt?

I have zero opportunities to find people outside dating apps or bars, and no one wants anything serious with me. It has got to be my looks because I’m not sure what else could be wrong with me…I am so lonely and just want the solace that someone I like could like me back. I am willing to share photos or more info.