Has anyone’s ex stopped following their court order time because they no longer have to financially contribute ?

I have always has a suspicion that op clung to their court order time to avoiding increasing cs.

And now that my income has increased high enough to pretty much put their obligations at zero they are very happy to cancel time, let child choose, and are now pretty much not turning up at all.

I’m not shocked but I’m disappointed for our child.
Even though my child seems ok and really doesn’t ask for the op and is enjoying being home more I just yeah am curious if anyone else has had this?

A parent who turned up out of money, who, image and then once that money output was stopped they dropped the kid all together?

I need fair advice from mothers and fathers
I am the father
Our court order is through Virginia an
States that I have 3days a week 4hours maximum but other dates and times may be arranged between parents
For the better half of 6 months calendar documented I’ve been consistently getting him for 4 hours 3-4 days a week some days 8+hours since our order says other times and dates can be arranged.
Co parent agreed to overnights then those dates didn’t match so she denied saying I’m not reliable.
Middle of Sept we agreed that we’ll get him every other weekend 2weeks later beginning of Oct I ask if he can spend the night she denied earlier in the week and when I asked on Friday she agreed to let him stay on oct9 (my weekend) . Oct 9th he stayed no problems I sent updates. Oct 10 Saturday we had messaged back and forth about him staying the night she said she didn’t want him staying because I’ll be getting my teeth removed my argument was there was no reason for him to leave since I had child care already provided by my fiancée. She suggested 2pm I wanted more time with my son and we weren’t close to drop location. I told her @ 12pm Saturday drop off times of 8pm Saturday night or 8am Sunday morning for drop off . No response until I text at 7:12 pm Saturday night after my surgery. I fell asleep after sending text due to the medicine as my child was bathe , feed and already asleep. By 7:19 she finally responds saying “yes” after no indication over 7hours that 8pm was okay. proceeds to blow me up , call the police on me and then sent the threatening text messages next morning of how “I better be at drop off” when arrived she began to yell and bet-rate me in front of child (I said some unwanted things too in response I know I shouldn’t have) while saying if I want more time then change my visitation an that my fiancée shouldn’t be watching our child because she’s not on the order. (Our order dosent specifically say who can care for child) while threatening if I go to court I’ll have to pay her lawyer fees. Then come yesterday I get a piece of mail saying she filed contempt of court on the 19th for not returning our child on the 10th But not once did I with hold him from her especially when the time wasn’t specifically agreed on ahead of 8pm which is the time she wanted him back but never communicated that with me. As well I kept him another night after the 10th and told his grandma at drop off that I’ll be keeping him from 8am Friday - 8am Sunday she said okay . Few minutes later I get a text saying I’m breaking my visitation once again if I keep him again tonight from co parent while getting another text from grandma (con parents mom ) that I should reconsider dropping him off at 12pm instead of keeping him over night I kept him because I want my time with him as I updated her of his well being and she did not specifically say a meet up time nor denied him staying the time after the 10th (last weekend)

If you’ve dealt with a coparent who is a pathological liar— who particularly lies about issues that directly affect coparenting— how have you dealt with it?

My co-parent and I have an 80/20 custody split with me having the 80%. He’s supposed to have every other weekend. One week during the summer. We are supposed to alternate fall break and spring break. This was by agreement. He did not want anything close to 50/50.

Anyway he has voluntarily forfeited a lot of his parenting time. I put the actual time each of us had the kids in the past year and they were with me 93% of the time and him only 7% of the time. This led to a lot of exhaustion, extra childcare expenses, and frustration for me. And the kids got anxious because they never could predict when they’d see him. His visits with them became random rather than routine. I’ve had to rearrange my schedule countless times to accommodate his giving up time.

A day or 2 before his weekend was supposed to start, I’d reach out to confirm that he was getting them and more often than not, I was told no he couldn’t get them, followed by some very important-sounding reason as to why. Even though I didn’t ask the reason. He claimed to have to work extra shifts, be traveling to a work conference, be visiting sick relatives, going to continuing education courses to keep his professional license, going to a friend’s out-of-state wedding, attending a military friend’s funeral out of state, and so many other things. Turns out NONE of the reasons he gave me were true. But rather he was in a year-long secret relationship with a coworker and he was sacrificing time with the kids to travel around with her. Not just a night here and there. But entire school breaks and most weekends.

Also, I cannot trust him to tell me the truth about pertinent information when he does actually exercise his parenting time. They are ages 6 and 8 years old. One is autistic and a flight risk. They report that he leaves them unattended in his vehicle while he goes into gas stations and stores. They say they’re scared. When I ask him about it and remind him not to do it because of the danger risks, he denies that any of it happens. He told me they had clothing, toothbrushes, and basic hygiene products at his house. They don’t. They have nothing. If I don’t pack a bag for them, they stay in the same clothes and don’t get bathed or get their teeth brushed. When I ask for his half of reimbursement on their expenses, he lies and claims he had outrageous bills and expenses come up then only pays when I say that I’ll have to ask the court to enforce it. Our 6 year old is allergic to peanuts and was exposed to them once on his time and had to get an EpiPen administered and he denied that she’d been exposed to peanuts at all but there’s absolutely no other possible way she could have had the reaction she did. He will also tell me that they went certain places and did certain fun things then when I ask the kids how they had fun doing X, they’ll act confused and say they never did it.

He also tells the kids they didn’t witness things that they actually do witness and it confuses them then they ask me why daddy is telling them things that didn’t happen. For example, he took them once to someone else’s house to spend the night. They slept in the basement with sleeping bags. He either left or went to a different floor in the house. They were scared all night. Then he told them that they never went where he took them and that they dreamed it. He also had his girlfriend over overnight and then told them she wasn’t there and that they didn’t see or talk to her when they did.

I’ll stress that none of this is coming from me interrogating him. It’s from him feeling the need to overly provide information for some reason and lying in the process. I just don’t feel like I can trust him if he says the sky is blue. It’s so exhausting having your reality questioned constantly.

All I’ve known to do is refrain from asking questions or for reasons so that I don’t give him more opportunity to lie. But he keeps lying. I’d much rather him just say he’s tired, has other plans, or just admit that he doesn’t want to be a parent than for him to make up important sounding reasons for giving up his parenting time. And I really don’t like the kids heads being messed with. He’s teaching them not to believe their own lived experiences.

My kids father and I do a pretty good job when it comes to communication. We have a schedule that works for us, and if something comes up where we want them an extra day, or need to move things around for certain events, we talk it out and figure it out.

The problem I have is no matter how many times I have told my parents (well specifically my mom), about how my schedule is the same, and if it ever changes is because it’s already been communicated and that it’s none of their business, I still keep being interrogated on the decisions I make, the way I should react, how I’m not doing enough,
constantly, constantly, CONSTANTLY.

I never thought coparenting would give my more hell because of my own mom. I cannot understand how she can see her own daughter have a mental breakdown and continue to disregard. I have spoken up, I have kept my mouth shut, it seems like no matter what approach I use, it never ends.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford to move out on my own right now or anytime soon. I would greatly appreciate any one who has gone through this experience and what I should do because I didn’t think I would hate my life for this reason.

\*Would NOT get to go at all*

---

My kids are with their coparent this week.

Our 12 year old had the championship game of their school sport today. It's their first time ever doing a competitive sport, and their team worked hard to make it to the finals.

In the group chat for the team parents, I wondered if we should bring the kids out after to celebrate, win or lose. They all works hard, improved so much and deserved to be celebrated. The other parents agreed and decided on a location for the gathering.

A few minutes later I get a message on the wizard telling me if I attend the gathering, then coparent will not, which means kid won't be there either. I offer to bring kid and friend to the gathering then bring kid home to coparent. Denied. "No. I would like the chance to celebrate with [them]".

I hemmed and hawed for a bit, then backed down. I didn't want to risk my kid being denied their chance to celebrate because coparent decided their feelings are more important. I ensured kiddo was signed up, added all the practices and games to the calendar, joined the group chat, chatted with the coach, drove kiddo and friends to games, practices and hangouts to get extra practice. I cheered for them, I guided them, I consoled them. Do I also not deserve a chance to celebrate with them? I do, but my feelings are not important compared to the way my kid would feel if they didn't get to celebrate, so I set it all aside. But it still hurts.

I went to the game, held my kid when they lost, then drove home alone.

Coparent skips birthday parties, summer activities, school functions, and makes he kids miss them too, just because I will be there. What do I even do with that? Just because my kids aren't sleeping under my roof doesn't mean I'm not their parent, why does coparent decide that's the case. Not their parenting time? Not interested. Their parenting time but I am involved? Bummer kids, guess we can't go.

This is our first year navigating holidays with new partners and babies. What is everyone’s most efficient methods to keep the traditions going and the transitions smooth? And anything in particular to avoid?

I fucking hate this. This is making everything in my life 100x more difficult. I can't live where I want, can't move for better job opportunities, limited options going back to school, flip flopping child back and forth, daycare in a different city, child not going to my school district. I hate everything about this. I wish I never met my daughter's mother. I wish my daughter came out of someone else.

I put this as discussion because this kind of applies to a little bit of all of the flairs

Im 16 and I’m going to start to do something similar to split custody with my current legal guardian and 2 other people they call it “expanding my village”
(I think they just need help caring for me since one is a single mother with a kid and the other two are 2 adults no kids and they aren’t getting a cent from my bio parents because my bio parents are rude like that)

But What do I do with my stuff? I have a tv gaming pc and a ps4 (all gotten with my own money from working)
I’ll leave my tv at one place and the ps4 is easy to move around but I’m more worried about my pc

I don’t know the specifics of how long I’ll be at each place I think they want something like every 2 weeks or certain places on certain days

If it’s days then easy I’ll figure which one I’ll be at more and have it there if not that makes things more complicated

A lot of my friends and I play video games together online I can go a couple days without my pc but I also use it for schoolwork and it’s a hassle to move around I have an iPad from the school but it suck’s ass to use for a lot of my schoolwork and it’s much easier on my pc

I don’t want to be a burden and make them hassle all of my pc stuff every 2 weeks is mainly my issue

What would you do? Would you just go without it for 2 weeks or move it around often? Would you figure out a system to make it easy to move?

I’ll take any suggestions

Help. I agreed to driving 5 hours each way to join my son's dad's family for a beach trip this weekend. It already felt like a big emotional lift as its a long drive with a preschooler and I don't know his family well and don't feel comfortable around them, then I put together that my son's dad's new girlfriend will be there. I've never met her. They have ben long distance and I knew she was moving to our area soon, but did not know she would be in state during this trip let alone coming on the trip. I was not told any of the times we discussed who else was going on this trip. I would have been totally blindsided when my son and I got there if I hadn't started asking more questions. In all the texts and conversations my son's dad only referred to himself being there and things like he'd be getting a hotel for himself.

I'm upset about being blindsided, that I should have been told and if I'd had time to be emotionally prepared it might not be such a big deal.

I'm really not ready to spend a whole weekend with this person, I already feel like I'll be wearing a smiley facade most the weekend and it feels like making nice with her is just more emotional labor.

Is it reasonable to not go? I feel like I'm being unfair to the extended family, and I feel really obligated to go as I said I would be there but I don't think it is a good situation to put myself in. Any alternative ideas?

Hello All, I apologize if this is the wrong subreddit for this. I wanted to avoid the typical "AITA" type subreddits, but I need to know if I'm overreacting.

When my ex-wife and I separated, she did not want the house because of the maintence required. I had to pay a lot in the divorce, but I managed to keep it. My ex has been apartment bouncing basically since we got divorced. In her first apartment, my ex shared a bedroom with my daughter. She was close to turning 3 at the time, but she had her own bed and it seemed like a reasonable cost saving measure so I didn't think much of it. She moved to a 2 bedroom, then back to a 1 bedroom when our daughter was 5, she's 6 now and they're in the same apartment.

As I was putting my daughter to bed tonight, she asked why I don't have sleepovers. I said something I didn't think much about and she came back telling me her mommy does. I thought she was referring to when she wasn't there, but she said specifically that she has had a sleepover with "mommy's boyfriend". Now I'm freaking out, and I asked her what she means? She said something like "mommy's boyfriend [name] comes over and sleeps over, and when I wake up, they're having a sleepover."

I was a little shocked and somehow managed to say something like "well that's nice for them", read her a bedtime story and let her go to bed. Now I'm kind of freaking out thinking this is just not OK and beyond inappropriate. I'm really hoping this is my daughter saying things she doesn't understand (she's in speech and language therapy, so she says the wrong things sometimes), but I think this is incredibly messed up.

I'm having a difficult time finding some hard data on this and opinions from pediatric psychologists (most of the literature is around co-sleeping with parents), so is this a normal OK thing to do or is this incredibly messed up and the alarms are rightfully going off? I've asked a few people, but unfortunately, we all agree we're biased against her.

Hello, this is my first post and I'm looking for some advice. I apologize in advance if this is a long post but want to make sure all the details are available for everyone.

I am a single dad and my son is 8 and currently his mom and I have a relatively 50/50 schedule. We live about an hour away from each other so my son goes to school by her. I take him to school Monday mornings and pick him up from school Friday afternoons. His mom has him during the week. This schedule flips during the summer since I work from home and it's easy for me to keep him home with me during the week since his mom has an in person job.

This schedule has worked great for us and I am actually planning on moving closer to where my son goes to school later this year or earlier next year.

His mom and I have a solid co-parenting relationship, and haven't had any real issues with the schedule or eachother. We've had many conversations in the past about her moving out of state, but it never really had any traction, always seemed sort of a dream of hers more than something tangible. This was my thought up until this year when I found out she had started dating someone who lives in Florida. For context, we live in ohio. They've been dating for nearly a year now and it seems her want to go to Florida has been re-ignited and she is determined to go. This came up again when I was talking to her about me moving closer to where our son goes to school. For the record I have no issue with her moving, her boy friend seems to be a perfectly fine person and she's always wanted to move there so no arguments from me.

My issue comes from the fact that his mom wants our son to go to school in Florida and live with her and her boyfriend during the school year, and I'd have him during longer holiday breaks and the summer time. I don't think this is realistic for many reasons, mostly because idk what she would be doing for work and there are many times where I have to take my son extra days during the school year due to random days off and she is unavailable to keep him due to her needing to physically be at her job. She also gets help from her parents who live close by to his school as well on days she's not able to pick him up on time. There are also many other times she asks me to take him extra days throughout the year due to work or her traveling to visit her bf, which i have no issue with doing. My problem comes from the fact that idk how she'd be able to reliably be responsible for him during the whole school year when my work from home flexibility enables our current schedule as it is right now. Plus, our son has switched schools before and I would think it's better for him to stay in a school consistently and not have to move again to a new school.

Am I being unreasonable if I push to make sure that my son stays with me during the school year and visits his mom during the summers? I also think he deserves to have an opinion as well. The situation is very unfortunate and I'd be lying if part of my decision to want him to go to school with me isn't from a place of not wanting to see him for such a smaller amount of time as I spend a significant portion of time with him now. There's alot of different factors and Idk if I'm being selfish or what. He has a great relationship with his mom and myself. I also don't know if his mom can be relied upon as the only reason he's going to school so far from me in the first place is because his mom moved in with one of her exes a few years ago and they ended up breaking up after my son started school. I am nervous that if she moves out of state and takes him and she should break up with her current boyfriend it could add alot of stress to our sons life.

Any advice would be helpful and if more details are needed I'm more than happy to respond!

I’m curious how other dads have handled this.

Me and my son’s mom have been broken up for a while now. We have no court ordered arrangement/ agreement, and we split parenting time pretty evenly, I will add that I’m very active in my son’s life.

I found out recently, that her boyfriend is now living with her and our son. I knew she was dating somebody, but I didn’t know they had taken it that far.

It caught me off guard, and not because I want her back or anything, like I’m really good on that, but just the fact there’s another man living under the same roof as my son, and the timing of the whole disclosure.

I mention the timing because it came up in the midst of us having a disagreement regarding communication. She sometimes leaves our son with my family during her parenting time, and I’ll find out from them. Due to scheduling dynamics of everyone involved and completely unrelated, when I need extra care or somebody to watch him, there’s not really anyone available to accommodate, even from her side of the support.

I’ve asked that she gives me a heads up when he’s going to be staying somewhere else, but she feels like that’s me trying to control what she does on her time, or I guess I should say felt, as she’s agreed to it. I’m curious what are your thoughts about it?

I just feel like as his father being kept in the loop isn’t too much to ask. I wasn’t asking for permission over her decisions.

On the other hand, I genuinely hope he’s a good dude and treats both of them well. It’s just a new dynamic for all of us apparently.

So for the dads who’ve been through this, how did y’all handle it? Did you ever meet the new guy? Was his involvement with the kid discussed? If so how? I’ve already been called “emotionally vindictive”,, but I’m really just trying to proceed reasonably, and get some perspective on it.

Most my problems are financial and I went into debt trying to keep them happy. I’m already half way to clearing out my debt. Then I’m taking over a company. I will be in a way better position and will be coming for my time they stole from me and will be cutting them completely out my life. They can talk to my lawyer cuz I’m not even gonna be speaking to them once I get my shit on point. They problem is mental and will eventually crash and burn once they don’t have something to fixate on so don’t have to deal with their own issues. Just need them to hold on another 2 years. I’m not even gonna care when they do. Like they told me when I needed support. You have to take care of your own problems.

I’m not sure what context is needed so just let me know what questions I can answer.

My ex and I coparent and have split custody, taking the kids 3 and 4 days each week respectfully.

She has always been more comfortable living in a more cluttered and messy living space than me but as the years have progressed the condition of her abode has fallen further into disrepair.

When we first started living together, there were only a couple boxes that we never seemed to be able to get around to unpacking. Every time our lease was up and we moved the same boxes would follow us and be shoved up against some random wall forever waiting to be unpacked until it was time to move again.

As the years passed, the laundry started to be a problem. At first it was just that the clean laundry would collect on the couch, waiting to be folded or put away for days or a full week. Then more clean laundry started to be added to the pile.
Then the laundry pile got moved to our bed.
It got to the point where our laundry covered most of the bed permanently and spilled onto the floor of the bedroom and as a result only one of us had an edge of the bed to sleep on and the other slept out in the living room on the couch.

As more time passed and we had our kids we kept buying things online because it was so convenient, but we never really got rid of anything. Our house filled up with random stuff and every shelf, every table, every couch surface, and on the floor around the edge of every room was piled with stuff.

I couldn’t keep up with being the only one who cared and tried to tidy things up. My ex would say “It doesn’t have to look like a show room”, “It’s just your mom/my family/our friends, why do you care so much about how clean it is?”, “It’s messy/cluttered but it’s not dirty.” When I did try to tidy up I would be yelled at because afterwards my ex couldn’t find things or that I didn’t check with her before throwing things away.

We’ve divorced now and to clarify, I’m not OCD, I try to stay up on dishes but sometimes they sit in my sink for up to 3 or 4 days. I let the toilets and showers get a little gross before I clean them. I do laundry once a week and get around to sorting and putting it away at least by the time to do laundry again.

I looked up stuff on hoarders and apparently there are variations or levels to it, the lesser or first level is called cluttering, followed by collecting, then hoarding.
Her house doesn’t look like what I would consider a textbook example of hoarding, but the cluttering definitely fits.

The issue:
It’s not just stuff, it’s cleanliness being affected at this point too.

When I dropped our kids off to her at the end of my 3 days, she hadn’t done any cleaning. Usually the main living room floor area is at least tidied up a bit but there was crumbs everywhere and fruity pebbles like the kids were there all day.

I don’t really care if it’s like that when I go to pick the kids up, they are 2 and 4 years old, they make a mess and I figure she’ll clean it up on her off days when they’re with me.

But besides the floor being gross, I stepped into the kitchen and the stove, the sink, and the counters were all full of dirty dishes stacked at least 6in above counter level. Plus at least half of the kitchen floor was just stacks of clothes that I couldn’t tell if they were clean or dirty and I know her bedroom looks the same as before with laundry everywhere and the laundry is all over the living room couch too.

I reflected on it and texted her the next day and composed a text that I tried to make empathetic. I asked her what I could do to help her get caught up on cleaning. I offered some suggestions that maybe I could take the kids so she had time and space to work on it, or even offered to come over and do some of the cleaning after the kids went to sleep. I stressed that I was just bringing it up because I cared about the kids safety and wellbeing and that if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be bringing it up.

She’s been ignoring my texts and refusing to respond to them. I texted her again today, not getting a reply from her yesterday, asking her to please acknowledge it.

My issue is that I don’t want to go the CPS route. #1 we are at a fairly cordial place in our interactions and coparenting and that would agitate that.
#2 I don’t want her to have to deal with them. This isn’t a judgement on her ability to be a parent, because I think she is a very good parent on all other fronts. And I can imagine it’s like a gut punch to have your coparent call CPS on you.
#3 I don’t think it’s willful negligence, it’s a mental health thing.

However, I know they’ve had mice before and I’m worried they’re going to come back.

Has anyone had to deal with a coparent with similar issues that have you concerns too?

I’m in Idaho, not sure if it matters, but at what point would CPS feel a visit was necessary? Would they come in say “you have a week to clean it up” then come back to make sure changes had been made?

Any advice on how I press the issue without it seeming like an attack?

My child is suffering in school, and emotionally, because of the situation he is in.

His mother refuses to co-parent with me.

His education is failing because of his in-school behavior and I want to homeschool but she doesn’t want to hear it.

From what my son tells me he is mostly left with his grandparents, even overnight when he is supposed to be with me if she isn’t with him overnight.

She’s always going on trips, he is taking a backseat.

He is starting to have behavioral concerns.

I’m also being alienated.

At first when I didn’t face-time I was accused of not caring.

Now she refuses to even let me talk to him.

He’s basically living a sham of a life and I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t afford an attorney.

What do I do?

My ex and I have 3 kids together, they’re all 5 and under. He does not have any visitation, I have full legal and physical custody, and I have a DVPO that also includes our kids. It has been very contentious and currently all my co-parent has in terms of contact is 3x/week video calls for up to 15 minutes. Since the kids are so young, they are unable to sit and engage with conversation for 15 minutes continuously 3x/week.

My co-parent really hasn’t tried anything to get them to engage or keep them occupied. I’m very positive about the calls and try to ensure they’re occupied in one place drawing or whatever so it’s easier to talk.

The calls have been going on for about 6 months and the kids are less willing to engage and my co-parent gets angry if the kids aren’t sitting quietly and talking to him. Then if my oldest wants to end the call before the 15 minutes, my co-parent is also visibly angry and makes comments that sound to me like he thinks this is somehow contempt and he’ll have to address it with his attorney and it becomes very uncomfortable. Then my oldest is upset and asks repeatedly if daddy is angry.

How do you address this behavior? I don’t want our kids to be made responsible for his disappointment or frustration and I don’t want every call ending on a bad note. I know my co-parent won’t be receptive to any feedback I give him, and I’m constantly worried about him retaliating. To my understanding if I’m making the kids available and placing the calls, then I have met my obligation and there’s no requirement that they must continue for the full 15 minutes.

Open to any suggestions for how to deal with this, thanks in advance.

My husband separated from me in Feb this year and we share two young children this wasn’t my decision to separate, he has moved on emotionally and checked out a while ago so is further along in processing the end of our marriage, I need advice how to successfully co parent our very young children whilst trying to grieve the family unit, my marriage, my husband, I have to see him regularly and we still trigger each other and he has become increasingly more cruel and mean, I am not sure if it’s just the frustration of me not being where he is, the fact I still hold hope we could reconcile when he has repetitively said he doesn’t love me and will never reconcile.
I am doing all the inner work, seeing a therapist, listening to podcasts, journalling, exercising, seeing friends and trying to build a life, but I still feel stuck and it seems so slow that I still hold on, I will preface that we did get along for a little bit after the split and I thought we may reconcile he was acting more like my husband and us as a family then something annoyed him and he turned his back and now has become very mean and nasty.
It feels impossible to try and co parent whilst trying to heal and move on. We were together for 12 years married for three, and so it’s feels a huge part of my life that I need to try to separate from, also with our kids the consistent interactions just hurt.
Neither of us have family here, his are overseas and mine interstate so essentially doing it alone

Looking for advice or just some perspective from others dealing with high-conflict co-parents.
I have a court-ordered custody schedule in Ohio.

Recently, my ex started withholding our daughters from my scheduled time. Her initial excuse was a ridiculous claim about "danger" (which was completely false and based on a child mishearing a phone conversation), but when I called her out on it with facts, she completely pivoted.

Now she is explicitly admitting that she is withholding the kids because she's angry I introduced them to my new partner (who actually already knew our kids as friends beforehand) and because she doesn't agree with how I handled communication.

Instead of focusing on the kids, every text turns into a massive dump of our past relationship, an old misdemeanor domestic violence case from years ago that was already legally resolved, a four-month-old license suspension from a missed traffic ticket, and every mistake I ever made. She explicitly told me she views my court-ordered parenting time as mere "visitation rights" that she can control.

I’ve gotten sober, put in the work to change my life, and I am trying desperately to just follow the court order, keep things calm, and be a good dad to my girls. But she is determined to keep me in the doghouse forever and use my past to punish me.

For those who have dealt with this: How do you stop letting them drag you into the emotional mud? How do you protect your peace when your ex is committed to seeing you as the villain no matter what you do?

my ex and I have a 2 year old together and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with his son. he recently got a girlfriend and i’m unsure on the exact amount of time they have been together but if I were to guess I would say 4-5 months. he initially didn’t tell me about her but I had a feeling and eventually got him to come clean.

we have an unusual coparenting situation. we still live together and i am still a SAHM only bartending on weekends. he pays for all the bills and most of the children’s’ needs. I am too pregnant to go in for an interview and get a full time job and the bar I work at has no spare hours for me so im kind of stuck in this situation until I give birth.

anyway, about a month and a half ago he introduced his new girlfriend to my daughter and did not talk about it with me first. this HURT. I felt so blindsided and disrespected. I expressed my feelings and he apologized, just for him to continue lying and bringing our kid around this new woman anyway. fast forward to today, they spent the ENTIRE day together while I was at work. they went to an nfl game, then to dinner, then to an nba game. after I have said so many times i’m not comfortable with them being around each other yet I mean for ffs they’ve only been dating for MAX 5 months. and I have crashed out so many times that I am so drained.

how do I navigate this? how to I explain myself without seeming so emotional? I feel like i’m not being heard and it’s so frustrating.

This is going to be a long read so if you’re not interested in that, this is your warning. I have raised my grandson from birth. He is now five. His mother moved into my home after meeting my son online in 2019. It was sudden and unexpected. What was supposed to be a first date turn into her never leaving. After he got her to my condo, she informed him that she could not return home. She claimed abuse from her parents and that she had fled without telling anyone. My son was 19 and was getting ready to join the military, had $5000 saved in an account to start his life and he do it all in the first month on replacing her clothing and just essential needs and groceries and showering her with gifts and so on. I was caught off guard and honestly didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, I have been a caregiver my entire life and tend to take people in and try to fix them. I guess you might say. I am a nurse of 21 years and I grew up in an abusive home and I too fled my home when I was 18 only I had no one to take care of me or help me. I wanted to be that for her. The first two weeks, she never even introduced herself or spoke to me at all. She would run to the car when they would leave and just essentially ignore my existence. I talked to my son about it and he explained that she had a lot of similar issues to him and that’s part of what bonded them in the first place. He is a TBI survivor and has many mental health issues stemming from it. I let it go and actually empathized with her need for time before talking to me. Long story short I end up taking care of her for two years before my grandson was born. I was both shocked and scared we couldn’t make ends meet and concerned about basically taking on another child knowing there was no way they in their positions could do it. Soon after his birth she was diagnosed with severe postpartum and asked me if I would essentially raise him and she told me she was having thoughts of harming him when she was alone with him. I didn’t hesitate to step in. Then I was taken care of all of us. Literally drowning, but I was dedicated and knew my grandson needed me desperately. Six months after he was born, I suddenly inherited the care of my father with dementia too. So from 2021 until late 2024 I was the sole caregiver and provider for three adults and one child and then myself. Late 2024. She comes and tells me she wants to get her drivers license which I encouraged. I took her to some classes. I took her to do her test and she got it. Mind you prior to this she earned a whole bachelors degree on my gas money. I had driven her to every class. I took her to and from her job in the mall and was trying to help her set herself up to be a good mother to my grandson. I knew my son with his traumatic brain injury will have lifelong challenges, and I really wanted to ensure some stability for my grandchild. After she got her license, she immediately got an apartment. All of a sudden her and my son decide they’re going to take my grandson and make a life separate separately. I agreed to help in anyway I could and obviously had concerns about their ability and then my own selfish want to be with him since I had raised him from birth. It didn’t matter because a week later, my son shows up with all of his stuff and tells me that she wanted to “romantically explore“ and that she had kicked him out. After this, we found out countless very hurtful things that she had said about all of us and that she was living a secret double life the entire time. She already had another boyfriend that she moved into the apartment right away then she filed for emergency custody of my grandson. She won temporary and proceeded to not even pick him up for another four days. When she did, she kept him from us for almost a month. No contact it about killed me. We got an attorney and what ultimately happened was my son and her agreed on mediation bc they decided to try to reunite. That ended in a 50-50 agreement where she had him 3 1/2 days and we had him 3 1/2 days. When he returned from being away from us for a long period he came back a totally different child. It was like he had matured 10 years in that time. He began having behaviors, kicking, biting, screaming at us, cursing us refusing to get in the car to go to preschool, and every time she would pick him up for visitation was a complete in total nightmare. He would vomit, wet himself, scream until he turned blue in the face, reaching for me crying for me. It was so heartbreaking. Eventually, she asked my son to move in with her again. He did and supposedly they were making things work. An exact repeat of what happened the year prior happened again. She had him cosine Elise than a week later she kicked him out only this time she made him bring my grandson. She went weeks and weeks without seeing him at all, was out partying and did not seem to care. I began working with him, got him a therapy appointment that she ended up canceling, I was doing everything I could to try to help him because he was having all the signs of attachment disorder. That brings us to where we are. She enrolled him in kindergarten in a district all the way across town away from where I live so we have been having to get up and drive him all the way over in the morning and pick him up from the bus and bring him home she is not involved at all unless she gets angry over something. Then she pulls her power move and forces him to stay at her apartment and go to school from there until she’s over her mad spell then she dumps him back and disappears again. We are living our lives in fear of taking steps we feel are needed for my grandson‘s mental and physical health because she is in a position of power if the mediation is broken, it falls back to full custody. Even though she does not want to take care of him long-term, and has admitted that it’s the instability, back-and-forth, lack of consistency, and damage is doing to him every time she takes him out of anger. He has told me he hates his life, that he wants to die, that mommy hates him, and recently we have been having a horrific time getting him to go to school because he does not want to get off the bus at her apartment in fear. She’s going to make him stay there all night because that’s happened so many times and he said he just wants to come home. He calls me, Mom and her by her first name the dynamic is so dysfunctional. I love him so much. My heart is breaking. We are currently in a phase of her withholding because he missed school last week with increased behaviors, tics,aggression, and she wants to take him and force him to go and she is angry that I called and had a therapy appointment made to address the issues. I have been the one to drop him at school every day sign him out every day and the school is aware of the living arrangement only because I told them when the secretary asked me the last morning I dropped him off. I have expressed a desire to get him counseling in therapy before forcing him into kindergarten and that is where we butt heads because she wants to omit therapy and just push the issue, but in my heart, I know he is not ready. I see all of the signs. I am the one in the trenches with him when he wakes up with night tears, I am the one cleaning the wet sheets from his bed wedding regression, I am the one he cries to when he’s afraid that mommy is going to take him to her apartment, he looks to me for things A child looks to a mother. I have zero rights. His child is five years old and begging me to call the police or talk to a judge and make me his “real mom”as he says so he never has to stay away from home. I have expressed concerns to his dr and to his school and gotten little feedback other than the therapy appt upcoming but they said it will teach us how to handle the behaviors and said nothing about getting to the root problem. I fear my grandson is heading down a path that is going to lead him through a lot of pain through his life. I’m desperate to help him remain in a stable environment, have a routine he can expect the same every night and not be jerked around and coerced and threatened and fearful of his bio Mom. Believe it or not this is only a very small portion of the entire picture. This woman has filed protective orders against me, told her family that she paid the bills and did everything here and then I did nothing which was truly insulting after all of my life I have dedicated to helping her even to the point of losing my job as a nurse.I am in the middle of the most heartbreaking situation I have no idea what to do. Please someone help me just gonna

I was talking to my sons therapist who recommended a ritual Everytime a transition to a home is happening (weekly for them).

It could be ice cream together at pick up and some sort of goodbye ritual near the end. Maybe something you say to them.

Do you have a ritual you do that you feel helps with transitioning between homes?

I need advice on what others have for their placement schedules. I left my abusive ex this year with my two children 4 and 5. We currently have 50/50 custody and placement with a 2-2-3 schedule that I hate. I would like the days (during the week) to be uniform so that I can have a work schedule that is earlier on days that I have the children and later on days that I do not. This isn't possible when I have the kids Monday Tuesday one week and Wednesday Thursday the next. I also hate that weekends are so long. On his weekends, I drop off my kids at daycare Friday morning and don't see them again until I pick them up Monday evening. If we did consistent days during the week and alternate weekends, we would essentially have a 2-2-5-5 schedule which I do not want. I feel the 3 days are too long as it is. My kids come back extremely dysregulated, throwing things, and punching each other.

What have others done for placement schedule that has worked well?

No alcohol clause. Father has a history of heavy drinking. He is drinking when exercising custody.