I am in my early thirties. I am at this point in a middle-management adjacent position, though in this particular role I am in at the moment its really more about delivery and being an SME.

I know that people think I am too direct. At the same time, I frequently feel like my 'directness' is only a problem because I am woman and if I had the same qualities and was a man, it would never be construed as being an issue.

Further, I have often had comments about my personality made in ways that are just objectively inappropriate. I've had performance reviews where the comments have been "your work is fantastic (this is where the review should end) but I don't feel close enough to you" or "I don't think you smile enough" or "you aren't super friendly to me" or "I want to fly up to your city and get a beer and really work on our dynamic."

Because of my sense of justice and just general thing of not entertaining misogyny, I have stopped really caring very much about how my directness comes across. In my mind, I am here to get something delivered, I say what I think, I hope it is useful and I go home. I really don't enjoy having to wrap expertise driven advice in small talk or having to say "omg girl I am struggling so bad with getting these docs I need...I'd love if a comms email went out from you because you're so good at it" rather than "hey for our deliverable I need comms to go out and that's your role so can you do x?"

I don't think I am entirely faultless. I do think sometimes I can come across as combative or just plain unfriendly (the latter is somewhat intentional, I try to seperate my sense of self from work and find the best way to do that has actually just been to be completely disengaged socially). But I feel worn down by the constant knowledge and communication that my inherent personality and how I engage with work is 'wrong'. I have never had any HR complaints against me, the staff I manage have always liked me in any role I take. If my directness isn't an HR issue and doesn't translate into bullying or discrimination, I don't necessarily see the issue.

And I feel exhausted by the implied and sometimes explicitly stated expectation that I, as I am, am not pleasant enough, good enough, and need to change my affect when the men in roles above me are just as direct but also frequently sexist, rude, or make inappropriate workplace comments. I also have a mother who is just as autistic as I am and has been the at the top of multiple organisations - her directness is her super power and its always been her value add, but wherever I work its just never perceived that way.

To be fair, I don't think corporate is overall for me. I have skills and abilities (partially due to my ND-ness) that are very valuable. I can work very quickly and deliver high quality results that many other people simply don't. But the politics and social expectations really baffle me and make me feel constantly undervalued. I have been thinking about trying to re-skill into something where being competent and direct is overall more important than whether you say the right thing at the right time, but I am not sure if such a thing really exists.

The older I get (I’m old) the more of a “loner” I have become. I have everything I need… I have money, medical insurance, pets, a house, car, job, and I enjoy my solitude.

Now I wouldn’t mind going out with a friend or someone every few weeks but don’t really need that either. There is very few times where I thought ‘I wish someone was here with me’…

Additionally, I find doing too much or being around people as overwhelming. When I tell people I’m great alone or just want to be alone I get the guilt tripping and pressure “I just want to hang out”, “everyone needs someone”, “you can’t be happy just being alone at home”, “don’t you want to find someone to share life with”, “stay longer”… and when I answer they try to push me into how I’m wrong… like what?? my answer is my answer. Having to explain myself to people that don’t understand just makes me want to not even leave the house, saves energy.

Am I “alone”? Pun intended.

On thing we struggle with is friendships. Sometimes, because people are "Out of Sight" they aren't forefront in our minds.

During my diagnosis the counselor asked me "who are your friends?" I literally struggled to remember these ladies I have know for over a decade. There's only 5 of them and I completely forgot one of them until I checked my phone later.

One thing you can do for your friend relationships: dedicate some time to sit down and "schedule later" messages to everyone you want to keep in touch with. A simple "how are you?" is fine, and schedule it randomly every week or so. This will keep your friendships alive. Worth the time it takes to do it.

How to Schedule Texts on Android (Google Messages)

1. Open the Google Messages app.
2. Type your message and select the recipient.
3. Touch and hold the Send button (or tap the (+) icon on some builds).
4. Choose a preset time or pick a custom date and time.
5. Tap Save (or Send) to lock in the schedule. 

How to Schedule Texts on Samsung Phones (Samsung Messages)

1. Open the Samsung Messages app.
2. Type your message and add the recipient.
3. Tap the (+) icon (or the > icon to reveal options) next to the text box.
4. Select Schedule message.
5. Pick your preferred date and time, then tap Done or Send. (On newer Samsung devices using Google Messages as default, you can also press and hold the send button).

iPhone How to Schedule a Message

1. Open the Messages app on your iPhone.
2. Go to an existing iMessage conversation or start a new one.
3. Tap the + (plus) button next to the text input field.
4. Select Send Later from the menu.
5. Tap the time or date prompt to open the scheduler and pick your preferred delivery time (up to 14 days in advance).
6. Type your message and tap the send arrow.

My son is almost 6 and he was diagnosed with ASD this past summer. Since starting school last year thins have been very challenging. We ultimately have needed him to take the special education bus for him to be able to get there.

But honestly, it is so hard to not feel devasted seeing him struggle with this. I have noticed his confidence go down and how cautious he is around other kids despite normally being a sometimes overly assertive kid at home. It is hard realizing that it is possible that school will never end up being a secure place for him, as the world really is not set up for us. I am terrified of him experiencing the same challenges I did as he gets older.

It is just heartbreaking to me to see him struggle and not be able to protect him from everything. Supports are so hard to come by as he has low support needs and availability is scarce. I just want to ensure I can offer the best support possible but oftentimes I feel at a complete loss lately.

Hi yall, i just got Dx this morning with -Autism Spectrum Disorder
Without intellectual/developmental delay or significant language impairment, requiring support at level 1-

I’ve suspected that I’ve been on the spectrum for at least the last six years. Now that I know for sure, I’m not really sure how to feel about it. Nor how I’m supposed to navigate this.

I mostly went and got my diagnosis because I was having problems at work because my demeanor can come across as rude or tired. According to what supervisor told me privately.

I’m not sure how I should bring this up with HR. I’m not sure how to bring this up with my mom who tends to deny that there is anything different about myself. And right now my biggest fear is skill regression, which I’ve noticed has already started in terms of me not being able to mask as well in professional settings.

I suppose I’m just asking what helped you when you got your diagnosis and how did you navigate that?

Tldr: mid-30s girly experiencing the worst burn out of my life. Struggling with masking and worried about losing friends or my hard earned career.

I spent a long time struggling, in and out of therapy, before I saw a specialist and got diagnosed at 30 with ADHD and CPTSD. My therapist speculates autism spectrum based on my dsm-5 results but she cannot officially diagnose an adult(it's tricky). So I'm on a journey of a thousand "a-ha" moments with my life struggles, making so much more sense.

I experience the October slide every year around this time. This year is particularly bad, I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm either overthinking, which is causing anxiety, meltdowns, and preventing me from sleeping. Or I'm not processing or reading the room like I normally would, which means I'm not masking, and it is causing friction at work, with my friends, and my relationships. I don't want to lose any of them, because its the first time in my life I have a village, and I'm terrified I'm on the verge of it.

I've been with the same company for 10+ years. I started entry-level and climbed to a leadership role. This is the best company I've ever worked for, and the only place my AuDHD has actually been an asset. I was always praised for thinking outside the box, challenging the status-quo, and problem solving. I'm given projects with high impact and urgency because they know I'll hyper focus on it, and it will get done right/well. I get to work from home as an accommodation because they recognized how much more efficient and personal I was without the over stimulation.

But lately, I've been so burned out socially and with home renos and projects. Plus, I am now in a leadership role where I'm responsible for other people, not just putting my head down and working on my own projects.

My manager has deleted a couple of my responses to our team ice breaker questions because they were too honest or not aligned with our workplace "culture." I'm failing to give "appropriate" answers and letting too much of my personality show. I'm using the wrong words when explaining things, which is seen as negative phrasing (big no no, they want everything to be positively framed).

I'm also being to honest with my feelings when talking to friends or my partner. I'm big on radical honesty because... PLEASE tell me what I said or did wrong so I can adjust my behavior. I'm an external processor and need to talk through things verbally. Even if someone just listens and nods along, I generally come to conclusions on my own. However, I'm being told that I'm sharing too much and that other people don't want that much honesty and transparency.

I'm burned out, other than regressing backward, doing the bare minimum, and keeping to myself... I'm not really sure how to bounce back.

Hello everyone!

I have a case to submit to the council for review. If you have the time, any advice, anecdotes, and opinions are greatly appreciated.

The details:

Who:
• A friend from grad school who is 2 years older than me (23F). We frequently hang out, eat dinner together, and go grocery shopping together.

* For clarity purposes, let’s call her “Friend A”

Where:
• Before a class that me and A share. There are 10 people in the class and we are all in the same cohort

The Interaction:
• I was speaking to friend B about my cat and her recent respiratory infection(she’s ok now!)

• Friend B was very concerned about her health, so I jokingly said:

“Don’t worry! She was a stray cat for 4 years, she’s not that easy to kill!”

• Friend A (who was sitting in front of me) whips around to give me the most judgmental look I have ever seen. She just looks at me, kind of scoffs(?), and goes:

“What????”

• So, I respond: “I was just saying, she’s not going to die that easily.”

• Friend A turns back around without further comment, but glances at my other classmate sitting next to her

• When class ends, Friend A asks me to walk home together (she lives across the street from me) like normal

Things to note:
• This type of interaction has happened before with various different things I have said

• She is never a part of the conversation when she does this

• This only happens when we are around other classmates

• Something about her reaction makes my anger flare, but I can’t place why

Did I actually say something weird? Was my joke morbid? Or is she being deliberately unkind?

Thank you so much for your time and consideration!

Edit: After reading the comments, I have realized that I have absolutely no gage on whether a joke is morbid or not. That is something that I’ll have to work on. Thank you everyone!!!!

Hi, can anybody share their experience/practical wisdom? I often have to deal with a person within a household who almost always takes advantage of me in conversations. They will come, stare and wait for me to talk. I get super awkward and can't take the silence (because I don't understand what's going on and what's expected of me), so I start fooling around or making things up to talk about to entertain the person. The person gets happy, laughs, has fun and leaves the room thinking what a good girl I am, satisfied with the chitchat done out of duty. But as this is a long-term pattern, I feel increasingly frustrated and exhausted maintaining this game. Anybody had similar experience? I don't want to disturb this person, so I need a way to put an end to this without hurting their feelings

I'm burned right out. I need rest and quiet, but I can't afford to take time off work, and I can't afford to live on my own.

I grew up in an abusive home where I was parentified and emotionally neglected. I studied psychology in college because I saw my family’s unhealthy patterns and thought I could be better.

I got married to a man who used distancing, passive aggression, and withholding as a form of control. I thought that since I studied psychology, I could help him learn to communicate better, and we could overcome any problem and be better than my parents. But it didn’t work at all. The more I tried to discuss and address problems, the more he used DARVO. Eventually he had a longterm emotional affair, and we got divorced.

I am only now realizing that there was no amount of good communication skills that could help someone like that, which also makes me realize there was nothing I could have done to help my family either.

I studied psychology because I thought I could help people learn not to hurt me. But that’s not my responsibility, it’s theirs.

Now I am questioning my whole belief system. I used to be a much more understanding and empathetic person. Now I distrust people and keep a distance from them. I thought that everyone just needed therapy and that would solve all the world’s problems. But now I take people at face value and assume they will never really change. I no longer feel I can help people. I feel I want people to leave me alone.

There are these two guys I have been friends with for over a decade. As time has gone on, I’ve started to feel like I put more effort into planning hanging out with them. Last time I suggested a plan to hang out, and I suggested a certain day, but they never replied. It’s weird because we have a group chat and they reply there quickly and are always friendly, but then suddenly there is a lack of response with this.

So I let it go and then a few months later I tried again. I mentioned a specific restaurant and they said it sounded great. Then I mentioned a specific weekend and got no reply, and the chat shifted to other topics. I decided from that point on to not initiate any invites again.

Recently I have a new policy that I don’t make more effort to maintain friendships than is reciprocated back to me. And I do not confront or explain that I am hurt because this is also emotional labor, and I want to shift my energy away rather than putting in more.

The weird thing is that one of the two guys texted a couple weeks later asking if we were free to hang out around the end of the month, which is exactly the time I had suggested. Rather than reminding him that I had already suggested a specific date and place, I decided to be low effort and said “Sounds good.” Of course, that plan never solidified into anything after that.

I just wanted to share that I am so frustrated with this lack of effort.

I have a friend from work. Two years ago on her birthday, I got her a book that I knew she wanted because she had mentioned it before. But she got me nothing for my birthday the next year. So I realized maybe she was not really wanting to be friends with me to the level I did, so I didn’t get her anything for her next birthday.

Then this year I invited her to my birthday lunch because I felt like we had become friendlier over time, and this time she got me a very thoughtful book gift that I really liked. So I got her a gift this year, another book I thought she would like based on other things she had mentioned reading.

But I just saw on Instagram that she had a birthday dinner with three friends, and I wasn’t invited. These are all our coworkers that she is very close with. It’s a group that always hangs out together. These people are all nice 1-1, but when they get together, it feels like you are intruding on their secret club. I am good friends with one of them and am acquaintances with the other two. I wouldn’t normally expect to be invited to their get togethers, but isn’t it rude not to invite someone to your birthday when you invited them to yours?

I guess I won’t be inviting her to my birthday in the future.

I’m 25 and think my autism has gotten more pronounced the past couple years. Finding myself increasingly bothered by sounds, textures, and lights. I’ve been having more frequent meltdowns (sometimes in public now unfortunately), and gradually losing my ability to mask.

As a kid, other than my extreme shyness and a handful of odd behaviours, I was pretty normal. My family would bring me travelling really often, and I took it well. I was just very quiet and socially a bit offbeat. I first wondered if I was autistic in my teens, but dismissed the possibility as my symptoms were very light. I got officially diagnosed at 21 but continued to doubt the diagnosis because I didn’t have the stereotypical autism presentation. At this time autism, especially autism in women, was starting to become a hot topic on social media, with lots of talk about masking, which I found plausible but I also felt made the autism diagnosis unfalsifiable. I didn’t know how much to believe the more relaxed criteria for the “new” autism in the DSM-5.

That changed this year. I don’t doubt my diagnosis any more. Meltdowns used to happen about once a year, now they‘re once every two months on average. I've become more sensitive to stimuli. I’ve become more blunt with people and developed a RBF, whereas younger me smiled a lot. In some ways I’ve regressed in age and started loving stuffed toys again. I’ve become more avoidant with people and have always been a homebody but now I need longer to recover after going out or doing something new. It’s very possible it’s all caused by stress. The last one year I’ve had to travel a lot, which I hate. My nervous system was thrown into utter disarray each time, and I think after each trip my body was noticeably weaker, less resilient. Maybe I ran out of energy to mask and so the autism symptoms began slipping through.

Another thing to consider is my menstrual cycle. My mood swings and physical symptoms have gotten more severe. A lot of women have said their autism and period are deeply intertwined and I agree: I become noticeable more autistic during my luteal and menstrual phases. Also some women (not necessarily autistic) said their period and PMS symptoms got worse in their mid twenties, sort of a second puberty. So maybe it’s the female hormonal changes causing changes in autistic behaviour. I’m not sure.

I hope this post was legible. I’m on my bed recovering after a brutal 4-day trip where I was barely holding it together the whole time. Boy it was bad for me, I felt super agoraphobic and tired and even broke down crying in a restaurant… 😬

TL;DR: I’m 17F in my final year of school in Scotland. I’ve been struggling badly with my disabilities, health and attendance, and now I’ve fallen out with several friends. I feel like people I trusted have turned against me, school staff have made me feel even worse, and I’m genuinely scared to return to school. I want to go to university and finish my education, but I feel like everything is falling apart at once.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I genuinely need outside perspectives because I don't know if I'm seeing this situation clearly anymore.

For some context, I'm 17F and in my final year of secondary school (S6 in Scotland). I have autism, severe dyscalculia and dyspraxia, among other difficulties, and I've been dealing with significant health problems as well. I've been absent from school for weeks, almost over a month because I've been extremely unwell and struggling to cope.

Education has always mattered enormously to me. I want to go to university, ideally to study History, Ancient History or something similar. I've always had big ambitions for myself, but lately I've been struggling to see how I'm going to achieve any of them.

Things started getting worse after an argument with one of my friends, who I'll call S.

We were discussing my thoughts about leaving school and potentially going to college or working instead, because I was struggling so much with attendance and school. She repeatedly challenged my plans and made comments that I felt were dismissive of my circumstances.

I eventually got defensive and made some insensitive comments about money and how you dont need a whole education to get money. Looking back, I recognise that what I said was hurtful, and I apologised for it. I'm not pretending I handled the argument perfectly, because I didn't.

However, since then, I've felt like the situation has gone far beyond one argument.

S has made sarcastic comments and posted vague things that I interpreted as being directed at me. There have also been comments relating to my plans to leave school. I feel as though I'm being judged for struggling and considering alternatives, rather than being treated like someone who's genuinely having a difficult time.

I know I might be interpreting some things through the lens of being upset, so I'm trying not to assume every vague post is about me. But the overall situation has made me incredibly anxious about returning to school.

There's also a wider history involving two other people, who I'll call G and M. G told the school police officer that i was a risk to myself which caused a whole scene, which she admitted to doing only to get me in trouble. M used to be my best friend. One of the things that hurt me was how she handled the situation involving G. M defended G and pressured me to forgive her. That was particularly upsetting because I expected M to at least listen to my perspective, even if she didn't completely agree with me.

There was also a separate situation involving an eyebrow piercing. M had encouraged me to get one, but later accused me of copying her. That left me feeling as though I couldn't win either way.

I should also acknowledge that I've said hurtful things myself, including criticising M's makeup during the conflict. I know that wasn't kind, and I'm not claiming I've been an entirely innocent party in every disagreement.

However, these incidents have contributed to me feeling like the friendships I thought I could rely on aren't what I believed they were.

Another friend, D, told me that M, T and G had encouraged S to provoke me. hearing that made me question whether some of the things happening were genuine disagreements or whether other people were getting involved and making everything worse.

At this point, I don't know who I can trust.

One of my friends, R, has been a bright spot in all of this.

She has acknowledged that S can get on my case and that the situation has been painful for me. She's told me that she values me as a friend, is willing to listen and is open to talking about what's happening. That means a lot to me because I genuinely don't want to force anyone to pick sides or put them in an uncomfortable position. I'm also worried about the possibility of creating further conflict if R speaks to S about how she's treating me. I don't want the situation to turn into another argument or have R face consequences because of me. At the same time, it's difficult not to feel hurt when people seem to know I'm struggling but the situation continues anyway.

Now onto school... This is the part that's making the whole situation feel almost impossible to deal with.I've been absent for weeks, partly because of how unwell I've been and partly because the thought of returning has become increasingly overwhelming.

Recently, I spoke to members of staff, including Miss Red and my pastoral care teacher, Miss Kraken, about my situation and the support I need. I came away feeling completely humiliated and hopeless. I was shouted at and ridiculed, and I was told that I wouldn't achieve the grades or attendance I needed for uni. I was also told, as I understood it, that accommodations weren't available because every student has to be treated the same and learn the same material. I felt that I was essentially being told to be resilient and get on with it, despite the difficulties I've been explaining. Miss Red also said that I'm not expressing any emotions while looking/talking to her because my face was completely blank (keep in mind I had just had a horrible mind numbing meltdown which involved me just crying in front of my teachers and not exactly listening, just panicing and telling them my worries over and over again), I reminded mis red that im autistic and i dont show my emotions and she scoffed and got in my face and said "well you look annoyed, i can see it, I can tell." I left after the meeting feeling hopeless and extremely upset. My gran was there and they questioned her about elder abuse because of the way i was crying "for attention" and they offered her and me to go to an autism support group, which we dont want, we just want to do these last 8 months of senior year and then leave. They also pressured me to get a councellor, which I dont want because it takes up hours of my important subjects time that I could be in class, plus, again, I just wanna do my work and get on with the year. I was meant to be taken out of my current maths class and put into a seperate room to work alone, but they screamed at me for bringing it up, and when i gave them the evidence that I've been in that maths class with the same teacher for 3 years and I've failed for 3 years, but when he left for a holiday for 4 months and i had another math teacher, I was suddenly the top of my class and finishing work before everyone else and passing everything .

I understand that attendance and school results matter, and I'm not expecting the school to magically fix everything for me. I know I have missed a lot of work, but I don't understand how I'm supposed to improve my attendance and grades if the support I need to access education isn't being taken seriously. The whole experience has made me even more frightened of going back.

The social side of school is making returning difficult. I'm worried about being in classes with S and the others, about comments being made, about being isolated, and about having to act completely fine around people when I'm really not. I've considered changing where I sit in class. Part of me wants to sit somewhere else and avoid the people involved, but I'm scared I'll end up sitting alone because I don't know who else I can comfortably sit with in some of my classes. Another part of me thinks I should just sit beside everyone, act confident and unbothered, and refuse to let them affect me. Or just sit and wait for everything to blow over. But I don't know whether that's actually a good idea or whether I'm just trying to convince myself that I can handle something I'm genuinely struggling with.I'm also worried about prom and all the things you're supposedly meant to enjoy during your final year. I don't want my last year of school to be remembered entirely for friendship drama, anxiety and feeling like I don't belong. i only have around eight months left until graduation, and the thought of spending that time like this is devastating.

I still want to go to university, and I don't want to give up on that dream because I've had a terrible few months. I've always wanted to do something meaningful with my life. I want to study something I'm passionate about, become independent and actually feel proud of myself. Recently, G has also questioned my university ambitions and suggested that my difficulties with attention would prevent me from getting in. Hearing things like that when I'm already struggling has made me question myself more than I'd like to admit. I know I have potential, but I don't know how to access it when I can barely manage my current circumstances.

I'm trying to catch up with schoolwork, communicate with teachers about what I've missed, and work out how to move forward academically. I'm still trying to engage with school despite everything that's happened. But I feel exhausted. I have so little energy to give at the moment, and every additional problem seems to take away what little I have left. I don't want to abandon my education, but I also don't know how much longer I can keep trying to push through everything without meaningful support.

I don't want to spend the rest of my final year miserable, but I also don't want to keep putting myself in situations that are making me feel worse.

I want to finish school, get into university, make new friends and move on with my life. I just don't know how to get from where I am now to that point.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I genuinely need some outside perspective.

It’s hard to put it into words. I am in my early thirties. I have been living in a townhouse that my mom has been paying for most of the year. My Mom and I have not gotten along. She has been using manipulation to try to get me to do what she wants. She has been verbally abusive to me. It got so bad that my boyfriend refuses to talk to her anymore.

But then, my Mom came for a week long visit at the beginning of October so we could take on some paperwork. Since then she has been hanging out to get a break from being with her mom.

So far, things have gone really well. I should be happy. But I’m not. I’ve grown up with this woman. I know that her anger can switch on like a light. I grew up being afraid of it. It has improved over the years, but I still know that my Mom is not completely on my side. My Mom is acting like we’re besties, but there’s so much I’m keeping from her since I know I can’t trust her.

I feel like I’ve learned not to trust most people in my family. I want to because autism wants me to trust everyone. But I know they’ll eventually turn on me because I’m not conforming or doing something they don’t like. I feel like I can’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Does any other autistic or AuDHD person know what I mean?

I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they wouldn’t really communicate, thinking they must be socially anxious like I am. Recently I’m realizing that most of these people are just not interested in me.

It’s weird because in discussions about social anxiety, people say things like “everyone is too focused on themselves to care, everyone has a level of social anxiety”. However I’ve realized many people in the real world don’t have that hindrance. I see them change into different people when they talk to someone else. They’re just not interested in me for whatever reason, such as me being boring, off-putting, quiet, weird, or underdeveloped. Even when I think I’ve managed to not come across as shy and weird, there’s something about me that makes me seem fake. A lot of times it’s my lack of life achievements and milestones that puts normal, well rounded people off, but even when I was younger and it was more acceptable to not have achieved much, people generally treated me like this.

Maybe I’m overthinking, but if anything I feel like I’ve been underthinking all along. Social anxiety wasn’t just in my head, it manifested into my whole persona.

It feels very painful for me and my husband to live in a world where people who bullied us are more financially successful than we are. My husband and I are both autistic living on disability benefits. I hate it when people ask us what we do for a living because I know that deep down most people look down on those who live on disability benefits.

hey guys!
i was wondering if i could get some insight of some of your coping strategies for public transport, especially in big cities. i get really badly overwhelmed and disregulated on the subway and have not found anything that really helps. i already use noise cancelling earplugs, but they don’t help with visual overwhelm like bright fluorescent lights and, what is a major point for me: all the people in the subway. no matter where i look, i feel like i am always locking eyes with someone and it’s too much. i mostly look at my phone and it kind of helps since it distracts me from what is going on around me, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy longterm coping strategy, plus i don’t want to stare into a screen all day. i dread going on public transport every day, but moving or leaving the city is not an option for me and going by bike is just as overwhelming for me lmao.
what do you guys do? any help is appreciated, sending lots of love & support to all of you <3 💌

If I write a summary on the computer I have no problem as I’m able start writing and then edit until I get it to flow and sequence right..

But just speaking it out loud and organizing my thoughts well enough to provide a summary is hard. It seems like everyone does this so easily but I cannot. Like, what’s wrong with my brain? I speak fine otherwise.

Hey.
So, for context, I am a 24 year old woman.

I live alone in an apartment that I rent. I work in tech support full time. I study at university. I feel like an absolute failure in life and I have no idea how can I hold it together anymore. Frankly, I have no idea how to NOT hold it together and still be a person.

Work is full of constant stress and stimuli. Even getting to the workplace is a horrendous and grueling task. My morning routine is rush and stress. Then, the bus decides whether it wants to arrive on schedule or if I should replan my entire route to the office in split-second decisions so I can get there in time. I get on a bus, it's crowded. I can't sit down, traffic jams happen, I stand in one place for half an hour. By the time I arrive at work I am so drained I wish I was home so I could never leave it for a week.

I don't have a license because ever since I got 18 I started university and then I started working full time while going to university. I physically can't make time to get a license.

Then, work. Ringing phones, angry clients because they demand our system to work in a way that it can't, and then I'm the bad guy in the eyes of my bosses because I did not offer the client that I'll "look into it in depth". I did not, because I am a hundred percent sure that our system CAN NOT do that. I am not brushing them off, I am just not giving them false hope in return of my time to work on actually manageable client requests and questions. Why would I play pretend and act like there is a way to solve it when I know that there is NOT. By the time I get home I feel like I'm a shell of a person.

Two-thirds of my income is consumed by rent. I want to get a raise and I work my arse off to get more and more happy and satisfied clients but then the raise is declined because the people who work on actually getting new clients did not find enough new clients. What the hell can I even do with that? My job is helping and informing our existing clients. My job physically can not get new clients. Why is my salary tied to THEIR work, not mine?

Then, I am expected to maintain my apartment. Cook for myself. Clean, wash stuff and just have my home as presentable as it can be because otherwise I am judged. If anything else, I am judging myself HEAVILY whenever I am unable to maintain my home.

I should be able to get new stuff that would make my household chores be done faster. But with what money?XD

And don't even let me get started with university. I started when I was 18. I studied that field in my free time ever since i was a preschooler. I was curious, creative and I wanted to know more about it.
Then college came. The curicculum is filled by subjects that we would not even need, but they just put it in. I feel like I am wasting my own time when I try to learn something that I truly don't care about, so I could not learn it. The original course was 3 years long. I could not do it. Then the years passed... 4 ... 5... 6... now I am marking my SEVENTH year in college, more than double of how many years I should have finished. It makes me feel like a fraud. I feel like I am not cut for working in the field I'd been VERY passionate about as a teenager. If I was, I would have been able to finish it in 4, if not the intended 3 years.
I used to be so passionate and creative about this subject and now whenever I try to do ANYTHING that's related to it my mind is overflown with doubt and anxiety and I just get a panic attack. My significant other can't help me with it because I am trying to escape the internal shame that I feel about it so hard that I get extremely defensive over this.

The only reason I want to do it now is to finally finish it and don't let all those years go to waste, but as of now I am not planning to work in the field, ever. Especially how it's a field that's heavily affected by AI usage and the expectation by employers to actually USE it.

But here's the thing. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. I don't have a dream career, I don't have a dream job, frankly, I don't want anything from life just to have enough money to retire and live my life in peace, doing my silly hobbies and meet with those few people that I love. I have a ton of hobbies but none of them are something I want to make a career out of.

I am just so lost and I don't know how am I going to hold on any longer... I have no idea how NOT to hold on. I always manage but I come out more and more damaged by it.

I want to share something that I’ve been struggling with a lot to see if anyone else relates. I’m considered a high functioning autistic person, that to say that when you meet me it’s not immediately evident that I’m autistic, and when I share that fact with people they tend to look incredulous or confused. So when the time comes that they see evidence of my disability through my struggling it’s often not viewed through the lens of autism, it’s viewed through the lens of laziness, lack of discipline or accountability, a lack of willpower and learned helplessness.

One thing that I struggle with is trying to determine whether or not my limitations are genuine. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if they aren’t truly genuine by some metric, my experience of them are genuine. I tend to interrogate myself so much about my limitations because even though I know that they feel like genuine limitations and practice has shown me reason to feel that way, that there’s the possibility that it feels completely genuine and legitimate, yet my experience of that isn’t fully encompassing the reality of how hard of a boundary that limitation truly is. Which is why “just try harder,” stings because like… YEAH. I’m sure that I could absolutely do these things if I tried harder, but it hurts to do that. And I’m questioning myself in how much of my unwillingness to hurt myself in that way is reasonable and how much of it is a lack of accountability and self discipline to continue on even when the going gets tough.

I do often view myself through a lens that is actually ableist as well, despite the fact that I would never do that to someone else. I often tell myself that no matter the reason for a limitation that if I’m physically capable of doing something that I have no valid reason for not being able to do it. I often hear the criticizing voice of my ableist father in my head.

To add some more context, I have also found that my ability or capacity to do things that are uncomfortable or difficult genuinely changes between periods in my life. There are times where I’m in a period of complete burnout and/or depression and I practically lose all functioning, I don’t keep up with my personal hygiene, I don’t cook and sometimes subsequently don’t eat, I don’t clean, I feel as though I can barely move. Forcing myself to do things that I don’t feel capable of at that time has often lead to being more exhausted and emotionally disregulated, and often results in being unable to finish the task I’ve started. On the other hand, when I’m not in a period where I’m burnt out or depressed, pushing myself to do something uncomfortable or difficult typically becomes easier to do after starting it and doesn’t have negative affects on me afterwards.

I have this problem that I feel so much pressure to be available to people when they are in my life. Even if tell them I need a break for a while I am constantly worried I should show up soon enough or else I will lose them. So then I tell people I need a break indefinitely and that still makes me worried because if I won't keep in touch they will forget about me or hate me. I have this issue especially with making new connections. I made a few new friends from the same interest group and I also tried out dating apps and I am so overwhelmed! And I don't know how to keep things open but just not talk to people. It feels like the only way I can feel at ease is if I completely cut people off. Like tell them I can't keep in touch with them and say a permanent goodbye to them. And delete their number etc. The thing is I would feel very upset if someone would just ghost me and stop talking to me so I don't want to do that to people. But if I tell them how I feel I run into the issues I mentioned. I don't know if it's normal for people that they just stop talking when they don't feel like it and show up when they feel like it and everyone is just okay with that. Is that how relationships work?

Anyway, I would love to know if you guys experience this too and if you found any better solution to the overwhelm from connecting than just cutting people out, especially with new people.

Sometimes when my social battery runs out I kinda give one word answers and physically move away from people, and put on headphones. Or I’ll go on my phone in the hopes that no one will try talking to me. 

I’m aware that I probably seem rude when someone’s trying to make conversation with me and I’m avoiding them, or when I pull out a book at the gathering because my social battery has ran out, but I kinda… don’t care? 

I used to care and would kinda force myself to talk despite feeling drained, but it just left me resentful. Who relates? I sometimes feel guilty about it afterwards because I imagine that people might take it personally.