I almost sent a text tonight. One saying that I missed you. It’s true but know it would have fall on deaf ears. I want you to wrap me up, kiss my forehead like you used to. I miss you. Move quickly please.

They say some souls are bound before they ever even touch—woven together by an invisible, unbreakable red string across time and distance. I used to think that was just poetry, a nice idea for storybooks. And then I met you.

The moment our paths crossed, my entire world shifted on its axis. Everything before you feels like a draft, a quiet prelude to the life that actually began the day I found you. You changed me instantly, effortlessly, pulling parts of me into the light that I didn't even know were there. Loving you, and being known by you, makes me want to be a better person every single day. You are my inspiration, my anchor, and my favorite thought.

Even though miles keep us apart and I haven't been able to look into your eyes since the day we met, you are never really far away. Every time your name lights up my phone, my heart skips a beat. Your messages are my favorite moments of the day, turning ordinary hours into something electric and full of hope.

I miss you in a way that feels heavy in my chest, yet warm all at once. I miss the sound of your voice, the warmth of your presence, and the reality of you that I'm holding onto until I can finally hold you.

I love you so much more than you will ever, ever know. Until I can tell you this to your face it will remain out in this space. ❤️

You're my best kept secret.

All of this has turned into this huge emptiness deep inside me, an emptiness that rips me apart every time I catch a glimpse of your face after so long, hear your voice, or feel that calm and comfort that only your presence brings.

I know you think I'm strange, and honestly, I don't blame you. My nervousness and the walls I put up hid the real me, a me I really wish you'd gotten to know. And why would I even want that? I don't know. One day will come when even a passing glimpse of you won't be possible anymore; all I hope for is that I can still pray for you, and hold on to the memory of who you once were.

Woke up not too long ago because of one. Opened a window...I've been letting the cold air bite my skin more awake. Then I came here and broke my own rule; a post caught my eye and I tried ignoring it before giving in and reading it. One part of it really scared me b ecause it reads like it could be you. I know better than to read these letters. It only gets my hopes up that maybe you...

...nah. Better not entertain the assumption.

Do you know how often I type messages to send you and delete it all as I reconsider? I think I'm becoming a nuisance.

We can’t be together. It’s not just that I exaggerate everything when it comes to you, that I want so badly to see you, to listen to you, to hug you. It’s not just your habit of disappearing, and it’s not just the distance between us, either.

Some people would have walked away the moment they saw you talking about having different diagnoses. Some would have left if you went weeks without messaging them. I stayed, and it has affected me enough as it is. There have been wonderful moments, and I want there to be more of them. Being with you isn’t easy.

The fear and uncertainty that have crept into my mind are that perhaps you aren’t capable of giving love at all, that you don’t know how to reciprocate affection. You say that you feel bad for putting me through this, that I mean a lot to you. I believe you, but will it always end with just your words, or will you gradually start showing me that you truly mean all those beautiful things you say?

But… what am I expecting from you? That’s what troubles me.

I’m afraid of being hurt by you, by your words. You don’t make false promises, and I’m grateful to you for that.

But I’m not being clear here, and that’s why I’m creating confusion.

I say all these things, but I want to kiss you. I want you to hold me. I keep talking, but I can’t bring myself to believe my own words.

I’m so confused, but I would do anything for you.

Can I have another chance to be a part of your life?

Even in some small way. Even if all that remains between us is something quiet, something modest, something that asks very little of either of us.

Perhaps there is too much hurt on both sides. Perhaps some things have grown too heavy to carry back into the light. But a part of me still wonders if, beneath all that pain, there might be room for something small and good.

I'm wiser now. I understand things I couldn't understand then. I was inexperienced in love, in relationships, in the delicate art of wanting someone without losing myself in the wanting. I wish I'd known then what I've had to learn the hard way.

I won't presume to reach out to you directly. Some doors aren't mine to knock on anymore. But the world is strange, and the paths of two people sometimes cross again when neither is looking. Perhaps the ether will bring us together. For now, I have only hope, and the quiet embarrassment of admitting that I still do.

I know you write here. And you know I do too. Last time I suppose I made it a little too obvious... what can I say, I can be quite the fool.

Did you like it?

It came from a very young part of me. A part still struggling to understand the enormity of what was happening, still trying to catch up with a reality that had already moved far beyond. I didn't have all the words. I didn't understand the whole story. But I needed you to know.

So I wrote it for you.

Everything became so much bigger than I ever imagined. The walls came down, the private became public, and things I barely understood about myself were suddenly exposed to the world. But by then, I didn't care about the size of the stage. I needed to let the words out. I needed them to reach you.

I think you understand why.

I don't know who shares your days now, or whose laughter fills the quiet spaces around you. I don't need to know. I only know that I miss the person you were to me, and all the little things that made knowing you feel special.

I understand so much now. I understand things I couldn't see then, things I wish I could go back and meet with a little more patience, a little more grace. I understand that understanding doesn't undo anything. It doesn't return us to the beginning or make the past gentler than it was.

But I understand.

And still, here I am.

It's October.

You know I'm thinking of you.

Perhaps that's all this can be: a small message cast into the dark, with no promise that it will find its way to you.

But if some part of you ever wonders whether there is still a little tenderness here, whether time has softened anything, whether another kind of connection might someday be possible—​

I suppose this is my answer.

I would welcome it.

If you wanted that, too.

Funny how someone can show you that they aren’t romantically interested. Heck they may even verbalize it on multiple occasions as well

YET you still end up with the delusional idea that they are just as madly in love with you as you are with them.

“Their eyes are telling me they want me.”

“They are avoiding me because they are protecting themselves from heartbreak.”

“They are running from their feelings.”

“They spent extra time talking to me today.”

Breadcrumbs can be a hell of a drug.

Sitting there looking into your beautiful eyes I almost kissed you. But I froze and in the end you left and I wonder if I had kissed you would you have pulled away or maybe you would have kissed me back. Your smart fun and beautiful and when I look in your eyes it's like time stops for me . I wonder if you noticed all the times I looked away because I didn't want to be weird.

If only we had more time,
If only there was a restart button, go back and rewind, if only you were here, we could talk, something, anything.

If only I had a chance to speak,
If only I could speak my thoughts clearly, if only I could tell you,

If only you would listen, the words I would have said,
If only I tried differently when the relationship was coming to an end.

If only I could have….

Only a downward spiral. I can’t change anything.

My intention is never to harm, I frequently misunderstand,

I cause harm

If only I didn’t.
If only I knew how to be.
If only you missed me , you’d text or call.

I’m not desperate because I’m alone,
I’m desperate because I miss you and it’s irrational at this point. If only I wasn’t so ….

Ugh. If only you would reach out.

Why would you?

If only..

Have we figured out how we got here? I'll speak for myself. Pour out my heart, again. I couldn't help but feel like a idiot the last time I did this, with the whole nope not me message. Ugh. That was a very rough week for me, unconsolable. Happens, very few and far in-between so I know when I've reached that point where Im cursing at the heavens and blaming them for everything wrong in this human experience, that it's time for me to take a step back, that I've reached the end. Anyway, btw I just wrote this letter, had to look up a word and lost it all, infuriating... where was I? I had forgotten you told me that, it's hard to believe you got this far in life so well persevered, kidding. Not really. I thought to myself haven't you ever been in a situation perhaps drinking where someone rips your clothes off? Heat of the moment? Passion?You had to of been. My second thought was probably was possible because you are a man and not a woman, just my opinion. Less pressure, I think. I don't know. I feel your lucky to get past, nevermind. Possibly, what did you do in those situations, shut everything down? Very impressive. I don't know how you managed to get this far and/or why. In a dream I had about you, I remember something being said like "I just want to f" and I found myself believing it. I also thought she was your once in awhile person, the things I can convince myself of. You're a constant daily/nightly reminder. So, let me add the part for good measure, that there's no telling what happens... It's gone unspoken. Hmm forgot one part, perception. It appears, does it appear I'm swimming? Because I'm merely treading so I don't drown, the water is second nature..not really so much enjoying the swim. It was easier when I was telling myself that everything is ok. You don't sleep when I sleep. What a nightmare, right? Just not a scary one. More like groundhog day. That dream is my favorite btw the other ones weren't so good anyways, I think it's just to pull us apart. Hmm, ok for good measure I should add we don't know what will happen, exactly what's in store. It has gone unspoken... Only in thoughts, memories and feelings. And apparently there's this. no paragraphs, no naming names in a supposed "letter", no reposting jeez wtf

Of course I know. How could I not?

You told me right from the start when things started to shift. You told me your intentions. You told me you manipulate people. You told me I'm a difficult person to manipulate and that I would be a very tempting challenge.

I get it. I can't help but see people as challenges and puzzles as well. We understand each other. I think I understand you a bit more than you understand me though.

I've told you that I don't share everything, but I do share more with you than most. You get unfiltered thoughts. Not all of them, of course, but a lot.

I wonder if you realize the nature of the thoughts I don't share with you.

About how I spent a week straight unable to think about anything other than how it would feel for you to hug me.

It's funny that we just talked about something similar recently. How physical affection just wasn't a thing for either of us and it's just foreign. I gave a background for why it's not the same for me as most people, but I didn't tell you that I crave it.

When I have physical affection I submerge myself in it and experience it fully. Part of the intensity that scares people is the way I lose myself to experiences. I know hugging you would feel....warm... I think is the simple answer. The kind of warm you get after being out in the cold winter air, come inside, kick off your snowshoes, remove your cold, wet clothing and wrap yourself in a big blanket.

Last night I dreamt of you. I don't dream often.

I dreamt of the recent thoughts I've had of you. Vividly. I don't know how I'm going to look at you today.

I wonder how long it will take for you to start seeing it in my eyes. I know you've likely felt the shift. I don't know if you realize what it is.

You're dangerous. You're a fire I can't help but step closer to. We both knew it would happen. But we both also agreed it wouldn't unless it was an active decision from both of us.

I hope one of us is stronger than the pull to play with fire. Because right now, it's feeling really tempting....and I've only just allowed the thoughts to wander.

You're going to burn me alive one way or another, and I'll walk right into the flames knowing what awaits.

Is right around the corner and I wish I would have spent more time making it special for you.
Infact I did the opposite and made it repulsive. So I understand why you left. Among other things :/
I know it hurt to leave. So I apologize for ruining that future. You never had been the type to go back on your decisions. I think that’s what I liked about about you the most.
You are right.
I will never find someone like you
As honest or as kind.
And that really stings. But I have learned to respect your choice. More than. I appreciate it. And I will make sure if I have any kids to teach them the emotional intelligence I lacked

Sincerely - someone

I cannot shake the sudden feeling that something awful is on its way. Foreboding. I don’t know what it is but it makes the air feel heavy and taste sour.

In my mind I constantly drown in a whirlpool of maybes.

Maybe this will happen.

I follow the train of thought to the end of the tracks.

Maybe that will happen.

I cannot make them stop.

Maybe good maybe bad.

I pick apart my every move. Before and after I make them.

Maybe it’ll turn out well against all odds.

I can’t rest. I can’t think.

Maybe I’ll make a fool of myself.

I can’t breathe.

Maybe I already have?

Maybe I am not as well as I thought I was. Maybe I wasn’t ready to do this after all. Maybe I won’t ever be ready.

Maybe, maybe, maybe maybe maybe I just want to put my face through the mirror. Maybe then I’ll stop thinking about you, and this... maybe then I’ll just stop thinking

Every day.

For the rest of my life.

Do you promise to read them,

For the rest of yours?

Be my baby, baby…

And I’ll be yours.

My love.

third time a charm? What if we might as well? I think we were both dumb as fjck to let each other walk away so easily. I’m sorry.

The universe was heavily mistaken.
Our connection wasn’t fated to cross paths.
It is only something destined in fairytales.
If our eyes met across a crowded room, I know I would be a goner.
Time would stop.
Planets might collide.
I think life as we know it would be doomed!

were not even a couple but we still fight the ugliest but never leave.

were the realist well ever see or come across.

we slam doors, raise our voices,The say its toxic because we don't hide the mess.

Here's the real difference we don't run when things get hard.

Most people think a relationship is over after the first big fight.

it's just not the end for us real love isn't never fighting.

its fighting hard and we still end by choosing each other.

I know it all. I know the psychology of it. I know about limerence, codependency, and how anything and everything can leave a scar. I know about the need for hope, the need for love, and how they lay bare the most guarded part. I know the difference between what is meant and what is felt, between what is shown and what is held. I know that an intention can’t speak for itself, and that hurt can be deserved. I know that trust isn’t always meant to be earned, and that some pages inevitably have to turn.

I know, I know, but what good is knowing when I’ll never know your heart?

It’s been a while since anything has made me want to write. Long enough that I forgot what it feels like to sit down and catch myself smiling before I’ve gotten a single word down. So, thanks for that.

I guess I’ve been on autopilot for longer than I’d like to admit. Ever since I moved here, it’s been work, whatever emergency comes next, and not much else. The kind of stretch where the days blur together, and you stop expecting anything to break the usual pattern.

But… then you did. Somehow, you were the exception.

It wasn’t anything dramatic. Just a look across the room, the occasional smile, the way you lit up when I came by, a few brief conversations, and suddenly that’s the part of the week I’m waiting for. I don’t remember the last time I was this curious about someone. Not the version people get at work - the real one.

Then there’s the frustrating fine print. In any other life, I’d just say hi. Ask to get coffee, see where it goes. Simple. Instead there are rules, people watching, and the last thing I want to do is make anything harder on you. So I keep it to myself and play it cool, which, for the record, is not my strong suit.

It doesn’t change anything, though. I like you. More than a guy who’s mostly communicated through stolen glances and small talk has any right to. And this isn’t me making peace with a missed chance - I’m just waiting it out until the time’s right.

So do me one favor until then. Don’t stop looking at me like that. 

It makes my week. Every single time.