Gotta save money somehow 💀

The husband said you make the coffee in the morning because you’re the woman
The wife say you make the coffee because it’s in the bible
He said I don’t believe you, show me
She opens the bible to Hebrews

The breast stroke.

A man walks into a pet store one day and goes up to the counter. He asked the sales person if they sold large white bears. He was told they didn't. The man leaves.

The next day, the man walks into the pet store and had the same request, a large white bear. After hearing they didn't the man leaves.

Day after day, the man comes in asking for a large, white bear and leaves when told no.

Finally, after three weeks, when the man came into the store, the manager greeted the man and said to him: "Sir, you've come into my pet store for three weeks asking for a large, white bear. Why do you want one so much?"

The man looks at the manager and replys: "I have buy-polar disorder."

A man walks into a library, approaches the front desk, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake, please."
The librarian looks at him, completely shocked, and says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The man blushes, looks around, nods quickly, and whispers:
"Oh, I am so sorry...^cheeseburger, ^large ^fries, ^and ^a ^chocolate ^shake, ^please."

Alone for two weeks, Aimo Koivunen lived off snow, pine buds and a single raw bird, and at one point got into a brutal fight with a tree believing it to be a wolverine

Finally, after skiing a staggering 400 kilometres in the arctic circle, Koivunen was spotted by a German reconnaissance plane and rescued. When examined, his weight had nearly halved, and his heart rate was around 200bpm.

Upon being rescued, his first words were reportedly:
“Hey you got any more of those pills? that was fucking great!”

I keep checking on it, I miss it all the time, and whenever we finally meet, we both know it’s not going to last. 💀

Wonder what’s she up to now?

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

Share the good vibes if this made you smile just a little 👍😉❤️

I said, "No. They're mine."

Seeing your neighbor mow his lawn

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

"So what's nineteen times seventeen?" he asked.
I replied immediately, "Thirty-four."
"Um… that's not right," he said.
"True, but it was very quick!"

👻🎃

Anyone got any good ancient Egyptian Pharaoh jokes?

The producers are forced to broadcast these horrific crimes, looking on in horror at the monster they had created.

Just picture working on that set, you gotta smile at this guy, hand him his coffee and play it cool so he doesn't murder you too.

So basically, it’s what I imagine it was like being friends with OJ Simpson.

Can you do this any cheaper love, it's got today's date on it?
She said: "Look Mister, do you want the newspaper or not?"