Gotta save money somehow 💀

Wonder what’s she up to now?

The breast stroke.

'What if you play it and get inspired to steal a real car!', she says from her favourite chair, reading her new novel 'How to Fuckin Murder Your Whole Family'.

Anyways, I'll just ask dad.

Oh, sheet!

A man walks into a pet store one day and goes up to the counter. He asked the sales person if they sold large white bears. He was told they didn't. The man leaves.

The next day, the man walks into the pet store and had the same request, a large white bear. After hearing they didn't the man leaves.

Day after day, the man comes in asking for a large, white bear and leaves when told no.

Finally, after three weeks, when the man came into the store, the manager greeted the man and said to him: "Sir, you've come into my pet store for three weeks asking for a large, white bear. Why do you want one so much?"

The man looks at the manager and replys: "I have buy-polar disorder."

The husband said you make the coffee in the morning because you’re the woman
The wife say you make the coffee because it’s in the bible
He said I don’t believe you, show me
She opens the bible to Hebrews

Seeing your neighbor mow his lawn

After facing backlash from Chinese companies and citizens, the French football star clarified he meant to refer to Mao as a

‘Former Chinese dictator'.

Alone for two weeks, Aimo Koivunen lived off snow, pine buds and a single raw bird, and at one point got into a brutal fight with a tree believing it to be a wolverine

Finally, after skiing a staggering 400 kilometres in the arctic circle, Koivunen was spotted by a German reconnaissance plane and rescued. When examined, his weight had nearly halved, and his heart rate was around 200bpm.

Upon being rescued, his first words were reportedly:
“Hey you got any more of those pills? that was fucking great!”

A man walks into a library, approaches the front desk, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake, please."
The librarian looks at him, completely shocked, and says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The man blushes, looks around, nods quickly, and whispers:
"Oh, I am so sorry...^cheeseburger, ^large ^fries, ^and ^a ^chocolate ^shake, ^please."

I said, "No. They're mine."

The doctor runs a few tests, looks at the results, and puts a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry to give you the news, but you have a rare condition. You only have six months to live."

The man is devastated. "Six months?! Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"Well," the doctor says, thinking for a moment, "you could move to a small, isolated town in the middle of nowhere, buy a tiny rundown farm, and marry a 75-year-old woman who has six noisy chihuahuas."
The man looks up, suddenly hopeful. "Will that help me live longer?"

"No," the doctor says. "But those six months will feel like an eternity."

☝️

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

"So what's nineteen times seventeen?" he asked.
I replied immediately, "Thirty-four."
"Um… that's not right," he said.
"True, but it was very quick!"

👻🎃

Can you do this any cheaper love, it's got today's date on it?
She said: "Look Mister, do you want the newspaper or not?"

I keep checking on it, I miss it all the time, and whenever we finally meet, we both know it’s not going to last. 💀

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "off with his head!" shouted the mullah. The crowd roared. The doctor was stuffed into postition, the executioner jerked the lanyard and - nothing heppened. They took the doctor out and tried it on a goat. Chop! It worked perfectly.

A big cry went up from the crowd. "Spare the doctor. It is the will of God!" And the doctor was freed.

Next they dragged up the lawyer. "'I'm a lawyer. I can represent your cause before the world court..." he was stuffed into the guillotine... the lanyard... nothing happened...the goat... the crowd "..the will of God" and the lawyer was freed.

Next they dragged up the engineer. He said: "There's a burr that stops the latch lever every other pull. Gimme a file and I could dress it off."

Anyone got any good ancient Egyptian Pharaoh jokes?

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

Share the good vibes if this made you smile just a little 👍😉❤️

Tonguesten

The producers are forced to broadcast these horrific crimes, looking on in horror at the monster they had created.

Just picture working on that set, you gotta smile at this guy, hand him his coffee and play it cool so he doesn't murder you too.

So basically, it’s what I imagine it was like being friends with OJ Simpson.

You will be mist