What do you do when your nearly 50, had taken all your life to find your partner and lived with them for 15 years. And were at the point were hobbies and friends really had lost all interest and your contentment came from just being at home with your partner?

Then overnight with no warning they are gone. It just seems without them that life is just over. To build back up to that level of relaxed contentment takes a decade at least. I just dont have the energy to build that again with someone and theres no one that could fill her shoes. She was a unicorn.

So i can't now fake an interest in outings or hobbies or socialising because I've been there and done it. It dosent interest me anymore and hasnt for years. This is why i feel that i will never recover from her loss. She was everything. I just want it to end because this tragic thing has ended it already. I just need a way out now

Today I got the personalised gravestone marker that I ordered off Etsy for my late partner. It’s beautiful but WTF is this shit. I should be buying him a Xmas present not a fucking stone with a message on it for his grave 😔💔

i think about it a lot, trying to hold on to the thought that my husband isn’t gone forever. and it’s not even about religion, but about him being near. it’s comforting and at the same time it hurts so much. i really want to believe that we’ll be reunited when i go after him. but because of that i want to speed up that moment. i used to be skeptical about it. like, man, your brain just stops working — you end up in nothingness where there’s nothing. but now that sounds like something very scary. and my brain refuses to accept any logical chain. even that he’s not there at all. it’s just unreal.

how is it for you?

My husband passed after 3.5 year cancer battle at 51. We had an amazing life together. We loved each other wholeheartedly and it was my privilege and honour to love him to his final breath. My grief is so deep and all consuming. I have an amazing community to walk beside me. His celebration of life was on Saturday. It was so beautiful and a true reflection of who he was, his passions. I poured everything into it and it kept me busy and gave me purpose. It’s all hitting me like a Mack truck. Our dog is also 15.5 and doesn’t have much time. We don’t have kids. We loved our life without them. Dreading the next 2 months leading up to Christmas. How am I going to get through this?

Not sure how to write this. 18 months since she died and I've been burying myself in work, but work ends at some point and then it's just me and the house.

I drink every night. Not blackout, but borderline drunk, every single night. Not sure when that became the routine, but it did. I keep telling myself it's just to switch my brain off for a bit.

I don't love that I'm even asking, but I can't tell anymore if I'm coping or just numbing it.

Anyone else been here? Did it get worse before it got better, or did it fade on its own? Honestly just want to hear from people who get it.

I post here a lot and I'm very grateful for this space.

It'll be five weeks tomorrow and I'm struggling. I don't like taking medication for any reason but I'm starting to consider if some kind of antidepressant could be supportive. I am in therapy and currently going 3 times a week. I took Wellbutrin about 20 years ago for a short period of time and it helped dial down the emotions slightly. No issues while taking it but I stopped it abruptly and that caused some short term mood swings.

Any suggestions for the most intense emotions? I cry so much at times that i feel physically ill, every day now. I work (remotely) and am trying to stay busy and do the next right thing but the pain is overwhelming. I'm more and more exhausted every day. I'm getting very tired of making such an effort... nothing seems to help.

Appreciate any suggestions anyone may have. Thanks.

I'm lucky in that my wife and I had this conversation prior to her getting sick. Still doesn't make it easy, but both of us basically made the other promise to abide by it. Hopefully this strikes a chord for someone because it sure does for me.

DON’T STOP LIVING
IF I GO BEFORE YOU

Please don’t let my goodbye
become the end of your story.

There are still sunsets waiting for you.
There are still roads you haven’t traveled.
There are still people who need your kindness
and moments that will make your heart smile again.

I know the nights will feel longer without me.
I know you’ll reach for my hand and
remember it’s no longer there.

But my love, please keep going.
Wear your favorite clothes.
Visit the places we dreamed of seeing.
Laugh at the little things we used to laugh about.

And when happiness finds you again,
please don’t turn it away because of me.
I never wanted my absence to become your prison.
I loved you in this life,
and if my love means anything,
let it be the reason you keep living.

To my husband - How dare you be gone and leave me in this void, especially when we lost our son, Mathew, right before you . I still need you in my life, and you are not here. I'm so mad at you for leaving me.

365 days of waking up and convincing myself to get out of bed. 365 days of missing the best thing that ever happened to me. Our kids came over and we talked , remembered ,ate lunch and occasionally broke down. I told them this and life in general is not fair , but I’m glad I have them to share this unfairness with. Thought I was going to make it through it ok , then my son found a journal of hers. It asked for 5 things that make her smile, my name was number 1. She was my number 1. I miss her so much. I miss our life. I also mourn the life we were planning.

Therapy talk lately has been how I figure out how to be a human with all of this trauma, insecurity, broken brain and heart - without jumping into another relationship just to fill a void. So, yes, I would love to get laid. 🫣😫🫠😬 But that’s probably not a good idea for now. I do eventually want to have sex with more people than just my husband. But I need to figure out my likes, needs, personality now that my identity isn’t focused on saving Keith (spoiler it didn’t work, I saved no one).

I am in New Orleans on a kind of grief-vacation, which I impulsively planned thinking I needed to experience some new things in new environments to help cement the idea this new life is a) completely unmapped and open to possibility and b) up to me to shape how I move forward toward healing.

So back to therapy, I was telling my therapist that it feels like a mix of bring in middle school again, or being homeschooled and thrust into The Real World and not knowing how to act. Part of me wants to slut around (wid-hoing as one podcast out it), make not-serious mistakes, find out what/who I want to connect with now. But that could easily turn into latching into someone because they “pick me”…similar to what happened almost 30 years ago with Keith. So we discussed in therapy that I should slow down, check in with myself, and start small. All very new tactics for me. Interactions with strangers that aren’t hinged on lust/attraction/sex. Just learning how to be a person in the world without my tether.

Tonight I chatted up a (quite attractive) stranger, offered to share my Lyft to a concert, chatted and got to know him on the ride, then after we went through security and toward our separate seats, we shook hands and said nice to meet you, maybe we’ll see each other after the show.

Did I want to ask for his number? Yes. Did I have intrusive thoughts of doing intimate things with someone I just met? Yes. Didn’t act on it, kept it low-stakes and actually increased my confidence.

Also - I haven’t mentioned my dead husband to anyone on this trip. That’s a win. It’s not my whole identity. Yes, it happened. Lots happened in these 47 years that I am not going to offer up unsolicited before I let someone know me. Since I am practicing being human.

I lost my wife soon after I turned 30 to leukemia that turned into brain tumor. At first, it hurt my very soul to see her crying in pain and telling me how much she's scared and I did my best to smile for her while dying inside. It still hurts sometimes when I remember how the most amazing person I knew in this world was saying such horrible things.

It would have been her 41st birthday last week and I was hit with waves of sadness and and tears. I feel so bad and so guilty that I get to live such a wonderful and luxurious life, all of these I built with the hope I'd share with her.

When we were together, I was still doing my PhD and my stipend barely paid the bills and we had so little room in our budget then the medical bills. Since I lost her, I finished my PhD. I really don't know how. I was spiritually dead and I just wanted to die and I just masked it and pushed on and got myself a well paying job that I have to this day.

The first year. No vacation, the money just accumulating in the bank account. It's a weird kind of sadness to see my 6 digit salary piling up while I don't spend any because all that money I wanted to spend with her. Second year, the same. Third year, the same. Fourth year, I started dating again finally and the girlfriend at the time basically asked me how I am living like this.

I live in the same apartment as I did with my wife and it was a complete mess everywhere. No places on desks because they were just full of stuff. I was hoarding everything and just kind of still stuck in the old life while trying to add new things in my life without throwing old things away. I even kept the clothes that I wore when I was with my wife.

This year, I started finally donating my old clothes and selling the things I don't use anymore.

Honestly, for those 5 years. I think I didn't want to move on with my life. I've significantly improved but there are still so many things I don't want to let go. I still keep her and our pictures together in my wallet. I have her picture hanging in my bedroom.

I know I have a whole life ahead of me but honestly... part of me doesn't want my story to continue without her.

It's been 9 months since my fiancé, the love my life passed.

My birthday is coming up next month. Some of my friends are already asking for my availability. I know they mean well, they wanted to be there with me for my birthday knowing that I don't have my fiancé anymore. It's really sweet of them. But first of all, I don't really feel like celebrating my birthday at all. Second of all, I don't want special companionship on my birthday. I want the day to day checking in on me, not just on my birthday. I wanted them to be someone that I can text and call when my grief is so intense, not just appearing on my birthday and then go back to being silent and no text and call at all.

Am I being petty? Should I be grateful that at least they're thinking of me and wanting me to be "happy" on my birthday? How am I supposed to feel? I'm not even sure if I'd be happy to see them given that they haven't checked in on me at all after the first week of my fiancé's death.

Note: these friends are friends that I used to consider as "closed friends".

Because she didn’t feel they “had the right dispositions” or some crap.

They went up anyway.

My son admitted he wouldn’t have if she’d kept her mouth shut.

Time does not heal these wounds, but it really proves that grief is not linear. About an hour from now, it'll be 606 days since I lost my wife to suicide. Nearly 20 months later and I still struggle with denial. It's not something that you only struggle with at the beginning.

I had met up with another redditor a few times last year, a widow who'd lost her husband to suicide as well. I remember her telling me that the permanence of the loss didn't really start to kick in until around the first death anniversary. The one year mark. I found that to be true for me as well, and it's probably a big reason why I've heard so much about year two being the hardest in some ways. It's hard enough to fathom that they're gone, then later you struggle with comprehending that they're gone forever?!

I said it so many times in those first months; the more this sinks in, the less I believe it. Lately, it's still been true.

Yesterday, I got a message from one of my wife's managers saying her coworkers held a fundraiser for the local Humane Society in her honor and raised enough for a memorial paver, which they dedicated to my wife, and they sent me the picture of the paver.

On one hand, it is very touching. As silent as my world is, it feels nice to know my wife's memory is still carried on outside my tiny sphere. It's nice to see my wife's name immortalized. Some time this week, I'm planning on driving up to see it for myself.

On the other hand, I got that same feeling I did in the beginning. That piercing through the dark of denial pain. That twisting knife out of nowhere I felt when I had to file paperwork, or when I first saw the death certificate. Evidence that pops the bubble and brings back a well rehearsed line, "Oh, that's right... she's gone. Oh, that's right... she's gone forever!"

I struggle to comprehend how I'm feeling today with all those polarizing feelings all mixed into the pot. In the early days, these moments would just turn me into a crying wreck, but it's incredibly rare to get myself to cry anymore, even though I'd like to. The well dried up a while ago, and I'm lucky if I can actually open the dam of tears once every couple of months or so. I'm just in that pot with all those feelings in a weird place.

It feels like a candy-coated knife with a glass shattering tool on the hilt. It's sweet, but it cuts in and stings deep. At the same time, the glass has shattered, un-filtering my reality and exposing me to the one where my wife's not coming home. The air is much colder here.

​

What am I feeling? A very wide range of emotions: anger at those who caused his death, unbearable longing, a million memories with him that cause unbearable pain because there's no one to share them with, an emptiness inside that eats away at her even more at night, the absence and ignorance of people who think that six months have passed and she's fine, people who still think their advice is wonderful and still try to force it on her... Sometimes I'm afraid of myself, sometimes my thoughts, because of these strange people, take on a terrible desire, "What if the same thing happens to you and I look at you in six months, how do you like your advice and how you feel? Are you doing great?"

I've distanced myself from people as much as possible because they don't understand. I can't find meaning in life; it's ceased to exist for me. I don't understand why people fight over trivial things. Inside, I'm thinking, "Hey, someone could die, take care of yourselves, these are all trivial things."

Result: six months later, I'm even worse. At first, people were fussing, but now there's no one. There's only me, my thoughts, my emptiness, my loneliness, my memories, and his things, all in their places...

I miss him so much. I force myself to ignore the fact he’s gone so much, that when I read these and remembered it happened and someone truly loved me it absolutely crushes me.

It’s been almost two years. Still no obituary/service/memorial, I think at this point it’s going to be on me to make those things happen but he deserved it. he deserved so much better than this

Yesterday I was laid off due to some corporate restructure bullshit. Today I told my landlord that I lost the job, and she kicked me out despite spouting some bullshit earlier about how “you’ll always have a home here” “god brought you to my home as a son” and all that shit. We were having a little celebration earlier today for my late partner’s birthday, I bought candles paper plates knives etc. and hours later she kicked me out because apparently the room is too much memory she couldn’t sleep at night so fuck me I guess. So it’s all bullshit then.

I ate peanut M&Ms for the first time since he died.

He always made sure he had peanut M&Ms on hand at his house for when I came over.

I didn't realize it at first and then I felt like I got punched in the face.

Grief is weird.

I lost my wedding band a few years ago. It wasn't anything fancy but of course, I was so upset I lost it. My husband bought me an Oura ring as a placeholder and we just figured we would make it a treasure hunt to find me another ring together. Like, we would know it when we found it. He passed away in September of 2025, and we never did find me another ring.

My question is this. I have a small lock of his hair. Has anyone used a service that uses a lock of hair as like a diamond? Or part of the jewelry? Does that make sense? I'd like to have something made from his lock of hair into a ring so I can wear instead of the Oura ring. I know there are places, I just want to find a hopefully reputable one and figured this would be a good place to ask. Thanks guys.

i don't know where to post, its always removed 😒

Is it possible? I just feel hopeless and see no point in living... life feels like something I have to do rather than something I enjoy doing. My days have gone from being complete torture to torture with moments of less pain and just apathy...

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes we smile and carry on, even when our hearts are breaking inside. We miss the little things, the familiar voice, the hugs, the hand to hold, and simply having our person beside us.

[Trigger warning]

If yes, for how long (if no longer)? Did you need therapy and/or medication? How did you find out you needed help?

Me: I'm having these basically every single day after losing my soulmate. Never acted on it, but most of the time it is the so-called "passive sui... intentions", which means I'm not going to throw myself under a truck, but if it comes in my direction, I'm not jumping away. I'm doing therapy, and probably starting medication soon.

But I had a few episodes of acute active intention... very close to acting on it. I stick to the love from my family and family-in-law to don't continue.

It's crazy to be put on medication because of love...

My girlfriend passed away in her sleep about two weeks ago. It’s been hard to deal with my family along with some friends have been supportive. They’ve been by my side since. We were together for 4 years, her family hasn’t reached out but one her aunt. Her mother & step father have been blaming me as if I did anything to harm the love of my life, showing up to my parents house yelling from the outside that “I killed her daughter“ which I did not do!!!!!!!!! I loved her she took care of me when I had a car accident, she showered me when I couldn’t she was literally attached to me I loved it. I miss it…. Her biological father hasn’t reached out one bit, we have had conversations in the past I know he loved his daughter but he didn’t do much the 4 years we were together. Not that I’m looking for attention from anyone in her family but damn instead of asking me for all her stuff one week after she passed and has been asking every week for something of hers no text is inquiring about how I’m doing or healing is really disturbing. My girlfriend would throw events such as sip & paints, smoke & paint and literally nobody but my family would show to support no family no friends but the min my love passes she has thousands of friends & family members. Not once in 4 years have I seen the amount of people displaying her pictures tagging her on facebook post etc. & that hurts my heart when she was alive and trying to promote her business NOBODY NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WENT TO HER LAST 3 events !!!!! It sickening to see I also wasn’t allowed to her funeral to send her off to heaven where she belongs!!!!! Im just broken my heart feels empty l, my body is numb. Im starting to get death threats from anonymous people anonymous pages and I just don’t know what to do. Sorry for my long post Reddit community, but a little help would be dope!!!!

I haven’t felt joy or happiness in years. I do not anticipate any of this getting better. Only getting used to the pain. What’s that worth? What kind of life is that? Why keep plugging along and suffering? What’s the point?