I did it. 1 year since the last smoke. I had a massive note thread full of thoughts over the past 12 months that I wanted to condense into one super long post, but I won’t do that right now. I’ve tried quitting so many times over the years I’ve stopped focusing on sticking with it. Which helped paradoxically. Saying to myself that when I hit this milestone I’ll post here had been one of the things getting me through. Especially in the beginning, this sub has had a major impact on my journey, and I couldn’t be more grateful for this community.

The past year has been full of ups and downs, and I was so, so close to saying yes to that one toke at a party or ordering up when my life sucked. But I persevered. And today the days, weeks and months turn into the first year. Funnily enough, stopped when life started to suck a lot more than it did before. Figured if I didn’t, my mental health would take a nosedive, and I’m pretty sure I avoided a major mental blackhole by sticking through with it. If I could, you can too💪🏽 Today I’ll celebrate with some candy and soda, which I couldn’t dream of enjoying without having a smoke a year ago. But today, the thought of having a smoke before having a treat like that doesn’t even cross my mind. And honestly, it feels great.

I spent my entire 20's stoned. And If im being completely honest, it stopped me from ending myself. Now at 30 my brain feels a lot different. Maybe it's true Adhd brains mature in their 30's and ive been sober for the first time in a long time rightnow.

hi, im 23F and i smoked weed for 10 years. yes, i started right before i turned 13. very sad.

i quit 4 days ago, and it’s really rough. i cannot eat, like at all. i have noooo appetite. i force myself to eat when i start to feel weak or shaky, but can only get a few bites in. bone broth has been keeping me alive tbh.

also, i cannot fall asleep until like 5-6am, and i wake up around 12, no dreams, with an intense sinking in my chest.

i’m also super constipated. anyone feel this way? i feel like im dying after 4 days of not eating or sleep much.

also my temperature is UP and DOWN!!

irrelevant, but maybe not: i’m also going threw mild alcohol withdrawals because i used to drink abt 4-5 days a week, and i’d go HARD!

just wanna know if you relate, and any advice is welcome. thanks.

Today marks one full year since I took my last bong rip, and it’s a milestone I never thought I’d reach.
For 14 years, I was a chronic cannabis user, basically all day, every day. I didn’t even try weed until I finished grad school, but once I started, it didn’t take long for it to become a part of virtually everything I did.

I smoked when I woke up, before bed, when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, when I went hiking, when I went to the gym, when I went to work, before movies, and before and during meals. There was hardly a part of my day that didn’t involve cannabis in some way.

It went from having no place in my life to becoming everything in my life. It was woven into my routines, my identity, and the way I experienced the world.
I’d tried to quit several times over the years, but I always found my way back to using. Last year, around this time, I started seriously wanting something different. I made at least half a dozen attempts to quit, but I never made it more than a day or two.

There was always some bullshit excuse to start again.
Then, on October 24th, 2025, I took my last bong rip.
I’m honestly not sure what was different this time. I just know that, for the first time, I truly wanted to quit for myself.

I leaned heavily into r/leaves. I went back and read as many posts as I could, looking for advice, reassurance, and a reminder that I wasn’t the only person going through this. Reading about other people’s struggles, withdrawal symptoms, setbacks, and successes helped me feel less alone. This community became a source of support and strength through those first few months, and I don’t think I can overstate how much that helped.

The first two weeks were hell. I barely slept for the first week, and I could hardly eat for the first month until my appetite finally came back. Once I started sleeping normally again, I experienced intensely vivid dreams for about two months. Somewhere along the way, I found that pink cloud people talk about, and for a while, things actually started to feel easier.

But around three or four months in, I started convincing myself that maybe I was past my addiction. I seriously considered going back to using, telling myself I could keep it under control and just smoke while hiking or on weekends. Maybe I could finally be one of those people who could use in moderation.

I made a post here asking you guys about it, and you gave me exactly the advice I needed to hear: I was fooling myself. After 14 years of using the way I did, there was little reason to believe I could suddenly moderate it. I’d probably end up right back where I’d started.

It wasn’t worth playing with fire.

I’m incredibly grateful I listened. A year later, I know there’s a very good chance I’d be starting all over again if I’d decided to give moderation a try.
There’s something I’ve learned through hiking that I think applies just as much to recovery.

I’ve walked from Mexico to Canada twice now, covering almost 10,000 miles on long-distance trails. I’ve crossed deserts, climbed mountains, pushed through exhaustion, and kept moving when the finish line seemed impossibly far away.

But I never started either of those hikes truly believing I could walk all the way from Mexico to Canada. When you’re standing at the beginning of a journey that’s thousands of miles long, the enormity of it can be overwhelming.

Instead, I focused on what I knew I could do. I could take one more step. I could walk one more mile. And when I finished that mile, I could probably walk another.

Eventually, those steps become miles. Miles become days. One mile becomes a hundred, a hundred becomes a thousand, and eventually, you find yourself standing at the Canadian border, looking back at a journey you once couldn’t imagine completing.

I think recovery works much the same way.

When I first quit, I couldn’t imagine never smoking weed again. The thought of living the rest of my life without something that had been part of virtually every day for 14 years was overwhelming. Thinking about forever made the whole thing feel impossible.
But I didn’t need to figure out forever. I just needed to get through that day.

Then the next one.

And then the next.

I didn’t get to a year by knowing I could do it all at once. I got here by continuing to move forward, even when I couldn’t see very far down the trail.
And now, a year later, my life is better in ways I couldn’t fully appreciate when I was still using.
I think more clearly. I sleep better. I communicate better. I’m more present with my friends and family, my breathing feels clearer, and my business is thriving in ways I can now recognize cannabis was holding me back from achieving.

Most importantly, I feel like I’m actually showing up for my own life again.

I know there are people who can use cannabis in moderation, and I have no problem with that. But I’ve had to accept that moderation isn’t a realistic option for me. After 14 years of compulsive use, recognizing that truth has potentially saved me from spending another 14 years missing out on some of the most important parts of my life.

When I quit last October, I never would have believed I’d make it this far. Now, recovery has become just as important a part of my life as consuming cannabis once was, and I honestly can’t see how going back makes sense for me.

I don’t spend nearly as much time on Reddit anymore, but I wanted to come back here today to say thank you. I genuinely don’t know if I could have made it through those first couple of months without the support and guidance I found in this community.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, being honest about the hard parts, and offering advice when I needed it. When I was struggling to believe in myself, reading your stories helped me believe that getting free was possible.

To anyone who’s just starting out, I want you to know that you don’t have to figure out how you’re going to make it through the rest of your life. You don’t even have to believe you can make it another year.
You just have to get through today.

The beginning can be brutal. You might struggle to sleep, struggle to eat, question whether it’s worth it, and convince yourself that you can go back and do things differently. But keep going. It doesn’t stay that way forever.

I’m incredibly proud of this milestone, not because a year is some magical number, but because of what it represents: choosing myself, showing up for my life, and learning that I’m capable of letting go of something I once thought I couldn’t live without.

I’ve walked from Mexico to Canada twice. I never had to believe I could complete the entire journey on day one. I just had to believe I could keep walking.

If you’re at day one, day three, or day thirty, you don’t have to walk the whole trail today. Just take the next step.

One step at a time. One day at a time. One year down. Here’s to freedom.

I've smoked since age 16, turned 40 last week. I quit once in my early 20s and that lasted for about 5 years. I only quit that time due to having my first full blown panic attack and having no knowledge of what was happening and literally thought I was dying. That scared me enough to stop cold turkey. I picked it back up in my late 20s and I got back to daily use around covid time.

I have wanted to quit for about a year now, I'd tell myself every single time I would smoke, "you have got to stop", "you have zero willpower", "you are just treading water in this life with smoking away your evenings and zoning out into various screens", etc. Beating myself up every... single...day. The nail in the coffin for me was when I hit an impossible plateau in my weight loss journey. (For context I've had A LOT of weight to lose, have lost 135 lbs so far with about 100 to go). I lived in harmony with nightly munchies and a continuous drop in weight for about 15 months. Then I plateaud for 3 months straight and decided no more. I could not defeat the munchie monster, I tried all the ways and failed. So I decided to start weaning off slowly over a month.

I went from smoking about 2-3gs in the bong a day to half that for a week, then half that for a week, and so on. My last week I got down to 2 puffs off a pipe a day, then I was down to my last nug and I said "I'm going to keep you just to prove I can". I still have it stashed away.

First 3 days were feeling a little fiendish, irritable and the often discussed 4K HD dreams. The dreams and irritability leveled off pretty fast within the end of the first week, then came a semi manic 2 weeks of starting lofty home improvement projects to keep myself busy through the evenings when I was craving it the most. That's the biggest recommendation I would give to others. Keep. Yourself. Busy! Up until bedtime, until you crash for the day. I chose meditative activities/projects like painting my bathroom for example. The only other noticeable withdrawal symptom I've had was the body temp regulation. I'd have bouts of freezing cold randomly, to the point it's put on full sweats/sweater and get under 3 blankets and shiver... that lasted about 2 weeks, usually once or twice a day.

I hit 1 month clean 5 days ago, and it's been roughly 10 days now that the cravings have disappeared and I don't think about it at all most evenings now. If you are thinking about quitting and have been for AWHILE like myself, the first 24hrs is the hardest (and in the grand scheme I wouldn't even say it's 'hard' it's just different and boring really, but that is absolutely my personal opinion, I know it varies wildly for everyone). I'm settling into that general malaise that others here have mentioned, but it's mild and I know it will pass, it's just my brain repairing itself! I do feel much more clear headed, no more blah morning hangovers, my memory is slowly improving along with better feeling in my lungs AND my weight-loss has resumed, 7 lbs down since quit date and still going strong.

General list of what worked for myself: Keeping busy through the boredom, having a list of activities to do, Some treat yourself purchases as a sobriety reward (with ALL the money you are saving!), Trusting in the knowing that the initial withdrawal is temporary and things will level off soon. If you think its time to stop and you feel it in your soul, go for it, take the leap.

anyone else experienced this? felt stoned when i woke up after having a dream that i smoked. it wasnt just the normal grogginess of waking up lol.

on day 19 btw!

I’ve been smoking weed for the past 9-10 years but not daily. Initial years, I did like 1-2 times a week single bong hit. Then sometimes not smoking for months and then doing it for a week taking a break then doing it again on weekends. I have never been doing it in a day, always after finishing all work/tasks and before dinner.

Now recently, I started doing THC Vapes this year and I did use it 4-5 days in a week, a few puffs in the evening. I have never experienced any symptoms or any withdrawals, I would probably be sober again in midnight before going to bed. It was like having a beer in the evening.

This year has been stressful due to financial reasons and constant stress in personal life. I have started to notice, now whenever I do it, I start to feel scared and anxious. I would start to think about all things that caused stress in the first place and started imagining worst possible case scenarios, ending up doom scrolling the phone till I pass out instead of going through those thoughts.

I'm coming to conclusion it's no longer a fun or stress free time for me like it used it be. Just sharing personal experience and your thoughts, if you have ever been in the same situation?

Hi everyone. Not a regularly Reddit poster, but I used this sub around 2 years ago when I quit the first time. Reading everyone’s stories very much inspired me to stop smoking after about 3 years, and it worked! Unfortunately, 6 months later I relapsed after starting a new job to “celebrate” and haven’t stopped since. I have now smoked again for about a year and a half (mostly carts) and I caught myself scrolling through this sub again having thoughts of becoming sober again. I remember the first time quitting the insomnia was the worst part for me, so I’m just looking to see if anyone has found any answers to help aid that. The cravings I can handle, but being awake for 24 hour days then having to go to a 9-5 as a zombie is what’s holding me back, but if that’s the sacrifice to quit then I’m willing to do it.

Better in everyway compared to addiction. No more racing to the dispensary before they close because heaven forbid, I couldn't my fix for 12 hours. Pathetic past version of myself I no longer identify with. All the best to everybody reading this and stay strong. Let's not forget why we quit this drug or want too.

been smoking weed for 5 years now i’m 23m. The bad thing about it is that i have weed pens. I use them all day every day. I’ll go in high at work7am until i get off. I need it to feel like someone and something. Smoking has brought me around some good people(at least i thought) and now i need to disassociate myself.

I nearly smoked today. I’ve been sober for 6 months. I’ve made it to a year before but I tripped and fell and was hooked for a further 2 years. Getting to 6 months is massive - I only ever reached this point when I went all the way to a year before. I’ve promised myself this is it. And it is. I’ve been doing great. But October is my favourite month. I’m happiest in Autumn. And the worst thing is weed only creeps into my mind when I’m at my happiest (not my lowest). It’s when my dopamine is high from life; it sends reminder signals to my brain that even more ‘happiness’ is possible in this moment, and I crave getting high.

I’ve had a great day. I’m on holiday. I craved worse than I’ve craved for months. The sort of craving that had me wondering if sobriety was even worth it. The thoughts of ‘you made it 6 months - you can regulate it now - one night is fine. Stope being so hard on yourself’. The usual devilish BS that keeps us hooked in the first place. There was a demon shaking the gates, testing how high I’d built my defence.

I was scrolling on Instagram and by the universe’s will, the ‘Nuggets’ short video came up. I haven’t seen it in ages which is why I knew it was a sign. And it reminded me of the hell I’ve been through. And how I’ve finally escaped it.

If you haven’t seen it, please go find it on YouTube. It’s the clip about a bird addicted to getting high. It shows you the highs and lows, the dependency, the grim and brutal transformation into a monster of itself. This is what smoking did to me. I’m not going back. But man am I grateful that post came up in my feed today!

Search for Nuggets on YouTube to watch it if you haven’t seen it, or need a reminder.

Spent the whole day hitting my friends nicotine vape today since I forgot my pack of cigarettes, went in his car and grabbed the wrong vape that looks identical to his weed vape and took a puff.

I feel a little high but I’m soo fucking pissed right now, I went through hell the last two weeks and my sleep finally stabilized.

Is this going to set me back?

Year long smoker, I used to vape constantly but I’ve since at least (I guess) moved to mostly edibles and flower. Everytime I quit I feel like my mind is racing at 100 miles per minute. I feel like I forget things constantly, I’m tripping over my words and unable to get my thoughts out. Not to mention I end up hyperfixating on something whenever I quit. Sometimes I’ll hyperfixate on a video game or horror movies, but sometimes I fixate on politics and holy shit I get so irritated and depressed. Like just hopeless. Anyway… I recently quit for 3 days but unfortunately just relapsed 🫠

But whenever I do relapse, I feel like I see what the problem is, I feel more empathetic and calm, cool, and collected. It’s like my biggest excuse for relapsing because I honestly act real miserable when I quit and I don’t want to be a miserable person lol

you can, too

Back on my journey but damn today feels really hard. It's not even the cravings I just feel really depleted, unmotivated, exhausted. Depression really hitting today but I'm just accepting it. I meditated and I'm going to just be easy on myself. I guess I'd rather feel like this than be stoned.

I'm 9 days into sobriety and while I feel good 90% of the time - much better than I did when on weed - I am insanely irritable. While I definitely do have a lot of anger in me already, withdrawal has supercharged it. My road rage is even worse than it was before and I can't lose a game of chess without completely losing my shit. It's so bad I've been close to punching holes in the wall and my monitor at times.

If you're wondering, I am in therapy. But man I hope this irritability eases up soon because I'm scared of losing control on the road. I actually did lose control of myself the other day while driving, and took a turn so aggressively that I hit the curb very hard. I was very very lucky not to have any car damage, as I am broke. But man how long before something really bad happens?

I quit weed about 5 months ago and I’ve kind of had mixed results. My life didn’t magically improve overnight but on the other hand after leaving it behind, I know I don’t ever want to become addicted to it again. Since quitting I’ve started dating someone and she’s training to be a primary school teacher. Needless to say she’s not into drugs at all or even drinking for that matter. I had already quit for a few months before I met her so imo it didn’t seem necessary to mention that I used to smoke a lot of weed. Anyways this roommate was living with me throughout my deepest point of addiction and he’s more or less still at that point (can’t sleep without smoking spends >$100 on it p/w etc). We’re all in our early 20’s and our house is a stereotypical aussie sharehouse but this one feature of the omnipresent unwashed bong just really annoys me. I do feel bad though because I feel like I’m kind of moving the goal posts on him. It wasn’t that long ago that I would get home after work and take a rip from this same disgusting communal bong. My girlfriend has only visited a handful of times so far but each time I had to hide this bong of his because he just leaves it on our communal table all day and I figured that was easier than leaving it there and having to explain that this drug paraphernalia wasn’t mine. He leaves it on our communal table out on the patio so at least it isn’t smoking the whole house out but at this point I’d rather compromise and just tell him to smoke in his room because he’s the only one who smokes weed in our house anymore and I’m sick of worrying about being associated with it. Yeah bit of a waffle but has anyone else dealt with resistance on a similar issue? I’ve spoken to him about this before and he’ll take my advice for a few days but then just eventually go back to carelessly leaving this thing out in the open.

Hey everyone, I realized today I am one year from the week that I stopped smoking. I'd like to share my story.

Pop culture makes us believe weed isn't a problem, it isn't a real drug, it's not addictive, and we can smoke all day everyday and still be on top of our game. That it will fix our anxiety, depression, anything thing we want. I don't know where that idea started, but it's not true, it's a lie.

For years I knew I needed to stop. I knew it was bad, I knew I was addicted. It made me feel like shit, ruin my relationships, all my money, school, work, everything. My lowest point I look back to was the last night I saw my dad. We had dinner and he asked us if we wanted to go to a movie after. I said no because I wanted to go home and smoke. He died two days later, and I still feel like a fucking loser that instead of spending a few more hours with my dad, I went home to smoke a gross bong. That was 2019. And I still went on six years after that.

My entire life was driven by when was the next time I could go home to smoke. I'd throw up and take another hit. I'd be doing a delivery at work and stop home to take a hit. I drove through a flashflood to pick up. Sold my savings. Everything. Somehow I went from trying it at age 17 to being a full blown weed addict. I looked around and everyone had moved on. Got real jobs, stopped smoking weed. I was 29 and still posting videos online of myself smoking, thinking the coolest thing in the world was being a stoner. As I knew it, I was nothing without weed.

I looked at the addicts around me, or in my family. Their addiction was fucking up their job, family, health, money, school etc. Weed was fucking me up too. I realized I wasn't any better or different than them. I wasn't better because mine was weed and theirs was alcohol or a "hard" drug. I also had some extremely shameful and disgusting moments. I had a box of mersh from the yard on the floor for when I ran out of the other stuff. The male cat sprayed in the box. I still used it. When I would get home for the day and needed to use the bathroom, I wouldn't until after I smoked, causing me to pee in my pants.

I have epilepsy, which I have always used as an excuse to keep smoking, even though it does nothing for my seizures, and the amount of smoke I was inhaling was very dangerous for epilepsy. Last year, I overdosed on a different medication, and had some really bad painful seizures. I was terrified that if I smoked again it would cause a seizure and I would die. I got an okay from my Dr to use marijuana, and tried again. I was so excited but it didn't make me feel good, like I used to. My heart beat so fast for hours. I laid in bed, crying, ridden with anxiety, feeling like a loser and how much I put my family through with all my years of various drug abuse. I tried again, I couldn't sleep, triggering a seizure while I was cooking, and my mom found me on the floor, the pan burning my leg and meat sauce on my white shorts. The third time I smoked, before a family party, and I was so shaky I cancelled, and felt like a fucking loser again. Maybe edibles would be better this time. I was hanging out w my bf; I literally forgot his name, I was so scared, and that was the last time I was high.

It was weird how I tried to like it again and it hurt me. I kept trying and realized it wasn't going to be fun again. I realized I was a person outside of weed. I still have anxiety. I thought it was fixing my anxiety- I didn't know the anxiety it was fixing was withdrawals. Now when I have a bad day, I just have to deal. Somehow figure it out. Can't do shit about it other than wait and move on. I still crave it all the time. Everyday. I see people smoke and I'm like damn I wish I could feel that relief. A relief I know it doesn't give me. It's still the feeling, what if I try this time, will it be better? I'm not at risk of giving into my cravings, because I remember how bad physically and mentally it makes me feel.

I used to pray to God while I was taking a hit, God, will I be like this forever? Will I always feel like this? The answer was, no, I'm not like that forever, and I won't always feel like this. My deep addiction to weed and tobacco, and also dealing with the trauma of my dad's addiction brought me to Christian faith and a support group called Celebrate Recovery. My in person support group has been amazing. Life is so much better now than it was then. And it was fucking hard.

It took years and years, but there is an other side. I can actually do things without smoking weed now. It doesn't take over every hour of my life. I don't have to find an excuse to go home to smoke. I can go to the secondary location. I don't need to take a break at work to drive home to smoke.

Thank you for reading this. Twelve years of addiction is so much more than can ever be written down. I hope someone else is able to get to the other side too. We can. You can. It's hard, but it's worth it. You can and you will get out. I know what the bottom of that pit is like, and I'm so glad I'm out.

So I stopped cold Turkey 11th of this month. The first two weeks weren’t too bad. I’m 38 and have quit multiple times in the past. Last time I quit was from edibles and I noticed an immediate shift in mood but that went away.

This time I have been vaping high % medicinal everyday for 5 or so years. It feels completely different. In the last week or so I have had a sudden rush of crying episodes, I’m sleeping ok but when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m met with intense feelings of doom. On top of that my eczema has flared up to a point that I haven’t seen before and I’m increasingly worried it will get infected.

Has anyone had a delay in symptoms like this?

Im 49m and been smoking over 30 years.Yesterday my mum died and i feel awful for all the years i was numb and not present around her due to being high all the time.Ive had enough and just threw my weed down the toilet , im doing this for my mum and me.

Hello,

I was a decade long daily smoker

I made the choice to quit. I want to be clean.

It started off rough. Insomnia, headaches, irritability, mood swings.

Every where online tells me first few days are the worst

But its been getting worse not better with time. Sunday and Monday (day 4 and 5) my nights would end with me spontaneously feeling more tired than Id ever felt drspite it not even being that late. I was luckily able to get sleep last night but now its day 6 and I woke up feeling just as tired as the nigh before. Even worse I feel feverish, my face is red (from the internal heat), my heart rate is up, and I have the shakes. The timeliness I see online say I should be on the up and uo for physiological symptoms already? Have they just not considered how long term a user I was?

Any reassurance. Im scared. I dont plan to hit it again but I need to know if this is withdrawal or something else. Help

Hi everyone. Not a true redditor here but I hope this post is welcome. 30s, multiple oz a week smoker since over a decade ago. Searching for perspective or support or really any thoughts 🖤 MA has been very unhelpful, I've tried multiple times, so I have turned to a lovely corner of the internet that has helped me a couple of times before hoping for some sort of miracle I guess 😂

I've been smoking since moving away from home. I've been wanting to quit ever since I realized y'all, weed is addictive despite what we heard growing up and yes: I am addicted to it (realized in 2018...). I even moved to an illegal state hoping it would stop me, but it didn't help. I continually risked my status in the US on a daily basis living somewhere where any weed was a felony and I went about life smoking everywhere, driving around with many ounces on me on a regular basis. As if it didn't even matter (but truly it means absolutely everything to me which is why I am able to see how massive this problem is). It all feels totally out of my control. I say this as someone who's successfully got a handle on their drinking and smoking cigarettes, prescription habits ... Idk what it is, weed is just my biggest anchor and I can't fight it off. I can't succeed with it the way I have with other things in the past and I feel hopeless.

At first I got my med card and thought it was saving me, but somewhere along the line things did a 180 and now it's like I hit a pause button for half of my life and I look back and all I feel is regret and misery. Misery about my future. A future filled with getting high and missed opportunities . A future where life passes me by, then I'm dead, and I missed my entire life getting fucking high. It makes me devastated as a person who used to be so motivated, adventurous and committed to professional success and building a life for myself.

I don't know how to change my habits and can't remove myself from what is otherwise an enabling asf environment because I truly have no options. I know inside me, there is a strong person who can preserve without having to be totally avoidant to visual or scent triggers, but damn she must be buried in there deep. Idk if this is the kinda place I can come for support or even vague encouragement from strangers. Truth is, most days I feel things have gotten so out of hand and my brain is permanently dependent and I'm never going to be able to have a life without weed. Truthfully? This makes me so sad...even typing this sentence has my eyes welling up with tears. I feel embarrassed and I don't understand how I went from being the girl who never touched weed as a teenager to being....this. This barely-an-excuse-for-a-human with no life 😓.

I left my hometown and as soon as I did I realized how fucked my upbringing was (probably why when I was at home I was drinking most days in any given week). Started to remember things I blocked out for years. Started smoking to deal with anxiety that came with everything coming out. Well, it wasn't very long before I needed more and more to help curb my anxiety. Wasn't much longer after that when I realized it was actually making my anxiety and depression worse - no longer helping me. But I couldn't stop. Because somehow, I also feel worse every time I try to stop.

I'm not even sure what else to say. Maybe I'm just looking for hope.. perspective... Input or words of motivation from people who have been there. Is there hope? Will life ever look different?

I have lost most of my non smoker friends (incidentally not from my smoking). Most of my loved ones are dead - most recently only in the last year and a half. It has made me realize each day is a gift and maybe I've taken life for granted and need to change before I miss the few opportunities I have left. Still, I smoke...

I can't imagine leaving my new life behind and going back home, although living in the USA has been difficult for me (not talking politics - it's just very hard for me specifically to get stability due to a variety of bullshit personal circumstances). When I go home it's very easy for me to avoid smoking and commit to the idea of not having it. Weirdly easy, actually. But the minute I come back to where I live, where everyone and they mama smoke non-stop, it's just so normalized and it's impossible to get any support from anyone. It's just like they're all comfortable being high and broke 24/7 but I always envisioned a better life for myself than this.... It's killing me inside but fr I don't know what to do. I just feel helpless and would just love to hear from anyone who this maybe resonates with who has turned things around. I just need some hope. it's like shit got legalized in so many areas, then people who were avidly against it are now frequent users and my life with all those people in it has become an unfortunately enabling reality.

Financially and mentally, things are grim. I smoke to deal with mental health and medical issues but the truth is my smoking out of pocket is CAUSING me mental distress and delaying the medical stuff I need money to address. It's been over ten years of smoking daily almost all day with the exception of two 10 day periods throughout the entire decade. I'm truly the worst - idk if anyone has ever smoked more weed than me and it makes me feel disgusted in myself to even think about the money spent, the time wasted....

Is there anything, anyone, might be able to say to convince me this isn't just the bed I made for myself? How life will be forever? I don't want to spend my life without having connection with my loved ones, not building a life, never growing, never owning anything and barely getting by. Having panic attacks when I look at my bank accounts everyday, unsure how I'm going to be able to put gas in my vehicle or even pay for a non expired ID. Keeping it real; my life has gotten really pathetic and truly it's my fault - I know that. But this way of life is killing me but I guess the truth is I'm fucking weak.. I need people who even indirectly, I can know are there to hype up this sobriety journey. Only knowing people who don't give a fuck and don't see any issues is honestly making me so confused and lonely feeling. Like I'm just an alien in my new life and I can't find my people 😭

I stopped smoking after 19 years but only because we ran out and we don’t have the money for more. I tried legal alternatives but those are gone now too. It’s been like 2 weeks. My family’s financial situation is rough. I looked up a psychiatrist but we can’t afford it, our insurance sucks. It feels like I have suicidal ideation maybe. Like no plan, but I hate myself and my life and I don’t like being here anymore. I hate my job and waking up. I hate being bothered for sex from my spouse. I hate being touched by my toddler. I hate my boss and everyone who needs anything from me. I just hate functioning and I don’t want to do any of it anymore. Every negative interaction becomes rumination. I feel like no one cares about me or my needs and everyone just wants something from me. I’m exhausted. I hate the way motherhood the second time has changed my brain function and my capacity to be myself and even the mom I was before to my first child. I just want everything to be over. Which then makes me hate myself more. Like I’m a terrible mom for thinking that. I feel terrible for having such a shittty financial situation and bad insurance where I can’t even get help to be medicated or even have therapy regularly. Last time I tried to book a therapist it’s $245 with my insurance. Is this just the weed? I’m also sorry I am even asking for help..

Edited for typos.