r/leaves • u/dr_capricorn • 4h ago
Struggling
I stopped smoking after 19 years but only because we ran out and we don’t have the money for more. I tried legal alternatives but those are gone now too. It’s been like 2 weeks. My family’s financial situation is rough. I looked up a psychiatrist but we can’t afford it, our insurance sucks. It feels like I have suicidal ideation maybe. Like no plan, but I hate myself and my life and I don’t like being here anymore. I hate my job and waking up. I hate being bothered for sex from my spouse. I hate being touched by my toddler. I hate my boss and everyone who needs anything from me. I just hate functioning and I don’t want to do any of it anymore. Every negative interaction becomes rumination. I feel like no one cares about me or my needs and everyone just wants something from me. I’m exhausted. I hate the way motherhood the second time has changed my brain function and my capacity to be myself and even the mom I was before to my first child. I just want everything to be over. Which then makes me hate myself more. Like I’m a terrible mom for thinking that. I feel terrible for having such a shittty financial situation and bad insurance where I can’t even get help to be medicated or even have therapy regularly. Last time I tried to book a therapist it’s $245 with my insurance. Is this just the weed? I’m also sorry I am even asking for help..
Edited for typos.
1
u/PotatoLover1014 4h ago
Never apologize for asking for help. I’m sorry you’re going through hell lately. I don’t have much advice really but I just wanted you to know that I see you and absolutely sympathize with how you’re feeling. I joined this community very recently and reading through all these stories has helped me feel understood better. From what I know and have seen, getting started as usually the biggest hurdle. There’s been some incredibly insightful suggestions and advice from others here so I hope someone comes along that can share something that resonates with you with you more. Hugs!
2
u/ExpensivePop1523 4h ago
That's heavy stuff to carry, and you're not terrible for feeling crushed under it. The weed withdrawal is definitely amplifying everything but it's not the whole story, two weeks in your brain is still rewiring its dopamine system and that makes every piece of shit in your life feel like the end of the world
The touch thing with the toddler and spouse while you're in this state is so real. When you're completely depleted, anyone needing your body is like one more withdrawal from an empty account
$245 a session is a sick joke. Some therapists do sliding scale outside insurance, worth asking around. Also peer support groups are usually free and sometimes just being in a room with people who get it takes the edge off the spiral
0
u/pleaseeatmyass101 4h ago
im sorry youre currently experiencing this. I am currently on day 7 no weed and the mental gymnastics our brains play is evil. I agree that the withdrawals are most likely heightening your feelings, but there is more digging to find the root cause.
Therapy is wildly expensive yes, but worth it when you find the right one. I hope one day youre able to comfortably explore this option.
Try and scour youtube for some anxiety relief content, or watch a comfort show.
(also you are not a terrible mother for wanting space. you're as human as any of us, and these feelings too shall pass eventually as all things do ♥️)