"On Friday it will be 10 weeks since I lost the relationship with the love of my life.

Honestly, I'm broken. I struggle to wake up, to sleep. I struggle to eat and to drink. I just sit down on the floor all day leaning against the wall, head in my hands and sobbing. I have been having therapy, counselling, medications. I have spoken to the GP, samaratins, NHS crisis team. I have been referred to the Primary Care MH team, as well as a mental health charity and a wellbeing service.

I am trying so hard to be better, to move forward with my life. But nothing is working. I even got a new job too just to try and do something positive. But my mental health is playing havoc with it.

What the fuck do I do? My mind is permanently fixated on her. All I want to do is reach out and call her, beg for forgiveness and reconciliation. And I can't do that because I literally have police terms preventing it. Despite all of it i just want to tell her I love her. And that miss the life I had with her and her children. But I wont, I will honour the law and respect her wishes. All I want is for her to be happy, even if it comes at the expense of my own sanity.

I don't care even if the police see this, my life is over anyway. There is no future to ruin. She was my everything, my penguine soul mate to give my pebble too, and now, she is gone. And I know I may never stop loving her.

And it scares me. What can you do when even threats of police action doesn't stop the voices in your head? "

I was just thinking about life and this question popped into my head. If you found out today was your last day, would you spend it with family, try to fix old mistakes, or just do something crazy? Curious to hear how others would approach it.

The fact that we can't escape death is very terrifying. I am just hit existential crisis that we all will be gone within this century and we are permanently deleted from cosmic computer like factory reset. This happens with our great grandfather generations like in 12th century, 13th, 14th, 15th century people all are reset from cosmic computer.

Then new set of people come and they all become dust powder and then again deleted factory reset. Then again dust powder. It's very terrifying and if we try to find a solution to this problem of death, it seems like unfixable problem.

Like even Elon Musk said that death is a fixable and reversible process but somehow if we increase our telomere and have length, there are still cosmic events waiting for us like sun will explode, sun will lose its fuel within billions year and Earth is swallowed, it will swallow Earth and other planet Mercury, Venus, Jupiter. So cosmos make sure that death remain unfixable problem.

At the end some creature jellyfish and amoeba are immortal but they are not immortal in sense because when that cosmic event happens, they also died from injury. In this way at the end it's we all are heading towards becoming dust powder. We will treat everyone with great pity and respect because we all are in the same boat.

Positive only, no negative darkness!

I mean, do they have strict, prim and proper sex, too? lol

Or do they get all kinky, filthy, dirty, and depraved as well? lol

All the really strict, prim and proper people that you know of- have you ever imagined how they have sex and end up with kids?

Behind closed doors, what are they like?

Like thinking you’re not good enough, overthinking everything, or feeling like you have to get your life together before you can be happy.

Did you ever manage to change that mindset?

My very good work friend will be on vacation for a week so that means I will be alone most of the time from my work and even during breaks. Also anxiety kicks in since I have no one to talk to during our work tasks since she’s not around (I don’t talk to other people unless they talk to me first lol).

Do you also get the same anxiety as mine?

Having a work friend really makes it bearable.

Share your optimistic imagination about your brand new life

Hello 👋 I am a very complicated person in a very interesting part of my life.

To make it easy, basically I suffer from chronic pain and from lifelong depressive episodes.

I have had intense periods of anhedonia where I could not taste tastes or smell smells, it was all rot.

I have had days unable to crawl out of bed spent trying to sleep and ideating you know what.

Over time I've started meditating daily and particularly I meditate on my pleasure and enjoyment in the present moment. I am very attached to anything that makes me feel good, so in meditation I intentionally let go of the parts of my experience that I feel make it worthwhile.

I experience extreme pain when I decide to stop running from the undesirable feelings, and I experience a deep freedom when I let the goodness in my life fall through my fingertips.

I see a complete structure in attachment, death, destruction, change, agony, bliss. But the only way for me to make peace with it is to detach from my feelings in a rather extreme way.

Am I just coping with depression and unresolved medical issues or am I freeing myself from something most people never become free of?

I feel as though the amount of freedom I can attain in meditation is greater than anything I can possibly encounter.

It makes me want to renunciate everything and live more as a monk. I don't have any real duties or purposes other than to myself.

I have already lost the things that could be worth attaching to. I don't have friends, I have never been able to form a long term relationship. I have no kids no job no pets no nothing just a family that doesn't need me.

It's so weird for me because if you look at my life it looks awful, but I feel genuinely calm. No constant chattering voice in my head, no pain in my back that forces me to do anything, just presence in pain.

I feel fine continuing like this until I die. I don't need anything else anymore. Drinking water when I'm dehydrated and eating food when my stomach screams in pain is more than enough for me.

I think prison would be a nice place, there is no freedom to take from me anyway.

Is this detachment freedom?

Personally I’d like to know both - but I’d pick date over cause.

The kind of thing that starts with "I could fix that in 20 minutes" and ends 3 weekends later with new tools, 6 browser tabs, and a working knowledge of something you previously knew nothing about.

What were you trying to fix, how far did you take it, and was the result actually worth the effort?