i don't even know how to structure all this maybe it will just be more of a throwing my thoughts out on text then anything so bare with me XD
i'm m21, I know i've always been gay there's never been any doubt about it but even still i dated girls and went out to clubs with them just to keep up the illusion for everyone else but in reality I've always known.
Unfortunately with the people in my life I could never be openly gay I would lose everything and everyone I love. I grew up without any family so my brothers who i grew up with in foster care are the loves of my life they have always been and always will be my brothers because we have a connection that nobody else could ever understand and I would never want to lose them but I know they are very homophobic and they would reject me if they ever found out.
Like with all due respect to anyone else but I am really not into the pride parades and rainbows and politics and the talking and acting that certain way like I just want to continue living my life the way it is and find a lad i could just watch ufc and football with play call of duty and other stupid video games talk normally and just be in love with and enjoy simple things in life but it feels like it's just impossible.
Sometimes when i'm out a lad might hit on me and i always have to push them away especially when my mates are with me but no other feeling ever makes my heart race and feel butterflies in my stomach so strong and it sucks to think I can't pursue the life I really want.
I know people would say "oh your brothers if they really loved you wouldn't care" etc etc and really I don't agree with their opinions or beliefs but i know i can't change that and it's not worth me losing them just for the chance to maybe be with 1 lad that i might love in the future it's like i have to sacrifice them or the other.
And also i think most gay men (ironically like straight men) are literally only into hook ups and one night stands and like that is not at all what i want i want to find a lad who loves me for who i am and we can just enjoy life together for what it really is with a bit of romance but that alone feels impossible to find in today's world so Im staying so far away from grindr and all those stupid "dating" apps but like I wouldn't even know where i could find someone in the first place and sometimes i toy with the idea of like having a secret boyfriend but it doesn't even feel worth it just knowing it will probably have to end at some stage or I couldn't keep doing it forever and i would never want to lead someone on if i didn't think i could commit or make things work.
I've heard people talk about how so many "straight" men are closeted gay and like I know for a fact i'm 1 and it's crazy for me to think because i know nobody would ever believe it in my life sometimes it's funny but it's also pretty sad i wish in a different timeline or parallel universe i could just be allowed to love who i want and keep everyone i already love in my life as well.
I think im just putting this out there because i want to hear from any other lads who might be or was in this situation and what is going on or happened because like I always really want to talk about this with literally anyone but i could never open up about this to anyone i have in my life so i guess im resorting to the internet now lol
anyways thanks for reading love you all enjoy life stay safe :) <3