i grew up in a family with an abusive mother. me, my brother, my father all went through her abuse and because of my disability, i still live with my father. i plan to move out eventually but its just taking a lot more time than i would like, and you know how housing prices are right now. its just i am so sick of living with two traumatised people who always blame my reaction when im upset. my mother would shout, hit, pull hair, use me and my brother as her own personal therapists. but the problem is i get compared to her constantly for just feeling anger and it showing in my body. i get called intimidating and aggressive when i am rightfully upset about something.
this morning i found out my dog had eaten a bunch of pumpkin seeds i saved from pumpkins i grew this year. it was something i really cared about, and after years of failed pumpkin plants and adjustments, i finally grew two pumpkins. i used them for cooking and saved the seeds, putting them on a towel on a plate on the counter where i thought the dog couldnt get them, and he got them anyway. when i found out i was furious, i frantically searched for them everywhere, and i was swearing and asking everyone questions to try and figure out what happened. the thing is i know there is nothing i can do in this situation. punishing the dog doesnt do anything, i cant blame my family and i cant blame myself either. i wasnt being angry in anyones direction, i was just angry and really, really upset. i felt powerless.
but immediately the focus was on how i was intimidating and threatening. there was no comfort for what i had just lost, there was no attempt at understanding, and this happens every single time. the focus is always on my reaction to the way im being treated or the bad thing that has happened to me, even when its my dad or brother who has actually done something to wrong me. my brother has upset outbursts all the time and no one bats an eye. i argued that with my dad and he said it wasnt okay either, but hes never once gotten onto my brother about it. i personally dont care so long as its not aimed at me or the others around me. i can understand his frustration sometimes, and as much as i get scared or upset about it, i also know thats a trauma response, and him being generally frustrated about dropping his food or accidentally breaking a plate means nothing about me. its just when i do anything along those lines, immediately im compared to my mother.
as much as i want to be able to manage my anger, and ive done a lot of work on that since cutting off my mother, i think theres a limit here. i dont want to get into the territory or just blindly being enraged, but i also know how unhealthy it can be to suppress all my anger like i have in the past. but i also dont see my anger from an outside perspective. i may not notice when im acting aggressive towards others. how much anger is reasonable to feel and express? what does healthy anger actually look like?