So, I got sober today. I feel like the scene in The Matrix when Neo woke up in the pod and unplugged himself from the Matrix. I feel like for me, my recovery is about choosing reality over escapism.

Today, I picked facing my emotions head-on instead of numbing them with alcohol. I'm the first alcoholic on both sides of my family; they think this is an easy thing to do. But for me, it took a lot of effort. I feel like I had a small victory today. Just for today, I won.

IWNDWYT!

Have been blessed to have had some success with long-term sobriety .There are no secrets friends, don't drink and on the bad days hit the bed early. I wish everyone that is trying to stay sober much success and am proud of all of us. We have tremendous courage to even attempt this journey..

That’s it. It’s a simple fact. Early sobriety, was hard. It was full of withdrawal symptoms. I’d sweat through the sheets each night for several weeks. I was always dizzy with a headache. My liver hurt. My body felt like I had the aches from the flu. Gradually things improved, except sleep. I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours in a night for over 3 months.

I tried doing things to stay busy. I couldn’t, I was just too tired, sick, whatever it was, I felt like crap. I remember trying to mow my lawn. I made it about a quarter of the way and left the lawn mower sitting there for 3 days before I got back to try again.

Meanwhile, I sat with it all. I just sat there, feeling. Emotionally feeling, physically feeling, crying, angry, simultaneously feeling like I crossed into some new universe because I wasn’t drunk. I sat just sat there.

I encourage you to do the same if you can. Take a minute. Sit with your shit. Just sit and feel it all. Then, know for a fact, all of those feelings are real and they’re okay. You’re not meant to be perfect. We all have “shit” to sit with. Breathe deep, feel your body, emotions, be human.

Sit with your shit. It’s going to be okay.

As much as I want to, I know that this devil will trick me for tonight and take away my tomorrow. As uncomfortable as this reality is, I have to fight it and keep moving forward.

Drinking hasn’t brought me shit and hasn’t done shit for anyone around me. Like other distractions, it just puts a brief pause on the suffering.

That pause is poison. There are healthier ways to pause life and escape. I will go on a run today

All right y’all. I’m a little over 24 hours without a drink and am committing to finally really getting sober. I have no way to stay accountable otherwise so this is my official statement to myself that it’s time.

I got out of rehab last month and immediately relapsed. That just led me to rotting in depressive binge drinking for weeks. I was finally able to resist to drink all day today and know I need to do it right.

I also want to track my symptoms to also help anyone else, so I’ll give my 24 hour log now and then update every 12ish hours after this.

24 hours:
- I feel absolutely awful. Cold sweats, I’ve been vomiting all day, even with just having water.
- I was able to break out of it for a bit and was able to shower and go on a short walk. The walk made me feel like I needed to pass out and I came home and threw up.
- This morning I blew a 0.01 BAC. Just took another breathalyzer and am down to 0.0 BAC.
- throughout the day I’ve been able to keep in contact with people, it seems to help to talk.
- I’m extremely scared to sleep. I’m keeping my phone nearby in case I feel as if I need to go into the ER. It doesn’t feel that bad right now, so I think a lot of that is the paranoia after reading through withdrawal threads.

I’ll update in the comments tomorrow ig! Lets home tonight is safe and sober.

Friday will be one month since my mom called me from the hospital morgue. I was heading out the door for work, my phone rang, and my mom explained what happened. My 44 year old sister had felt sick the past couple days, came into my parents' bedroom early in the morning complaining of dizziness, and asked them to call 911. My parents left the room for a couple minutes, and when they came back, my sister was unconscious. My dad did CPR until EMS got there, and they and the doctors at the hospital tried everything they could, but she was gone.

The belief is that she died of a pulmonary embolism, although my parents didn't have the autopsy results when I was home for the memorial service a couple of weeks ago. I've been delaying asking for confirmation on what the cause was.

But what I do know is that my sister was trying to detox at home without medical supervision. She's been an alcoholic since her first sip of beer in high school. At every point in her adult life, alcohol was the biggest hurdle preventing her from being healthy and happy. She was living at home, despite my parents having kicked her out a year prior. She had lived in one friend's basement until his son found her passed out in her own urine one morning. She lived with another friend from rehab until he found her alcohol stash and relapsed himself. She was sleeping in her car for a few weeks, and when she asked my mom if she could come in and do some laundry, my mom saw the state she was in and let her sleep on the couch, which eventually turned into her living there full-time again.

My sister was very good at hiding her drinking from my parents. They paid for her to medical detox at least a dozen times, sent her to rehab even more than that, but my sister always went back to alcohol as soon as she could.

The week she died, my dad caught her sneaking alcohol into the house. She liked tequila nippers because she could buy a 12 pack of them, hide them, and for some reason my parents couldn't smell it on her (possibly also due to the fact that she was a heavy smoker and stopped showering regularly these last couple years, so the cigarettes and body odor masked the tequila). My dad asked her "Did you want to get caught?" and she answered "Yeah, I think so". Then she tried to stop cold turkey, and a few days later she was dead.

My sister was the one who introduced me to alcohol back in high school. When she graduated, skipped college to become a bartender, and moved out of the house, I loved going to her place on the weekends to get drunk. I partied with her friends, who always marveled at the fact that she could drink anyone under the table.

I stopped having fun drinking with her when I was in college, and she got into a car wreck while drunk enough that she shouldn't have even been conscious. They used the jaws of life to pry her out of her vehicle and she needed to have her spleen removed. I thought that would be her rock bottom, but it wasn't. She got sober until she was done with the legal fallout from her DUI, then started 'moderating' again.

There was a four year period where she was sober and it felt like I got my big sister back. She got a certification, started working full-time in an office, and even got married. Then she went back to drinking, and lost all of that.

I had to pretty much cut her off the last couple years. I've dealt with my own problems with alcohol, but never to that extent. When I stopped drinking last August, I simply put the beer down one day and said "Enough". No detox, rehab, meetings, etc, and no noticeable withdrawal symptoms. I used to consider my sister a barometer for my own alcoholism, thinking that as long as I wasn't as bad as her, I was ok. It wasn't until my recent run of sobriety that I realized that this was the wrong way to look at it, and that everyone's journey with alcohol is different.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt for these last few months. I didn't answer her texts, because she was usually drunk when she sent them, and some of what she said scared me. She kept asking me to come home to visit, but the truth was that I didn't want to - and she was the sole reason. I resented her because I felt like she expected my parents to take care of her and clean up her messes until they died, rather than allow them to enjoy their retirement. And every time I wanted to call one of my parents and tell them I was struggling, with alcohol, anxiety, depression, money, I held off. I felt like she was enough of a burden on them, and they didn't need another adult child to worry about.

I didn't even tell her I stopped drinking. I didn't want her to feel like we were sober buddies, or I could be her support system. I just wanted her to give enough of a shit about her life to get it together. I was waiting for a day that never came.

I've had a couple points in the last year where I wanted to start drinking again, most recently two months ago around my birthday. I felt like my life hadn't moved forward in any positive way since I quit alcohol, and missed having fun with friends on the weekends. I'm a very boring person without alcohol, and often miss the rush I would get to write, create art, or do something interesting when I was a few beers deep. Now, I just feel blah most of the time.

But despite this, I've stayed away from alcohol. As much as I've wanted to buy some beer to help quiet the pain I'm feeling from my sister's passing, I know that it'll only delay me from processing this grief - and the grief is heavy. Since my sister's passing, I feel more steadfast in my decision to remain alcohol free for the rest of my life. I'm close to cutting out weed as well - I haven't smoked any in two days, and in the past week, have smoked less in that time than I usually would in a single day.

I'm not good at finding stopping points, so I'll stop here. I just despise alcohol for what it took from my sister, from me, from my family, and from so many of the people on this sub and out in the world. I'm grateful that I haven't gone back to drinking, and hope I never do, although I know I'm always one bad decision away from restarting that cycle. I miss my sister so much it hurts, but I'm not ready to join her yet.

IWNDWYT

Can I get a hell yeah? 🤘😈🤘

Two weekends ago I got blackout at a concert with my boyfriend and our good friend. I havent blacked out in a really long time. I lost nearly 3 hours. Honestly im still reeling.

Its friday night, I was planning on sipping one over priced venue beer and being back home by midnight. Thats not what happened. Some social stress arose and Id had 2 beers instead an hour in and 5 by the end of the night. my memory stops at 3 beers. Evidently then I was drunk and rowdy and being super awful to my boyfriend. We've been together 2.5 years. The whole relationship was built on trust, communication, and consent. Hes never drank in his life for real. I ruined everything.

I got the "we need to talk about last night" waking nightmare text. Over the next few days I found out from him that I kept smacking his ass and kept trying to pick him up and grab him and just in general being a problem. He said this went on for the rest of the show. he didnt think he needed to tell me verbally to stop, and he said he responded by shoving me away from him repeatedly. On the way out of the venue I poked him in the bhole and giggled about it. His therapist said that's sexual assault.

I feel horrible. I loved him so much and i made him feel so unsafe, all for shitty over priced beer. I was completely blacked out, I remember none of this, and it was such a horrible swing to go from feeling so in love to realizing id done this to him.

We dont live near each other or the city. I drove separately, he said he had no idea that I was drunk and left me to walk back to my car while he and our friend headed home. I fucking drove myself home. I dont remember getting to my car. I dont remember getting out of detroit. I remember merging onto the highway. Im so disappointed in myself.

I woke up in my own home, wallet, keys, car everything. I had finger print bruises on my upper arms where at some point someone grabbed me up good, but otherwise fine. not even a hangover, which is nuts bc hangovers after 30 are usually really mean.

Obviously my relationship ended yesterday bc of the fallout from this. I thought id finished my problematic drinking days when I stopped binging in my 20s. That was delusion. I have no brakes once i start. Not one part of me ever says "okay, enough" only "one more?"

I cant be playing with fire like this. I made a complete and utter mess of things and I am very lucky it wasn't worse. im 12 days sober. Looking forward to never feeling this shit again.

Edit: firstly. Thank you all so much. Im still processing a lot, and the perspective is super helpful. I understand this is a lot about my ex, which i now am seeing yeah he really didnt show up for my wellbeing here, but the reason im here is bc of my own choices regarding alcohol. I made the choice to drink, I made the choice to drive home, blacked out or nah that was still me making really really bad choices. I was counting on my people to look out for me like I looked out for them, and they didnt, which sucks, but I drove drunk, they didn't, not even my friend. He drove her home. They made the safe choices, i didn't.

I did it, I have made it to 1 year Sober. Mind is sitting heavy with the reflections of change over my family dynamics and building of healthy relationships. Just wnated to share that it is possible and taking it one day at a time helps!

Can’t believe I did it. I was a heavy drinker for years. 2 years ago my health was in the toilet, neuropathy in hands and feet, 305 lbs, hung over all the time, foggy, lazy, etc. Today I am clear headed and heathy, 175 lbs, neuropathy cleared up, blood work is great, life is good!

Heavy drinker for a decade. My wife left the house my 2 months ago because she couldn't handle my behavior anymore. Papers were signed 2 weeks later. Not open to reconciliation whatsoever. We bought a house together and she was so done with me she didn't want anything, just her stuff and to leave. We were supposed to raise a family here. Friends no longer want to associate with me.

I'm surprised I've been able to keep my job.

I'm on day 2 of not drinking.

When did you notice that the drinking/blackout related anxious and intrusive thoughts, guilt, shame quieted down?
Day 2 and it’s every second.

300 days without drinking after 30 years of drinking every day. Just wanna say thanks for all the support and to whoever created this place and everyone who keeps it going. Even though I’m still learning, I appreciate the opportunity to support others who were struggling in the beginning like me.

Yesterday was my 1,000th day free from alcohol. I can't believe I've gotten to this point.

Before I quit drinking, seeing posts like this, people celebrating sober milestones, used to make me so sad. I'd read these and feel like such a loser - here are people celebrating years and I couldn't even make it a month, a week, even a day without caving to alcohol. It might as well have been climbing 1,000 Mt. Everests.

But I kept reading here, every day. Even though I didn't believe at the time I'd never be able to stop, knowing others were struggling in the same way I was helped just enough to help and I was finally able to start adding days together, and now I've gotten to 1,000.

I just wanted to share this with someone, and maybe offer some encouragement to anyone who thinks they'll never get here. ❤️

First time in my life i reach this milestone !!!! 100 day before if was always 60 - 70 and fail then again same proces soberity and fail...

Today i am glad to share this with you. Thank you all your story helping me a lot to stay sober and motivated !!!!! Thankssss.

I keep checking the date because NEVER in a million years would I have thought I’d have three years sober from alcohol.
Has my life been easier? Hell no. Especially living with Stage 4 MBC. But for the first time, I gave myself the opportunity to do something better for myself. Instead of numbing everything I was feeling, I allowed myself to actually feel it. And somewhere along the way, I finally began to heal.
Sobriety didn’t make my life easier, but it gave me the opportunity to experience my life without running away from it.
Three years later, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
IWNDWYT ❤️

Hi friends. I am still pretty new here, but having read your posts every day for like a week now I realized how helpful hearing other people’s stories has been. This happened a few months ago. Sorry it’s long, TL;DR at the end.

A short bit of background.. my husband and I have been drinking together our entire 21 yr relationship. We drank like 3-7 nights a week, large amounts of hard liquor or high % tall cans. The past year or so we had been going especially hard, he works from home and I’m a SAHM. We’re in our early 40s with 3 kids that are no longer babies. We’ve had many MANY a problematic drinking event under our belts over the years as you can imagine. Still never stopped us though, sadly.

On July 1, our family of 5, plus my mom and brother, took a trip out to Europe. My bro and mom had flown out several days ahead of us, then we met up at an AirBnB in Paris.

July 4th, we had a lovely day exploring and adventuring. 4 of us shared two bottles of wine with dinner. I was feeling pretty warm and fuzzy and ready to tuck in for the night, it was prob like 10pm. But then my man’s essentially like “it’s 4th of July, we’re in Paris, let’s go party a little”. We got ready real quick, said goodnight to the kids, and off he and I went.

We found a bar not too far away, it was hopping, the World Cup was on, the only spot available to us was a shared space next to 3 people, a couple and their friend. Husband sent me in to buy a round of shots for us all to bring to that table so we could settle in without being awkward. It was well-received, they spoke great English and we had a super fun time chatting with those folks. Learning French cuss words, cheering on the game, smoking way too many cigarettes (we quit those many years ago), taking turns buying rounds of shots, sharing stories. It was a total blast! So much fun that they actually invited us to their flat for more drinks after the bar closed. We walked for what seemed like a short bit and landed at their pad. I think we had another round of shots, then we sat at a table where they tried to teach us a new card game.

This is where things get fuzzy and I quit remebering so good. The story goes.. I stood up and started trying to walk to the bathroom and ended up folding over and face planting into their bookshelf. I get up and turn around and there’s blood pouring out of my nose. They sit me down with a rag and get the bleeding to stop. One of the guys calls us an uber. Uber gets there and the guy argues with the driver to please allow me to get in the car becuase he did not want to give me a ride AT ALL. Driver agrees finally as long as dude comes with us. I try to escape the vehicle several times and start saying mean things to my husband. We pull up to the BnB, I get out of the car and start beelining it in the opposite direction of the place. My husband chases after me and tries to get me to come back with him. I start screaming at him and trying to hit/kick him. I fall to the ground. He tries to throw me over his shoulder. We both go down. I get up and try to run away again. He wrangles me towards the door to get me inside. We are making a huge commotion and it wakes up my mom and brother who are in shock as my husband throws me on the couch. I try to get up. He shoves me back down. I try to get up again. He shoves me back down. This happens a few more times and my mom and bro are like dude stop. So he takes off. My mom sits next to me and tries to keep me there. I’m yelling that I hate her, that I hate all of them, to just leave me alone to die, and other such horrible things that of course I don’t mean. Eventually she lets me go. The sun is well up by now, I try to leave with bare feet but my brother follows me with my shoes and gets me to put them on. We walk around a nearby park and I talk a bunch of shit. We get back and I collapse in a heap and sleep/barf the whole day while my husband watches the kids. Evening rolls around and my mom and bro come back from their day out and my mom just absolutely tears into my husband because I’m still laying in bed dead to the world dehydrated and looking/feeling like I got hit by a truck. She expresses how the whole event was traumatic for her to watch. They finally help get me to the shower and my body is beat to shit, bruises and swelling on my head, face, arms, and legs. I look a whole mess. The rest of the trip was really hard. Walked around the whole of Paris with my bustedass face and body, I was in so much pain and looked rough.

The day after my day in bed was the 6th of July. My mom and brother and I walked to the cemetery that I had on my list of places to check out. They sat me down in the middle of the cemetery and expressed their feelings about my drinking. How they’re afraid I’m gonna die. How they can’t watch me destroy myself anymore. And other such heartbreaking things to hear. I sat there and listened and cried. They didn’t tell me anything I hadn’t already been telling myself or that I knew they were probably thinking, but it was really upsetting to hear the sadness and desperation in their voices. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and broken down.

With that heavy shame bearing down on me I decided I was gonna quit drinking then and there. But I didn’t want to just say that and have them think I was just saying to to get them off my back. I wanted to do it and mean it. It had been a long time in coming. So I’m doing it. I have not drank since. Surprisingly, neither has my husband. That has been very helpful in me hanging in there with this whole not drinking thing.

The day after we got home our beloved family pet suddenly died. He was my little shadow, my soul creature, he was only 7. Watching him die broke something in me. It’s like he waited for us to come back to kick the bucket. Devastating. And since that day in Paris I have not felt well and have had to undergo a bunch of health testing. It has been tough but I guess I’m tougher becuase I’m still not drinking. Things have been a lot better around here without the booze though. Everyone is doing better because of it.

I will not drink with you today.

TL;DR.. I have had a problematic relationship with alcohol most of my life. Went recently on a family trip to Europe where I partied too hard on the 4th of July and could have landed myself in a foreign hospital or jail or worse. Traumatized my mom and brother, tried to hurt my husband, and got banged up really bad. Embarrassed myself in front of new friends, tried to run off while barefoot and blackout. Got an intervention in the middle of a famous cemetery. Haven’t drank since even though my favorite cat died when we got back home and also I’ve felt like I got hit by a truck every day since that day. Life has been better without the booze though and I’m glad we’re sticking with it.

730 days.

I made it to 2 years sober, if i can do it, anyone can, there is nothing special about me.

I found working a program of recovery through AA and CA (albeit not perfectly in any way) worked for me, it got me sober and staying sober.

I'm not saying it's the only way or the way for anyone else, just that it worked, it clicked for me.

I found a few people who I trusted & believed when they said they were sober, and I trusted and believed that working a program was how they did it.

I stuck close to those with a quality of sobriety I wanted.

I avoided the preachers & weirdos, or distanced myself as soon as I saw behind the mask.

I stick to:

* Rule number 1: I dont drink or use, no matter what.

* I don't need or want everybody to like me, or to like everybody.

* I try my best to stay ultimately & brutally honest (what would a CCTV video show) with myself and others, even when uncomfortable.

Just like 1 year, it feels a little anticlimactic tbh but that's ok, its just another day of staying sober and trying not to be a piece of shit.

I still try to remember that when i was working on my first day, week, month, that not drinking/ using seemed remarkable and miraculous and it is still remarkable and miraculous now.

* "Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot."

Peace and blessings

IWNDWYT

So… about two weeks ago, I got blackout drunk for the first time. I was having a rough day (friend’s dad got deported) and my own parents were fighting. Ended up pulling up to a party already drunk and took a guy home in front of two of my coworkers. i felt shit about it the next morning because i dont really do hookups and even though it was enjoyable, it felt like a bad move in front of my coworkers. they laughed it off and so i chose to as well.

fast forward this past weekend, i hung out with one of those same coworkers + another coworker who is my age. i ended up drinking way too much, talking about my sex life, and i *THINK* i also made a pass on the younger coworker (we are both 24) on our walk home. i’m not entirely sure but something led me to split ways with him prematurely and i ended up getting lost in the rain for 3+ hours. Older coworker who was still out happened to find me out wandering at 4am /:. safe to say this whole thing has been a big low in my life.

the past few days have been awkward and i feel ashamed any time i’m around my same-aged coworker. IDK what i said to him but i have a feeling i said something because i have a memory of him and i holding hands, though i know when we’re both sober we dont have anything going between us. genuinely idk if this means i have a problem with drinking or if i should pace myself going forward, if i should address anything with my coworker, or what. hes a pretty big shit talker and knows all the young people our age in the area and im scared he’ll blab about me being a total weirdo when drunk. Help 😞😞

I’m 41 years old, have a good career, a home, friends, and so many things in my life that I should be grateful for. But I’m starting to realize that my relationship with alcohol is becoming a serious problem, and I’m scared.

I’m currently on a business trip. Yesterday started off as a genuinely great day. I was having fun, enjoying time with colleagues and friends, and feeling good about life. Then the drinking continued into the night, and things went downhill.

There was an uncomfortable situation with a colleague at a bar. I still don’t entirely understand what happened or why she was upset with me, but I ended up getting visibly angry and leaving because I didn’t want things to escalate. I didn’t yell at anyone or say anything cruel, but I hate that I let myself get so upset. I hate that a day that started so positively ended with confusion, tension, and regret.

Now it’s the next morning, and I’m lying here with absolutely crippling anxiety, nausea, and shame. I feel physically awful, like I might throw up, and emotionally I’m a wreck. I’m worried about what people think of me, whether I embarrassed myself, and whether I’ve damaged relationships. I have to get on a flight home this afternoon, and I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to get through the day.

The worst part is that this isn’t the first time.
I’ve had several nights over the past few months where drinking has led to terrible decisions, anxiety, regret, and promises to myself that things would be different. I recently told myself I was going to take three months off alcohol, and I haven’t been able to stick to it.
I’m not someone who drinks every day. I can go days without alcohol, but when I do drink socially, I sometimes lose control of how much I consume. And the consequences are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.

I’m tired of waking up ashamed. I’m tired of replaying conversations in my head and wondering whether I’ve made a fool of myself. I’m tired of wasting days recovering physically and mentally. I’m tired of alcohol taking away my confidence and happiness.

I know I have a lot going for me, and I want to build a better life. I want to be healthy, confident, present, and proud of the person I am. I don’t want to keep sabotaging myself.

I think I’m finally reaching the point where I have to accept that moderation might not be an option for me.
I’m feeling really low and frightened today. I could genuinely use some encouragement from people who have been in this position and managed to turn things around.

Does the shame and anxiety get better? How did you finally break the cycle? I’m scared I’ll lose friends and that I won’t be able to be social anymore.

I really don’t want to feel like this ever again. I feel so ashamed and sad.

Day 2. Again.

Having survived hangover hell day, with insomnia, having not left the house for 3 days, and having just taken a liquid magma shit once more; the hell of recovery massively exceeds in pain the joy of alcohol. It's a few hours of euphoria for days of hell. It's a stupid trade to make.

If I could so readily remember the pain of it come 2 weeks from now when the cravings inevitably hit, then I wouldn't be tempted to touch it again.

But I will forget, I write this as a reminder.

Conclusion from the last period off it; the cravings will hit in 2 weeks, they will become progressively worse over the next few days, that's the danger time. And you can't have a few only, your brain is no longer capable of that; you will use this as a justification, you've never succeeded in this before and you won't this time, and you'll round and round the hell until you die in misery.

Down 4 pounds since Sept. 28. So much more energy. I LOVE not being hungover in the morning. And there is no better feeling than sleeping all night. 💪

If so, do you think if you had enough money to never worry about it, you would still be drinking?