Idk how I got here, but I really miss the life. 1-2 years ago.

I was always a loner, but back then, I'd watch films, listen to music and get into new genres, read books, explore Substack, watch YouTube, sketch, write, scroll through Pinterest, and just learn random shit that probably had no meaning or purpose whatsoever. I was so connected to art back then and i sorta liked it

I really fucking miss those days.

Ofc, it wasnt all good. I had days when I'd worry about my future, question what I was doing with my life, and feel like I wasn't going anywhere. Things were different back then, and I had my own problems, but at least I was doing something. I was curious about things. There was always something I wanted to watch, read, learn, or make.

Now, idk how I ended up here. I barely consume anything, let alone create anything. I feel like I'm just living in nostalgia, missing a version of my life that I can't seem to get back to. All I do now is go to the gym, eat, and repeat. And don't get me wrong, the gym is alright, but I didn't join it to fix my mental health or anything. Idk why I even joined in the first place lol And honestly, I don't think the gym, or any other habit for that matter, can magically fix your mental health when your surroundings aren't great. Having to deal with people you don't wanna be around, feeling like things aren't great at home, and knowing your family isn't particularly happy with you either. Idk, it gets to you. The gym might make you feel a little better, but it can't fix everything.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I jus dont really have anyone I can call a friend, someone I can talk to about random shit, share things with, or genuinely connect with. I barely socialise anymore, and maybe that's part of why everything feels so dull. When you have people around you, even if it's just casual conversations, their opinions and the desire to be understood by someone can make you more curious about the them and even about yourself. You have things to share, things to discover, and reasons to look beyond your own head. At least that's how I see it.

Maybe this is just what turning 19 feels like. The end of being a teenager, I guess. You're supposed to figure out what you wanna do with your life, but I'm sitting here feeling like I've barely done anything with mine. There's still so much I wanna do. I wanna make music, write, film amd stuff, learn new things, explore art, and a hundred other things I can't even list rn.

And it's not like I've stopped wanting those things. That's the weird part. I still want to do all of them, but somehow, I just don't. I cant remember anything about this 1-2 year that i have done something for me and lol idk even remember

What i did at all.

Idk, maybe I'm just rambling at this point. I don't even know what I'm expecting by posting this. Maybe I just wanted to put these feelings into words somewhere, or hear from people who've felt the same way.

This is totally random question what came to my mind yesterday. I remember that some months ago my brethren commented about how in movies nowadays they don't anymore show real deep emotion or connection, but instead every important talk and moments of "real connection" are turned always in the end to something comical so it is not "too serious" so to speak.

I have not forgot that comment since then, and now when I have spent more time in just being and listening music I have felt somehow that I can connect to myself more. Just be, enjoy the music (since it has been a big thing for me since childhood) and chill.

Anyway, that have made me wonder that is it more common in general that we are growing further from each other because we are afraid to show and feel real emotions and be vulnerable and therefore our connection to each other are also more empty because it never grow as deep roots than it could. Is it easy to know lots of people (or at least for me), but same time feel that nobody really knows you.

Of course this might be just my personal issue, but somehow it feels that in general as a society we are not anymore growing same way than before. Adult people behave like they are going to be forever young and fun and games are all what there is, but anything what requires deep connection to ourselves and others are just going to get shallower.

Just random thought, but could it be that we have fear of being human and humanity, because when we never take anything seriously it is easier to live life without being hurt even it will make us colder in the end?

I've been driving to a city now for over half a year for my freelance project. I have one or two friends there, I go to the gym there, I do yoga there, but I still don't know if it is the right place for me.

All I know is that the little village where I live right now is feeling so insanely lonely, that it's hard to wanting to drive back there every evening. And all I can do is fall back to my default state: wasting away on my computer. On the other hand I have pretty nature nearby, and I go ride my bike there once or twice a week. It doesn't fill the void.

How much happiness do you draw from your environment and how much from within? And then there is also the question of lifestyle. I don't need much to be happy, especially not material stuff. But right now it feels like most of my happiness rests on needing other people, and that feels bad. How do you handle that?

I used to treat grocery spending like a puzzle I had to keep solving. Coupons, weekly flyers, shopping at different stores, and spreadsheets comparing prices per unit. It did save money, but keeping up with everything became exhausting and felt far from living simply. Eventually, I realised a few basic habits could save most of what I needed without constantly thinking about it. Sure, I was not getting every possible discount, but the difference between putting in maximum effort and keeping things simple was smaller than I expected. Has anyone else reached a point where saving on groceries became more of a routine than something you actively had to manage?

Thanks for all your replies last time! I got hyped to indulge the coziness of October.

What did you do today to remind you to slow down?

Take care friends 🎃😊

Whether i’m home, working, going outside, anywhere, my mind always forces and drags me from the moment whether thinking about next project, next big think, this or that.

Sure i can’t get away or run away from my responsibility and important thing in my life, but at some point there’s always this moment where even for a grasp of time, i have controll over myself and just enjoy the moment fully. Fully commited to what and where iam and from that i can sense a huge bit amount of joy and happiness, just to be in the moment.

And that small spark i think is worth to live.

And sometimes its hard to get that small spark.

But if you just take a breath, sit, see your surrounding, i realized that i can, and it feels so amazing

Whenever whatever.

This also simple thing that makes me keep looking forward for tomorrow. I might get that little spark somewhere else in different situation or condition.