Without going too much into detail, past few years have been really hard for me. Anxiety, insomnia, breakup, entering adulthood etc. made me quite depressed.

I've always found trans communities helpful with dealing with all of that. People there are just soo supportive and wholesome. I can relate with most of the things people expirience. So wanting to be a part of these communities was always a way to cope for me.

Feeling cute and sweet and pretty and clean was always a way for me to escape reality. Its soo comforting to just lay in bed and :3 online, instead of worrying about anything. I'm at the stage of considering HRT. The issue is, I'm not sure if thats because I'm woman, or if its because it would allow me to feel more feminime, and therefore, cope better.

I am aware of that "If you wondering if you are trans, you probably are" narrative. Problem with that is, I feel like I don't show as much signs of being trans as other people. Sure, I somewhat hate my body and masculine traits of it. I feel better when expressing myself feminime. But it is equivalent of being trans?? I'm geniuenly so lost. I have no idea if (and if yes, how) I should know whats the good choice here.

love you all <333

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

The logistics of escaping my parents is daunting. After days with multiple panic attacks just from the anxiety and overwhelming nature of the logistics I’m lost. I’ve always known there will be extreme sacrifices in this process and hard decisions. I’m finally at that point. Decisions like these seem to be incredibly hard for me personally as I never want to hurt anybody. The fear that my actions may cause unattended consequences.

Update:
In some rather horrible news my mom forced me under threat of taking my car in only method of making money, I was forced to sign over medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney paperwork. My hope is that I can argue that it was signed underdress so it isn’t valid. But I’m terrified of the implications. All I can really do is make sure to not be incapacitated for any amount of time.

I’ve been focused particularly on preparation this past week. Open especially focused on the rather difficult portions of it as I struggle to achieve my independence. I made sure to list out my needs, not overwhelm myself as I tend to do. 

1. A new job (I work +35 hr a week and I make 350 ish with gas money so not great) (This is not including the many side jobs I have picked up including selling scrap metal)
2. A phone (I still have a hand me down phone by my parents and they sometime check it)
3. A Car (My parents consistently threaten to take away my car since I don’t own it) (I’ll need insurance which will cost a lot. That’s why I need to get a new jobs)
4. Really good medical insurance (my medication to keep me alive cost a bit)

I keep getting overwhelmed with everything and panicking, getting into my own head with everything going on in what I need to personally do. I'm failing a couple college classes because I’ve been so stressed out about this and I have no time to study because I’m constantly working and worrying. Keep in mind this is when I’m not writhing in pain in bed wanting to die. 

(sorry if this section is a bit all over the place as I am sobbing while writing)

I want to feel love. I want that feeling of safety that comes with being loved. I just want to know real care, real kind, real love not some blatant imitation. I know I will never have a replacement for the complete absence of familial love. I hope in dream that I may be able to find a suitable replacement in the love of friends and a lover of my own. Though I don’t believe I truly deserve love I do desperately need it. I would be loyal, kind, and affectionate. I still do not believe I would deserve any of it as I would just be a burden because that’s what I am. I’m a complete utter burden. I’m crippled didn’t I’ll never get better and people shouldn’t have to deal with that. 

I will never understand my parents. I can find patterns, but that’s about it. But every few days two weeks, I will be baffled by their change in demeanor. Flipping from overbearing helicopter, parent borderline obsessed with trying to live out their own life through mine to gone, caring about themselves and my brother leaving me completely abandoned. 

I wish they could understand the pain in the trauma that they’ve inflicted. To know what it’s like to spend your nights crying yourself to sleep while your body feels like it’s dying. But knowing them and their delusion that they are actually helping me will persist. It’s terribly frustrating back when I would try to make them understand I would try to explain how their actions affected me. But they could admit that they’re own actions may have caused such suffering. 

Physical pain:
Suffering isn’t innate in nature, instead it is learned. After countless years of having to deal with pains, others couldn’t imagine I’ve come to understand this. It is not a way of disrupting others' pains, but instead a lack of knowledge into the depths that suffering can take. We all suffer in our own way and in our capacity. So when I tell you that so dearly and suffering, I do not mean it in a metaphorical nor rhetorical nor a hyperbolical sense, I mean it as literal and real as the stars in the sky and skin on your body. I say this all to emphasize that this pass few weeks and months have been some of the worst in my entire life. Filled with suffering in the physical and the mental states of being.

I’ve been overworking myself a lot as mentioned earlier. +35 hours a week for basically nothing while being in constant pain is horrible. My body feels like hell! My back is so much worse than ever before. The ripping scars are hurting like 7 on my personal pain scale constantly. I’m trying not to cry as it hurts so much. My feet and ankle are constantly buckling as my ankles are horrible because of my EDS. I’ve also been having horrible P.O.T.S. related head rushes causing me to nearly pass out many times.

My mental state:
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point of inaction. I’ll try my best to overcome this, but I found it rather difficult too. My current goal is to be out by or at least around the end of November near my birthday. It will be incredibly hard and will take a lot of effort, but I hope to do it by then.

I as always have been reflecting on my life in my self. And I’ve come to a rather sad an in conclusion. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. There’s been times I acted happy but I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, not acting, but truly feeling it. In the same settlement, which shouldn’t come as a surprise I can’t remember the last time I felt loved by my parents. Love the true sense of the world, knowing that I’m safe and I’m cared for. Because of that a portion of me believes that I don’t deserve it as if my parents don’t love me. Why should anybody else? 

A weird traumatic quirk of me is when ever I feel nostalgic I get incredibly sad. Like I want to cry in the corner. Since anything that reminds me of my childhood just makes me miss all the innocence I had. I want to just go back in time and save the younger me from experiencing being molested and thinking it’s normal. I feel I miss so much from my childhood and when I see kids playing or something nostalgic I just get so sad for the things I missed out on. I feel as though I’ve missed out on something everybody else got and that I can relate to people as much as I should be able to. 

I don’t want this to sound like I’m crazy as from what I understand it’s just a side effect of everything that’s happened to me but… Whenever I’m alone, the voice inside my head that reflects everything that my parents says about me to It’s very extreme constantly. A combination of my self hate and my parents' verbal battering. I always have a hard time feeling safe by myself and this just make it so much worse.

I know I’m young and really shouldn’t think about mortality but I find myself perpetually thinking about it. I know deep down that I’m not as long as other people, my age. Doing full right to multiple factors. I know how I’m gonna die. I don’t mean that in a hypothetical sense I mean it in a literal sense I know how it’s gonna happen. The only question is when. My goal is to make it 20 to 30 more years if I get higher that’ll be wonderful. As constant as the winds and the waves I know my pain will get worse. There will be a point where I can’t physically keep going as the pain will be too much. Then and only that will I allow myself to be released. I will give my condolences to all that I love all that I care for. Then in no time before that, will I die. The current plan is medically induced suicide as my case would fall under the jurisdiction. I hope to die happy & loved.

Dysphoria:

Dysphoria is the pain of every trans persons existence. A feeling that your body doesn’t belong to you and instead is nothing more than an absurdist depiction of everything you hate about yourself. I hate this for you. I hate my body because of the physical permit that it puts me through on a daily basis. Dysphoria just gives me another reason to hate my body, even more, making it harder and harder to actually love myself. Makes my body feel like a skin suit itchy, and not my own. 

The person that I see in the mirror is not myself. It never is. I don’t love them. I can’t. I hate everything about them because they aren’t me. No matter how much I try, I can’t see them as being myself, but rather a disgusting crippled twink. I want to be a woman. I don’t want to be 6’2” I want to be short. I want to feel like I am who I see myself in the head as. I joked to myself recently that I would synthesize hrt from the local soybean crop as I’m desperate to start hrt. 

Poem:

Cold are the tears of the broken
From pain left unspoken

Hurt by those they love
A cursed from above

Never a happy day
With a body in decay

Death may be relief 
But that is my belief 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

So umm life has been good for me, I've gotten a week sober from undereating or food restricting or idrk what to call it lol which has been kinda hard to so worth it. Like last year I got it to 5 months and I just want it to get back to there are more it's been a struggle but I could probably do it cause I'm just like that after all. The only bad thing that has really happened as of late is my barber doing me incredibly dirty, but if that's the only bad thing that's happening then it's been a really good week. One of my friends who I'm always kinda worried about the mental state of got a date! I really hope everything goes well between the two of them at least for a while so yeah, End of post I guess.

My mood keeps crashing, and I don't want to go to sleep. I can't even identify how I'm feeling, am I sad? Angry? Hopeless? I don't know, I just know that I feel like shit. I haven't cut in a little over 3 weeks, I think, and I told a friend that I'm proud of myself for it, but I think I jinxed it, because now I really really really want to hurt myself again.

Recently I saw a guy being indecent in public and I can't get it out of my mind, not only that, but it triggered my reliving my SA experiences over and over again, and also it's making it really hard for me to sleep at night. The guy didn't touch me, nor talked to me, he was just doing stuff to himself in a lonely street. I don't know why it's affecting me so much. But my brain keeps making up these scenarios where he notices me and follows me home, or grabs me, or says something weird to me.

Also, these mood crashes are making it so the worms in my brain have a lot of things to say. As of lately, the favorite topic is "nobody actually cares about you, they're just pretending so that they look good. You're so insignificant that if you died, nobody's lives would be worse, but they wouldn't be better either"

I also have a test on Friday, which kinda sucks, I'm intimidated by history tests, it's too much information to memorize. To study I'm doing doodles of the art pieces I have to memorize information about and coloring them with crayons, that's fun at least.

To slow down my brain and sort of stop the urges to SH, I'm holding on for dear life to my pain stim. My brain demands to actually break skin, but i'm trying not to do that.

My heart hurts in my chest, and I feel a void, like when you go on a roller coaster, things would be easier if I just went to sleep, but I don't feel safe. I'm aware that I am safe, at least in paper, but my survival instincts haven't gotten the memo, it seems.

I... I think I need a hug or something, or perhaps I need to skip forward in time to a point in my life where I'm not as fucked in the head...

So recently, in my chess club we've decided to make new shirts for the regional competition this January. So we we're talking about designs, colors, price etc etc etc. The problema came when we decided that in the back we would put a design inspired in an ancient painting found originally in our city, but then the problem started.

The president of the club asked my uncle to do it with AI, my brain snapped, because for me (I repeat, for ME), AI art shouldn't be considered art, but that's only an opinion and we are in a democracy. So the AI version was made, I thought it was obvious the image was poorly made and it clearly needed some adjustment with the representation of the characters. So I said so and my uncle said that if I didn't like it I did it myself and that we didn't have money to pay an artist (unfortunately true, the town hall doesn't give us anything for the club). Fortunately I now how to draw and I said I would do it, I'm not an expert but I now something, so I needed help for a friend that's also teaching me how to draw, and because this was a war against AI she accepted and we arranged to meet in two days.

Two days later, when I was supposed to start the new design, I left my school and asked the club's president how the shirts were going, just out of curiosity,... "The shirts are already ordered". I felt devastated, so impotent, offended, this wasn't an offense against me, this was an offense against the art itself, because AI or not the design was literally poorly made, without 0 attention to detail and errors so obvious you'd catch making zoom for five seconds, you didn't have to know the painting. The next time I went to the club for a class I discussed with my uncle about how the design was literally incorrect. He discussed the me that the original painting is also in bad shape, an stupid statement because the original has 2200 years and is obviously deteriorated. I just resigned, I wasn't able to change it in the end, so, why fight?

The shirts arrive this week or the next and I just feel like this is all shit brothers, not only because it's AI, not because its poorly made, but because I was the ONLY person to complain in over 20 people.

Right now my decision is pretty clear, when I get my hands in that shirt, I'm going to burn it, record it and send the recording as a goodbye, I was completely ignored when I said to do a better design and as I said the competition doesn't start until January, so we didn't have any hurry.

I just feel the impotence brothers, how my identity as a citizen disappears and people don't care about art and culture anymore. I had an anxiety attack because of this shit, fuck them 3:

PD: I finally got unbanned so we're back baby

‘I’ told ‘myself’, all the way back to middle school, that I’d speak up next time I was hearing something that disgusted me. That I hated personally.
I failed her again. I always fail her. The identity I care about, failed failed failed again.

My life is so dulled. I want to scream at him, who’s so sadistic. I want to learn the word “no”. I want to not care what they say. I want to live, and SPEAK for myself. But every time I near breaking, my emotions all spiral inwards until they’re nothing and I forget where I am.

I want nothing more than to not question myself, and be able to take my feelings to their loudest ending. I don’t care who gets upset at me or the consequences. Any punishments couldn’t make me think it’s better to be passive and shushed of my own emotions, after wishing for as long as my memory goes. I’m so fucking done giving a shit what the people around me think. but apparently my brain finds no agreement in these statements.

I’m just acting like a rebellious teen, but I honestly admire their ability to not care. After living a life of being the good kid, even after experiencing things that have changed me in the whole to another, everyone still sees me that way. I want so desperately to change that, after so many long years. So tiring being treated so leniently. I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. LIKE I AM. I’m no fucking rule abider, or genius, or mature. EVERYONE seems to get such wrong assumptions about me on first look. Why does this even matter to me. I don’t know.

I’m just so tired. I don’t see myself changing. I’m miles away, so I suppose this is a fantasy- though writing this it hurts. I want to fight to change, but I never have will to do hard things. I’m hopeless, huh?

Everywhere I go I see TRFs and people who hate transmascs for existing. I'm so sick of it. I feel like I'm cursed just for being born, I'm hated for my asab and hated for being trans and hated for being a trans man and therefore trans wrong. I'm so sick of everything about me being seen as inherently wrong by everyone. Being trans is hard enough on its own but trans men don't even have the trans community to lean on for support. Most trans spaces don't want us and if they let us in its with the understanding that we have a moral obligation to be sponges for transphobic or misogynistic or anti transmasculine abuse along with having to apologize for taking up space in the world in general. I'm tired of people seeing me as an inherently evil monster that makes the world a worse place just for the way I was born, I feel like I'm double cursed and have been born at least one thing everyone hates. I hate that I can't feel safe in general trans spaces I always have to wonder if I'm allowed to be there, it's never a given that a trans space will be ok with people like me, the question is always "are people like me allowed there?" I don't just know I will be safe and it sucks and it's stressful, it's like I'm a guest in my own community. If I am allowed somewhere I haven't to wonder if the people I'm talking to might be TRFs and I fear getting to know someone only to find out they hold those beliefs. I feel paranoid when I meet other trans people, I'm so used to hearing people talking about trans men like we are predisposed to be sexual predators or that we are inherently stupid, dumb, inferior, that we can't make anything good, none of our culture is good, none of our music is good, that we are all ugly, fat and disgusting and any other misogynistic thing they want to tag onto it. I've seen the community change throughout the years and it's only gotten worse. TRFs make me feel so ashamed of simply being trans and a boy I find myself feeling like I'll never be a real one and that I don't even deserve to be a real one. TRFs say we are poisoning the world and our bodies with our transition and they blame any problems they can on us and I find myself feeling like I just want to die, I don't want to die like I used to but sometimes it gets so overwhelming I end up suicidal again, every trans comment section about trans men is filled with other trans people and cis people who absolutely hate us, it feels hopeless, I just got done crying about it, I hate seeing the people who do support us getting attacked and being told that supporting trans men means going against trans women or down the path of transmisogyny when that doesn't even make sense. I tried at home conversion therapy for years I suffered though it I even took estrogen pills to try and fix it but me being trans didn't go away even though I was so strict with my rules that was supposed to make it go away, I feel like a failure for it not working and then I come out and I finally accept that I have to transition to live and I see other trans people including some trans men saying people like me should go back in the closet and detransition because we are making the world worse by living. I feel like every trans space I come across is filled with these people. I just want to be treated like an equal person, I just want to live without feeling so bad about something I can't change and it's so difficult when both cis and trans people seem to agree with this stuff, it's like they are all saying I should have kept trying to fix it but I can't and I don't know what to do. I really hope things get better I really don't want my fellow trans people to feel like they are unsafe to exist near. I really hope things get better soon. I don't want to feel like this forever, I keep thinking "I already did what you people wanted I tried to make it go away for so Long and I tried so hard and it didn't work the only thing else I could do is get rid of myself!" Like genuinely I don't know what they want other than me to die and they are everywhere! I'm so tired.

Guys I might be one of the bad ones.

I know it's gender war slop but it's hard not to think about it when I actually hurt someone that way. I'm not sure I'll ever have friends, let alone female friends, and I probably shouldn't.

Congratulations to myself :3

i dont wanna go back

so i haven't posted here for a while, since relationships weren't a big part of my life

i dont want to be depressing right now, im not in the mood for it so ill keep it short :3

so in the last 10 days, my partner almost tried to commit suicide, but luckily stopped because of me, i bring joy to their life

they have also told me that they want to/have been self harming, i dont know if its a current want or if they already have cut, but either way it's not looking great

in other news i have learnt that one of my older friends, who is basically a big brother to me, tried to commit suicide, also in the past 10 days

i dont know how and why this happened but i won't press further on it, he calls it "the gulp"

the advice that i would like to know is how do i cope with all of this?

it all happened in such a short amount of time and it's two people i love dearly

ive already had suicide and self harm threats from a (rather toxic) online relationship, which has made those things not my strongest points of advice giving

but since this is real life, since i know these people in person, it's a lot different, more complex than words on a screen

things will change noticeably if something big happens, and i never realized the risk was so close to me

thank you for listening to my rambling

i hope whoever gets this far has an amazing rest of their day, and if your day is almost over, then i wish you an amazing tomorrow

i love you all, stay silly <3

She's never acknowledged my issues unless it effects her. I genuinely just wish she had aborted me.

Update: Thank you all for your words again, and I also wanna confirm that I haven't harmed myself at. I'm sorry if I've worried any of you.

For context, my dad is mentally unstable. He has severe mood swings to the point that he can become aggressive at times, not to mention he is basically an alcoholic as well. I suggested to him that he should get mental health support or any help at least, but he wouldn't budge. He has been abusive to me and my mom countless times. I've lived like this for at least 8 years now; I genuinely don't remember anything from my childhood before I was 12, barely having vivid recollections at best.

I don't want to go into details, but he took it way too far recently. So basically when my mom was so close to getting a divorce and being done with him, she suddenly changed her mind and wants to come back to him. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared of that man now. I know that he's my father and all but he can go fuck himself for all I care. It's gotten so bad now that he even got a "blue card" procedure where he basically cannot get anywhere near me and my mom for at least two weeks. (I live in Poland, I don't know what's the equivalent of it in the US or UK.)

I'm not even sure if I want any advice atp, just had to vent this out at least...

PS: I plan to get out of there in 6 months time, so it's not all bad news. I have a caring boyfriend who supports me through all of this, even taking me to his house when things get really dire. I just need to save enough money to move out.

I feel like since I was born i was meant to suffer

I was raised in a small town by an alcoholic bioplor schizophrenic mother and and anger issued father

I have so many stories from them my mother when I knew her was always drunk she'd mess around with guy infront of my dad and these same guy would beat her but she always crawled back to them and get my dad to always save her for some sick game of hers and try to get us on her side to mess with him mind you he never hit or anything he was great a husband and father but honestly when I think of her thats all I see the only good memories I have of her is when she was drunk and alone with me were she would always say I could be anything I wanted to be but now im 20 I have no job no license and no friends anymore hell I feel like my porn addiction stems from me not understanding what love really is that when I first saw sex I got so attached to it and to me that was what love was no thats not it but ive always been attached to it since I was young I found porn when I was 9 from some highschool guy and I havent kicked the habit since its ruined so many friendships of late and I know I cant blame it on addiction its me thats the problem only me they leave cause ask uncomfortable questions or get too horny around them and due to this im completely alone after highschool I made a trans girl who was my friend for year and she dissappeard without saying a word to me on why like month after we started meeting in person but I never was sexual which makes me feel worse cause now I cant help but think what did I do wrong this time. In middle school I kept trying to kill myself but never actually harmed myself not even a scratch I just listened to say music and scream and held a knife near my gut. When I found out I was gay/bisexual mainly gay when I was id say 15 I got made fun of constantly for it all those people I called my friends would just ask weird questions like what are you into and what have done and I was always stupidly honest and they laughed and called me a freak I know we were kids at the time but still. My dad has turned 50 he used to be extremely accepting but now hes got this hatred that switchs one minute he hates gays and trans people then the next he doesn't mind them at all he still keeps this act that hes the greatest guy in the world cause he doesn't care what people do or think when he obviously does the first time he caught me acting gay was when I went out to a party with some friends when I was 17 or 18 and wore a sweater that reveals the shoulders that was my older sister when I got home at night I took my jacket off without thinking forgetting what I was hiding underneath an yelled and scream at me to take it off and throw it away I did and lied saying it was just cold out and I had nothing to wear that was really warm ig he believed it never brought it up again he used to always smack me in the back of the head he still calls me useless and an idiot and weird like he always has hes not wrong at 17 and 18 I had good friends that I could relate to but I ruined that cause I kept asking really perverted things it was like I completely forgot what boundaries were I got to comfortable so they all ditched me understandable Ive tortured myself for two years about it and I won't stop I know what I deserve but I thought I learned from it but I still make mistakes I know im not a good man but I spent my whole life thinking was before then hell my whole life I wanted to be a good guy but im not im a piece of shit I had a boyfriend for week but we were just two horny teenagers who didnt k ow what love was and that fucked me up more it was just calls jerking off and him groping me all the time hes got a girl now so good for him deserved better then my ass I used to be pretty 5'3 like 120 pounds now im 141 im 20 years old and Im going nowhere expect down the shitter and repeating the same cycle sorry for anyone reading this i kinda just typed out my thoughts if you hate me I understand I know what I am

I'm in some part V-shaped partnership?

I am in love with someone, and we love each other. But he also has a boyfriend. (Iam boy too) and I try my best to be helpfull and nice to his boyfriend and everyone. At worst it kinda goes rough. But then it started to go well. We were nice to each other, he hugged me and kissed me when I visited them. He then also said I make him somewhat h*rny. So I made him a present.

He liked Pokemon, so I built him a Pokemon Tamagotchi and gave it to him when I visited them. But since then he haven't touched it or had no time, or the battery was out and he didn't charge it.

As we played we have some friends online. I left early because his mood was kinda bad. He was constantly annoyed and sarcastic, becuse of work he said. I told the boyfriend iam in love with about it. (Also the boyfriend of the one I made a gift). Then I got and passive aggressive text wirh and half hearted "sorry it hurts you, but I never accepted for a gift" stuff.

Since then I am completely confused. I cried the same day. Even when I make gifts and everything. It turns like Iam the bad one. I just wanted to make him smile and all... why is he so mad at me for this?

art by: i dont know, sorry! but the character shown is makoto yuki from persona 3 :]

---

i just cant keep my mouth shut and ruin everything.

these past few months have been exhausting, but i kept trying to improve. there are days where, yes, it did work, only to get my hopes crushed again

i cant even begin to put what happened into words yesterday.

i said some harsh truths

because i cant keep my mouth shut

and now they feel horrible

i broke something and i dont think itll ever recover

and the very root of this mess all started because of typical me taking everything too seriously and failing to differentiate between whats a joke and whats not

i should relapse. i need to punish myself because thats the only thing that would make me feel right

but doing it would mean id break a promise. and then theyll start spiraling. and i start feeling awful. then it keeps going, and going, and going...

i think ive become too much to handle ,

i hope they leave me

i hope they say what i secretly want to hear, and that i am a horrible partner and that everything is my fault

i hope they realise im not worth it and all i do is suck up the joy from everything

i think i should be put down :3

My mom knows I'm trans, but she still calls me a girl. Sometimes she'll call me a good girl when she's being nice or affectionate, and I end up feeling awful even though I know she's probably trying to be nice.

It's such a weird feeling because the words themselves aren't meant to be insulting. In another context, they'd probably be sweet. But when they come from someone who knows I'm trans and still refers to me as a girl, it just reminds me that she doesn't see me the way I want to be seen.

I don't want to feel bad when my mom is being affectionate toward me. I don't want to have to mentally separate the nice intention from the words that hurt me. I just wish she could be nice to me while seeing me as her son.

Sometimes I wish she would call me a good boy instead. It's such a small thing, but I think it would mean so much to me.

I guess it's just sad that something that could've made me feel loved ends up reminding me of how much I wish things were different.

I want to start by saying that my body has always been pretty much the same. Tall, skinny, lanky, like a walking pile of bones with some skin. I was "healthy" weight for most of my life but thats pretty much only due to bone weight, i have been a weakling for all my life and still am, its looking more "girly" than anything, any bit of fat that i managed to get is instantly deposisted into my thighs, making them unproportionaly bigger. I really hated my body, i couldnt look at myself in photos or in the mirror and still barely can. I really wanted a more muscular body type, to fill out my frame with muscle, to stop being such a walking stick. I have been going to the gym consistently for almost 3 years, eating more, working out hard, taking supplements, everything outside actual dangerous stuff like anabolic steroids and other dumb stuff. And i still look awful. With just a bit more muscle in my chest and shoulders, maybe a bit more in thighs and thats it. I still hate my body, even more now, cause i know how much work i have put in and how many times i have wanted to quit and it resulted in nothing. Couple of people have told me that my physique looks good or "healthy" or "toned", but i geniuenly cant say i agree, i still look as skinny as before, my frame is still as skinny as 3 years ago and i hate it. I know whats seen on the internet or in media isnt true, but i cant help but feel sad whenever i see someone more muscular. I know its not that easy, they propably have more experience or better genetics or are abusing something or its just unrealistic, but i really feel like im never going to reach anything. Never going to get any reward. Always looking the same. It really does make me hate myself.

I don’t want to go to the trouble of writing all this in English, so if anything seems off, blame the translator.

About three years ago I met a guy, and to sum it up a lot, we both liked each other, but over time we lost contact, then we got it back, lost it again and got it back several times until today.

Although I'm no longer a kid, I've never had a relationship before. I like having my small group of friends and I don't like leaving the house, so socializing doesn't come easily to me. I also wasn't very interested in looking for a partner or anything like that.

This guy made me see how incredible it is to have someone who loves you and cares about you, going to bed with a goodnight message and being able to open up and talk about any personal and intimate topic. The problem is that we never actually dated; he's not my boyfriend, but he's not my ex either, we're just "friends."

I really did like him and I still do. And even though he doesn't think trying to build a relationship is a good idea, I truly want to try. I suppose it's because if in all this time we haven't managed to become anything serious, why would it work now. Although really, we haven't talked consistently in the past year. I know he's been going through a rough time — I don't know about what, because we don't have the trust we used to have and I can barely manage to talk to him. That's why I don't see myself as capable of telling him that I'm willing to bet everything on building a relationship that works with him. I would love to listen to his problems and help him, but we don't have the closeness we used to have anymore.

This past year I've also felt terrible. Things haven't gone well for me, I'm losing touch with some of my few friends because they're all very busy with their own lives — not that they aren't — but that combined with how little I leave the house makes me feel very lonely and with anxiety I had never experienced before. I spent months trying to move on from him and get over it. I also tried to socialize a bit and make new friends, but neither of those things worked. I also believed that going out with someone else would make me forget him; I imagined myself dating people I came across online or ran into on the street, and at first it seemed possible, but I don't know how to talk to people and now even my imagination doesn't help me. I only want him, and there's no one who can replace him.

The current situation is that he's thinking about whether we can still be friends, because he's aware of many of the things I've just described, but he thinks it's not a good idea because a few months ago he did something bad to me, and that, along with everything else, means he doesn't want to keep hurting me. But I know he's genuinely a good person and that was just a mistake. I forgive him, and as I said before, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with him.

All of this, plus a few things I'm skipping so this doesn't turn into something incredibly long, has led to my current situation. It's not the first time this has happened to me, and I've been seriously considering it since last year. He doesn't know this and he has no reason to. I'm taking the option of ending my life more and more seriously; I have no real reason to keep dragging out this torture, and I'm not afraid of death. The idea of being with him is the only thing keeping me alive, but if he decides to turn the page, I'll have my answer. It's not revenge or anything like that — if he turns the page we'll lose contact and he'll never find out. If he does it, I don't think I'll ever forgive him, but I don't want to tell him either, because he might think I'm crazy or that I'm forcing him to be with me.

In any case, right now I'm looking at flights far from home. My idea is to go on "vacation" alone; my family won't see me for a while and then they wouldn't have to find my body or see my case on the news or anything like that.

I know all of this is a huge spaghetti mess of thoughts, but asking strangers on the internet for help is the only thing I can think of. To everyone about to write me that everything will be okay, that it's just a matter of time — please save it. And those of you who think I should seek help from friends or family, same thing.

To finish: thank you to those who take the time to read this and to those who try to help me in the comments. And apologies again for how badly written this is.

(If anything here goes against the rules, let me know and I’ll change it; I don’t want to have to post this.)

It's almost 5 a.m while I'm writing this, haven't slept, and had to take a shower in the middle of the night because I felt really disgusting. I was SA'd a lot as a child-teen, and it has really messed with my brain. I kinda think about it every day, and my triggers are a bit unpredictable (as in, I'm not sure what triggers me a lot of the time). It has been a while since the last time I had a full blown mental breakdown about it tho. And I mean, wanting to curl up and cry, and sort of mentally regress and almost feel like it's happening again. My thoughts got really weird and painful earlier, feeling like I'm meant to be used as a s3x toy and disposed of. Feeling like I wanted it all to happen, and that I liked it, ect.

And idk, I also feel like I should be dead, perhaps there's no relation to the other thing, but still. I really feel like I should have died last year, and my brain is trying to convince me to overcorrect. That I should kms, or that I'm not even alive right now. I don't know if I had a point for writing this, I'm far too exhausted to think correctly, so don't pay much attention to what I'm saying rn, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

I should just shut up and go to sleep now. So goodnight