Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

The logistics of escaping my parents is daunting. After days with multiple panic attacks just from the anxiety and overwhelming nature of the logistics I’m lost. I’ve always known there will be extreme sacrifices in this process and hard decisions. I’m finally at that point. Decisions like these seem to be incredibly hard for me personally as I never want to hurt anybody. The fear that my actions may cause unattended consequences.

Update:
In some rather horrible news my mom forced me under threat of taking my car in only method of making money, I was forced to sign over medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney paperwork. My hope is that I can argue that it was signed underdress so it isn’t valid. But I’m terrified of the implications. All I can really do is make sure to not be incapacitated for any amount of time.

I’ve been focused particularly on preparation this past week. Open especially focused on the rather difficult portions of it as I struggle to achieve my independence. I made sure to list out my needs, not overwhelm myself as I tend to do. 

1. A new job (I work +35 hr a week and I make 350 ish with gas money so not great) (This is not including the many side jobs I have picked up including selling scrap metal)
2. A phone (I still have a hand me down phone by my parents and they sometime check it)
3. A Car (My parents consistently threaten to take away my car since I don’t own it) (I’ll need insurance which will cost a lot. That’s why I need to get a new jobs)
4. Really good medical insurance (my medication to keep me alive cost a bit)

I keep getting overwhelmed with everything and panicking, getting into my own head with everything going on in what I need to personally do. I'm failing a couple college classes because I’ve been so stressed out about this and I have no time to study because I’m constantly working and worrying. Keep in mind this is when I’m not writhing in pain in bed wanting to die. 

(sorry if this section is a bit all over the place as I am sobbing while writing)

I want to feel love. I want that feeling of safety that comes with being loved. I just want to know real care, real kind, real love not some blatant imitation. I know I will never have a replacement for the complete absence of familial love. I hope in dream that I may be able to find a suitable replacement in the love of friends and a lover of my own. Though I don’t believe I truly deserve love I do desperately need it. I would be loyal, kind, and affectionate. I still do not believe I would deserve any of it as I would just be a burden because that’s what I am. I’m a complete utter burden. I’m crippled didn’t I’ll never get better and people shouldn’t have to deal with that. 

I will never understand my parents. I can find patterns, but that’s about it. But every few days two weeks, I will be baffled by their change in demeanor. Flipping from overbearing helicopter, parent borderline obsessed with trying to live out their own life through mine to gone, caring about themselves and my brother leaving me completely abandoned. 

I wish they could understand the pain in the trauma that they’ve inflicted. To know what it’s like to spend your nights crying yourself to sleep while your body feels like it’s dying. But knowing them and their delusion that they are actually helping me will persist. It’s terribly frustrating back when I would try to make them understand I would try to explain how their actions affected me. But they could admit that they’re own actions may have caused such suffering. 

Physical pain:
Suffering isn’t innate in nature, instead it is learned. After countless years of having to deal with pains, others couldn’t imagine I’ve come to understand this. It is not a way of disrupting others' pains, but instead a lack of knowledge into the depths that suffering can take. We all suffer in our own way and in our capacity. So when I tell you that so dearly and suffering, I do not mean it in a metaphorical nor rhetorical nor a hyperbolical sense, I mean it as literal and real as the stars in the sky and skin on your body. I say this all to emphasize that this pass few weeks and months have been some of the worst in my entire life. Filled with suffering in the physical and the mental states of being.

I’ve been overworking myself a lot as mentioned earlier. +35 hours a week for basically nothing while being in constant pain is horrible. My body feels like hell! My back is so much worse than ever before. The ripping scars are hurting like 7 on my personal pain scale constantly. I’m trying not to cry as it hurts so much. My feet and ankle are constantly buckling as my ankles are horrible because of my EDS. I’ve also been having horrible P.O.T.S. related head rushes causing me to nearly pass out many times.

My mental state:
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point of inaction. I’ll try my best to overcome this, but I found it rather difficult too. My current goal is to be out by or at least around the end of November near my birthday. It will be incredibly hard and will take a lot of effort, but I hope to do it by then.

I as always have been reflecting on my life in my self. And I’ve come to a rather sad an in conclusion. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. There’s been times I acted happy but I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, not acting, but truly feeling it. In the same settlement, which shouldn’t come as a surprise I can’t remember the last time I felt loved by my parents. Love the true sense of the world, knowing that I’m safe and I’m cared for. Because of that a portion of me believes that I don’t deserve it as if my parents don’t love me. Why should anybody else? 

A weird traumatic quirk of me is when ever I feel nostalgic I get incredibly sad. Like I want to cry in the corner. Since anything that reminds me of my childhood just makes me miss all the innocence I had. I want to just go back in time and save the younger me from experiencing being molested and thinking it’s normal. I feel I miss so much from my childhood and when I see kids playing or something nostalgic I just get so sad for the things I missed out on. I feel as though I’ve missed out on something everybody else got and that I can relate to people as much as I should be able to. 

I don’t want this to sound like I’m crazy as from what I understand it’s just a side effect of everything that’s happened to me but… Whenever I’m alone, the voice inside my head that reflects everything that my parents says about me to It’s very extreme constantly. A combination of my self hate and my parents' verbal battering. I always have a hard time feeling safe by myself and this just make it so much worse.

I know I’m young and really shouldn’t think about mortality but I find myself perpetually thinking about it. I know deep down that I’m not as long as other people, my age. Doing full right to multiple factors. I know how I’m gonna die. I don’t mean that in a hypothetical sense I mean it in a literal sense I know how it’s gonna happen. The only question is when. My goal is to make it 20 to 30 more years if I get higher that’ll be wonderful. As constant as the winds and the waves I know my pain will get worse. There will be a point where I can’t physically keep going as the pain will be too much. Then and only that will I allow myself to be released. I will give my condolences to all that I love all that I care for. Then in no time before that, will I die. The current plan is medically induced suicide as my case would fall under the jurisdiction. I hope to die happy & loved.

Dysphoria:

Dysphoria is the pain of every trans persons existence. A feeling that your body doesn’t belong to you and instead is nothing more than an absurdist depiction of everything you hate about yourself. I hate this for you. I hate my body because of the physical permit that it puts me through on a daily basis. Dysphoria just gives me another reason to hate my body, even more, making it harder and harder to actually love myself. Makes my body feel like a skin suit itchy, and not my own. 

The person that I see in the mirror is not myself. It never is. I don’t love them. I can’t. I hate everything about them because they aren’t me. No matter how much I try, I can’t see them as being myself, but rather a disgusting crippled twink. I want to be a woman. I don’t want to be 6’2” I want to be short. I want to feel like I am who I see myself in the head as. I joked to myself recently that I would synthesize hrt from the local soybean crop as I’m desperate to start hrt. 

Poem:

Cold are the tears of the broken
From pain left unspoken

Hurt by those they love
A cursed from above

Never a happy day
With a body in decay

Death may be relief 
But that is my belief 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)