I dont know what I'm doing, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Since my last post on this subreddit I've gotten so much worse. I'm almost 100% sure that I had a seizure at some point due to overdoses. I'm a young teenager and I've tried to kill myself 15 times. I'm so tired, my body is worn and my heart cannot take it anymore.

Please end my life universe. Why did you create me? I been depressed for 10-15 years. I have no friends, no partner and been stuck for years. Please end my life God

The first time was about a year and a bit ago were he went missing and we had to find him it was so traumatising but I thought we turned a corner and I got help,

This time however was so fuckinh horrible I walked in on him overdoing there was goodbye letters to me and my sisters he was so out his face on the drugs he was going crazy that’s not my dad there was a empty bottle of vodka and he dosnt even drink he planned it he woke up and was annoyed at us for saving his life he said that he was meant to die he still wants to die he’s in a unit right now but I am truly heartbroken I feel so numb and and weak I took a photo of the letter o keep reading every time I’m in silent or shut my eyes I replay the whole night and just imaging him sitting there writing the letters and how much pain he must be in I have two sisters I’m closer to one but they have there kids I sort of just life with my mum who isn’t with my dad I just feel truly shattered I feel like nothing is gonna help him I feel like I’ve came to terms with the fact I’m gonna lose my dad and I’m just waiting for it to happen.

I'm starting to realize the whole "gosh I had no idea they always seemed ok" is more about society unable to cope. Sure, there are plenty of people who seem happy before comitting suicide but for every one of those I wager there's 10 others who don't seem fine at all.

I've had plenty of people abandon me in my life. Even my own mother. It's basicically why I don't bother making any friends anymore. Not real ones. And so all those aquaintances may very well look back one day and say "gosh I never saw it coming" if and when they hear about me.

It's a viscious cycle. If you don't put on a mask, people will abandon you. They abandon you, you keep people at a distance. You keep them at a distance, and they don't know you. They don't know you, and they never saw it coming.

But more importantly it's for society as a whole. They get to grieve and pretend like they would have done something if only they had known; it's a much better version than abandoning someone because they couldnt deal with someone who was depressed.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention it on this community, but I just wanna vent how exhausted I am.
I used to practice how to hang myself just so that I can make sure when the day comes, I’ll be dead.
I was determined this time after an argument with a family. I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t know where I belong or where to put myself. I wish I have the capability to do things I thought I would be doing by now. But I know to myself that I really tried to live. I tried to make excuses just so I wouldn’t have to hang myself again. Today I had a panic attack and took pills. I wanted to finally finish this pain and also so that I can stop being a burden. Besides, my dad doesn’t care if I live or die. I always feel invincible and hidden like a shadow. No one is curious about me.
I am stupid.
I almost died today actually but the rope slipped and I couldn’t pass out. I wish God would just take me. I’m begging for him to take me.

I used to be such an upbeat guy, you know? I used to be the sort of person who fired people up to keep going and never quit. Even when I was dealing with my own mess, I always found a way to encourage others. And then everything just shattered, and now I am the only one left cleaning up the pieces. It hurts so bad, it hurts like hell.

Ever since 2024, my life has just gone into a tailspin, and everything I tried to build for myself turned to zero. I was born into a poor family and honestly thought I could pull us out of it, but I finally realized I just can't, no matter what I do. I took out a huge loan to buy a house for my mom because we had been renting for the past twenty-something years. My dad didn't really contribute much and has a drinking problem. I had to watch physical abuse all through my childhood, and on top of that, I wasn't even good at school.

Then I got this dream of becoming a musician, but it never really happened because I had to live a double life. One half was the music guy, and the other half was just flipping burgers. Over the years, I picked up some skills on my own and managed to land regular jobs, but my heart was never really in them, so I could never fully commit. I figured I would make it as a musician, and I wasn't being delusional about it either. I was just a normal guy who wanted to earn a living through music so I could finally get out of survival mode. I never wanted a big fancy mansion, a Ferrari, or some supermodel girlfriend, not a single bit of that. I just wanted to escape survival mode while doing what I actually love.

I am thirty-four years old now, and I have seen how the world really works. Pretty privilege is totally real, rich privilege is real, and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot beat raw power or someone with generational wealth. People will use you up, chew you out, and then totally forget about you.

I bought that house for my mom because every single time I looked at her, her eyes were welling up with tears just wishing for a place of her own. I took out a loan and got her the exact house she wanted, which meant I had to sacrifice a whole lot of things. But I thought it would make her happy, and since I still had a job back then, I felt confident enough to ask out the girl I liked. I told her I was completely serious about our future. She understood where I was coming from and didn't yell at me, but she still said no.

Then my best friend of five years started acting super cold toward me right after I got laid off. I had to cut him completely out of my life, and it has been over a year since we last spoke.

Now I have literally zero money left, no friends, and my family just looks at me like a total loser because I am not bringing in any cash anymore. It is not like things were ever great before, oh no. Things have always been pretty rough for me, but I somehow managed to get by. All those years, I just scraped by without any money, without a partner, without any support, or even a single kind word.

I am not trying to play the victim here, no way. I have had to hit the reset button over and over again. Every single job I lost, every single opportunity that slipped through my fingers, and all the people who looked down on me, I always told myself it did not matter because I still had a dream to chase.

But now that dream is completely gone, too, so I honestly do not know what to do. Those dark thoughts are creeping back in, and I might just end it all once and for all.

So I had a failed suicide attempt recently. I tried overdosing on hydroxyzine. My partner called 911 and the worst fire department came to my house. I’m a young adult and the entire thing just feels humiliating and shameful.

My partner was so worried about me and stayed by my side the entire time. But the thing is, I still don’t have much motivation to live. During the time I was out of it, it felt like a warm hug, an embrace that I had been longing for my entire life. I was out of it and had time to just sit with my thoughts.

I didn’t feel regret unlike many other stories. The only thing I felt bad for wasn’t for me, it was for the people around me. My partner who has endured my fanatic behavior, my therapist suspect I have borderline personality. I’m unsure, I have adhd and autism diagnosis.

I attempted three days ago. My partner has not left my side since and has been restless. Im just unsure where to go from here. The hospital was not any help, I’ve had these feelings for as long as I can remember. I have no motivation to do anything.

As well as the chronic sickness/pain I live in without knowing the underlying problem isn’t helping. I’ve been eating so much sugar from just how down I feel. I’m so extremely lost in my life. How do I really get out of it?

another night crying to myself and thinking about just ending my life. I hate in earth, I hate our society and I hate myself. Nothing ever better, it only gets worst.

I was taking 100mg for idk 2-3 years. Personally, my life is great so a few months ago I decided I wanted to ween off. I wanted to not be dependent on this drug. Over the course of 6-8 weeks I dropped my dose. I made it through the terrible sleep, the stomach issues, the brain zaps. But now, it’s anhedonia all the damn time.

I look around at this sick fucking world we’re stuck in and I don’t know how the hell im supposed to wake up every morning and carry on. I have a sweet old dog to take care of and a wonderful, supportive partner I want to be here for, so I’m not going out anytime soon. But I think about it all the time. How I don’t want to live in this world and how I can barely find any joy in the things that usually keep me going.(reading, writing, games, nature)

My passion is gone, my libido is buried. My soul feels poisoned. I’m doing the work outs. I’m writing. I’m hanging with friends. I’m doing the things that should help me feel alive. But it’s fucking hard to maintain and I want to be a light for the people in my life. Not this heavy burden that pulls them down.

Please, someone tell me there is a light at the end of this. I want to hear from people who have taken meds and come off of them. Have you managed to reclaim your brain and your emotions?

Just like what the title says, I hope that once I stop breathing I will also stop existing. No more what few happiness and pleasure I could feel, but also no more pain, no more sadness, no more suffering, no more overthinking, no more stupid ideas.

I feel no satisfaction doing anything. I am late diagnost ADHD. I have no friends, no family, and no hope for a future. I was able to graduate but never hold down a steady jobs. Work place politics makes me want to pop out my eyeballs and swallow them. This makes my "attitude" the only relevant thing discussed. I broke my foot and have been in my room for 6 months. 1 person visited then moved away. After years and years of trying, I am now in my late 20s. After healing, I have no prospects in life whatsoever. When I can do things, I do them well. But then it stops....I am unable to accomplish any task and then I cannot get myself to do the simplest things. I cannot even get myself to turn on a video game. When I walk outside, it feels like hyenas are stalking me, waiting on me to slip up or die. My social interactions feel like hostage situations bc I have enough pattern recognition to recognize that I will mess up. I am in debt. People dont like to be around me bc i cannot navigate social situations correctly. I have no family that cares (my brother died of suicide and I see how little everyone treated him before and after too). There just doesnt seem to be any other way then to suffer in shame and then die now or later 💔

I never in my life imagined I would be considering suicide as a way to solve my problems. In my mind, it's the only way that will work.

I never learned how to live. Everything has always felt overwhelming, so I hid from the world and ignored my growing problems, even though I knew where it would lead. I avoided people as much as I could, and I've even lost touch with my own family. Throughout my entire adult life, I've kept telling myself that I'd be able to change. I'm so tired of living like this.

I'm almost 40 now, and over the past year, I've lost what little hope I had left. Because I'm not doing anything at all, even the things I could barely manage before have become too much for me. Ignoring problems comes at a price. I have so many of them now that there's no point in even listing them.

I just don't have the strength anymore to keep simply "existing". I know I've lost.

The title, and they tried to sweeten and minimize the impact but the damage was already done. I’ve lost hope for this world. No matter what, my presence is harmful. I was right, that my friends see me as a burden, and nothing more. I now want to cut them off entirely, and delete them from my life…I’ve been depressed since 13, and it hasn’t changed. This isn’t the first time this happened. 3 other friends over the years have done this. Told me that I’m a burden to them in a sweet and polite way. I’m done with this nonsense. At this point, I’m going to be a happy robot to anyone who wants to talk. And they supposedly understand the mental health issues…clearly not. I’m not suicidal, but I’m done with the mental health matters nonsense! Many people don’t care. They are liars who want to feel good about themselves. It’s pure bullshit performance in my book…all I have are video games now. I just wanted to get this out of my head, and be heard and seen…thank you.

Bro imma just be honest. Im a 28 year old black man in America. I've struggled with depression since I was 11 years old and have attempted suicide multiple times. Idk what set it off but this year (at the beginning) I told myself and declared that I would try my hardest to chase my dreams of being a YouTuber and Musician. I've really pushed myself to network and make new friends. Aside from that I've put myself back into the dating pool. I haven't dated in 10 years so I felt like it was time to take my chances again. Oh boy I was wrong. I feel like I never want to date anyone ever anymore with the way I get shot down. I do all the things, I'm courteous, I open doors, I text to make sure you get home safe, I genuinely just want a partner to share life with but our generation is so COOKED. To me it feels like women don't actually want a relationship let alone get married anymore. I say all this to say Im at my wits end. The last lady I was talking to made it apparent that all they wanted me for was for money and buying her drinks. I genuinely am so tired of being alive. Im broke and in debt. I feel like I'm not good enough. Im almost 30 and I don't have anything to show for it. Idk why I thought "oh ya you're ready to get back out there" I just wanna not exist anymore. Love is only for movies, books and anime that shit isn't real. Please prove me wrong. Pray for me that I don't kms. At the very least just know that you're loved and I care.

-Claudio

*Tuesday thoughts...honest and real...*

36M here... What is everyone so excited about? Life is stupid...i prefer being asleep. Same stupid shit day after day. Life is long, so unbearably long and full of pointless bullshit. Never understood why everyone is so full of life and excited to be alive, I find it all so horrible, this pain of being human. But I guess some enjoy it, somehow. I envy them- I wish I could see in vibrant colours and not be enveloped in a never ending dark cloud of doom. And no, it's not depression. Its realism and the awful ability to see how terrible most of life is. I remember feeling this intense emptiness as far back as age five- just not wanting to exist. Yes, at age five, one of my earliest concrete memories. And here I am over thirty years later wondering what is the reason for any of this.

I guess I am writing this here because I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know, even if I trust them. I am 21 F, and I don't really want to make it to my 30's. I don't see the appeal in life. Not career wise, marriage wise, social wise or anything. I love my major and would like to get to my end goal, but I just feel like there's no need for me to even be here and I genuinely don't think I will enjoy my life in the future. Sometimes I pray to god to take me out because I don't want to do it myself. I care about my parents and my sister which is why I am still trying but it gets really hard sometimes. I dread the idea of having like more years passed 30 and god forbid all the way to 60. Nothing about that seems appealing.

I struggle to connect with people, I have friends now but I am always thinking and rethinking my words and actions and making sure I didn't put them off somehow. The idea of a relationship just scares me because I am quite sensitive and knowing how I am, I am pretty sure I won't be happy as time passes and I don't want to make my future partner miserable either. So for the best, its better for me to just not get involved with anyone romantically even though I do want love. It would be nice.

Reasons such as those also play into my reasoning to not be excited for my future. It just feels like so much to manage my emotions and thoughts and words. On top of that, working for the rest of my life paying bills and trying my best to be satisfied is not the life I want. I think if I could, I would move to a small country, adopt a child and live a quiet peaceful life with my daughter/son. It seems like one of the goals I do heavily care about is being happy and wanting to live, because at the moment I have neither of these.

Well, I kinda lied. I do also want love. But love without having to perform and constantly prove myself. I wish I had a hand to hold onto when things get hard or someone to hug when I really needed but that's besides the point.

Anyways, sorry this post is all over the place but I was just sharing some thoughts I had. There is so much more but it would take a long time to type it all out. Thanks.

My mental health was reallv bad. Because of this. I didn't complete a semester in college. I didn't tell anvone about it because I was afraid of the reaction, especially from my parents. Today I received a letter informing me that they had removed me from the list of students. I cried. I didn't tell my mom the whole truth. Only said that i have a bad semester, but I' catch up and evervthing will be fine. I'm afraid my parents will hate me because school and monev are the most important thing to them. And as long as I was studying, they were getting money because i was student

ive been depressed for over a decade at this point. from ages 11-23. i did therapy for a little bit, self harmed, exercised, vaped (i quit and am sober now), made friends, drank, journaled, intentionally put myself out there and hung out with people, went outside, etc. ive done everything that i thought would help, regardless of if it was actually helpful or harmful. none of it helped. i hate being alive. every day is genuinely a struggle for me and im always hurting. i cry every day. i keep wishing for a better life. i just want to stop being in pain and crying every day. i want to be happy for once.

Hey all, I'm really struggling with hygiene lately. I'm unable to get in the shower (it's been an embarrassingly long time since my last shower) and all I can think about is how bad I must smell. Please offer some help on how to make showering easier.

Part of the problem is that I'm worried my mom or her husband will say something about it when I DO shower (since I don't shower very often) and that'll make me feel disgusted and embarrassed. I also struggle washing my sheets and my clothes so I'll just be gross again by the next day. I haven't been able to brush my teeth either but I floss when I can.

Even when I'm not "feeling" depressed, I still can't get myself to do hygiene routines because it feels too draining. I appreciate any help you guys have to offer, thank you :)

usually I can look forward to things but lately no nothing like what good can happen anytime. everything just feels like it’s going down like there isn’t much hope with anything or anyone anymore. what the point of keep getting up doing the same thing over and over again? for what only to be let down again I don’t know I’m just overwhelmed I do all the things try to be grateful journal go for a walk get in nature but it just feels like why??? i usually see the brighter side of things but lately no.

It's this affliction. It's ruining my life and that's the problem. I don't want to die because I don't want to live. I want to die because living in this state is too much to bear. I want to die because I can't handle watching so much life go to waste anymore. I want to love life. And I can't. That's the problem.

I can't feel guaranteed peace either at home or outside anywhere. In my last years of high school, I constantly had some problems with teachers who were passive aggressive towards me for no reason. They yell and give me bad grades that I don't have. I probably would have just endured it again and could have been at peace at home, but I live in an apartment and the walls here are quite thin and, unfortunately, both of my neighbors are quite loud. They don't really care about complaints or they start to get offended themselves as if it's my fault that I asked them to be quieter in the middle of the night.

It's quite difficult to accept something like "be more optimistic" or "take it easy". I constantly hear this, as if I should just stop crying from stress or just go and solve the problems that I've been trying to solve countless times for weeks now. When I leave the house I'm already not very happy, but at school it seems like a whole russian roulette at what point I won't be able to withstand another attack or inappropriate word from the teachers.

When I was talking to the principal she asked "you have friends in class, right?" And I just burst into tears. I don't think she wanted to offend me, and I myself am quite comfortable (?) being alone because mentally I can't maintain communication for a long time. I stopped communicating with my online friends as well because I think they didn't care about me and they themselves are most likely in the same situation. But sometimes I feel uncomfortable with how much they try to ignore me in class. I can come to classes, but they might mark me as not being there today or something like that.

I don't really like to talk about problems and I often try to just sleep and wake up with a clear mind. But lately (for a year or more now) the only thing I dream about every day are nightmares where I am most likely dying or on the verge of death. Every time I wake up I feel the stress that was there and I can’t get over it for another day as if it really happened. When I die in my sleep I feel it and it seems to me that this is really so until I wake up.

As for treatment, I don't have the best experience with psychotherapy. I live where it's not very popular and many people are just angry and rude. I went there for the first time when I felt really bad and couldn't do anything. My mother doesn't really care how I look from the outside and she thinks it's normal. I myself, through force and shame, asked her to take me there. Later I found a psychotherapist myself, to be honest there are really very few of them here. After that they gave me some medication which made me feel very panicked and I couldn't sleep and started crying again. Seeing this, my mother, I don't know why, called relatives, and then kicked me, telling me to immediately calm down and stop pretending. Later I forced myself to stop so that she would leave quickly and I didn’t want to talk to her. She often does this and then apologizes and says "take it easy" and "well, I didn't mean to, that was in the past" or maybe "I already apologized, what else can I do for you?", I don't like it when people ask me directly, as if I should give them instructions on how to behave or something like that. This seems strange to me.

I told the therapist about this incident, she didn't seem to care about it and just continued to offer me to pay her again for a new session or something like that.

The other doctor just nodded constantly throughout the entire session, and that seemed to be it. That was also a paid service, by the way.

In a situation when I have no one to tell about what I feel, only my mother remains. She often tries to gain my trust, but I still feel very uncomfortable and ask her every time to stop suddenly massaging my shoulders, which make them hurt, or to stop touching me or hugging. Every conversation with her about this ends with the phrase "just tell me what I need to do." However, she is not so kind or neutral when we are not alone. If my siblings and I are together, she becomes very cold and dismissive again, like in my childhood. Recently she snapped at me again and said that I was an ungrateful child or something like that. When I cried she just told me to stop or at least do it more quietly because I was noisy. None of my words about how I sometimes don’t want to live are taken seriously. When she urgently needs something or gets tired of it, she apologizes and again starts to forcefully hug me against my will. After such an apology, she said that I do not have depression (although I was diagnosed with it twice) and that I am just a bad person and I need to be better. That this is my thinking and I just need to stop and that's all.

Not a single person took my words seriously when I said that I didn’t want to live and they said that I was just lazy or started saying that it was because of me that my mother was feeling bad. I don't deny that my mother may be a good person, but when it comes to mental health, she's definitely terrible, both in my childhood and now. Because of her, I have severe derealization (diagnosed) because as a child I was never able to recover from her words and simply convinced myself that it was all not true. I still barely recognize myself in space.

I wouldn't like to complain, but sometimes it's really hard for me to keep all this on myself or something. Right now I'd like to at least sit quietly at home, but right now I can hear the noise of the neighbors (both night and day). And at school, everything is as usual (I mean not good). I don't want to die, but severe stress and all this makes me bury myself underground, away from all people and recent events :(

i’m 23 and i have two friends and they hang out with their other friends, go on trips, and do lots of fun stuff. when i see them having fun and enjoying their life, i get really sad. not because i want to be doing it too, but because i don’t want to? i feel like ive clung onto them because i don’t want to make new friends and hang out with new people, and it’s extremely embarrassing.

ill be having an okay day and they’ll talk about how they’re doing this really cool thing and all of a sudden i’ll just get sad. some days it’s even what pushes me over the edge. not because im jealous—ive considered that, and im truly happy for them.

life just feels incredibly boring and unsatisfying even when i try to do the things that im passionate about. nothing seems worth it anymore, and im more frustrated that i have to be living than anything else. i’m in therapy and have a good care team, ive just lost the motivation to live.

From 2020 during the COVID-19 pandemic until 2024, I pursued a degree in computer science at a university. At one point during this period, I came very close to giving up. My parents encouraged me, and I managed to push through. Throughout my studies, I never failed a single exam and maintained a solid grade average.

Then, in 2024, I began my bachelor’s thesis, and that is when I fell into a deep slump. From the very start, beginning with the process of selecting a topic, I struggled to communicate effectively with my supervisors. I also made the mistake of registering the thesis too early, even though the structure was unclear and hadn't been discussed with my supervisor. I wanted everything to be perfect. Driven by this high standard, I over-planned, gathering far too many courses, books, and articles. During the writing phase, my supervisor criticized my work at every meeting and demanded improvements, which only raised the bar even higher. I began to feel paralyzed and started procrastinating. I couldn't even get out of bed, gripped by an intense fear of failure. In the end, I had nothing of any real use, perhaps ten pages and a small project. My supervisor told me it wouldn't be a problem; I could simply write the thesis the following semester on the same topic, provided I rephrased the research question.

So, I tried to prepare better this time before registering anything. I managed to keep it up for a month, but then the procrastination set in again. It wasn't until the end of the semester in 2025 that I finally realized something was wrong with me. It was like waking up as if, until that moment, I had simply been running on autopilot. Since I still live with my parents, I opened up to them. Before that, I had always lied to them, claiming I was working on my thesis, a deception that also led me to withdraw significantly. My parents suggested that I try to re-engage with life before tackling my bachelor’s thesis. That worked for a while, but the thesis was constantly on my mind, and I naturally kept trying to study for it. I became increasingly desperate. I developed such an intense fear that I couldn’t even bring myself to go near my computer. As a result, I felt completely incapable of handling even the simplest tasks. I stopped eating and showering, spending all my time in bed, consumed by negative thoughts that only worsened my mental state.

Because of this, my parents stepped in and looked for a psychologist, a difficult task these days, given how overwhelmed the system is. Eventually, they found one, and I began attending sessions. It was all very unfamiliar to me, as I had never faced such issues before. During this period, I was essentially running on autopilot. I began to see suicide as my only remaining option.

Every day, my mind is caught in a relentless loop: Do I even want to work in this field? Does this field even have a future, given the rise of AI? How many years have I wasted? If I drop out, will all my progress be lost? Will I end up regretting it? And if I start something new, won’t I just end up dropping that, too, just like my studies? I simply have no idea what I want anymore. I can no longer see a future, and I am in a state of complete despair.

The therapy didn’t help, and I hit such a severe mental block that I couldn’t bring myself to go back, which led to me stopping the sessions. My last glimmer of hope was a sociotherapist who supported me throughout 2026, following my decision to drop out. As a result, I began establishing a daily routine again, going for walks and sticking to set sleep times. There have been ups and downs. But as the number of semesters keeps rising and I get older, new anxieties have surfaced; everything feels like it’s happening too late. I regret not pushing through and finishing my bachelor’s thesis the first time around. Moreover, my sociotherapist let me down even though he had promised me he wouldn’t do the same thing my previous therapist did.

I’m trapped in a rut again; I have little appetite and can’t bring myself to leave the house. Everyone tells me I should focus on getting healthy first to pick up where I left off back in 2026. But everything feels so slow and pointless. I’ll be turning 27 next year. No one seems to understand that I need a sense of direction or purpose. Even if I do manage to complete my bachelor’s thesis, I don’t believe I’ll ever work in that field. Yet, I have no idea what else I might want to do. If I drop out now, it means all these years have been a waste. I’m also worried that this might foster a mindset where I always quit whenever things get difficult.

I just don’t feel ready for life; it’s as if I’m broken. Not only that, but I don’t recognize myself at all anymore. The only solution that makes sense to me is suicide. But even that scares me, so I suppose I keep putting it off.