I need outside input

[u/Impossible2Search]

Let me start off by saying I didn't grow up with my dad he was absent my mother was abusive and I was taken by CPS as a teenager. So I lived with my mother who also was extremely abusive, toxic and a narcissist. I maybe saw my father like a Hi and bye situation nothing more, about 4 times in my childhood. So naturally I don't have good memories of my childhood. I hated it to be honest.

Now as an adult, my father is now reaching out every now and then. My mother gave him my phone number. Major eye roll. He Texts me Happy Birthday on my birthday. Sometimes asks me to send him photos. The thing is I don't know this man. My mother and him now talk because they live close by and he visits her. I visited her once (I had to) and he was there. I noticed there is something... (I hope this doesn't come off wrong) Off with him. I believe he may be on the spectrum. I feel like thats no excuse for him being absent, because he has shown that if he wanted to he would, in my opinion. I mean he is able to visit my mom now but he could not do that with me? Also he is normal maybe doesn't talk as much but he is capable of messaging but never did he call when I was a child nor did we get any money from him. Am I judging him too harshly?

[u/BusyBrain456]

Autism is an explanation for weird vibes not a free pass for child abandonment.

[u/Impossible2Search → u/BusyBrain456]

I was not sure of what to make of it since I am not knowledgeable on that matter. But you're right it's not a free pass. 

[u/Abbreviationflora]

You’re not judging him too harshly. Being absent for your entire childhood isn’t something a birthday text and a few photo requests can make up for. You don’t owe him a relationship just because he’s finally reaching out, and you can be open to getting to know him without pretending the past didn’t happen.

[u/FunAd6672 → u/Abbreviationflora]

Exactly. Reaching out now doesn't erase the past.

[u/Impossible2Search → u/Abbreviationflora]

You're absolutely right, and him asking for photos is weird. I don't really know him. So I never sent him any.  My mother on the other hand does not respect boundaries.  I had All I've said to him is thanks. That's about it. I don't need him now so I really don't want a relationship with him. 

[u/Stay_Sea_Motivated]

Weird vibes or an awesome personality are kind of irrelevant. He wasn’t there. Have you ever asked him why? Your mom was horrible so leaving her makes sense but why did he leave you? Did he ever try and your mother didn’t allow it? You should get his side of the story imo but he is basically a stranger

[u/Impossible2Search → u/Stay_Sea_Motivated]

He didn't even try. At some point he lived with his sister who was about 20 minutes away from us yet never visited me once or called even though our phone number was the same my entire childhood (yes landline im old) I was always allowed to answer the phone cause my mother was lazy too. My mother although abusive she would have had let him see me because  she liked to be portrayed as the "good guy."  Now he visits my mom and calls her. So I guess even if he is autistic I can see he was capable but not willing to do the same for me.

[u/Kryzela]

No you’re not being harsh. He had the chance to be in your life and he did not, there’s really no excuse for that. If you think you don’t want him in your life, that decision will be justified

[u/Ambitious_Serve_789]

Never knew my dad, never met him! My mum wasn’t perfect but at least she tried! Is all I’m going to say 🙂

[u/Starwood3]

You aren't judging him harshly. The double standard is real, and your feelings are completely valid here