I'm sitting here trying to figure out how you can love someone so much and still feel like you might need to walk away from them.

I'm in my 30s, a single mom to a little girl, and I'm in a relationship that's making me question everything.

I love this man. I really do. When things are good between us, I'm happy. I love being close to him, I love his company, and I love the person I see underneath all the stuff that's hurting our relationship. I don't think he's a bad person. That's what makes this so damn hard.

But living with him is a completely different story.

He has diagnosed ADHD and isn't medicated. I'm trying so hard to understand what that means for him and for us. I know ADHD isn't just being distracted or forgetting things. It can affect motivation, organisation, emotional regulation, impulse control and so much more. I don't want to be unfair to him for something he struggles with.

But I'm exhausted.

He's messy, he forgets things, he procrastinates, and things don't get done unless I ask. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a child instead of a partner. I hate even saying that because I know how horrible it sounds, but it's honestly how I feel sometimes.

Since we've moved into our house, he's folded laundry and done some gardening. He's done the dishes maybe five times in a couple of months. I'm not expecting him to do everything. I just want him to NOTICE things. To see that something needs doing and do it without me having to ask, remind him, explain it again and then feel like the bad guy when I'm frustrated.

I already have a demanding job, a little girl, and a household to keep running. I don't want to spend the rest of my life managing another adult.

Then there's the anger and irritability. He can snap, have emotional outbursts and get angry over things. There was an incident where he threw a spade during an angry moment, and it made me uncomfortable. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells or wondering what mood I'm going to get.

I know ADHD can contribute to emotional regulation problems. But at what point do I stop trying to understand the reason and start looking at how this relationship is actually affecting me?

Financially, things aren't easy either. He earns around R8,000 a month and contributes R3,000 to our household. He has debts to pay, and his financial situation is complicated. He works long hours, around 54 hours a week, and I know he's tired. I'm not ignoring that. I know he's struggling in his own way.

But I'm carrying a lot, too. And I can't keep feeling like it's my job to hold everything together while hoping that one day things will be different.

He has a passion for butterflies, and I've watched him struggle with work and difficult situations involving that passion. I feel for him. I want him to be happy and successful. I want life to be easier for him. But I can't fix everything for him, and I can't keep putting my own needs aside because I feel sorry for what he's going through.

We've also had issues with promises and trust. We agreed on no alcohol, and he drank one beer. He made a point of saying it was only one. But that wasn't the point for me. We agreed on ZERO. It wasn't about how much he drank. It was about giving me his word and then breaking it.

We've had conversations about change. He's said he would find a job, and at one point he even offered to move out so I could feel safe. Sometimes I see him trying, and I get hope again. I think, maybe we can do this. Maybe things will finally change.

And then I find myself wondering if we're going to end up right back where we started.

Our intimacy has suffered, too. We haven't had sex since the beginning of September. I miss feeling close to him like that. I miss feeling like we're a couple instead of two people trying to get through the day.

And here's the part that's absolutely killing me.

My daughter LOVES him.

She loves him so deeply. And the thought of breaking her heart makes me feel sick. She's little. She doesn't understand adult relationships or compatibility or why two people who love each other might not be able to live together.

I don't want to take someone she loves away from her. But I also have to think about what kind of home I'm creating for her. I don't want her growing up thinking that loving someone means being unhappy, carrying all the responsibility or constantly hoping they'll change.

I feel guilty even thinking about leaving because I know she would be hurt. But I also know I can't make my relationship decisions based only on how much my daughter loves him.

And the truth is, if he asked me to marry him today, I'd say no.

That sentence hurts more than I can explain, because I LOVE HIM. So what am I doing? What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you love if you can't imagine building a life with them?

I've started wondering whether we should live separately but continue dating. Maybe I need to stop living with him to see whether we actually work as a couple without all the daily friction. Maybe he needs the space to figure himself out, get help for his ADHD and learn to manage his own life.

But then I wonder if I'm just dragging out a breakup I already know is coming.

I don't want to give up on him if this is something we could work through. I don't expect perfection. I don't expect him to suddenly become someone else. I just want a partner. Someone I can lean on. Someone who takes responsibility. Someone who makes my life feel a little less heavy, not heavier.

And I want to be that person for him, too.

I'm scared that I'm going to spend years waiting for potential instead of accepting reality. I'm also scared that I'll walk away from someone I genuinely love and spend the rest of my life wondering if we could have made it work.

So please, if you've been here, tell me what happened.

Have you ever loved someone deeply but realised you just couldn't live with them?

If your partner had ADHD, did treatment and genuine effort actually change your relationship? Or did you eventually realise that understanding their struggles didn't mean you could live with them?

Has anyone tried living separately while staying together? Did it save your relationship, or did it just delay the inevitable?

And if a child deeply loves your partner, how do you make a decision knowing that leaving could hurt them, too?

Would you stay and give him another chance? Would you move out but keep dating? Or would you walk away?

I don't need to hear that he's a terrible person. I don't think he is. And I don't need someone to tell me I'm stupid for loving him.

I just need someone to help me understand how you can love someone with your whole heart and still wonder if being with them is the wrong decision.

Because right now, I honestly don't know whether I'm fighting for a relationship worth saving or just struggling to let go of someone I love.

I’m a divorced single mum with two kids, met a guy from my home town who somehow I’d never really connected with and fell in love. After I asked to take it slow initially, we were casual for a year before our feelings had clearly grown and he asked for us to be exclusive. It was magic and I love spending time with him. We’d go to gigs, cook together, watch telly and the intimacy was the best I’ve had.

He’s an INTP, and I believe he is undiagnosed AuDHD. Brilliant in maths, patterns and systems, loves his routines, very introverted, a deep thinker, he felt like exactly the calm and peace I needed.

But a few months ago I started noticing he was less warm and affectionate, more cold and detached, his reactions to things were not just a bit weird but often hostile.

Then I found a bottle of dexies in his cupboard. He’d never mentioned them. I’d talked about everything, my divorce, my health, therapy etc so for him to have not told me about them was pretty crushing.
He said he got them from a friend to focus at work. I urged him to see a GP. Then he withdrew again and when he came out of it he was very hostile and defensive. He said he was sick of being told what to do and threatened to end the relationship so I did it for him because I won’t be treated like that. He said “oh, okay then” and didn’t even fight. He was back on tinder in 24 hours using our shared hobby as a new prompt.

I’m reeling from the quick turn around in a brilliant man who said I made him more comfortable than anyone else, to this hollowed, cruel version I barely recognise.

Can anyone tell me what happened here? Will I ever hear from him again?

Hello! Posting on a throwaway account because my boyfriend is an active redditor.

I've been in a relationship for the past 11 months, he was dx when he was younger and has never been medicated. From what I've read, there are some things that seem like they might be ADHD related, but also a lot that doesn't seem to fit. I'm unsure what might be ADHD related, and what might just be excuses to not put in effort and I wasn't sure where to turn.

While he struggles to get going on certain tasks (like school work, hygiene, cleaning, texting people back if it's not urgent), he seems very capable and able to stay on top of most things (getting to places on time, managing his schedule, cooking, car repairs, appointments, important events, etc). He leaves cupboard doors open, is very disorganized and messy, often forgets where certain items are (but not important items, always remembers keys, phone, wallet, etc). Doesn't seem to need physical reminders like notes or a calander or alarms to remember what he has to do.

He initiates physical closeness sometimes, but I usually have to seek it out. We agreed we both like more spontaneous sex, but unless I'm putting in the effort to do it, it doesn't usually happen. He doesn't remember so many of our conversations or the things I talk to him about. Sometimes he seems very into me and spending time with me, but more often it seems he could go forever without texting me, engaging with me, or doing things with me. But he keeps talking about the future with me in mind, seems excited when he sees me, holds me real tight and close as we're falling asleep. But he seems to prefer spending time together when he decides he wants to see me. He says it never crosses his mind to say that he loves me or give me compliments/say things he likes about me, that it should just be known because he's with me. He has said in the past that he doesn't usually miss people, but has had moments where he's missed me (this hasn't happened in a couple months).

He seems very drawn to novelty, gets very distracted by pretty women, likes fast/dynamic music, likes unexpected things and new experiences. Really likes it when things are fun and easy.

Sometimes he'll seem very hyper and excited about things, has moments of talking a lot, interrupts frequently. Other times he could spend hours and hours playing chess/scrolling reddit and not engaging with anyone at all (he once played chess for 12hrs straight). He struggles having important/difficult conversations, will get very focused on one point even when I say that's not what it's about. During difficult conversations he will either get very defensive, angry, or shut down. Sometimes he seems genuinely interested in a difficult conversation and trying to work on areas that need improvement, but then it's like he forgets and the conversation never happened.

I'm seeking clarity because I love him. I can be understanding if it is all genuinely related to his ADHD diagnosis, figure out ways to work with him, but if it's simply laziness and a lack of care to put in effort then I have some things to reconsider before moving forward.

hello both me (18f) and my partner (17m) have adhd, he is formally diagnosed and medicated but im not diagnosed yet medicated with a nonstimulant.

he says often he will "be right back" and has to do something (like clean his room for instance today, it was not that dirty) and then he will just not text me for awhile. I dont understand that f he's getting off the phone to do something, why can't he tell me he at least isn't coming back? he is better sometimes but im tired of requesting this of him. I feel hurt because im waiting for him to come back like he implied but next thing I know 2-3 hours later i ask him wyd and he texts me he's hanging out with his dad. I want to respect his time but it just hurts that he doesn't lmk he isn't coming back. I just feel bad because i dont want to seem like im micromanaging him but I expect him to at least let me know he's not gonna be back. we have talked about this a LOT. :( he's apologetic when it happens but it just hurts how do i cope with it

This is partly just me venting, but feedback is appreciated. It sucks, it fucking sucks, connecting with people feels incredibly hard, and I swear to God half the time anyone who does try to connect with me it's so they can treat me poorly. This is friends and relationships but especially relationships. Which in turn makes future relationships harder because you get scared and sick of being hurt. I had a deep connection with a partner awhile ago, and I'm still not sure if it was real or them manipulating me, I mean there was definitely manipulation but was that all it was? They claimed to have ADHD as well (I have some doubts but not my place to determine), and in reality we probably wouldn't of lasted, which almost sucks more because how can I feel like this is the closest I've connected and still know it wouldn't have been enough?!?

I struggle to like myself or have any confidence or self esteem, and honestly just don't see a long happy living relationship in my life. But like, it feels like such an essential part of what I want in life, how can I just sit back and accept that? I work on myself, I'm a kind caring person, why is it so hard? And life just has me burnt out, my brain isn't meant for all this corporate work structure bullshit, I'm tired and I just want to feel okay but I can't. I will say I say least left them, as much as it sucked I didn't deserve them making me feel insane constantly. But they immediately found someone new, we tried to stay friends, but they clearly were treating the new partner the same, and from what I last heard they got married, their new partner seemed nice, and I caught the ex trying to cheat on their new partner and i talked to the new partner about it.

They refused to hear my warnings, would I have been better being ignorant and putting up with it like them? And I know if they realize it at all they are suffering like I did and wouldn't wish that on anyone. But they likely won't if they didn't accept what I told them. And here my ex gets to have a good job, be married, and have the life they couldn't have got to without my support, and I'm what?! Left in shambles, struggling more than ever from what they put me through, and worse off for everything? Why do the shittiest people get everything in life while we struggle because kindness gets you walked on? It fucking sucks! I'm just tired of it all and think I'll just suffer alone in silence forever.

My 50s F / Husband 50s (dx) on meds

He can be such an amazing husband.

No matter how small the issue is—whether it’s forgetting a major chore or relationship milestone, breaking something, or saying something genuinely hurtful and just plain mean—he is completely incapable of ever just saying, "I’m sorry, I messed up." But of course demands apologies from me no matter what.

Usually, if I bring something up about an instance, I’m met with his denying and somehow spinning words to himself being the victim, which just adds hurt to my hurt.

With the lack of an apology, sometime he’ll be overly nice for a few days but never acknowledge the elephant in the room (what he did wrong). Then I feel odd about bringing up the instance again. I feel like his sudden "niceness" may be his way of knowing he did something that upset me, but I still mentally need an acknowledgment and apology.

I assume with his "nice" behavior he’s trying to erase what happened; but the pain is still here in me.

Recently, I carefully wrote a note to him and handed it to him on a quiet morning (after his meds had settled in) about this recent event and politely requesting an apology from him. I knew it was a long shot. He quietly read it, placed it aside, and has never brought it up since. (The niceness started before the note).

(Note: I understand breaking things, albeit rare, is crossing a line. I also understand the roles of RSD and DARVO here.)

Anyone have any insight or suggestions for me? Is there any way I could possibly get issues like this resolved with him? TY in advance.

Does anyone know about biological cycles of connection and detachment in people with audhd, pda, rsd? I.e. a predictable cycle of two weeks on (mostly connected, loving, fun, engaged, sexy, passionate), two weeks off (distant, detached, low libido, disengaged, emotionally unavailable)? Like clockwork for years? This is the case with my spouse.

I've considered a few options: cross over with my luteal phase (doesn't consistently align tho), provoked by rship conflict (not always present), job or family stress (sometimes it doesn't align either).

I understand the idea of invest and collapse maybe... or difficulty regulating energy or focus so it's all or nothing.

I have to be careful what I say and do in the detachment phase. If I show signs of distress (which I always feel), it can set off a defensive shame spiral and make the phase last even longer. I'm audhd too.

It's gone on for years and decimates our rship very frequently. I started tracking the pattern a year ago and was shocked that it's every single month. 10-14 days of withdrawal.

Any insights? Thanks.

I'm (25f) new to dating (I was with my first and only bf for 6 years and have been single for about a year) and I've found myself in a bit of an awkward spot.

There's a guy I really like, he's funny and we get along great. He's treating me really well and it's helping me to understand why my previous relationship was so terrible. We've been seeing one another/going on dates for about a month now and he's said he's wanting to make things official (if I'm ready).

I was already unsure if I'm ready for a new relationship before we met, but a big reason I'm hung up on making things official with him is because he's just so... normal?

I'm very ADHD. I find I need stupid nonsensical humour to keep me entertained (which he fulfills), and the occasional super passionate conversations into hyper-specific topics to keep me invested/interested (which he doesn't fulfill).

I also feel things pretty intensely, and typically look to others for validation or a chance to express them outwardly and expel them from my system. So I have a lot of friends who love to empathize and be a part of rants/tangents.

This guy is really sweet, but I'm learning he just doesn't think sometimes. Not in a stupid way, like no thoughts in his head -his words. Idk how that's possible but apparently it is lol. I can't relate and I find it kind of terrifying.

Recently I had a pretty anxious mood swing, and he just kept reiterating that he's there to listen to me if I need to talk or unload my thoughts/feelings, but when I did so he'd have no expressions and give me super basic answers like, "yeah, I understand that." Or "yeah, that sucks". And nothing else.

He was literally doing what he said he'd do - listen. And I knew he'd listen for as long as I could/wanted to talk. I just found it jarring and felt like he was shutting me down, even though he definitely wasn't. I guess I'm used to more lively responses/reactions.

He also doesn't have any hyper-fixations. I pepper him with questions all day, and thankfully he doesn't seem to mind at all, but I'm dumfounded by how impartial he is to most things. He doesn't really feel strongly about anything by comparison to me. It's making me feel kinda crazy and childish.

I'm sure this sounds like a pretty cut-and-dry case of a harmless incompatibility, except that I've had a few people say that it actually might be a good dynamic for me. That sometimes having one person who's always consistent in their mood/opinions and processing can be stabilizing for someone who's the total opposite. I really like him, he's funny, kind, and is treating me well. But I'm not sure what part of my overthinking mind I should be listening to.

So yeah - I've made my way to reddit with the hope that some strangers might share some wisdom 😅

Please and thank you!

romantic relationships. i got diagnosed w combined adhd when i was 15, started meds pretty immediately afterwards. my entire life before then all throughout my teens & pre-teens i lived my life in my head daydreaming so deeply and constantly it’s not something i’ve ever admitted out loud to anybody in my real life & never will. a lot of these involving romance, sexual thoughts etc. maybe a concerning amount for my age. my point is lack of curiosity or knowledge hasnt ever been my issue with relationships.

to this day i’ve never had a boyfriend though i theoretically want one some of the time, whenever a guy shows real interest in me i get so repulsed and immediately ignore, any interest i give back is never face to face because i can’t do vulnerability like even in the smallest ways. when i was younger i put it down to the fact i wasn’t attractive anyways so there was no point in trying with guys so i kinda gave myself an easy way out when comparing to my friends, but after starting meds (i had severe BED before starting, which meant i was overweight & felt very unattractive), ive become conventionally attractive so now i have no excuse to be denying people who have interest in me.

i cant explain it to people in my real life because it sounds so weird and almost narcissistic but i cant be vulnerable with anyone who has romantic interest in me because i feel like i always need to have the power (this is the way ive always explained it??) and its because even since i was very young ive had this fear of telling someone something and then they use it against me, or me trusting someone and then they turn out to not be who i thought and then i am weak and vulnerable. its like trust issues but i dont have a reason to have these issues because ive never had a boyfriend as i said so no one’s ever done me wrong in that way. there’s also the issue of the fact i need alone time like 90% of the time and the idea of a partner is a burden i dont even want to think about because id be exhausted and angry 24/7, but i think this is adhd, but not sure about the control & vulnerability part.

sorry for how long winded this is i just cant really tell anyone in my real life about this cause it’s embarrassing lol. thankyou to anyone who read this ill take anyone’s opinions or insights on wtf is wrong w me.

❤️💯