Grew up always had an amazing almost perfect relationship with my mother… untillllllll…. I became a mother I started to remember things as my daughters started to get older i started to see it’s so easy to love your kids… when my daughter dances to her favorite movie and songs ( kpop demon hunter)I clap and smile, my mom used to called me sl*t ( never danced inappropriately) . I was 7 years old I didn’t even know the word meaning yet… when my daughter gets lazy I tell her no baby go clean, your room is like your tiny house, you have to keep it clean and they listen. I remember my mom calls me ugly and the N word, and cuss me with words i don’t even understand, i was 6 when i heard ( co*k su*ker) i didn’t even know what was it that i suck. I grew up hating my dad because my mom dumped all her trauma on me making him the bad guy. Now i feel horrible, i love my dad and I miss him but i barely talk to him there is no communication between us. We kiss and hug each other every Christmas and on birthdays. Is it normal to start remembering now suddenly? I literally never thought about it before. Just suddenly all hit me? Am I being dramatic? Just needed to share because i feel guilty and bad that i despise my mom, that I want to tell her everything but I just can’t. Not saying she is bad, she was also good at times.

One thing that can be hard about parenting is realising how much your own childhood experiences can affect the way you respond to your kids. Sometimes a child's crying, anger, or refusal to listen can bring up feelings you didn't expect, especially if those emotions weren't handled well in your own home growing up.

Breaking those patterns isn't always easy. You can genuinely want to parent differently from how you were raised and still find yourself reacting in ways you wish you hadn't. Learning to recognise those moments, pause before reacting, and repair things with your child afterwards takes time and patience. It can be especially difficult when you're still working through your own feelings while trying to be there for your children.

For those who feel comfortable sharing, what situations tend to trigger you most as a parent? Have you found anything that helps you respond differently when those old feelings come up?

I am so ashamed. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I screamed ugly today. I struggle and I lost the battle today. My child hits me so hard and sometimes i stay calm and sometimes i react. They needed a change since they pooped and they kept saying they still need to poop even though they did. I did everything right, I said we need to do this for your booty to not hurt, I sat on the floor with them I even told them what would happen and that I was going to pick them up to help them change. They slapped me one and I was able to breathe through it and then they slapped my face so hard i felt it through my skin. I’m still shaking even now. It still hurts. But I lost it—I was holding them and screamed so loud to stop hitting me. I was so angry but I knew I couldn’t hurt them so I stamped my foot and just screamed. This isn’t every time but it does happen sometimes when i get so triggered and feel attacked. I’m on zoloft, have been doing therapy, and even had a child behavior specialist come help me and my husband work with our child so we could understand better and I’m still struggling. I don’t want to be verbally abusive. I don’t want them scared of me. I did wrong and the shame is hard to bear. But I did wrong and should feel bad.

I’m a mom to a 4 yr old and lately I’ve been struggling with my emotions as a parent.
I love my daughter more than anything, and I want so badly to be a 24/7 gentle, patient mom who makes her feel safe and secure. But when she starts losing it/having a meltdown, I sometimes get so overwhelmed that I end up raising my voice.
Sometimes it’s frustration..sometimes it’s anxiety because she’s so upset, and sometimes I’m just mentally exhausted. It really depends on the situation. I hate that I react this way because I know she’s only 4 and she’s still learning how to regulate her emotions.
Tonight, we had a difficult moment over something as simple as wiping herself after using the bathroom. I was trying to encourage her independence, but things escalated, and she became extremely upset. Afterward, I felt absolutely horrible. I’ve been sitting here worrying about whether moments like these could affect her emotionally, and I can’t stop feeling guilty.
The hardest part is that I feel like I’m the only mom who struggles with this. I see so much about gentle parenting and staying calm, and I truly want to do those things. But in the moment I don’t always handle things the way I wish I did.
I don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling like she can’t come to me when she’s upset. I want her to feel safe expressing her emotions. I also want to teach her independence and boundaries without feeling like I’m losing my mind. I just want to learn how to handle these situations better. Have any of you struggled with this? How do you go about these kinds of situations?
I could really use some honest advice and reassurance that I’m not alone.

Last night my 4 year old was throwing a tantrum and my emotions got the best of me. I ended up breaking her toy in front of her because I got upset and threw it. Shortly afterwards I apologized to her and explained that it was wrong what I did and told her I'd replace the toy. I feel so bad. I've NEVER laid a hand on my children and will not. Breaking her toy....that's something my dad would've done. It's wrong. I'm not even the parent that believes in spanking because of the abuse that happened to me as a child. My childhood was terrible and I don't want that for my kids. I don't want to mess my kids up. I love them so much. I don't want my kids to experience angry parents like I had to.

Hello everybody,

So, little back story with the whole thing. I was in the military and for my whole time in I worked a terrible shift where I barely got to spend time with my family / wife was a stay at home mom.

My wife and I got into a nasty phase while living in NC where I was stations and she ended up moving back to our home state. I only got to visit about 2 times for the 10 month span that she was away.

Now, I’ve gotten out of the military and have been home for about 2 1/2 months. We decided to try again for our boys once I got home but it didn’t get any better so we decided to start the divorce process. I’ve moved out and this is my first week alone with my boys, one is 3 years old and the other is 8 months.

My 3 year old is constantly saying he needs to go back home, needs mom etc. We can be in the middle of playing and he will say it, but mostly the times when we’ve leave my home and then get back or in the mornings etc.

Just curious on how to make this better because it hurts my heart.

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

Hello,

I have a 17 year old son who is deeply depressed. He is in therapy now, but still cutting off friends. Over the past year he has had thoughts of harm toward himself and others.

I don’t feel I grew up with trauma. Certainly have some social anxiety and I’m not great at fitting in with the crowd, but I think I was just born wired that way. He is similar but has it way harder than I ever did.

He feels he has been through trauma (and there has legitimately been extreme bullying at school and high stress from a split household), so I’m trying to understand him. He says the only person left in the world who does is his girlfriend, but she has many similar dark thoughts, self harm, etc. I’m afraid they have trauma bonded and are in a co-dependent relationship, and they kind of spiral downward together. He does some crazy things (runaway attempts even) when he believes he is protecting her. Cops, CPS, etc, have been called to her home multiple times, but they never find anything. She obviously needs help she’s not getting but her parents refuse to acknowledge the need. She claims they are the problem, and they might be, but there are other times I think they are legitimately trying their best, but screwing up by trying to fix her distress by downplaying it. There’s just a lot that I can’t see from where I sit though.

Parenting subs have some stuff on teenagers dealing with depression, but only here and there. CPTSD has some good insights, but it’s not necessarily from the point of view of someone just trying to figure out how to help them both. This sub has helpful stuff, but again, I think I grew up pretty well— so maybe still kind of a square peg in a round hole here.

Any suggestions? My son holds it together very well on the surface, but for what he’s going through underneath I can’t imagine the energy it’s taking to hold it all together. I’m only working half time, because I am barely even able to hold it together, and afraid of what will happen if I can’t respond to the next crisis in the moment. My work takes some travel— but just burning through built up leave right now because it feels like I need to be here for him. Really looking for the right place for some legitimate advice.

My husband is a good man. I mean, if you can believe a (complete online) stranger, then please suspend disbelief and keep reading.

My son is 15. His stepfather has been around since he was 3yo. My husband sees him as his son and loves him deeply. My son has all the attitude and moodiness normal for his age. My husband has spent almost 40 years in military, law enforcement, or government service. He has experienced unspeakable trauma. This is not an excuse. Period. Full stop. But is it a reason to throw away the whole man?

Husband and my son (his stepson) had a petty argument which turned physical. Husband put hands around son’s neck - no choking but brief redness at the contact site. I told him to leave immediately or I’d call 911. He refused, so I called. He was arrested, and released that same night. He is remorseful, and wants to do better. He has already enrolled in an anger management course, and has been heavily involved in treatment for his combat related CPTSD. I believe that he momentarily lost control and is not a monster. We have a child together as well, 10yo, and my older child, 17. I think many parents, myself included, make mistakes and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

Edit: both the 15 and 17yo are with their father for the time being, who is supportive of everyone (but also a flawed human like all of us). My 10yo has my husband wrapped around her little finger, and I don’t doubt her safety. And yes, I heard what I just said, and it’s deeply problematic.

I feel foolish typing this because I know what the online jury will say. I’m not stupid, young, or inexperienced - I’m in my 40s and a professional. I was also a victim of domestic assault 15 years ago. I just seriously don’t believe this snapshot in time is who he is. I know Reddit will tell it like it is, so let me have it.

My kid is at a clinic because of self harm and risk of suicide.

For years there were school struggles. Diagnosis of giftedness and reading/writing disorder. A self harm episode in April. Psychologists and psychiatrists that didn't think it as too serious. Kids that age do this sometimes. But I felt my kid was in pain. Trying to figuring out what they need. A change to an easier class. An ADHD diagnosis, medication soon to come.

Two days ago their friends messaged me because they were concerned. In the evening my kid had gone to a bridge thinking about jumping. Thankfully it called someone who went and brought them home. That 14 year old angel of a friend contacted me via my work email. I took my child to the clinic. Before I learned that the self harm hadn't stopped. Nothing feels like bandaging your bleeding child. When packing things to bring to the clinic I also found hard alcohol hidden in their room. During my visit yesterday afternoon they came out to me as trans. Their way to talk to me has changed. It's harsh and distanced now.

I hold it together. Show them we care. That they can rely on us. That we love them no matter what. Remind myself not to take anything personal.

My kid is save right now. It receives help we cannot give them. It thankfully complies to the treatments so far. I have activated my own support network. My husband, my other (grown up) kid and I support each other. Everyone does their best.

I'm scared shitless. My baby is hurting. The version I knew is gone. I can't do anything about anything. Just lying here sleepless hugging their jumper. Hoping to not make it worse. Figuring out where everything went to hell. My mind keeps wandering to my sister (two suicide attempts, alcoholism), my sister in law (several attempts, self harm, struggling with depression and nothing seems to work), my friend (killed herself as a young adult).

Can someone tell me how "after" may look like that's not a life of pain and fear of suicide? I urgently need a glimpse of hope right now.

(I have never posted here and hope I'm not breaking any rules. Also English is not my first language.)

I (40F) want to know what “normal” family habits are around day to day communication when interacting with adult children living at home. I grew up in a home that was very confusing and neglectful so my sense of “normal” is very skewed. I was pretty much ignored or we all avoided eachother. Some days just feel awkward for some reason and I struggle with not wanting to be perceived every minute of the day (ASD). I just want to make sure I am engaging appropriately so my step-son (20M) doesn’t feel drained or worse, ignored.

Do you talk everytime you see eachother throughout the day? Do you acknowledge eachother everytime you see eachother with a nod or a smile? For example, if they are walking through the room you are in to get something or you pass eachother in the kitchen heading in different direction.

What does the daily communication look like in your home with adult children?