Unkind online comments

[u/Honest_Technology232]

I posted on my local group on Reddit to get recommendation for quieter spacious restaurants or cafes to go with my preemie who is on oxygen to reduce the chance of him catching bugs and there were some very mean comments, now deleted, saying it's madness, selfish, and I need to stay home. I know I should not care about what a couple of keyboard warriers should say but it has really upset me and made me doubt myself... is this what life is like post-nicu? I feel like anyone who hasn't lived it doesn't get it.

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[u/22lizabeth]

I think it depends on the area, we took both my NICU babies out but neither were on oxygen at home, but like we have an Olive Garden by us that if you go like on a Tuesday at 4 PM there's basically no one there. Non peak times for sure. Even now, we try to go to dinner at non peak times with little kids, it's nice to have breathing room and not bother other people 😅

Also, mean people on the internet suck. Everyone wants to be so judgy. I had two NICU babies and everyone is different but I was never as stickler about 'staying home' or making everyone wash hands constantly. Everyone makes their own choices for their own situation and people should stop being so judgy.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/22lizabeth]

Thank you, that's a good point. And I know! I think I was very naive because I'm used to this subreddit but some people really do enjoy being mean...

[u/QueenBlanchesHalo]

If you’re second-guessing yourself, ask your pediatrician, who cares what other randos think? We weren’t on oxygen but were told to avoid very crowded spaces for a year but that a quiet, reasonably spacious coffee shop (exactly what you’re seeking out) for example was fine. Like others have said, many places can be quiet and spacious if you go way off peak. We do simply go out less because it’s just hard to go places with a baby and that usually tips the scales towards staying home. 😐

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/QueenBlanchesHalo]

Thank you, the reminder I needed. It definitely takes us hours to even leave!

[u/QueenBlanchesHalo → u/Honest_Technology232]

Hope you find your balance! If your pediatrician is a bit more strict, I’m sure people here will be happy to help you brainstorm additional solutions.

[u/God_loves_Herb_Welch]

You have to remember that when you post online you’re disproportionately more likely to hear from lunatics who never log off. Ignore them. I can’t say we’ve gotten out much since our little one came home, and she’s not on oxygen, but I’ve found people to be really nice and understanding about keeping their distance to keep her safe. You’re doing the most important work in the world in caring for your baby and decent people will recognize and support you in that ❤️

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/God_loves_Herb_Welch]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

[u/Ratsinabucket]

It’s not what life is always like, but people will judge. I personally didn’t bring my son into a restaurant/cafe (or really anywhere minus appointments) until he was off of oxygen and he had gone through his first cold at home. I know that was hard for me, mentally.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/Ratsinabucket]

It seems that way! Our little one got sick a week after discharge despite us not leaving the house, and with little ones at home, viruses are bound to come our way. We are trying to treat this like covid times, he is now fully vaccinated and hopefully with regular hand washing and keeping our distance out and about we can fend off illnesses for as long as possible! Hope your little one is doing well.

[u/Ratsinabucket → u/Honest_Technology232]

With sick season coming up, we try to keep him at home even with being fully vaxed for even flu and Covid. He’s doing good! We were hospitalized a few days last month for a respiratory virus but he’s doing great otherwise. He is 15 months actual, 11 adjusted.

[u/BigLetterhead4245]

People can be mean online. That being said, my daughter was born at 26 weeks and luckily didn't have BPD. She's turning one next Saturday, and I’ve only taken her inside a coffee shop once, otherwise, we stick to being outside. Maybe look for places with outdoor sitting? She goes for walks and loves being outside, but she hasn't been around many people outside of her PT, my husband, her brother, and me. Even her nanny wore a mask until recently. Her grandparents saw her in the spring, but we don’t take her to stores or restaurants and likely won’t until next summer when she’s closer to 2. Flu is picking up in our area, and even though she’s fully vaccinated, I don’t want to take any risks.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/BigLetterhead4245]

Thank you, I appreciate that coming from a fellow NICU parent. The comments on my other post were just downright mean! I hope she is doing well.

[u/Local-Tiger-5552]

Maybe go to your typical chain restaurant but during odd times so it’s not busy!

[u/Local-Tiger-5552 → u/Local-Tiger-5552]

ETA, you may also have some restaurants that have party rooms.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/Local-Tiger-5552]

This is a good shout, a bit more of a private space. Thanks!

[u/Local-Tiger-5552 → u/Honest_Technology232]

Ya! I’m sure they wouldn’t have any problem at all during a weekday.

[u/LadySnurple]

Go to restaurants on non peak hours, seemed to work best for us. I feel I've experienced the opposite, most people wanted me to go anywhere anytime with LO and didn't take my concerns seriously.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/LadySnurple]

Thank you! 

[u/HookedOnAFeeling96]

Ugh, yeah, online discourse sucks. Your pediatrician should be your North Star here - talk to him/her about how comfortably you can do certain things. They will be able to make recommendations based on your baby’s individual medical history. After that, you have to tell yourself, “I am making the decision that is right for me and my family” and tune out the rest. 

I often see online families who are more cautious than us and worry I should be more so, but I remind myself we have discussed in detail with our pediatrician and every baby is different. 

When we first brought her home, we felt most comfortable with her in outdoor spaces. That might be a good option, an outdoor restaurant. But I’m not a doctor, so just my two cents! 

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/HookedOnAFeeling96]

Thank you, I have seen fellow NICU families at weddings and baby groups, so it hadn't even crossed my mind looking for spacious restaurants would be controversial! 

[u/drbln]

My baby was in the NICU. Luckily, he is healthy. However, we haven't been to any restaurant for 1+ year, as we simply do not have time.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/drbln]

So glad to hear! And that's it, for me it's about making our choices as parents and not being mean about it like I've encountered with others online... we try to go out once a week but it really does take it out of me.

[u/Every-Earth1300]

I’m sorry you experienced that. I’ve found that comments on Reddit can be quite mean. Agree with others on this thread about going non peak hours or ask for a table where the restaurant is not heavily populated.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/Every-Earth1300]

Everyone is so nice on this sub, everyone else could learn a thing or two. Thank you for your suggestion!

[u/Bitter_Remove_3919]

I’m the opposite. Don’t stigmatize your child. I understand waiting until he is off oxygen support, but once he is, I believe in treating them like any other baby with obvious common sense protections and boundaries. Even now, I’d say there is nothing wrong with taking him to a restaurant here and there, again, while being smart about it. Our baby who was born at 29 weeks and came home two weeks ago has already been to Costco, Red Robin, and to a house warming party. Had his 3rd check up with the doctor early this morning, and everything looks great. There are people who are miserable with their lives whose only purpose is to cast judgment online. They are to be ignored

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/Bitter_Remove_3919]

I'm so happy for your little one! I mentioned in another comment my little one caughr a virus in the first week of being home with us having been nowhere. We also have at least three appointments in hospital per week and have community nurses/health visitors/PTs coming home having visited who knows what potentially sick babies. The risk is inevitable, we are hoping for some normality while like you said, managing risk and being smart about it. Wishing you many fun outings!

[u/pyramidheadlove]

Nobody would say this stuff in real life tbh. It's keyboard warrior stuff. We took my son out to a local Chinese place a few weeks after discharge. We went at lunch time on a weekday when we knew it would be dead, and asked the server to seat us in a back corner. You don't have to be a complete hermit, and you can always use your judgment and dip out if you show up to a place and it seems busier than you're comfortable with

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/pyramidheadlove]

I love this! 

[u/Environmental-Bet235]

We’re on oxygen after discharge for the last 4 months. We took advantage of the summer season, went to the restaurants but mostly stayed in the outdoor areas. Our doctor specifically told us not to isolate ourselves and baby due to BPD. They said for her cognitive skills it’s important to be outside and if possible meet some babies. Of course it’s not only restaurants, we stroll around parks, I go in and out to coffee shops. We visited a few friend’s house. We tried to live a normal life as possible. Traumatic birth, long NICU stay, life with BPD and other medical conditions taking it’s toll and trying to keep up with life and friends and partially going back to our lives is helping us a lot to keep going.

We’re even going to a lakeside hotel for 3 days next week. We’re careful were we stay and how crowded it is there. We asked her doctor and he supported the decision.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/Environmental-Bet235]

Have lots of fun! My journey was similar to yours, we spent 4.5 months being a shell of our former selves doing full day shifts in the NICU. For everyone's wellbeing I think a carefully managed day out is more beneficial than being locked in at home, and our medical team agree!

[u/Environmental-Bet235 → u/Honest_Technology232]

Thank you. No one can understand how our lives are. It’s easy to say if you have a premie, stay at home just to be safe. But it’s just not a few weeks, we’re needing oxygen for 4 months and not sure when my daughter won’t need it anymore. So just ignore those comments. Wish you and your son all the best.

[u/Purplehounds]

We have taken our 29 weeker just about everywhere since she came home. She's been home 14 weeks now. We have gone to the beach, a 9 hr drive to New York, Canada, DC, Family visits, out to eat can't even count how many times.

She's had bronchitis around at 6 weeks old - warranted a ER visit cause she was acting weird.

Er visit two weeks late for a high fever due to an unknown UTI.

I personally chose not to be too afraid. I want her to be loved and know love from our family/friends. Our lives don't stop because we have a baby now. She just tags along.

Now granted - the first month home we didn't do much of anything other then family visits and our to eat.

I might be a hair more cautious due to needing oxygen for LO but if their docs tell you to get out and enjoy your life then please do.

The Internet is full of so many damn people that have nothing better to do then hate and tell you how your wrong when half the time they don't have kids or haven't been thru near the same thing.

The best thing you can do is use your intuition as a parent. Do what's best for you and your baby. It's no one else's business at the end of the day of how to raise your child or where you take them.

[u/onigirimelon]

I found it easier to just talk to the restaurants we wanted to go to. A lot of larger places have some private spaces they can utilize, while others may only be able to give suggestions around times to avoid. We didn’t go out often when my daughter was really young and still on oxygen - but we still went out for special occasions. Places like the Melting Pot and Olive Garden were incredibly accommodating and gave us spaces separated from other guests/ensured to have candles extinguished around our area before we got there (special shoutout to the Melting Pot though, they had a person meet us outside the business entrance to led us through a different private entrance so we wouldn’t have to even walk past other guests - it wasn’t something we asked for, but it was so considerate of them). Other places might tell us there wasn’t anything they could do to make the trip safer for us, so my husband would just run into those places and order to-go.

As for negative comments. People just like to be combative online, and everyone loves to judge everyone else - because they’re clearly perfect and would never do x, y, z if they were in your situation. We had to learn to just ignore them.

[u/North_egg_]

Idk what it is but I kind comments online really get to me. It’s hard!! People can be awful!!

Ask your pediatrician if you want to. To me this doesn’t sound nuts but obviously I don’t know your child’s situation.

[u/Super_Ambassador_458]

My baby came home on oxygen, he is close to 6 months adjusted. This whooolleee time the doctors nurses, developmental therapist and any other medical professional always recommend taking him out and about, treating him as a normal baby. He's got all his vaccines, we do still watch out and avoid busy places, but we are absolutely not shut inside. In fact, I felt a little guilty with how little we take him to new places due to this paranoia of him getting sick. I was getting cafe and restaurant recommendations, etc. that is how much they actively encourage us to go out.

[u/Outrageous_Driver133]

I was scared to do anything outside till they were over 6 months old. But one of my twins was readmitted because she stopped breathing and turned blue at my ob appointment🙃 so I think I may have been/are traumatized of the what ifs. And last month my other twin lost 5 pounds and had sunken eyes with some unknown sickness she had. We went to the er 4 times that week I was so paranoid something was REALLY wrong with her, but she bounced back quickly the 5th day.

[u/jenthebeat]

They totally don’t get it. All of us nicu parents have different comfort levels - lean into yours and don’t apologize or feel guilty for whatever you decide.
My baby was on oxygen when they came home and I decided that I would only do outdoor places- especially in winter (we are in California so I recognize that might not be doable for all). We took a few months off in the summer and did some inside stuff but are back to outdoors only this fall. She’s off oxygen but I keep hearing about micros getting hit hard with colds and flus ending up in the hospital and I just want to avoid that as long as possible- for her little lungs but also because I am super traumatized 🥺

[u/emmeline8579]

Sorry but I agree with those commenters. Your baby is already on oxygen WITHOUT being sick. I’m a mom of a 25 weeker that came home on oxygen. We were told to isolate for the first 1-2 years of his life because of how bad his lungs were (history of severe BPD and a pneumothorax). My son was fully vaccinated (including against Covid and rsv) and off of oxygen when we had to take him his pediatrician’s wellness visit. He ended up catching Covid and getting VERY ill. He ended up in the PICU because of respiratory distress. If I didn’t have the owlet on my baby, he could have died. Mind you..this happened AFTER we got the all clear from his pulmonologist to stop monitoring him with his Massimo monitor. It’s not a risk I would take if I were you.

[u/Honest_Technology232 → u/emmeline8579]

I'm sorry to hear about your little one, I hope they are well. I think it's about the tone and judgement from the commenters, and the fact that I was after local suggestions from them, not medical advice! My little one has unfortunately already caught viruses (within the first week of being home with us having no outside contact, so who knows how!). He was admitted but his oxygen requirement remained stable. We rely on our trusty owlet and have been encouraged by our medical team to go out (with precautions).

[u/Severe-Youth9675 → u/emmeline8579]

I disagree. Your life doesn’t just stop. I take my bb everywhere within reason. Not close to a lot of people. You might be privileged enough to have the time but I have to take my baby everywhere I can. I don’t have the money for a nanny. Be mindful but don’t be paranoid.

[u/emmeline8579 → u/Severe-Youth9675]

No one is talking about life stopping. She is talking about going out to eat at a restaurant during respiratory illness season. I never had a nanny so I’m not sure where you got that idea. I still had to take my son to his appointments everyday. Being on oxygen means her baby’s lungs are not functioning at full capacity as it is. I can’t imagine risking my son’s life over a restaurant. Wait a few months when illnesses aren’t everywhere. It’s not that hard.

[u/Severe-Youth9675 → u/emmeline8579]

You made it sound like it was never going out