r/Marriage • u/Enough_Evidence_2813 • 20h ago
Is it time?
Throw away account for obvious reasons.
I’ve (41 F) been married to my husband (44 M)for 15+ years. He is a good provider and great father to our 2 kids. We have sex on a regular basis. I orgasm probably 10% of the time, maybe less. We generally have traditional missionary sex.
The issue I have is he refuses to give me oral sex. I do that for him on a regular basis. With past partners I orgasm easily from receiving oral sex. My husband refuses. He says it is beneath him and “low status”. He has never done it for me. He says if I ask him again he will leave me and I believe he will do that if I bring it up.
I am desperate to have that feeling again. I am thinking about getting it from another man. My husband says toys and vibrators are equivalent to cheating and doesn’t allow them in the house.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want to cheat. But it’s about time I did something. Please help.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 20h ago
Am I being trolled? Because there was a guy that said the exact same thing about his wife on here this morning.
If you knew that he would not go down on you entering the marriage, he was honest from the beginning. He shouldn't say it's beneath him. That's a gross stance, but you knew.
It is never okay to cheat on your partner. Have an honest discussion with him. If his stance is no, then find someone you're compatible with BUT leave, do not betray your spouse. Betraying your life partner is never okay and is extremely selfish.
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u/sun_pathos490 20h ago
Half the time I do think some of these are social experiments just to see how different the replies are between men/women OPs. Saw that happen a few weeks ago.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 20h ago
I legitimately think this one is, and the replies are completely different. Not mine, i stand by not betraying your partner even if they are selfish, that just means they need to move on.
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u/fbisurvellianc 19h ago
This !!!!! I separated from my husband before any infidelity occurred. But I can relate to the things her husband said. You have to be brave enough to choose yourself and walk away when your partner isn’t even choosing you
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u/99butter_flyeffects 18h ago
Sometimes relationships dont work out and thats okay, but ending a relationship should be done with the thought in mind that at one time you LOVED that person.
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u/milkman4886 19h ago
I deleted it because the comments were scathing. But later I saw this chicks post and the comments on hers I reposted. The double standard and cognitive dissonance is incredible.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 19h ago
Why don't you to end it with the people your with and get together. Sounds like you both have the same values.
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u/Enough_Evidence_2813 19h ago
I saw the other post. I felt the same way. That’s what made me brave enough to ask.
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u/Muted_Piccolo278 20h ago
There is something wrong with your husband's way of thinking. Like, seriously wrong. I respect that not all men are comfortable giving oral sex (though he could have kept his mouth shut with his stupid explanation) but I think you should stop giving to him. And honestly, get toys. They are great fun and let you control the pleasure.
If he threatens to leave, or actually does leave because of this, his love is superficial and only on his warped terms. That's not a healthy relationship.
I would also maybe not be quiet about why the marriage failed. He will tell people you cheated. Clarify the how and why of your 'cheating'.
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u/TAredducks 20h ago
Wait - going down on you is “beneath him” and “low status” and you go down on him???? Neither of you respect you. From now on, at the very least, giving him head is beneath you and low status.
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u/optimus_king 20h ago
He is incredibly selfish and him refusing for you to use toys to pleasure yourself and actually orgasm is grounds for leaving him. Communicate that clearly and put yourself 1st its been 15+ years of you giving in and prioritising him
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u/Apprehensive-Song253 20h ago
Look- you asked and he said no.
Take matters to your own hands - when you are alone, use your hand/ sex toy - use porn or erotic novels and help yourself.
What can you do realistically? He isn’t obliging . If I were you, I wouldn’t go Down on him either - and finish off with the help of my hands after our intercourse sessions if i m not done yet .
This is just my practical advice to you and is better than cheating imo
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u/Insureyou247 20h ago
That’s crazy and wild. I’m assuming he controls everything else you do as well? Seems like that type of dude.
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u/fbisurvellianc 20h ago
Does he know you don’t get the big O from sex ? And do you own any toys ?
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u/Enough_Evidence_2813 19h ago
He knows. And he doesn’t allow toys in the house. He says it’s the same as cheating
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u/fbisurvellianc 19h ago
Aw honey. I’m giving you a big hug. I’m literally going through a divorce and that was a factor. Message me if you need someone to talk to. It won’t change. He won’t change. But YOU CAN ❤️❤️❤️
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u/darksoulrn13 20h ago
This would be a deal breaker for me. Sexual incompatibility is a thing.
I would stop going down on him.
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u/Upper-Vermicelli-594 20h ago edited 19h ago
Pleasing his wife is beneath him? I'll never understand men who marry women then don't touch them how they want to be touched. It baffles me.
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u/throwawayanylogic 20h ago
I never would have married a guy who isn't a pussy eater AND is such a prude/selfish lover that he denies the use of toys/other ways to get you off.
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u/BaeornRae 20h ago
Stop going down on him. If its beneath him to pleasure you, then he deserves the same treatment. And honestly? You're asking your literal husband to make you feel good and that is something he looks down on? Sounds to me like he just can't eat pussy... I'd struggle to stay with a partner that viewed me and my body in anyway shape or form below or beneath him. I don't think I would be able to look at him the same after that. You deserve better..... and there are plenty of men that eat it for THEIR pleasure too!
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u/LucyG06 20h ago
"He says it is beneath him and “low status”." - Sorry, but what? If my husband told me that at the beginning of our relationship, I probably would never have married him. I honestly don't know if that's a deal breaker to you, we're obviously all different. Can you get toys and use them during sex? Or is your husband also against sex toys?
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u/EssentiallyEss 20h ago
Why are you still having sex with him? Is it enjoyable for you? Are you chasing the 10%?
It sounds like he is doing little to nothing to consider your pleasure.
Absolutely stop going down on him immediately. Tell him that your sexual pleasure is going to start being prioritized or his stops. That does not mean he has to go down on you, but he has to make some kind of effort or concession.
Because of the reasons he gave for not going down on you, I’d be working on an exit strategy myself.
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u/Adequate_Intern 20h ago
What the red pill. A 44 year old man referring to anything as low status is all we need to know. Permission granted to go live your life.
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u/kmarieanna 20h ago
There are other options besides oral. Why can't he use his fingers or a vibrator on you? You'll still be with him when you're using it, and he can use it on you, not you on yourself. Toys are not cheating lol. That's insecurity on his part.
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u/12YESIAM34 19h ago
Married 36 years and my wife stopped giving BJs the day we got married. I’ve been giving oral to her the whole time.
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u/jbug671 19h ago
Why live your life unfulfilled?!?!?! Why TF does he have the upper hand on this? He will leave you if you ask him to do this? NO.
You could get hit by a bus tomorrow: your last thought would be: gee wish I had a man that made me feel like a woman. Either get counseling about this, or get your girl balls. We are not meant to live a life of misery.
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u/cetruth 18h ago
It’s interesting, there was an almost identical post by a guy about lack of BJS, and all the comments called him selfish, disgusting, pathetic, yet here, it’s the complete opposite. His reasoning for not going down is backwards, he’s allowed to feel like it isn’t his thing, but to say it’s “beneath him” is pretty ridiculous. With that said, he really doesn’t have to give you oral if he doesn’t want to, you also don’t have to give him oral, if you’re giving it to him because you genuinely enjoy it and want to, that’s on you. I’d also say if oral is so important, just leave him, tell him you’re done, but don’t cheat.
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u/WestStrength2719 16h ago
I think you should decide if this is something you could deal with for the rest of your life. You cannot force him to do things for you sexually if he's uncomfortable. You have to decide if this is something you can accept with out resenting him.
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u/ScarletVonGrim 20h ago
GIRL. DIVORCE . He is a red pilled misogynist, and if you have kids, he is going to influence them with that bullshit. PLEASE respect yourself and bounce..
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u/zepcatsal 20h ago
That’s wild.
I get no sex in my marriage. It’s been 4 months. I’m a good dad and provider. Would love to go down in my wife (I’m good at it, humbly).
Your husband is missing out.